Vent: My mom is always trying to guess what I am doing....why!?!

[lea_lpz]

A vent but my mother constantly wants to guess what I am doing. Example....she calls and I pick up the phone and say hello and she says, "oh what are you doing? Are you {insert guess here-are you sleeping, are you making dinner, are you feeding the baby}?" It is constant. She doesn't ask. She guesses. Always guesses. Can't really come up with concrete examples but today I asked if she could pick up the kids early, at 12 instead of 3:15. I have class Tuesday evenings. She "asked" "why did you need me to pick them up early? Where you going to class early early so you can so you work there?" "No but I need to wrap up some homework before I go and I could probably do it when everyone naps and does quiet time but don't want to push it if they can't nap." Maybe it seems trivial but it's every question and it gets to the point where I feel resentful and don't even want to talk. It's like anytime I try to talk she tries "to guess" my thoughts. I open my mouth and have the baby in my arms and she tries to guess- oh do you want me to change her? Are you going to feed her? It's like I can't finish a sentence or speak without her trying to anticipate it? What is this? Why? Am I just getting irritated for nothing? I admit we have a strained relationship but this is my biggest peeve right now!

[JustEm]

Does she do this with other people? If so, it's probably just an odd habit. If it's just you maybe she doesn't feel you two communicate well so she's trying to overcompensate for that.

[LucyStoner]

We had a long term houseguest who used "whatcha doin?" as his standard greeting. It drove me INSANE. It was a very innocuous habit but when someone is around you a lot even small things can seem big so I get it. I'd turn it around on her and make a little joke or guess what she is doing and then change the subject.

[mathmarm]

Deep breathes, I'm sure its a vocal tic-type habit. It sounds like she is just trying to help/support you by anticipating your needs.

 

Honestly, the guessing thing sounds annoying. I can see how a long term habit of that would be grating. Maybe you can brainstorm some helpful--and light hearted--ways to shut down the guessing? Maybe you could just sigh and tell your mom that you're so stressed right now, everything bothers you more lately: the kids doing X, the mailman who did Y, earlier when your boss said Z and, for example, even her guessing about Q pissed you off and when your neighbor did T. Stress that its little things that shouldn't bother you, but they do. And its really bothering you. Like why should you be upset about her guessing your thoughts, etc...Keep bringing it up as thought its just one tangent in your rant and ask her for her advice. Ask her what she did when she went through that phase of life...

 

By prefacing it as thought its *your* issue and not hers, maybe you can garner her symphathy and she'll be more mindful of it and cut it out.

If she doesn't, then at least you can wince and say: Mama, please don't do that guessing thing--you know it makes me crazy?

 

Totally downplay how annoying it is because she's doing it, but keep bringing back up how much it annoys you??

 

Would that help? she sounds like she's eager to help, so maybe realizing that you have a "short fuse" for the little things will make her more mindful?

[Seasider]

"What am I doing? Sitting on the sofa watching P & P for the 100th time. No, I'm ordering pizza for dinner. No, dh sends all his stuff to the cleaners. Yes, this counts as history. Now tell me, who do YOU think is the best Darcy? Hm? Hmm?!!"

[5of5]

What do you think would happen if you started saying she was right (even though she wasn't)?

[In The Great White North]

Is she lonely?

[73349]

DS will walk into the room and ask what I'm doing even when it's perfectly obvious. I have started to make stuff up. "I'm building a robot dinosaur... No, I think I was training the cat to make pancakes. No, wait, what was I doing?" and he points out that I'm actually folding the socks.

 

I would definitely do that to an adult who was guessing. "No, Mom, I'm sculpting the Eiffel Tower in marble. [Wait for her to think a second.] Oh, wait, no, I'm changing the baby."

[OH_Homeschooler]

I understand. My mom has a lot of issues too, maybe it's that it's getting harder for her to read people? But she does seem to interrupt a lot and try to anticipate what I might be trying to say. We are not in the same state so we mostly just talk on the phone, but the conversations are getting harder and harder to follow with all the interruptions. But the thing she does that annoys me the most, probably, is she almost always asks right away "Are you crying?" like she assumes I'm just sitting around crying whenever she calls me. And then when I tell her no it's like this 10 minute argument..."Really? Are you sure? OK, if you say so..." Does she WANT me to be crying? I don't get it. I hear she does this to my sister as well, though so at least it's not just me. 

 

Sorry to hijack your thread. No answers for you, but I think I can empathize. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sounds like she just doesn't have much to talk about. 

 

Maybe tell her something embarrassing like you were applying some hemorrhoid cream following changing your tampon.

[gaillardia]

I can't relate.

Have you tried ignoring that she asked a question? Or giving her a question as an answer, such as: why do you need to know? Maybe when you speak to her she is wanting/needing the whole big story before the question.

Maybe she needs more interaction and relationships with other adults.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I have someone in my life who opens telephone conversations the same way.  It's her conversational habit; she's not really curious as to what we're up to. I agree that she may be fishing for someone to ask her about how her life is going....loneliness is an issue with the person in my life.

[HS Mom in NC]

I met someone like that once. It's bizarre and exhausting and I put an end to it quickly.

 

I was visiting a church years ago and was sent to a class for young children with my preschooler (4) and 6 year old.  It was lecture style for 40 minutes with no hands on activities or songs.  Just a lecture for children on whatever the topic was.  I asked who I should talk to about that and was directed to a person like your mother.  Here's how the conversation went and how I put an end to his nonsense:
 

ME:"There's a problem with the class my children were sent to."

HIM:"Were you sent to the wrong class?"
Me: "No.." He cut me off before I could explain in the next breath and asked the next question.

HIM: "Were there children behaving badly?"

ME: "No..." He cut me off before I could explain in the next breath and asked the next question.

HIM:"Was there some sort of  bad doctrine being taught?"

ME: "No..." He cut me off before I could answer in the next breath and asked the next question.

HIM: "Was it overcrow..."

Then I interrupted him and held my hand up in a traffic cop "stop" position and said in my mother-is-very-displeased, very firm voice,
Me: "This will go so much faster if you stop guessing and let me tell you myself.  Don't interrupt me again and for future reference it's customary to wait quietly until someone is completely done with their answer and stops talking before asking another question ."

He looked stunned but he managed to keep mouth shut long enough for me to explain. Some people need firm and direct because they can't handle subtle.

[momto10blessings]

It sounds annoying. I would start doing the same thing to her.

Mom: "hello, what are you doing? Are you making dinner"

Me: "No I'm driving. What are you doing? Making dinner? Eating pink marshmallows?"

[lllll]

..

[Catwoman]

I would chalk it up to your mom loving you and wanting to be a part of your life, and I would let it go.

[Catwoman]

I met someone like that once. It's bizarre and exhausting and I put an end to it quickly.

 

I was visiting a church years ago and was sent to a class for young children with my preschooler (4) and 6 year old. It was lecture style for 40 minutes with no hands on activities or songs. Just a lecture for children on whatever the topic was. I asked who I should talk to about that and was directed to a person like your mother. Here's how the conversation went and how I put an end to his nonsense:

 

ME:"There's a problem with the class my children were sent to."

HIM:"Were you sent to the wrong class?"

Me: "No.." He cut me off before I could explain in the next breath and asked the next question.

HIM: "Were there children behaving badly?"

ME: "No..." He cut me off before I could explain in the next breath and asked the next question.

HIM:"Was there some sort of bad doctrine being taught?"

ME: "No..." He cut me off before I could answer in the next breath and asked the next question.

HIM: "Was it overcrow..."

Then I interrupted him and held my hand up in a traffic cop "stop" position and said in my mother-is-very-displeased, very firm voice,

Me: "This will go so much after if you stop guessing and let me tell you myself. Don't interrupt me again and for future reference it's customary to wait quietly until someone is completely done with their answer and stops talking before asking another question ."

He looked stunned but he managed to keep mouth shut long enough for me to explain. Some people need firm and direct because they can't handle subtle.

See, in my mind, that doesn't sound firm and direct. It sounds rude and impatient.

 

It seems like the man was only trying to be helpful.

[elfgivas]

my dad's classic answer was.... "no, i'm baking a chocolate cake."  

 

rinse.  repeat.  

 

hth,

ann

[kbutton]

I sometimes ask my kids what they're doing when I call them.  It's because I don't want to interrupt anything that needs their full attention.  And they don't always tell me that they can't talk, if, indeed, they can't talk at the exact moment I call.  Some do and some don't.  So I ask.

 

But I don't go beyond that.  And I think there's probably a MUCH better way to phrase it than I do.  I'm working on it.

 

Maybe you could just ask her WHY she's asking you such questions - constantly.  The best way to bring about change is to make her aware of what she's doing and the affect it's having on the relationship.  Assuming it's just a bad habit she's slipped into, of course, and nothing else is going on.

 

I agree. My MIL does something much like what the OP is describing, and in her case it's mind blindness from some unidentified and undiagnosed issue that is likely developmental (I'm betting at least autism spectrum). She doesn't understand sarcasm. Because she doesn't expect anyone to be straightforward (in her mind everyone is irrational but her), straightforward is still an iffy proposition, and it may require being abrupt because she won't take the answer given. Turning this whole thing on her would NOT be a good idea--she wouldn't understand, and it would make things 100 times worse.

 

I would assume this is an odd habit that she will fix if told about it. I would leave open the possibility that she's taking her cue from something you once said that might have struck her the wrong way, and now she is bringing it forward into all conversations--personality differences and the fact that she can't see your body language over the phone can lead to odd interpretations (not that you are being confusing, but some people are so opposite that communication is really, really difficult, esp. long distance). I communicate pretty well with my own mother, but sometimes the distance and lack of face-to-face conversation exacerbate small misunderstanding. She also asks if it's a good time to talk, so I think that may be behind your mom's questions. Barring all that, maybe she has some unidentified issue (or age-related decompensation) that is keeping her from responding in a typical fashion. I think that's a lot more common than most people would guess. I would try to be straightforward by asking why she does this and explaining why it bothers you and go from there.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'd just laugh and say "I'm talking to you, Mom!  What's up with you?"  If she keeps it up, just a "hold on, Mom!" can get her to stop for a moment while you tell her what she needs to know. 

[Elisabet1]

it is probably just how she communicates. If this is the worst problem you have with her, I would just count myself lucky and not sweat it. it is irritating, but you could be dealing with far worse.

[wendyroo]

My husband does a lot of annoying guessing...

 

DH - "I guess it was too snowy for you and the boys to get to the grocery store."

Me - "No, we went this morning.  That is why I am handing you the shampoo you asked me to buy you."

 

DH - "I'm guessing my package didn't come today."

Me - "No, it is on your desk where I always put your mail and packages."

 

DH - "From the smell I'm guessing dinner is going to be pot roast."

Me - "No, chicken stir fry just like is written on the menu for tonight."

 

And on and on and on...

 

Wendy

 

 

[DragonFaerie]

How about answering with, "Nope!  Guess again!" :D

[HS Mom in NC]

See, in my mind, that doesn't sound firm and direct. It sounds rude and impatient.

 

It seems like the man was only trying to be helpful.

 

I think asking a question and cutting someone off literally the instant only one word came out to be astonishingly rude.  To do it again and again in rapid fire succession literally interrupting the millisecond after one single syllable came out is even ruder. That's impatient.  My "No" was the first word in what would've been a complete sentence explaining the problem but he literally couldn't imagine I had more than a one word response and couldn't even wait to see if there was another word to follow before he jumped in and insisted on his game-show-in-the-crazy-person's head he seemed to be have playing to beat the clock.  Bizarre and rude.

 

If someone tell you there's a problem, sit quietly and let them explain.  Don't start guess every possibility instead of listening to them explain.  It's rude and crazy....and remarkably inefficient.

[Angie in VA]

"What am I doing? Sitting on the sofa watching P & P for the 100th time. No, I'm ordering pizza for dinner. No, dh sends all his stuff to the cleaners. Yes, this counts as history. Now tell me, who do YOU think is the best Darcy? Hm? Hmm?!!"

 

 

I realize this was not really a serious question, but I can't let it lie. Colin Firth. That is all!

 

:laugh:

[Ausmumof3]

If it's over the phone she's probably checking if it's ok to talk longer. My mil does it but it's only because she's conscious of how busy life is with little kids and home schooling so she doesn't want to tie me up at a busy time.

[Seasider]

If it's over the phone she's probably checking if it's ok to talk longer. My mil does it but it's only because she's conscious of how busy life is with little kids and home schooling so she doesn't want to tie me up at a busy time.

This really could be it. Often when I call my busy mom friends I will ask them, "Are you in the middle of something right now, or do you have a few minutes to talk?" I am not really asking what they're in the middle of, I really just want to be sure they are available before I plow into the conversation. Perhaps this is what your mom actually means, and it just comes out in a string of questions.

[Tap]

She sounds like a verbal processor and that is just her brain trying to identify what you need.  It sounds like she is trying to be helpful and her brain is trying to anticipate what you need so she can try to provide a solution. But instead of it just happening silently in her brain, it is happening out loud.

 

I would sit her down and very kindly explain that you appreciate how much she tries to help you, but would appreciate it if she would just let you explain what you need, instead of her guessing.  I would try to help her understand that for you, you puts the conversation off on a negative first step, because you are having to tell her 'no, I am not doing that....I am doing xyz."  It is awkward to start a conversation with a negative first step. Point out that you know she is trying to save you from having to explain what you need, but it takes longer to correct her than to just say it yourself.

 

 It can be hard to point something out, but it is harder to live with it and that isn't really fair to either of you to keep a growing animosity. 

 

 

 

 

I just went through this with my husband, who kept trying to give me analogies for things that didn't need analogies  :banghead:

 

 

 

[Tanaqui]

See, in my mind, that doesn't sound firm and direct. It sounds rude and impatient.

 

You're right, the man did sound incredibly rude and impatient. Really, she is to be commended for the remarkable restraint she showed in not sinking all the way down to his level.

 

[DragonFaerie]

If it's over the phone she's probably checking if it's ok to talk longer. My mil does it but it's only because she's conscious of how busy life is with little kids and home schooling so she doesn't want to tie me up at a busy time.

 

My mom does this.  She'll usually open a phone call with, "Hi, are you working?"  Or, "Hi, are you eating lunch?"  She's just trying to make sure I can talk given our busy schedule, which I appreciate.

[Guest]

No advice, but my DH does something a little like this and it is driving me bat-shista-bonkers. When he comes home or enters a room where I am, he is always asking, "what are you doing? What are you reading? Who are you texting? Where are you going? Etc." It just bugs me.

[Acadie]

My MIL has a habit of telling us what we're probably doing.  As in, her voicemails always begin with some variation of "You're probably still at work/out at church/going to bed," and it's never what we're actually doing.  She assumes quite a bit overall, actually, about other people's lives.  She told my SIL that it was taking a while for me to get pregnant because my body had to adjust to being off birth control, when in fact I'd never used hormonal BC at all!  And the layers of her talking to her daughter about that who then reported it to me…oy.

 

It used to bug me because it felt like part of an overall pattern of being presumptuous and intrusive.  I've worked on boundaries and the "You're probably…" doesn't bother me anymore.  It's just her, and I'm learning so vividly that I'd like to be a MIL who respects boundaries and the independent personhood of my adult children and their significant others.

 

Could it be part of a larger pattern of interacting or relating that bothers you, or that points to something you'd like to change in your relationship?

 

Amy

[PeachyDoodle]

No advice, but my DH does something a little like this and it is driving me bat-shista-bonkers. When he comes home or enters a room where I am, he is always asking, "what are you doing? What are you reading? Who are you texting? Where are you going? Etc." It just bugs me.

 

My DH does this too. And he is so nosy; he has to know the content of every conversation I ever have.

 

"How's your Mom? What did you talk about?"

 

"Did you have a nice time with your friend? Did you talk about anything interesting?"

 

:banghead:

 

[Guest]

My DH does this too. And he is so nosy; he has to know the content of every conversation I ever have.

 

"How's your Mom? What did you talk about?"

 

"Did you have a nice time with your friend? Did you talk about anything interesting?"

 

:banghead:

 

I feel ya. Same here. It bugs me the most when I'm reading. I can't give a dissertation on my reading material WHILE I'm reading it.

[lea_lpz]

Update: Sorry for not responding!  Busy, busy week.  I have a little less than one week left before the end of my semester.  I am in a masters program for educational counseling.  And I have an eight month old who just started crawling.  And a my oldest daughter is having recital practice every day in preparation for the Nutcracker and then oh yes, I homeschool, so than there's that (good reason to be doing "Christmas School" after Thanksgiving. But I appreciate all the different perspectives which is why I thought I would post about this as it has been getting to the point of bothering me.  Admittedly, due to my school, baby, homeschool, and my kids activities I am definitely at a point where I am feeling like I have less patience to not let things get to me that normally I could brush off.  I'm probably hormonal, too, lol, but I think when it gets to the heart of it all, it's a bit of what a lot of people or suggesting.  

 

For one, I think its an over all issue with commuticating that I have.  She does the same sort of stuff in person, not just on the phone, and because I often am busy and don't have a lot of time to talk, I would rather just get to the point and say what I have to say or answer the question without the whole guessing dance. 

 

My mom is probably lonely.  She relocated over here about 3 years ago to be closer to us and my extended family after a forclosure and hasn't worked since the move.  Most of her siblings living close by still work, even retired, are very busy and still working part time or helping care for grandchildren.  I feel like she's got to much time on her hands frankly.  I tried to get her to volunteer with our AHG troop for a bit because I thought it would be good for her to get out and kids always loved my mom, but it met to late for her and was a half hour drive so it didn't work out too well.  She watches my kids once a week for me when I go to class and has them occassionally on weekends (maybe 1 every other month or so).  I would do more with her but it's hard because my life is pretty busy and she doesn't like to just hang out at her house or mine.  I just don't like dragging baby around all day.  She doesn't like working around baby's schedule, and likes to do things that aren't really practical with a baby- shopping, going out to eat at restaurants, all-day day trips to places, etc. 

 

And I often am busy or rushed when she is picking up the kids or dropping them off, so it could be here way to just see if I am busy.  i just think it'd be easier if she just let me answer or say what it is I am thinking. 

 

Overall though it's the communication things!  She just doesn't really listen to what people are saying period.  You can often tell when you talk that she is zoned out and not listening.  Last Christmas she asked my husband how my stepson's mother was doing because she was due any day, and he was explaining how her doctor was very worried for her health and the baby's due to her having a high risk pregnancy.  She had pre-eclempsia and I don't know the term but basically her utereus was too low and it was causing the baby not to be getting all the nutrients it should be getting, and my responded with a smile, "well that's nice" looking dazed.  This is constant.  Phone and in person conversations often go something like this.  She also assumes a lot of things without actually asking.  

 

The other things is she's usually totally off.  And she's very over-sensitive.  The other day she knocked on the door and so I answered but I had been in the middle of breastfeeding and so was trying to answer with the baby still attached and the dog barking and trying to not let him out with my foot and she was like, "what's wrong?" and I was like "nothing except I'm trying to answer the door and breastfeed and not let the dog out," I said laughing, and then she was like, "why are taking it out on me it's not my fault!" and I was like "I never said it was.  If I look like I'm struggling, it's because it's kind of hard to do that."  then she was like, "sheesh, drop it."  This is sort of constant.  And when she wants my attention, it's like I must give all my undivided attention on her.  Even if I have a 4 year old asking me to take them to the bathroom.  Or a baby to juggle.  Or some other immediate need.  Seriously, she can hear a blood curdling scream in the background on the phone and I can say, "gotta let you go, my son just fell and looks like he bumped his head" or "let me call you back, my dinner is on fire!" and she'd still be talking, saying something like, "oh that's nice, blah, blah, blah......and then if I had to be really blunt and say, "ok, I really need to go now.  bye." because you know, trying to politely let her know is not working, then I am rude and i hung up on her.  yep.

[lea_lpz]

I understand. My mom has a lot of issues too, maybe it's that it's getting harder for her to read people? But she does seem to interrupt a lot and try to anticipate what I might be trying to say. We are not in the same state so we mostly just talk on the phone, but the conversations are getting harder and harder to follow with all the interruptions. But the thing she does that annoys me the most, probably, is she almost always asks right away "Are you crying?" like she assumes I'm just sitting around crying whenever she calls me. And then when I tell her no it's like this 10 minute argument..."Really? Are you sure? OK, if you say so..." Does she WANT me to be crying? I don't get it. I hear she does this to my sister as well, though so at least it's not just me.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread. No answers for you, but I think I can empathize.

^^ sounds just like my mom. And if you assure her you are not upset, angry, etc, she doesn't believe me and literally makes me get to that feeling by her insistence

[Katy]

Ugh, my mom gets like that too.  When she says something ridiculously overly sensitive, this is my routine:  Stare blankly for three seconds, blink slowly three times as if whatever she said just does. not. compute.  Next, overly solicitous apology along the lines of, "If what I just said offended you I apologize, I certainly did not mean that.  ALL I meant was _____________" (explaining whatever just happened from my perspective).  Usually she then sees she's being a selfish idiot and calms down.

 

Also, never answer the door for family when breastfeeding.  Yell for them to come in or have a kid get it for you.

 

And for the question question question thing I think you have to confront it unless you want it to continue.  You could be upfront, you could mirror the same thing back to her in a way that indicates how annoying it is, or you could figure out how to tease her about it if she takes that sort of thing well.  I'd opt to tease, but that probably depends more on the person and if they'd get it or not.

[Janie Grace]

I can imagine that this is really annoying (my mom does annoying things on the phone, too). But if I put myself in her shoes and imagine that my dd is grown up, I bet she misses you. She probably thinks about you a lot (your day, what you're up to) and so that comes out when she talks to you. Maybe being right would make her feel more connected and she keeps hoping that will happen. :)