Christians, help me think this divorce issue through...

[GinaPagnato]

My best friend is separated from her husband, and the divorce process is nearing completion. She is a Christian, she thought her husband was, but now none of us is convinced considering how he's been acting toward her. He's been lying for years about money, about completing tasks, about anything that was of importance to her. This all came to a head several years ago when they lost their house because of his irresponsibility and deceit. No addictions, no affairs, nothing illegal, as far as we can tell. He's just a liar. Their marriage counselor also thinks there is some personality disorder going on, as well.

 

So. They dealt with all that in counseling for about 2 years. He hasn't changed. His detachment from her and the family increased, he was physically violent with her twice, verbally abusive, emotionally withdrawn, but still *physically* present in the home. Finally her older DD, a teenager, said that she was going to move out and live with a friend if Dad remained in the home. My friend tells her husband this, and he agrees to move out, ostensibly with the idea that they would work through things, but while separated. He never followed up with his own therapy sessions, blew off marriage counseling, and continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive (this has escalated significantly...profanity, insults, messing with her head, cruelty, etc.)

 

Over the last year she has begged him to repent, return to the Lord and to her. He says he has no desire to be with her. I think he's too lazy and ambivalent to initiate the divorce, or else he may have done so. I also think he likes the narrative that his crazy wife left him and poisoned the kids against him. Martyr/survivor and all that baloney. Blames her for everything,takes no responsibility for his own failings, etc.

 

This sounds pretty clear in terms of where it's all headed. She has a good divorce attorney who is looking out for her and her kids, but money is so tight and my friend had previously done nothing with finances, therefore the learning curve is huge. But, she's going to be covered for alimony and the house, etc. So financial issues aren't my question. My question is this: the Bible says divorce is permitted for unrepentant adultery and abandonment. My friend says her husband abandoned them in the sense that he's not interested in working on their marriage. He's done. However, she was the one who asked him to leave and she was the one who initiated the divorce process. Now, he has had ample opportunities to demonstrate his willingness to reengage and work on reconciliation, and he has declined.

 

Do you consider that he abandoned her, and is this just cause for a Biblical divorce?

 

I really just want to hear about this from a scriptural standpoint. Thanks for your thoughts!

[Anne in CA]

From a scriptural standpoint I believe he has abandoned her. He has refused to care for her the way a spouse should and actually damaged her willfully instead. God HATES a hand of violence toward a woman, and he has done violence toward her with his actions. He has had a relationship where he had all the benefit and no sacrifice. That isn't marriage. It also sounds like he hasn't been parenting either. She is going to need some serious self care/ therapy to recover and have a good rest of her life. Simply leaving someone like that isn't good enough. She will have to be very proactive to put her life back together.

 

 

[justasque]

... His detachment from her and the family increased, he was physically violent with her twice, verbally abusive, emotionally withdrawn, but still *physically* present in the home. ...He never followed up with his own therapy sessions, blew off marriage counseling, and continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive (this has escalated significantly...profanity, insults, messing with her head, cruelty, etc.)

 

Over the last year she has begged him to repent, return to the Lord and to her. He says he has no desire to be with her. ...

 

... Now, he has had ample opportunities to demonstrate his willingness to reengage and work on reconciliation, and he has declined.

 

Do you consider that he abandoned her, and is this just cause for a Biblical divorce?

 

I really just want to hear about this from a scriptural standpoint. Thanks for your thoughts!

 

I think he has abandoned the marriage and thus has abandoned her.

[gardenmom5]

 He's been lying for years about money, about completing tasks, about anything that was of importance to her. 

they lost their house because of his irresponsibility and deceit. 

he was physically violent with her twice,

verbally abusive,

emotionally withdrawn,

 

Finally her older DD, a teenager, said that she was going to move out and live with a friend if Dad remained in the home.

 

He never followed up with his own therapy sessions, blew off marriage counseling, and continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive (this has escalated significantly...profanity, insults, messing with her head, cruelty, etc.)

 

 

 

Do you consider that he abandoned her, and is this just cause for a Biblical divorce?

 

I really just want to hear about this from a scriptural standpoint. Thanks for your thoughts!

 

(GOOD FOR THE DAUGHTER.  she has gumption!)

 

look over that list of things you shared.

lies so much they LOST THEIR HOUSE!!!!

physically abusive

emotionally abusive

escalating abuse

manipulative.

 

why in hades is this even a question?!?!?!!!!? do you honestly think God expects a woman to tolerate being abused?

 

[marbel]

Yes, he has abandoned his marriage, his wife, his family. There is effort on your friend's part to preserve the marriage, but none on the part of her husband.   Biblical grounds for divorce.  I don't have scripture cites for you though. 

 

FWIW, my husband has dealt with a few cases like this as an elder and later as a pastor.   Unless there is something missing from your narrative, I am confident he would agree with me.

 

What does your friend's pastor/priest say?

[G5052]

I used to be very black-and-white on this sort of thing, believing in separation but not divorce.

 

Now I'm in middle age with several friends who have been through divorce in situations where there was physical and/or emotional abuse for a long time. After years of counselling with no change and trying to make it work, they separated for a time and then filed for divorce. In each case part of the issue was that the husband's behavior was significantly affecting the children along with the declining state of their marriage. There was also an absolute refusal on the part of the husband to deal with the issues. In other words, significant and long-term problems. The other issue is that separation can be a bit of a legal gray zone, not giving you the protections that divorce does. 

 

In that case, indeed I would say that the marriage has been abandoned by the husband. She tried to deal with the situation, and when it got bad with no change, asked him to move out. Then he didn't make any attempt to resolve the issues. I'd close it out.

[zoobie]

If you're not one of the parties in the marriage, why do you need to justify the decision to divorce in any way at all? Biblically or otherwise?

[Valley Girl]

If you're not one of the parties in the marriage, why do you need to justify the decision to divorce in any way at all? Biblically or otherwise?

 

Generally, I'd say people don't. However, sometimes we see parallels to things in our own lives or in the lives of people who come to us for advice and support (such as a grown child). Not saying that's the case with the OP, but I can see people trying to work through things in their own minds for a variety of reasons. Sometimes outside perspective helps even if we're not the ones directly involved in the particular case.

[GinaPagnato]

I don't need to justify the divorce. I'm helping her and her kids work through these issues, and trying to do it Biblically.

 

Thanks for the responses. They're very helpful. I forgot to add that he would have sex with her *maybe* once a year, despite her practically begging him. So, another mark under the Not Being A Husband category. I think the Bible calls this "defrauding" on another??

 

What about the fact that she is the one initiating the divorce when she could (theoretically and legally) just remain single for how ever long it takes for her husband to repent and come back? Yes, that could never happen. But, on the other hand, God could really break him and use his wife's patience and grace to win him back. So they could remain legally separated but not divorced. It would suck tremendously, but it's another option, right?

 

 

 

[zoobie]

I don't need to justify the divorce. I'm helping her and her kids work through these issues, and trying to do it Biblically.

 

Thanks for the responses. They're very helpful. I forgot to add that he would have sex with her *maybe* once a year, despite her practically begging him. So, another mark under the Not Being A Husband category. I think the Bible calls this "defrauding" on another??

 

What about the fact that she is the one initiating the divorce when she could (theoretically and legally) just remain single for how ever long it takes for her husband to repent and come back? Yes, that could never happen. But, on the other hand, God could really break him and use his wife's patience and grace to win him back. So they could remain legally separated but not divorced. It would suck tremendously, but it's another option, right?

 

She is being abused. She needs professional help. 

[GinaPagnato]

Also, she wants to remarry one day. She wants to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's Biblically okay to do so.

 

I've already told her to put that way, way back on the shelf because there's so much healing that needs to be done for herself and her kids. She agrees with that.

[GinaPagnato]

She is being abused. She needs professional help. 

 

Yes, already been established. She's getting help. Lots of it.

[Seasider]

Also, she wants to remarry one day. She wants to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's Biblically okay to do so.

 

I've already told her to put that way, way back on the shelf because there's so much healing that needs to be done for herself and her kids. She agrees with that.

If she's a devout Christian, she's going to have to leave more room for grace in her life. Christ came to set the captives free, not to be so bound to the letter of marriage laws that they become crushed in spirit.

[6packofun]

Is SHE wondering if it's biblical or not?   I would absolutely consider it abandonment.  There are many ways to be abandoned and I think because Scripture doesn't specify that it only means physically leaving and not coming back that there are grounds for divorce, including the abuse.  I think people assume that because the Bible doesn't spell out abuse as a legit reason for divorce that it isn't implied in the abandonment reason, but I think it IS.  If he has abandoned his responsibilities to care for and protect her (sorry feminists, lol) then he HAS abandoned the marriage and her.

 

[TranquilMind]

From a scriptural standpoint I believe he has abandoned her. He has refused to care for her the way a spouse should and actually damaged her willfully instead. God HATES a hand of violence toward a woman, and he has done violence toward her with his actions. He has had a relationship where he had all the benefit and no sacrifice. That isn't marriage. It also sounds like he hasn't been parenting either. She is going to need some serious self care/ therapy to recover and have a good rest of her life. Simply leaving someone like that isn't good enough. She will have to be very proactive to put her life back together.

Sounds like abandonment to me, but call me skeptical that there has been no other woman. Men usually leave because there is, almost all of the time, from what I have read and seen. Women will leave without another man in the wings, but that is pretty rare for men.

 

So she is likely free on that end as well, but I would want to find out.

 

IF completely and verifiably inapplicable, disregard the last part.

Edited August 10, 2016 by TranquilMind

[cintinative]

One thing that helped me sort through this with a friend was that someone recommended the book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. It is written from a Christian perspective and it does give guidelines for establishing boundaries, evaluating repentance, and even seeking divorce.  I think from what you have said she has done the right thing. It is hard though, because not all churches will see it that way.  Sometimes the preservation of the "marriage" is placed over the safety and health of the wife and children.  I don't agree with this at all. It is a failure of the modern church to understand the psychology of an abuser.  

 

I will pray for her.  

 

ETA:  This is a good read. By the same author as the book mentioned above:  http://leslievernick.com/topic-the-gift-of-truth/

 

 

Edited August 10, 2016 by cintinative

[GinaPagnato]

If she's a devout Christian, she's going to have to leave more room for grace in her life. Christ came to set the captives free, not to be so bound to the letter of marriage laws that they become crushed in spirit.

 

Thank you for this! Very helpful. I've been thinking along those lines, but haven't been able to articulate clearly.

 

[GinaPagnato]

One thing that helped me sort through this with a friend was that someone recommended the book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. It is written from a Christian perspective and it does give guidelines for establishing boundaries, evaluating repentance, and even seeking divorce.  I think from what you have said she has done the right thing. It is hard though, because not all churches will see it that way.  Sometimes the preservation of the "marriage" is placed over the safety and health of the wife and children.  I don't agree with this at all. It is a failure of the modern church to understand the psychology of an abuser.  

 

I will pray for her.  

 

You're right. Her church is fairly supportive (she has stayed there but her husband doesn't attend anywhere at all now, from what I know).

[justasque]

What about the fact that she is the one initiating the divorce when she could (theoretically and legally) just remain single for how ever long it takes for her husband to repent and come back? Yes, that could never happen. But, on the other hand, God could really break him and use his wife's patience and grace to win him back. So they could remain legally separated but not divorced. It would suck tremendously, but it's another option, right?

 

There is civil marriage, and there is church marriage; they are two different things.  If she feels led to do so, she can remain tied through the church marriage but still get a civil divorce to legally protect herself and her children.  Should things change dramatically between them, she can always get a civil marriage again.  

 

I'm not advocating this, I am just answering the question you asked.

[cintinative]

ETA:  This is a good read. By the same author as the book mentioned above:  http://leslievernick...-gift-of-truth/

[Prairie Dawn]

Malachi 2:13-15

13“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. 14“Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. 15“But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. 16“For I hate divorce,†says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,†says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.â€

 

The reason for divorce was the husband dealing treacherously against his wife, and HE is the one spoken to harshly and HIS fault called out.

Another verse where it is clear that God does not approve of any kind of abuse:

 

1 Peter 3:7

7Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

 

 

 

[MercyA]

What about the fact that she is the one initiating the divorce when she could (theoretically and legally) just remain single for how ever long it takes for her husband to repent and come back? Yes, that could never happen. But, on the other hand, God could really break him and use his wife's patience and grace to win him back. So they could remain legally separated but not divorced. It would suck tremendously, but it's another option, right?

 

What a difficult situation.  :( His refusal to reconcile could probably be considered abandonment. However, if I were in her place, I think I would still not be comfortable being the one to initiate the divorce.

 

If she were my friend, I would probably express sadness regarding her situation and the end of her marriage, but otherwise stay out of the divorce issue. If she wanted my input regarding the future, I think would advise her to err on the side of caution and not remarry. If there was any doubt in my mind that the remarriage was not Biblically permissible, I would not want to risk adultery.

Edited August 10, 2016 by MercyA

[gardenmom5]

 . I forgot to add that he would have sex with her *maybe* once a year, despite her practically begging him. 

 

yet- she is sure he doesn't have a honey out there somewhere. . . . . . unless he's impotent  or has a very low s3x drive, she's deluding herself to think there isn't someone else.  (especially given the other things you have shared about his known behavior.  e.g. l.y.i.n.g.)

 

If she's a devout Christian, she's going to have to leave more room for grace in her life. Christ came to set the captives free, not to be so bound to the letter of marriage laws that they become crushed in spirit.

 

The Savior also admonished husbands to love their wives as he loved the church.  this guy ain't. . . . .

 

Also, she wants to remarry one day. She wants to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's Biblically okay to do so.

 

I've already told her to put that way, way back on the shelf because there's so much healing that needs to be done for herself and her kids. She agrees with that.

 

I'm glad you've advised her to put that off - she has a long road to get to where she is capable of a healthy marriage relationship.  (it's also about picking the guy, and what you'll tolerate.)

[Callie]

(GOOD FOR THE DAUGHTER.  she has gumption!)

 

look over that list of things you shared.

lies so much they LOST THEIR HOUSE!!!!

physically abusive

emotionally abusive

escalating abuse

manipulative.

 

why in hades is this even a question?!?!?!!!!? do you honestly think God expects a woman to tolerate being abused?

 

 

Agreed!

[ktgrok]

Well, I'm probably coming from the wrong denominational perspective, but perhaps the insight will be helpful. I'm Catholic, and we believe a true sacramental marriage cannot be broken, but that it sometimes what looked like a marriage never really was, not really. An easy version of this is the bride is forced into the marriage by her family for being sexually active. She doesn't truly consent, but goes along. With out true consent, it isn't a sacramental, valid marriage. Another example would be someone who was drunk when they said their vows, and again couldn't give full true consent. Or, perhaps the person isn't mentally/emotionally stable enough to give true consent and be a partner. That was the grounds for my own annulment (well, that and that I only agreed because I was pregnant). My ex was mentally unstable, suffering from severe anxiety and depression and not emotionally mature enough to truly commit to being a spouse. Sounds like this would be a similar case. 

 

So not just from the point of "is he acting in a way now that in wrong" but also from the perspective of, was he even capable or willing to truly commit to what being a husband means, at the time of the marriage. If he never was/did, then was it ever really a marriage in the full sense of the word?

 

(note: annulment has to do with the sacramental nature of marriage. Children are still valid, because that has to do with legal implications, not spiritual)

[Crimson Wife]

If he was only having TeA with her once per year, I'd bet a lot of money that there actually WAS adultery on his part. Abuse + probable adultery = Biblical grounds for divorce.

[luuknam]

yet- she is sure he doesn't have a honey out there somewhere. . . . . . unless he's impotent  or has a very low s3x drive, she's deluding herself to think there isn't someone else.  (especially given the other things you have shared about his known behavior.  e.g. l.y.i.n.g.)

 

Some people just use their hand(s).

[gardenmom5]

Some people just use their hand(s).

 

that's still "someone" else . . . . .

[Crimson Wife]

Some people just use their hand(s).

 

We're not talking a teenager here but a grown man with presumably his own car and the ability to rent a motel room. Plus with the Internet he could find hookups without having to cruise local bars.

[Guest]

I would absolutely consider that abandonment, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised to learn that he had a little chickie-poo on the side waiting.

 

THE WIFE IS *ALWAYS* THE LAST TO KNOW.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Kinsa

[luuknam]

that's still "someone" else . . . . .

 

Well, yeah... it's obviously not her. You just made it sound like another woman, which would be adultery. Masturbation, iirc, isn't adultery, biblically or otherwise (though it does break some biblical verse about not wasting seed or something, iirc - not too well versed in that part of the bible).

[Janeway]

The bible allows for divorce for more reasons than abandonment. And really, women are the only ones who can't move on from a first marriage. Men can have all the wives they want as well as concubines. So, he is good. She is just screwed here. No matter what he did, biblically, she is not supposed to move on until he dies.

[Callie]

What a difficult situation.  :( I think the fact that he refuses to reconcile could probably be considered abandonment. However, if I were in her place, I think I would still not be comfortable being the one to initiate the divorce.

 

If she were my friend, I would probably express sadness regarding her situation and the end of her marriage, but otherwise stay out of the divorce issue. If she wanted my input regarding the future, I think would advise her to err on the side of caution and not remarry. If there was any doubt in my mind that the divorce was not Biblically permissible, I would not want to risk adultery.

 

  She was married to a lying abuser so she should remain single the rest of her life?  No.  Basically continue to to suffer by being alone because you picked a jerk the first time.  No.

[luuknam]

We're not talking a teenager here but a grown man with presumably his own car and the ability to rent a motel room. Plus with the Internet he could find hookups without having to cruise local bars.

 

I'm quite aware, but thanks.

[gardenmom5]

Well, yeah... it's obviously not her. You just made it sound like another woman, which would be adultery. Masturbation, iirc, isn't adultery, biblically or otherwise (though it does break some biblical verse about not wasting seed or something, iirc - not too well versed in that part of the bible).

 

it could be a woman (or womEN), or p*rn, or even men in bath houses.  any of which is a taboo in Biblical marriage.  and even if it's just playing with himself (which usually involves p*rn) - he's NOT focusing on his marriage.

[luuknam]

it could be a woman (or womEN), or p*rn, or even men in bath houses.  any of which is a taboo in Biblical marriage.  and even if it's just playing with himself (which usually involves p*rn) - he's NOT focusing on his marriage.

 

Well yeah... their marriage sounds like it's toast.

[QueenCat]

Our former pastor taught that adultery is more than just sexual. It's being unfaithful to your vows. So she has ample biblical grounds to leave him. And if one doesn't view adultery this way, why would anyone stay with someone who is harmful to her and her kids. Harm is not just physical. I'd divorce that guy in a heartbeat.

[MotherGoose]

The bible allows for divorce for more reasons than abandonment. And really, women are the only ones who can't move on from a first marriage. Men can have all the wives they want as well as concubines. So, he is good. She is just screwed here. No matter what he did, biblically, she is not supposed to move on until he dies.

This applied in the Old Testament, but not in the New Testament. All modern teachings from mainline churches apply to both husband and wife.

[QueenCat]

 

What about the fact that she is the one initiating the divorce when she could (theoretically and legally) just remain single for how ever long it takes for her husband to repent and come back? Yes, that could never happen. But, on the other hand, God could really break him and use his wife's patience and grace to win him back. So they could remain legally separated but not divorced. It would suck tremendously, but it's another option, right?

 

I wouldn't wait around. She has a right to happiness too. Hopefully, there is a good guy out there for her to find.

[gardenmom5]

one other thing - she needs to be tested for stds. I know you said they don't engage in T3A more than once a year, but it needs to be ruled out.  ('cause it's unlikely he's otherwise celibate.)

[QueenCat]

You're right. Her church is fairly supportive (she has stayed there but her husband doesn't attend anywhere at all now, from what I know).

 

I should hope they'd be 100% supportive of her and her children. Pathetic if they aren't.

[heartlikealion]

We can all give opinions, but perhaps she would benefit from talking to her own pastor (if she has one she feels comfortable speaking with??). Has she done this? Not necessarily rely on him for counseling them through it all, but for some insight on the spiritual front.

 

Depending on her religion, she may apply for an annulment?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

1. Just weighing in as another who doesn't believe he's possibly been "faithful" sexually, so

 

2. seconding that she should be advised to be tested for STDs, and

 

3. she could not be more abandoned by him than she is, even if he was caught in the act of adultery. There's not a definition by which this whole scenario is not abandonment. He has bailed on her and the family in every possible way.

 

:(

[lllll]

nm

Edited August 16, 2016 by ~ d9n

[Guest]

He has abandoned her, he has abandoned the marriage, and he has broken his vows.  

 

There is no marriage at this point.  Just a legal contract that has to be unwound.  

 

Mercy.

[marbel]

The bible allows for divorce for more reasons than abandonment. And really, women are the only ones who can't move on from a first marriage. Men can have all the wives they want as well as concubines. So, he is good. She is just screwed here. No matter what he did, biblically, she is not supposed to move on until he dies.

 

What Christian denomination are you talking about?    This is not correct.

 

[GinaPagnato]

He doesn't have a girlfriend/mistress. He has an almost zero-level sex drive and is significantly older than her (he's in his mid-60's), but really, has been unavailable to her sexually for a long time.IIRC, he went to a doctor about this at her insistence, and had normal testosterone. She has wondered if he is gay, but honestly it seems like he's asexual or something. Trust me when I say that he's not leaving her for another woman. Now, she's quite convinced that he'll find someone to remarry because he's charming and interesting, and I think he likes the companionship of women UNTIL they call him on his crap. He was married and divorced twice before meeting my friend. But there isn't someone waiting in the wings.

 

As far as her church, I visited it once when I was visiting her family (she lives out of state from me), and I think it's a doctrinally sound church. Her marriage therapist is a member there, and he has been incredibly supportive. He basically told her, "You'll know when it's time to give up hope." IOW, he didn't say to leave or to stay, just that he knew as she sought the Lord, she would know when it was time.

 

The pastor's wife seems to really like my friend, but they all loved my friend and her husband as a *couple*, iykwim. So with the marriage dissolving it's a blow to the whole congregation. Now, I know my friend has shared with the pastor and his wife, and a couple of the elders know, but the husband has left the church so they don't get to hear his side. What this means, I think, is that they have to trust that what my friend is saying is completely accurate. I don't think they doubt her, but they haven't seen it unraveling in front of them since her @sshole husband isn't attending anymore. Does this make sense? So essentially, they're supportive of my friend to the extent that they know they're only hearing her side of the story, which I think makes them a little hesitant to jump in completely on her side.

 

I don't think my friend is feeling a lack of support from her church, and she's plugged in to the community pretty well. The tough thing is the homeschool community because she feels like such a black sheep. Nobody makes her feel this way, it's just the reality that she's an anomaly now.

 

But support is sort of beside the point. I was mainly trying to gauge Biblical permission.

 

She asked me a month ago if she thought she was doing the right thing. I had previously urged her to take the process very slowly and just stay separated. But then things got worse with @sshole and it was clear he wasn't going to change (for the better, at least). So when she asked me recently if I thought she was doing the right thing, I told her yes, that there didn't seem to be another option UNLESS she could remain separated and not mentally collapse. This would possibly give him time to repent. She said she couldn't and for financial reasons she needed to act. I don't know all the legalities of this, but I think she's right about that part. Bottom line, she's been mentally tortured for the last couple of years and she simply couldn't put one foot in front of the other and still remain married to @sshole.

 

So, my whole family got behind her and her kids, and we've been their support system long-distance. She and I are very close and we speak almost everyday. The reason this is resurfacing for me is because she spoke her her husband a few days ago and again begged him to come back to her and said she would stop the whole process if he would (within her boundaries, of course.) Again, he told her she'd be crazy to think he would want anything to do with her. Disgusting brute. Can you tell how much I dislike him? So, it seems to me like she's given him ample chances and he's not interested. BUT, she initiated separation and divorce, he didn't. So that's where the question comes in.

 

I think the answers many of you have provided have been very helpful for me. I want to help her and her kids and I want to know in my spirit that she's doing what God is leading her to do.

 

 

 

[Rubix]

This sounds SO much like my "marriage". We've lived separately for about 20 months and no progress, though he says he wants things to be better. I really need to make that trip to my lawyer... but it is really hard! Big hugs to your friend because I truly get it, down to the questions of whether it is biblical, as I've been told it is not and that I should never remarry. Which is hard when you are 31 and would love more children within a healthy relationship. I know I need to make those decisions based on my own heart and convictions but it is hard to hear from a friend who hasn't been through this.

[Guest]

 

BUT, she initiated separation and divorce, he didn't. So that's where the question comes in.

 

 

 

The marriage is over.  She has been abandoned.  He has broken and continues to break his vows (love, honor cherish, anyone?).

 

Separation and divorce are the unwinding of the legal contract.  

 

She might need time after the legal bonds reflect reality to get her head on straight and to deal with the spiritual aspects, as to whether and/or when she can/should remarry.  But in a spiritual and personal sense, she is no longer in a MARRIAGE.  She and the marriage have been abandoned--and worse--despised.  Separation and divorce reflect that reality in the secular and legal realm.  

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited August 16, 2016 by ~ d9n