DawnM Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 (edited) UGH. I am organizing (again) a social event. This time it is a dinner where I need to make reservations. I have asked that people please make a commitment so I can reserve the right amount of seats at the restaurant. I STILL have 3 full families responding with, "Not sure, we will know more on the day of the dinner." However, even with that, they often just don't show up. I don't want to be rude and say, "commit or you won't have a seat". This is a casual get together, but I also hate having the restaurant place tables for 8 people who may not even show up. Do restaurants expect this or do they get really irritated? Dawn PS: I do know I can get obsessive over things too much. Edited March 21, 2016 by DawnM 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Shoot, you're nicer than I am. I would ask for an RSVP and then give a date to respond by, saying no reservations will be accepted after that date. I think it would depend on the restaurant as to how they feel about empty seats. At the restaurant where both of my daughters worked, they had to pull tables together for large parties. Each server is assigned a certain section of tables. If there are empty tables, that's business slipping out of their fingers. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you go during a time when the restaurant doesn't have a wait for tables, then the open tables wouldn't be so bad. I hope that makes sense. I haven't had coffee yet. :) 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I agree with Beth. If it's a busy restaurant (or just a busy time), it will be hard on them to have empty seats they can't fill. But I've also been in restaurants where they gave us a big table and half was left unfilled - if it bothered anyone, they didn't show it. There were plenty of empty tables for people coming in. I get you on the frustration, though. Can you tell the noncommitals that you have to let the restaurant know? When we receive an invitation and are not sure we can attend, I usually just say no, though if it's a good friend I'll ask if I can change my mind at the last minute if our other commitment falls through. With a casual friendship (or business-type friendship) I don't take the chance and just say we're not available, even if it turns out we might be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Yeah I'd just say you need to tell me by X date/time and be done. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 (edited) It is rude to the server who is expecting a large party to have a bunch not show up. As Nightelf said, that is money out of their pocket. With my dh's illness we often do not know until day of if he will feel up to going so we try not to participate in events that require a reservation. I have no patience for can't commit. It screams, I am waiting to see if I am going to get a better offer. Even though that may not be the case it feels that way. Edited March 21, 2016 by kewb 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I would email them and say, "sorry I need hard numbers this time for the reservation so I can't include you. If you are interested , you can call the restaurant and request that your family is added to our group. Have a nice day!" 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I always do- reply by X date or you will be marked a no- sorry no exceptions. People that can't say yes or no annoy me to no end 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 I am organizing a beach trip and I booked the condo for 5 people. Three more hit me up AFTER the deadline to say they wanted to go. ARGH!!!!! We had already booked the place. If I had known, we could have gotten a 4 bedroom. As it is, we are stuck with a 3 bedroom and will have to take an air mattress unless someone is wiling to share a double bed. One still hasn't paid (deadline was 3 weeks ago.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalmia Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 After organizing my high school reunion and being the person in charge of reservations and payment, I will a) never do that again and b) advise my replacement that NO ONE gets on the list until you have a check in hand. I am not kidding, at one point ten days in advance of the event (they had seven months notice) I had 50 people waffling. Plus or minus 50 (or more because of spouses) was not a number our caterers could handle! I should have expected this though, it was kind of a hippy dippy, do your own thing, toking smoking, groovy school though... too many free spirits to be counted, man. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 We had trouble like this at a family reunion in the past. The best solution I have come up with is for some groups, it is better to have events where things can be flexible. Most events can handle a few people who can't predict their availability, but for others go where you won't need a reservation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I STILL have 3 full families responding with, "Not sure, we will know more on the day of the dinner." However, even with that, they often just don't show up. It seems like a thing lately that people just "wait and see" how they feel, what comes up, if something better comes along, yada yada. To me that says, "I don't care enough about your event to make a plan to just be there." I realize some people do have situations that are unpredictable. If that is the case, they SAY "I am waiting to hear about such and such, and I unfortunately won't know until day-of..." In my experience, that is not the case and the above is the case. It is becoming more common to just "wait and see". I consider it a lack of respect and am losing patience for it. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 People don't commit because you let them come when they didn't. Set a drop-dead date and stick to it. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 People don't commit because you let them come when they didn't. Set a drop-dead date and stick to it. I would love to take full responsibility for this, but I can't. It is a group of friends and we do all try to get along. Me being a hard-*ss just makes me the bad guy. The best I can do it stop being the planner. I am not wiling to have people mad at me over what is meant to be a fun social event. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I think there isn't a way to know why people don't commit. It could be that they are just slacking. Or they might genuinely be waiting for more information about something that might conflict. DD is a ballet dancer. She doesn't get her rehearsal schedule for each weekend until Wednesday. So we can never commit to weekend invitations until just a few days before the event. It is a huge pain. In the past, we would schedule family gatherings such as birthday parties weeks in advance, so SIL and MIL often keep asking when we can do this or that. We just don't know in advance. I really dislike it, and I realize it impacts others, but it is out of our control. So while some people might just wait until the last minute to decide, others might really not know until closer to the event. I know it is a pain. In your case, I would just send a message saying that you need to book the table by a certain time, and if they find out after that date that they can come, they can call the restaurant to see if they can add themselves to the party (give them the phone number). 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 What does the restaurant say about this? How flexible are they about adding or subtracting people from the head count? How far ahead do they need to know? I would find that out and then inform the guest list. Then it isn't on you. It's the restaurant's policy. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I would love to take full responsibility for this, but I can't. It is a group of friends and we do all try to get along. Me being a hard-*ss just makes me the bad guy. The best I can do it stop being the planner. I am not wiling to have people mad at me over what is meant to be a fun social event. This is why I don't plan anything that needs hard and fast commitments. I hate dealing with people. I only plan things (for our homeschool group) that allows for lots of flakiness. Like zoo trips. "If you want to go, show up at 9:00." Seriously. I have been burned too many times by flaky people, so I just don't do it any more! I'm sorry you're in this position. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I would love to take full responsibility for this, but I can't. It is a group of friends and we do all try to get along. Me being a hard-*ss just makes me the bad guy. The best I can do it stop being the planner. I am not wiling to have people mad at me over what is meant to be a fun social event. I do totally get this. I do a bunch of group organizing. I do think it is possible to put it out there and not be a jerk about it. "Unfortunately, I need hard numbers by 3/12. If I don't hear from you by then, you won't be included in the count. You are welcome to add yourself to our group after that date with the restaurant/theater/etc. (link to contact info). Hope you can join us!" I recently had to send a mail something like ... "Hi everyone! We're glad so many of you can join us for the show. I have a payment due for this next week and I've only received $15 of the $175 I owe. If you could pay me in the next few days, via paypal or in person it would be much appreciated by my pocket book." I got 4 payments via paypal within the hour. If I didn't do some group organizing, we'd just do a bunch less cool stuff so I refuse to quit. But I also refuse to be stressed out by someone else's flakiness whether it's for a good or bad reason. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I am organizing a beach trip and I booked the condo for 5 people. Three more hit me up AFTER the deadline to say they wanted to go. ARGH!!!!! We had already booked the place. If I had known, we could have gotten a 4 bedroom. As it is, we are stuck with a 3 bedroom and will have to take an air mattress unless someone is wiling to share a double bed. One still hasn't paid (deadline was 3 weeks ago.) I don't understand this. Why not just say, "Sorry, you missed the deadline and we don't have room for you" rather than squeeze people in and hope that they'll pay on time? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 UGH. I am organizing (again) a social event. This time it is a dinner where I need to make reservations. I have asked that people please make a commitment so I can reserve the right amount of seats at the restaurant. I STILL have 3 full families responding with, "Not sure, we will know more on the day of the dinner." However, even with that, they often just don't show up. I don't want to be rude and say, "commit or you won't have a seat". This is a casual get together, but I also hate having the restaurant place tables for 8 people who may not even show up. Do restaurants expect this or do they get really irritated? Dawn PS: I do know I can get obsessive over things too much. Ugh. I don't know why they can't. I have resorted to *always* requiring people to pay in advance, by a deadline. Always (if it's something I have control over). 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 "Maybe" pretty much always means "No," in my experience. In my experience, half of people who "commit" end up flaking out. I'd RSVP for the number who said yes, and if by some miracle a maybe shows, you'll probably still have seats. This is why I pretty much never organize anything anymore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 One idea, "OK, we will assume you won't be there then. I'll make the reservation, and if you do decide to come, just call the restaurant and have them increase the number" That way if they show up and expect a seat without calling, it will be obviously on them. If they call, and then the restaurant can't add them, then the restaurant is the bad guy. Last thing I would do would be to include maybes in the count. That just encourages them. I recently prayed for a new best friend for DD over this issue. She gets so disappointed when she continually has plans with a friend and the mom flakes out. Good news is that I think God might have answered my prayer. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I would tell people saying maybe that you gave to reserve by x date and therefore will reserve without them. And tell them if they decide to come afterall, they can take a chance on the restaurant accommodating them. Note that if they do take that chance they will not be seated until all who reserved ahead are seated. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 (edited) I agree with Night Elf - give them a deadline to respond. If they do not, do NOT call them. Just make the reservations and do not plan on them attending. If day of the event they call to say "now we can come" tell them too bad. Edited March 21, 2016 by JFSinIL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 How annoying. It would stress me to know that I could reserve 10-15 more or fewer seats than needed. I think I might send an email saying, "ok everyone, I have reserved x seats at y restaurant for the number of firm commitments I have. If you are still unsure, I leave it to you to make a separate reservation on your own. Hopefully they will be able to at least put us at tables near each other. If I reserved for you -and you are unable to attend, please let me know as soon as possible." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Put in the email "I need a Yes or No by X date." Feel no guilt when someone says "Well I guess my answer is no since I can't know until the day of the event." Spell it all out in the email. "If you haven't reserved a seat and you show up anyway, you are responsible for asking the staff if they can seat you." Seriously, put it in writing. "I need hard numbers by x date for the restaurant. If you do not respond I will assume you are not attending and will jot reserve your seat." If you don't know how late you can make your reservation or change your numbers, call and ASK the restaurant. Groups of people need cleared deadlines, instructions, and consequences. A large group can be safely treated like it's one big toddler. A fit may happen anyway. Oh well, don't take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I would love to take full responsibility for this, but I can't. It is a group of friends and we do all try to get along. Me being a hard-*ss just makes me the bad guy. The best I can do it stop being the planner. I am not wiling to have people mad at me over what is meant to be a fun social event. But is it fair for them to put you through this stress? Why do you have to carry the burden? I like the idea of letting them add themselves by calling the restaurant if they can make it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I do get having people call the restaurant to add/delete themselves to the reservation but I'd be concerned that too many people calling might confuse the management and possibly result in a canceled reservation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I was taught that it's rude to let people know they're your backup plan. If you're saying "I don't know if I can make it" because you might be having major surgery that day (you still haven't firmed the schedule on that!) or because you're expecting and might pop at any moment, or because there's a 50% chance your kid's basketball team will be in the finals, or because they work retail and the hours are unpredictable, okay, whatever. Those are life events and obligations you might be stuck with. But it sounds like these people are just hemming and hawing in case they decide to see the movie that opens that weekend or in case they decide not to stay home with their good friends, Ben and Jerry. You undoubtedly know who falls in which group. Show some leeway for the heavily pregnant or the ones with the awful work hours or whatnot. Tell the others firmly "I'm sorry, I'd love to accommodate you, but the restaurant needs me to have a solid reservation. I'll put you down as a no. If things change, you can call the restaurant at this number and make your own reservation, ask them to seat you near us. I'm sure they'll do that." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I'd suggest you call the restaurant and ask them how much wiggle room they have in the circumstances... like literally wiggle room ... if you make a reservation for the apparent current "definite yes" people and a few extra maybes show up without a similar number of "yeses" not coming at the last minute, could the restaurant squeeze them in at the reserved table(s) or add the extra needed space? If the restaurant will be able to squeeze in a few extras, great. Make the reservation for the number of "yeses" as of now, and squeeze extras as needed. If not, I'd send an email to the "maybes" that you need a definite answer by exact time, exact date, because you need to tell the restaurant. And hope that they don't say yes then just to secure a spot, but with the thought that they cannot likely make it. Or, send an email to everyone that says the names of those coming, and asks if there is anyone who is not listed who is coming, or listed as coming, but who cannot make it, so that you can finalize reservations by _____ date and time (which I'd make something like tomorrow if sent today, so people don't set it aside meaning to reply and forget)--that way you may learn if some current "yes" people already know they cannot after all. I just went through some similar RSVP woes with regard to my son's bday. A definite final reminder about needing Rsvp's got all but two people replying clearly, which fit fine within the venue's ability to be flexible, and then the person who had first said "yes" turned out not to be able to come after all. It could help to have such gatherings be on slow days or slow times for the restaurant so that it is more likely to be able to pull up an extra table or two or three at the last minute. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 The venue for this sort of casual gathering should be a pizza place with a banquet room. Then you can have as many people or not show up and not inconvenience anyone. That's what our prayer group at our old church always did when we wanted to get everyone together for a fun dinner but didn't know how many to make reservations for. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 UGH. I am organizing (again) a social event. This time it is a dinner where I need to make reservations. I have asked that people please make a commitment so I can reserve the right amount of seats at the restaurant. I STILL have 3 full families responding with, "Not sure, we will know more on the day of the dinner." However, even with that, they often just don't show up. I don't want to be rude and say, "commit or you won't have a seat". This is a casual get together, but I also hate having the restaurant place tables for 8 people who may not even show up. Do restaurants expect this or do they get really irritated? Dawn PS: I do know I can get obsessive over things too much. I'd tell them if they don't know by such and such a date then they won't be included in the reservation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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