What do you think of this email?

[Meadowlark]

So, we had 45 minutes or so to kill and couldn't go home because the cleaning people were there, so I called my mom who lives in town if we could come visit. She said they weren't home but I was welcome to bring my 2 girls there anyway.

 

We were there all of about 30 minutes and I went around and put away the few toys that my girls got out. I did use the bathroom for a few minutes, and helped my 3 yr. old while my almost 2 year old played with toys. Well, apparently, my mom was upset about how I left things. I got this email:

 

"Know you are welcome here anytime but please clean up after the kids. There was dirt from the plant base and smeared on the floor in the bar area. I also would appreciate putting things back where they were. I know they are little children but when I am not here I would appreciate that consideration. Thanks!"

 

Well, okay. My mom and I have issues and sometimes the tone in an email can be misinterpreted. I DID go around and put the toys away that my girls played with, which wasn't very much. I really have no idea what she's talking about with that. It really could only have been 1-2 toys, and even then, not put back exactly where they were found. I truly did make a sincere effort to leave their house just as I found it. And, the plant thing must have happened when I was in the bathroom because I certainly didn't notice it. I may be a lot of things, but inconsiderate is not one of them, and it hurts to be implied as such.

 

So, how would you feel if you got this email? Do you think this is a typical grandmotherly like response? Dh and I were talking about it, and there is just no way HIS mom would 1) be bothered by a few toys out of place or 2) feel the need to point it out.

 

Again, our relationship is tumultuous so I need an objective opinion on the tone of this email.

[gingersmom]

Sounds like my mother!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I would say, but only to myself, "And this is why I don't even come over when you're not home and rarely when you are." And roll my eyes. I think I wouldn't bother replying.

 

DH is right. His mother, if she wouldn't comment on a smudge of dirt and two improperly positioned toys, is a normal grandma.

[zoobie]

I would say, but only to myself, "And this is why I don't even come over when you're not home and rarely when you are." And roll my eyes. I think I wouldn't bother replying.

 

DH is right. His mother, if she wouldn't comment on a smudge of dirt and two improperly positioned toys, is a normal grandma.

I agree with Tibbie. And I wouldn't go back with the kids for a good, long while. What an irksome email!

[SKL]

It sounds a little harsh, but if the kids made a mess, I understand her wanting their mom to clean it up.  I know you didn't see it, but your mom apparently felt it was obvious.  ;)  I would just blow this one off and check a little closer the next time you visit.

 

My parents aren't crabby about their grandkids; in fact, my dad used to insist that I *not* clean up after my kids (though I did it anyway).  However, one time my dad beckoned me to go upstairs and see what my kids had done in the bathroom.  They had taken a deodorant stick and shredded it on the grates of a heater vent on the floor.  (Don't ask me what put that idea into their heads.)  I was pretty horrified.  My dad said he wasn't upset and I shouldn't punish the kids, but he felt I needed to know they did that.

 

I know that as my parents get older, it is a literal pain for them to have to pick or wipe things up, especially since they keep injuring themselves.  I think I'd be glad to know if there was something I could do to make it easier on them.

[Slartibartfast]

My mum wouldn't say it, but idk, I'd be tempted just to say - Sorry about the plant dirt mom, I didn't see that. Will do! - and leave it there.

 

I would say something similar. My mom and my MIL are not unreasonable so I can't imagine that happening but if it did I would apologize and be more careful.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

It sounds a little harsh, but if the kids made a mess, I understand her wanting their mom to clean it up.  I know you didn't see it, but your mom apparently felt it was obvious.  ;)  I would just blow this one off and check a little closer the next time you visit.

 

My parents aren't crabby about their grandkids; in fact, my dad used to insist that I *not* clean up after my kids (though I did it anyway).  However, one time my dad beckoned me to go upstairs and see what my kids had done in the bathroom.  They had taken a deodorant stick and shredded it on the grates of a heater vent on the floor.  (Don't ask me what put that idea into their heads.)  I was pretty horrified.  My dad said he wasn't upset and I shouldn't punish the kids, but he felt I needed to know they did that.

 

I know that as my parents get older, it is a literal pain for them to have to pick or wipe things up, especially since they keep injuring themselves.  I think I'd be glad to know if there was something I could do to make it easier on them.

 

She did clean up after the kids, and is consciously considerate as a matter of habit and of character (according to the OP). What more could she do, short of measuring, marking, or otherwise noting the exact condition of every item in her mother's house before she lets the kids in the front door?

 

I ask because my own MIL once sent me a very, very detailed drawing of each floor of her home, with literally every item marked, with a KEY to show which items the kids could touch and which they could not touch (often the two would be side by side on a tabletop) and which pillow they could sit on and which they couldn't, which plastic cup....it was batspit crazy. My kids had never even been to her house, as we lived a thousand miles away, and were aged 3 months to 4 years old at the time of the planned upcoming visit.

 

Which never happened.

[AndyJoy]

I'm sorry. *Hugs* I can't even imagine my mom being that petty.

[Slartibartfast]

She did clean up after the kids, and is consciously considerate as a matter of habit and of character (according to the OP). What more could she do, short of measuring, marking, or otherwise noting the exact condition of every item in her mother's house before she lets the kids in the front door?

 

I ask because my own MIL once sent me a very, very detailed drawing of each floor of her home, with literally every item marked, with a KEY to show which items the kids could touch and which they could not touch (often the two would be side by side on a tabletop) and which pillow they could sit on and which they couldn't, which plastic cup....it was batspit crazy. My kids had never even been to her house, as we lived a thousand miles away, and were aged 3 months to 4 years old at the time of the planned upcoming visit.

 

Which never happened.

 

That's crazy. My default is to assume someone isn't crazy but I have never experienced a person like you are describing. They would meet me, note my chaotic nature and never want to hang out with me again.

 

My mom and my MIL are both reasonable so if I got an email like being described I would figure I missed something.

[MysteryJen]

I would have been really upset to get that email. I tried really hard to pick up when my kids were little, and even now we don't leave until the kitchen is clean.

Does she address other guests like this?

 

My dad never would clean the sliding glass door after we left because it made him happy to see the little fingerprints.

 

I would take that email as an excuse to take a break from going to grandma's house.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

That's crazy. My default is to assume someone isn't crazy but I have never experienced a person like you are describing. They would meet me, note my chaotic nature and never want to hang out with me again.

 

My mom and my MIL are both reasonable. 

 

There's definitely something wrong with MIL. I keep 1000 miles between us at all times, not because I'm as likely to lose my mind as I kept doing when I was younger, but because she is prone to seriously embarrassing and upsetting her grandchildren and I'm not going to let her do it to my boys.

 

I'm sure she means well, I'm saying that genuinely as she certainly used to be mean, but in recent years she has become extremely loving in her intent. It still comes out hurtful or scary, though.

 

:(

 

Anyway. I'm for humoring the quirks and keeping relationships where possible, but part of doing that is not responding to petty remarks like the OP's MIL makes. It goes smoother to just roll the eyes and go on, when (A) it's not bad enough to cut ties over and (B) you know she's never going to change.

[applethyme]

I would take it as a sign that she doesn't want little people to visit.  I would also think she was being mean spirited and petty.

[T'smom]

Oh, I have gotten an email like that. Supposedly, I had left a poopy diaper in her trash can. (I didn't- the diaper I put in the trash was actually not even wet- I only changed the diaper because I was putting a swim diaper on the baby) I borrowed something a couple of times that she said I did not charge after using, but my BIL told her that he had seen it plugged in, apparently it plug was lose and would come out after awhile. Anyway, I get it. I was really irritated. Not only did we get emails about these, she also complained about me to other people. There's nothing really to do except say "sorry" and let it roll off your back.

[SKL]

I ask because my own MIL once sent me a very, very detailed drawing of each floor of her home, with literally every item marked, with a KEY to show which items the kids could touch and which they could not touch (often the two would be side by side on a tabletop) and which pillow they could sit on and which they couldn't, which plastic cup....it was batspit crazy. My kids had never even been to her house, as we lived a thousand miles away, and were aged 3 months to 4 years old at the time of the planned upcoming visit.

 

Which never happened.

 

In the older generations, this might not be as off the wall as it sounds today.  When we visited my older grandma, there were similar rules.  There was maybe one place I was allowed to sit, and I had to keep my hands in my lap, because everything in the living room was off limits.  And my mom hated going over there with young kids, because she had to watch them like a hawk while trying to help prepare dinner and clean the kitchen.  She tells a story of a time when my brother touched a piece of furniture and my grandma complained that he'd left a mark on it.  My mom swears the furniture was already so dirty that my brother's finger only made a mark by cleaning some of the dirt off.  LOL.  Anyhoo.  I think things were just a lot stiffer for kids in the older generations.  No wonder they used to spend most of their time outdoors.

[JustEm]

I would be upset with such a harsh sounding email but apologize and and explain I thought I had put the house back in proper order and I'd make sure it wouldn't happen again.

 

I don't think she was wrong being upset that you guys left a mess but the email sounds harsh.

[Meadowlark]

I would say, but only to myself, "And this is why I don't even come over when you're not home and rarely when you are." And roll my eyes. I think I wouldn't bother replying.

 

DH is right. His mother, if she wouldn't comment on a smudge of dirt and two improperly positioned toys, is a normal grandma.

What you put in quotes is exactly how I feel. We live within walking distance, but have to walk on a major road so never do it. But that's how close.

 

Here's the big question-I'm all for letting things roll off my back, and am learning to do that more and more as I get older and wiser. BUT-it's really been 37 years of this kind of stuff. This is so typical for her personality. As someone else mentioned, she is regularly mean-spirited and petty but is able to "fake it" most of the time. She has 3 brothers that she is estranged with, and also doesn't get along with her own mom. She's difficult. She is clueless though, and thinks the problems are due to everyone else. Most of the time, I can deal with it.

 

I have felt like a doormat for much of my life putting up with this kind of stuff (and so much more) and now I've reverted the other way I fear. How do you determine when to stay quiet, and when to stand up for yourself? I guess I am done letting her make me feel like crap. I never know if I'm blowing something out of proportion, or if I'm justified in feeling hurt. It's good to know that most of you find her comment off putting. Jeesh, my mother has the ability to make me crazy.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't know, Meadowlark. I know that a lot of us just frankly lose our "give-a-d@mn" around age 40 or menopause, whichever strikes first, and that it's extremely hard to ever go back to doormat once that switch has been flipped.

 

It seems that distance helps (as in my case, obviously)...OTOH, this is often when elderly parents start really needing us so the distance solution can be tricky...

 

:grouphug: I think you sound like a great daughter.

[Catwoman]

What you put in quotes is exactly how I feel. We live within walking distance, but have to walk on a major road so never do it. But that's how close.

 

Here's the big question-I'm all for letting things roll off my back, and am learning to do that more and more as I get older and wiser. BUT-it's really been 37 years of this kind of stuff. This is so typical for her personality. As someone else mentioned, she is regularly mean-spirited and petty but is able to "fake it" most of the time. She has 3 brothers that she is estranged with, and also doesn't get along with her own mom. She's difficult. She is clueless though, and thinks the problems are due to everyone else. Most of the time, I can deal with it.

 

I have felt like a doormat for much of my life putting up with this kind of stuff (and so much more) and now I've reverted the other way I fear. How do you determine when to stay quiet, and when to stand up for yourself? I guess I am done letting her make me feel like crap. I never know if I'm blowing something out of proportion, or if I'm justified in feeling hurt. It's good to know that most of you find her comment off putting. Jeesh, my mother has the ability to make me crazy.

Why did you bother to go there with the kids if she wasn't going to be there anyway and you know she tends to be difficult? Next time, I think you should take the kids to the library or out for ice cream instead. It would be a lot better for your sanity!

 

Honestly, I sympathize with you and agree that your mom was very abrupt, but is there any chance your kids really did leave her with a mess? If she is a neat freak, her idea of a mess may be far different from yours.

[Meadowlark]

Why did you bother to go there with the kids if she wasn't going to be there anyway and you know she tends to be difficult? Next time, I think you should take the kids to the library or out for ice cream instead.

 

Honestly, I sympathize with you and agree that your mom was very abrupt, but is there any chance your kids really did leave her with a mess? If she is a neat freak, her idea of a mess may be far different from yours.

We went there because we had 45 minutes or so before I had to pick up my boys, and my house was being cleaned. So, rather than a store or something that would give my kids a meltdown, we called grandma. I was on the way as I called, and when she offered that we could go there despite them not being home, I thought it would just be a place to hang out while we waited.

 

The plant thing absolutely might have happened. The bar area is not near the toys, and so I didn't check there. As for the toys, all of their toys are throw in a heap in the corner of the room with no rhyme or reason. So, I picked up all of the toys that I saw in the family room, and put them back in the heap. Maybe 5 things? Then, before I took the girls upstairs, I checked again. I know my mom and so I was conscientious. I looked at their newspaper too and remember purposely refolding it carefully and putting it back exactly where it was. So I really can't imagine that it was more than a few things maybe not put back exactly where they were. Sometimes I think my mom just turns little things into mountains just to nitpick me. But, being that it's been this way for so long...and because I'm nearing 40, lol, I'm kind of done with it.

[Carol in Cal.]

You know, some people get really set in their ways when they get older.  They have gradually figured out what they really like, they have a few treasured possessions, they have experimented with various placements of their couches and chairs, and they have found the most perfect solution to all of their design problems.  Even if they are not wonderful housekeepers, they are accustomed to things being A Certain Way--and it's so obvious to them how that should be that exceptions really glare out at them.  There are only two ways to approach that.  One is to avoid it, and the other is to get so familiar with the place that you have the same sense of how it should look.   A lot of grandparents have One Box of toys, so it's clear that everything goes back there. 

 

I hope to be the kind of grandmother that likes a lot of kids around, making noise and messes and being read to and having fun, but I know that I might be frail enough to have real difficulty bending over and picking things up at some point, and I hope that my kids will consider that when they are looking around after they pick up the grandchildren. 

 

I don't think that the tone of her note was terrible, but I don't have the history that you do.  I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.  I'd just say, "Hey, thanks again for letting us use your place!  Sorry I missed that dirt.  Kids!" and stay light and breezy and move on. 

 

In the future I might be less likely to go to the bathroom without bring the kids in with me, but other than that I think I'd just try to keep reasonable order and look things over at the end, but not get all compulsive about it. 

[Catwoman]

We went there because we had 45 minutes or so before I had to pick up my boys, and my house was being cleaned. So, rather than a store or something that would give my kids a meltdown, we called grandma. I was on the way as I called, and when she offered that we could go there despite them not being home, I thought it would just be a place to hang out while we waited.

 

The plant thing absolutely might have happened. The bar area is not near the toys, and so I didn't check there. As for the toys, all of their toys are throw in a heap in the corner of the room with no rhyme or reason. So, I picked up all of the toys that I saw in the family room, and put them back in the heap. Maybe 5 things? Then, before I took the girls upstairs, I checked again. I know my mom and so I was conscientious. I looked at their newspaper too and remember purposely refolding it carefully and putting it back exactly where it was. So I really can't imagine that it was more than a few things maybe not put back exactly where they were. Sometimes I think my mom just turns little things into mountains just to nitpick me. But, being that it's been this way for so long...and because I'm nearing 40, lol, I'm kind of done with it.

Honestly, if she is so difficult that you feel you need to take the time to "purposely refold" the newspaper and put it back exactly where it was, I would rather risk the kids having a meltdown than go to her house.

[Meadowlark]

I don't know, Meadowlark. I know that a lot of us just frankly lose our "give-a-d@mn" around age 40 or menopause, whichever strikes first, and that it's extremely hard to ever go back to doormat once that switch has been flipped.

 

It seems that distance helps (as in my case, obviously)...OTOH, this is often when elderly parents start really needing us so the distance solution can be tricky...

 

:grouphug: I think you sound like a great daughter.

Love this!

 

So then, once you lose your give a ....., does that mean you just gracefully let things like this roll off, or does it mean you don't allow people to treat you this way? I strive more than anything to conduct myself a little more gracefully than that, and yet I find that when I do defend myself or decide enough is enough, I feel just like her! My husband (a very non-confrontational man) is always telling me to "let it go" when it comes to my mom, but that is precisely what makes me feel like a doormat. As in, here I am...feel free to be rude to me and treat me like I'm 12 anytime you want because it's okay and I won't ever say or do anything about it". That can't be healthy either right?

[Meadowlark]

Honestly, if she is so difficult that you feel you need to take the time to "purposely refold" the newspaper and put it back exactly where it was, I would rather risk the kids having a meltdown than go to her house.

For sure-lesson learned!

[SereneHome]

I can not imagine getting an email (well, I don't usually communicate via email with my mom) like that from my parents.  Even though their house is very clean and organized - when we are there - all bets are off.  And my mom actually doesn't want me to lift a finger to do ANYTHING. 

 

So, going to my parents' house is like a little mini-vacation for me.  My parents waited for a long time for grandchildren and those three boys rule the house when they are there.  And their place is literally the ONLY place where my kids don't clean up after themselves or I don't finish cleaning up after them.

 

On a flip side of things - my mom have made numerous comments about the state of MY house.  I used to get upset and hurt but I got over it. 

 

As a matter of fact, the older I get the less I get upset about what people say to me.   And yes, I am around age 40 LOL

[happi duck]

I could imagine getting an email like that from mil...only it would be written by her husband and might be sent via registered mail.

[bettyandbob]

I wouldn't respond. I might examine whether my own perception of "clean" is within norms. I would knock grandma's house off my list of places to go.

 

Killing time: inside go to library, outside playground, nature center, parks.

[Aiden]

I would apologize for missing the dirt or whatever, then not say anything more about it ... but I also would not be spending time at her house anymore, period, and there would be some rather extreme limits on how much time I or my children were with her at all.

[Cammie]

No, it is not a normal email to get from one's mother.

 

On the other hand, it does sound like the email of a person (putting aside it is your mother) who is very particular about her house.  She sounds like she is a bit overboard on how things are and how they must be maintained.  I guess, at some point, even mothers are allowed their peculiarities. 

 

I would write back - "Ok mom, sorry about that, I must have missed it when I was picking up.  Thanks for letting us hang out at your place.  It was a big help.  Love, ME."  And I would probably not use her place as a stopping off location in the future.

[Ausmumof3]

I think that's totally crazy and not at all normal. But I would probably say sorry nicely and make up my mind never to go again unless I had to.

[Annie G]

In the older generations, this might not be as off the wall as it sounds today.  When we visited my older grandma, there were similar rules.  

 

 

MIL would meet my kids at the door when they came in from playing outside and with a wet washcloth, wash their hands and after they removed their shoes, wash their feet. Before they stepped inside the door.  Shoes never allowed in the house I can deal with, but washing feet every time they take their shoes off?  (They had socks between their feet and shoes)

She once came into the room where dh and I were and told us our middle daughter was sitting on the bed reading a book. She was our wild child so we both smiled at her good behavior. Nope. MIL said 'we don't sit on our beds'.  Dh did NOT grow up with that rule...she has gotten crazy picky as she has gotten older. 

 

Our older two live about 200 miles from her and haven't visited in over 7 years.  No wonder. 

 

I would send a 'thanks for the heads up, Mom- sorry I missed the mess' email.  And chalk it up to her being more concerned about things than people. Which is not healthy. 

[laughing lioness]

I would say, but only to myself, "And this is why I don't even come over when you're not home and rarely when you are." And roll my eyes. I think I wouldn't bother replying.

 

DH is right. His mother, if she wouldn't comment on a smudge of dirt and two improperly positioned toys, is a normal grandma.

I wish my kids had a normal grandma.

[PeachyDoodle]

I can't imagine getting an email like that from my mom. We often stop at my parents' house during the day to kill time like you did, as they live closer to town. Sometimes they're there, and sometimes they aren't (both my parents work part of their jobs from home). Although I do make an effort to clean up after the kids and myself, my mom actually likes to see little things moved, etc. because then she knows the kids have been there, and that makes her happy. I know this because she's told me so.

 

MIL's house is so messy, she wouldn't have a clue we'd even been there, LOL!

[JustEm]

my dad did tell all the grandkids, there are 14, that any toys left on the floor after they left would be thrown away. He doesn't care about the mess at all but he has a bad knee and my mom just had her hip replaced and was still recovering at the time so it was more out of safety. He could have easily just picked the toy up and put it somewhere but the threatening to throw it always got the kids to make sure they were getting it done instead of him. I think they lost a total of 3 toys before they caught on. I think it was a reasonable way to quickly teach the kids how important not leaving things around their house was for safety reasons.

[fruitofthewomb]

My mom has done this. Not via email but still. We lived very close & were there a lot. I always did a sweep of the house before we left but I had missed something.

 

Distance cured that issue. Now when we come we are treated like guests instead of annoying neighbors.

[kewb]

If it was my mom, queen of negative support and inappropriate comments, I would grit my teeth and write back "sorry, I thought I put everything away. Will do better next time." all while reminding myself that this is not about me it is about her and her baggage.

[gardenmom5]

I would assume someone missed something.  it could have been done by one of your kids - or someone else and she only just noticed it.

 

I would send a quick e-mail and apologize.  let her know you were in the bathroom with a little one for part of the time and didn't see it while you were putting away the toys the kids got out.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I think the phrase "stay away from people who make you feel bad" (Scarlett's mom) applies here.

 

I had a MIL like this. She wasn't just a neat freak....she was crazy and mean and there was no possible way to please her. She is still alive and I hear she is just as bad at 85....but I no longer have to deal with her.

 

I would probably never take my kids to her house again. But you should probably listen to Tibbie as she is more reasonable.

[SKL]

The comment about "neighbors" reminded me about my mom and my sister.  They live close and my sister (who is single without kids) hangs out at my parents' house a lot.  She enjoys cooking and does it for them rather often.  However, she is messy and especially makes a big mess when she cooks.  My mom used to clean it up, but eventually she asked my sister to clean it up (which I agree with).  Once or twice my sister was so careless about it that my mom got irritated and went off on her.

 

Now if it was me, I could do the same thing and get away with it, because I only go over there once in a blue moon.  (I am also much neater, but that may or may not be a factor.)  I am treated more like the welcomed guest, my sister tends to get the "grown kid who only half moved out" treatment.

[SparklyUnicorn]

So, we had 45 minutes or so to kill and couldn't go home because the cleaning people were there, so I called my mom who lives in town if we could come visit. She said they weren't home but I was welcome to bring my 2 girls there anyway.

 

We were there all of about 30 minutes and I went around and put away the few toys that my girls got out. I did use the bathroom for a few minutes, and helped my 3 yr. old while my almost 2 year old played with toys. Well, apparently, my mom was upset about how I left things. I got this email:

 

"Know you are welcome here anytime but please clean up after the kids. There was dirt from the plant base and smeared on the floor in the bar area. I also would appreciate putting things back where they were. I know they are little children but when I am not here I would appreciate that consideration. Thanks!"

 

Well, okay. My mom and I have issues and sometimes the tone in an email can be misinterpreted. I DID go around and put the toys away that my girls played with, which wasn't very much. I really have no idea what she's talking about with that. It really could only have been 1-2 toys, and even then, not put back exactly where they were found. I truly did make a sincere effort to leave their house just as I found it. And, the plant thing must have happened when I was in the bathroom because I certainly didn't notice it. I may be a lot of things, but inconsiderate is not one of them, and it hurts to be implied as such.

 

So, how would you feel if you got this email? Do you think this is a typical grandmotherly like response? Dh and I were talking about it, and there is just no way HIS mom would 1) be bothered by a few toys out of place or 2) feel the need to point it out.

 

Again, our relationship is tumultuous so I need an objective opinion on the tone of this email.

 

I'd feel pissed off.

 

 

 

[Ravin]

I would suck up my annoyance and say, "oh, sorry about that mom. I never saw the dirt and did pick up the toys they played with, but must have missed something in the tidying before we left."

 

Or, if she has a cat or dog, totally blame the critter.

[TranquilMind]

So, we had 45 minutes or so to kill and couldn't go home because the cleaning people were there, so I called my mom who lives in town if we could come visit. She said they weren't home but I was welcome to bring my 2 girls there anyway.

 

We were there all of about 30 minutes and I went around and put away the few toys that my girls got out. I did use the bathroom for a few minutes, and helped my 3 yr. old while my almost 2 year old played with toys. Well, apparently, my mom was upset about how I left things. I got this email:

 

"Know you are welcome here anytime but please clean up after the kids. There was dirt from the plant base and smeared on the floor in the bar area. I also would appreciate putting things back where they were. I know they are little children but when I am not here I would appreciate that consideration. Thanks!"

 

Well, okay. My mom and I have issues and sometimes the tone in an email can be misinterpreted. I DID go around and put the toys away that my girls played with, which wasn't very much. I really have no idea what she's talking about with that. It really could only have been 1-2 toys, and even then, not put back exactly where they were found. I truly did make a sincere effort to leave their house just as I found it. And, the plant thing must have happened when I was in the bathroom because I certainly didn't notice it. I may be a lot of things, but inconsiderate is not one of them, and it hurts to be implied as such.

 

So, how would you feel if you got this email? Do you think this is a typical grandmotherly like response? Dh and I were talking about it, and there is just no way HIS mom would 1) be bothered by a few toys out of place or 2) feel the need to point it out.

 

Again, our relationship is tumultuous so I need an objective opinion on the tone of this email.

Objectively, it sounds like most older people to me.  They want things in their place.  Your child probably smeared a little dirt around. It happens.  It's hard for older people to get down and clean that stuff up (I now understand).

 

So, I'd just respond, "Ok, thanks, Mom.  I will look more carefully in the future."  Just something appeasing.  This is not a hill to die on. 

[Runningmom80]

I'd be annoyed.

 

My mom would FEEL the same way, but instead of telling me, she'd just be passive aggressively mean for a while and then pretend like nothing happened.

 

Our relationship is "complicated." :lol:

[Meadowlark]

Yes, I'll be dealing with my parents for a long time, as they are in their 60's and in good health. Plus, they are within a few minutes and there are only two kids, the other of which lives an hour away.

 

So I guess I need coping strategies for how to not let her drive me batty. Gritting my teeth and letting it go is obviously the right thing to do, but I have such a hard time with that! My best friend (a tell it like it is kind of girl-which I love her for) is always telling me that I need to stop my mom from her crazy behavior, stop allowing her to treat me like this. She says there is NO WAY she would let her mom treat her like my mom treats me. So then, I feel like the doormat. Then, I have my husband telling me to let it go. I can't decide which route to take, do I suffer internally and harbor resentment? Or, get it out and damage a relationship that is already fragile?

[TranquilMind]

In the older generations, this might not be as off the wall as it sounds today.  When we visited my older grandma, there were similar rules.  There was maybe one place I was allowed to sit, and I had to keep my hands in my lap, because everything in the living room was off limits.  And my mom hated going over there with young kids, because she had to watch them like a hawk while trying to help prepare dinner and clean the kitchen.  She tells a story of a time when my brother touched a piece of furniture and my grandma complained that he'd left a mark on it.  My mom swears the furniture was already so dirty that my brother's finger only made a mark by cleaning some of the dirt off.  LOL.  Anyhoo.  I think things were just a lot stiffer for kids in the older generations.  No wonder they used to spend most of their time outdoors.

Yes, exactly. 

 

Old people also can't get down on the floor and clean up any mess.  It's hard for them. 

 

I remember one huge family that had an all-white living room with plastic slipcovers and white carpet.  The kids who LIVED in that house were not allowed to enter that living room.     Sounds silly to us today. 

[J-rap]

Since you said that she does have issues, I guess I wouldn't be too surprised.  It sounds like her priorities are mixed up along with other baggage.  I'd probably apologize, but next time spend that extra time at a playground or McDonalds.

 

I do not mind grandparents stepping in and encouraging my children to pick up and be responsible when we are at their house.  I know they are doing it with the best interest of my children in mind.  Also, as my own parents are getting elderly I'm much more conscientious of leaving their house as it was or even better than when we first arrived.  However, what you describe sounds different than that.

[Rebel Yell]

She did clean up after the kids, and is consciously considerate as a matter of habit and of character (according to the OP). What more could she do, short of measuring, marking, or otherwise noting the exact condition of every item in her mother's house before she lets the kids in the front door?

 

I ask because my own MIL once sent me a very, very detailed drawing of each floor of her home, with literally every item marked, with a KEY to show which items the kids could touch and which they could not touch (often the two would be side by side on a tabletop) and which pillow they could sit on and which they couldn't, which plastic cup....it was batspit crazy. My kids had never even been to her house, as we lived a thousand miles away, and were aged 3 months to 4 years old at the time of the planned upcoming visit.

 

Which never happened.

 

:svengo:

[MBM]

I am a neat freak but I do not expect others to live like I do. My kids are on the messy side but as long as they can function reasonably well, I am fine with it. I would never want them or their friends to feel unwelcome and would much rather have their company and the mess that comes with it. They are never unreasonably messy.

 

I think your mother might be feeling out of control when your kids are around and it makes her feel anxious.

 

[Janie Grace]

My mom is this way. I really think that my mom's pettiness is an "apology grab"... that somehow being wronged and having someone have to say "I'm so sorry" feels close to being loved. It's crazy, but based on your mom's other relationships, I would not be surprised if insecurity is a big factor in how she relates to you and why she is so easily offended. 

[KatieJ]

Heavens, that email was a tad over the top. I have lots of grands. They come over. They get out toys. They go home. We pick up and put away what the parents didn't. We go look for the remote, we reset the clock they play with, we wash the bibs, booster seats, and high chairs. Some days we are more cheerful about it than others, because some days our arthritis acts up more than others and some days we are just tired!

 

But I am always glad they came! The hugs and kisses are so worth it!

[Reefgazer]

I'd ask what was left out, apologize, and just explain you thought you had put everything away.