The Dreaded Call

[Storygirl]

 Att the nursing home's suggestion, we arranged for visits just before bedtime.  The family would come in visit for awhile. A nurse would come to put her in her PJ's and the family would head out to the waiting room. 

 

I just wanted to piggyback on this comment for a minute. We found with my mom that it was helpful to time our visits so that they were just before an activity or a meal. That way, as we are saying goodbye, she could be redirected toward something else. "It's time for you to eat now. They are going to show you to your table. I'll see you tomorrow..." She wouldn't be able to linger around, watching us leave, begging for us to take her home as we were going out the door. It made it easier for all of us emotionally.

[Melissa in Australia]

more hugs Jean :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

 

I , in a pervious life am a personal carer of elderly in their home ( or a relatives care). I have seem the same exhausted look in so many relatives who struggle to care for their relative. It is exhausting emotionally, physically and mentally.

 I am fully supporting your family's hard decision as one who has seen repeatedly from the outside what the stresses are

[melmichigan]

Many, many  :grouphug: 's Jean.

I hope that the transition goes as smooth as possible and you are all able to get back to just being a family.  You did everything you could to keep them in their own home for so long, be gentle with yourself in the coming days and weeks while they adjust.  

[kbutton]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

This is a long shot, but I read that some people with dementia do well with written communication (reading, not expressing themselves in writing). Maybe a note that your FIL could put in his pocket would be nice, and aides could remind him to read it when he's worried and wants to go home--something encouraging and short maybe. It might say something indirect so that it's not a physical reminder of how often he's asked and forgotten that he asked.

 

However you handle the calls, you're doing a great job, and I'm glad your inlaws are getting the care they need.

[Laurel-in-CA]

Dh is talking to SIL.  FIL just cannot understand that he was not able to take care of MIL.  He absolutely hated having home health care in his house too but we had to have them there.  The doctor was absolutely right in insisting on it.  But we quickly realized that home health care was still not enough.  FIL himself also needs help (though not as much as MIL needs) but cannot understand that.  Dh knows all this.  SIL knows it too.  But how to communicate that to FIL? That's the problem.  

 

I would just keep blaming the doctor. They don't have his direct phone number. (Tongue in cheek here, with great sympathy.)

 

It's never an easy thing to deal with declining parents, and when they refuse to recognize they can no longer be independent it can be just heart-breaking.

 

They do need time to adjust to their new environment, but also to having consistent care. It may end up helping them both to have consistent meals, consistent meds, company and activities, etc. But it will take them time to recognize that and consider the new place "home." My mom never quit complaining about the cooking at assisted living, but she eventually loved having us as her guests in the dining room, introducing us proudly to her neighbors, etc. Maybe make a lunch date with them a few days/weeks away as something to look forward to. Lunch with family on Wednesday. etc.

 

Post-it notes work well.

[Susan Wise Bauer]

TranquilMind,

 

Could you please begin a new thread rather than continuing to post on this one? (I believe that is your intention. Please carry it through, either way.)

 

SWB

[Punks in Ontario]

This thread is boggling my mind.

 

I just wanted to say from the corner, hang in there Jean.  You're doing the right, caring thing.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[kahlanne]

So sorry that you are going through this. While my uncle had power of attorney over my grandfather and he made all the financial decisions, he expected me to help with his care. My granddad lived with us up until my father passed and  I was the closest relative he had besides my brothers who are younger and too immature to help. Anyway, my granddad could be aggravating and argumentative on a normal day but as his Alzheimers progressed, it worsened. My granddad never thought he would outlive his wife and 4 of his 5 sons along with all of his siblings. He wasn't close to any of his grandkids with the exception on myself and brothers. Growing up with him, we argued ferociously to prove our point but never harbored any ill will and always knew it was "safe" arguments.  For this reason when he entered the nursing home and wanted to return home, I was nice and supportive of his feelings but firm. My uncle always sidestepped his begging to be able to return home or he gave excuses about the doctor or it would be a short while after he recovered knowing how untrue it was. I told my grandfather bluntly that I understand and wish things could be different but that his life has changed. He can't care for himself and neither could we so he is where he will be until he passed so he might as well find ways to enjoy it. He refused saying soon his son would get him home just as he said. I told my uncle that was false hope and more harmful in the long run then telling him the harsh truth and allowing him to adjust. It was years before my uncle would accept that. My granddad had to be removed from 4 homes due to running away, dislike, and son promising the next will be better. Finally uncle had enough and asked me to handle it. I had a talk with my granddad about his attitude and he said he had no friends. I told him that when I was little and felt sorry for myself he was quick to point out that that did no good.  To make friends I had to be friendly and give it a shot. He turned his hearing aid off. LOL. I told him I could yell if I had to.  He admitted to not going to the functions or even trying to speak to anyone. I forced him to eat in the dining room that day and slowly he made a few lady friends. Slowly but surely he stopped focusing on going home but I strongly believe it was partially due to my uncle finally telling him he wasn't returning home, no false hope. At first my uncle told me he could not be as cold as I but in the end he said its exactly what was needed. There were many times that the nursing home sidestepped my uncle to call me to calm granddad down. A few times granddad brought up living with my uncle or another relative and not understanding why this wasn't possible. I was again blunt and told him because during your earlier life you chose to keep people, even relatives, at a distance. You didn't need to have a closeness with them and now it isn't there to fall back on. The ones you chose to accept into your inner circle have sadly passed too early and the ones left behind are not an option. My brothers are too young and immature. I am not an option because I have several young kids and can't care for you. You tried living with uncle once before but wouldn't budge on any disagreement so it almost destroyed your relationship even without your illness and age. Sorry but this is your best option so make the most of it. Even though I lived out of state, I visited more than my uncle and he never had any other visitors. I loved my paw and would do anything to make his life better but lying or sugar coating reality wasn't going to help even if it seemed nicer. It was difficult because several thought I was too harsh but each time that I visited even with our disagreements, I could see him light up. Even as his disease progressed and he couldn't remember me, there was a light in his eyes when we visited that was different than when someone else entered the room. His mind may not have known me but his spirit did. Slowly he accepted his lot in life and even began to make friends. He wasn't as happy as he would have been if he didn't have alzheimers and was able to live in his own home but it was what life gave him. He dealt well until the end which was just this past July.  I went to his funeral with no regrets knowing that he knew I loved him and did everything I could for him. Anyway, I say all of that to encourage you that while it is tough, it is sometimes necessary. Maybe your situation is different but I would  suggest being honest with your inlaws as much as possible. I know you may not have the same relationship I had with my granddad that allowed me to argue as a means of showing love but I can't imagine anyone would like to be deceived. Not saying that you have or will but I know many suggested to me that it would be better to let him believe he can come out in the future. Regardless of what happens, know that even if you can't care for them personally, you haven't failed. It is tough to be the caregiver and sometimes just as difficult to be the one deciding on a path they don't want. Sorry for all the ramblings. Prayers sent.

[violamama]

My dad had to go on a medication a few years ago that temporarily gave him some mannerisms similar to Alzheimer's or other brain damaging illnesses. It was so disconcerting and I found it a huge eye-opener to how many people have these difficulties in their families. I'm so sorry, Jean.

 

When my dad was in that state (strangely angry, asking repeated questions, frustration pointed at the wrong things) I found myself imagining a healthy version of him looking over my shoulder. It helped me to imagine my normally very supportive and rational dad helping me decide what to do or how to respond.

 

I hope the transition kinks are just temporary kinks. It sounds like one good outcome has been that your family has come to a consensus about care needed from here on out.

 

Big hugs to you and I really hope you have people around you willing to step in in practical ways. Elder care is one of those things our culture doesn't support very well. Give us a baby shower or a funeral and we might step up all right, but years of grueling and doubt-filled service to an impaired family member leaves us completely unhelpful.

 

Please be gentle with yourself. Hugs.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Don't know how this is going to end.  BIL took FIL home yesterday and allowed him to take his car back to the facility.  So one point for us in that FIL stayed at the facility one more day.  One point for FIL (a dangerous one in my opinion) in that he got his car.  FIL also got the contract for their stay there - his main point is trying to get his money back.  Doctor's appointment is tomorrow.  They may convince them to stay long enough to get a Filipino caretaker to come and live with them.  That's fine with me (though honestly not as good as a locked unit with round-the-clock nursing) but I am not going to be involved.  

 

Kahlanne, with my dad who died at 92 and was as sharp as a tack to the day he died, wanted to keep driving past the time it was safe.  I had to get in his face (figuratively) about it but he understood that it was dangerous (his mind was sharp but his reflexes and his vision were not) so he gave it up.  I told him that I understood how hard it was - it is hard to lose that ability to be independent but we also have a responsibility to keep the road safe for everyone.  What makes me incandescent (thanks for that word, Sadie!) is that FIL doesn't care about others on the road and he's already caused one accident on the freeway.  (Now he says he'll only drive short distances but that's only until he decides to drive somewhere that requires a freeway, in which case his promise doesn't count any more.)  Dh says that they will talk to the doctor about it.  

[NorthwestMom]

You could ask someone to report him (thus saving you having to be responsible for that) : http://www.dol.wa.gov/driverslicense/reportunsafe.html

 

or..........

 

If you were to make adjustments under the hood so the car wouldn't start, would he be able to diagnose and fix the problem himself? Or would the car have to be towed away to get "fixed"?

 

I know it sounds unethical (especially to people who have never dealt with a demented driver), but sometimes we do what we have to do to keep others safe and reduce the conflict.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to you and your DH!!

[Tammyla]

Oh, Jean. 

 

I do hope the situation settles and works out.  I almost hope he can't get his money back (at least quickly) and he and mil are allowed time to settle in and get comfortable.  I'm pretty afraid thinking he will be out there driving or being in charge of their lives with his Alzheimer's.  Just thinking about someone suffering from Alzheimers is tough, but him caring for his wife with dementia and other medical needs, would make any family member fret.

I do hope the doctor is able to help.

 

Do you and your family have any type of local support?   

[NorthwestMom]

 

 

Do you and your family have any type of local support?   

 

 

Great question! Many years ago, I attended an Alzheimer's Caregivers Suport Group out of Evergreen Hospital and it was truly helpful.  Perhaps they have one at Overlake? The support group was where I heard the "car won't start trick".....

[texasmama]

We had to hide dh's grandmother's car keys. I'm sorry that things continue to be up in the air. I support you setting limits on what you can personally be involved with.

[violamama]

You could ask someone to report him (thus saving you having to be responsible for that) : http://www.dol.wa.gov/driverslicense/reportunsafe.html

 

or..........

 

If you were to make adjustments under the hood so the car wouldn't start, would he be able to diagnose and fix the problem himself? Or would the car have to be towed away to get "fixed"?

 

I know it sounds unethical (especially to people who have never dealt with a demented driver), but sometimes we do what we have to do to keep others safe and reduce the conflict.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to you and your DH!!

My MIL had to adjust things under the hood of her dad's car for safety reasons, too. 

[brehon]

You could ask someone to report him (thus saving you having to be responsible for that) : http://www.dol.wa.gov/driverslicense/reportunsafe.html

 

or..........

 

If you were to make adjustments under the hood so the car wouldn't start, would he be able to diagnose and fix the problem himself? Or would the car have to be towed away to get "fixed"?

 

I know it sounds unethical (especially to people who have never dealt with a demented driver), but sometimes we do what we have to do to keep others safe and reduce the conflict.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you and your DH!!

I'm not ashamed to admit that my family performed a "Sound of Music" maneuver with one set of my grandparents. It was too dangerous to allow them to drive. [insert Huge frustrating story of "only" being a granddaughter, knowing what was happening, and having none of the family who could effect a change have the moral courage to do so]

[Jean in Newcastle]

The problem is that while SIL, dh and I are all on the same page, BIL (SIL's husband) is not.  He will enable FIL in whatever FIL wants to do, including looking under the hood for him and fixing it.  You don't want to know what I think about BIL. . . . .  FIL knows that BIL is his only ally (though really the rest of us are the ones who are truly looking out for his best interests) and is now only calling BIL.  

[Truscifi]

Don't know how this is going to end.  BIL took FIL home yesterday and allowed him to take his car back to the facility.  So one point for us in that FIL stayed at the facility one more day.  One point for FIL (a dangerous one in my opinion) in that he got his car.  FIL also got the contract for their stay there - his main point is trying to get his money back.  Doctor's appointment is tomorrow.  They may convince them to stay long enough to get a Filipino caretaker to come and live with them.  That's fine with me (though honestly not as good as a locked unit with round-the-clock nursing) but I am not going to be involved.  

 

Kahlanne, with my dad who died at 92 and was as sharp as a tack to the day he died, wanted to keep driving past the time it was safe.  I had to get in his face (figuratively) about it but he understood that it was dangerous (his mind was sharp but his reflexes and his vision were not) so he gave it up.  I told him that I understood how hard it was - it is hard to lose that ability to be independent but we also have a responsibility to keep the road safe for everyone.  What makes me incandescent (thanks for that word, Sadie!) is that FIL doesn't care about others on the road and he's already caused one accident on the freeway.  (Now he says he'll only drive short distances but that's only until he decides to drive somewhere that requires a freeway, in which case his promise doesn't count any more.)  Dh says that they will talk to the doctor about it.  

 

Is he still able/safe to drive? We wound up talking to my grandfather's doctor about his driving ability - he truly was a danger on the road, though he didn't see it that way - prior to an appointment, and the doc told him he couldn't drive anymore. The doc also gave us a letter to take to the DMV and we had his DL suspended. Perhaps something like that would help convince your FIL he can't move back home right now?

 

ETA on reading more closely I saw that your dh is already planning on talking to the doc. I would suggest he do so privately before the appointment to make sure the doc is on the same page. It would be very counterproductive for the doc to brush off his concerns or say FIL is fine to drive in front of FIL.

[brehon]

The problem is that while SIL, dh and I are all on the same page, BIL (SIL's husband) is not. He will enable FIL in whatever FIL wants to do, including looking under the hood for him and fixing it. You don't want to know what I think about BIL. . . . . FIL knows that BIL is his only ally (though really the rest of us are the ones who are truly looking out for his best interests) and is now only calling BIL.

I completely understand what you are feeling and I'm very sorry you're walking this road. I can imagine what you feel about your BIL because I probably felt those same feelings. I know you, your dh, and SIL are doing what's right. This is a very hard situation. Your SIL and possibly your dh will have to (figuratively) go to toe-to-toe with BIL. And unfortunately there is every chance that it will not help.

 

I wish I had good advice; but, these things are so very state specific. I'll be thinking of you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Truscifi - they are sending the doctor an e-mail before the visit outlining all the things that they can't say in front of FIL so that the doctor will know the situation.  My family culture is such that I could say things directly to or in front of my parents but theirs is not.  And that's one reason I'm fretting about this from the sidelines.  In the past, I've been the one with no real say but who still did the grunt work but I've decided that I have to put up a boundary for my own sake to not do the grunt work on all of this.  This still creates a lot of stress for me though because it feels wrong to not help even when I know that my help would be enabling things that are unhealthy.  

[texasmama]

In the past, I've been the one with no real say but who still did the grunt work but I've decided that I have to put up a boundary for my own sake to not do the grunt work on all of this. This still creates a lot of stress for me though because it feels wrong to not help even when I know that my help would be enabling things that are unhealthy.

This is my role in dh's grandmother's care, as well. 1,000 hugs to you. It is hard to have great responsibilities with no real power. We also have had a saboteur in the family (MIL) who did what she wanted without regard to the other people on the team caring for grandma. That has been largely eliminated, and now I don't mind helping. It was messy and frustrating during the process, though.

[BusyMom5]

Hugs, I've watched a few family things similar to this happen.  All I'll say is that they are painful for everyone!  The assisted living place is the best place for them to be- without access to a car!  Have DH and SIL talk to the Dr. about all that has gone on, maybe even just write up a letter to give them before the Dr. joins you in the room if you don't have time for a seprate meeting beforehand.  Detail out the issues, what all is going on medical-wise with both parents, and ask what he can do to help your parents.  It sounds like they are not safe by themselves, and need 24 hr care, and more importantly lockdown so they cannot wander away. 

[NorthwestMom]

Jean, you are doing great.

 

[Truscifi]

Truscifi - they are sending the doctor an e-mail before the visit outlining all the things that they can't say in front of FIL so that the doctor will know the situation.  My family culture is such that I could say things directly to or in front of my parents but theirs is not.  And that's one reason I'm fretting about this from the sidelines.  In the past, I've been the one with no real say but who still did the grunt work but I've decided that I have to put up a boundary for my own sake to not do the grunt work on all of this.  This still creates a lot of stress for me though because it feels wrong to not help even when I know that my help would be enabling things that are unhealthy.  

 

I'm glad your dh and SIL are being proactive.

 

I understand about it being stressful and not having any real power. My dad has never been inclined to listen to me when making decisions, and since they were his parents and his sister couldn't deal with it, he was the one making all the decisions.

 

Stick to your boundaries. Try to focus on the knowledge that you are making the best decision for you and for them that you can in these circumstances. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[violamama]

That's so tricky when the family cultures don't align. It's really hard for the boundaries of "my responsibility/not my responsibility" to remain unblurred. 

 

I would tell the doctor and the home staff on my own in writing all my concerns including the driving. Doctors can sometimes help, and you can then know you have done what you could do. For example, you can't control the other adults in the situation. BTW, it might take the BIL a while to figure out the car if different things "go wrong" on it in the meantime. But then that could create other issues, so mostly I'm just sending you hugs. In some situations there are absolutely no great options. 

[Guest]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Every now and then I get an internet hater who trashes me for prioritizing my kids above my marriage.

 

I'm not married.

 

I think this is a similar situation.

 

My sister died before her 30th birthday and I made a deathbed promise to her that I would care for our father (who i did not get along with at the time) in his own home and NEVER "send him away". Since then, I have done eldercare for pay and Dad has done eldercare for both of his parents. He is moving into a retirement community this year by his own choice and will transfer to assisted living within the community.

 

I don't feel the slightest bit bad about this. Sis would understand if she had lived as long as you and I have.

 

If anyone wants to start a spin-off thread about eldercare, I'm sure I'm not the only one who would benefit from talking about it, but this is Jean's support thread and she certainly deserves one after all she's gone through.

[MysteryJen]

Oh,  :grouphug:  :grouphug: Jean.

 

We sold the car out from under Dad. Sold it to me for a $1 and it lived at my house.  It went for "repairs" and never came back. I was petrified that he would injure someone in an accident (already had had a few). My mother was not very cooperative, but I told her she could come and get the car, but she didn't want to drive the 30 minutes to get it. It surely was underhanded, but I was fed up with both my parents that day.

 

Your BIL sounds like a piece of work. In situations like this, I would like to think the ILs bow out unless invited in.

[Amira]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Ethel Mertz]

Oh geez, Jean. Just read all the updates. Good luck to your DH and SIL getting the car away from your FIL. Hugs to you. 

[Harriet Vane]

Jean, I am so sorry your BIL is sabotaging this.

 

Is he an in-law or is he their son?

 

If he is an in-law, he should have no legal say, right?

 

If he is their son, I'm not sure what's best to do.

 

Either way, I pray God shows him exactly what to do and gives him courage to face this. I also pray that he can recognize that he does not get to make this decision alone.

[Jean in Newcastle]

BiL is an In - law.  He has no legal say.  But he's willing to do whatever FIL asks him to do.  I know that SIL is very angry at her husband but I really do not understand their relationship at all.  He's been someone who has pushed both dh and my buttons from day one.  My kids refuse to hang around him - he's not creepy or abusive - just an overgrown child who is a real butt-head (to put a mature spin on things)!  

[Jean in Newcastle]

SIL and I just had one of our at least once daily talks.  I'm willing to help her out in any way that I can.  

[Anne in CA]

My would make sure that BIL is not working a financial angle with his sabotage. Did FIL pay him any money for the car maneuver? Is BIL hoping the get money from FIL for his "help". Sorry to give you more to worry about, but I am jaded on this subject because I can think of three people who "helped" (not!) elderly relatives do things they shouldn't, and in each case the "helper" had credit cards that the elderly person signed for to get their "help."

 

One of these relatives managed to spend all his mother's money and leave his siblings stuck with her end of life care expenses and as far as I know they are still spending. That was also a cultural thing. The only people who saw the problem were people with no family status so they were dismissed, until it was too late, and the money was gone. The other ones were caught before too much money was spent, but I would still be concerned, and I would run a credit check on FIL/ MIL regularly and monitor their bank accounts like a hawk.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My would make sure that BIL is not working a financial angle with his sabotage. Did FIL pay him any money for the car maneuver? Is BIL hoping the get money from FIL for his "help". Sorry to give you more to worry about, but I am jaded on this subject because I can think of three people who "helped" (not!) elderly relatives do things they shouldn't, and in each case the "helper" had credit cards that the elderly person signed for to get their "help."

 

One of these relatives managed to spend all his mother's money and leave his siblings stuck with her end of life care expenses and as far as I know they are still spending. That was also a cultural thing. The only people who saw the problem were people with no family status so they were dismissed, until it was too late, and the money was gone. The other ones were caught before too much money was spent, but I would still be concerned, and I would run a credit check on FIL/ MIL regularly and monitor their bank accounts like a hawk.

BIL told SIL that "we should let the ILs live with us and they can pay us what it would cost for a live-in caregiver."  SIL told him that was not going to happen.  Good advice on the checks.  

[texasmama]

MIL milked dh's grandma dry financially. I will not go into the extent we had to go to protect grandma's money. It was absurd. Things are locked down tight now. Dh has POA over medical and financial.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

Your BIL sounds like a piece of work. In situations like this, I would like to think the ILs bow out unless invited in.

 

not sure if the bil is filipino or American. it could just be cutlure (I have filipino friends)   it maybe more lacking in backbone to do what is best for someone when that someone isn't happy about it.  some people just can't understand/accept when an adult is losing sound mind and unable to make informed choices.  I certainly agree - il's should bow out unless invited to help, at least they should take a lead from their own spouse and not contradict them. 

 

I had my brother undermining me the entire time I tried to care for my mother.  his intentions were NOT honorable. (if it had just been a difference of opinion on what was best for her, I could have at least had some respect for him, even if we disagreed.) I did have all the legal documents on my side, but it was still an exhausting fight and medical personnel were complaining to me about how his behavior was detracting from her care.  mom knew I wanted what was best for her, and that those were my only thoughts - that's why she appointed me when she was still of sound mind. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

BIL is white American.  He also hasn't held down a job in the twenty years I've been married.  

[gardenmom5]

BiL is an In - law.  He has no legal say.  But he's willing to do whatever FIL asks him to do.  I know that SIL is very angry at her husband but I really do not understand their relationship at all.  He's been someone who has pushed both dh and my buttons from day one.  My kids refuse to hang around him - he's not creepy or abusive - just an overgrown child who is a real butt-head (to put a mature spin on things)!  

my brother is like that - and he was working the financial angle with his repeated attempts to undermine me.  my mother had a very hard time saying no to him when she was mentally alert.  (for her. such as it was.)  only towards the end/after her death did I see just HOW manipulative he had been being.  chances are - there is more going on with the bil than you realize.

 

does anyone have financial poa for your ils?  sr services should be able to give you some tips to prevent financial abuse.  the fact they are having memory problems and could be considered "vulnerable".

 

add that to the questions for fils dr. 

[gardenmom5]

BIL is white American.  He also hasn't held down a job in the twenty years I've been married.  

 

I would consider this an enormous red flag that he is after your ils money with his behavior.

 

even if he has large investments generating livable income somewhere, I would consider it a flag.

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

Jean, would your SIL support you and your dh having guardianship? So you can legally get BIL out if the picture?

 

I am so glad you are getting details to the Dr before.I have been trying to get my mom to give me medical access about her memory but she has refused....and then I remind her about the mess with her mom...

 

(Hugs)

 

I know an elder care lawyer who might have better info for you. Let me know if you want me to contact her for you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unfortunately at this time FIL is aware enough to be able to take care of a lot of his affairs and yet impaired enough in his judgement that he really shouldn't be in full control of them.  What this means is that he accepts a lot of help including those regarding finances etc. but has not allowed anyone to take actual guardianship.  

[Chelle in MO]

What a mentally and physically exhausting situation!  You guys (well, not BIL!) are doing the right things, even though they are very difficult.    :grouphug:

 

The words to this old song might be appropriate:

 

One day at a time sweet Jesus 
That's all I'm asking from you. 
Just give me the strength 
To do everyday what I have to do. 
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus 
And tomorrow may never be mine. 
Lord help me today, show me the way 
One day at a time. 

 

 

I sure hope you aren't out of likes right now. I'm expecting one!   :D

 

[Susan in TN]

Jean, I am praying that you can get a day or two "off" and rest. Thank you for the updates.

[Harriet Vane]

BiL is an In - law.  He has no legal say.  But he's willing to do whatever FIL asks him to do.  I know that SIL is very angry at her husband but I really do not understand their relationship at all.  He's been someone who has pushed both dh and my buttons from day one.  My kids refuse to hang around him - he's not creepy or abusive - just an overgrown child who is a real butt-head (to put a mature spin on things)!  

 

Okay, there may be a fairly simple fix for this?

 

Can your husband and his sister tell the nursing home that BIL is not allowed to transport your in-laws anywhere at all, ever? Put the facility on the alert to BIL's shenanigans. BIL has no legal standing. The natural children of your in-laws DO. Put it in writing.

 

You're being very gracious in your replies here, Jean. The nerve of this man to sabotage the arrangements for two people who are not his parents is really unbelievable.

[Storygirl]

Okay, there may be a fairly simple fix for this?

 

Can your husband and his sister tell the nursing home that BIL is not allowed to transport your in-laws anywhere at all, ever? Put the facility on the alert to BIL's shenanigans. BIL has no legal standing. The natural children of your in-laws DO. Put it in writing.

 

You're being very gracious in your replies here, Jean. The nerve of this man to sabotage the arrangements for two people who are not his parents is really unbelievable.

 

I agree. Notify the nursing home that BIL has no legal standing or biological relationship, and that he is not to make decisions about your FIL's care or remove him from the building. It may not work if your FIL has the freedom to leave at will, but it may be worth a try.

[bettyandbob]

I don't think the nursing home can keep BIL out. From what Jean says FIL has not assigned guardianship and FIL still has capacity so he is legally able to contact friends and associate with the people he wants to associate with.

[Harriet Vane]

I don't think the nursing home can keep BIL out. From what Jean says FIL has not assigned guardianship and FIL still has capacity so he is legally able to contact friends and associate with the people he wants to associate with.

 

It's worth a try. If the facility knows who the family troublemaker is and what the wishes of the biological children are, the facility may be able to help.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think the nursing home can keep BIL out. From what Jean says FIL has not assigned guardianship and FIL still has capacity so he is legally able to contact friends and associate with the people he wants to associate with.

Unfortunately, Betty is correct.  Plus, FIL put down BIL as his emergency contact despite my gentle and discrete objections.  There is also the tightrope that while SIL is often fuming mad at BIL, he is still her husband and dh and I are very careful not to badmouth him to SIL while still making suggestions that his behavior be curbed in some way.  

[Harriet Vane]

Unfortunately, Betty is correct.  Plus, FIL put down BIL as his emergency contact despite my gentle and discrete objections.  There is also the tightrope that while SIL is often fuming mad at BIL, he is still her husband and dh and I are very careful not to badmouth him to SIL while still making suggestions that his behavior be curbed in some way.  

 

What a flaming disaster. I'm sorry.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What a flaming disaster. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I think that is the definition of extended family!.    Dh's family hasn't been really a healthy family in many ways.  His mom was domineering.  His dad was fairly emotionally absent.  His mom has ignored her health for many years.  There is another SIL that I haven't mentioned in all of this because for the most part she totally ignores her parents.  The added stresses of getting old and having physical and mental limitations doesn't change all that underlying stuff and just adds to it. 

 

I know that I'm not alone in this sort of thing.  That makes it better.  I also know that I've been infinitely blessed that both my parents, my dad until his death at 92 a few months ago and my mom still now at age 87 were/are mentally sharp and very considerate of the entire family as we tried to be of them.  My dad was a difficult man in many ways but this wasn't one of the ways.  

 

We're trying to do what is right and kind and best no matter what personalities are involved but of course we aren't perfect either.  I've appreciated having this place to hash out some of my feelings and to get some advice on how to proceed.  I think this is sort of a "one hurdle at a time" thing right now.  The biggest hurdle at the moment is getting them to stay in the retirement facility at least for one more week (under the "one week at a time" premise) and the first step to that is the doctor's appointment tomorrow - which I hope goes well but do not have any direct part in.