momof4babes Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 My Neighbour has 2 kids 6 and 15 months. My older 2 kids go over a bit to play with the kids. They also do small tasks like organizing cupboards etc. A couple of times with notice, she has asked me to watch LO, and I have. Yesterday afternoon she rang my doorbell, and asked if I could watch the little one while she went to the store to do returns. I couldn't as my littlest was headed to a class within the hour. She then asked my older kids directly if they would come, and keep LO busy for her. About an hour later she texts me and says they are in a restaurant. I asked what they were doing ( snack/dinner)/how long they would be. She only texted that they wouldn't be too long as LO is not good in restaurants. I had dinner ready by that point. She bought my kids burgers and fries for dinner. Today she texted me that it was an expensive meal as she forgot her coat at the restaurant. Should I pay her for the kids meals? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I would suggest she go back to the restaurant and see if they still have her coat. 26 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 No. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I"m trying to figure this out. The kids were babysitting for free and she bought them dinner? You are asking if you should pay for the dinner you didn't order for them? If I have it correctly, no she bought them dinner. You were not involved. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 What would I think? I would think she just gave you clue that she's going to want you and/or your kids to watch her LO for little or no compensation. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 No, you should not pay for their meals. She was using them as free baby-minders/mother's helpers. A meal is compensation, sort of. If she can't be bothered to go back and check for her coat, that's her problem. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 She took your kids to a restaurant without talking to you about it first? No, you don't owe her anything. Does she ever pay your kids? I'd be careful with the casual babysitting going forward. Friends helping friends is great but this sounds like more than that? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 No. If you can treat them to something some other time. She then asked my older kids directly if they would come, and keep LO busy for her. About an hour later she texts me and says they are in a restaurant. She is getting way too close for my comfort. Boundaries! 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I would not take someone else's child to a restaurant without their permission. WTH?! I certainly would not reward her bad behavior by paying for meals that your kids didn't even need. You were fixing them dinner. It might have been a nice gesture if she had run it by you in the first place and you had not fixed dinner for them. She is a chaotic person, I can already tell. The more you tangle with her the more you are in for a wild ride. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Red-alert! Red-alert! This is something I'd nip in the bud yesterday. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I think I and my DC would be avoiding this neighbor. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I dunno, I just read this as the neighbor making a joke that the meal was expensive because of the coat. I wouldn't read into it any more than that unless she'd tied it to buying your kids' meal. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Wow. Can I have your kids come over and work for me for free? :glare: I don't even have a LO for you to watch. Seriously, don't pay for their meals, unless you charge HER for the food you wasted since she fed your kids dinner without telling you. I would never ever EVER expect someone to pay for anything I bought for their kids. Of course, I would also pay your kids for working in my house and being a mother's helper with the little one. And I would also pay YOU to babysit, unless we had a roughly-equal trade of casual kid-watching. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof4babes Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 She said she called the restaurant, and they didn't have it. It has been a source of frustration for me. There have been several bounds issues. Not sure if anyone remembers my posts about decks, and dogs. Lol My older kids are only 10, and 8. She has left them out front with LO who likes to run in the street.😖 She once asked me to watch LO while she ran inside for a quick minute. I explained that I had to cook dinner, but a few minutes was fine. 30 minutes later, I was still waiting. Last year my DS was over there, and we had to do grocery shopping. I went to get him, and she said he was fine there while we went. We came home about 45 minutes later to DS home alone. Her oldest had thrown a fit, and she told DS it was time to go. 😓 She hasn't paid them for babysitting, but she once paid DS $2 to organize her kitchen cupboards. She has gotten ice cream for them a couple times. I felt like she was hinting that she wanted me to pay for the meals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You and your kids need to not be available for this anymore. Don't leave your kids with her when you go out. 27 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'd respond with something like "I hate unexpected expenses like that.... coats should be on sale soon". No way I'd send over money for the meals she bought. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof4babes Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 You and your kids need to not be available for this anymore. Don't leave your kids with her when you go out.No, after last year I never do!The kids enjoy playing with her LOs, but I try to keep it to a minimum. One of many reasons we are looking for a house with property. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Run, don't walk, away from this neighbor. She is a user and will suck you dry. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 "No. We are not available." Shut the door. Rinse. Repeat. She's a vampire. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 There are a lot of red flags. In most relationships like this, I'd be putting some significant boundaries in place immediately. Howver (prepare for my bias), as the mother of a child who escaped from our locked (and deadbolted) house, ran into the street, and was hit by a truck, the day she left a toddler in the front yard with your children would have been the LAST time my children were ever with her or her kids without my supervision. Toddlers have no sense. And this one darts into the road? Even worse! And no, I wouldn't pay for their dinners. In fact, I'd be upset that she took them to a restaurant without discussing it with me first. Given your story, I wouldn't discuss it with her. I'd just stop being available, and, as mentioned above, my kids wouldn't be available to help her anymore even if I was. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'd tell her your dinner was expensive too since two portions didn't get eaten. And I'd stay away from her. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I would stay away from them completely. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 She said she called the restaurant, and they didn't have it. It has been a source of frustration for me. There have been several bounds issues. Not sure if anyone remembers my posts about decks, and dogs. Lol My older kids are only 10, and 8. She has left them out front with LO who likes to run in the street.😖 She once asked me to watch LO while she ran inside for a quick minute. I explained that I had to cook dinner, but a few minutes was fine. 30 minutes later, I was still waiting. Last year my DS was over there, and we had to do grocery shopping. I went to get him, and she said he was fine there while we went. We came home about 45 minutes later to DS home alone. Her oldest had thrown a fit, and she told DS it was time to go. 😓 She hasn't paid them for babysitting, but she once paid DS $2 to organize her kitchen cupboards. She has gotten ice cream for them a couple times. I felt like she was hinting that she wanted me to pay for the meals. She is doing these things for one simple reason -- because you keep allowing it. It's time to set and maintain some strict boundaries with this woman. And you should absolutely not offer to pay for the meals. If anything, you should be angry with her for taking your kids out to eat without your permission. Get tough! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Um. No. Not only has she already totally walked all over you and her kids, but you are putting your children in some very bad positions where they are being given responsibility that I think is too much for 10 and 8 year olds on their own with someone else's kids. She wants you to babysit? Nope, sorry. She wants your kids to babysit? Nope, sorry and she'd better be asking you instead of trying to do an end-run around you by asking your 10 and 8 year olds. She wants to run inside? She needs to take her kids with her. If necessary I would make things easier for her by taking your kids inside immediately so that they are not available at that moment. I would never ever ever send my kids over to a house where the adult does not give proper supervision. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 At first, when I read just the OP, I thought, "No, you shouldn't pay for the meal....and, I'd be pretty ticked that she didn't respond to your message with the information that you requested. That alone would have been enough for me to stop helping her." Now, reading all the other stuff you've had with her.....I would just stop being more than a "friendly wave" neighbor. You can't talk to people like this, because their sense of entitlement will never be breached by reality, so save yourself the drama and just be endlessly unavailable. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof4babes Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 I completely agree with what all of you have said. I just don't want to be on bad terms with the people whose front door is 10 ft from ours. With the way she reacted when other neighbours complained about the dogs pooping on their lawn. 😓 I'm patiently house hunting for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I don't think she took the kids to the restaurant; I think she brought food from the restaurant to them. She already overstepped her boyndaries when she went to a restaurant to eat dinner after she had stated she was going to the store, so I would never ever ever ever let my kids babysit for her again. In future dealings, I would be polite but that's all. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I dunno, I just read this as the neighbor making a joke that the meal was expensive because of the coat. I wouldn't read into it any more than that unless she'd tied it to buying your kids' meal.This is exactly what I was thinking. I'd probably text back with, "Oh no! Did you call the restaurant about it yet?" I would not pay for the meals. Sent from my VS985 4G using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Ok, so I just read the rest and have to agree with the others. Set clear boundaries and don't be available. She sounds like she has major boundary issues. :( Sent from my VS985 4G using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I completely agree with what all of you have said. I just don't want to be on bad terms with the people whose front door is 10 ft from ours. With the way she reacted when other neighbours complained about the dogs pooping on their lawn. 😓 I'm patiently house hunting for us. Why would you assume you have to be on bad terms with her? :confused: No one is saying you have to be mean to her, just that you should always be "too busy" when she wants something. If that doesn't work, you would need to be more direct at that point. I am trying to find a gentle way to say this, but it seems like you are making excuses for not cutting this woman out of your life. In your position, I would much prefer to be on what you deem "bad terms" with a woman like that than to have to deal with her on a regular basis. Obviously, you can decide otherwise. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 There are a lot of red flags. In most relationships like this, I'd be putting some significant boundaries in place immediately. Howver (prepare for my bias), as the mother of a child who escaped from our locked (and deadbolted) house, ran into the street, and was hit by a truck, the day she left a toddler in the front yard with your children would have been the LAST time my children were ever with her or her kids without my supervision. Toddlers have no sense. And this one darts into the road? Even worse! And no, I wouldn't pay for their dinners. In fact, I'd be upset that she took them to a restaurant without discussing it with me first. Given your story, I wouldn't discuss it with her. I'd just stop being available, and, as mentioned above, my kids wouldn't be available to help her anymore even if I was. I had to read your post a few times!!! What???? Praying your child recovered from this incident? How scary! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm sorry, but it sounds like she's taking advantage of the situation, and your kids. How old are your kids? Apparently old enough to babysit and be this mom's helper? Next time I saw her (ideally before she asks for something again) I would mention casually that the kids would love to start earning some money and were hoping they could do so babysitting? That way the next time she asks you have an open door to discuss for how long and how much will your kids get paid? Just a suggestion... ETA: and the meal deal? I really want to believe she wasn't hoping you would pay for it. I mean, she was the one who asked for your kids to come to help her! I'd just say I'm sorry she lost her coat. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof4babes Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 I don't think she took the kids to the restaurant; I think she brought food from the restaurant to them. She already overstepped her boyndaries when she went to a restaurant to eat dinner after she had stated she was going to the store, so I would never ever ever ever let my kids babysit for her again. In future dealings, I would be polite but that's all. :grouphug: Nope they ate at the restaurant. She only texted after they were already at the table. 😡 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof4babes Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 Why would you assume you have to be on bad terms with her? :confused: No one is saying you have to be mean to her, just that you should always be "too busy" when she wants something. If that doesn't work, you would need to be more direct at that point. I am trying to find a gentle way to say this, but it seems like you are making excuses for not cutting this woman out of your life. In your position, I would much prefer to be on what you deem "bad terms" with a woman like that than to have to deal with her on a regular basis. Obviously, you can decide otherwise. I have been neighbours with her for the last 2 years. I have had the chance to see her in many interactions with others. She doesn't take any kind of rejection well, and lashes out at others/ tells anyone who will listen about it. She also doesn't take to subtle hints. My choices are to confront her very directly, or leave it alone. My kids absolutely adore her little one, and I don't want to make it uncomfortable for them. She is the type of person that when you are talking to her, she gets right in your face. She doesn't seem to notice when people inch away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 She then asked my older kids directly if they would come, and keep LO busy for her. This is where I'd have a problem with her--well before the restaurant issue. You want my kids to leave the house and go somewhere with you? Ask me first! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mtomom Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I have been neighbours with her for the last 2 years. I have had the chance to see her in many interactions with others. She doesn't take any kind of rejection well, and lashes out at others/ tells anyone who will listen about it. She also doesn't take to subtle hints. My choices are to confront her very directly, or leave it alone. My kids absolutely adore her little one, and I don't want to make it uncomfortable for them. She is the type of person that when you are talking to her, she gets right in your face. She doesn't seem to notice when people inch away. That sounds really tricky. Would it work at all to tell her you've decided your kids aren't ready for sole childcare responsibility? That decision seems incredibly foolish/unwise. The rest just feels like she's a user--whether clueless or not. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Wait, she took your kids to a restaurant without asking you first? Did I miss something? Oh heck no! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Somehow I didn't catch that your kids went WITH her. I thought they were old enough to babysit and stayed with LO while Mom went running errands. What crazy person finds it easier to run errands with MORE kids? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Taking someone's children somewhere without their permission is kidnapping. She's taking advantage of you and your children and putting your children in dangerous situations. Who cares if she doesn't like you? Playing nice and letting her abuse you and yours because you're afraid to tell her no? What does that teach your kids? Let her walk all over you if you want, but stand up for your kids at least. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 In many states it's not legal to have a 10 year old babysit.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Nooooope. Nope nope nope nope nope. No more time with the kids for her. None whatsoever. "We are busy today." "Dd has things to do with me today." "No." "No." "No." And so on. You may have to pre-brief your kids, if you think she'll go around you. They should say, "I don't know, you should ask my mom." I think that if you are busy (so busy!) and very firm, she will eventually stop bugging you. I doubt very much that she'll ever ask what happened; she doesn't sound that, uh, caring. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof4babes Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 Somehow I didn't catch that your kids went WITH her. I thought they were old enough to babysit and stayed with LO while Mom went running errands. What crazy person finds it easier to run errands with MORE kids?My older kids are extremely helpful. I don't go shopping with the little 2 kids without them usually. With her, they are essentially babysitting with an adult present. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 My older kids are extremely helpful. I don't go shopping with the little 2 kids without them usually. With her, they are essentially babysitting with an adult present. Kudos to you for raising kids who are more mature than most at that age. My two oldest were helpful but I never preferred to take 4 kids when I could sneak out with just two. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I completely agree with what all of you have said. I just don't want to be on bad terms with the people whose front door is 10 ft from ours. With the way she reacted when other neighbours complained about the dogs pooping on their lawn. 😓 I'm patiently house hunting for us. No need to be on bad terms. Just come up with a script for when the requests come...maybe, "Gosh, I wish I could, but I can't. And hey, I'm running behind, see you later!" followed by frantic hustle into the house. Eventually, she'll give up. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I have been neighbours with her for the last 2 years. I have had the chance to see her in many interactions with others. She doesn't take any kind of rejection well, and lashes out at others/ tells anyone who will listen about it. She also doesn't take to subtle hints. My choices are to confront her very directly, or leave it alone. My kids absolutely adore her little one, and I don't want to make it uncomfortable for them. She is the type of person that when you are talking to her, she gets right in your face. She doesn't seem to notice when people inch away. So what if she doesn't take rejection well? So what if she gossips about you to the neighbors? So what if she lashes out? Why do you care? They probably don't like her any more than you do. Given the two choices you mentioned, I would choose the confrontation and get it over with. Your kids will live without playing with her little one, and there is no reason why they would be uncomfortable about any of this. I still think you need to work on saying no and being very firm. I don't think it necessarily needs to come down to a big dramatic confrontation. Just keep consistently saying no to her requests. You can't show the slightest weakness with that kind of person, because you have seen how she takes advantage. I'll be honest with you - I am nothing short of amazed that you allowed that woman to get away with taking your children with her, and the restaurant thing is appalling. Why are you tolerating these things? I don't know anyone who would put up with her garbage. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being harsh -- it's just that based on your description of her, the woman sounds toxic and potentially unstable. Do you really want your children around a person like that? 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Why would you assume you have to be on bad terms with her? :confused: No one is saying you have to be mean to her, just that you should always be "too busy" when she wants something. If that doesn't work, you would need to be more direct at that point. I am trying to find a gentle way to say this, but it seems like you are making excuses for not cutting this woman out of your life. In your position, I would much prefer to be on what you deem "bad terms" with a woman like that than to have to deal with her on a regular basis. Obviously, you can decide otherwise. I had a "user" neighbour when my DD was a toddler and DS was a baby. She figured I was always available for free and last minute babysitting as a SAHM. I suddenly "developed" some "uncontrolled health issues - bad headaches and whatnot" ( ;) ;) ) and got a busy social life - just headed out the door in about 20 minutes ( ;) ;) )until we moved away from there. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof4babes Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 She sounds very impulsive which is the opposite of the person I want in charge of my children. She tells you that she will "be right back" and takes 30 minutes. No telling if she did that at the restaurant to the children at the table. No. Just no. Distance your family. You are all right. I'm going to have a good talk with my kids, and try to put some distance. This will be much easier come Winter anyways. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 You are all right. I'm going to have a good talk with my kids, and try to put some distance. This will be much easier come Winter anyways. I think you are doing the right thing. Please don't think we were being critical of you -- we know it's hard to deal with a difficult neighbor and how awkward it can be. It's just that I think we were able to see more red flags than you were because we're distant from the situation and can be more objective about the big picture, while you deal with her all the time so you may be thinking more in terms of small annoyances and not adding it all together. You're right about it being easier now that it's getting colder outside and it will be easier to avoid her and to refuse her requests. Stay strong! :hurray: 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I completely agree with what all of you have said. I just don't want to be on bad terms with the people whose front door is 10 ft from ours. With the way she reacted when other neighbours complained about the dogs pooping on their lawn. 😓 I'm patiently house hunting for us. :grouphug: I truly do mean this with kindness and concern... but why are you OK with being upset with her, but not her possibly being upset with you? Especially with serious issues regarding your children's safety. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Setting boundaries is a good idea. If you need an out, say you have decided that you aren't going to allow your children to babysit other children without you being present until they are 13 and are compensated. If you are busy, they aren't able to help. Too risky given how activity the little ones are. I'm sure you feel your children are responsible for their age, but she doesn't need to know that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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