I'm so hurt and I need some direction

[planner]

My mother has always kept a diary with daily entries. This past year she's been condensing it into a story of her life. She's been pressuring my daughter to read it. She even gave her the first few chapters but as far as I know, it's still on her bookshelf untouched.

 

She's told me that she's had a few friends help her edit her manuscript. A few days ago I received a large envelope from one of her friends with a copy of the manuscript that contains portions from my childhood to the present. My mom warned me it was coming, that she had asked her friend to send it to me. I finally opened the envelope last night and skimmed a bit of it. I really couldn't read the entire thing because I read a few things that were just hurtful. She portrays me as never nice, always unhappy, always yelling, and goes as far to say she thinks I have a hormonal imbalance. Yes, she's said this to me in person, and I even went as far as to have my hormones checked because she wouldn't stop talking about it, and guess what, I don't have a hormonal imbalance. It's actually worse than what I'm saying but I guess I can't bring myself to write what she wrote.

 

I called my brother to ask him if he's read her story. He hasn't so I told him about it. His response was that it was just the way our mother was and that she's known for offending people. He told me that he had threatened to stop speaking to our parents about a decade ago because my mom would not stop asking him what was wrong with him because he was unmarried at 32. He basically sympathized with me a lot but told me I couldn't expect much different considering the source.

 

He asked what was written about him so I went and skimmed for his name from the time period of high school through the present. There was not one negative thing written about him. There's actually not too much written about him. My other brother was highly praised. He's done some pretty hurtful things over the years to my parents but none of that was mentioned. It was mentioned that he only thinks of himself but I was actually included in that so the actual words were "They only think of themselves."

 

I now find myself in the position of knowing that she's going to ask me about the manuscript. I'm humiliated by it and it's made worse that her friend was the one that sent it to me. I can't figure out why he would be willing to send such a hurtful document to me. I can't figure out why my mother would think that it would be helpful for me to read her thoughts about me. I just don't even know what to say to my mother. I think I need to let her know how I feel but I need to do it in such a way that she doesn't turn it into a persecution of herself. She's very capable of that. She even writes about my miscarriage and how my behavior stabbed her in the heart. Yes, I lost a baby and she turned it into a negative event that happened to her. I'm pretty private and I would prefer that the entire world didn't know I had a miscarriage because I haven't told many people myself but now it's out there for public consumption. I find that hurtful in and of itself. When I was talking to my brother I asked him if he could understand my behavior and he completely did. He said that my mother would have made the situation worse and that is the exact reason I did what I did at the time.

 

I'm trying to process this. My parents are older. My father is in poor health. My mother wants everything her way and is inflexible. I can refuse to acknowledge I read the manuscript or I can confront my mother. I just don't know what to do.

 

 

[zoobie]

What a hateful, hurtful person. I'm sorry. I wouldn't give her access to my feelings because clearly she will use them as weapons. If you feel you must speak to her, tell her it was fantasy trash. Then end the conversation.

 

:grouphug:

[SKL]

I think I would tell her the truth - i.e., "honestly, I found the parts about me humiliating.  I'd rather they were not published.  Would you like my help cleaning them up?"

 

I would be pretty angry if anyone published that sort of thing about me.

[Guest]

I don't know if this is helpful (and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you), but it isn't going to get published unless she's Secretary of State, the star of a reality show, or J. K. Rowling.

 

Publishing doesn't work that way. No publisher will buy it, which means no one apart from immediate family/very kind friends will get to read it. 

 

Again, don't mean to be unhelpful, just trying to reassure.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[JFSinIL]

I'd look her in the eye and say "You can write how you remember things, but that doesn't mean you are correct" or words to that effect and then "I have my own memories I intend to put to paper someday. I plan to portray you accurately". Let her stew over that for a while.

 

My mom went back to school in her fifties to complete her BA, and for her writing classes she delved into her childhood, etc. I had to retype it all and have 200 pages, well-written, that are almost a publishable book. You do see similar memoirs on Amazon. I would not, however, include the more recent bits where Mom shared her "insights" on the rest of her (living) family. But as a tale of growing up in the depression/war years, life on a Kansas farm and then traveling from relative to relative (her dad died in a car crash when Mom was 6)it is fascinating. But Mom has the depression/war years/farm life/widowed mother storyline that makes it interesting.

Edited November 11, 2016 by JFSinIL

[JustEm]

I'm sorry she was so hurtful. I would simply tell her that you found the manuscript quite hurtful and was sad she felt that way about her own daughter and thought it appropriate to share with others. I would then make it very clear that you would not be talking anymore about the manuscript. And if she tries to defend herself or being g it up in the future either leave the room or hang the phone up.

 

You can't control what she does but you can refuse to play along.

[planner]

I don't know if this is helpful (and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you), but it isn't going to get published unless she's Secretary of State, the star of a reality show, or J. K. Rowling.

 

Publishing doesn't work that way. No publisher will buy it, which means no one apart from immediate family/very kind friends will get to read it. 

 

Again, don't mean to be unhelpful, just trying to reassure.

The intent isn't for publication. The quality isn't even close for that. The intent is to share with family and friends. My children won't be reading it. They heard enough of my conversation with my brother and my husband to feel sad for me.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I don't know if this is helpful (and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you), but it isn't going to get published unless she's Secretary of State, the star of a reality show, or J. K. Rowling.

 

Publishing doesn't work that way. No publisher will buy it, which means no one apart from immediate family/very kind friends will get to read it. 

 

Again, don't mean to be unhelpful, just trying to reassure.

 

LIKE.

 

I'm sorry she was so hurtful. I would simply tell her that you found the manuscript quite hurtful and was sad she felt that way about her own daughter and thought it appropriate to share with others. I would then make it very clear that you would not be talking anymore about the manuscript. And if she tries to defend herself or being g it up in the future either leave the room or hang the phone up.

 

You can't control what she does but you can refuse to play along.

 

I think I would do this as well. I don't think I could hold my tongue on this--I would need to speak my feelings, for my own sake and not because I would expect any change or remorse from her. 

 

I'm so sorry she's acting this way. It's a terrible thing to do to your own child. Is she old enough that some of her filters are maybe dissolving, or has she always been this way to you?

Edited November 11, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

The intent isn't for publication. The quality isn't even close for that. The intent is to share with family and friends. My children won't be reading it. They heard enough of my conversation with my brother and my husband to feel sad for me.

 

I just saw this, but I wanted to say that even if she does do this, people will certainly think worse of her for doing what she's doing than they will of you.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Pawz4me]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

.

Edited September 10, 2020 by Æthelthryth the Texan

[FaithManor]

Why can't we "like' Susan's posts? It seems unfair.

 

At any rate, Susan is correct. While that doesn't help you sort out what to do about your mother, at least you know it isn't going any further than immediate friends and family.

 

Limiting contact or cutting off people that hurt you deeply is okay. You have a family to attend to and need to remain emotionally healthy.

[HS Mom in NC]

That's the worst!
Maybe a professional family counselor can help you out with what's going on with her and how you can most effectively deal with her nonsense. 

Edited November 11, 2016 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[snowbeltmom]

:grouphug:   It sounds like you are the scapegoat in the family and your brother is the golden child.  If I were in your shoes before I said anything about the manuscript, I would determine what my motivation for doing so was.  If I just wanted to get my feelings off my chest and tell her how hurtful and wrong her comments were, I would have the conversation.  If my motivation was because I thought that the discussion would change my mom's opinion and make her see how wrong she is, I would personally not even mention the stupid manuscript at all because you can't reason with people like your mom. 

 

 

[NorthwestMom]

What is wrong with some people?  :sad: Your mother is awful.

 

FWIW, if someone gave me a self-published book about themselves, I would likely not get around to reading it, and if I did , I would be pretty appalled that they were dogging their own kids and playing favorites. It would reflect badly on THEM.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[HomeAgain]

I just saw this, but I wanted to say that even if she does do this, people will certainly think worse of her for doing what she's doing than they will of you.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

This.  One of my friends always speaks negatively about her children.  Everything is a big deal and a personal offense and her children are just rotten.

 

They're not.  We all know this.  It comes across poorly and reflects on her rather than the young people she writes about.

[Code Lyoko]

Could she be a narcissist? Have you read up on narcissism in a parent? If so, nothing you say or do will change anything for the better. And nothing she says or writes should be accepted as true. It will all be viewed through her own damaged, inaccurate, self-centered lens. She can't help it and she can't change, not at this late date (if ever).

 

At this point your best option is to find a way to mitigate the damage to you. Would counseling help you to process, find a path through and heal? Hugs. I'm so sorry.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 12, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[sassenach]

She sounds like a narcissist. I would be tempted to tell her so.

[TranquilMind]

Tell her exactly what you told us.  Tell her that you are happy she wants to write a book, but that you prefer that she not memorialize her family in a negative light like that, and you wouldn't do that to her.  Could she change the mean stuff about you like (tell her what)?

 

Her answer will tell you a lot.  You have to tell her.

Please don't go the route of armchair diagnosis of mental conditions.  That won't help you nor will it change an elderly parent. 

 

Remember your objective here, which is to get mom to understand how you feel and not slam her family in writing. 

Edited November 11, 2016 by TranquilMind

[debinindy]

I'm so sorry that she wrote hurtful, painful things about you.

:grouphug:

[trulycrabby]

Only a narcissist would write such hurtful, untrue things about her own children. Her stories are classic "gaslighting," and I am so sorry you have to deal with such cr@p. :grouphug: Has her behavior radically changed, or has she always been like this?

 

My sister does similar things, but I have had many years to develop a thick skin. It's much more difficult to emotionally shut out a parent.

[bolt.]

I would tell her that I read it, that I found it deepy offensive, and that I consider it wholely inappropriate. I'd say it made me feel ashamed of myself and my whole family, and further suggest that she should be ashamed of herself.

 

Wherever possible, I would contact relevant friends and family members to say, something like, "I know that this puts you in an awkward position, so I understand that you might decide otherwise, but for my own peace of mind l want to say to you: I consider this writhing project of my mother's to be really over-the-line. It's truly a violation of privacy for a lot of people who had contact with her for those years. Not just me, but especially me. I'm asking you, really making a request, that you consider having nothing more to to with the project." (Or, "... that you consider neither reading the 'book' nor encouraging her to pursue it further.")

 

I think it likely that the friend insisted you read it because she saw where it was going.

[planner]

LIKE.

 

 

I think I would do this as well. I don't think I could hold my tongue on this--I would need to speak my feelings, for my own sake and not because I would expect any change or remorse from her. 

 

I'm so sorry she's acting this way. It's a terrible thing to do to your own child. Is she old enough that some of her filters are maybe dissolving, or has she always been this way to you?

I would think that it is possibly the lack of filters an older person develops except for the fact that she refers to the fact that she can hardly believe how many times she has written in her diary about my terrible behavior. Apparently she's been writing unkind things about me for decades. I remember hearing her ask my father why I hated her when I was about 12 and she thought I was asleep. I was really surprised as I have never hated my mother. Even now. I'm just hurt. There's also the theme of jealousy and she talks about the size of her children's homes (square footage included) compared to her own home. She's often made comments as to how I have things she's never had and that same feeling of jealousy comes through in her writings.

[TranquilMind]

I'm sorry. I'd disown her. Parents who treat their children like that are not worth it. If it's due to her age/illness it would be different. Other than that, dump her

 

Oh my Lord.   Sometimes I can't believe what I read.  Mom isn't an old pair of shoes that no longer fit. 

 

[TravelingChris]

How not nice.  If I would even read such a book, I would be appalled at the person writing such a book.  

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Oh my Lord.   Sometimes I can't believe what I read.  Mom isn't an old pair of shoes that no longer fit. 

 

 

She is when she's this toxic. What kind of person not only does this to their own child but also specifically intends for all their friends and family to read about it? Not someone I'd want in my life anymore, and especially not in my children's lives. Life is too precious to let people hurt you over and over and over. 

Edited November 11, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I would think that it is possibly the lack of filters an older person develops except for the fact that she refers to the fact that she can hardly believe how many times she has written in her diary about my terrible behavior. Apparently she's been writing unkind things about me for decades. I remember hearing her ask my father why I hated her when I was about 12 and she thought I was asleep. I was really surprised as I have never hated my mother. Even now. I'm just hurt. There's also the theme of jealousy and she talks about the size of her children's homes (square footage included) compared to her own home. She's often made comments as to how I have things she's never had and that same feeling of jealousy comes through in her writings.

 

I see what you're saying. Frankly, I agree with those who have mentioned narcissism. We have a couple of people in our family like this, though not on quite such a grand scale, thankfully. But yes, everything is all about them, and if they get a whiff that something is not about them, they will tie themselves in knots making it about them. If they had the wherewithal to write a book like this about their lives, I could absolutely see them doing it.

 

I also agree that it sounds like you're the scapegoat and your brother is the golden child. If you haven't already done some reading on the topic, I recommend it. It will shed so much more light on what you've probably dealt with your whole life and will help you see how much this is about her and not you. 

Edited November 11, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[snowbeltmom]

I would think that it is possibly the lack of filters an older person develops except for the fact that she refers to the fact that she can hardly believe how many times she has written in her diary about my terrible behavior. Apparently she's been writing unkind things about me for decades. I remember hearing her ask my father why I hated her when I was about 12 and she thought I was asleep. I was really surprised as I have never hated my mother. Even now. I'm just hurt. There's also the theme of jealousy and she talks about the size of her children's homes (square footage included) compared to her own home. She's often made comments as to how I have things she's never had and that same feeling of jealousy comes through in her writings.

:grouphug: I would encourage you to read up on narcissists.  It will help you understand your mother's behavior, which may make the hurt you are feeling a little less intense.  :grouphug: 

[planner]

Only a narcissist would write such hurtful, untrue things about her own children. Her stories are classic "gaslighting," and I am so sorry you have to deal with such [email protected]<script data-cfhash='f9e31' type="text/javascript">/* */</script> :grouphug: Has her behavior radically changed, or has she always been like this?

 

My sister does similar things, but I have had many years to develop a thick skin. It's much more difficult to emotionally shut out a parent.

I wouldn't necessarily say that she was writing untrue things. I would say that she's writing them from her perspective which is warped. I would say that much of my behavior was reactions to her behavior. I would also say that it's probably not best to write unkind things about people who are alive. Personally, I would focus on the positive. I have a child who has caused me to have some very dark days. I would NEVER write about them. They are private.

 

I am not the only one who could be offended by what she wrote. My aunt should have hurt feelings as well. She's jealous of her sister, for sure. My brother says they are jealous of each other which could be true as well.

 

For an example, my mom asked to come visit me last year. I said yes but told her I could only have her for three days and explained my reasoning. She insisted my kids didn't have school when they in fact did and it was my brother's kids who had the week off school. In the end, she decided not to come. My brother called me and told me she was telling everyone that I said she could not stay at my house. That was completely untrue but it made a nice martyr story and she ran with it. I went to a funeral of a dear friend and heard the story from her son during the luncheon. I think probably everyone has heard the story about how awful I am to not let her visit.

[solascriptura]

Ask her what her intent was for having so many people (including your own daughter ) read her diary.  Realize that she may be experiencing some form of dementia since she seems to lack a filter.  I'm sorry that she was so hurtful.  Most likely, this is an emotional problem of hers not yours so try to distance yourself from her response. 

 

So odd!  Really, she is asking for some kind of confrontation.  I can't imagine that she would expect anything good to happen after doing something like that.  It's almost like she's wanting you to end your relationship with her.  So odd!  

 

 

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited December 12, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[lulubelle]

I understand your hurt. Do you think your mother prefers boys to girls. That is what I get from what you said. Did she have a good relationship with her own mother? I would guess not. It sounds like you were her competition in some way.

 

In my family, my brothers could do no wrong. My mother had much higher expectations for her daughters. She over supported the boys in the family and still does. It drives me crazy, but I can't fix crazy.

 

I don't think it's worth saying anything. Does she want it back? If not, I would hold a ceremony and burn her chapters and release your feeling about it. Let it die. If she asks you, I would say how nice that she is writing her memoirs. That's it.

[Little Nyssa]

An ex wrote about me in a volume of poetry- very hurtful, and had the gall to give me a copy and signed it, Love. After I saw the first page I tore it up and threw it in the mud. Then I picked it up and tore it again. Then I threw it out.

 

Tear the thing up. Anyone who does bother to read it will know what to think, knowing her. ((Hugs))

[Carol in Cal.]

It reflects on her, not on you.  That's the exact truth.  That's what I would think if someone in my own family did this.

You don't air dirty linen in public.  You just don't.  If you do, you're the jerk, not the one you wrote about.

That's the stance I'd take with her.  

Although the 'two can play at this game' might be more effective, considering the source.  But I still wouldn't go there.

 

Remember Alice Walker?  Her daughter is a pretty good writer.  But she is mostly published because she writes about her famous mother, who she trashes.  I read her last book, and honestly, whether the stuff she wrote is true or not, it made me want to slap her and send a condolence note to her mom.  (And frankly, she sounded pretty childish and overreactive herself, even in her own book.)

 

My guess is that most of the people who read your mom's stuff (and may they be few and discerning) will be appalled that she wrote it, and sympathetic toward you.  They will consider the source, and they will consider the source to be deeply flawed.  Your mom is pouring mud onto her own self.

 

Hugs to you.

[TranquilMind]

It reflects on her, not on you.  That's the exact truth.  That's what I would think if someone in my own family did this.

You don't air dirty linen in public.  You just don't.  If you do, you're the jerk, not the one you wrote about.

That's the stance I'd take with her.  

Although the 'two can play at this game' might be more effective, considering the source.  But I still wouldn't go there.

 

Remember Alice Walker?  Her daughter is a pretty good writer.  But she is mostly published because she writes about her famous mother, who she trashes.  I read her last book, and honestly, whether the stuff she wrote is true or not, it made me want to slap her and send a condolence note to her mom.  (And frankly, she sounded pretty childish and overreactive herself, even in her own book.)

 

My guess is that most of the people who read your mom's stuff (and may they be few and discerning) will be appalled that she wrote it, and sympathetic toward you.  They will consider the source, and they will consider the source to be deeply flawed.  Your mom is pouring mud onto her own self.

 

Hugs to you.

This!  (Bolded)

 

I never liked that and always thought it was atrocious.  Celebrities do this a lot.  Ugh. 

I agree that people who can reason normally will be sympathetic toward the target, not toward the writer. 

 

Edited November 11, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Farrar]

I guess the root question is whether you want to argue with her over it and whether it's worth it to try and get her to remove the miscarriage and so forth. Others have already read it. Probably most of the people would will ever read it have already read it in the editing process. So I think - assuming you want to continue to have a relationship with her your mother - that I wouldn't bring it up with her. Do your processing on your own. She can't help.

 

If she does ask about it, I'd say something like, "I'm glad this is a useful process for you to write this book. I found it hard to read and was not happy seeing myself as you see me. There are some private things in there about my life that if you're open to removing, I'd like if you would consider doing so. I won't be saving this for my kids to read, but I'm glad you can reflect on your journals at this stage in your life. Not everyone has kept a journal so faithfully." Honest but conciliatory. Again, assuming you want to continue to have a relationship with her. If you don't, feel free to tear into her and hang up the phone. If it's as bad as you say, it wouldn't be uncalled for.

Edited November 11, 2016 by Farrar

[Miss Tick]

Sorry to hear such a sad story.

 

No matter what you say or how you say it, she will turn it into a martyr story for herself. Start from there when you decide if it is worth the added pain to say anything. Sounds like nothing you say Will change anything she does.

[visitor]

I feel sorry for you . Big huggs ... I have the same problem with my mother and I think my mother is worse then yours. All my life I asked my self why she is so hatefull towards me . I accepted that this was part of my life and this made me a better mother . I believe that this made me a more loving mother as I don't want my kids feel the way I did when I was young and grow up. I decided to break the hate and leave her hate in her own heart. God mad me more stronger because my life experiences . She told me many times that my happines is not wat she cares about . But I know God cares and gave me more Wonderful things in my live now . Don't let this situation let you go down but keep strong for yourself and your kids. I decided to change something negative in positive .

Edited November 11, 2016 by visitor

[Callie]

I understand.  I have not seen or spoke to my mother in almost 10 years.  Although I don't think she wrote horrible things about me she did say them.  All untrue and painted her the victim.  She was a pregnant 17 year old who blamed me for ruining her life and she never let me forget it.  The things she said about me and to me were crazy.  She went out of her way to let people know how awful I was and some believed her and some though she was crazy. 

[Callie]

Sorry to hear such a sad story.

 

No matter what you say or how you say it, she will turn it into a martyr story for herself. Start from there when you decide if it is worth the added pain to say anything. Sounds like nothing you say Will change anything she does.

 

This x1000.

[planner]

You wouldn't happen to be the only girl in your family, would you?  I had 2 brothers and I always sensed my mother was jealous of me for some unknown reason.  (I was the scapegoat; not the golden child.)  I think she viewed me as competition, or something screwy like that.  Even her sister, my aunt, once commented to me about how much my mother hated me.  From the time I was about 8yo, too, until she died recently.  This same aunt also commented about what a jealous person my mother was ... jealous of my aunt's close friends, etc.

 

My mother did her best to spread her fictional garbage.  But over the years what I found was that the people who really knew me didn't believe it.  And the people who believed it were the ones who never cared much for me in the first place, and had something invested in staying on my mother's 'good side'.  So, in the end, she really didn't gain much by spreading all the gossip and lies.  I suspect it might be similar for you in the end.  Not sure.

 

Btw, my mother died recently.  I hadn't seen her in almost 20 years, maybe?  And I was surprised that the main emotion I felt was ... relief.  Nothing else; just pure relief.

 

I hope you can work things out somehow.   :grouphug:

I am the only girl. That is probably a large part of the issue.

 

I understand your hurt. Do you think your mother prefers boys to girls. That is what I get from what you said. Did she have a good relationship with her own mother? I would guess not. It sounds like you were her competition in some way.

 

In my family, my brothers could do no wrong. My mother had much higher expectations for her daughters. She over supported the boys in the family and still does. It drives me crazy, but I can't fix crazy.

 

I don't think it's worth saying anything. Does she want it back? If not, I would hold a ceremony and burn her chapters and release your feeling about it. Let it die. If she asks you, I would say how nice that she is writing her memoirs. That's it.

My grandmother died when my mother was 10 and she was sick in bed for a few years. She has fond memories of her mother though. I've always felt that my mother didn't know how to mother because she didn't have a mother herself, especially true for my teen years. She just didn't know what to do with a teenage girl.

[goldberry]

Could she be a narcissist? 

 

Anyone who tries to make someone's miscarriage about themselves is a narcissist in my book.

 

:grouphug:  OP....

[planner]

Anyone who tries to make someone's miscarriage about themselves is a narcissist in my book.

 

:grouphug:  OP....

That was an ugly day. I was on a trip with both my mother and my mother-in-law, (this is relevant to where I stabbed her in the heart.) I was vomiting and made a bit of a mess and my mother was yelling at me about the mess. I lost my baby and all my mother could do is yell at me for vomiting. And she still can't see why I let my MIL help me and not her. I understand that would be painful to her, but clearly someone who yells at a vomiting person is not a source of comfort.

[goldberry]

That was an ugly day. I was on a trip with both my mother and my mother-in-law, (this is relevant to where I stabbed her in the heart.) I was vomiting and made a bit of a mess and my mother was yelling at me about the mess. I lost my baby and all my mother could do is yell at me for vomiting. And she still can't see why I let my MIL help me and not her. I understand that would be painful to her, but clearly someone who yells at a vomiting person is not a source of comfort.

 

Yeah, stay away.  Far away.

[Guest]

That was an ugly day. I was on a trip with both my mother and my mother-in-law, (this is relevant to where I stabbed her in the heart.) I was vomiting and made a bit of a mess and my mother was yelling at me about the mess. I lost my baby and all my mother could do is yell at me for vomiting. And she still can't see why I let my MIL help me and not her. I understand that would be painful to her, but clearly someone who yells at a vomiting person is not a source of comfort.

 

:grouphug:  I'm so sorry. I hope you realize there is nothing in this world you have done to deserve this type of treatment. 

[MistyMountain]

I am not sure what you should do but I do think you need to read books on dealing with a narcissist parent.

[prairiewindmomma]

You can't fix crazy.  All you can do is do what you need to to protect yourself and your family.  We've BTDT and couching emotional abuse in the guise of "family history" is still abuse.  

[Anne in CA]

This is hurtful, but I agree with the posters who think the book looks bad for her instead of you. She may not have the sense to see that, but that is how rational people will view it.

 

I wouldn't say anything about the book, you said in the OP you don't want to make her a martyr, but that is the only way she can be. No matter what you do she's going to make herself a martyr. The story about yelling at a sick person who just lost a baby is just so yucky I don't have words. But such a person is never going to have empathy. There is nothing the OP can say to make the mother behave with decency or empathy.