Does your 14 year old still "play"?

[Momto6inIN]

I know my 14 year old is a bit "weird" ... I've known it for a while and I love him just exactly the way he is.  :)  He doesn't like sports and he's behind his peers when it comes to physical development.  He can be immature in some ways, but is also very wise and advanced beyond his years in others.  I'm very aware that he is wired a little differently from a lot of other teenage boys.  Today we had some of his same-age friends over and it made me realize that other 14 year old boys really don't "play" anymore ... and mine still does.  Like a lot.

 

I don't want to come across like I'm worried about his development at all, that's not really what this thread is about.  I'm sure he is and will be just fine.  And I'm honestly not trying to push my son to behave any differently just to conform.  I'm just curious as to what others' experiences are, because I know my son isn't the only one out there like this. 

 

It just makes me curious what you all think the causes behind it are.  It is a "I don't know my friends have moved on from imaginative play because I'm not being peer pressured into being exactly like them all day long" homeschooling thing?  Is it a "we don't have tv and we limit electronics so I have to use my imagination" thing?  Is it a "I'm the oldest in a large family so I'm used to playing with younger siblings" thing?  Or is just simply that he's one of the late bloomers?  Or maybe something else I'm not thinking of?

 

[AndyJoy]

I don't have enough experience to give much input but I will say this:

 

I used to teach middle school. Several of the 11-14 year old boys were way too "cool". It was all about R-rated movies, violent video games, mocking/avoiding schoolwork, tormenting less "mature" classmates, banking on a skateboarding career over pre-algebra instruction, telling me how lame I was, etc.

 

Then one day I brought Zaks building toys for my 6th graders to play with for a geometry lesson. They had so much fun that I invited them to come in during lunch if they wanted to keep playing. Several of the boys did, along with a group of the "cool" 7th and 8th grade boys. After a bit of feigned disinterest, they joined right in. And to my surprise, they didn't just build--they played! Rockets zoomed across my classroom and they fought over who got the googly eyes and antennae to accessorize their robots. The alpha and beta males of the group begged me to keep their creations intact until the next day's lunch period. I was able to contain my delight and not scare them off.

 

It was beautiful and eye-opening to see their macho masks and bravado slip away and watch them play. Once I got this glimpse, I worked at facilitating further experiences. I even shed a private tear over my most challenging student (beta boy) lighting up so innocently.

 

So I just want to say embrace the innocence as it can be too easily replaced by false maturity!

[maize]

Personally I think imaginative play in a 14 year old is probably healthy. Limited peer influence to act grown up, combined with younger siblings to play with and limited media--yes, those probably play a role. I'm guessing his play is healthier and more developmentally appropriate than many of the ways his age peers choose to spend their time.

[kristi26]

My 14 year old boy still plays too and I suspect it's because of all of the reasons you've mentioned.  He's been homeschooled up to this year, so it isn't "weird" according to his friends.  He is the oldest of four and so he is used to entertaining younger siblings.  He's very good at coming up with new games and creative ideas that everyone wants to participate in around here. It's just who he is. I know that he is going to stop playing soon, especially with going to a public school in just ten days.  I'm trying to enjoy it for the very short time we have left.

[maize]

Oh, one more thing: you mentioned your son is behind his peers in terms of physical development. This is of course anecdotal, but I remember one of the things that changed for me during puberty was that my enjoyment of play dissipated. This had nothing to do with external influences, it wasn't a choice I made. I remember realizing that I didn't like playing the way I used to, and being kind of puzzled and kind of sad about it. Puberty brings with it huge changes in brain structure and functioning, so if your son is behind the curve in relation to his peers he probably literally still has a brain more like that of a younger child, and will experience play in a way similar to them. One of my sisters had relatively delayed puberty due partly to chemotherapy treatments she had undergone, and she played and behaved more like a younger child until her physical development caught up with her age. I'm not saying your son is abnormal, he's probably just a little on the later end of the development curve and will naturally grow into more grown-up ways of thinking and living in his own time. Growing up is most certainly not a race (I don't doubt you know that!).

[Erin]

Deep voice, nearly 6' tall, ready to shave...my 14 year old still plays.  In fact, he's upset if a day goes by that he's been too busy.  "But I didn't even have a chance to play, Mom!!"  

And this is the same kid who earns a good wage, doing a grown man's work, on a neighbor's ranch...  

 

His two best buds (homeschooled twins) are also ag. kids doing adult work, but they too like to "play."  At this age, group play seems to have shifted from toys more to building a fort, or taking apart my old lawnmower but now and again, I'll hear them digging in the Legos.  lol

 

 

My experience has been very similar to AndyJoy's that for most boys, the "cool" thing is just a put-on.  Given a safe opportunity, they'll become a kid that seems younger than how they've been masquerading.

[shawthorne44]

It could be other parents discouraging imaginative play too.  DD is 4 and we've both heard from other parents how refreshing it is that we don't tell DD to stop pretending.  

She has figured out that she can tempt any girl to play with her by meowing and pretending to clean her face with her paw.  

[EmilyGF]

I stilled played at 14 - because I had a brother 8 years younger than me. I didn't play all the time, but I could still play. Many kids couldn't or didn't because they never ever spent time around people younger than themselves.

FWIW, my 9-year-old was playing with a 3-year-old at the park and a woman came up to us and asked if he was homeschooled. She said, "Homeschooled children know how to play with kids who aren't their age." So, could it be because of his interactions with younger kids? Do his friends have younger siblings they spend a bunch of time with?

[AK_Mom4]

At 14, my boys still played but the play had gotten bigger.  Major sword battles in the back yard complete with home made shields.  KNex ferris wheels and Lego robotics.  Jumping out of trees and running their bikes over homemade jumps.  As an earlier poster said - it's probably because there were always younger kids around ot play with.

 

DD13 had her friend over on Tuesday (same age) and they spent the day drawing and playing with toy horses.  The pony's hair style has gotten more elaborate over the years, but they still spend hours brushing out the manes and tails and making up stories around them.

 

 

[Erin]

DD13 had her friend over on Tuesday (same age) and they spent the day drawing and playing with toy horses.  The pony's hair style has gotten more elaborate over the years, but they still spend hours brushing out the manes and tails and making up stories around them.

 

My DD13 and her best friend still play with their Am.Girl dolls.  Their hairstyles have gotten positively Pinterest-worthy!  lol

[DianeW88]

Not really.  He'll be 14 in November, and most of his friends are a year or two older than him.  Plus, he's my youngest, so he's always tagged along with the "big kids".  Now, he and his friends make action movies and film them all the time.  They write out scripts, stage shots, and do special effects with all the cool, different apps out there.  So maybe some would term this "playing", and others wouldn't.  He and his friends also play video games, go outside and shoot baskets, go to the pool, watch movies, read and discuss current books (one of their favorite things to do is hang out at our local Barnes & Noble and participate in some of their book groups and such), and just sit outside on the patio around the fire pit and shoot the breeze.  And that basically sums up my 13 year old's summer.

[Tanaqui]

If it's becoming socially unacceptable to "just play", maybe you might want to interest him in LARPing? Aka "make believe for grown-ups".

[Momto6inIN]

Oh, one more thing: you mentioned your son is behind his peers in terms of physical development. This is of course anecdotal, but I remember one of the things that changed for me during puberty was that my enjoyment of play dissipated. This had nothing to do with external influences, it wasn't a choice I made. I remember realizing that I didn't like playing the way I used to, and being kind of puzzled and kind of sad about it. Puberty brings with it huge changes in brain structure and functioning, so if your son is behind the curve in relation to his peers he probably literally still has a brain more like that of a younger child, and will experience play in a way similar to them. One of my sisters had relatively delayed puberty due partly to chemotherapy treatments she had undergone, and she played and behaved more like a younger child until her physical development caught up with her age. I'm not saying your son is abnormal, he's probably just a little on the later end of the development curve and will naturally grow into more grown-up ways of thinking and living in his own time. Growing up is most certainly not a race (I don't doubt you know that!).

 

I had not thought of this ... but it seems to fit.  Thank you!

 

[Momto6inIN]

My experience has been very similar to AndyJoy's that for most boys, the "cool" thing is just a put-on.  Given a safe opportunity, they'll become a kid that seems younger than how they've been masquerading.

 

That's funny you should mention this ...

 

I wrote my original post while my son's friends were still here.  Later on, I found the one who originally thought the games the rest of them were playing were "boring" joining right in and having a good time!  :)

[foxbridgeacademy]

Is 13 old enough to compare?  My nephew "T" is more then willing to play, especially with my DD 11.  They play pretend even, where they fight monsters, aliens, etc... He will also play with his younger siblings (most of the time willingly).  With other kids his age he's just like them, to cool to even consider "playing" (as is my DD).  My own son also 13,  doesn't like to play (or so he says) but he makes up board games, and has recently found D&D (yeah, we all "get" to play!).  He will happily act out scenes from D&D, but that's not playing pretend, I guess?  DS and DD are currently playing some game right now that requires silly voices and lots of laughing.

Both my children and my nephew have been HS'd for many years.  

My other nephews, who are 13 and 15 and go to P.S., do not play and haven't since they were very young.  They are both more athletic and play several sports. I don't know if in these particular instances I would call HSing causation but maybe people who lean toward HSing raise children who like to play.... at least in my little test group. 

[Momto6inIN]

So, could it be because of his interactions with younger kids? Do his friends have younger siblings they spend a bunch of time with?

 

His friends are primarily public schooled, and they have younger siblings, but not as many and not as young as the rest of my kids.  I think that could have something to do with it ... when they babysit for their younger siblings it's just one or two that are just a couple of years younger than they are, and they basically sit around and watch tv.  For my son, it's a whole different ballgame keeping 4 other kids including a 2 year old entertained!  lol

[wintermom]

My 14 year old dd still plays with her Schleich plastic horses and Playmobil horse sets. She'd rather have a real horse to spend time with, but these are great for now.

[redsquirrel]

My 14 year old does but my kids are exceptionally imaginative. He doesn't do it for long, not like he used to, and he's got to be in the mood, but he does do it almost every day with his brother.

 

He also does a fair amount of 'Larping' as someone upthread mentioned. That is nothing but an excuse for bigger kids to play. He will do that with his friends. His younger brother can get him to 'play' just about any time as long as it is called 'larping'.  Then he is quite happy to spend and afternoon wielding a sword and fighting dragons. 

 

But, I noticed his capacity for deep play lasted a whole lot longer that it did for his friends. I didn't see them manifesting false maturity or anything like that. It was like they literally lost the ability to play.

 

At this exact moment, he is at the theater for opening night of Fiddler on the Roof. He found his tribe of other kids who like to 'play'

[Mom22ns]

Neither of my kids "played" by 14.

 

My oldest did play video games some at that age. We have never watched much tv, but he did love video games and although we limited them, he played when he could. He had a friend and they loved to play video games together at that age too. By 15 he didn't play video games anymore either. He reads, he writes, he listens to music, he spends time on the internet, play is a distant memory.

 

Dd gave up play long before 14. When she was with friends, by age 11 or so, they were talking, playing with pets, and creating (art, cooking, whatever, but some creative thing). She is also a competitive gymnast and they were often doing gymnastics when they were younger. That has changed, because there aren't skills they need to practice at home anymore. They walk on their hands more than their feet, but they don't really practice.

[Nicholas_mom]

Interesting thread.  My son is 11 yrs old and loves to play AND needs to play everyday.  So, I can readily see him doing it at 14.

 

 

[ebrindam]

Yes but he is developmentally delayed.

[Heathermomster]

My kids were just having a light saber fight in the kitchen.  My children are 8 years apart but play card games, Connect 4, and build Legos on a regular basis.  DS is 14yo, shaves, and is nearly 6 ft tall.  

[Space station]

My DD13 and her best friend still play with their Am.Girl dolls. Their hairstyles have gotten positively Pinterest-worthy! lol

We had 4 yo, 9 yo, 10 yo, and 13 yo girls here today, all deeply involved in very elaborate storylines with our amer. girl dolls!

[Serenade]

Oh, one more thing: you mentioned your son is behind his peers in terms of physical development. This is of course anecdotal, but I remember one of the things that changed for me during puberty was that my enjoyment of play dissipated. This had nothing to do with external influences, it wasn't a choice I made. I remember realizing that I didn't like playing the way I used to, and being kind of puzzled and kind of sad about it. Puberty brings with it huge changes in brain structure and functioning, so if your son is behind the curve in relation to his peers he probably literally still has a brain more like that of a younger child, and will experience play in a way similar to them. One of my sisters had relatively delayed puberty due partly to chemotherapy treatments she had undergone, and she played and behaved more like a younger child until her physical development caught up with her age. I'm not saying your son is abnormal, he's probably just a little on the later end of the development curve and will naturally grow into more grown-up ways of thinking and living in his own time. Growing up is most certainly not a race (I don't doubt you know that!).

Thanks you for posting this. It makes perfect sense.

[sewingmama]

I think one of the benefits of homeschooling is that children have a lot more time to really learn how to play. My kids never tell me they are bored, ever. They always find ways to entertain themselves.

 

At our homeschool group the kids of all ages just play and play. The older kids seem to hang onto their ability to play for a long time, much longer then their public school peers.

 

My mum recently visited me from the US and she is a Pre-k teacher. She told me many times she couldn't believe how well my kids played with each other. She commented that the little kids she teaches play but that my kids take playing to a whole other level from regular kids LOL.

 

Whenever I comment to my DH that our kids seem a little immature compared to other kids he always answers " Maybe, but you are giving them the gift of having a childhood". DH is a school principal and knows very well about children who are mature beyond their years and is very happy for our kids to be kept away from it.

[mountains27]

this is an interesting topic. My kids are only 6 and 7 and play everyday of course so I can't really share in experiences in the parenting of tweens yet!  But I do have one of my own experiences to share in the conversation that I think relates to the public school vs. homeschooled kids point.

I was never homeschooled but we lived (still live) in a very rural area and didnt have cable TV or even lots of store bought toys so much of my playtime was in the woods making up games and adventures, really a pretty great place to grow up! Anyway, I can distinctly remember as a 5th grader, in public school, talking with peers about what our morning rituals were like. I mentioned that I got up and got ready for school and if I had time would play before leaving for school. Another kid proceeded to tease me and act disgusted that I still "played"! I remember feeling badly and thinking I was a baby for wanting to still play and make up games. I don't think it stopped me but it def. made me doubt myself and feel pretty bad. I was a super sensitive kid though and can remember a lot about public school and the teasing and bullying that goes with it! So I do thikn a lot of kids shying away from "playing" can be related to peer pressure and unfortunately now a days kids grow up too quickly and find things that are "cool" are things that make them small adults and less child-like.

[Momto6inIN]

Whenever I comment to my DH that our kids seem a little immature compared to other kids he always answers " Maybe, but you are giving them the gift of having a childhood". DH is a school principal and knows very well about children who are mature beyond their years and is very happy for our kids to be kept away from it.

 

I love this!  Thank you for sharing!

[Momto6inIN]

this is an interesting topic. My kids are only 6 and 7 and play everyday of course so I can't really share in experiences in the parenting of tweens yet!  But I do have one of my own experiences to share in the conversation that I think relates to the public school vs. homeschooled kids point.

I was never homeschooled but we lived (still live) in a very rural area and didnt have cable TV or even lots of store bought toys so much of my playtime was in the woods making up games and adventures, really a pretty great place to grow up! Anyway, I can distinctly remember as a 5th grader, in public school, talking with peers about what our morning rituals were like. I mentioned that I got up and got ready for school and if I had time would play before leaving for school. Another kid proceeded to tease me and act disgusted that I still "played"! I remember feeling badly and thinking I was a baby for wanting to still play and make up games. I don't think it stopped me but it def. made me doubt myself and feel pretty bad. I was a super sensitive kid though and can remember a lot about public school and the teasing and bullying that goes with it! So I do thikn a lot of kids shying away from "playing" can be related to peer pressure and unfortunately now a days kids grow up too quickly and find things that are "cool" are things that make them small adults and less child-like.

 

We do live out in the country miles away from any neighborhood friends and/or activities and surrounded by corn fields, so my kids are pretty much forced to come up with their own ideas and elaborate story lines and figure out a way to include all the siblings or else they'll end up being all by themselves!  I hadn't thought about that aspect of it ... thanks!

[swellmomma]

my turning 16 yr old son (in 2 weeks) still plays.  Usually with sticks as swords in the yard, or setting up armies using things like cat food, perler beads, math manips etc.  He lines them up in opposing forces.  And of course lego type stuff, and those battling card games (yu gi oh, magic the gathering etc).  He still loves webkinz and my little pony and bella sarah horses but doesn't openly play with them, just talk about them and collect them.  Even when around other teens he still tries to get them to play too, and they think he is weird and shun him.  He fights me the most on purging toys to good will.

dd15 does not play unless it is those card games or online role play games, so not the same at all.  She has moved past that stage.

[Library Momma]

I think that there is a huge difference between playing and calling it playing.  My dc 10 and 12 will play video games, or a sport or card games but they will not say they are going to play with friends, instead they are 'hanging out."

[redsquirrel]

When I use the world "play" I am using it to describe a specific action. It means engaging in imaginative play. Looking to the environment to find 'props' to support your imaginary world (a swing set is a castle and a fallen log is a pirate ship) and taking on an imaginary persona such as a viking or a boy in a castle etc. This can also be done at a smaller level, such as with legos or dolls or blocks or small animals. But playing with blocks or legos  to create a world that is entered into is different from using blocks to make a ramp to just see how high you can get a car to jump. These are all valid ways of playing, but they require different things from the player.

 

Playing a tabletop game, such as connect four or monopoly is playing, but it isn't the same from a brain perspective. It is enjoyable and skills are learned, but it is different from imaginative play. Some computer games, such as skyrim or minecraft, skirt the edges of being imaginative play. So do role playing games such as D&D.

 

What is difficult to maintain as we get older is the imaginary part of playing. And FTR, I know plenty of homeschooled kids who have zero screen time and live in the woods who have zero desire to engage in imaginary play by age 9 or 10. It isn't an unusual thing. And some kids do maintain it for quite a bit longer, but it is possible to have a loving and wonderful childhood, and maintain childhood 'innocence' but mature out of imaginary play. Just because your kids aren't playing 'I'm a pirate" and they are 10 it doesn't mean their childhood is lesser than.

 

And that sort of deep brain involvement that is used in imaginary play shows up in the older brain in other ways. We often call it 'flow' or being 'in the zone'. It's when you are so totally engaged in a task that the world drops away. You lose self consciousness and attend to the matter at hand. It tends to happen when we are really good at something or really enjoying ourselves. Musicians and athletes and dancers and actors get into that brain space when they are working at a really high level for that individual. So do people who like to draw. I sometimes get there with knitting, lol. I bet doctors and bakers and carpenters find it in their work as well. Some people can access it almost at will. Some people leave it behind in childhood. It also seems that the more we use it, the easier it can be to access it. It is also used in studying and writing and learning, so it is an important brain skill.

 

But a kids mature at different rates. I know my son could not even conceive not playing with his friends until he was 12 or so. As far as he was concerned the only reason to spend time with friends was to go off on an imaginary caper of some kind. His peers often looked vaguely uncomfortable. My son learned to adapt. He would call it 'let's make a movie' and they would make scripts and create costumes and wear makeup and think of ways to have 'special effects'. That made it acceptable to his friends.

[...................]

My nephews at 14 and 16 still played when they visited our house.  Mostly with my kids who were younger.  THey built with LEGO and played sword fighting and they pretended a bit in the process.  

 

My son is 12 and rarely plays anything pretend but once in a while he will still play transformers with my dd.  It's not as often anymore but still happens.

 

If your son spends many hours pretending and playing he probably needs more work to do or something...not beacuse play is bad but because he needs to get ready to be an adult.

[Murrayshire]

My DD13 and her best friend still play with their Am.Girl dolls. Their hairstyles have gotten positively Pinterest-worthy! lol

Mine too! My dd sews doll clothes for them too! She still plays and enjoys things my 8 year old enjoys! I'm going to cherish it as long as I can.......

[Dina in Oklahoma]

Personally, I count it a blessing when kids don't rush to grow up. I strongly believe there is far too much pressure in our society to become a mini adult before there is the maturity to handle it responsibly. I find it very sad when elementary children dress and act like they are 13, 13 year olds like 18 etcetera. I don't understand why children are pushed to rush through their childhood instead of enjoying it. Once it is gone. . .it's gone forever.

 

ETA: In the long run, I believe children who are allowed to develop at their rate fare much better than children who try to keep up; be cool! One can often tell who these kids were when they are adults.

[CyndiLJ]

I have three son, ages 15, 15 and 11.  One 15 year old was never much of an imaginary play sort of kid but he built serious things with Legos by the hours...and I mean DAYS worth of hours.  He is an extremely mature but not a prematurely teenagery kind of kid, just a nice, solid young adult who has always been quieter and more reserved.

 

Son #2 at 15 is developmentally delayed, came into the family from a rather poor orphanage setting at 8 1/2, and is really more about 11 or 12 years old in most ways.  He and my 11 year old are a perfect match, and play imaginary super heroes and battle scenes every single day for at least an hour or two.  I love hearing them create involved scenarios and act them out.

 

None of them are very sports oriented, and they have lots of time for free reading, trampolining, etc.

 

Play is good for all kids, for as long as their minds allow it.  I noticed when we pulled our quieter 15 year old out of public ed at 5th grade, within a few weeks he was more creative in his thinking and freer to be himself.  With no peer pressure and no input that tells them they ought to be behaving in a particular way, I think most kids will prolong childhood.  I know I still played some at 13 or 14.

 

[TheAutumnOak]

My son will be 14 next week and he still plays...He loves sports though and usually plays outside when he can, but he will still set up Lego and play with them...My younger two definitely will play more with toys than my oldest does, but he still plays...We don't have a video gaming system but we do own an Ipad mini, and he will play a few games on there as well...

[naturemom]

My ds,16yo today, still loves a good nerf war or hide and seek. He has often complained that the non-homeschooled kids don't play anymore. Though his best guy friend, 16yo public schooler, still loves to play as well. In fact, his best girl friend, almost 17yo public schooler, always has something to play with my two younger kids.

 

I do think that homeschooling allows more time for a child's natural behavior to shine through whereas other schoolers tend to conform more to those around them. But it's probably just a combination of nature and nuture.

[Starr]

Guess why college students work at summer camp. ;)

[jenn&charles]

My kids played well into their teens and I did too, when I was that age. My 23 year old daughter was laughing and telling me the other day that she and her college girlfriends were all playing dress-up the other day, LOL....so I guess she still likes to do something that would qualify as play and she is an adult! ;-) 

 

I think my kids played into their teens because there was no pressure to not do otherwise. My 16 year old still enjoys collecting toy cars (although he doesn't drive them around the carpet anymore) and my daughter played with her dolls (dressing them up, etc.) as a 14 year old. I caught my son playing with Duplos the other day (we had a tub of them out for a 4 year old who was visiting) and having a grand time with them, lol.

 

One time we went to park day (where a bunch of homeschooled kids got together to hang out for several hours each week) and my daughter brought her American Girl doll with her. I think she was about 13 years old at the time. The other girls acted like she was stupid and babyish for doing so. She told them she didn't care what they thought. She liked her dolls and wasn't embarrassed in the least about playing with them still. Next week all of the other girls ended up bringing their dolls too, LOL. I guess they just needed someone to tell them it was OK to still play with them (and perhaps they were secretly doing so anyway).

 

Anyway, I think it's good for older kids to play and you'll be surprised at how many of them will do so if you bring out the right toys (building toys or whatever).

 

There is no reason to rush kids into dropping play until it naturally doesn't appeal to them as much any more. :-) I think that it's good for anyone to play something...even adults. It's what keeps life from being a drudge. Maybe that's why some adults call some of their new things "toys" (as I did with my drawing tablet even though it's for serious work - I play on it too, lol). We all probably retain that spirit to some degree but some feel more comfortable than others in expressing it.