Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 XH was "not happy with the tone" of conversation with DD1 tonight. So he is not coming to see DD2 on her birthday. She will be beyond devastated. They've been telling everyone for weeks.I suspect it's money issues but he's blaming us.He's so awful... I hate exposing them to this. Luckily they have a kind and loving step dad. --- Thanks for everyone's positive thoughts. After Sunday, and a few passive-aggressive texts from his side, I let it go. But Monday I had a weird dream in which he was happy. He's a very unhappy person and I was afraid it meant he was dead. Anyway, I got this creepy feeling so I texted to ask if he was coming Tuesday (since the whole time I had been writing, "The kids know it's hard but they are still hoping you can come"). He said no, "you all probably wish I'm dead" blah blah blah. Then he texted that I had estranged DD#1 from him. Whatevs, pal. I texted to say the kids were still looking forward to seeing him though they understood his job kept him far away at times. Well, this morning he texted and said to meet him this evening as he would be here for one day. I'm not sure if he got on Space A (military fly free in space available) or standby or what, but the kids see him for a day. All they knew up to this point was that it was hard for daddy to come but he finally made it. They're super happy and I am happy for them. I really appreciate all the great advice on neutral language to use regarding his flip-floppiness. It has really helped me deal with the stress of answering their questions which has made this whole week less difficult for all of us. Also, my mom and my SIL and my sister all are able to take them for a bit so they've gotten to do shopping, hiking, horseback riding, going to the park, etc. for their vacation. I am feeling very grateful overall. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I'm sorry - that's really hard. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 That really, really stinks! Anne 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Boo. That sucks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 EIther do the job properly or don't do it at all. Flip flopping is the hardest. :grouphug: 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I'm so sorry. How very cruel. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 That is awful. Prayers and hugs for your DD. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 :grouphug: I'm glad you and step-dad are there for your kids, 'cause yes, it is hard when parents let you down. :grouphug: And I totally get the why of being divorced from someone like that. For years I blamed my mom... now I wish I could go back and change that. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I'm so sorry. I watched a scenario like this happn with my nephews. He would get all Good Daddy for a month, get them hopeful that they would go to some fun event or something and then, BOOM. He would disappear. I know it was harmful to those boys. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 That's terrible 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I'm so sorry. What an awful man. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 how awful and very cruel. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 What an ass. My ex was the same way. He would start an argument with me, then decide he couldn't subject ds to his anger, and not show up. Then he would blame it on me. Ds ended up seeing him for what he was, and flatout refused to see him after he was around 12. He hasn't talked to him since, except for an email message telling him why. Ex still blames me. :huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I am so, so sorry. My step dd' s "real" mom did this stuff and f2f always blamed me. It is so not fair to the parent who really cares. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I'm sorry :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I knew a man whose dad was like this. It could still bring him to tears in his 50's. Ugh. Your poor daughter. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 That stinks so badly. And you cannot fix it, which stinks even more. Your poor DD. And I know it hurts you, too. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all of you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I knew a man whose dad was like this. It could still bring him to tears in his 50's. Ugh. Your poor daughter. A man in his 60's my Sunday School class broke into tears last year when relationships with fathers came up, His dad was very erratic about time spent with him. He changed his mind constantly and canceled weekends together all the time. Missed quite a few birthdays and his High School graduation even though he had promised. It left the man very insecure. He internalized all that rejection as coming from a flaw in himself, not having a flaky, irresponsible, insensitive father. Even as an adult with grown children it still rips him up inside. Why can't parents realize the kind of damage they are doing? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 This is exactly why DS has never had health insurance - the state would require opening a support/custody case against a man who has been gone almost 8 years. I cannot take the chance that he would become wishy washy. In our case, mental health trumps possible physical emergencies. My heart hurts for your daughters :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 And I love how he plays the sisters off each other. He claims he didn't like the 'tone' from DD1 and punishes DD2 for it. That's like next level douchbaggery I am sorry. I grew up with this and it is hard. The only saving grace was that it was so obvious what was going on (my father would send over 3 christmas presents and he had 4 kids) that it was impossible to take it personally. I hope your kids get to a similar place soon. They are smart, they will figure it out soon, and it will be his loss 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 And I love how he plays the sisters off each other. He claims he didn't like the 'tone' from DD1 and punishes DD2 for it. That's like next level douchbaggery Definitely, that is not garden variety jackass dad. That's advanced. I am so sorry. Ultimately, I hope they realize that it's not their fault or their problem at all. He's the loser. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 EIther do the job properly or don't do it at all. Flip flopping is the hardest. :grouphug: This is exactly my philosophy, and what led to my 19 year old growing up without any abandonment issues despite a bio father who doesn't acknowledge her at all. I pout my foot down when she was a toddler and told him to be a stable presence or stay away, and he chose to stay away. She grew up without any expectations and that was his gift to her. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 And good for you for divorcing him. Not only did you make your life better, you made life a lot better for your girls in the long term. The only thing worse than this would be having to live with this jerk 24/7. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Sorry to hear that. These kinds of situations are why I get so frustrated with Christians who take a "divorce is always wrong" attitude. Not every marriage can or should be saved. Sometimes divorce is the least bad option. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 This is exactly why DS has never had health insurance - the state would require opening a support/custody case against a man who has been gone almost 8 years. I cannot take the chance that he would become wishy washy. In our case, mental health trumps possible physical emergencies. My heart hurts for your daughters :( Oh god, so sorry. You cannot demand full residence and just not tell DS? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I am so sorry, Binip. :( Sounds like divorcing that idiot is the best thing you ever did for you and your kids. What a rotten thing for him to do. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I am so sorry. And livid on your behalf. I'm glad they have you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 And good for you for divorcing him. Not only did you make your life better, you made life a lot better for your girls in the long term. The only thing worse than this would be having to live with this jerk 24/7. My exact thoughts last night. At least this is only twice a year. It was almost daily--slamming doors, leaving, being gone for weeks, walking away from the kids at events--when we were together. And on top of this nonsense, stepkids' mom is facing financial issues with student debt and choice of career that for the third time in their lives means she's ceding residence to dad. Not as outright crappy but utterly preventable (guess what lady, literally millions of women and men find ways to single parent on a low budget, yes it's hard but DUDE find a flipping apartment). I think she doesn't want to live in low-cost housing. Whatever. One thing we are so lucky with is to have one another. We can be the great family these kids need. Last night he wrote a cryptic message asking when DD2 would arrive. Arrangements are on you, bud. Also I'm not participating in abuse via withdrawal of love / playing favorites. Wish me luck with the CYA obligatory, I will let you know when I get the ticket confirmation #s email. And yes I keep all the records. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 That stinks. I'd tell her right away so you could plan something fun that he can't ruin. I'd tell her he "can't" come because of his own issues. What a creep, I'm sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 Ugh. Just texted that the kids are expecting him here as planned. He said tell them he's coming every two years. I hate to lie but I might stretch the truth and say that his job requires him to be on call and no determined leave. I kind of hate to do that as I don't want them to hate the military... Lots of good scholarships. But I cannot bear to tell them the truth. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I agree, I wouldn't tell them the truth. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 No matter what you decide, :grouphug: . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhotoGal Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I would tell them the truth. Or have him tell them if there was any way he would do it. So sorry you are going through this. :( 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 His truth is, he loves all of us but we are so awful he has to treat us this way. No way will I expose them to that more than he already does. The real truth is he has some kind of PTSD and is a narcissistic sociopath with hoarding tendencies that make him financially and emotionally unstable. I am not going to say that, either. The question is, total uncertainty, or an excuse that allows him to come in and out with them maintaining low expectations. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 Btw put of likes, so thanks for letting me vent and for the hugs, everyone. Skl I ran out on your post... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 That stinks. I'd tell her right away so you could plan something fun that he can't ruin. I'd tell her he "can't" come because of his own issues. What a creep, I'm sorry. Yes, but I would phrase it that he 'chooses' not to come, because he can come, he just chooses not to. There is a way that you can explain it to them, without placing blame, but putting the responsibility on him. They will come to see it for what it is. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I would tell them that their DH has some emotional health problems and makes bad choices, that it is his problem that he acts in cruel and unfair ways. Phrased however fits your dd's ages. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 I don't even know that he is in control of himself. I think making it seem like a choice will add to the uncertainty and angst. Like, the whole time he might come, so they will keep hoping. If they believe it is the military, it is effectively a "no". The uncertainty amounts to torture. They will eventually learn it's not the military. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 It always boggles my mind when I hear about people acting this way with their own kids. So sorry you have to deal with the fallout. :( 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhotoGal Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I would tell them the truth so they don't eventually blame themselves. And talk to them about how sometimes people don't do what they say they will do, and that can be very disappointing to the people around them. You also want to be the person they can trust and knowing that you are being honest with them will go a long way. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I'm not sure how old your girls are as I can't see signatures on my phone. Do they understand that he is mentally ill? I'd go that route to explain his jack ass behavior if they are old enough to get it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 I appreciate the sentiments. I think in the context of divorce, telling children their dad is mentally ill is inappropriate. I have explained that his sadness comes from inside and that parents love their kids even when the parents don't make sense. The military excuse, the job excuse, takes personal blame out of the equation. It is not my job to tell them their dad is a jerk. I believe that brings them into the marriage issues which is wrong. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 What is he telling them? I was 11 when my parents divorced and I lived with my dad by choice since he kept the farmhouse where I grew up and that's where my ponies/horses were. There was no way I wanted to move into the nearby small city with my mom. My dad then told me all about the breakup - how it was my mom's fault (many untrue details here), how she never cared for me and didn't want me in the first place, and how he loved me, etc, etc, etc. At 11 one believes what they are told - well, I did. I put up with tons of stuff my dad did thinking it was totally normal. Actually, I didn't put up with tons of it, I learned to get around it, but that's beside the point. I did fall for everything he said about my mom. I refused to visit her unless I absolutely had to. I was a young terror when I had to visit her - or the silent treatment. It wasn't until I was in my senior year of high school that I left my dad and moved in with my mom - with a bit of trepidation to be honest - but dad had become too much to live with even for me. Mom was AWESOME and never said a thing - not one thing. She helped me visit colleges and get off to college. In COLLEGE one of my majors was Psych... and in my Abnormal Psych class I found they did a whole section about my dad... ok, so it wasn't literally about him in person, but it matched to a T. Only then did my eyes open up to the whole blasted thing. There was nothing my mom could have done or said before then - cause as a youngster I knew it all already (dad had told me, of course). I've since gone back and asked her how she handled it all. We missed many years together and I was a jerk (to say the least). All she said was she hoped I would find out the truth someday and she was very accepting when I'd had enough of dad. We have a great relationship now - but I regret missing those years. Don't let your ex instill "the truth" with your kids first. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Yes, but I would phrase it that he 'chooses' not to come, because he can come, he just chooses not to. There is a way that you can explain it to them, without placing blame, but putting the responsibility on him. They will come to see it for what it is. I think we're talking about a 5yo here. I feel if she hears that he "chooses" not to come, she will feel it is because of something she has done or something bad about her. If he "can't" come, then she won't blame herself. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Here's how I handled it. When my dd was under 10, I told her that her bio father knew he wasn't able to be a regular part of her life because he was still growing up, and he wanted her to have a stable life with her adopted dad and me. I phrased it as a conscious choice he made for her best interests. When she was about 10, I gave him the chance to re-enter her life if he was ready. He responded with fresh resolve to not be a part of her life and I was so upset! I gently told my daughter that I had given him this opportunity to reconsider his choice and he declined, and emphasized it was his problem, not hers. When he got into her late teens I shared a little more about what kind of person he had been to let her know that he was full of drama and would not have been a positive influence in her life. When she graduated she explored the idea of sending him an announcement but I counseled her to only do it if she could maintain NO expectations, and also warned that he was good at making promises he couldn't keep. I also told her that if he wanted to get to know her, he could make the first move, but as of yet all we have heard is that he has forbidden his parents from mentioning he and that's a pretty good sign that he isn't ready or willing. Maybe it's shame, but more likely it's just a sign that he's not father material. (Incidentally, he now is married with a kid, and that didn't prompt him to reconsider. His loss!) My daughter stays in contact with his parents and sister, and we are close to his cousin. She has seen interviews of him online so she knows what he looks like and his voice. We have his family tree information and she is welcomes into his extended family (everyone but him). If I had to do it again, I would do the exact same thing. There were YEARS that I worried that if he DID want to be in her life he was too scared of me to try, but it has worked out wonderfully. She was spared his drama and doesn't think she missed out on anything. Now that she is 19 it is all up to her if she initiates contact, but I would encourage her to go through a 3rd party to gauge his interest before she really made any sort of move. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I appreciate the sentiments. I think in the context of divorce, telling children their dad is mentally ill is inappropriate. I have explained that his sadness comes from inside and that parents love their kids even when the parents don't make sense. The military excuse, the job excuse, takes personal blame out of the equation. It is not my job to tell them their dad is a jerk. I believe that brings them into the marriage issues which is wrong. I still would not lie. Maybe just say, "he can't come," without giving a reason. I think saying he is a jerk, or dumping angst on them is certainly inappropriate. If he is actually mentally ill and they are old enough to understand that without worrying, then it is a factual matter, not an angry characterization. As a foster parent I have dealt with children who have mentally ill parents and I think understanding that has by and large been better for the children then not understanding why there is the behavior there is. It needs to be within age appropriateness, and with sensitivity to the child's needs to understand, not the adult's need to vent. Of course if they are removed it is clear something is wrong, and often there are therapists to help with the explaining. If a parent does not actually love a child, that too can be better to know than not to know even if it hurts. If your xh isn't actually mentally ill and you were just venting your feelings about him, then it would be inappropriate to tell your children that he is mentally ill--and in fact could be taken to be illegal slander. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 I think we're talking about a 5yo here. I feel if she hears that he "chooses" not to come, she will feel it is because of something she has done or something bad about her. If he "can't" come, then she won't blame herself. Yes. Too young to get that a dad could make a choice not related to her. I have full residence. The message they hear is from me. Their dad rarely calls--he says it's their job to call. So I have double responsibility to send a neutral message. He is in the military. He will not get a diagnosis or share with me if he does have one. So yes telling them my opinion of him would be slander. I really am not going there. The kids will either receive no information or a very censored, gentle version that gives them a comforting narrative to allow them to believe that it is nobody's fault (for now) because it is not under our control. "Here is why your dad did something wrong" is not okay. I will not participate in an information war with the kids' minds as the battlefield. My goal is to sheild them from the battle he is fighting, not to join in and win. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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