Splitting up a family (temporarily)?

[lovinmyboys]

Dh is in the army reserves stationed at a post in the US for a year. I am home with the four kids. I am considering sending my 4yr old to live with DH from after christmas break until the end of the school year. He could go to preschool full time for free there. The other 3 kids would stay here at home with me. The whole family isn't allowed to live with DH, but it is ok for some of the family to live with him as long as there is at least one person living at our home address.

 

I am considering this because I really think the structure would be good for him. He is a perfect angel for everyone else, but is extremely difficult for me. I think he would really love school, and he sure behaves better for dh. I feel like I don't have time to give him the attention he needs.

 

Plus, it would be good for dh to stay in the father role. This is his 4th time away from the kids and he always has a hard time adjusting when he gets back. Nothing terrible, but he just gets out of the mode of little kid behaviors and they bother him.

 

I obviously will miss him, but he is away from a parent either way. I do worry about how it will affect the sibling relationship. I know he drives his brothers crazy, but I think they would really miss him and he would miss them. One of my good friends went with her dad away for a couple of years to train for gymnastics and she has mostly positive things to say about it (she was older and doing something she loved.)

 

I don't know. Does anyone think this would be ok? I feel terrible considering it, but I really think we need a break from each other and dh needs the hands on parenting experience.

[Incognito]

If your DH is interested/excited about the prospect, I'd say it sounds like a really good opportunity.  Figure out a good way to Skype regularly, and get lots of practice writing letters. :)

[lovinmyboys]

Yes, dh is very excited about the possibility.

[kiana]

I think it's great as long as your 4 year old doesn't feel like he's being exiled from the family, if you know what I mean? I thought it was awesome when I got to stay with daddy alone for a few weeks before a move (I was ps'd at the time and my mother didn't want me to move schools mid-year so dad and I got a weekly rental hotel for a few weeks while my mother packed). 

[Cinder]

Back in the day (when I was on active duty) I had a boss that did this. He and his wife were both active duty but he was being sent to a new assignment. He took the youngest with him, who was about 4yo, and the older 2 stayed with the mom. Similar situation as you describe--youngest was daddy's boy and a bit of a handful for the mom to manage alone with everything else she had going on. Their separation lasted about a year, I think, and it seemed to work out well for them.

 

Your dh will need to have a Dependent Care Plan since he will effectively be a single parent during that time so he'll need to have someone who can take care of your ds in case he's deployed or called in for duty at odd hours. He should also be sure childcare is available during non-school hours. At one base I was at the waiting list for childcare was months long.

[Catwoman]

If I was 4 years old and had to leave my mom and all of my siblings for a long period of time, I would have been miserable and I might have thought my mom didn't want me any more. 

 

Can't your son attend preschool near your home?  I'm sure your dh is a wonderful father, but he works full time and you are at home, so it seems that living with you would be preferable.

 

What will you do when your ds is upset or sick and wants his mama to take care of him? Will your dh be able to take off from work for several days or a week if your ds gets sick? Is he good at caring for a sick child, or does your ds run to you whenever he gets ill or hurt?

 

Additionally, are you sure you would be OK with it? I know the idea of a little break sounds good to you right now, while your little guy is right there in the house with you, but are you really sure you would be OK with walking past his empty room every night at bedtime or when you are taking your other kids someplace fun and he isn't there to share it?

 

(Can you tell I think this is a bad idea?  ;))

[Btervet]

You have the chance to let your middle child be the 'only kid' for a while, I wouldn't pass that up. The oldest and the baby at some point get to be the only kid, but rarely the middle, and I think it can do wonders for a child's relationship with a parent. 

[JuanitaL]

What type of a job does Army Reserve dad have? What are his duty hours? What is his plan for childcare during duty hours that are not full-time preschool hours? Does he ever have formation at 4:30 am? Get called in after hours for anything? There are lots of single parents in the military. The few times I had to stand in line outside the Child Development Center at 6 a.m. (during my 2 week annual training) always made me very happy that I didn't have to do it every day.

[Carol in Cal.]

Although my DD loved both her dad and I, if I had been gone while she was that age, she would have been absolutely crushed.  YMMV.

[Rachel]

I think it would be difficult as a mom, but it could be a very good thing for your husband and son.

 

My parents sent my sister and me at ages 3.5 and 2 to live with our grandparents for 6 weeks. My mom was suffering from ppd after my brother was born. It was a very positive experience for us and our grandparents. I still remember the little preschool I attended there. That was the days before Skype too.

 

If you send him and it turns out to not be right for him, would you have a way for him to get back home? Would you be able to visit him at all while he is away?

[lovinmyboys]

His being a middle child is a big part of the issue. His personality would be much better suited to being the oldest or youngest. He really struggles being a middle child, and this would be a good opportunity to have one on one time with his dad. He would be able to choose the music in the car, the bedtime story, etc.

 

I definitely will try my very best to make sure it doesn't seem like he is being exiled from the family, but instead given a cool opportunity to live with dad. I think he would like it and if it doesn't work he can come back.

 

Some other soldiers have brought one or more of their kids, so I know it is possible. Dh will have to find out the details.

[Peaceful Isle]

I would really think hard about it. If it was me, I would miss my little guy sooo much, and he is a handful too!

I would miss his kisses and hugs, his bright looks and happy faces.

Try to find a preschool nearby. That way you can get a break during the day, yet have his mommy hugs at night.

I don't know, I'm just a sucker for my boys and would miss them so much.

 

But, I don't know your family dynamics. I'm just stating how I would feel. Hugs and good luck trying to find a positive solution. :)

[Farrar]

I think you're brave to consider it. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer really. Like so many things in parenting our kids, it could turn out to be a huge blessing or something he resents everyone about years later, you know? But I'm with others that it sounds like it could be a real positive overall.

[Amira]

I think it could be a great idea in many ways especially since your dh is excited about it.

 

The thing I'd be most concerned about is whether your dh's job requirements would allow him to really focus on your son. I don't think there's one right parent for a child to live with when parents can't live in the same place, but I wouldn't want my child to end up in preschool, daycare, or with a babysitter most of the time because dh was too busy at work all the time when I was available elsewhere.

[Gentlemommy]

I couldn't do it. Because I selfishly would miss my dc SO much, it would crush me. My DH travels a lot and is often gone for weeks/a month at a time. When he is gone working, he has long and unpredictable hours, and is utterly exhausted after. Being here with me allows the kids some semblance of normalcy, they are enrolled in extracurricular classes, have structure, ect.

[Ravin]

It sounds like you have a good plan in place, except you might want to line up after-hours/backup care for if he has any kind of watch duty.

[Catwoman]

I think it would be different if you were talking about a week or two, but this will be for several months. In my mind, that is too long for your ds to be away from his mom and his siblings.

 

And don't forget about the adjustment period when he moves back home and isn't the "only child" any more. He will be used to an entirely different daily routine. His bedtime and bedtime rituals may have changed.

 

There is a lot to think about.

[Liz CA]

I think it could work depending what type of kid your ds is. More sensitive children would feel perhaps singled out to live away from siblings.

 

I always try to imagine how much it would take to reverse the arrangement in case of failure:

1. Will you all see each other on some weekends so the other kids can see Dad too?

2. If after a few days / weeks, it becomes apparent it is not working for whatever reason, how easy would it be for ds to go home to you? Could you just drive up and pick him up, would you have to fly, make arrangements for the other kids, lots of expenses?

3. Is there another kiddo who would be crushed that Daddy didn't pick him/her to live with him while deployed?

[Lanny]

I suggest that your DH have an informal discussion with his First Sergeant or Sergeant Major, to learn about all of the possible ramifications of this. When you put on the uniform, they own you, 24 hours a day. Your DH will need to have a backup plan in place, with someone who can immediately care for your DS, on a moments notice. Possibly for a lengthy period of time... GL

[Seasider]

Families are unique and there are a variety of arrangements that can work well. That said, in my own observations, the strongest families have strong sibling bonds. Things may seem rocky and annoying to you, but maybe this is a call to figure out how to strengthen sibling bonds. Would a long (that's a LONG time for four year old!!!) separation weaken or strengthen their bonds? I imagine the kids will learn to function separately rather than integratedly (is that even a word?). I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with the possibility of the first outcome.

 

In reality, how much time would the 4 year old be spending with a non-parent caregiver versus quality time with Dad?

 

I'd seriously have to count the cost. Personally, I'd rather pay for preschool in the current location than face the costs of stalled relationships that might result as the cost of separation at this impressionable age.

 

That's just two cents from an old-fashioned mama. I pray that your decision will suit the needs of your own unique family.

[Acadie]

I support your looking at all the options!  

 

One thing to consider is that even if preschool is free where your dh lives, after hours care can be quite expensive.  That may offset the cost of preschool near you. 

 

It's great that your dh is excited about the possibility.

 

Amy

[Guest submarines]

When a 4 year old is "an angel for everyone else" and "behaves better for DH" this usually means that he really needs the safety of his mom.  

 

I wouldn't put a somewhat insecure 4 yo (or an 4yo) away from his mother *and* siblings into a new environment for such long period of time. No way no how.

[Okra]

I realize he's very young, But, if you are okay with either option, what about asking his opinion?

[LMV]

We did do a temporary family split which lasted a little more than three months several years. Our situation was a little different, as situations always are.  I am going to share our situation and experiences in hope that it will help you be able to see all sides of the situation and make the decision that is right for your family.

 

At the time DD[just turned]15 was DFD11 and we really believed that an out of state trauma program was at least her best, and maybe her only, option to address the PTSD from the years of abuse she suffered while living with her abusive biological parents. Initially she/we had done outpatient TF-CBT with an skilled therapist twice weekly.  DH and I encouraged and modeled skills use at home in between session and I really think everyone did the best they could but it wasn't enough.  We feared that the symptoms would become entrenched to the point that it could become a lifelong affliction and we knew as her parents we had to find something else or something more.  We initially looked for something in state but really didn't find anything appropriate.  Eventually a friend from the area where I did some of my medical training attended a great pediatric grand rounds on PTSD and emailed me about the amazing child psychiatrist that was running a program in the area.  DH and I did some research and decided that it really was what she needed.  We owned a house in the area so we decided that we would just send one parent with her and figure out a way to make it work.

 

That parent ended up being DH. At the time we did this I was working full time as an emergency medicine physician and he had a corporate law firm. He was in a position to do his work elsewhere and I really wasn't, so that was how it all settled out.  I won't say it was easy, because it wasn't.  I missed my husband.  I missed my daughter.  Our eldest daughter was fifteen and our then youngest (now DDalmost5) was almost twenty months.  Our eldest daughter understood why we were doing what we were doing and while she wished things were different she was mature enough to grasp that they weren't.  She actually told us that we wouldn't be the parents she knew if we weren't doing this and that she knew that we and her older brothers had literally put our lives on hold for her in the past and she wanted to do anything we needed her to do. She is really an amazing young woman! Our youngest daughter really was too young to completely understand so although we tried to explain we really just focusing on making sure she was always secure and safe with someone who loved her and made the most of the moments together we could.  

 

In spite of the struggles we did make it work.  Our daughter benefitted a lot from her participation in the program.  Daily therapy allowed for consolidation and actual ability to use skills. I would have said she and DH had a connected good relationship before but I do think that they connected in a bit of a deeper way during that time.  I took our other daughters to visit DH a few times during this split and he and our daughter came home for a few long weekends during this period as well.  Our eldest daughter also played in a soccer tournament near where DH and daughter were  during the split so they made it those games and then hosted a pool party at our house for her team to celebrate their tournament success.

 

We did plan for a transition home and there was one but in many ways the reality that she was healthy and we were all back together worked a bit of magic I suppose.  It probably also helped that we were reunited shortly before Thanksgiving so it tied in with a season of grace and mercy. 

 

Other things which I think helped us:

-We did have a home in the area so there was some familiarity with the area and it made the original "move" and subsequent visits easier.

-I still had friends in the area.  I enlisted one of my best friends to be my husband's backup if he ever had a "yeah, I get it you just need your mom and she is hundreds of miles away".  He never needed to push that panic button but I felt better to know that he had it to push.

-Our main home is near most of my DH's family and my mom was able to come for an extended visit to help as well.  This was great because I had a lot of support when I was essentially single parenting and working as a physician.  I never had to leave our then youngest with someone who was not family and that was important to me.

-We were able to do a lot of weekend visits which allowed the whole family to be together. 

-My younger daughter and I and DH and our eldest daughter had journals that we passed back and forth each time visits occurred.  I also left a stack of pre-wrapped special gifts with DH for our daughter to help with some of the missing mom moments.

-We had family speaker phone dinners where we ate dinner "together" even though we were eating in houses hundreds of miles apart.  This allowed us to maintain a connection and a sense of at least new normalcy.

 

I wish you well, no matter what option you choose.

[LMV]

Families are unique and there are a variety of arrangements that can work well. That said, in my own observations, the strongest families have strong sibling bonds. Things may seem rocky and annoying to you, but maybe this is a call to figure out how to strengthen sibling bonds. Would a long (that's a LONG time for four year old!!!) separation weaken or strengthen their bonds? I imagine the kids will learn to function separately rather than integratedly (is that even a word?). I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with the possibility of the first outcome.

 

 

Families are definitely unique, as are all of the children in the family.  Our eldest daughter and DD15 were separated when we had to do our temporary split. They are incredibly close now.  They do function independently and are very different individuals but they also love and respect each other and I think they will continue to be connected and sisters for life.

[Catwoman]

I realize he's very young, But, if you are okay with either option, what about asking his opinion?

 

I don't think he would be capable of making that kind of decision, as I don't think a 4yo would have a realistic sense of how long a time he would be away from his mom and siblings. "Tomorrow" can seem like "forever" when you're 4.

 

Also, that is far too major a decision to place on a 4yo, even if you're just asking his opinion. If he says he wants to go and later wishes he hadn't, he may think it's all his fault because he was the one who decided that he wanted to go.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

When a 4 year old is "an angel for everyone else" and "behaves better for DH" this usually means that he really needs the safety of is mom.  

 

I wouldn't put a somewhat insecure 4 yo (or an 4yo) away from his mother *and* siblings into a new environment for such long period of time. No way no how.

 

I've been thinking about this thread all day, trying to hone into the real issue bothering me. This is it.

 

My most difficult child needed me the most - like many children with some issues, he only fell apart with me. I was the only safe place. Hard on me? VERY. Especially with three other little boys and a DH who was working all the time. But he genuinely needed me. He had to grow up way past age 4 until he could take the whole world and all its chaos in his stride.

 

I don't think your little boy should go with his Daddy at this time. If he was really going to be just (or mostly) with Daddy, then yes. But he's not. He's going to be in preschool, which will likely be OK but you don't know it will be safe and good and OK, and he'll be with other, unrelated caregivers during his most difficult moments if Daddy has to work when he's sick or something.

 

A four-year-old needs a very stable environment, and if Mommy is his safest person to let out his big feelings and process stuff with, then TAG. You're it.

 

That's not to say you head into this deployment as a martyr. Look at preschool at home if you really think he'll benefit from that environment, and utilize babysitters so you can get a break.

 

Just my two cents, as another mother of four boys. (Mine are 10, 14, 16, and 18 now.)

[Seasider]

Families are definitely unique, as are all of the children in the family.  Our eldest daughter and DD15 were separated when we had to do our temporary split. They are incredibly close now.  They do function independently and are very different individuals but they also love and respect each other and I think they will continue to be connected and sisters for life.

 

Do you think their older ages made this easier for them to understand? My primary concern for the OP's son is his age - not young enough to be oblivious, not old enough perhaps to fully comprehend? Serious question, not doubting anyone's choices about any of this, just thinking about how such separations would have affected my own kids. DH spent several months working out of state with almost no travel home when mine were 4 & 6 years old. I am trying to consider what it would have been like in our household to divide the children. It is not easy to imagine...

 

What a wonderful portrait of commitment and sacrifice you and your husband painted for your girls!

[Seasider]

I don't think he would be capable of making that kind of decision, as I don't think a 4yo would have a realistic sense of how long a time he would be away from his mom and siblings. "Tomorrow" can seem like "forever" when you're 4.

 

Also, that is far too major a decision to place on a 4yo, even if you're just asking his opinion. If he says he wants to go and later wishes he hadn't, he may think it's all his fault because he was the one who decided that he wanted to go.

 

And then if he gives you his opinion, and you choose otherwise.... you got some 'splainin to do, Lucy!

[Starr]

A year is a long time. I would feel like it was two different families and I think getting everyone back together would be difficult. A single parent and only child can be very difficult during times of illness.  And once this year of only child is over how does he then learn to share and take turns again. I mean dad and son hanging out without anyone else's wishes to consider...then back to an active family, bam.

[lovinmyboys]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Thanks also for not telling me I am a terrible mother 😄. You have all given me a lot to think about.

 

To clarify, it would be for five months (which is a long time). I agree that I am his safe place and he needs that. I just feel like he has other needs that may be better met with dh. I would miss him terribly if he went, and I don't know if I would even be able to send him. I hate the idea of missing part of his very young years-they are almost over already. It's just an idea dh and I have been floating around. Maybe preschool here is a better idea.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Dh is in the army reserves stationed at a post in the US for a year. I am home with the four kids. I am considering sending my 4yr old to live with DH from after christmas break until the end of the school year. He could go to preschool full time for free there. The other 3 kids would stay here at home with me. The whole family isn't allowed to live with DH, but it is ok for some of the family to live with him as long as there is at least one person living at our home address.

 

I am considering this because I really think the structure would be good for him. He is a perfect angel for everyone else, but is extremely difficult for me. I think he would really love school, and he sure behaves better for dh. I feel like I don't have time to give him the attention he needs.

 

Plus, it would be good for dh to stay in the father role. This is his 4th time away from the kids and he always has a hard time adjusting when he gets back. Nothing terrible, but he just gets out of the mode of little kid behaviors and they bother him.

 

I obviously will miss him, but he is away from a parent either way. I do worry about how it will affect the sibling relationship. I know he drives his brothers crazy, but I think they would really miss him and he would miss them. One of my good friends went with her dad away for a couple of years to train for gymnastics and she has mostly positive things to say about it (she was older and doing something she loved.)

 

I don't know. Does anyone think this would be ok? I feel terrible considering it, but I really think we need a break from each other and dh needs the hands on parenting experience.

 

I think you and his brothers would miss him a lot more than you are anticipating.

 

He's difficult and needy and you're tired but you're still his mother. He's only four. You'll want him back.

 

Living away from his brothers doesn't make him an only child. It makes him a little boy separated from his brothers.

 

I think you may be working with a (familiar) combination of fatigue and dread as you consider the coming year. Like OKBud, I totally understand. You know you're headed for a sucky year however you do it. But I think this option is not a good one for such a little guy. It would be perfect for a teen who was pretty self-sufficient but not for somebody who was only recently a toddler.

 

This is all I'll say, except to advise running this by family, friends, clergy, whoever you've got, who know your family IRL.

 

[katilac]

That's a fairly short period of time, about 5 months, so I would most definitely consider it. 

 

I do not think the fact that he is most difficult for mom necessarily means he is most secure with mom and needs her more than dad. 

 

I would not ask him; I would get the details, discuss, decide, and tell him. If he became hysterical at the thought, I might reconsider, but I wouldn't request his input beforehand. 

 

Kids are all so, so different. My kids were always homebodies. Other kids would thrive on the excitement of being away from home and going to preschool and daycare. 

 

Dads can certainly be just as capable of judging the safety and suitability of preschool and daycare as mom is, of comforting their children, and so on. If the child care aspects are practical where dh is, I would most definitely consider it. 

 

 

 

[LMV]

Do you think their older ages made this easier for them to understand? My primary concern for the OP's son is his age - not young enough to be oblivious, not old enough perhaps to fully comprehend? Serious question, not doubting anyone's choices about any of this, just thinking about how such separations would have affected my own kids. DH spent several months working out of state with almost no travel home when mine were 4 & 6 years old. I am trying to consider what it would have been like in our household to divide the children. It is not easy to imagine...

 

What a wonderful portrait of commitment and sacrifice you and your husband painted for your girls!

 

At the time they were eleven going on twelve and fifteen going on sixteen and that may have made it easier.  They did text a fair amount during that split and I think that helped. The reality that in some ways DD15 probably attached to having a sister before she really attached to DH and I as parents may have also contributed in some way. [i realize that to an outside observer this may seem very off but when DH and I thought about it it made sense. In her first family both parents were physically and emotionally abusive so perhaps they poisoned the well on the idea that parents could be loving, supportive and nurturing.  She was an only child so she had no experience with siblings (other than a close friend who has a cool big brother)  so she had more of an open mind for our daughter.  Then she was exposed to the relationship DH and I have with our other kids and got brave enough to take a chance.]

 

I will also say that DDalmost5 and DD15 are very close as well and reconnected quite easily once we were all back together.  Our eldest daughter is a wonderful big sister so that probably helped because she modeled and fostered that sibling connection extending.  However, that sibling connection has grown even stronger over time and DD19 left for college when she was seventeen (and thus, was only able to support their connection from a far for most of that time). For example DDalmost5 really started gymnastics because she could be in the pre-school class her big sister was helping.  Swimming is her first love sport (as much as a kid can have a first love sport when they aren't quite five) but lately she has started to talk about wanting to do team for gymnastics.  I don't think she is changing her mind about swimming because she seriously spent time last week writing a list of why we should let her go to junior swim team four days a week instead of only two days but I think she thinks it is cool to do something her big sister does.

[Supertechmom]

His being a middle child is a big part of the issue. His personality would be much better suited to being the oldest or youngest. He really struggles being a middle child, and this would be a good opportunity to have one on one time with his dad. He would be able to choose the music in the car, the bedtime story, etc.

 

I definitely will try my very best to make sure it doesn't seem like he is being exiled from the family, but instead given a cool opportunity to live with dad. I think he would like it and if it doesn't work he can come back.

 

Some other soldiers have brought one or more of their kids, so I know it is possible. Dh will have to find out the details.

 

 

I don't understand this. Why can't he make choices?    Being first gives you no special rights to lord your choices over everyone else (Can you tell I am the baby in my family)  Being the baby gives you no right to spoil everything for the olders.

 

 We rotate. Everyone has their "time".  Each kid gets to pick the dinner on certain days (oldest picks Tuesday, second on Wednesday, Third on Thursday and baby on Friday)  Car ride to some place, one kid picks music, ride back another does,  Everyone has their own place to sit in the car and at the table.  Books are picked in similar fashion.  Being the middle child isn't a wasteland.   It is a time of knowing when your turn comes and that everyone gets a turn.  And then you make sure the turns roll around.  For years, we posted it on the fridge - It's your DAY!! with their name under it.   The olders accepted the baby got to choose and they sucked it up and enjoyed it or else their day may not come.  If choosing is an issue, set up system to give him a voice.  Let him have authority. Headstrong difficult kids need choices, need to feel needed, need to feel independent.  

 

And I agree with others, the more difficult the child is for one person, the more they need that person.   

[katilac]

A year is a long time. I would feel like it was two different families and I think getting everyone back together would be difficult. A single parent and only child can be very difficult during times of illness.  And once this year of only child is over how does he then learn to share and take turns again. I mean dad and son hanging out without anyone else's wishes to consider...then back to an active family, bam.

 

It's not a year, though; it's about 5 months. And I think many parents of onlies would resent the implication that their kid can't possibly know to share or take turns, lol. There will be an adjustment period when they return, of course, but the time apart is just as likely to make them appreciate what they've been missing. 

 

He's difficult and needy and you're tired but you're still his mother.  

 

 

In all fairness, his father is also still his father. There are many positive ways to raise kids. Sometimes it's with mom as the 'main' parent for a while; sometimes it's with dad. Sometimes it's home schooling them, sometimes it's sending them to school. We've been homeschooling for over ten years, and the main thing I've learned is that there can be great value in doing things out of the mainstream. 

 

Almost everyone expects dads to be more involved and hands-on these days, but there is still a tremendous prejudice against them taking on primary parenting duties. Some kids do indeed need to be with mom at this age. Others have an equal or greater need to be with dad. 

[lovinmyboys]

I don't understand this. Why can't he make choices? Being first gives you no special rights to lord your choices over everyone else (Can you tell I am the baby in my family) Being the baby gives you no right to spoil everything for the olders.

 

We rotate. Everyone has their "time". Each kid gets to pick the dinner on certain days (oldest picks Tuesday, second on Wednesday, Third on Thursday and baby on Friday) Car ride to some place, one kid picks music, ride back another does, Everyone has their own place to sit in the car and at the table. Books are picked in similar fashion. Being the middle child isn't a wasteland. It is a time of knowing when your turn comes and that everyone gets a turn. And then you make sure the turns roll around. For years, we posted it on the fridge - It's your DAY!! with their name under it. The olders accepted the baby got to choose and they sucked it up and enjoyed it or else their day may not come. If choosing is an issue, set up system to give him a voice. Let him have authority. Headstrong difficult kids need choices, need to feel needed, need to feel independent.

 

And I agree with others, the more difficult the child is for one person, the more they need that person.

I probably gave bad examples for being a middle child...he just likes to do those things all the time and not take turns. When I try to split it fairly, he never seems to like the way it is done or he finds some reason it should be his turn again. It is kind of exasperating. He is also one of those kids that if I read him five books he wanted six. If I spend 5 minutes tucking him in, he wanted 10. He doesn't seem to have those problems when he isn't competing for my time with his siblings (which is rare). So, if I tuck him in and then go start laundry or whatever he is fine. But if I then go tuck someone else in, he gets all upset because he wasn't done being tucked in. So, I guess I was saying he may like being the only one for a few months. Dh would have plenty of time to read with him, tuck him in, etc.

 

It's hard for me to explain the middle child problem. He is definitely my highest needs kid. I just feel like if he were the oldest, maybe I could have spent more time meeting those needs without having the other siblings to tend to. If he were the baby, presumably the others would be more self sufficient. Plus, my first 2 are school age so they do have to have at least a minimal education. The 2yr old still needs to be watched fairly closely. He is kind of in the middle of that-doesn't need to stay with me all the time to be safe, but doesn't really need to do school.

[LMV]

It's not a year, though; it's about 5 months. And I think many parents of onlies would resent the implication that their kid can't possibly know to share or take turns, lol. There will be an adjustment period when they return, of course, but the time apart is just as likely to make them appreciate what they've been missing. 

 

 

In all fairness, his father is also still his father. There are many positive ways to raise kids. Sometimes it's with mom as the 'main' parent for a while; sometimes it's with dad. Sometimes it's home schooling them, sometimes it's sending them to school. We've been homeschooling for over ten years, and the main thing I've learned is that there can be great value in doing things out of the mainstream. 

 

Almost everyone expects dads to be more involved and hands-on these days, but there is still a tremendous prejudice against them taking on primary parenting duties. Some kids do indeed need to be with mom at this age. Others have an equal or greater need to be with dad. 

 

I agree with a lot of this.  Our kids are blessed to have an amazing dad who is very capable of being a loving, competent, emotionally evolved primary caretaker.  I leave our kids home with him and work ED physician shifts and truly feel comfortable that they are safe and loved and very fortunate.  Or most days I do. Sometimes my mommy guilt kicks in but I try to stay logical and rationale and realize that my kids are blessed to have an amazing dad and to have two parents who love them and are both capable of being good primary caretakers.  

[Farrar]

I will say... I'm a huge advocate of the idea that kids bring us their worst behavior because they feel safest with us. On the other hand, the converse isn't also true that kids who behave worst with us feel unsafe elsewhere. Or that if the behavior gets better in a certain situation or configuration that they therefore feel unsafe. Being an "only" kid for his father and having the structure of a good preschool are things that can help a kid be happy and secure and behave better, at least potentially. And they don't mean he'll feel insecure or unhappy, at least not automatically. It sounds like he's already feeling at least a little unhappy.

 

I also sort of chafe at the idea that a kid doesn't also need his father. Both of my ds have had periods of neediness with dh and I. When they were four, they would have been no more or less okay to be without either of us for a whole five months.

 

Again, there's no right or wrong answer here in my opinion. And good luck to the OP no matter what.

[JustEm]

I could not do this because my child was not well behaved with me and certainly not at 4.  I would suck up the cost of preschool where I was or find some other way to get him some time away from the rest of the family every few days a week.

[Alte Veste Academy]

In reality, how much time would the 4 year old be spending with a non-parent caregiver versus quality time with Dad?

In my long experience as an Army wife, the vast majority of waking hours. It is not just going to be preschool, but daycare (and generally lots of it...before school care, after school care, and occasional night/weekend care).

 

I wouldn't consider this at all, from an emotional/developmental standpoint as well as a pragmatic standpoint. And I know all too well what it is like being alone with the kids for a year, so I don't say that lightly.

[lovinmyboys]

Dh is going to be gone a year. He has already been gone a couple of months of that. Ds(4) would possibly go for the 2nd semester of school. Like January-May. So, he would be with me for 7mos and dh for 5. His behavior has definitely gotten worse since dh has been gone. Either way he will be with one parent and away from the other. However, it is true that I am not working and dh is, so his living with dh does mean he would spend more time with non family caregivers.

 

So far, dh has worked pretty normal hours. It is the army so things could always change, but he doesn't anticipate having to work lots of crazy hours. I definitely don't want DS to spend all his waking hours at daycare, but as of right now I don't think that is the case.

 

Logistically it may not work. I am just trying to get feedback on the idea before I pursue it seriously. I am really appreciating all of the advice.

[maize]

I think I could do it on a trial basis. Does your husband get to come home for visits? Could he take your son for 2 weeks-1 month, bring him home for a visit (or you take the family to visit) and you can make a decision then about the next month?

[Alte Veste Academy]

His behavior has definitely gotten worse since dh has been gone.

I just want to reassure you that this is totally normal during deployment. It makes life exponentially harder for the parent at home, but it was always some comfort for me to know it was a natural response to family separation. In fact, although he may have behaved better for DH in the past, adjustment issues are still likely to crop up if he goes to live with him.

[J-rap]

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer.  It sounds like you and your husband are thinking it through carefully, and would only do it if everything fell into place.

 

There are positives and negatives in whatever you choose, as in anything.  If you choose to give it a try, I would definitely explain it to your son as being a fun, positive adventure.  Will you be able to see him during that time?  Will he be able to come home and visit, or can you visit him half-way through?

 

If you do choose to do it, I'd at least let yourself enter into it knowing it is not set in stone;  things could change after a month and he might come home.

[Gil]

I think that the problem with posting this here for feedback is that there is a strong, maternal bias. (and possibly other biases also) You should find a forum/community of Army families, or something and ask there. You will want to gather feedback from people who are doing, have done, or have openly considered doing what you are thinking of doing, not from those who just shudder at the idea alone. Or worse, make comments that are ridiculous or somewhat shaming :rolleyes:

 

Many of the parents on this thread are, understandably, responding emotionally. I would encourage you to reach out to others for feedback where the responces aren't coming from an overwhelming majority of emotion.

 

Personally, I don't think that it is a bad idea at all. All families/kids/situations are different, of course,  blah, blah, blah, but sending kids away for some length of time is not unheard of. The influence of a dad in a young boys life can be invaluable, especially for spirited boys in the ages of 3-8. For a wide variety of reasons, this can work. You are a human being just like the rest of us, if this will give you a break,respite, breathing room, then consider it. Forget what others think. (Or think that they think, in case they haven't been in your shoes before)

 

I don't know if this is true or not, but recently I found out that several immigrant families that I know have do or have done this--brought some kids/left some kids, or send kids to their countries while they are youngish so that the family can work. I don't know how common this practice is among immigrants as a whole, but it doesn't seem to place irreparable harm to those involved.

 

I, as a single dad, get sick and tired of the anti-dad bias in our society, so I'm trying my hardest to keep my personal feelings out of this. I think that I would seriously investigate the logistics of this with my spouse and not make a decision until I had more facts about what my family in this situation could expect. I wouldn't mention it to the kids of course, but I would talk this over with a close confidant, if I could.

 

 

[Wabi Sabi]

It would depend: how far away is your dh stationed from your home? Is it close enough to allow visits, weekends back at home, etc? I would consider it as long as we were within a day's drive, but would have second thoughts if it meant not seeing him at all for months. 

[Starr]

It's not a year, though; it's about 5 months. And I think many parents of onlies would resent the implication that their kid can't possibly know to share or take turns, lol. There will be an adjustment period when they return, of course, but thimplication that their kid can't possibly know to share or take turns, lol. There will be an adjustment period when they return, of course, but the tieme apart is just as likely to make them appreciate what they've been missing. 

 

 

In all fairness, his father is also still his father. There are many positive ways to raise kids. Sometimes it's with mom as the 'main' parent for a while; sometimes it's with dad. Sometimes it's home schooling them, sometimes it's sending them to school. We've been homeschooling for over ten years, and the main thing I've learned is that there can be great value in doing things out of the mainstream. 

 

Almost everyone expects dads to be more involved and hands-on these days, but there is still a tremendous prejudice against them taking on primary parenting duties. Some kids do indeed need to be with mom at this age. Others have an equal or greater need to be with dad. 

 

Haha sorry, no implication on only kids. Its just that he is not an only. Returning from 5 months as the only child who has immediate needs or ideas to the larger family would be an adjustment.

[maize]

Part of the equation needs to be that when dad leaves home one parent is gone but the rest of the child's environment remains the same. If you send the child with dad, that is a much bigger upheaval--new place, new childcare arrangements, multiple family members missing.

 

It could work out well, or it could be too much change all at once for the child to adjust to comfortably. That is why I would want any such arrangement to be on a trial basis.

 

It will also mean more adjustments for everyone when dad returns--siblings getting used to each other again, the child who was away readjusting to the old environment, leaving behind what may have become a comfortable preschool setting, friends and teachers he has become attached to.

 

We moved (the whole family) when one of my children was about three years old--the move was extremely disruptive for her and it took many, many months for her to settle into some kind of normal again. Not all children react this way though--my others did much better both with that move and with a previous move a couple of years before.

 

If a trial period is possible I don't think it would hurt.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

It's not a year, though; it's about 5 months. And I think many parents of onlies would resent the implication that their kid can't possibly know to share or take turns, lol. There will be an adjustment period when they return, of course, but the time apart is just as likely to make them appreciate what they've been missing. 

 

 

In all fairness, his father is also still his father. There are many positive ways to raise kids. Sometimes it's with mom as the 'main' parent for a while; sometimes it's with dad. Sometimes it's home schooling them, sometimes it's sending them to school. We've been homeschooling for over ten years, and the main thing I've learned is that there can be great value in doing things out of the mainstream. 

 

Almost everyone expects dads to be more involved and hands-on these days, but there is still a tremendous prejudice against them taking on primary parenting duties. Some kids do indeed need to be with mom at this age. Others have an equal or greater need to be with dad. 

 

 

I never said his father wasn't his father or that homeschooling is best or any of these other assumptions of yours about my proclivity toward traditional family structures. LOL :) If his father was here asking about being separated from his kids for a year for work, I would point out that he'd miss them, too. There's no paradigm to be falsely made; I was only talking to the one parent who seemed, to me, to be minimizing how much she'd likely miss her child, and who was here asking for thoughts.

 

I thought her child needed her because of his behavior, not because I assume that "moms are better."