Being a better wife...prepping lunches, encouraging and making sure he has what he needs

[zoobie]

I agree, LucyStoner. For me, it's purely an attitude/mindset issue. There are many traditional roles I fill because I'm the one home, and it makes more sense. When I'm doing things that make me feel like I'm stuck doing them because he would not otherwise, that puts me in the grumble grumble I'm not your mother/maid mood. A friend's DH never does laundry or dishes. He will complain about not having clean whatever, but he won't throw a load on and solve his own problem. He just complains. I think the terminology "take care of your man" can be very loaded. It brings up issues here because I'm not always thrilled to be June Cleaver. Hard to express typing with my thumb on a phone on the interwebs.

[LucyStoner]

I don't think it was about the division of labor. We have a very traditional division of labor, too, because my DH works more hours than I do, so it only makes sense that I do more housework.

I think the issue was not about packing lunch per se or picking up underwear when shopping, but in how to view these actions. It starts with the title : "Being a better wife" and continues with phrases like "about putting my care of the kids over my care of my man".

 

It would not occur to me to view a sensible division of labor as "being a better wife" or "taking care of my man". This sounds so patronizing. I may enjoy doing things for him, I may find it sensible to do certain tasks while he does others, but I don't "take care of my man".

ETA: And I just asked my DH how he feels about this phrase: he finds it patronizing.

I think we agree here. That said, if people do frame it as "being a better wife" its not my business unless it was my husband saying it (presumably only possible after sustaining some sort of personality transplant). Edited May 2, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Guest]

I think a huge reason I do things for dh is that I know he appreciates it. He never fails to tell me thank you for things I do. He tells others he appreciates me. We have the same employer but I work from home. The guys there have issues at home and tease when I go in, that I need to stop being good to dh because they have to hear about it. It makes me more apt to want to do things when I know he doesn't take it for granted.

[Lori D.]

Just my thought: you'll get the most "bang for your buck" out of your time/effort investment by determining what your DH's love language is and spending your time/energy there. If you end up doing what is lowest on his love language list of what "fills his emotional love tank", it won't really make him feel encouraged, and you'll just feel frustrated at your extra efforts that are not causing him to feel loved and encouraged.

 

Love languages, in no particular order:

 

- gifts

physical reminders that you are thinking of the other person and cared to buy, or make, or do something to give them something they can have; a tangible object that reminds you of something unique and special about the other person that you can give them as a reminder that you see them as unique and special (could be something expensive that the person has been wanting, but often something inexpensive -- a favorite candy or snack, or silly plastic object that connects with something significance or special about that person -- or even something free, like making an origami heart and leaving it for the person to find

 

- words of affirmation

written or spoke words that acknowledge the other person, build the other person up, compliment, or actively encourage, or express your love and appreciation for the other person, leaving a note or card on a pillow, or in a lunchbox, even drawing a heart in lipstick on the bathroom mirror; texting a love message or joke or sweet nothing during the day, saying thank you and regularly verbalizing what you find special and attractive about the other person...

 

- physical touch

not just the intimate bedroom time (although, yea, make sure there's plenty of that ;) ), but hugs, pats, holding hands, a light touch of arm, shoulder of face, a quick kiss as you pass in the hall -- all of these things reaffirm the person that you are aware of them and like to be near them; a head or foot rub while watching a movie is heavenly; or a massage is very nice...

 

- quality time

undivided attention, without distractions, listening to and being with the other person; dinner out, but also a walk around the block, a regular weekend hike or drive in the car, just the two of you, or curl up on the couch together for the evening with a glass of wine or a favorite snack, and just chat, or let them lay their head in your lap (or your head in their lap) or on your chest and listen to each other's hearts beat...

 

- acts of service

doing chores for the other person, easing the burden of responsibility, coming alongside and helping with a job, thinking to do something for the other person that the other person normally does

 

 

ETA

Original Poster: Not trying to put down your desire to plan special date nights with your DH, but I just know from my own experience of trying to do this for my DH when our DSs were younger that DH is a huge *introvert*, and work was exhausting for him -- going out on a date was even more exhausting for him. What was much more loving and meaningful for him was when I stopped the "going out" kinds of date nights, and worked to find ways of setting up an evening out for DSs -- with friends or youth group or whatever -- and then planning a special, quiet dinner and quality time for DH, which is something he prized and felt loved by me doing. Or sometimes me taking DSs out for a Saturday afternoon and leaving DH home alone so he could recharge was one of the most loving/encouraging things I could do for DH.

 

It all comes down to knowing your spouse and what would be most loving and encouraging for *him*. :)

Edited May 2, 2016 by Lori D.

[LucyStoner]

I agree, LucyStoner. For me, it's purely an attitude/mindset issue. There are many traditional roles I fill because I'm the one home, and it makes more sense. When I'm doing things that make me feel like I'm stuck doing them because he would not otherwise, that puts me in the grumble grumble I'm not your mother/maid mood. A friend's DH never does laundry or dishes. He will complain about not having clean whatever, but he won't throw a load on and solve his own problem. He just complains. I think the terminology "take care of your man" can be very loaded. It brings up issues here because I'm not always thrilled to be June Cleaver. Hard to express typing with my thumb on a phone on the interwebs.

I agree wholeheartedly. My husband is not really a complainer. If he were, one of us would be losing an eye. I don't do that nonsense. As it is, his one thing in this area that does get under my skin is that he ferrets away his dirty clothes at times, either on his re wear hooks or maybe in his closet and then he will wonder where his clean stuff is and I'm like dude, you want it washed it needs to land in the hamper or I don't even know you have dirty laundry because it's not like I count pairs of socks. Usually I laugh it off. He's usually baffled (like uh, where are my clothes) and never accusatory about it. I chalk it up to ADD but no, I'm not going on a treasure hunt for his laundry. Basket or you are on your own until I do it again.

 

This suburban housewife gig has some perks but it was not in the plan. I too manage some ambivalence about it. I try to inject interesting things into my life and take better care of myself than I could were working FT. Sometimes though, when I see a classmate had published a book or another is short listed for a state legislature vacancy I'm like, how pray tell, did this come to pass for me?!

[heartlikealion]

black undershirts instead of white? My dh won't wear "undershirts." He insists on wearing his normal t-shirts under his dress shirts. And they are all dark.

 

This topic is amusing to me since I just got mad about ironing today. Dh did something rude and I told him to iron his own shirt. Then he said he was going to show up a wrinkled mess and that people were going to ask why his wife didn't iron his shirt. What planet are we on? Would people actually do that... point a finger at me when a grown man wears a wrinkled shirt? That's his problem, not mine... I would think. But yeah, who knows, society might point the finger at me. I did end up ironing the shirt, but I also ironed all my own when I was the one working outside the home.

 

Food - for snacks dh buys those packs with almonds, carrots and cheese.

 

I've offered to pack lunches, but he usually just comes home to eat. Sometimes I've made something and sometimes he just throws something together. I would like to get more on top of the meal organization though. Today I boiled eggs so that tomorrow I can use them in tuna salad. I could eat it with or without eggs, but he really likes it with the egg.

 

Dh and I don't share the same love language. Sometimes I have to be mindful of the fact that little tasks may mean a lot to him. So just find out which things mean a lot to yours.

[creekland]

Just my thought: you'll get the most "bang for your buck" out of your time/effort investment by determining what your DH's love language is and spending your time/energy there. 

 

I think being willing to learn about love languages - then being willing to learn to speak your spouse's love language - is the ultimate best form of love ever.

 

Hubby's are words and touch (pretty equal with them).

 

Mine is time.

 

We've meshed the two together to form our solid loving partnership.  It doesn't matter who does dishes or laundry.

 

Part of the YMMV in my post comes from many of us (and our spouses) speaking different love languages.

 

The worst problems I've seen in marriages are where one spouse expects/demands the other to only converse in "their" language.  Their spouse's language is "silly" (or similar).  That's where it turns from a marriage partnership to a parenting situation (mothering or fathering) and that's where resentment comes in and builds.

[BlsdMama]

I'm feeling greatly convicted about putting my care of the kids over my care of my man.

 

It's not intentional, but it is my lack of intentionality that's the problem.

 

I just meet the loudest need, and his are much quieter than the kids' though no less important.

 

So some areas I need to step it up in are private and not things ladies discuss on a public forum ;)

but some I can use some housewife advice on...

 

 

I know he's said a couple times about his t-shirts and regular shirts having a dingy collar, bleach isn't doing it.

Throw them out more often or is it a laundry issue?  I bought new ones, but they quickly get armpit and collar stains...

 

I'd also like to have his lunch made - he's on a diet and lunch is very tough for him to reign in.  Have a manly, efficient lunchbox to recommend?  He's in a business district, not a construction site if that helps.

 

Date suggestions that don't involve food?

 

And finally, what are some ways you encourage your dude?

 

edited cuz...

 

 

Leave it to us to make a mountain out of a molehill.  If you have something lovely and encouraging to add, add it.  If you just want your unasked for opinions to be heard, start a s/o thread.  

I think it is very easy for spouses to spend so much energy and attentiveness on children that we just aren't as intentional and purposeful towards doing thoughtful things for our spouse.  I think that intentionalism is sweet and considerate and just because these happen to be the things she came up with that she thought HER husband would appreciate doesn't in anyway insult anyone's womanhood.  Sigh.  I promise HER marriage won't set us all back sixty years.  

 

Laundry - I'm not that girl.  I had to switch to liquid Tide and that solves most of my issues.

Lunch - any meals help me to have a plan.  I make a menu then I shop to the menu.  I plan in leftovers but also intentionally plan in lunches and snacks.  DH uses a similar lunchbox to the linked one by Coleman.

 

Dates - we don't really get out that much unless trips to Lowes count?  Or remodeling the basement?  But we do make it a point to spend time together each morning.  We like to play boardgames together, the two of us.  But those are things WE enjoy.  So, essentially, what do ya'all like to do together? Do more.

 

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out the hubbub over encouragement.  WTHeck?  Who doesn't like to have their efforts recognized?  Words of encouragement really is a love language and you'll know if it's an important language to him if he speaks it.  Generally we speak the language the loudest that we think says, "Love" and that's generally the language we like it to come back to us.  If you haven't read that book, you might really enjoy it.

 

 

[Valley Girl]

Lunches: a nice note telling him you love him... leftovers some days, a favorite heat-n-eat meal the next, a tasty sandwich some other time with the goal being variety so that it's not the same old thing every day... a small treat that won't wreck the diet.

 

Encouragement: an email or text during the day... take a walk together after dinner (put the kids in a stroller if need be)... let the kids play in the yard while you sit on the back porch with a beverage of choice and catch up on each other's day for 15 minutes...

 

Have you asked what he'd like?

[zoobie]

black undershirts instead of white? My dh won't wear "undershirts." He insists on wearing his normal t-shirts under his dress shirts. And they are all dark.

 

This topic is amusing to me since I just got mad about ironing today. Dh did something rude and I told him to iron his own shirt. Then he said he was going to show up a wrinkled mess and that people were going to ask why his wife didn't iron his shirt. What planet are we on? Would people actually do that... point a finger at me when a grown man wears a wrinkled shirt? That's his problem, not mine... I would think. But yeah, who knows, society might point the finger at me. I did end up ironing the shirt, but I also ironed all my own when I was the one working outside the home.

 

Food - for snacks dh buys those packs with almonds, carrots and cheese.

 

I've offered to pack lunches, but he usually just comes home to eat. Sometimes I've made something and sometimes he just throws something together. I would like to get more on top of the meal organization though. Today I boiled eggs so that tomorrow I can use them in tuna salad. I could eat it with or without eggs, but he really likes it with the egg.

 

Dh and I don't share the same love language. Sometimes I have to be mindful of the fact that little tasks may mean a lot to him. So just find out which things mean a lot to yours.

I asked DH and he said the same thing I was thinking: if a guy showed up in a wrinkled shirt, nothing would be thought about his wife. First would be that he had been out all night and didn't change because he was too hungover.

[creekland]

I asked DH and he said the same thing I was thinking: if a guy showed up in a wrinkled shirt, nothing would be thought about his wife. First would be that he had been out all night and didn't change because he was too hungover.

 

I wasn't aware that people still ironed things on a regular basis.  I guess my circles have all gone to wrinkle-free options.  We (teachers) have a "school shirt" we wear once every two weeks and that isn't wrinkle free.  We just laugh about it.  We certainly don't iron it.  It's a t-shirt.  We do the best we can with it hanging it up when it comes out of the dryer.

[marbel]

Leave it to us to make a mountain out of a molehill

 

No kidding.  I wonder if instead of saying "taking care of her man," the OP had said "taking care of her marriage" the reaction would have been different.

 

OP, I pack my husband's lunch.  We got the bag at Costco but I can't find a picture of it online. We have also gotten bags from Walmart, their store brand of camp gear; can't remember the name right now.   I see soft-sided insulated lunch bags in muted colors in other stores, such as Target.

 

For date nights - well, we don't call them that. We just try to do things together without the kids sometimes.  It should be easier now that they are older and don't need babysitters, but we are all so busy it can be difficult.  We got out for cocktails or dinner, or go walking, or just hang out together at home. 

 

As for encouragement - we thank each other for the things we do.  He thanks me for packing his lunch.  He's capable of doing it but it is much easier for me, since I buy the food and know what we have.   He thanks me for doing laundry and for picking up clothing when he needs it, if it's something I can buy on my own, like u/w or shirts.  He thanks me for cooking dinner.  I thank him for going to work and for doing all the other things he does for me.  Neither of us feels parented by the other.   We are happy to take care of each other.   I am stunned that people find something wrong with that.

 

ETA: my husband irons his own shirts, because I do a lousy job. :-)  Not on purpose; I don't mind ironing but I seem not to be able to do men's shirts well.

Edited May 2, 2016 by marbel

[creekland]

I am stunned that people find something wrong with that.

 

:confused1:  I haven't seen anyone who has found something wrong with that.

 

I see many who are saying there are all sorts of different ways that can work and it all depends upon the individuals involved.  Many have offered what works - or doesn't - in our lives as suggestions of things to think about as the OP ponders what she wants to do.

 

There's no sense at all in wanting to do something noble and getting a personal script in mind of how it should be done, but that script isn't shared by the spouse.  That can literally make things worse, not better.

 

'Tis far better to want to do something and tailor it to fit.

[zoobie]

I wasn't aware that people still ironed things on a regular basis. I guess my circles have all gone to wrinkle-free options. We (teachers) have a "school shirt" we wear once every two weeks and that isn't wrinkle free. We just laugh about it. We certainly don't iron it. It's a t-shirt. We do the best we can with it hanging it up when it comes out of the dryer.

We're attorneys, so most do tend to be pressed. ;) Brooks Bros wrinkle free FTW. If we have anything that needs to be ironed (kids clothes that I've sewn and made a headache for myself), drying them for 10 mins then thwacking soundly and hanging up to dry the rest of the way tends to work better than letting them dry completely in the dryer. And Downy Wrinkle Release rocks.

[heartlikealion]

I wasn't aware that people still ironed things on a regular basis.  I guess my circles have all gone to wrinkle-free options.  We (teachers) have a "school shirt" we wear once every two weeks and that isn't wrinkle free.  We just laugh about it.  We certainly don't iron it.  It's a t-shirt.  We do the best we can with it hanging it up when it comes out of the dryer.

 

dh's shirts get hung up, never put in dryer so there isn't much getting around ironing. Scared to use dryer. In fact I can't even put his t-shirts in there (bad luck in past with shrinkage. Yes, I use low heat). He shops at Big & Tall stores and is hesitant to try new brands he hasn't tried on in person. His height is mostly torso so we don't like to risk shrinkage in shirts. Most "tall" ties are too short (he's broad, too so neck is wide) so he has to fudge length using tie clips. I do not like putting my own dress shirts in dryer either, actually. I really don't wear dress shirts these days, though.

 

A while back there was a suggested wrinkle-free link I showed him, but none of the shirts were his style. I don't know if it was Brooks Brothers, though.

 

Edited: I think they do have some of his size in BB and they are affiliated with one of the stores we go to. Maybe next time we go inside the store I can see what they have in stock in that brand.

 

Edited May 2, 2016 by heartlikealion

[marbel]

dh's shirts get hung up, never put in dryer so there isn't much getting around ironing. Scared to use dryer. In fact I can't even put his t-shirts in there (bad luck in past with shrinkage. Yes, I use low heat). He shops at Big & Tall stores and is hesitant to try new brands he hasn't tried on in person. His height is mostly torso so we don't like to risk shrinkage in shirts. Most "tall" ties are too short (he's broad, too so neck is wide) so he has to fudge length using tie clips. I do not like putting my own dress shirts in dryer either, actually. I really don't wear dress shirts these days, though.

 

A while back there was a suggested wrinkle-free link I showed him, but none of the shirts were his style. I don't know if it was Brooks Brothers, though.

 

Edited: I think they do have some of his size in BB and they are affiliated with one of the stores we go to. Maybe next time we go inside the store I can see what they have in stock in that brand.

 

Sounds like my husband - he wears an XL Tall.  He likes the dress shirts from Costco (Kirkland brand).  I put them in the dryer for just a few minutes, then take them out while still quite damp, hang them and smooth them out.  They don't need ironing for the first few years, but it seems that over time they are not as wrinkle-free.  I guess the coating or whatever is done to the shirts to make them wrinkle free wears off over time? 

[prairiewindmomma]

My tall dh also wears the Kirkland brand dress shirts.  I dry them through the full cycle.  They are less wrinkle free after about 80 or so washes (a year and a half of wear for us), but several of his shirts are 4 years old, and still looking great! At $20/shirt, I don't feel guilty replacing them after a few years.

[LucyStoner]

We're attorneys, so most do tend to be pressed. ;) Brooks Bros wrinkle free FTW. If we have anything that needs to be ironed (kids clothes that I've sewn and made a headache for myself), drying them for 10 mins then thwacking soundly and hanging up to dry the rest of the way tends to work better than letting them dry completely in the dryer. And Downy Wrinkle Release rocks.

Brooks Brothers wrinkle free is amazing. My husband snagged a few used in his exact size and man, I love those darn things.

[regentrude]

I wasn't aware that people still ironed things on a regular basis.  I guess my circles have all gone to wrinkle-free options.  We (teachers) have a "school shirt" we wear once every two weeks and that isn't wrinkle free.  We just laugh about it.  We certainly don't iron it.  It's a t-shirt.  We do the best we can with it hanging it up when it comes out of the dryer.

 

I iron. We like cotton, linen, hemp as fabrics. And I dry clothes on a clothesline.

Most of the wrinkle free shirts contain polyester, or you can feel the fabric treatment. Don't like.

 

ETA: Besides, I have issues with the chemicals used to treat the fabric. Formaldehyde, just so I don't have to iron? I don't think so.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/11/your-money/11wrinkle.html?_r=0

 

Edited May 2, 2016 by regentrude

[heartlikealion]

I iron. We like cotton, linen, hemp as fabrics. And I dry clothes on a clothesline.

Most of the wrinkle free shirts contain polyester, or you can feel the fabric treatment. Don't like.

 

ETA: Besides, I have issues with the chemicals used to treat the fabric. Formaldehyde, just so I don't have to iron? I don't think so.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/11/your-money/11wrinkle.html?_r=0

 

I didn't bring this up, but yes, that's one of the reasons I avoided many "easy care" "wrinkle free" products. Some days I care more than others. Apparently formaldehyde may be in our toilet paper and paper towels. Can't seem to win!

[heartlikealion]

Sounds like my husband - he wears an XL Tall.  He likes the dress shirts from Costco (Kirkland brand).  I put them in the dryer for just a few minutes, then take them out while still quite damp, hang them and smooth them out.  They don't need ironing for the first few years, but it seems that over time they are not as wrinkle-free.  I guess the coating or whatever is done to the shirts to make them wrinkle free wears off over time? 

 

My tall dh also wears the Kirkland brand dress shirts.  I dry them through the full cycle.  They are less wrinkle free after about 80 or so washes (a year and a half of wear for us), but several of his shirts are 4 years old, and still looking great! At $20/shirt, I don't feel guilty replacing them after a few years.

 

$20 for a dress shirt? I wish! We don't have a Costco (though they might build one). We belong to Sam's Club, but they don't sell anything like that. I think we need to check Kohl's. They always have coupons/sales and I noticed last time I was there that they have a B&T section. Usually shop at Casual Male XL.

[KungFuPanda]

Eddie Bauer has twinkle free shirts too. We're in dress-shirts-and-khakis land, so I'm not sure if they'd work for suits.

[Storygirl]

Eddie Bauer has twinkle free shirts too. We're in dress-shirts-and-khakis land, so I'm not sure if they'd work for suits.

 

That's good to know! DH doesn't want his shirts to twinkle (or wrinkle!). :laugh:

[happypamama]

I plan dinners so DH can take leftovers.

 

I think you need to figure out your DH's love language.  Different things speak to different people.  My husband feels loved when I'm in a good mood, but when I remember to buy the things that are specific to him, like his shampoo or his iced tea, when his laundry is done and put away, and when there's food.  Always food.  And teA -- anything else can be overlooked, and teA always makes him feel loved.

[KungFuPanda]

That's good to know! DH doesn't want his shirts to twinkle (or wrinkle!). :laugh:

Ha! I like it. I'm not editing. Only manly, twinkle-free shirts will do here. And by "manly" I mean at least a few years out of style. We don't trust that cutting edge stuff. We eed time to let it sink in for a few years and feel 'normal.'

[Arcadia]

We use rubbermaid containers for hubby's lunch. He likes asian food for lunch and the office cafeteria only has western style food which he doesn't eat. He doesn't like burgers or subways. So having home cook food for work lunch is what he ask for and it is easy for me as I just cook enough for four then reheat before my lunchtime.

 

Hubby is the laundry expert and so is my dad. He use dryer balls in the dryer. He has like 8 in there. His work shirts comes out nice enough to skip ironing. My dad use bleach for sweat stains (armpit and shirt collar) while my neighbors go by oxiclean.

 

My hubby loves window shopping so his idea of date is stroll the outlet malls.

 

The easiest way is to ask him what he would enjoy doing on a date.

[mumto2]

black undershirts instead of white? My dh won't wear "undershirts." He insists on wearing his normal t-shirts under his dress shirts. And they are all dark.

 

This topic is amusing to me since I just got mad about ironing today. Dh did something rude and I told him to iron his own shirt. Then he said he was going to show up a wrinkled mess and that people were going to ask why his wife didn't iron his shirt. What planet are we on? Would people actually do that... point a finger at me when a grown man wears a wrinkled shirt? That's his problem, not mine... I would think. But yeah, who knows, society might point the finger at me. I did end up ironing the shirt, but I also ironed all my own when I was the one working outside the home.

 

Food - for snacks dh buys those packs with almonds, carrots and cheese.

 

I've offered to pack lunches, but he usually just comes home to eat. Sometimes I've made something and sometimes he just throws something together. I would like to get more on top of the meal organization though. Today I boiled eggs so that tomorrow I can use them in tuna salad. I could eat it with or without eggs, but he really likes it with the egg.

 

Dh and I don't share the same love language. Sometimes I have to be mindful of the fact that little tasks may mean a lot to him. So just find out which things mean a lot to yours.

Laundry part made me laugh. I am very careful with my clothing that might require ironing and expect my family to be the same. I will carefully hand wash (if needed) if it means no iron. I manage not to iron most of the time. I hate to iron and am not great at it.

 

When we first got married one of my first laundry decisions was for his dress shirts to go to the laundry with my dry cleaning. I took charge because I actually do care. Items like his khaki type trousers were carefully hung up damp to dry normally and honestly looked just fine, he was impressed not to have starch actually. Then he told me to start drying his old ones in the dryer because it was easier for me. He didn't mind wrinkles for yard work etc......well we stopped by his mom's one day. She threw a fit and made him take his trousers off and ironed them.... dh kept saying he was going to mow the lawn and clean the garage. The woman even starched jeans....which is why dh hates jeans!

Edited May 3, 2016 by mumto2

[umsami]

One thing the OP might want to figure out is what is her husband's love language (and what is her own)?  There's a free quiz here:   http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

 

I also think it helps to look at what expectations you bring to the marriage.

 

My husband came from a very traditional culture where many wives are like second mothers for lack of a better word.  Men often move from their parent's home to their marital home.  In many homes, women/girls cook and men are like kings.  It was very strange for a man (or woman) to have ever lived on their own.  Even for college, if possible, many people live at home or with relatives.  On the other hand, I left for college at 17 and basically never came back. 

 

His Mom and Dad were both professors, but both the culture and her personal preference stated that she would still do all of the cooking, etc.  Many families would have a maid, but she wasn't comfortable with that. 

 

My Mom worked on her own schedule as a psychologist, investor, photographer, and dance instructor when I was growing up.  She didn't have a full-time job, but she rarely cooked or cleaned.  I don't think she ever packed my Dad lunch a day in his life, nor would he want her to.  My Dad was a physician, but he was more likely to do the dishes than my Mom.  He did and still does his own laundry, but she would drop off the dry cleaning.  That's what worked for them.

 

I've packed DH lunch and he is very appreciative of the times when I've done it because he doesn't like to take the time to go out and eat.  Do I do it every day? Nope....but I know he wish I would.  If I don't, and he has time, he packs his own.  For him, though, a packed lunch was a sign that I appreciate his hard work in supporting the family.  For me, it was just something nice to do when I had time because I was making three or four other packed lunches.

 

As for laundry, DH prefers colored undershirts and underwear which seem to be easier to wash/keep clean.  His favorite brand is an Egyptian brand, but when he can't get that, he goes for Hanes.  We use Tide and add in Oxyclean if necessary (or Clorox when doing whites). 

 

We've had good luck with Land's End wrinkle free shirts.  DH does all of the ironing.  He's too exact about it to let anybody else do it.  I can iron a closet worth of clothes in the time it takes him to do one or two shirts.

Edited May 3, 2016 by umsami

[KungFuPanda]

Ha! My iron was broken for a year and nobody noticed. I finally replaced it so that I could do a sewing project :-)

[sunflowerlady]

I think it is great that you are thinking of ways to bless your husband. :001_smile:  

 

Honestly, I am super non picky about laundry and so is my dh, so I am no real help there. 

 

Not sure about what his diet is, but planning ahead and making sure you purchase the foods needed is important. Also, preparing them right after dinner and sticking them in the fridge should suffice.

 

Dates- we usually go out for dinner/drinks. Non food dates could be going together to local events or walking around seeing the sights in town. Maybe outdoor flea marked type places this time of year.

 

When my dd was younger, we always kept a strict 8:30 bedtime for her. When she became a preteen/teen she just had to go in her room but was not required to go to sleep that early. It gave dh and me a couple of hours to hang out together alone and watch TV. 

[momee]

For clarification - and hoping it will not start a kerfluffle.  

 

I know what makes him happy.  I know his love language.  It is not acts of service but thank you for the encouragement to read it.  I have a couple years ago.

 

 I realize these things are probably unwanted or even silly to your husbands, but they're important to mine.  I asked those particular questions because those particular areas were ones I was looking for advice in.  

 

I truly and still do not in any way mean any offense.  I cannot however, let this go without stating my feelings.  I'm sure they are very different than a few of your marriages but this was my post so I got to ask the questions :)  

 

I just want to say I' am a "June Cleaver" I guess.  I love serving him, making him happy through the little ways I can bless him throughout the day.  I made a batch of vegan wraps this afternoon (took three hours) that I can freeze and have at the ready for him when he wants to take a lunch. I spend hours ironing his work shirts and pray for him all the while.  None of this compares to the hours he puts in so we can eat, live in our home, do all we do.  I appreciate so much his sacrifice of getting up and going to work every day so I can stay home and educate our kids.  It is a sacrifice for him and I am thankful for years of his serving all of us in this capacity.

 

I was just trying to get some support from other mom's in the trenches of dealing with the tyranny of the urgent and at the same time, improve my already AWESOME marriage.

Thanks for letting me state my backstory.  

[texasmama]

I think your attitude and efforts to support your husband are wonderful.  Your love and support of him shine through your post.

 

There is nothing wrong with choosing to be "June Cleaver" if that is what makes you happy and works for your marriage.  I'm more of a homemaker/homeschooler currently, as well, and that works well for our family.

[Shellydon]

I take all of DH shirts to the cleaners to be pressed.  Totally worth the money.   

[Liza Q]

I want to 2nd-3rd the Love Language concept. And really give it some thought. For example. my husband really appreciates acts of service...but not in all ways. He loves it - and feels loved - when I keep up with the laundry so he doesn't have to ever run out of anything, but he does not want me to buy his clothing.  He appreciates when I have good food available but he does not want to be served food - he wants to be free to choose what/how much/when he eats. He would not appreciate it if I were to make him lunch to bring to work, but he feels loved when he is home and I offer to make him lunch. I think he likes the offer more than the action, as it just shows I am thinking of him.

 

iow, the better you know your husband, the easier it is to make sure he feels loved and appreciated. When we are in the trenches with small children it can be easy to feel like our marriages are low on our list of priorities. Remembering that you are a wife as well as a Mom is a good, good thing. So choose carefully to get the most bang out of anything special you do for him.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Liza Q

[Vida Winter]

I make breakfast burritos and freeze them. They are tasty and convenient, but sort of a large project to prepare. My husband appreciates it a great deal.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I truly and still do not in any way mean any offense.  I cannot however, let this go without stating my feelings.  I'm sure they are very different than a few of your marriages but this was my post so I got to ask the questions :)

 

<snip>

 

You shouldn't need to worry about giving offense.  It is good to want to show love and encouragement to your spouse!  What could be offensive about that?!  :-)

[JFSinIL]

DH has always made his own lunch, brown-bagging  (well, plastic newspaper bagging) it to the office everyday (he is a lawyer).  Since I am the chief shopper/cook here, I do make sure that there is lunch meat, fruits and veggies for his lunch.   He either makes a sandwich or takes leftovers (unless I have told him I hope to get another meal out of them).  I make sure we are stocked with his fav yogurt, berries, granola, Canadian bacon, etc. as he makes his own b'fast, too.  And that is that.

Edited May 4, 2016 by JFSinIL

[heartlikealion]

You guys, one of dh's shirts ripped today. I couldn't help but think of this thread and the cost of shirts lol. Poor guy ended up rolling his sleeves up the rest of the day. I said at least the rip was in the arm. It got snagged on something at work. I found some comfort in knowing I got that one on sale, but still it was $30. When he told me he really liked the shirt I thought, "wish you had been that enthusiastic when I gave it to you" :lol:

 

Laundry part made me laugh. I am very careful with my clothing that might require ironing and expect my family to be the same. I will carefully hand wash (if needed) if it means no iron. I manage not to iron most of the time. I hate to iron and am not great at it.

When we first got married one of my first laundry decisions was for his dress shirts to go to the laundry with my dry cleaning. I took charge because I actually do care. Items like his khaki type trousers were carefully hung up damp to dry normally and honestly looked just fine, he was impressed not to have starch actually. Then he told me to start drying his old ones in the dryer because it was easier for me. He didn't mind wrinkles for yard work etc......well we stopped by his mom's one day. She threw a fit and made him take his trousers off and ironed them.... dh kept saying he was going to mow the lawn and clean the garage. The woman even starched jeans....which is why dh hates jeans!

 

Hand washing is a worse chore to me than ironing. And driving to/from a cleaners that is literally at least like half an hour away is really impractical for us. Plus, spending the money on the service + gas just wouldn't be worth it to me. Not sure about the dry cleaning chemicals on a regular basis, either. I don't take anything to the cleaners currently but since you do that makes sense.

 

Starch ugh. Dh lets me throw his khakis in the dryer. I told him to remove them from the dryer while the kids and I were out on a walk this morning, but I think it went in one ear and out the other because he wore a different pair of pants. Now the ones from the dryer are probably more wrinkled than they would have been had they been removed promptly. Eh.

[Ravin]

I'm feeling greatly convicted about putting my care of the kids over my care of my man.

 

It's not intentional, but it is my lack of intentionality that's the problem.

 

I just meet the loudest need, and his are much quieter than the kids' though no less important.

 

So some areas I need to step it up in are private and not things ladies discuss on a public forum ;)

but some I can use some housewife advice on...

 

 

I know he's said a couple times about his t-shirts and regular shirts having a dingy collar, bleach isn't doing it.

Throw them out more often or is it a laundry issue?  I bought new ones, but they quickly get armpit and collar stains...

 

I'd also like to have his lunch made - he's on a diet and lunch is very tough for him to reign in.  Have a manly, efficient lunchbox to recommend?  He's in a business district, not a construction site if that helps.

 

Date suggestions that don't involve food?

 

And finally, what are some ways you encourage your dude?

 

edited cuz...

 

 

Your husband, unlike your children, is a grown man, not one of your dependents.

 

As far as laundry, if he's going to complain, he should probably do it himself. But, since it's your concern, bleach could well be the problem. Try oxy-clean to boost the laundry detergent or washing them in Simple Green.

 

I find it easy to reign in lunch by packing it. Salad today, salad tomorrow...I find less to complain about when I inflict it on myself.

 

As far as encouraging my dude, I usually ask him how his week/day was, commisserate with any complaints, and encourage him in his efforts (which at present are school and looking after the kids during the week). I also compliment his cooking often (he does the cooking, not me).

[Tsuga]

Way TMI but honestly, in my experience, expressing my desire for (and making sure I have a desire for) my partner really makes a huge difference. When he feels desired sexually, he feels loved. I have had two partners in life and they are very different but the whole "Wow, she loves me and wants me and put on special underwear" seems to really make up for all kinds of things.

 

Not saying don't make a lunch for him if you're making lunches already, but making sure he knows he's desirable and that he's the one you desire is in my book priority number one.

 

A nice hot dinner after work if you're home and the one who makes dinner, and then pretty underwear in the evenings, is in my opinion the most important thing you can do. Beyond that, it's all a bonus and he's a grown up and can take care of his own life stuff.

 

But for the marriage, yes, you "take care of" one another and love and desire and letting them feel your desire is important.

 

Good luck! Old Navy actually has some really cute, simple, sexy but not ridiculous and not uncomfortable, lingerie that you can try. "I just want to let you know how important you are to me and how much I miss you when you're gone."

 

I wouldn't say it if it weren't true, and he knows it. That's why it melts his heart.

[lisabees]

OP - I also love to take care of My Man.  And I am a liberal feminist.  There is no point in explaining my specific situation, as everyone is married to a unique person with unique needs in a unique situation.

 

I leave notes in dh's lunch that I lovingly pack for him every day.  We go on walks, hand in hand, almost daily.  This is when he tells me details about his work day. We have alone time every morning, as he makes my espressos and I pack his lunch.  He calls it his favorite time of day.  We text each other throughout the day - I try to remember meetings etc that may be worried/excited about and throw in some occasional sexting.  We kiss when we walk in and out of the door and look into each other's eyes as we do so.  We touch each other as the other walks by.  I thank him every day for something and mean it.  This isn't intentional - it is natural.  We have shows that we watch together, without kids.  We have a bedroom door that get locked every night and we go to bed before the kids do.  I love, love, love to cook, so he gets a dang good meal every night.  I am totally attracted to my dh, and I tell him and show him so.  Frequent and lengthy body rubs are enjoyed around here.

 

Full disclosure: I was previously married to someone for 23 years, but I never had a partner.  Never before did I realize that the true joy in love was wanting to take care of that person.  Now, I have a man who takes care of me as much as I take care of him, even if it is swayed in stereotypical roles (I stay at home).  As intentional as we are about being good to each other, it is very natural for our personalities.  If the dryer beeps, he takes the laundry out.  If I am chopping when he comes in the door, he asks how he can help.  If I making the bed, he comes over to help me.  Maybe we speak the same love language?  I have heard about that, but I am not familiar with the specifics.

 

Edited May 4, 2016 by lisabees

[Bluegoat]

My dh's lunch bag is actually a bag with a velcro top, it's somewhat insulated.  I do try and make him lunch.  Most days I am up a little earlier anyway, and he has a hard time in teh mornings, so I don't mind doing this for him.  I tend to do leftovers though he prefers sandwiches so I have been trying to remember to get some things to make them.  I usually add an apple or banana and he gets a drink at work. (On days I am not up it is because I don't have to work and I let him get his own lunch.  Those are my days off and I don't get many.)

 

As far as fun non-food things: bowling, going to see a band at a pub, roller skating, canoeing.  In summer we like to go to agricultural fairs or public gardens or other historic places that are a little drive.

[Bluegoat]

I think calling the OP out as if her husband is acting like a child is really unfair.

 

There are different ways to split home work, but when one person is at home it can absolutly be fair for that person to take on particular jobs, and it's also possible to be doing a poor job of it and want to improve.

 

I am super-bad at laundry, but it makes the most sense for me to take care of it.  I'm home, I have the change to hang it out in the day.  My dh has a FT job, he is working on a degree, is taking a French course for promotion, and is a warden at our church.

 

I do feel guilty at times that he ends up doing the laundry or goes to work wrinkly because I didn't bother to fold things in time to avoid it.  He, being kind, accepts it and helps out when it starts to bother him.  But honestly the only reason I avoid it is because it is part of my job that I hate.

[marbel]

Throwing this into the thread because I think this is what people have a problem with. When roles are mutually and equally respected, then how you decide to split them up is completely up to you. It's one thing to want to be a better wife or husband on your own and ask, but a whole 'nother thing to have your spouse tell you how things should be done. KWIM?

 

 

<snip>

 

Sure, but did the OP say her husband was telling her how things should be done?  Unless I missed something, the closest he came to that was commenting that his shirts weren't getting clean.  I dunno, that seems reasonable, since she does the laundry.

 

So I don't see how her husband is showing disrespect for her, and thus don't think the comments about the OP "parenting" her husband (and others critical of her/her husband) are appropriate. 

 

[Tsuga]

My partner washes his OWN shirts and irons his OWN shirts and he still complains to me that he can't find a good tee-shirt. I told him maybe stop wearing such crusty making deodorant but he said it's all crusty making or it doesn't work. 'The crusty making is exactly what attacks the smell. It might even be a physical barrier effect, like the smell actually cannot escape.'

 

We decided the solution was MOAR OXYCLEAN and a dash of vinegar to boot.

 

I also empathize with caring for your partner. I think it's a semantics issue. I care for my man, I take care of him, and he takes care of me, his woman. But we don't mean like children. Like lovers.

[Bluegoat]

My partner washes his OWN shirts and irons his OWN shirts and he still complains to me that he can't find a good tee-shirt. I told him maybe stop wearing such crusty making deodorant but he said it's all crusty making or it doesn't work. 'The crusty making is exactly what attacks the smell. It might even be a physical barrier effect, like the smell actually cannot escape.'

 

We decided the solution was MOAR OXYCLEAN and a dash of vinegar to boot.

 

I also empathize with caring for your partner. I think it's a semantics issue. I care for my man, I take care of him, and he takes care of me, his woman. But we don't mean like children. Like lovers.

 

Now I am feeling all Tammy Wynette.

 

I think it's nice to have someone take care of you, even as an adult.  Not all the time in every way, but sometimes in some ways.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I also empathize with caring for your partner. I think it's a semantics issue. I care for my man, I take care of him, and he takes care of me, his woman. But we don't mean like children. Like lovers.

 

Coincidentally, my daughter and I listened to the Pretenders song "Message of Love" today, which contains the lines:

 

Now the reason we're here

As man and woman

Is to love each other

Take care of each other

 

:lol: :lol:

 

(She was checking an Oscar Wilde quote for an art project and I remembered it was in this song.  Rabbit trails with teenagers are the best. :coolgleamA: ) 

 

Chrissie Hynde, subservient wife?  Doubt it.  :leaving:

 

But who knows, maybe she meant it ironically.   :cool:

 

 

[hepatica]

I am totally not wading into the relationship question. How two adults define their relationship is their own business! But, with regard to the shirt stains....

 

Don't use bleach!

 

Bleach reacts with the proteins in sweat, making the stains darker (this would apply to sheets and towels as well). So, that is why you can't get the stains out. Try one of the many alternatives listed in this thread (tide or hydrogen peroxide/oxyclean or baking soda and vinegar).

[momee]

I'm gonna pass on commenting on the other issues raised in this thread :) but I did want to update...

 

 

As to the dirty shirts - I may have it solved.  I went to a cleaning supply store a few days ago and the manager said the chlorine in the bleach is reacting with the iron in our water.

 

It's a matter of well water and chlorine bleach reacting with the sweat stains already in the fabric.  I've noticed our white towels have it too.

I'll try some non-chlorine bleach and oxyclean instead of the other bleach we've been using.

 

 

Edited May 5, 2016 by momee

[Audrey]

Give a man a fish. He eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish. He eats for a lifetime.

 

I believe we do people no favours by enabling them.  Being a good wife means letting a person learn and grow and be the independent individual they need to be in order to survive without you.  There are no guarantees in life and I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow.  The thought that my husband could sit there tomorrow not having a freakin' clue what or how fix his own lunch would mean that I'd been a pretty bad wife and an even worse partner in life.  So, I let him make his own lunch, wash his own laundry, clean house and all that stuff.  When I'm dust, he can sweep me up properly and go on living a relatively clean, well-fed life on his own when/if he has to do so.