Generic Title, because my brain is melted.

[Carrie12345]

I'm truly thankful for all the feedback!  :grouphug:

Edited August 24, 2016 by Carrie12345

[MomatHWTK]

I think that I would try to have as much flexibility as possible, knowing that the other family is struggling. I can't imagine that my own children would be forever ruined by a little unsettlement in their lives. And learning to be flexible will serve your kids well, as they can't always control their environment. 

 

 

[ktgrok]

I have a serious sit down with your kids, at least the ones old enough to understand. I'd tell them that these kids have been through some awful things, way worse than they could ever imagine, and that's why they are acting strangely. Maybe remind them that when they are overtired and hungry they get cranky too, that when we are in bad circumstances our behavior changes. And that now that they are in a safer place their behavior may start to get better, but it takes a while. That you know it is hard, and not fair, but what these kids have been through isn't fair either, so we have to do the best we can. If you are religious some talk about Jesus and the least of these may be in order. 

 

And do it on a trial basis. 

[marbel]

How old are the visiting kids?  

 

Based on your sig, I think most of your kids are old enough to understand that the family is in crisis and so your family need to make an effort to extend grace to them.  It will be harder for the youngest and even the 9-year-old, I'm sure.    I am picturing my own kids in a similar situation:  my son would be angry and upset (he is not super flexible); my daughter would probably  try to help parent younger kids.  In some ways I can see this sort of experience as good for my son, to teach some compassion, flexibility, etc.  Not that you want to make it a lesson, kwim, just thinking about possible positive benefits from the experience - and thinking in terms of my kids, since I don't know yours.

 

Are there other family members they could go to after, say, a week, so the disruption is shorter?    Is another kind of housing available?   A furnished rental, like a place that caters to traveling business people?  I understand cost may be prohibitive so I don't throw that suggestion out cavalierly as if anyone could do it (we couldn't).  

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Miss Tick]

If they are to stay, you should do the Kool-Aid thing as soon as possible.

 

"We love you, we want you here, let's set up some basic house rules to keep things going smoothly. We should plan to revisit these in three days and then a week to see if we need to add or change any."

 

Good luck.

[PrincessMommy]

You need to have 2 separate conversations. 

 

One with just your kids.  I suspect they're old enough to understand that this family is in a crisis and, even though it sucks, they need help.   It's never easy to help those who are in serious need like this family sounds.  Find out some of their expectations and maybe work this into the conversation with mom.

 

Then I'd have a sit-down with the parent/s and set some simple boundaries.  I like Susan's idea of planning to meet again after a few days.

 

Just because you have taken this family in doesn't mean you have to give up all control over what happens in your house.

 

[bethben]

I don't know if money is an issue, but could you rent a camper and park it on your driveway?  Then you could get a little space away from each other at least at night.  We had a family stay with us when I was a teen.  The other family came from a safe situation but needed to get a new start.  Similar kid situation.  My biggest issue was that my mom essentially became mom to 9 children (6 of us and 3 of them) because the other mom did not do anything - including giving her kids baths, making sure they ate, etc.  We had a camper that they could go to for periods of time and sleep in so that our family could get a break from them.  

[SKL]

It seems to me that everyone needs more than one day to adjust to a new situation.  I think that in your shoes, I'd talk to my kids and explain that and tell them they need to be patient.  I'd dial back any big challenging plans you may have had for the next couple of weeks.  Keep gently upholding your rules (at least the big ones) for the visitor kids.  It may take a couple weeks for them to settle in, but they probably will.  Just imagine you are visiting their house for a month instead of the other way around.  :)

 

Meanwhile, I would not be so sure that they cannot access emergency help even though they are not residents.  I would try to find someone to ask and confirm that.

[Guest]

Its time for you to sit down with the parent and come up with house rules. Then have a meeting with everyone, just like you were camping out, and agree on mealtimes and quiet times. How old are the children? Are you hosting very young children who dont have a sleep routine or are these school age, but have no bedtime?

[lanalouwho]

Have a discussion with their mom. Let her know that she and her family are safe now, and it's time to start putting things back together. Talk about their behavior. Is it normal or a reaction to the situation? What are some ideas that can help them feel more grounded? Discuss the house rules and offer to help them learn the rules. Be willing to help correct them, but don't make her feel like you are taking over.

 

And, by the way, I think it is amazing that you would open your home to them in their time of need. I hope things start looking up for them soon.

 

Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk

[Bambam]

I think you've gotten some good advice already.

But, I'm just asking (no need to reply) - will the visitor's behavior endanger your children in any way? 

I agree with thinking about rules and talking with the other family (including the kids if they are old enough). You can explain that you want this to work, but that you *must* protect and care for your own family first. 

Could you afford a long-term hotel? We have some residential type hotels here where you get a substantial discount if you rent by the week, and even more if you rent by the month. 

Are there any other relatives/friends they could spend some of the time with?

Are there outside activities that you could 'help' them to attend? I'm thinking like visiting the library for 1 hour every morning, the park 2 hours every afternoon, take a walk around the neighborhood every evening after supper. This just to give you both a break.

 

 

[Aura]

There was a time when we had family stay with us for similar reasons. It was difficult, but we had a family discussion before they even arrived about expectations and the fact that the visiting family was coming from a difficult situation and we (dh & I) expected everyone to extend some grace.

 

I let things slide when I could. For sleep issues, though, I was very clear that no one should be waking anyone else up. This went both ways. I've had to operate with way too little sleep too often, and I am very aware of the havoc it plays with emotions when people do not get adequate sleep. It makes everything worse. I would have a very frank conversation with everyone and set very clear boundaries on not disturbing others sleep.

 

I also made arrangements for white noise for everyone so that on the occasion that someone does something louder than intended, it doesn't necessarily wake everyone up. Every bedroom got a fan. No lights on if someone is sleeping. That kind of thing. It's going to happen that someone shuts a door louder than intended, etc, so you've got to plan for that as well as making it clear that everyone should be compassionate towards the sleeping individuals.

 

It wasn't that big of a deal in my house. The main person who would be up at all hours was the adult, who was pretty good about keeping things quiet. But if there had been a problem with any of the younger kids, I would have moved all night people into one room and told them (nicely but firmly) to play only in that room when the rest of the house was asleep. Any older ones, I'd be firm about being quiet and show them how to use the headphones for the TV.

 

I would also be prepared to get up myself and redirect people as necessary until everyone learned how to make it through the night without disturbing the whole house! (And in return, I'd probably make sure to take naps myself, because I know how I get when I don't get enough sleep, and I would want to be able to deal with situations appropriately.)

 

Also, I tried to be sympathetic to my kids, but I would not tolerate any kind of attitude about them being inconvenienced. If their only issue was that things were done differently or they had to extend a little more energy, then I was very clear that they were the ones needing the attitude change. This was not a permanent arrangement, and they could afford a few inconveniences in the name of compassion.

 

I did, however, make sure to listen to their concerns and if there was a real problem (say, with visiting relative doing something destructive, etc.), I tried to address that. And I did not expect my kids to entertain or even play with the visiting kids. I expected them to be nice. If they wanted to retreat in their device or book or whatever, that was fine. They didn't have to interact. They just needed to be polite and compassionate.

 

And it required having some time without the other family around. We went on a trip while the family was visiting. It gave the visiting family some time to themselves, and us some time to ourselves. It was a nice break. I'd suggest that taking little afternoon/day trips to the park with just your family would be a good thing, especially if a several day or a week trip was out of the question.

[Aura]

I should add, that at the time, my kids ranged from 3 to 16. And so did the visiting family. Their youngest child and oldest child lined up very closely to mine. I had all boys in one room. All girls in another room. And the adult got a room alone.

 

I expected clashes between the kids, so I didn't get upset when it happened. I was already prepared to deal with it. And really, the kids got along pretty well. There was only one clash between the teen boys...which I knew would happen sooner or later...and we dealt with and moved on. I think because I expected and planned for it, I was able to deal with them without any anger, which helped them to get through their disagreement without holding grudges. Hate to put so much on you, but your attitude will make a big difference in how well everything goes.

[TechWife]

I wanted to address the availability of resources. Please don't assume that they won't have access to aid. It

F they stay in your home they are then residents of your state. Your family's income is not always a factor in determining whether or not they will qualify for aid. For example, SNAP doesn't require all of the residents of a home to participate. Other benefits could be set up this way as well. This family really isn't part of your household - you won't be able to claim them on taxes and they don't have access to your income.

 

I strongly suggest that you get in touch with an organization that specializes in helping people in this particular situation (a women's shelter, for example) to find out what resources they offer and if they have someone available who can assist this family in identifying what resources are available to them and how to apply for them. They may have counseling resources as well. Present your findings to the adult who is staying with you when it becomes appropriate.

 

Thank you for being willing to get involved. The world needs more people like you.

[Valley Girl]

Bless you for stepping up and helping to get them out of a bad situation. That's a huge, loving thing to do. The only thing I would suggest in addition to the good advice people have already given you is to make sure your kids have a place (such as their bedrooms) where they can escape the chaos. If you can't swing the extended stay motel for the guests as someone suggested, make sure your own kids and you get some time away from the house each day, too. Can friends step up and help you with that by giving your kids someplace to retreat for a few hours? The younger ones especially are going to need their own mom-time with you. If you belong to a church, are there any resources you could tap there? Best of luck to you.

[Lanny]

Your children and your immediate family are your #1 priority at all times. You tried to help them. Do what is necessary to protect your immediate family (your DH, your DC and you). GL

[bolt.]

In all things: it's, "Safety before comfort. Needs before wants."

 

So, yes, it's ok for your kids to live with chaos for a short time so that another family can have safety, food and shelter. That's "Safety before comfort" -- try to support and love your kids as much as they need.

 

First, that means individual unconditional attention from you for each of your kids for at least 5 minutes a day: each; and alone. I can't stress this enough. It's shocking how much kids will cope with if they can dependably get those 5 minutes to steady themselves daily. You don't have to be casual about it, you can just say, "X it's yor turn for mommy minutes, come away."

 

Don't expect too much of them: they are not an extension of your emergency hosting. If they are being unpleasant, say semi-privately: "Hon, it's totally understandable, and it's exactly what I would feel like doing if I was your age. It would help me out if you didn't though. Kids that come from crisis need months to get used to rules, and the things that help them are actually calm and loving things, not strict things. I know you are coping as best you can, and I'm not going to make extra rules for you.

 

If you focus on the positive and are really warm and understanding as your kids struggle -- they may even remember this as a time when 'mom and I were really close, and I'm so proud of the way we helped that family'.

 

Yes, you probably need to boundary-bust and parent over the head of the visiting mother. She probably won't mind and will love to share the burden of managing her brood. I suggest you act a little bit like "the house mother" -- like you are *her* mother, and one of your "parenting tasks" is to teach her to parent a little better for the time you have her. I don't mean laying down the law and expecting her to toe a line that is well beyond her capacity. (And terrifying: what if you were constantly afraid you were going to loose your home based on parenting kids in that situation?) Just like parenting, observe s bit, figure out one or two key skills to work on at a time, explain them, key-phrase them, demonstrate them, and scaffold her into implementing her own variation the method.

 

As you choose what to focus on, it's "needs before wants" -- needs are: 1. serious physical safety (ie: yes they need to use car seats, any nessisary medications, shelter, etc.), 2. relational security (parental presence, warmth, limiting scare-tactic parenting), 3. sleep, 4. food and water, 5. minor physical safety (don't do things that put you in danger of falling, practice good hygiene to protect your teeth and body, etc)

 

Integrated with that, I'd say core behaviours to work on would be 1. Anything involving violence or mini-violence, 2. Anything involving mistreating peers (including interfering with their "needs" -- like sleep) 3. Anything involving sneaking, lying or taking stuff, 4. Anything involving being mouthy, whiny, demanding, rude to adults, 5. Anything involving care-of-stuff, messiness, waste, 6. Any other house rules.

 

Of course, working one or two priorities at a time, you aren't going to get very far on many of these fronts. And while you are forking on one or two issues, all the rest are just going to keep being problems! That will he hard. But it won't be long, and it's worth doing.

 

If "things" become issues, just get rid of them short-term. Seriously: if they jump on an ottoman, move it to a garage or friends house. If they smash Lego, pack it up for a 'summer vacation'. If they eat a lot of expensive nuts, just don't buy any for a month. All of that stuff-management is easier than kids-in-crisis behaviour management.

 

God bless and help you! Sometimes it's hard to do good.

Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt.

[Carrie12345]

I don't really have time to respond, but I've read and want to express my appreciation! Lots of helpful things to consider and keep in mind.

[bolt.]

I amongst forgot: the last item in my seriously basic parenting mantra is "people before things" -- which is the basis for the last bit of advice to try techniques that focus on changing the kids environment (not their behaviour) whenever possible.

[goldberry]

You are a good person for doing this.  I have a daughter who is very self-focused and hates being inconvenienced.  We were in a similar situation but only for two weeks.  It was a good experience for her, but I had to help her process it and really nip the selfish attitudes quickly.  DD knows that I am a very private person who hates company, so she knew that I was uncomfortable as well, and my example made a big impression on her, from the time I said, "Of course we can help" when she looked at me shocked.

 

I agree with the importance of giving the kids a way to flee the situation for short periods of time.  We only had two weeks so I did not address any behavior of the other family.  I can see that you might have to do that, but keep it to the absolutely necessary things in order to keep functioning.

[Carol in Cal.]

I planned to give you some advice, but the good stuff has all been said already!

 

So I'll just give you hugs.  :)

 

 

 

PS Oh wait.  Hold off on the hard core homeschooling for a bit.  Just do read alouds and music that the whole group can enjoy.  Maybe some games and definitely field trips.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Can you make an apartment for them in part of the house? Just somehow separate the two households for part of the time? I once corndoned off two bedrooms and a bathroom, and put my kids in the family room, and only had the kitchen and living room in common. It can make a tremendous difference, even if the house is small (mine is).

 

If you could give them two bedrooms, they could use one as a bedroom (since it's just a mother with small children) and the other as a sitting room. Even if your kids were all sharing a room it might be very, very worth it.

 

The other thing that I can recommend from experience is to put a time limit on this arrangement, whether it's 2 weeks or 30 days...after a few days (like, two or three) to relax, it's time to make plans because that's what adults do, even when they've been through something extreme. So some part of the day, every day, is spent with the adults working out Phase 2 of the plan.

[Carrie12345]

Just popping back in to say I feel a lot better today.  Doesn't mean I'm not panicking, just not as much, lol.

 

Things that take "real" money are not in the cards for us right now.  Extra groceries, some diapers, higher electric bill, more vehicle gas, a treat here and there, sure.  That's about it.  I would love to be able to describe that situation more clearly, but that's not going to happen.

 

Space wise, it's already tight with my nuclear family.  The only way to survive will be a LOT of cooperation and understanding.

 

My kids were rock stars yesterday, especially the one I was most concerned about.  Tiffs have, as far as I've seen, been kept to completely typical kid stuff.  Not that that means an extended stay would/will play out like that, but I was definitely expecting a lot worse yesterday!

 

Getting some privacy to speak more freely as adults would be good.  I think we've done okay with a few minutes here and there, but the older kids can only help out so much with little ones (under school-age) who are very clingy and full of anxiety right now.  They are warming up though, and I'm so happy for them to see that.

[kbutton]

This is not a global suggestion, more of a little thing that might help--if we had extra people here for some time, we'd have to box some stuff up and put it away. It might be extra toys, games, etc. just to have more room to breath and move. We'd probably just buy containers and stack it all somewhere if we had to, but at least it wouldn't be around for the kids to just sling all over or in the way of other people's belongings. It could also just be extra dishes and whatnot--putting stuff in boxes that we don't use everyday to give the guests a cupboard in which to stash stuff. If the linen closet has less bedding in it because it's being used, that might be a place to just pick up some "extra" stuff. It wouldn't be formal decluttering. It would really be, "what aren't we using for the next couple of weeks that could go in this box and out to the garage for now."

 

Also, my kids have special toys they don't have to share. Things that are easily broken or special to them in some way. If we were having people stay, we'd be putting those up. It would be a big anxiety thing for my kids.

 

Basically, I would try to minimize cleanup/clutter and minimize the amount of "no" that needs to be said throughout the day.

 

I would probably also try to do lots of time at the library if they have a good kids section. Ours practically has a little preschool setup with educational toys and games, all in one corner. It even has a bathroom in that area. That might let school going on in another form and give the adults some time to talk and formulate a plan.

 

If that's not at all feasible, please ignore. 

[sassenach]

We've had a variety of people living with us over the years. Ministry goes hand in hand with house guests in crisis.

 

You sound like you're doing great. I just want to add, do not be afraid to parent these kids. I know it's hard to balance having other people's kids in the house and allowing them to parent and keeping those boundaries, but the families that we've housed have often needed a new parenting paradigm. They need it modeled, and they also need to see healthy parenting strategies work on their kids. I think that parents often think that things that work for your kids just won't work on theirs. They need to see some other tools in action.

 

You're doing a good thing.

 

ETA: if you haven't already, make sure your kids have spaces of their own that they can retreat to. We keep our kids' rooms off limits. We also allow them to go in the master bedroom to hang out and watch TV if they want a living space that's not the main one. 

Edited August 19, 2016 by Sassenach

[Harriet Vane]

In all things: it's, "Safety before comfort. Needs before wants."

 

So, yes, it's ok for your kids to live with chaos for a short time so that another family can have safety, food and shelter. That's "Safety before comfort" -- try to support and love your kids as much as they need.

 

First, that means individual unconditional attention from you for each of your kids for at least 5 minutes a day: each; and alone. I can't stress this enough. It's shocking how much kids will cope with if they can dependably get those 5 minutes to steady themselves daily. You don't have to be casual about it, you can just say, "X it's yor turn for mommy minutes, come away."

 

Don't expect too much of them: they are not an extension of your emergency hosting. If they are being unpleasant, say semi-privately: "Hon, it's totally understandable, and it's exactly what I would feel like doing if I was your age. It would help me out if you didn't though. Kids that come from crisis need months to get used to rules, and the things that help them are actually calm and loving things, not strict things. I know you are coping as best you can, and I'm not going to make extra rules for you.

 

If you focus on the positive and are really warm and understanding as your kids struggle -- they may even remember this as a time when 'mom and I were really close, and I'm so proud of the way we helped that family'.

 

Yes, you probably need to boundary-bust and parent over the head of the visiting mother. She probably won't mind and will love to share the burden of managing her brood. I suggest you act a little bit like "the house mother" -- like you are *her* mother, and one of your "parenting tasks" is to teach her to parent a little better for the time you have her. I don't mean laying down the law and expecting her to toe a line that is well beyond her capacity. (And terrifying: what if you were constantly afraid you were going to loose your home based on parenting kids in that situation?) Just like parenting, observe s bit, figure out one or two key skills to work on at a time, explain them, key-phrase them, demonstrate them, and scaffold her into implementing her own variation the method.

 

As you choose what to focus on, it's "needs before wants" -- needs are: 1. serious physical safety (ie: yes they need to use car seats, any nessisary medications, shelter, etc.), 2. relational security (parental presence, warmth, limiting scare-tactic parenting), 3. sleep, 4. food and water, 5. minor physical safety (don't do things that put you in danger of falling, practice good hygiene to protect your teeth and body, etc)

 

Integrated with that, I'd say core behaviours to work on would be 1. Anything involving violence or mini-violence, 2. Anything involving mistreating peers (including interfering with their "needs" -- like sleep) 3. Anything involving sneaking, lying or taking stuff, 4. Anything involving being mouthy, whiny, demanding, rude to adults, 5. Anything involving care-of-stuff, messiness, waste, 6. Any other house rules.

 

Of course, working one or two priorities at a time, you aren't going to get very far on many of these fronts. And while you are forking on one or two issues, all the rest are just going to keep being problems! That will he hard. But it won't be long, and it's worth doing.

 

If "things" become issues, just get rid of them short-term. Seriously: if they jump on an ottoman, move it to a garage or friends house. If they smash Lego, pack it up for a 'summer vacation'. If they eat a lot of expensive nuts, just don't buy any for a month. All of that stuff-management is easier than kids-in-crisis behaviour management.

 

God bless and help you! Sometimes it's hard to do good.

 

 

Brilliant post.

 

I will add--when we did this on two different occasions, we found solace in:

 

--Rigid schedule for my kids. Predictability helps.

 

--Separate space for the guests somehow. They need privacy as badly as we do. 

 

--Most importantly, my kids needed a total break sometimes. For us, that meant they spent time alone with their grandparents from time to time, at the grandparents' house. Thank God for that vacation space.

 

 

 

Love the idea of you being the "house mom." I, too, found that was absolutely necessary both times we did this. 

 

Bless you--you can do it.  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

It might help to write down the rules, post them and review them.  Even for the kids that may not be reading yet, having a list of rules that someone reviews with them periodically might help give them structure and something consistent they can count on to help them understand what is expected of them.  Not as a punishment or presented as a rigidly enforced prison scenario.  Just be very clear that to function with this many people in a relatively small space for an extended period of time everyone needs to follow some structure (talk with the mom first to maybe include her in brainstorming what would work best for her kids AND yours in way of presenting and rules that would be important to address right away).

 

Also, maybe a structured schedule (which may take a lot of time to tweak out and get everyone used to) where there are read alouds and structured play and some light academics and most importantly a very specific time of day for naps and quiet time and space for everyone, as much as is possible.

 

Is the mom struggling to parent?  She may not be in good enough emotional shape to stay organized and consistent.  And she may be struggling with Executive Function issues.  If so, perhaps you can scaffold her.   Keep lines of communication open and make sure you are taking care of you as you take care of everyone else.

[Carrie12345]

 

You sound like you're doing great. I just want to add, do not be afraid to parent these kids. I know it's hard to balance having other people's kids in the house and allowing them to parent and keeping those boundaries, but the families that we've housed have often needed a new parenting paradigm. They need it modeled, and they also need to see healthy parenting strategies work on their kids. I think that parents often think that things that work for your kids just won't work on theirs. They need to see some other tools in action.

 

 

 

 

Is the mom struggling to parent?  She may not be in good enough emotional shape to stay organized and consistent.  And she may be struggling with Executive Function issues.  If so, perhaps you can scaffold her.   Keep lines of communication open and make sure you are taking care of you as you take care of everyone else.

 

Yes, she is definitely struggling.  But I've been surprised to see that I think she's both doing the best she's able to right now, and pretty open to input and "assistance".  The kids, however, are requiring some VERY careful handling.  Enforcing any sort of "no" is met with screaming like I've never heard before.  And I've heard some screaming through 5 kids!  But this is clear trauma, and I'm trying to be sure not to add any more.  Mom is (mostly) allowing me to enforce, but I can see it's incredibly hard for her, not only because she doesn't want her kid to be screaming like a banshee, but because she doesn't want other people to have to listen to her scream like a banshee.  I do think she's seeing the improvement though, just over a couple of days.  And I think she hears me that some professional guidance is going to be needed.  

 

The big kids are getting the house to themselves for the afternoon, and they're looking forward to it!

[marbel]

<snip>

 

Love the idea of you being the "house mom." I, too, found that was absolutely necessary both times we did this. 

 

<snip>

 

I've never done what you are doing, but I have had to "parent" other peoples' kids from time to time, when parents are there and when they are not. 

 

If I asked a child to do something, or corrected them for something they should not have done, sometimes the child would say "you're not my mom."  I always responded with "True, but I am the mom of this house, so I need you to do as I ask."  Kids always seemed to get that and things would go better.   Parents never seemed to mind either; maybe because they felt hesitant to step in when it was my house and they didn't know my house rules. 

 

[Carrie12345]

I've never done what you are doing, but I have had to "parent" other peoples' kids from time to time, when parents are there and when they are not. 

 

If I asked a child to do something, or corrected them for something they should not have done, sometimes the child would say "you're not my mom."  I always responded with "True, but I am the mom of this house, so I need you to do as I ask."  Kids always seemed to get that and things would go better.   Parents never seemed to mind either; maybe because they felt hesitant to step in when it was my house and they didn't know my house rules. 

 

 

Right now, I question whether this child would even know what that meant.  (Not saying she doesn't, but I wonder.)  Her reaction is generally one of anger and confusion.  Like, she just doesn't know that rules exist in life, period.  There's no reluctant obedience, so all enforcement has to be physical. (Taking something away, moving her to another room, etc.) She's spent at least half of her short life being saved from other adults' completely age-inappropriate expectations and harsh "discipline", causing the other extreme.  She's slowly picking up on the idea that the world is bigger than her. Other adults behave differently. Other kids behave differently.  SLOWLY, but still faster than I had imagined.

 

I feel like I'm sharing too much on the internet, but the hive has been incredibly helpful these past few days.  I really do think this family can get to a good place, and you all are helping me to watch myself on the whole sacrifice/martyr dangers.

[MrsRobinson]

I had this experience as a 12 year old. Relatives of ours, a mom and 4 kids in crisis lived with us for 3 months while they got on their feet. This is what I remember:

 

-the first few days were hard to adjust to all the noise.

 

-they definitely qualified for food stamps, free day care, and Medicaid (which would cover the cost of counseling). These were hugely helpful to having enough food in the house for everyone and the day care gave them amazing consistency and us a break.

 

-the mom got a job and my parents encouraged her to save every penny. She had enough to rent an apartment in 3 months.

 

-I remember the bathroom being gross and putting on rubber gloves and cleaning it again a few days after my mom did because I couldn't take it! Lol! That then became my official job. I wasn't too happy about that but I wanted to use a clean bathroom so I did it.

 

-this experience is also what taught me that discipline is a good thing because I was witnessing firsthand the chaotic life that resulted from a lack of discipline.

 

-I became grateful for my parents and the way they raised me and my sister and the stable home life they gave us.

 

-the kids did get on my nerves and I would hide in my parents' room. But I never once thought to send them back! I knew this had to be done for their health and safety.

 

-I just texted my sister who was 7 at the time. All she remembers is extra play mates, squeezing everyone around the kitchen table for dinner, and a few fights with the kids. She doesn't feel permanently scarred.

 

I hope hearing possible kid perspectives helps a little. You are doing a good thing.:)

[Valley Girl]

You're probably already doing this, but I would also be sure to tell my own kids frequently that I notice their good efforts and that their kindness and patience is helping and having a positive impact. Giving them that pat on the back and an "I'm proud of you" can go a long way. Good luck. You have a big heart.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[Ottakee]

We have not had a mom with us in that situation but have done foster care and taken in children from similar situations.

 

First thing to remember is that the first 2 weeks are chaos, they just are.  Expect it, embrace it, endure it, etc.....they are just chaos.

 

The mom and kids have likely been in pure survival mode for a long time now.  I think it is fine for you to be the HOUSE MOM and set the rules and expectations, while realizing that the little ones likely have never experienced it so a lot of very gentle teaching and training needs to be done.  The mom is likely also very overwhelmed and needs some good modeling on what a healthy family looks like.

 

I would encourage you to take her to the local human services department for some assistance.  Depending on the situation she would most likely get medicaid (at least for the kids) and WIC and possibly food stamps or more help like housing, etc.  A women in transition program might also have great ideas for services in your area.  That might help free up your budget a bit as well.

 

Giving the mom and even the kids, small chores to be helpful can go a long ways.  A lot of healing can happen when hands are kept busy with meaningful work.

 

Try to plan simple meals and cut down your overall expectations for everyone for the first 2 weeks (see above).