DawnM Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 People do bug me periodically, as I think is fairly normal. However, there are very few people I truly want nothing to do with. I am seriously thinking if this person doesn't leave the group I am in, I will need to leave. UGH. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Sometimes it needs to be done. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Yup. And I have always been relieved for a while, and then ticked off at myself for either 1) staying so long or 2) letting one lousy person stop me from having something that is otherwise really good. Hence my extreme care never to burn my bridges when I go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Yes. Once IRL. I needed to do it and have no regrets. Be prepared to answer why you left to other members of the group (I had others ask me). I had to fudge my reply because I didn't want to color anyone else's view of that person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Yes. We just left a travel baseball team because the manager was a lying, manipulative a**. We left a Sunday school class because of one woman--I felt that the teacher was letting her say things that were heretical. Everyone disagreed with her, but no one would say anything but me. That's kind of the story of my life, now that I think about it: I say what everyone else is thinking. My daughter left a gym because of the bars coach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Yes and with no regrets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 yes - it only takes one person Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 People do bug me periodically, as I think is fairly normal. However, there are very few people I truly want nothing to do with. I am seriously thinking if this person doesn't leave the group I am in, I will need to leave. UGH. Dawn A group in real life or online? I don't take it all that seriously, honestly. Real life might bother me, if I felt waves of condemnation and anger coming at me, but not online. I guess in my professional capacity, I learned to deal with that, and I tend to focus more on ideas and principles and not mix those up with my emotions. Or at least I am honest about responding emotionally, and say, "Well, I am having trouble getting past this in a personal way, because X happened to me, and I think that might be affecting my response to this". I only wish this detachment skill transferred so easily to dealing with my own teens when they have said mean things. Talk about upsetting. It's personal then,and they also know every button to push. A mom here really helped me with that, actually, and I even printed out her words and posted them on my door! Sometimes the ones who say what you do not want to hear are helping you the most. Someone online or even in real life, if I don't know them well or their motivations? Eh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Yes, she had a weird girl crush/obsession with me, often saying inappropriate things. She was obsessed with my breasts (often making comments about them). It was weird. She entered my friend circle and I moved on :/ Eww. That would be strange. I tend to call people out on stuff like that though. "Hey, Janet, don't you think commenting on my large breasts is kind of weird and makes me uncomfortable?" (Blank stare). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Eww. That would be strange. I tend to call people out on stuff like that though. "Hey, Janet, don't you think commenting on my large breasts is kind of weird and makes me uncomfortable?" (Blank stare). Tried that :/ Said person didn't get it and thought it was funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 yes... but it was more than just because they bugged me. What they are doing is borderline wrong... and it's annoying in the extreme. I did speak to someone in charge about it, but nothing changed and in some ways it got worse!...so I left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Yes. There are definitely people I avoid like the plague. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I have left dysfunctional groups, but I have never left a functional group over one person. I tend to make that one person the butt of my jokes until they leave me alone. But I went to school for eight years as the only girl in my class with all boys and when I stand up for myself I do it highly effectively. I manage to be friends with people other people find difficult because my boundaries are rock solid, and crossing them puts other people at odds, not me, lol. I have family members that get away with some stuff, but that is my dh's boundaries issues, not mine, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I have left dysfunctional groups, but I have never left a functional group over one person. I tend to make that one person the butt of my jokes until they leave me alone. But I went to school for eight years as the only girl in my class with all boys and when I stand up for myself I do it highly effectively. I manage to be friends with people other people find difficult because my boundaries are rock solid, and crossing them puts other people at odds, not me, lol. I have family members that get away with some stuff, but that is my dh's boundaries issues, not mine, lol. Do you run classes???!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes...one person can ruin it for everyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 yes... but it was more than just because they bugged me. What they are doing is borderline wrong... and it's annoying in the extreme. I did speak to someone in charge about it, but nothing changed and in some ways it got worse!...so I left. Yes, this exactly. And I am glad I did, because after I left, it got a lot worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes, once IRL. She had a violent child. A few of us talked to her privately but she insisted his behavior was within the range of normal. So, I left and started another group that met a different day of the week so people could choose to go to both if they wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 yes... but it was more than just because they bugged me. What they are doing is borderline wrong... and it's annoying in the extreme. I did speak to someone in charge about it, but nothing changed and in some ways it got worse!...so I left. Yes, this exactly. And I am glad I did, because after I left, it got a lot worse. Same for me. In organizational psych, that person is known as "the troublesome other" and if they're left to their own devices, the make the whole group dysfunctional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 This is IRL. It is a leadership situation. It is coming to a head soon and if things are not resolved a few of us will most likely leave. I can't really say more than that right now because if I start answering questions it will need even more explaining and will give out too much info. It is stressful and painful and is causing all sorts of issues. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I've left a group over one person. I could have detached myself enough to deal with her sense of entitlement, lack of respect for others, and a possible personality disorder. :rolleyes: However when I finally came to the realization that her presence would keep the group from achieving the actual goal of he group, I left. They did eventually reach their goal, bit only after removing her, going through mediation, and giving her money back although she was not legally entitled to it at that point. A lot of bad stuff happened between when I left and she left. I'm glad I missed it in person, though I did provide support to others still in the group so I was privy to the sordid tale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I can think of only one person in the world I would do that for right now. But yes, I would do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I have *not joined* a group I wanted to because of a married couple. Attending would mean my kids would be around theirs and I was very unimpressed with their reactions to their children's mistreatment of mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Yes, I am very sad that I do not participate in this group anymore as I believe in the cause greatly. The actions of this one person changed the dynamics of the group so that I no longer felt welcome. This person then was able to invite more people like her and that made the group meetings to stressful. Her complete disrespect for my husband and myself was the last straw. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes, once IRL. She had a violent child. A few of us talked to her privately but she insisted his behavior was within the range of normal. So, I left and started another group that met a different day of the week so people could choose to go to both if they wanted. If people could choose to do both, how would you have handled that family coming? (I all because if one family in my group...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 This is IRL. It is a leadership situation. It is coming to a head soon and if things are not resolved a few of us will most likely leave. I can't really say more than that right now because if I start answering questions it will need even more explaining and will give out too much info. It is stressful and painful and is causing all sorts of issues. Dawn I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Once online; I left. Two people in the group were wacko: 1) bound and determined to make something that wasn't anything into something, and 2) someone else was going to pick a fight with me, no matter what it was. I didn't need to be part of the group, and I cared about real people in the group who could have gotten hurt, so I left quietly. Once IRL, I was on a team of three leading a homeschool group that came together to accomplish a specific yearlong task. We had a difficult situation with a person in the group, and when none of us could make her happy, we told her to "fish or cut bait." When our task was done, several of the mothers kept their relationship/friendships going, but I was relieved to be able to move on. Glad it was in the past. Our mission was accomplished nicely though--as a group we did well, and our kids will always have the good memories of what we moms did together for/with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes - not because of my own discomfort, but because being around this family was affecting our kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes, with an online group. It was a situation where everyone was supposed to assent to new members and someone jumped the gun and invited someone else before all the votes were in. The new person was so obnoxious that a bunch of us left and formed a new group. I nearly did with an IRL group. We had a situation with a set of twin toddlers who bit, HARD, repeatedly. The mother did nothing. Thankfully she was asked not to come back until she got it under control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 If people could choose to do both, how would you have handled that family coming? (I all because if one family in my group...) I invited the other moms who talked with the mom of the violent kid (I'll call her Cordelia and her son Beauregard for flair) to join me as they didn't want their kids around hers either. I was careful to point out that I was not trying to get them to choose between us and that I was providing an alternate that wouldn't conflict with the original group. I let them know I was in no way offended if they opted not to join me and chose to stay in spite of Beauregard. As you can imagine, most came to my new group. The other mothers who didn't talk to Cordelia about Beauregard's behavior with me were those I had never heard voice complaints. I waited until they asked me later where I'd been to tell them only what they needed to know: I was not willing to allow my children to be around Beauregard, Cordelia disagreed with my assessment of the situation when I talked to her privately about it (I didn't speak on anyone else's behalf or even mention they were involved in speaking to her) so was starting another group Corderia and Beauregard weren't invited to-the others were welcome. I made sure they each understood I specifically chose the meeting day and time to not conflict with the original group. I asked them to be discreet and not mention it to Cordelia because there was no point in speaking of it further. One of them told me she wasn't surprised based on what she'd of Beauregard's behavior. The few others who asked me where I'd gone had no comment about Beauregard's behavior when I explained. I have no idea what they thought. Some came to my group. I don't know if they also attended the original group too. There was no reason for me to ask them if they were going to both so I didn't ask. A few years later a mom I'll call Guenevere who knew Cordelia made her way to my group having no idea about the history. She filled me in on the following: Guenevere knew Cordelia because they were both childbirth instructors and interacted with each other in that capacity. At some point Guenevere mentioned my name in relation to homeschooling. Cordelia said something along the lines of that meaning Guenevere must know all about the history since she had been in my group. Of course, Guenevere had no idea and asked me about it the next time she saw me. I told her what I told anyone from that group who asked. That was about 14 years ago. Cordelia and I have crossed paths a couple of times since at the state homeschool convention. Each time I smiled and said, "Hi." like to do to anyone else I know that I meet there. She politely smiled and said "Hi." back. If someone who didn't know the background had invited her to my group I assume she would decline. If not I would have to wait until her child was being violent to take her aside and say, "I'm sorry. Your son is not behaving and he'll have to leave." When it's at your house, you get to call the shots....and advertise the group, clean up before and after, handle any issues that pop up when you're hosting something in your house, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes IRL and online. WHen it gets to the point where I dread going to xyz because I will have to put you someone's nonsense and all that person does is bring me down yes I leave. Life's too short to have my energy drained away by a jerk. WHen it came to IRL I tended to work my way up the chain to push for change first (or while gone). THe most recent case was with my teens army cadet corps. Old CO was run out by a slanderous crazy b*tch who is still a leader there, got a new CO. crazy b*tch lied about my ds16 to get him kicked off a team heading into competition that weekend because she wanted a different kid on it. I called CO out on it, CO threatened me staying if I contacted WInnipeg things would get more difficult for my teens. I refused to bring them back to cadets, did in fact contact Winnipeg and new CO is now old O. THe crazy b*tch who thought she would get to take over is still nothing but a leader, but is one that no one trusts because of her lies and underhanded bs that she thought should could keep secret but I informed the parents committee of exactly why I had to step down as vice chair when we left the group. SO now a different leader has returned as our new CO, He is a good man, best friends with my exFIL and my kids are back in the corps. So we left due to new CO and threats, came back when he was gone, but I have made it very clear to crazy b*tch that I don't trust her, I think she lacks and morals and should not be allowed to influence the lives of young people, however, the corps itself is a good program for my teens and I trust the new new CO to do right by them not just because of his role but also because of his friendship with their grand-dad, so they are back and I am keeping an eye on her and her actions. If it is just affecting me I just walk away no regrets, if it is affecting my kids I fight for their right to be part of the group in a safe and welcoming manner it seems. It really depends because sometimes its just better to cut your losses and move on. THis summer we skipped single parents bible camp specifically because I was worried that a particular dad was going to be there. HE completely ruined camp for us the year before and I figured it was better to skip it entirely than have it ruined again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I'm finally learning that sometimes it's not worth putting up with particular people when you have the choice of doing so or not doing so. I've been guilty in the past of having my children continue in activities where the other kids or (usually) adult leaders were not good for them. I generally have this "just stick with it" attitude, and tried to get the kids to stick with things because I think there's value in persistence. In the last couple of years, though, I've come to see that persistence is pointless when the person in charge is toxic. For example, when the coach of a team ignores them, or uses foul language, or is arbitrary in his treatment. In fact, I just removed my youngest from an activity this morning after he reported, for the third week running, that the older boys were being mean and nasty. The adult in charge decided that it was all ds's fault and that the older boys' behaviour was just fine. While ds is no angel, he almost never has any similar trouble with other activities he's in, so I'm inclined to believe that there is considerable fault on both sides. Plus older reliable dd confirmed that she thinks the boys in question are not at all well behaved, from her personal observation of them. When the adult in charge decided that it was entirely up to ds to adapt his behaviour to fit the group, I decided it was time to leave. I think it's just fine to leave a group over one person if this person spoils the group experience, especially if the person is a leader. Life's too short to waste time with unpleasant people, especially when there are so many wonderful people out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Tried that :/ Said person didn't get it and thought it was funny. That's weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Sadly yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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