lovinmyboys Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 My kids have two sets of friends with stay at home (or homeschooling) dads. One has boys the same age as my older 3 and they all get along great. We have been hanging out recently and nothing was ever awkward, but then another homeschooling mom said something to me about it. Now, I feel weird about it. I kind of feel bad for the guy, because I don't think he is very included in homeschooling things. He is the only homeschool dad I know and I think it would be pretty lonely to not be included in stuff. Dh is totally fine with opposite sex friendships (although I am sure there is a point he wouldn't be ok with them). He works in a male dominated industry and it seems like he will always be assigned to work with the one female. So, he sometimes spends 70 hours a week working closely with a female. I have never had a problem with that. Is having a play date the same thing? Are some "hanging out" activities more appropriate than others? Is it ok to take our kids to the movies together? Go hiking? Go to the pool? Coffee shop? Park? Each other's houses? Dh is fine with all of that (assuming the kids are with us). But are some of those things more likely than others to give other people the wrong idea or get people gossiping? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I wouldn't worry about this. Really. Do what's right for you, your family, your marriage. I would hang out, and have play dates for the kids. I wouldn't see something that's not there, and I think I'd be annoyed by other moms who try to see something that's not there. YMMV. 37 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 People will gossip even when there's nothing inappropriate even in the wildest imagination going on. The only people whose opinions actually matter are yours, your DH's, the opposite-sex friend's, and that person's significant other. I'd say yes, when your get-togethers are motivated primarily by getting the kids together, it IS the same thing as your DH spending time with a coworker. Some people act like hens with a strange rooster in the henhouse when faced with a male in a nontraditional role (Such as SAHD). We are not chickens, we are human beings, capable of acting rationally. I'd tell the gossipers to go take a long walk off a short pier. 29 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 It depends on the community you are in. Half of my friends would think nothing of it. The other half would think hanging out anywhere even if the kids are present is inappropriate. As long as my dh didn't mind and his dw didn't mind I wouldn't worry about the gossipers. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Deleted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 As long as your husband is fine with it, you're fine with it, and your friend's wife is fine with it - that's all that matters. Well, I say that, but do be aware that the gossip can cause sour feelings. One of my good friends is a homeschool dad. His teenage son is great friends with my two boys and my daughter. Frankly, the dad is a great friend to me, too. They come over pretty frequently (to our house) to hang out. Me and dad hang out, while the kids hang out and play. I help him host/coordinate some of the local homeschool-teen dances that he puts together and he's my support when I have to speak in front of large groups (like when I put together the homeschool chess club, lol). My husband mentors his son when he's able to (his son is a freakin' engineering genius, lol). I am absolutely sure that there's gossip. Whatever. ETA: My husband has several women friends as well. These are generally women that he's known for 20+ years. In fact, there's one in particular that he meets for breakfast every other Saturday morning. She's lovely - she comes to our family gatherings and invites us to hers as well. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I think it's fine, but I also think it's wise to put certain safeguards in place. Whether that means getting together in a public place or always inviting a 3rd family along with you. That way there's less opportunity for gossip-- not that their opinions should matter, but I do think it's wise to not to put yourself i situations that could look bad. Also, if you (general you) are never alone, it's less likely you'd begin to develop feelings for the person. I don't think anyone goes into a situation thinking they would cheat on their spouse, but spending a lot of one on one time with someone and sometimes it happens. (Though I know in your situation you'd have kids all around) 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I agree with those who say as long as it's okay with your DH and homeschooling dad's DW then it's fine. But I'm not the type to worry over what other people might talk about. People will talk about all sorts of stuff. I'll have death bed regrets, but I hope none of them are about missed opportunities because I was worried about what someone might think. Pffft on that. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Do what works for your family. The only parent friends (people who are friends because of their kids) I've known to have affairs are all women. Limiting it to same sex wouldn't help that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Why does this stuff even matter to other people???? If those involved are fine with it then tell the others to take a flying leap. Would you prevent your children from having friends of the opposite sex??? I think the same applies here. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Having known several marriages that eventually broke up because one of the people spent a lot of time with a friend of the opposite sex, even though it was okayed by spouses, I'd be inclined to be more cautious. DesertBlossom's idea of involving a third family as a safeguard is great. If that's not possible, you can still make different choices in how you do things. If you take all the kids to the movies and sit right next to each other? Gossip fodder. If you are at or near opposite ends of a row of kids so there's an adult in shushing distance of each of them, but the adults aren't next to each other? Not so much. If you are at the pool and one of you is supervising the littles while the other supervises the bigs? No gossip. If you are sitting alone together chatting while the kids all play in the water? Gossip is more likely. Basically, if it looks like it could be a date, people will talk. That doesn't mean they won't talk even if it doesn't look like it could be a date, but it's less likely. Invite someone else into the equation so it looks like a fun, group time, not a date with kids along. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I don't care what people think. However oftentimes our friends can see things we cannot and I am careful not to dismiss advice from a trusted friend. If was going to participate in activities with SAHD I would be certain there was always a third family along. And I would watch boundaries very very carefully. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 As an adult who is fully capable of controlling myself, I would have no problem with the situation. 20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 When my grandparents got married, they got married really quickly because of the war. Of course, all the gossips said "Oh, you know, they had to get married, they were going to have a baby". When no baby appeared (my mother wasn't born until 1949), did the gossips shut up? Of course not! "Oh, you know, they had an abortion!" Which is silly, of course. The point is, the gossips will always find something to talk about. If you were to stop seeing this person except with your spouses there, then they'd say that you MUST have been having an affair, and now you feel guilty. Don't cut your friend out of your life if nobody involved - you, him, and your spouses - have a problem with this situation. Cut the gossips out instead. Those people are toxic. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livetoread Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I wouldn't worry about other people's opinion besides those directly involved. I would want to make sure though, that I was in a healthy enough place that I could recognize feelings in myself or him that might arise. That is not saying they will, but only you can recognize and deal with those feelings early if they do happen, and it would be normal if they did. I think affairs often happen because people refuse to stop the progression of feelings early enough. They aren't willing to acknowledge early on that they feel something more than casual friendship, and they quickly come to the point where they need the other person's attention. Once that need becomes too strong, it becomes extremely difficult to be honest with themselves. They start justifying and pretending that it's just a close friendship etc. because their needs overwhelm their good sense. So I would have no problem with hanging out etc. like you described, but that would only be if I was sure there was nothing else. Danger signs would be thinking about the other person when you aren't with them, turning to them for emotional support before your spouse, looking forward to being with them more than you used to, and so on. It's all about the ability to be honest with yourself and being willing to deal with it early on. Friendships with the opposite sex are great, but people need to be careful. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I wouldn't worry about other people's opinion besides those directly involved. I would want to make sure though, that I was in a healthy enough place that I could recognize feelings in myself or him that might arise. That is not saying they will, but only you can recognize and deal with those feelings early if they do happen, and it would be normal if they did. I think affairs often happen because people refuse to stop the progression of feelings early enough. They aren't willing to acknowledge early on that they feel something more than casual friendship, and they quickly come to the point where they need the other person's attention. Once that need becomes too strong, it becomes extremely difficult to be honest with themselves. They start justifying and pretending that it's just a close friendship etc. because their needs overwhelm their good sense. So I would have no problem with hanging out etc. like you described, but that would only be if I was sure there was nothing else. Danger signs would be thinking about the other person when you aren't with them, turning to them for emotional support before your spouse, looking forward to being with them more than you used to, and so on. It's all about the ability to be honest with yourself and being willing to deal with it early on. Friendships with the opposite sex are great, but people need to be careful. And also be alert that the SAHD was not developing those feelings either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Oh my gosh, I wouldn't care what some busy body said/thought at all. We've had homeschool dads in and out of our playgroups, etc and it's never been a big deal at all. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I was great friends with a SAHD and his wife before they moved away. Our kids were the same age and he didn't have many options for socializing because the other SAH moms avoided him (rooster/henhouse? Jealous spouses? who knows?). His wife and I got along great as well but couldn't see each other often due to her demanding job (she worked with my husband). Honestly, I don't see this as any different than being friends with the opposite sex in the workplace. Home and homeschooling is my workplace. If a colleague is a man, so be it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Having known several marriages that eventually broke up because one of the people spent a lot of time with a friend of the opposite sex, even though it was okayed by spouses, I'd be inclined to be more cautious. DesertBlossom's idea of involving a third family as a safeguard is great. If that's not possible, you can still make different choices in how you do things. If you take all the kids to the movies and sit right next to each other? Gossip fodder. If you are at or near opposite ends of a row of kids so there's an adult in shushing distance of each of them, but the adults aren't next to each other? Not so much. If you are at the pool and one of you is supervising the littles while the other supervises the bigs? No gossip. If you are sitting alone together chatting while the kids all play in the water? Gossip is more likely. Basically, if it looks like it could be a date, people will talk. That doesn't mean they won't talk even if it doesn't look like it could be a date, but it's less likely. Invite someone else into the equation so it looks like a fun, group time, not a date with kids along. I guess people like me who are bi just shouldn't leave the house, huh? :P Apparently people will gossip about me if I have any human contact. OP, I have all kinds of real life friends. Miraculously, I've managed to not have sex with any of them. ;) Anyone who would gossip about you behind your back about something like that isn't worth your time or your worry. 18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I wouldn't give a 2nd thought to perceptions. I would carefully monitor my own emotions in a relationship with a person an 'attractable' gender. For me, half the human race is made up of my 'attractable' gender -- but I don't want any kind of romance outside of my marriage. Therefore I need to be aware that close friendship among humans can shift towards romance with little warning (thanks subconscious psychology!) and make choices with wisdom and self-awareness. I've been friends with tons of guys, and only noticed hints of a problem a handful of times. Those times were easy to back off from because I caught the hint. It's not inevitable or universal -- it's occasional, but it's out there. Your hubby knows you can cope, and you know he can... It doesn't matter that busybodies like drama and (are halfway hoping) -- I mean, they are 'concerned' -- about the risk. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I wouldn't worry about what others think. I might even make a comment in the company of some of those moms about how hard and unfair it is for poor XY's kids to have play dates simply because their sahp is a male. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyMountain Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 As my kids were growing up I have known a few stay at home dads. It is a complete non issue for them to hang out with other moms. Parents just talk. It does not change the dynamic at all to have men there. Everyone knows that everyone is married. It is crazy to exclude a dad who stays home with their kids. How else would he and the kids get out if the house and do things with other kids. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 We live in an area where a higher than average number of people think it is weird to hang out with people of the opposite sex if you are married. Also, a lower than average number of stay at home dads. I think that is changing and my kids probably won't have the same issues in 25 years. I wanted to get a wider opinion than what I would get around here. Also, I don't actually want to go talking about him IRL. I do think sometimes the moms come off as rude. I think they are just trying to keep boundaries, but the boundaries exclude one person and that isn't very nice. The woman who said something just caught me so off guard I don't think I handled it well. She pretty much gave me a list of reasons why she knew our relationship was doomed to move into inappropriate territory. Her final reason was that my 3yr old was so comfortable with him that it wasn't a good sign. I told her that my 3yr old does spend time with him and really likes him. Not sure where she was going with that. We do see each other at group events. As for inviting someone else along I am open to that. The only thing is that between us there are 7 boys, so sometimes I feel like that is enough chaos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MFG Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 The woman who said something just caught me so off guard I don't think I handled it well. She pretty much gave me a list of reasons why she knew our relationship was doomed to move into inappropriate territory. Her final reason was that my 3yr old was so comfortable with him that it wasn't a good sign. I told her that my 3yr old does spend time with him and really likes him. Not sure where she was going with that. Well, I would definitely be looking into cutting someone out of my life, but it would not be the the homeschooling parent with whom I had a good relationship. What she said was incredibly intrusive and inappropriate. I would actively take steps to never again engage in one-on-one conversation with her. If she brought the topic up again, I would cut it off or walk away. 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Seven boys! LOL, if you were able to have an affair of any sort in that climate, that WOULD be worth talking about. Ignore the gossips. They have nothing interesting in their own lives, so they make trouble for everybody else. 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 People will gossip. You can't control that. All you can control is your own behavior. It has taken me decades to really understand that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 There are homeschool dads in our group of friends. There's one in my co-op where we currently only have three families so I see quite a lot of him. The whole question is just silly to me. I mean, I get that it isn't silly to others, but for me I wouldn't even need to check in about this with dh, just like I don't expect him to check in with me about all his female friends from acting. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Dh and I both have close friendships with people of the opposite gender. We hang out with those people individually on a frequent basis. And that does not even necessarily have anything to do with getting kids together or a work situation. They are just people. If you and your dh have clear boundaries and trust, there is nothing wrong with pursuing friendships with any other trusted person, IMO. I suppose people may gossip but that is not really your problem. We are not, however, conservative or religious so that may be a factor in your situation. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I would only do this with other women included, no one-on-one (even with the kids) activities with a HS dad. Sorry, hs dads. It does look inappropriate and it is better not to develop too much of a best-buddies relationship with men who are not DH. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I would have no problem with this. I would have a problem with the other mom. But then, I have male friends who are single, and that doesn't bother me either. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 It does look inappropriate and it is better not to develop too much of a best-buddies relationship with men who are not DH. Inappropriate, how? And why better not to develop friendships? That is not really a challenge, I just want to understand this better because I have heard this from others online (never IRL). My dh has had friendships with people I have been uncomfortable with....both male and female. When that has happened, we discuss it. In some cases he has been able to relieve my concerns. In other cases he has agreed to distance himself from the person in question, even if my concerns were nothing more than a "feeling." It has happened the other way as well. We respect each other enough to do that for one another. But it just seems a little strange to me to rule out half of the earth's populations as potential friends based on gender alone. Especially because I have been married for 18 years, have two very very close male friends, and have never once had any sort of attraction to any male friend. Out of curiosity, would it make a difference if the dad in question was homosexual and long-term partnered with the other father of the children in question? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I was great friends with a SAHD and his wife before they moved away. Our kids were the same age and he didn't have many options for socializing because the other SAH moms avoided him (rooster/henhouse? Jealous spouses? who knows?). His wife and I got along great as well but couldn't see each other often due to her demanding job (she worked with my husband). Honestly, I don't see this as any different than being friends with the opposite sex in the workplace. Home and homeschooling is my workplace. If a colleague is a man, so be it. No, it is not much different from collegues. However, I would not entertain close one-on-one friendships with male collegues, either. I understand how there could be settings where it is unavoidable; say you and your partner are working late overtime on the same project and everyone else has left the office. But I wouldn't make it a point to socialize individually with a male work collegue, both because of assumptions made by on-lookers and the fact that those on-lookers could actually be right. I have worked in law firms and a larger amount of people than I previously imagined developed inter-office affairs. When you spend a lot of time working with a potentially attractive collegue, and you don't keep a boundary in place that clearly defines them as strictly a collegue, it only takes a weak point in one or both marriages for the collegue to become more than that. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Out of curiosity, would it make a difference if the dad in question was homosexual and long-term partnered with the other father of the children in question? Or if it was a mom who was a lesbian? Maybe this is just how I think and how I've been in groups with GLBTQ people (including parents) forever that it doesn't even cross my mind that it's somehow more "dangerous" to be friends with someone of the opposite sex. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Inappropriate, how? And why better not to develop friendships? That is not really a challenge, I just want to understand this better because I have heard this from others online (never IRL). My dh has had friendships with people I have been uncomfortable with....both male and female. When that has happened, we discuss it. In some cases he has been able to relieve my concerns. In other cases he has agreed to distance himself from the person in question, even if my concerns were nothing more than a "feeling." It has happened the other way as well. We respect each other enough to do that for one another. But it just seems a little strange to me to rule out half of the earth's populations as potential friends based on gender alone. Especially because I have been married for 18 years, have two very very close male friends, and have never once had any sort of attraction to any male friend. Out of curiosity, would it make a difference if the dad in question was homosexual and long-term partnered with the other father of the children in question? I respect that many people do not share my POV on this topic; it is actually a topic I posted about before and saw that my view is not the most popular one. In my view, DH is my one chosen best friend of the male variety. (He is also my best friend of all my friends of any gender, but that is not an important point.) He is *the* person with whom I should share my closest connections. I have some interests that DH does not share. If I find another potentially attractable partner with whom to share those interests, I am building shared interests and an experiences bank with a non-DH potential partner. Shared interests and experiences lead to feelings of love. it is literally the instruction booklet for How To Fall In Love. ;) I do not think it is wise to build those shared experiences with a non-DH attractable partner. I would not want my DH to do this with a non-DW potential partner. We human types build strong bonds with people who share our interests and with whom we share experiences. I do not want DH forming bonds with another female in some area where I cannot intrude. In the given example, I would probably not avoid the friendship in the same way if it was a male homosexual marriage/committed relationship, because I would assume there was no potential for the guy to start considering going straight to be with me. ;) That said, most of the hsers I know are by way of my co-op, which is Christian and does not have homosexual families flocking to join. P.S. Above post brought to you by an inteovert who does not have a high felt need to develop friendships and "do stuff" a lot in the first place. I am becoming increasingly homebody over time and want less and less to be on the go, so this question is becoming practically moot. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Or if it was a mom who was a lesbian? Maybe this is just how I think and how I've been in groups with GLBTQ people (including parents) forever that it doesn't even cross my mind that it's somehow more "dangerous" to be friends with someone of the opposite sex. If the mom was a lesbian, my answer would still be not the same because I don't think I am likely to start being interested in going homo because my lesbian friend is pretty terrific. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 If the mom was a lesbian, my answer would still be not the same because I don't think I am likely to start being interested in going homo because my lesbian friend is pretty terrific. But you wouldn't be able to control yourself around a man just because he's male? 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 But you wouldn't be able to control yourself around a man just because he's male? Yeah, I guess that's how I think of it. I figure we can all control ourselves fine. Don't get me wrong... I respect that others feel differently and have different boundaries in their marriages. I just have trouble personally relating. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I'm not in the habit of shunning other homeschool parents just because they are dads. My son's best friend's father is the primary caregiver in the home. My husband knows that I am not running around on him so what other people think is irrelevant to me. By the same token one of my best platonic friends is also a dude so this isn't new territory for us, lol. I don't get the argument that things might happen as though without the full responsibility of the parties involved. No, if something happens it is an active choice, not something that one fell into by accident. I am in charge of my own actions and do not need to fear that I will break my vows. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I respect that many people do not share my POV on this topic; it is actually a topic I posted about before and saw that my view is not the most popular one. In my view, DH is my one chosen best friend of the male variety. (He is also my best friend of all my friends of any gender, but that is not an important point.) He is *the* person with whom I should share my closest connections. I have some interests that DH does not share. If I find another potentially attractable partner with whom to share those interests, I am building shared interests and an experiences bank with a non-DH potential partner. Shared interests and experiences lead to feelings of love. it is literally the instruction booklet for How To Fall In Love. ;) I do not think it is wise to build those shared experiences with a non-DH attractable partner. I would not want my DH to do this with a non-DW potential partner. We human types build strong bonds with people who share our interests and with whom we share experiences. I do not want DH forming bonds with another female in some area where I cannot intrude. In the given example, I would probably not avoid the friendship in the same way if it was a male homosexual marriage/committed relationship, because I would assume there was no potential for the guy to start considering going straight to be with me. ;) That said, most of the hsers I know are by way of my co-op, which is Christian and does not have homosexual families flocking to join. P.S. Above post brought to you by an inteovert who does not have a high felt need to develop friendships and "do stuff" a lot in the first place. I am becoming increasingly homebody over time and want less and less to be on the go, so this question is becoming practically moot. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I do feel bad for the SAHD pioneers that may be getting shut out of group opportunities. It is still pretty uncommon in my circle but there is one lone SAHD that was part of our "playgroup" when the kids were smaller. It never occurred to any of us to not include their family. He always brought the best treats anyway.... But I wonder what does happen to men in places where this might happen. Like in a Christian co-op where SAHDs would be unusual but probably not nonexistent combined with a culture that discourages men and women from hanging/working/chatting together. What is that guy supposed to do? Actually, what is that guy's kids supposed to do? Not that is really anyone else's responsibility. It just seems sort of....mean...I guess. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 If the mom was a lesbian, my answer would still be not the same because I don't think I am likely to start being interested in going homo because my lesbian friend is pretty terrific. Have you ever seen Ruby Rose? I think she could make any woman gay. ;) http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2014/7/25/1406315570831/7d5c1eda-29a3-420e-86f8-6da0f5703060-2060x1236.jpeg I'm wondering though (and I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm genuinely curious) what you would recommend to someone like me who is attracted to men AND women. Would you really think I shouldn't have any friends at all? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Btervet Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 It must be so lonely to be a SAHD. The fact that this is even a concern is depressing to me. I wouldn't even think twice about it. Friends are friends, not love interests. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I wouldn't shut out a SAHD. I would just have a third family involved. These discussions always come down to one side saying, " well I don't know about you but I can can control myself/ my marriage is built on trust/ my spouse trusts me. ". That is great. Probably no one who ever said any of those things ended up with an affair in their marriage. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I do feel bad for the SAHD pioneers that may be getting shut out of group opportunities. It is still pretty uncommon in my circle but there is one lone SAHD that was part of our "playgroup" when the kids were smaller. It never occurred to any of us to not include their family. He always brought the best treats anyway.... But I wonder what does happen to men in places where this might happen. Like in a Christian co-op where SAHDs would be unusual but probably not nonexistent combined with a culture that discourages men and women from hanging/working/chatting together. What is that guy supposed to do? Actually, what is that guy's kids supposed to do? Not that is really anyone else's responsibility. It just seems sort of....mean...I guess. But people are not talking about excluding the SAHD from groups. Or did I miss that? Back when I had a playgroup, there was a SAHD in it. It was all fine; he and his kids were welcome; we all talked and chatted and shared snacks and such. But I wouldn't have considered going out for coffee alone with him. There's nothing "mean" about that. Just like my husband has male and female coworkers; they go out to lunch, sometimes they'll stop for a beer after work or meet for breakfast beforehand as a group. But he's not going out to breakfast alone with one of the women. Or, we have friends of both sexes at church we talk to and hang out with, but I'm not going out to lunch alone with one of the men. It's not a matter of a lack of self-control; it's a matter of respect for each other as spouses and for our relationship. Like Quill, I don't expect everyone to understand or agree. These are the boundaries we set for our relationships. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 These discussions always come down to one side saying, " well I don't know about you but I can can control myself/ my marriage is built on trust/ my spouse trusts me. ". That is great. Probably no one who ever said any of those things ended up with an affair in their marriage. Being paranoid about everyone of the opposite sex your spouse comes into contact with certainly isn't going to help a marriage, though. No marriage is 100% affair-proof, but trusting your spouse and knowing that your spouse trusts you can't hurt. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaConquest Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Have you ever seen Ruby Rose? I think she could make any woman gay. ;) http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2014/7/25/1406315570831/7d5c1eda-29a3-420e-86f8-6da0f5703060-2060x1236.jpeg I'm wondering though (and I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm genuinely curious) what you would recommend to someone like me who is attracted to men AND women. Would you really think I shouldn't have any friends at all? Gotta watch out for us. We'll sleep with anything that breathes. ;) DH and I hang out with opposite sex friends all the time, though he knows I'm more likely to leave him for a woman than a man. ;) 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 But people are not talking about excluding the SAHD from groups. Or did I miss that? Back when I had a playgroup, there was a SAHD in it. It was all fine; he and his kids were welcome; we all talked and chatted and shared snacks and such. But I wouldn't have considered going out for coffee alone with him. There's nothing "mean" about that. Our playgroups were small. There were frequently just two parents that might show up to the coffee shop, pool, or park because an illness was going around.....or life. So that happened regularly without anyone intending it to. Or we are all sitting around during a playgroup and I suggest a trip to a local holiday play and ask who else is interested....SAHD is the only one (true story) so we went together and took our kids. No prob. We even sat next to each other because tall people sat in front of our kids' original seats. The only way to have avoided these situations is to not include someone who could not be alone with another adult (in this case, the dad) from the group. And I didn't mean intentionally "mean," I just meant that for all the uphill SAHDs deal with, this is just another slap. I am all for people doing what they are comfortable with. And I have learned some things reading this thread about why some people avoid friendships with the opposite sex. I do not share those concerns but do not begrudge those that do. I am just typing aloud about how this fits into our changing world. It seems really foreign to me and I would like to understand it better in case I ever run across it in my own life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Being paranoid about everyone of the opposite sex your spouse comes into contact with certainly isn't going to help a marriage, though. No marriage is 100% affair-proof, but trusting your spouse and knowing that your spouse trusts you can't hurt. That is quite a leap you just made. Having boundaries about the opposite sex is a far cry from being paranoid. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 That is quite a leap you just made. Having boundaries about the opposite sex is a far cry from being paranoid. But isn't the whole point of having those boundaries that you're worried about your spouse or yourself having an affair? Why have boundaries with whichever sex you're attracted to if you have zero concern about an affair on either side? Perhaps I'm missing something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 But isn't the whole point of having those boundaries that you're worried about your spouse or yourself having an affair? Why have boundaries with whichever sex you're attracted to if you have zero concern about an affair on either side? Perhaps I'm missing something. Part of the reason for the boundaries is so that no one has to be worried. But maybe some of you have never seen two families wrecked because people didn't have any boundaries and an inappropriate relationship "happened." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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