marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Usually I am pretty good at wording things in a nice way. But I'm blanking on a way to do this. I'm sending out an evite to a bunch of people we know, to invite them to a cocktail party at our house. Many of the people have kids, and they tend to assume kids are included in invitations. Well, most of the time kids are. Every family we are inviting has been to our house before, but usually in small groups and during the day. I can't accommodate a bunch of kids this time. And, I just don't want them. I know that etiquette states that only named people are included in the invitation. And "cocktail" should be a code word that means "adults only." But, with an electronic invitation it's not as clear who is invited as with a paper one. And, people will still make assumptions, especially people who don't have built-in babysitters, kwim? So... how the heck do I say this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I'd just be forthright and say it's an adults-only cocktail party. I don't see any reason to beat around the bush or try to come up with a nicer way to say it. It isn't rude to call it what it is and make the expectations clear. 47 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I think you have to just say it. Adults only. But if you think that's too loaded maybe put in a more talky note to the invite saying it more like, "chance for the grown ups to be grown ups together for once" and stuff along those lines. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I think you have to just say it. Adults only. But if you think that's too loaded maybe put in a more talky note to the invite saying it more like, "chance for the grown ups to be grown ups together for once" and stuff along those lines. For some reason, that's how it feels. Odd, because there's nothing wrong with it. It's not like there'll be something going on that kids can't witness. :-) How weird. I mean me, feeling like I can't just say "adults only," that's what's weird. Maybe I just feel guilty, though I don't know why as I hired my share of babysitters when my kids were little. :-) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Other than "No children, please," I can't think of any other way to say it that wouldn't leave an opening for someone to assume it's fine to bring kids. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Could you perhaps find a pic of a cocktail party from like the 1960's and use that, and call it an old fashioned adult cocktail party? I'd even be tempted to add some text about looking forward to an adults only evening. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Other than "No children, please," I can't think of any other way to say it that wouldn't leave an opening for someone to assume it's fine to bring kids. I think that's a perfectly acceptable & clear way to state it. That's probably how I would word it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 If you don't spell it out, you will regret it. 38 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 'I hope you can join us for our first ever grown ups only party! We are looking forward to it.' 35 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I actually appreciate when invitations spell out exactly who is invited. Otherwise I don't have to call and ask, lol. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 'I hope you can join us for our first ever grown ups only party! We are looking forward to it.' I think Matrips has nailed it. Just the right tone! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Also, be clear about nursing babies. For some reason, some people don't get that adults-only doesn't mean no nursing babies. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I think I have it: Adults and babies in arms only, please. There are a few new babies in the crowd. Would not want to keep them out. But I wouldn't assume a nursing baby was invited unless told so. Is "babies in arms" clear? Obvs it is to me! Thanks for the ideas. Always helps! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I don't know if it is clear... do you mean up to walking age? Whenever anyone puts that it seems like someone always sneaks in a 2 year old. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 My 2 cents: All children are babies so that opens the door to all babies, even the weaned, walking ones. I'd say something to affect of adults only and nursing babies welcome. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 ....and nursing infants under 6 months. You do NOT want toddlers there. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) I also would mention something about those little babies. Ours is usually along the lines of "adults only but nursing babies are always welcome". Edited November 21, 2015 by athomeontheprairie 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Babies in arms is different than infant in arms. Babies go up to age 2-3 sometimes and they can be carried. Infants or newborns is clearer I think. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 People have difference tolerance levels & have different ideas about what is acceptable in this situation. If you really want people to know what you mean, you need to be extremely clear. Don't say it cute, say it blunt. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 OK, y'all, I'll change it to nursing infants. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) I think adults only is perfectly find, but if you don't want to say that, call it a parents night out. "Babies in arms" would be very liberally interpreted by people who don't want to pay for a sitter. OK saw the update. When I was nursing I brought a manual pump, is that an unreasonable? Adults only is not a horrible thing. Edited November 21, 2015 by poppy 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I'm not sure why you feel you have to include the babies if it is an adult cocktail party. :confused: Crying babies at an adult party will completely destroy the tone of the evening. I think you need to make it an all-or-nothing thing. Either kids are allowed or they aren't. IMO, people are more likely to get offended that they can't bring their 1yo when someone else can bring their 6 month old. If you have a blanket "adults only, no children" rule, people can decide to attend or to stay at home, but at least there will be nothing to argue about. And what about a mom who is still nursing her 2yo? She will assume that her "baby" is welcome because nursing moms are allowed to bring their little ones. I think you are over-complicating things. :) 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I agree with Cat on this but if you want babies set an age limit. People are so weird about their kids being special. "She's so quiet." Nope. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I'm not sure why you feel you have to include the babies if it is an adult cocktail party. :confused: Crying babies at an adult party will completely destroy the tone of the evening. I think you need to make it an all-or-nothing thing. Either kids are allowed or they aren't. IMO, people are more likely to get offended that they can't bring their 1yo when someone else can bring their 6 month old. If you have a blanket "adults only, no children" rule, people can decide to attend or to stay at home, but at least there will be nothing to argue about. And what about a mom who is still nursing her 2yo? She will assume that her "baby" is welcome because nursing moms are allowed to bring their little ones. I think you are over-complicating things. :) I concur. Keep it adults only. All of us here understand that parenting is a sacrificial way of life; it's not possible to attend every event. You went through that stage of life, now you are a bit freer. It's time for you to have the kind of party you want to enjoy. One day those other parents will be at your stage, too. So I vote to set the firm rule of adults only and let the invitees make the choice with regard to get a babysitter or send regrets. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 somewhere on it you include: this event is adults only. anything less will be wishy washy and you'll have people who don't bring kids - and people who do. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) I think adults only is perfectly find, but if you don't want to say that, call it a parents night out. "Babies in arms" would be very liberally interpreted by people who don't want to pay for a sitter. OK saw the update. When I was nursing I brought a manual pump, is that an unreasonable? Adults only is not a horrible thing. I nursed all my kids for more than a year each. I could be away from them for a few hours. (even when they were small). if the mom is so attached she can't leave her baby for a few hours - she's not going to enjoy herself at an adults party. Edited November 21, 2015 by gardenmom5 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I like "grown-ups" better than "adults", for the reasons implied above. If you know someone with a tiny baby, you can send them a separate note, letting them know that their baby is welcome. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Our group uses "Age ___ and over and babes in arms welcome" as the "clue." The age changes according to event. A slightly humorous way is to say No childcare for children under age 21; babes in arms excepted." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 "Book your babysitters, moms and dads, and join us for a night of cocktails and hors d'oeuvres." If you want to make an exception for a really young baby, I would do that directly rather than trying to get it in the invite. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 "Book your babysitters, moms and dads, and join us for a night of cocktails and hors d'oeuvres." If you want to make an exception for a really young baby, I would do that directly rather than trying to get it in the invite. I agree. I would not include exceptions on the invitation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Our group uses "Age ___ and over and babes in arms welcome" as the "clue." The age changes according to event. A slightly humorous way is to say No childcare for children under age 21; babes in arms excepted." "No childcare provided" isn't the same as "adults only," though. Some may think that means they'll need to keep an eye on their kids during the party. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Some friends of ours host a holiday cocktail party every year and last year the invitation said something like "Put the kids to bed with visions of sugarplums in their heads and join us for cocktails, etc." It cutely got the point across. And it was a fun night. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 So, I did it. I stuck with the basic "adults only, please" and will contact the moms with nurselings and let them know. I liked all the cute ideas but they don't fit my personality and it seemed like it would sound odd coming from me, kwim? I've found that a lot of people don't watch their kids, whether there is childcare or not. I have had some people over who just, I don't know, seem to assume that because they're not home, they're not in charge of the child. Mostly though what happens is that people assume my daughter will watch the kids. She used to babysit a lot, and does childcare at church events (a good number of our guest list goes to our church) so people seem to assume she is eager to entertain them when they're at our house. Um, no. :-) Thanks for all the ideas! I don't know why this was so hard for me. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 So, I did it. I stuck with the basic "adults only, please" and will contact the moms with nurselings and let them know. I liked all the cute ideas but they don't fit my personality and it seemed like it would sound odd coming from me, kwim? I've found that a lot of people don't watch their kids, whether there is childcare or not. I have had some people over who just, I don't know, seem to assume that because they're not home, they're not in charge of the child. Mostly though what happens is that people assume my daughter will watch the kids. She used to babysit a lot, and does childcare at church events (a good number of our guest list goes to our church) so people seem to assume she is eager to entertain them when they're at our house. Um, no. :-) Thanks for all the ideas! I don't know why this was so hard for me. I notice the same thing. Which is why if I brought my kids that meant I didn't really have any fun. No offense to my kids. But I think that is why some people just don't watch their kids. You can't really do both (enjoy the party and watch your kids all the time). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Also, be clear about nursing babies. For some reason, some people don't get that adults-only doesn't mean no nursing babies. Unless you don't want nursing babies. I think adults only means no babies period. I nursed 4. I was able to leave them at home to attend events, even when they were really small. You do not have to nurse constantly. If something comes up, cell phones are wonderful things. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 "Adults only" somewhere on the party invitation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Do you really want to make exceptions so those nursing infants can be there? I've been to a number of "no kids" parties; most people try to be polite when others bring their infants, but some show obvious irritation. When parents have to get a sitter so they can go to an adults-only party, that's what they expect everyone else to do, too. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) Nm, issue already resolved Edited November 21, 2015 by trulycrabby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Professormom Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Do you really want to make exceptions so those nursing infants can be there? I've been to a number of "no kids" parties; most people try to be polite when others bring their infants, but some show obvious irritation. When parents have to get a sitter so they can go to an adults-only party, that's what they expect everyone else to do, too. :Iagree: When we are invited to an adults-only party, we assume that means everyone there is an adult. We look forward to it as such. Babies definitely change the tone of the party. Just something to think on as far as the expectations of other guests. I am not anti-kid. We have lots of events with entire families at our house. But, we draw lines very clearly when we have adults-only parties. And, I don't think it is a host's responsibility to accommodate for every invitee's circumstance. Nursing people can pump or be away for a few hours... Or they can decline. You are just issuing the invite... They can come or not as they see fit. I think adults-only conveys that it is going to be a certain kind of evening (relaxed, no crying, opportunity for uninterrupted conversation, etc.) When I host, my goal is that kind of atmosphere. Just my two cents. I hope, above all, you have a fantastic evening! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 We have kids, and I love kids, but once a year we host an "adult only" party. We say on the invite, "adults only, if you need help finding a sitter let me, I might be able to help!" We have arranged group sitting, at another party-goers house, we've passed on names of good sitters, and one time due to special circumstances, we just had some kids upstairs with ours at our house with a sitter. It's always gone over really well, and everyone who has come (all have had kids) have really enjoyed having an "adult only" party. One time a mom brought her 9 month old nursing baby, but it was not a big deal at all. So, be honest and blunt (lots of people need blunt), but be willing to be helpful to make it work for people. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 LOL, I love all the opinions. So the invitation did go out, and 'adults only' is on it. I am rethinking the baby thing. Yeah, even infants do change the atmosphere. So, I'm going to leave it as is. I also realized I would have to have a good place for diaper changes if there are infants, and I don't want to have to worry about my room or my daughter's being accessible. (The bathroom is very small and the only place would be on the floor.) In the past (in a different house) we would have kids in a separate room with a sitter. That is a great option. Not workable in this house - it's too small, and the floorplan (stupid split level) means there is no place in the house that everything can't be heard, except my son's attic bedroom and that is off-limits. The living/kitchen/dining areas are where the party will be; there is a small family room down a small flight of steps but there is no door between it and the kitchen, so no way to contain kiddies. I am looking forward to it. We love having company but with the kids' activities and my husband's meetings, it seems we have few free evenings lately. We are lax in our hospitality! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Honestly, I think guests just appreciate it if you just say adults only. I don't think it's rude. I remember my parents once declining a wedding invitation because they weren't sure if my siblings and I were invited. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I think you did the right thing -- but don't beat yourself up about not knowing how to phrase it. That just means you are a nice person and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or exclude anyone from being able to attend your party. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Honestly, I think guests just appreciate it if you just say adults only. I don't think it's rude. I remember my parents once declining a wedding invitation because they weren't sure if my siblings and I were invited. We've had to do that too. Or call and ask in the most polite way I know how whether kids are invited or it's intended to be adults-only. I would much rather they just make it clear on the invite! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I don't think it's rude. It would have spared us some awkwardness last weekend if a friend would have told us that, instead of us arriving with our 4 little ones to what was obviously NOT a child-friendly gathering. Apparently he felt bad saying no kids. But instead of being a little weird beforehand it was even MORE uncomfortable to be there with 20 child-free couples as the realization that our kids weren't really welcome came to us. So we left after 20 minutes. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I don't think it's rude. It would have spared us some awkwardness last weekend if a friend would have told us that, instead of us arriving with our 4 little ones to what was obviously NOT a child-friendly gathering. Apparently he felt bad saying no kids. But instead of being a little weird beforehand it was even MORE uncomfortable to be there with 20 child-free couples as the realization that our kids weren't really welcome came to us. So we left after 20 minutes. Liked your post because I like responses. But didn't like the content so much. How uncomfortable! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 You know what's sad? All it takes is one parent with bratty kids to ruin what could have been a child-friendly party. Some friends have an ornament exchange every year. The first few years, people brought kids and it was fine. It was understood that the exchange was for the moms and the gifts the hostesses gave at the end were for the moms, too, not the children. One year, a mom brought her kids and they completely wrecked the event. The hostess has a very nice home with beautiful Christmas decor. Everything was relaxed but very nice. The kids starting dragging out legos and blocks, making a mess. People tried to be gracious and just deal, but it was awful. The kids took ornaments from the exchange and took gifts at the end, at their mother's urging. There weren't enough for the adults who brought ornaments to exchange and there weren't enough gifts at the end. The hostesses were scrambling to find things in the house to offer as gifts at the end. Consequently, that mom was never asked back. It wasn't that she was new to the group and didn't get it--she absolutely knew what she was doing and what she was allowing her kids to do. She didn't care. She felt she could do what she wanted and to heck with anyone else. So, now, the hostesses specify on the invite that it's for women 18 and over, excepting nursing infants. There's always someone, it seems, who goes out of their way to be a jerk. And because of that, I think it's perfectly ok to be very specific with who's invited and who isn't. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 You know what's sad? All it takes is one parent with bratty kids to ruin what could have been a child-friendly party. Some friends have an ornament exchange every year. The first few years, people brought kids and it was fine. It was understood that the exchange was for the moms and the gifts the hostesses gave at the end were for the moms, too, not the children. One year, a mom brought her kids and they completely wrecked the event. The hostess has a very nice home with beautiful Christmas decor. Everything was relaxed but very nice. The kids starting dragging out legos and blocks, making a mess. People tried to be gracious and just deal, but it was awful. The kids took ornaments from the exchange and took gifts at the end, at their mother's urging. There weren't enough for the adults who brought ornaments to exchange and there weren't enough gifts at the end. The hostesses were scrambling to find things in the house to offer as gifts at the end. Consequently, that mom was never asked back. It wasn't that she was new to the group and didn't get it--she absolutely knew what she was doing and what she was allowing her kids to do. She didn't care. She felt she could do what she wanted and to heck with anyone else. So, now, the hostesses specify on the invite that it's for women 18 and over, excepting nursing infants. There's always someone, it seems, who goes out of their way to be a jerk. And because of that, I think it's perfectly ok to be very specific with who's invited and who isn't. was their last name Herdman? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) Usually I am pretty good at wording things in a nice way. But I'm blanking on a way to do this. I'm sending out an evite to a bunch of people we know, to invite them to a cocktail party at our house. Many of the people have kids, and they tend to assume kids are included in invitations. Well, most of the time kids are. Every family we are inviting has been to our house before, but usually in small groups and during the day. I can't accommodate a bunch of kids this time. And, I just don't want them. I know that etiquette states that only named people are included in the invitation. And "cocktail" should be a code word that means "adults only." But, with an electronic invitation it's not as clear who is invited as with a paper one. And, people will still make assumptions, especially people who don't have built-in babysitters, kwim? So... how the heck do I say this? Unfortunately, children cannot be accommodated at this event. This is an adults-only event. Leave the kids at home and come and enjoy an evening with your peers! Something like one of those? I think I like the last one best. Better to put a positive spin on it. Edited November 21, 2015 by TranquilMind 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I think it's fine to say "adults only". I'd assume a cocktail party is adults only but I guess some people don't. Just haven't been to one where kids were included. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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