I have 2 kids- one homeschool, one not - already have regrets - day 3

[poppy]

Decided to homeschool my 8 year old DD  She has social processing disorder, terrible anxiety issues, dyslexia, probably inattentive ADHD.  In a classroom she meows or hides, and believes everyone hates her.  So that wasn't working, pulled her out.  So far it's been marvelous.  She is so curious, so eager, and just giddy to be with me.  We have a weekly coop and several monthly classes to go to, I love the materials I'm working with, I feel like I'm in a great place and so is she.

 

I have a nuerotypical six year old DS. He's whip smart, a little shy.  My husband suggested we send him to school because he really seems to grow / thrive around peers.  I thought, let's do 1st grade at public school so I can see how homeschooling goes with the needier kid. Maybe bring him home next year.

 

So far his experience with 1st grade has been: every morning he says he doesn't feel good and doesn't want to get on the bus. His commute is 45 minutes each way.  He comes off the bus smiling but says the day was too long.  He barely touches his lunch ('not enough time').  Says he is not allowed to run at recess.  I asked him how his music and art classes are and he said "well the first week all we do is learn rules and safety". 

 

Now, none of that is horrible - at all.  If I didn't have this other kid who spends the day painting and exploring and telling me how happy she is that she is homeschooling it would be SO much easier.

 

I don't know if I can wait to pull him til next year.  I don't know if I can even  wait til the holidays!  I want to pull him so bad. On the other hand...... it might be a good experience for him.  Not fair to really judge in week 1.  We had a lazy summer, transition is hard, yadda yadda. He is making friends which is so nice (we are new in town). Plus, I can't really fairly judge how HOMESCHOOLING is going to be based on 3 days either, you know?

 

AAAAAH. 

 

I can't tell my friends / family.  Half are very skeptical of homeschooling.  The other half is deeply contemptuous of "government schools". Neither of those would be helpful for me right now.

 

Thanks for reading my vent.  I wouldn't mind advice , especially from folks who have experience here.

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

The flip side of "how do I know hs'ing is as good as it seems after three days" is "I probably can't manage to screw up education for an eager and capable 6yo so this is probably a risk-free time to try hs'ing for him, too."

 

All the other not-so-awful lessons of a normal school will still be there if you put him back in school later. He doesn't have to learn those lessons at 6. And just wanting him home is reason enough to homeschool. There doesn't have to be a real problem. :)

 

(Weighing in as a person who never advises anyone to homeschool anymore. But if someone says they want to, I can be counted on to say, "Go ahead, then, because it's a legal and legitimate way to educate your child if you want to.")

 

:)

[eternalsummer]

The first week *is* boring and all about safety and rules and etc.  I'd give it maybe 3 weeks before worrying, assuming there is nothing egregious.

 

Why can't he run at recess?  That's a little insane.

 

That said, I wish we'd pulled DS out of full-day K earlier.  I kept saying, well, it's just this thing or that thing or the other thing, he can push through it or it will get better or whatever.  It just got worse and worse, and in fact it turned out there was a lot he wasn't even telling us.  

[38carrots]

The 1.5h daily commute for a 6yo is insane. If you want him home, bring him home! 6 year olds belong in the family, learning from parents, rather than from equally immature peers.

[ktgrok]

45 minute commute would be enough to bring him home for me. Actually, what would do it is him saying he doesn't feel well and wants to stay home. If a kids is saying that, they are not happy. They are anxious. Kids shouldn't associate anxiety with school. That's not how you develop a love of learning. I waited to pull my son and it killed his love of learning. 

[regentrude]

1.5 hours on the bus in addition to a full school day for a 6 year old is nuts. That alone would be grounds for me to keep him home since you are home anyway.

 

"It might be a good experience for him"... in what way? Why would it be a better experience than homeschool?

 

I had initially withdrawn only DD but not DS because her issues were bigger and I did not think he would be motivated to homeschool around my work commitment. He really wanted to, convinced me that he woudl make it work, I pulled him out, never looked back.

 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2016 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

That's a long commute, but in more rural areas really common around here.  Even in the city for kids bussed to special schools.

 

I wouldn't hesitate to give it another few weeks, if you want to, you'll have a much better idea of the routine at school and home.

[happymom4]

One thing I've learned in homeschooling is that there are many different ways to teach and parent each child.  It doesn't have to be one way.  Choices don't have to be permanent.  You can choose to homeschool for a period then go back to public school and vice versa.  

 

I think it would be a good idea to wait at least one semester before pulling your ds.  This gives you time to work with dd who needs more attention and to find your rhythm in hsing overall.  Dd is in a happy place right now so I wouldn't disrupt it especially if she is sensitive to change.  Enjoy these great days you guys are having.   

[IfIOnly]

Maybe he wants to be home with you and dd, especially since you're both having such a great time? Were his thoughts and feelings taken into consideration in the decsion to send him? How does he feel now about it? If my kid wanted to be home, even after a week, and there was no real reason not to, I would bring him home.

[busymama7]

The first week *is* boring and all about safety and rules and etc. I'd give it maybe 3 weeks before worrying, assuming there is nothing egregious.

 

Why can't he run at recess? That's a little insane.

 

That said, I wish we'd pulled DS out of full-day K earlier. I kept saying, well, it's just this thing or that thing or the other thing, he can push through it or it will get better or whatever. It just got worse and worse, and in fact it turned out there was a lot he wasn't even telling us.

The public school next to our house doesn't allow any running. I'm not kidding. We can hear them yelling at the kids to not run. They get 8 mins of recess after lunch. And no running. 😒

[eternalsummer]

Ours (that we pulled DS out of in K) had what they called the Peaceful Lunch.

 

What it meant in practice was that no one was allowed to talk at lunch.  Not one word.  The punishment if you talked (which DS did, of course, as he was in K and is a chatterbox) was to walk in circles around the playground at recess instead of playing.

 

We knew this was sort of the case but we didn't realize until we pulled him out that he had been doing this every single day since school started.  Ugh, I felt terrible for subjecting him to that for 2 months.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

The first week *is* boring and all about safety and rules and etc.  I'd give it maybe 3 weeks before worrying, assuming there is nothing egregious.

 

You know, I was on board with this until I saw the next poster mention the 1.5 hour commute. THAT IS CRAZY. I couldn't even handle that on top of a full day. Given everything you've described and this on top of it, I would bring him home and not look back. 

 

:grouphug:

Edited September 11, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

The public school next to our house doesn't allow any running. I'm not kidding. We can hear them yelling at the kids to not run. They get 8 mins of recess after lunch. And no running. 😒

 

Ours (that we pulled DS out of in K) had what they called the Peaceful Lunch.

 

What it meant in practice was that no one was allowed to talk at lunch.  Not one word.  The punishment if you talked (which DS did, of course, as he was in K and is a chatterbox) was to walk in circles around the playground at recess instead of playing.

 

We knew this was sort of the case but we didn't realize until we pulled him out that he had been doing this every single day since school started.  Ugh, I felt terrible for subjecting him to that for 2 months.

 

This thread is literally making my stomach ache  :(

Edited September 11, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Guest]

Things I have never heard anyone say: 1)  I wish I hadn't had as many kids, and 2) I wish I had left them in public school longer. 

 

I say go with your gut. If you're feeling conflicted about him staying in PS there is a reason, and like so many others have said, it's not going to hurt a thing to pull him out at this point. You can always switch later. It sounds like a lot of pressure though for a little guy between the drive and the rules, etc. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This thread is literally making my stomach ache  :(

 

Me, too. Come on, America, these are children.

 

I was just telling my 18yo son about a "recess" that is 8 minutes with no running. We were recalling how he did recess as a hs'ed little boy -- it was the inverse, really. I got about 8 minutes of focused attention out of him at a time, and then he was off running, yelling, and climbing trees again! Rein him back in, do another lesson, there he goes...

[Shellydon]

No running and no balls of any kind allowed during the 15 minute recess here too.  5 years ago a student fell and broke her arm playing tag and the put an end to running on the playground.

[SKL]

The dynamic with DD would probably change a lot if your DS was home.

 

I agree with those who suggest giving it some more time to see if things get better.

 

I wonder what is making your son feel unwell in the mornings.  If that continues, I'd try to figure that out.  It might be something that could be fixed with a small adjustment or maybe even just a heart-to-heart talk.  (Around that age, my daughter developed an intolerance to milk, and it took me a while to realize it.)

[Starr]

I would bring him home tomorrow. 

[catz]

Commute alone would have me pulling a 6 year old.  That's ridiculous.  Young kids often will say they have a stomach ache if they are nervous or stressed or over tired.   My daughter did.  She was a puker at times too.  It was anxiety.

[poppy]

Reading these responses & mulling, thanks everyone.

 

I'm aware the "I don't feel good" is nervousness.... but, I think nervousness is natural.  We moved here a month ago.  He is going to a new school.  He doesn't know anyone.  Of course he's nervous, wouldn't just about anyone be?  Even as an adult, going into a new social situation, I feel antsy.  If I was 6 I might describe that as "I don't feel good".   If he was fine to start out with, but got a tummyache a few weeks in, THAT would be a red flag for me.

 

I think I'll just drive him in.  That would definitely cut the commute time down. I have been having him take the bus because I didn't want to wake DD up and I thought maybe he'd bump into local kids.  But given how early the bus is coming (much earlier than we expected) that doesn't seem fair anymore.

 

Of course I want to pull him, right now, pronto. I'm trying to measure if that's wise.  It does seem kind of inevitable, though, doesn't it? But I'm wary of piling on MORE change in an already chaotic time for these two. 

Edited September 11, 2016 by poppy

[eternalsummer]

It's definitely not inevitable; he might adapt and end up liking it.  Most kids like school.  Most kids do well in school.  Most kids are nervous at first, and exhausted from long days (esp. if he has not gone to half-day K or daily preschool in preparation).

 

But he might not be one of the most.  My DS wasn't.  

 

I'd definitely drive him for a couple of weeks and see if that alleviates some of the exhaustion and some of the reluctance.  If it doesn't get better, reassess.

 

I do disagree that if you start homeschooling him now you can "just put him back in".  Once you take him out for this year, you are more or less committed to the year.  Coming into a classroom in the middle of a school year is really really hard (I speak from experience).  

[DawnM]

Is he just saying he is tired and doesn't feel well or is he begging to come home and be homeschooled?  To me, that is different.  The former would be a "let's give it more time for him to adjust" while the latter would have me reconsidering school entirely (although I would still give it more time.)

 

When my Aspie was in 3rd grade we tried school.  My husband drove him and I picked him up (although he was in after school care because I worked.)  He begged and begged and begged to come home and be homeschooled again.  I just couldn't deal with it, so I quit around Christmas and brought the boys home.  My middle son actually asked if he could stay in school (2nd grade) but then decided he was find either way, so I pulled him out too.

 

 

[Guest]

Reading these responses & mulling, thanks everyone.

 

I'm aware the "I don't feel good" is nervousness.... but, I think nervousness is natural. We moved here a month ago. He is going to a new school. He doesn't know anyone. Of course he's nervous, wouldn't just about anyone be? Even as an adult, going into a new social situation, I feel antsy. If I was 6 I might describe that as "I don't feel good". If he was fine to start out with, but got a tummyache a few weeks in, THAT would be a red flag for me.

 

I think I'll just drive him in. That would definitely cut the commute time down. I have been having him take the bus because I didn't want to wake DD up and I thought maybe he'd bump into local kids. But given how early the bus is coming (much earlier than we expected) that doesn't seem fair anymore.

 

Of course I want to pull him, right now, pronto. I'm trying to measure if that's wise. It does seem kind of inevitable, though, doesn't it? But I'm wary of piling on MORE change in an already chaotic time for these two.

The driving seems like a good solution. It will at least let you tell if the bus is a big contributor.

 

As far as the change though if you DID decide to pull him, you could look at it as ripping off the bandaid. Then all the disruption is at once rather than being spaced out- you have your couple of weeks of adjustment and then it's your new normal for everyone. That's how we tend to roll over here, but I know that doesn't work for everyone. :)

[Janeway]

I think you should bring the 6 yr old home. I made the same mistake as you and I stuck it out for a while and then brought the younger child home. We have been playing catch up and just now seem to be caught up. I should have just had him home in the first place. I think he and his brother would care about each other more too. I think the schooling issue caused a rift.

[Terabith]

I think you should give it more time. Normally, I'd say bring him home, but the biggest thing to me is that you just moved. It IS a good way for him to meet kids. And I wonder how it would effect your daughter. It just hasn't been enough time to judge how well it is working, in either case. Driving him is a good compromise. I would give it till Christmas, unless something egregious occurs.

[Wheres Toto]

Do you have limited social opportunities where you are, that school is the only or primary way to meet other kids?  In that case, being able to meet other kids and make friends may be worth giving school a little more of a chance.   If there are other opportunities to make friends, I would probably pull him.  Have you asked him what he wants to do?  Does he want to be home?

 

We started homeschooling because my son is 2E and it was clear by the time he was 4 years old that he would not do well in public school.  My youngest would probably do fine, but we kept her home too because there was no reason to send her to school.  We do have a lot of opportunities to spend time with other kids - 4-H, Sunday School, choir, swim team, Y classes - and they have made good friends that they see on a regular basis.  

[38carrots]

I think you should give it more time. Normally, I'd say bring him home, but the biggest thing to me is that you just moved. It IS a good way for him to meet kids. And I wonder how it would effect your daughter. It just hasn't been enough time to judge how well it is working, in either case. Driving him is a good compromise. I would give it till Christmas, unless something egregious occurs.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't get this logic at all. See, for me, "just moved" means a potentially stressed 6 yo (moving is one of the biggest stressors) who is sick about going to school and wants to be with his family. He doesn't *need* to meet new kids at this age. He's at his most vulnerable, and he needs to be with his mom and his sister, feeling part of the family. My first thought is sibling relationship--how do you think he feels when his sister enjoying 1:1 with mom and he's literally "sent away"? Nothing in that scenario is good for the child, except being home with his family. I wouldn't send him there for one single day. Yes, I see that as damaging. I wouldn't take the risk at all.

[heartlikealion]

Wow, that's tough. I guess you gotta figure out if schooling can be done with both at home or not. Can you do a trial run over the weekend?? See how it goes?

 

Is driving daily realistic? Wear and tear, time constraints, gas money?

 

Does he have any real free time for running/playing outside of school hours?

 

 

[Laurie4b]

The public school next to our house doesn't allow any running. I'm not kidding. We can hear them yelling at the kids to not run. They get 8 mins of recess after lunch. And no running. 😒

:scared:

[LLMom]

I'd be careful about bringing him home too soon. It's a change that takes getting used to. Homeschooling may be fine now for daughter but it is the honeymoon stage and both of you need time to find your groove as well as your son in school. Driving him sounds like the best idea. Evaluate at Christmas or after a longer period of time. I pulled my kids too soon from school one year ( after thanksgiving) and now wished I would have given it more time.

[Bluegoat]

It always takes me more than a week at a new place to lose the butterflies in the morning, so I agree that is pretty natural at this point for someone who is 6.

 

[staceyobu]

Since you are posting on a homeschool forum, I will chime in with "pull him".

 

The idea of having 1 kid public schooled and 1 kid homeschooled makes me tired. Pull him and go on a fun family vacation while everyone else is in school. He's 6. If all you get to this year are math and reading lessons, you will lose nothing if it bombs and you send him back next year.

 

Find a homeschool group. Have him take an art class or something to be with other kids.

 

But, hey, you are asking totally biased people, lol!

[Reefgazer]

I had kids who were split among their educational methods; one in homeschool and one in public school. I will say that when I have a gut feeling about something like this and can articulate the reasons behind my feeling, it's usually right and I would go with it. So if you really feel that public schools isn't going to work for you, you may as will just pull DS now. Or give it another week and then pull; you can catchup in two weeks. If you get to the end of the two-week point and its not working, just pull the plug on it.

[Bluegoat]

Same. 

 

I have to make a deal with myself to stick at something for x period of time, because I never feel comfortable right away. 

 

Absent danger, I think it can be empowering to stick something out for a set time. For me, it might be six weeks, for a small person it might be six days. I think that then, even if you quit, you can genuinely say to yourself 'I gave it a good try'.

 

School for a 6 year old who can otherwise be at home probably isn't worth weeks of mega stress though. Another week of coaxing through the butterflies might be.

 

No.  What really struck me about this situation is that it is so soon that I don't think it's possible to have a clear idea what will be stressful.  There haven't been any normal working days yet, and many kids are really tired by a new routine for the first week, and nervous.  He could get over those things and really enjoy it.

 

And it doesn't strike me that there is anything so serious that it will cause lasting problems to give it another week or even three.  It isn't hard to "catch up" school at age 6 if it should be necessary.

[raptor_dad]

"It might be a good experience for him"... in what way? Why would it be a better experience than homeschool?

 

 

I think that's the key unanswered question here. The OP says that DH believes that DS6 grows/thrives more with his peers. What is that based on? Did he previously have a positive experience in preschool, K before the move, church, probably not scouts at that age... If so that would influence how much time I gave the current school situation to work out.

 

For us, DS9 has almost always been homeschooled while DS7 has always been in PS. Driving 20 minutes each way to drop DS7 off is a huge pain but I sincerely believe it is a better choice at this point. DS7 is also a shy, smart kid. In any other family he would be the introverted, gifted kid; In our family he ends up being the extroverted, normal kid. From preschool on, getting out among his peers has been great for him. DS9 is the sort of kid who sucks the oxygen out of the room. Getting DS7 out in the real world has been absolutely great for him. He has absolutely flourished and came out from under the shadow of his brother. He has realized he is a really smart, clever, funny kid in his own right. He hasn't learned much academically in PS but it has been worthwhile socially. Those are opportunities I can't recreate. Every year he complains more about not learning things. At some point we will have to bring him home. Two weeks in this year he has been very unhappy. I'm hoping that changes as he settles in again. I'm not expecting 2nd grade to be when the academic/social tradeoff makes us bring him home... but I could certainly see it being in 3rd or 4th depending on teachers.

 

I'd look at why you thought PS was the best choice in the first place and then give it a couple of months to see how it goes.

[melbotoast]

My DS9 started school this year and didn't like it the first week, but it got better. Give it a bit longer and see. I would definitely drive him so it's not such a long day.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think I'd feel equally conflicted.  Maybe the middle ground with making a decision is to give it a month.  See how it is in a month.  A week just isn't much time and it's always a bit rough in the beginning. 

 

And I would complain about no time for lunch.  That's ridiculous.  Just because it's PS doesn't mean you don't have a right to complain.  The commute is ridiculous too, but that might be something that can't be helped.  But the lunch thing...I'd be mad about that. 

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

If you're ever going to experiment with homeschooling, this is the easiest time to do it. At those ages, schoolwork doesn't take long and you can enjoy field trips without getting home in time for the school bus. I have nothing against public schools. I sent my daughter to high school and she had a great experience, but when she was little, she had loads of time to sleep, play, read, and eat. Our local elementary has a decent reputation and is a ten minute walk away, if that, but we have great field trips here and she did more trips and classes than a schooled kid has time for. Those early years were lovely and they went so fast. With your kids ages, you can combine most subjects. I'd go for it.

[poppy]

I'm so glad I have this place to talk this through.  Thank you everyone.

My update.... this week he's been happier.  He says stuff like "It is more fun once you get to know people".  And talks about how "me and my friends though the waffles at lunch looked weird" .  Friends!

But he also says stuff like, they have behavior charts (" I am a blue but you some people get to purple. Do you think I can be a purple someday?")  Argh.

And he isn't learning anything, and doesn't really have anyone to play with at recess yet.

All while I schedule tons of fun trips and events and excursions with the other kid.

 

I am not going to agonize over this - it's not a nail biter.  He is six, he's giving me a smile as he gets off the bus, he will be absolutely fine no matter what.

Basically still thinking I'll keep it up a while so we can settle into our new lives, then give him a choice for the holidays.  I suspect he will chose home. 

[Lecka]

I have found out a bit more about my older son's reports of not being allowed to run at recess.

 

They are allowed to run on the track. They are allowed to run in a field. They are not allowed to run among the playground equipment. They are not allowed to run where kids are playing tetherball and basketball.

 

It seems like a lot of restrictions in K and 1st, but then since he is older it seems like obvious places it is appropriate to run or not appropriate to run.

 

Now -- it may not turn out to be anything this sensible! But it turned out to seem sensible enough to me as time went on.

 

There are tons of kids in the popular parts of the playground where the jungle gym and swings are. It is not a good place to run. It would be rude to run along the places kids are playing basketball.

 

But then there ARE places where running is allowed!

 

But really, for the longest time maybe my son didn't know that? Or was just very impressed that there were places where he was not allowed to run.

 

I don't know.

 

Here starting in 2nd grade kids run a lap on the track at the start of lunch recess, and they can run or walk on the track.

 

It is possible they don't let the younger kids go on the track, I guess I am not sure.

 

But in practice there are places where it is not appropriate to run, just because it is crowded or kids are playing games and it would disruptive if other kids just ran through their game. The kind of thing that is obvious to kids as they get older, but can need to be spelled out for the younger kids.

[Guest]

I'm glad he is happier this week. That's excellent news! I'd give it another month and if he is still showing some anxiety or sensitivity then re-evaluate, but at this point some acclimating jitters are normal :)

[poppy]

I have found out a bit more about my older son's reports of not being allowed to run at recess.

 

They are allowed to run on the track. They are allowed to run in a field. They are not allowed to run among the playground equipment. They are not allowed to run where kids are playing tetherball and basketball.

 

It seems like a lot of restrictions in K and 1st, but then since he is older it seems like obvious places it is appropriate to run or not appropriate to run.

 

Now -- it may not turn out to be anything this sensible! But it turned out to seem sensible enough to me as time went on.

 

There are tons of kids in the popular parts of the playground where the jungle gym and swings are. It is not a good place to run. It would be rude to run along the places kids are playing basketball.

 

But then there ARE places where running is allowed!

 

But really, for the longest time maybe my son didn't know that? Or was just very impressed that there were places where he was not allowed to run.

 

I don't know.

 

Here starting in 2nd grade kids run a lap on the track at the start of lunch recess, and they can run or walk on the track.

 

It is possible they don't let the younger kids go on the track, I guess I am not sure.

 

But in practice there are places where it is not appropriate to run, just because it is crowded or kids are playing games and it would disruptive if other kids just ran through their game. The kind of thing that is obvious to kids as they get older, but can need to be spelled out for the younger kids.

 

My son also clarified:  they are not allowed to run on the wood chips . So I think it's the same thing.......... no running right smack where all the metal things and kids are. 

It's not a rule I love, but it's a  lot better than "never run outdoors".

[speedmom4]

My pediatrician is very pro-homeschooling but gave me great advice in the beginning. She said to either homeschool them all or none of them because of the potential negative impact on sibling relationships. She felt that if one child was homeschooled and another was not then one child could feel left out. I took that advice quite seriously. I understand that many families do very well having some children at home and some at school but I imagine that works best when kids are older and can understand. 

 

My advice is to bring him home. Enjoy your kids while they are young. Trust me the cliche' that they grow up fast is so true. You'll never regret spending more time with your kids.  :001_smile: