Studid things you learned not to do from experience. Humorous thread.

[RoughCollie]

Do not leave your 2.5 year old sons in their bedroom with nothing but furniture, except for a huge, never opened jar of vaseline, on the night when they move from cribs to toddler beds.

 

Do not think that 2.5 year olds who have never opened a jar in their lives will not be able to open this one.

 

Even though you haven't been able to sit down and read a book in years, do not believe your husband when he says that no noise is good news, it means the boys are asleep.

 

Do not listen to this piece of advice even though he keeps saying it over and over to calm you down. Listen to your instincts, which are screaming that the boys are Up To No Good.

[RoughCollie]

Do not decide that you do not want glitter all over the house and put several colored flasks of it away on top of your huge, tall refrigerator, way, way back.

 

Do not assume that You know anything about Glitter at all.

 

Do not think that just because your 3.5 year old son and your 2.5 year old daughter have never climbed onto anything except furniture, that they will not find the glitter. Even though they never knew you had it. Even though they did not see you put it there. Throw it away! Yes, even though it cost money and even though you are certain to need it in a couple of years, or might need it yourself for a craft project.

 

Do not go to sleep if there is any chance your kids will wake up between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m. Okay, that's too harsh.

 

Do use saline solution to wash glitter off your son's eyes. Keep working at it and eventually it will all come out due to copious amounts of saline solution and tears.

 

Do keep your cool when you ask your firstborn son and your daughter why they poured several tubes of glitter into their brother's eyes (and all over his face, in his ears and nostrils, and in his hair) while he slept. (This part is hard to do because the victim has been screaming in pain since the debacle began.)

 

Do not let your mind slip over into psychosis when they tell you they thought it would make him see pretty colors (like a rainbow, Mommy!) when he woke up.

Edited September 18, 2010 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

Do not congratulate yourself when your entire downstairs is spotless and you have disinfected the bathroom, right before your pastor and his very, very pregnant wife are coming over.

 

Do not let your guard down for one instant. Do not breathe a secret sigh of relief and congratulate yourself again when the pastor's wife has to use the bathroom. Do not pat yourself silently on the back for making sure she and her baby will not be exposed to One Single Germ in your bathroom.

 

Do not do this for a good reason: Your children have been studying ancient middle eastern history in SOTW. Take heed! Your 6 year old boys may decide to plaster the entire bathroom, leaving no surface unsullied, with mud. They are quiet. They are quick.

 

While you are at it, do not let your children have a huge mud hole in the back yard to play in. The neighbors were right -- mud is an abomination and no child should be exposed to it. Mud holes are the beginning of the end. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Edited September 18, 2010 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

Do not hire a yard man to rake the leaves in your yard without discussing the matter thoroughly with your 4 year old boys.

 

Otherwise, you will walk into your den and find the leaves they rescued. The pile will be nearly as tall as they are, and will measure 6' x 5'.

 

They will be excited and they will expect you will be too, because this was a Rescue Operation because leaves are fun to play in.

[lea1]

Do not leave an open bucket of sand in the garage, after winter is over and it is no longer needed for sanding the icy driveway.

 

Do not assume your two 4 year olds are playing nicely and not getting into anything in the garage, just because you can't see or hear them, especially when they should be playing on the driveway where you can see them.

 

Never leave the van unlocked, when 4 year olds are playing outside on the driveway and in the garage.

 

Never drive a van that has sand in the gas tank. Call a tow truck and make 4 year olds sit in time out until tow truck arrives. (dh got this one right:).

Edited September 18, 2010 by Lea in OK

[hsmom3tn]

From my husband:

 

If you're talking on your cell phone and need to urinate, get off the phone. Don't try to continue your conversation in the bathroom, over the toilet...

... unless you want to buy a new phone. :tongue_smilie:

[hsmom3tn]

I've never put regular dishwashing liquid in the dishwasher...

 

... but I have mopped the kitchen floor with it.

 

Oops.

[Barb_]

try to remove extra roux from a pot (when your realize you've made too much) with a paper towel. Trust me, it burns your skin right through that towel as if it weren't even there...

 

 

On that note, never attempt to make a roux while drinking a glass of wine. You'll start getting happy and make little swishing motions with the wire whisk and flick drops of hot, sticky, oily roux all over your chin, chest, thigh and foot. It's really best to have your faculties about you when making a roux.

 

This whole thread makes me think of Officer Buckle's safety tips

 

Barb

[Barb_]

From my husband:

 

If you're talking on your cell phone and need to urinate, get off the phone. Don't try to continue your conversation in the bathroom, over the toilet...

... unless you want to buy a new phone. :tongue_smilie:

 

...And don't tuck your phone into the back waistband of your yoga pants either.

[Lacie]

Yep. I stuck my toungue and teeth together my senior year in high school. It only took me a few hours of gentle shifting to get them loose...

 

I remember hearing something similar when I was a kid.

 

Do not store super glue in your bathroom, especially if it is in the same size/shape container as your eye drops.

 

One of my mom's co-workers ended up in the hospital with serious eye damage after mistaking the glue for her eye drops one morning.

[LoisLane]

Don't agree to taste your two year old's "bgr." Trust me, he is NOT talking about the hamburger sitting in front of him!

[Chelle in MO]

Don't put your BRAND NEW $300 glasses in your slacks pocket and then use an automatically-flushing toilet at the mall...they'll slip out of your pocket and into the swirly water and be gone before you have time to decide whether or not you're willing to reach in and grab them.

 

Not me, my aunt!

[astrid]

Don't carry eggs in from the chicken coop in a jacket pocket on the last cool day of the year, then forget to take the egg out of the pocket before you hang the jacket in the coat closet.

 

We spent the whole late spring, summer and fall a few years ago wondering who farted and blaming the dog. :001_rolleyes:

 

The jacket was a total loss, by the way.

 

astrid

[nd293]

Do not try to refill a gas soldering iron with gas while the flame is still burning. Loss of eyelashes can result from failure to follow these instructions.

 

Do not get water on the inside bits of any washing machine you are trying to fix - especially not when you have it connected to power.

 

Do not let your 18 month old play with your bread machine and a small plastic bowl.

 

When going camping, and using dry ice to keep things cold, do not place your glass bottles of soda directly on top of the dry ice.

 

If your CD drive stops working, you might want to see if any of your credit cards are missing.

 

If your video machine stops working, you might want to see if any plastic forks are missing.

 

Do not bring a casserole dish out of the oven and put it on a glass-topped table.

 

Do not out a pot that is still warm onto the glass shelf in the fridge.

 

You really cannot use a coal-burning BBQ in your living room, even if the BBQ is only as big as a small pot.

 

For an endless supply of "Do not let your kids..." with photographic evidence, have a look at this blog!

[RoughCollie]

You know, I hate to admit this, but I'm learning a lot by reading these posts. Laughing a lot, too.

[AndyJoy]

From my best friend:

 

If you want to see if you can jump high enough to hit your head on the ceiling, don't put your hand on the top of your head as a cushion "just in case" you actually succeed. Especially don't do this if you are wearing your $300 class ring because it might hypothetically get mashed and have to be cut off.

 

From me:

 

Don't wear heels and a dress to your first day of high school when you have only worn heels a handful of times in a carpeted church. The combination of a crowded hall, newly waxed floors, and self-absorbed teenage strangers might potentially be painful and embarrassing.

[OnTheBrink]

Never, ever try to remove wallpaper from above the shower by placing a step stool in the tub.

 

If doing Wii Yoga, make sure you're not standing under a ceiling fan that happens to be running at the time.

 

When making a tart, remember that ONE cake mix is for BOTH pans.

 

Evaporated milk is not a good substitute for coffee creamer.

 

Do not try to eat a Subway sandwich and drive at the same time.

 

Do not try to eat a Fresco style burrito from Taco Bell and drive at the same time.

 

Do not try to eat lunch in the car as you're driving to work at all. If you do, bring along an extra shirt.

 

If after telling a hairdresser how you want your hair done, her response is, "OH! I know what look real cute on you!" RUN FAST AND FAR!

[Catherine]

Don't assume a 1 year old isn't capable of operating manual car door locks.

 

Don't forget the broken latch on the hatchback when your baby has locked himself in the car with the keys on a hot day.

[Sasharowan]

Don't put your pizza dough in a plastic bowl in the oven to rise.

[cjbeach]

Do not *EVER* try to wax "certain" areas with cheap drugstore wax... especially if you live alone.

[HollyDay]

Do not turn on wheat grinder without first securing the lid on the bucket (think black dog laying in floor of kitchen suddenly looking more grey)

 

Do not take the little lid in the center of the blender top off while blender is running.

 

Do not check the hose nozzle for a clog with hose turned on.

 

Do not leave the back door open when washing the dog on the back porch.

 

Do not leave your new slender cell phone in your pants pocket if you plan to wash said pants

 

Do not leave chocolate cookie on the front seat of car in the summer

[mommytobees]

I thought she meant some goldfish crackers had spilled under there?

 

LOL, yes, those were goldfish crackers.

 

Kris

[Mrs Mungo]

LOL, yes, those were goldfish crackers.

 

Kris

 

Whew, I was worried for a minute. :smilielol5:

[Dandelion]

Do not assume that just because your vehicle is a Jeep, and you have a hitch ball on the back, you are able and qualified to pull another vehicle out of a snowbank.

 

Along with that, do not assume that if the vehicle you are trying to pull does not have a hitch ball, it's ok to tie the rope to the latch hole in the other vehicle's trunk.

 

Yes, I did this...and not only did I not get my mom's car out of the snowbank, but I permanently bent her car's frame with this maneuver... Luckily, it's still drivable... :blushing:

[kym]

Do not give your 6 year old really nice-smelling bubble-gum: he will want to immediately go outside to show the dogs. While showing his gum to the dogs, he will need to squat down so that the rambunctious Golden Retriever can get a “good smellâ€. If he squats down, the gum will fall out of his mouth and land in said Golden Retriever’s long, plumy tail. It will then be stuck – very stuck- and the dog will be frantically trying to reach the gum because it does smell so good, after all. The six year old son will then rush inside to alert his mother, so that she can come and magically remove the sticky gum from the furry tail. The mother will be very irritated at the son and will make some off-hand remark about having to cut it off. Of course, she means she will have to cut the GUM off. She does not mean she intends to cut the dog’s TAIL off. However, the son will totally take this the wrong way and will proceed to scream hysterically at his mother, who of course has no idea why her sunny child has suddenly turned into something from the Exorcist. By the time this little miscommunication has been sorted out, the whole neighbourhood will be aware of the whole episode. The mother will then proceed to cut the gum out of the beautiful, wavy tail, leaving only a small bare patch. The son will gratefully kiss and kiss his mother and thank her profusely, while being lectured by older brother. The mother will throw out all the gum in the house – which is only one packet – and then go and get herself a stiff drink.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[kym]

Do not store identically shaped containers near each other if one contains cinnamon and one contains taco seasoning.

 

Because those contents are the same color.

 

But not interchangeable.

 

 

I did EXACTLY this!!

My kids will never let me live down the cinnamon flavored burritos we had one night for dinner....

[kym]

This thread is great!

 

When you are a man, home alone for a weekend because your wife is out of town and kids are at grandma and grandpa's house, and you need to get something from the garage....

Don't go into the garage late at night, in your underwear, when it is -10 degrees outside and let the door close behind you, then realize that the door locked from the INSIDE. And then further realize that the front and back doors to your house are also locked.

You will find out that you'd rather rip the doorknob out of the door, shredding it to pieces, than to knock on your next door neighbor's door at midnight in January, in your undies. :D

[yarrow]

Do not trust the person who says the kitten is male. And when you are certain the kitten has a UTI because he's acting strangely and arching his back, rush him to the vet. And, since it's the middle of winter and the vet says to bring him right in, do not forget to use a cat carrier. Because the cat will escape from the car when you try to get out and climb into a neighbor's car engine. You will then need to ask the vet's office for help rescuing the kitten with your 6 yo & 4yo in freezing temps.

 

THEN, the vet may tell you that the kitten is not male but female and in heat! (after a litter of 4 kittens, all were fixed)

[KidsHappen]

This thread is great!

 

When you are a man, home alone for a weekend because your wife is out of town and kids are at grandma and grandpa's house, and you need to get something from the garage....

Don't go into the garage late at night, in your underwear, when it is -10 degrees outside and let the door close behind you, then realize that the door locked from the INSIDE. And then further realize that the front and back doors to your house are also locked.

You will find out that you'd rather rip the doorknob out of the door, shredding it to pieces, than to knock on your next door neighbor's door at midnight in January, in your undies. :D

 

:smilielol5:

[KidsHappen]

Ok, this one is from my hubby - do not get out of the car in the car wash to make sure you pulled onto the rack correctly. If you do this, be sure to watch out for the moving sprayer so that you don't get caught between the sprayer and the car door requiring you wife to reach over and put the car into drive so that it will move forward and prevent the car wash from amputating your leg. If you should do this, don't be surprised if your children scream every time you go to the car wash.

[zaichiki]

Don't carry eggs in from the chicken coop in a jacket pocket on the last cool day of the year, then forget to take the egg out of the pocket before you hang the jacket in the coat closet.

 

:lol: I did this, too! :lol:

[bookfiend]

Do not condition your hair with mayonaise and then blow dry it unless you enjoy the smell of scrambled eggs all day.

[cin]

Well, I'll take a stab at being the person who learned the most lessons in a 15 minute timespan. Here's my quick and dirty version:

 

If you are alone with a two year old and a baby and the screaming toddler needs to be taken to the emergency room in the middle of the night, remember to turn off your home alarm before opening the door.

 

A screeching alarm will wake a sleeping six month old causing him to scream in unison with the toddler.

 

When trying to call the alarm company don't assume they are not already on the line calling you and you picked the phone up before it rang.

 

Don't forget to close the door that set off the alarm.

 

Don't panic when the neighbor's dog "Beast" waltzes through your door and tries to devour your chihuahua.

 

When someone says they dropped the phone, it can be meant literally. And don't leave the dropped phone nearby while two kids are screaming and you are yelling "Beast, don't kill her...Leave her alone, she can't defend herself...Get out of here now...Do Not Kill Her...Stop clawing at me."

 

To a poor alarm company phone person on his first night on the job, the above sounds eerily like a break-in and hostage situation going down.

 

The local SWAT team/hostage rescue team can be mobilized in 8-1/2 minutes.

 

Neighbors get awfully curious when police cars careen down the street and block all exits to the neighboorhood. The police cars are sometimes followed closely by a dark van, which opens to darkly clothed men and women with SWAT on their backs.

 

SWAT team members have big guns. Big guns make neighbors very wary.

 

When all is said and done, a police escort to the hospital ER is not as exciting as it once seemed.

 

Somewhere there's a former alarm company phone person who likely embarked on a career change that very night. :lol:

 

 

 

I can laugh about it now, but it really was scary when it happened. DH won't let me live that one down, and is still hesitant about leaving town overnight.

 

 

I have been told, by DH to STOP reading this thread, so HE can have some peace and quiet.

[Dana]

I have been told, by DH to STOP reading this thread, so HE can have some peace and quiet.

 

My son asked me to leave the room because I was distracting him from reading. Then my husband asked me to leave because I was distracting him from sleeping.

 

I haven't laughed like that in quite a while, so this has been great for me. :D

[dirty ethel rackham]

Ok, this one is from my hubby - do not get out of the car in the car wash to make sure you pulled onto the rack correctly. If you do this, be sure to watch out for the moving sprayer so that you don't get caught between the sprayer and the car door requiring you wife to reach over and put the car into drive so that it will move forward and prevent the car wash from amputating your leg. If you should do this, don't be surprised if your children scream every time you go to the car wash.

 

Similar one about my dad ...

 

Always trust your wife when she says something is not working on the car - like the driver's side automatic window.

 

Do not take said car with troublesome driver's side window to the car wash (or at least open the door to pay the attendant instead of the window.)

 

Always be thankful for quick-thinking car wash attendants who have clean towels handy. Car wash soap is not tasty.

 

Only use car washes when nobody is home.

 

Smile pleasantly and do not swear when returning home to family members ROFLing when they see you covered in suds from said car wash of said car with faulty window mechanism. There may be young children present who will proudly (and loudly) announce loudly to every stranger "My grampa says 'bulls#(!'".

[Barb_]

My son asked me to leave the room because I was distracting him from reading. Then my husband asked me to leave because I was distracting him from sleeping.

 

I haven't laughed like that in quite a while, so this has been great for me. :D

 

Someone should resurrect it every anniversary.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

When you are a teen, and you run a red light, it can't be undone. You can't stop in the middle of the intersection, put the car in reverse, and undo the fact that you just broke the law. And if your sister is in the car, she probably won't tell your parents for 20 years, but you can bet she'll tell all of your teenagers when they're learning to drive.

[Melinda TX]

I did EXACTLY this!!

My kids will never let me live down the cinnamon flavored burritos we had one night for dinner....

 

I can't wait to tell my kids I am not the only one.

:lol:

[idnib]

When working with a very sharp kitchen knife, don't put it down, wipe your wet hands with a towel, and put the towel down over the knife. Hubby will pick up the towel, causing the knife underneath to fall off the edge of the counter and fall cleanly into his foot.

 

As a teenager, when using your mom's nice pot to make popcorn balls, do not get distracted on the phone and let the mixture harden in the pot.

 

When your toddler keep saying, "fly, fly on my arm" while in the backyard, don't assume it's a fly. It could be a black widow spider. :scared:

 

Don't put 2 people on a bike and try to ride up a steep hill on a busy road. Especially don't put the heaviest person on the back.

 

Ether vapor can catch fire and blaze an 8-10 foot trail all the way back to the bottle, causing it to explode. The flame looks really cool as it goes into the bottle, until you realize what you've just seen and understand by this point it would be good to have your back turned, or better yet, be in a different building altogether. Btw, don't put said ether bottle on a lab bench next to a giant stack of paper towels. (This was done by my organic chemistry lab partner, who was so careless the rest of us had secretly drawn straws to see who had to partner with him for the semester.)

 

On the chemistry topic, do not use your hand to try to scoop extremely hot sand out of the heater you were using to boil liquids in your round-bottom flask.

 

As a young child, do not attempt to perform eyelid exercises by clipping an alligator clip to your upper eyelashes to see if your eyelid is strong enough to still keep your eye open. Or if you do, do not accidentally clip it to your eyelid. :crying: And don't do it in the car after your dad has just told everyone to BE QUIET.

 

And finally, for those who appreciate Unix humor, do not forget you are logged in as root when you do the rm -r. (Remove files and directories recursively.):tongue_smilie:

Edited September 20, 2010 by idnib

[creekland]

When leaving teenaged boys home alone for a couple of days, don't assume they will shower. Make sure you write it out on the "to do" list or it will be forgotten.

 

When sending teenaged (or younger) boys upstairs to take a shower, don't assume they will use soap or shampoo.

[RoughCollie]

When you rent several thousand square feet of office space for your bookstore, look up and check the ceiling height. You may discover that it is only 4" above your head. A clue might rush in and lodge itself in your brain.

 

Do this before you sign a lease on the only office space in a remote rural town that is large enough to house your books.

 

Do this before 4 moving vans arrive and are partially unloaded and the first 7' tall bookcase is being moved in.

 

Do not attempt to solve the problem by hiring a carpenter to shorten the bookcases at $50 a pop. There are 200 bookcases.

 

Do the math before you call your wife who is busy moving the household and is in another state, so you don't have to fire the carpenter right after you've hired him.

 

Do not forget to thank God that your wife is far away and will not be joining you for 2.5 weeks.

Edited September 20, 2010 by RoughCollie

[ciyates]

Do not accidently punch 10:00 minutes on the microwave when you are intending to zap your sponge for only 1:00 minute.

 

Jenelle

 

:iagree: DH did this one! He wasn't kidding when he said the microwave caught on fire either!

[Carrie12345]

When a 3yo swipes a cough drop, don't yank him backwards to retrieve it. He WILL choke. (Wish I told dh *last week!)

 

When a 3yo says he's just like a squirrel, do check his mouth for chewed up rotten acorns.

 

If you live on more than an acre of property, don't fool yourself into thinking that dedicating about 1/5th of it to "doggy space" and labeling that area "Poop Hill" will keep your kids from running around there. Barefoot.

 

Also, don't fool yourself into thinking the dogs will never leave a surprise somewhere else.

 

If you can't remember finishing off a carton of ice cream, do check your kids' bedroom.

[Shawneinfl]

When tiling a floor, do not rinse grout into the sink.

[CourtneyChn]

If, one day, your kids' bathroom starts smelling really good all of a sudden, don't assume someone got the urge to clean it. One of your kids might have dumped half an economy sized bottle of watermelon scented shampoo behind the toilet.

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

Do not rub poison ivy all over one's body to prove to one's brothers that one is not allergic to poison ivy. (My mom did this.)

 

Do not drive the wrong way down a highway entrance ramp in a snowstorm, at night, and think that pulling up onto the median to "get out of the way" is a good idea.

 

Do not drive in a snowstorm with the emergency brake on.

[jenn&charles]

LOL I love this thread...I just spent about an hour reading a bunch of the posts to my husband, lol.

 

He has to add in one....

(Dictated to me by him): Do not assume you have done your wife a big favor (for which you will be highly praised) by mixing up hummingbird feeder solution for her - adding a few drops of blue food coloring because it nicely contrasts with the red of the hummingbird feeder. Not only will your wife tell you that blue food coloring is probably not great for the birds, but neither she nor our nosy, doggone daughter who discovered that you actually used salt instead of sugar to mix up said nectar will ever let you forget it.

 

It looked like sugar!!

 

*Note from me: You can tell he spends a whole lot of time in the kitchen....;)

 

 

 

And these are from me:

 

 

Do not think it will be really hilarious to scare your husband as he drifts off to sleep...especially if he's been highly trained in martial arts. You might just find out that he didn't lose his automatic reactions after all those years when his hand is at your throat ready to kill the "dangerous intruder" before he is fully awake!!

 

 

Do NOT forget to restock the diaper bag when you take your infant on a quick shopping trip.

Then, when your infant has a horrible runny mess of a diaper and you use all the last of your supplies/diapers to clean it up, DON'T think you can just put him back in his clothes without a diaper and set him in the baby seat of the grocery cart since he JUST went after all and you are only taking a few minutes to get a few items. It will NOT be alright.

He will pee in the seat and you will have nothing to clean it up with. And don't think he will just pee a little bit...no, he will FILL that seat.

 

Don't leave oven mitts in the oven. They catch on fire later when you are heating up the oven for something else.

 

Don't let your kids read recipes and assure you they know what they are doing.

The kids read that you need "toasted tortillas", so they put tortillas in the toaster and they caught on fire!

 

When you are a teenager, don't think you can make your own homemade version of microwaved popcorn by putting popcorn in a regular paper bag....

It catches on fire too.

 

Also, when you are learning how to grill hamburgers, make sure you actually press the patties together REALLY well or they will fall through the grill into the fire and ruin your dinner.

Edited September 20, 2010 by jenn&charles

[runmiarun]

Do not drive through the back roads of Maine. At night. Without a map.

 

:)

 

Or West Virginia on a patriotic holiday weekend with the directions to "look for the house with the flag on the flagpole. It's the only one there." It wasn't but the owner sure was nice after he put his shotgun down.

[zaichiki]

When you are a teenager, don't think you can make your own homemade version of microwaved popcorn by putting popcorn in a regular paper bag....

It catches on fire too.

 

We make popcorn ALL the time this way. Never had a problem. 1/4 C of kernels into a paper lunch bag folded thinly at the top. Microwave on high for just shy of 2 minutes. Perfect!