I'm so hurt and I need some direction

[MomatHWTK]

This sounds like my parent. She is a narcissist. It just retook my self-esteem in the past year. She's out of our lives, been told not to contact us unless it is an  emergency and everyone is happier. She has years of journals where she's detailed every little criticism. Ugh!

[Tanaqui]

You have no obligation to keep unpleasant people in your life. Your duty is to protect your own mental health. If that means going low-contact or no-contact with your mother, then do that and don't feel bad. If she wanted a healthy relationship with you, she wouldn't do this sort of thing.

[Peaceful Isle]

Sounds a lot like my mother, except she tells me all those things, instead of writing them down. I had to stop contact with her.

 

There was always something wrong with me, she was controlling, always bringing up my past, everything was about her, and how she was hurt, blah blah blah.

 

There is something wrong with your mother wanting your daughter to read a "story" that has negative things in it about you, her mother. What is she thinking? Sorry, but she sounds like a weird kind of evil. Who does that.

Edited November 11, 2016 by Peacefulisle

[Peaceful Isle]

This is hurtful, but I agree with the posters who think the book looks bad for her instead of you. She may not have the sense to see that, but that is how rational people will view it.

 

I wouldn't say anything about the book, you said in the OP you don't want to make her a martyr, but that is the only way she can be. No matter what you do she's going to make herself a martyr. The story about yelling at a sick person who just lost a baby is just so yucky I don't have words. But such a person is never going to have empathy. There is nothing the OP can say to make the mother behave with decency or empathy.

This post has so much wisdom in it.

[MomatHWTK]

FWIW. We started by saying "please don't do..." Then we moved to "We're going to limit contact if..." Then we finally had to go with "There will be no contact until (therapy for depression and an apology for some things done/said to my children)."

 

Of course, I know that there will never be any apology or any effort on her part to change. But, I felt I need to at least provide some option for her to mend fences. The fact is, that if we aren't willing to endure the abuse without comment or defense, then she's not interested in us at all. Be advised that your mom will totally make this into a martyr issue- you abandoned her, you cut her off, oh the wringing of hands. We now make sure everything is in writing with my mom. Otherwise, she claims we said things we didn't. 

[BlsdMama]

My mother has always kept a diary with daily entries. This past year she's been condensing it into a story of her life. She's been pressuring my daughter to read it. She even gave her the first few chapters but as far as I know, it's still on her bookshelf untouched.

 

She's told me that she's had a few friends help her edit her manuscript. A few days ago I received a large envelope from one of her friends with a copy of the manuscript that contains portions from my childhood to the present. My mom warned me it was coming, that she had asked her friend to send it to me. I finally opened the envelope last night and skimmed a bit of it. I really couldn't read the entire thing because I read a few things that were just hurtful. She portrays me as never nice, always unhappy, always yelling, and goes as far to say she thinks I have a hormonal imbalance. Yes, she's said this to me in person, and I even went as far as to have my hormones checked because she wouldn't stop talking about it, and guess what, I don't have a hormonal imbalance. It's actually worse than what I'm saying but I guess I can't bring myself to write what she wrote.

 

I called my brother to ask him if he's read her story. He hasn't so I told him about it. His response was that it was just the way our mother was and that she's known for offending people. He told me that he had threatened to stop speaking to our parents about a decade ago because my mom would not stop asking him what was wrong with him because he was unmarried at 32. He basically sympathized with me a lot but told me I couldn't expect much different considering the source.

 

He asked what was written about him so I went and skimmed for his name from the time period of high school through the present. There was not one negative thing written about him. There's actually not too much written about him. My other brother was highly praised. He's done some pretty hurtful things over the years to my parents but none of that was mentioned. It was mentioned that he only thinks of himself but I was actually included in that so the actual words were "They only think of themselves."

 

I now find myself in the position of knowing that she's going to ask me about the manuscript. I'm humiliated by it and it's made worse that her friend was the one that sent it to me. I can't figure out why he would be willing to send such a hurtful document to me. I can't figure out why my mother would think that it would be helpful for me to read her thoughts about me. I just don't even know what to say to my mother. I think I need to let her know how I feel but I need to do it in such a way that she doesn't turn it into a persecution of herself. She's very capable of that. She even writes about my miscarriage and how my behavior stabbed her in the heart. Yes, I lost a baby and she turned it into a negative event that happened to her. I'm pretty private and I would prefer that the entire world didn't know I had a miscarriage because I haven't told many people myself but now it's out there for public consumption. I find that hurtful in and of itself. When I was talking to my brother I asked him if he could understand my behavior and he completely did. He said that my mother would have made the situation worse and that is the exact reason I did what I did at the time.

 

I'm trying to process this. My parents are older. My father is in poor health. My mother wants everything her way and is inflexible. I can refuse to acknowledge I read the manuscript or I can confront my mother. I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I'm really sorry.  :(

 

If I were you I'd remind myself this is less about you and who you *are* and more about the way your mom filters things.  Just because this is how she views you doesn't make it true.  My mom thinks I"m difficult, disagreeable, and dramatic.  Oddly, the rest of the world does not see me that way, or at least I don't think so.  I tell myself  that some personalities just mesh better (she and my brother, for example) and that some simply clash.

 

I *do* think it hurts more just because it's there... in black and white.  Somehow that's more concrete I think.  

 

Let's play this out:

 

Mom, I read it.  It's incredibly hurtful.

 

At which point she just twists the knife more.....  "Well, that's how you are, I"m sorry you see it differently."  Or at least that's how it would go here.  There would be no sweet remorse, no apology, no gently making better.  

 

Frankly, I'd tell her you read a bit of it, found it incredibly hurtful, opted to burn the rest, and you are choosing not to talk about it all.  Ever.  And then maintain that boundary.  Oh, and just a heads up if you do that, I'd also run through the, "And an apology doesn't count if it's: "I'm sorry you don't agree with me... yada, yada, yada."

 

It's really hard when parents or someone from your childhood can't see you through current day lenses, and/or refuses to see you through current lenses.  It is hurtful and makes you sad/angry.  I just hope you realize someone's PERCEPTION does not make something TRUE, kwim?

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. She sounds simply awful. Part of me would want to hash it out and give her a piece of my mind.  But, as others have said, that will be processed through her narcissistic filter where you will be the bad guy.  She sounds like she takes pleasure in hurting you so don't give her the satisfaction. A better option may be to simply refuse to discuss it.  If she asks, you can answer with a bemused smile "Oh, that piece of fiction?  I threw it away."   Or you can play with her narcissism and give a "Hmmm" with a mysterious smile.  It will drive her crazy because she has to have a response.  Don't give it to her.  Just don't rise to her bait.  Don't let her see you upset. 

[GinaPagnato]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is real.

 

Your brother is the golden child.

You are the scapegoat.

 

The fact that she turned YOUR miscarriage into something about her is CLASSIC narcissistic behavior.

 

The fact that she thinks her diary entries are important enough to anyone else (friends/family/grandchildren), and that she wants YOU to read them, notwithstanding her cruel treatment of you? Well, that's how narcissists roll. Ask me how I know... :glare:

 

I'm sorry. Save yourself. Get counseling, read some books, and protect yourself and your kids. She won't change and she's not worth it.

[Katy]

She sound like she's either mentally ill or has a personality disorder.  I would confront her because not confronting her would be telling her it's okay to treat you that way.  There's a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells that is designed to help you deal with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think it's also helpful for people who are narcissists or who are simply so depressed they're temporarily acting like they have a personality disorder. The book was super helpful to me with my ex, who managed to blame me for everything he did wrong in such a manipulative way that I believed him.

 

Therapy can be super helpful in figuring out how to deal with your mom (and maintain whatever relationship you can with your dad).  So can starting a Narcissism JAWM thread here.

[SKL]

In my view, whether these things are "true" (in her opinion or otherwise) is not the point.  Nobody is perfect.  Shaming one's children is sick.

 

I can understand having a diary and writing about struggles with one's kid, for one's own self-therapy.  I can also understand reaching out for help for the child, including giving necessary information in a reasonably private setting.  Though when we do that, we should probably consider what our kids would think if they ever read it.  (I might have made mistakes here myself.)  Publishing it just to get attention?  No.

[Garga]

I don't see the point in telling her that it's hurtful. I wouldn't bring it up. If she asks about it, honestly, I would just grunt. Like a poster said above, you can give a, "Hmmm," or a "uh." Sound.

 

You know how you can say "I don't know" with your mouth closed by just making an "mmMMmm" sound (the sounds of I don't know, but with mmmms)[? If she asks, I just make the "mmMMmm" sound. I'd change the subject. If she asks you about it in an email or something, I just wouldn't answer.

 

I wouldn't give her any feedback at all. There's no point and it'll drive her nuts, which really is the one thing that'll probably make you feel better: knowing that she feels a little nuts. There's nothing you will say that will make her melt and say, "Oh sweetie! You're right. I'm so sorry. I'd never want to hurt you! I will remove all the bad parts!" This won't happen. So, if you don't want to cut her out of your life, just "mmMMmm" it.

 

Having you get upset and then 'putting you in your place' by 'telling you how it really is' is too deliciously dramatic for her to resist. So don't let her see you get upset.

Edited November 11, 2016 by Garga

[nd293]

The intent isn't for publication. The quality isn't even close for that. The intent is to share with family and friends. My children won't be reading it. They heard enough of my conversation with my brother and my husband to feel sad for me.

This is a really horrible thing, but other people reading it is not something you need to worry about. If it's poor quality, why would they wade through it? And anyway, it's kind of creepy reading about a friend's personal life - at least, that's what I think. When a close friend self-published a book about her life with her deceased husband I definitively did not want to read it.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[Mimm]

Tell her exactly what you told us.  Tell her that you are happy she wants to write a book, but that you prefer that she not memorialize her family in a negative light like that, and you wouldn't do that to her.  Could she change the mean stuff about you like (tell her what)?

 

Her answer will tell you a lot.  You have to tell her.

Please don't go the route of armchair diagnosis of mental conditions.  That won't help you nor will it change an elderly parent. 

 

Remember your objective here, which is to get mom to understand how you feel and not slam her family in writing. 

 

Actually, it can be very helpful in understanding the reasons for the behaviors of the parent and how you can set appropriate boundaries.

 

And IF the parent in question is a narcissist, then the objective stated in your post is completely futile. A parent with NPD simply isn't capable of understanding how someone else feels. This can be very relevant information in knowing what you can or can't accomplish with someone.

 

That was an ugly day. I was on a trip with both my mother and my mother-in-law, (this is relevant to where I stabbed her in the heart.) I was vomiting and made a bit of a mess and my mother was yelling at me about the mess. I lost my baby and all my mother could do is yell at me for vomiting. And she still can't see why I let my MIL help me and not her. I understand that would be painful to her, but clearly someone who yells at a vomiting person is not a source of comfort.

 

Wow, I am SO sorry! I can't believe anyone would ever yell at a vomiting person for ANY reason. That incident alone would almost certainly be the end of my relationship with my mother, especially if she continued to act like she was the victim (which is a real NPD red flag. Not saying she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but she definitely acts like it sometimes.)

[Plink]

Your mother is ill.  Unfortunately, you can't fix it.

 

Don't read any more.  Don't give her any feedback.  None.  Even if it means enduring awkward silences or repeated questions.  Don't talk to any other family members or friends about it either - you can be sure she will be asking everyone to determine how you feel.

 

Most importantly, don't worry about other people's reactions.  There are very few truly ignorant people in the world.  I'm sure anyone who is handed an autobiography detailing how awful the author's life has been because of her child, will immediately see through the plea for attention.  She will become known for self-absorbed person that she is.  

 

ETA:  A quick demo of how to address her many attempts to goad you into conversation:

 

"I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." "I'd rather not talk about it." 

Edited November 11, 2016 by Plink

[StephanieZ]

Wow, that's horrible.

 

It sounds like your mom is just mean. 

 

Honestly, I think you'd be best served, and your kids best served, by severing all ties to her. 

 

If you can't do that, then certainly minimize contact to the bare, bare minimum and never, ever share any personal information with her. Ever. 

 

I would NOT discuss the manuscript. There is no point. She did this to hurt you. 

 

If you are willing to do it, I'd advise seeing a therapist if you can't yet bring yourself to disown your mother. She sounds like a monster. Really. 

 

I'm so, so sorry. 

[BusyMom5]

I would call up the 'friend' who sent it to me and asky why on earth they were encouraging my mother to write this.  Chances are that they know it isn't really true- if I ever wrote how someone was upset b/c their miscarrying daughter was sick and throwing up, I"d think something was wrong with them, not the daughter.  If my mother asked me, I"d tell her I read it and I will not discuss it in any way.  If she brings it up, hang up the phone or leave the room.  What a hurtful, mean person.  I am sorry.

[Seasider]

I am so sorry, that's rotten. Really, truly rotten.

 

I think if your mother so desperately wants to be "heard," the most impactful thing you can do is give her a consistent, programmed response, when asked about it, of, "oh yeah, that came in the mail a while back, but I haven't had time to read it." This same response should be given by you, your kids, your dh, brother... She is seeking attention and you do not have to reward her by granting it. As you describe it, you are in a no-win situation. If you tell her how you really feel, she will twist it and justify herself and you will never have a satisfactory conversation. You are never going to change her. So, in your shoes, I would simply refuse to engage.

[RioSamba]

I'm so sorry, that is absolutely rotten. I agree that the very best thing you can do is not to engage about the journal at all. It's not worth your time.

[Selkie]

:grouphug:   Wow, your mom is awful.  If I were in your shoes, I'd cut ties and move on with my life.  I have absolutely no tolerance for narcissists.

[Acadie]

To your question about what to do about the journal--I doubt anything you do or say is going to make your mother respond in a way that feels right to you.

 

But you absolutely have the power to rewrite this story yourself.

 

It does sound like narcissism. Seek therapy. Continue raising your children with the loving, attentive responsiveness that is the birthright of children born into this world. Grieve, feel anger and sadness, whatever is your authentic response to reading her twisted version of things. You are so much more, so much better than her warped view.

 

I'm sorry that she doesn't see and say that. But there's a whole wide world out there (including me!) that can see what a lovely person you are. 

 

Live *your* life and write your own story. With people you love. People who cherish you and respond to you in ways that bring out your energy, joy, and desire to engage and live your life with them. There may be some folks who read your mother's story that you want to talk to about it--or not.

 

Far more important than how you respond to your mother's version of things is that you live your own beautiful life. 

 

Amy

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MomatHWTK]

I saw someone for about six months while working through recovering from my parent. 

[planner]

Everyone has been so kind to me. Thank you! It really means so much to me.

[snowbeltmom]

Everyone has been so kind to me. Thank you! It really means so much to me.

After reading more of your later posts that provide even more backstory about your mom, I definitely would not mention the manuscript at all.  When your mom asks for your opinion on it, I would tell her that you haven't had a chance to read it yet. (Make sure you tell your brother not to mention your conversation about the manuscript to your mom.)

 

Since your mom is also pushing for your daughter to read it, I would make sure you reiterate to your kids again how you would prefer they not read it out of respect for you. 

 

Please read up on narcissists.  I predict that you will be shocked when you read some of literature out there - you will wonder how the authors know your mother and your family dynamics so well.