Do you teach your kids it is rude to invite themselves?

[Mandylubug]

We have taught our kids that it is RUDE to put someone on the spot and invite themselves. They should wait to be invited. Even with family.

 

My kids miss out and I am mad for them because they are painted as "not interested" Gosh darnit! They are interested, they just use their manners and wait for their loved ones to invite them when wanted vs inviting themselves.

 

Ironically, if we do call on one of DHs off days or near a weekend, phone calls are avoided or texts are answered with a detailed announcement of how busy they are before even knowing what we "want". 99.9 percent of the time, we call to chat. We don't dump our kids. Heck, we are so sick of the crap and attitude that assumes we want something, that we just stop communication for the most part.

 

I suppose this is a vent/jawm..

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I think it's rude to invite yourself to something.  I've taught my children to wait and asked to be invited to do things. 

[Just Kate]

I'm dealing with this in our new neighborhood. The kids invite themselves to everything...so I am having to teach my kids that it is not polite to do so. Because of this, my kids have missed out on some neighborhood activities. I'm sticking to my guns though because it annoys me to no end when the neighborhood kids are constantly inviting themselves along...especially when they invite themselves to MY things and I have to look like the big meanie when I say no.

 

I get what you're saying and it is very frustrating!!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Part of being family is being able to invite yourself over.  Same as very close friends who are "family" to us.  But it looks like there is something much bigger and yuckier going on.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

[catz]

I teach my kids not to invite themselves.  But I do think it's ok for kids to talk and try to make plans.  Like "Wouldn't it be fun if we could go to the zoo together?" vs. "I'm coming to your house tomorrow". 

 

Sorry you feel like your kids are feeling left out!  If you start lining up stuff, maybe people will start reciprocating? 

[Just Kate]

I teach my kids not to invite themselves.  But I do think it's ok for kids to talk and try to make plans.  Like "Wouldn't it be fun if we could go to the zoo together?" vs. "I'm coming to your house tomorrow". 

 

Sorry you feel like your kids are feeling left out!  If you start lining up stuff, maybe people will start reciprocating? 

 

I'm not the OP, but I just want to agree with this, that it is fine for kids to make plans. My personal problem is when the are inviting themselves along to the adults without being asked. For instance, our neighbor has a pool. The only kid who lives there is in high school, so not a playmate of my 7 and 10 year olds. The neighborhood kids will constantly ask the parents or the high schooler if they can swim in their pool. Usually the parents say no, but one time they relented and said yes. I don't know these people well (we just recently moved in) and I wasn't able to take the time to go over to watch my kids swim, so I didn't allow my kids to join in. I was just quite irritated by how the whole thing started (I was there when the kids asked). This is the type of situation that frustrates me.

[JumpyTheFrog]

My mom doesn't have very good social skills and didn't model many things for me, but even she managed to drill into my head that you never invite yourself and that you never broadcast plans with friends in front of others who aren't invited.

[Mandylubug]

I have no issues with making plans and expressing interest to do things Those plans when attempted to be planned are ways met with a sense of being a chore to the family member. To DH and I, that is. In front of kids it is all sunshine and rainbows.

[Tanaqui]

I'm dealing with this in our new neighborhood. The kids invite themselves to everything...so I am having to teach my kids that it is not polite to do so. Because of this, my kids have missed out on some neighborhood activities. I'm sticking to my guns though because it annoys me to no end when the neighborhood kids are constantly inviting themselves along...especially when they invite themselves to MY things and I have to look like the big meanie when I say no.

 

Manners vary wildly according to location. What's rude in one place, or among one social group, might not be rude in another. Eating with your left hand, say, can be very rude in some cultures but not others. Or taking seconds of a food - in some cultures, taking seconds is like saying "you didn't feed me enough" and in others NOT taking seconds is like saying "your food doesn't taste good".

 

The US alone is large enough to hold many varied and diverse subcultures, without even bringing immigration into it to further confuse things.

 

If all their friends have a "it's not rude to invite yourself" rule, and possibly a "it's rude to push people if they are showing they're not interested - say, by not inviting themselves" rule, then not only are your kids missing out but, in their social group, they're being borderline impolite by being standoffish.

 

It seems to me that it's a very important life skill to recognize when different social situations require you to follow a different set of "rules".

 

Edit: Saw your second comment. NOT what I was picturing at all! Geez, I agree, that's a little over the top.

 

[Spryte]

I'll agree, too.  We've taught the same thing, and I could have written the same thing about family.  There's more to the story for us, and maybe for you, too.  Still, it stings.  As anything that impacts our kids stings.  We don't communicate as much as we used to communicate, due to the avoidance of phone calls/texts, and the "busier than anyone in the world" announcements which don't exactly lend themselves to our pushing for more time.   :grouphug: You're not alone.  

[SKL]

It hasn't really come up yet, but I agree, it is not polite to invite oneself unless it's a community thing.  For example, if a kid says "I'm going to a community Halloween party / church carnival" and the listener says, "that sounds cool, I think I'd like to go too" that would not be rude IMO.

 

So what kind of things are your kids getting left out of?

[zoobie]

It's hard to teach kids nuances I think.

 

My dad called to talk to the kids and mentioned going to the dump. My son said, "I want to go!" I didn't correct that. I mean, it's weird, but whatever. If he said they were going to dinner with friends that evening and DS asked to go, I'd say no honey, you don't invite yourself blah blah blah. Close friends (the ones my kids call aunt/uncle) would be the same.

 

I'm sorry your family is being a bunch of horse patoots.

[SKL]

Thinking about it some more, it is OK to invite oneself over to hang out with a kid in the neighborhood during non-meal times.  As long as it doesn't involve anything that would put the parents out.  "Can I come over and play" is OK, "can your parents drive me to the pool too" is not.

 

For family, I agree it is a lower bar.  When I was a kid, if it was within walking distance, I would drop in and see if the folks wanted to visit.  If they didn't, I moved on, no biggie.

 

I think being able to say "no" is an important skill too.  :)  Young kids are still learning.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wanted to add that in the family/friend culture where we invite ourselves over, it is expected that the other person is comfortable enough to say "not this time" if it doesn't work out with no hard feelings or "ok, you can come over if you help me fold the laundry"!  

[SKL]

When I was a middle-school kid with a paper route, I had a customer with a built-in swimming pool.  The customer told me I could bring my siblings and swim in their pool "any time."  One day they came home to find us swimming in their pool.  LOL.  At that point they clarified that we needed to check in with them before going swimming.  I admit that I was never the most socially aware person, but I meant no harm.  :P  I was sufficiently embarrassed that I never went back.

[Arcadia]

We do like the Romans do. If kids in my kids activities tend to invite themselves, then it's ok for mine to ask if they can come/join in too. They have to accept a no answer without fuss though.

 

I wanted to add that in the family/friend culture where we invite ourselves over, it is expected that the other person is comfortable enough to say "not this time" if it doesn't work out with no hard feelings or "ok, you can come over if you help me fold the laundry"!

This is how it works too for my family. We only invite ourselves over when we know for sure the family/friends will bluntly say no if it's not a good time.

[lailasmum]

I do teach them not to invite themselves places. Mostly because a lot of our friends kids do try and invite them selves to places constantly and saying no to them is kind of frustrating. In our home ed community it goes on a lot and I tend to find it quite invasive and it tends to happen after you've been out on a long group activity and they want to continue playing. Fair enough they want to come over and continue their fun but it's pretty much always not a good time if we've already been out for a long day. We also have family we are friends who always want to come back for dinner without invitation and I just can't do that with no notice. They don't think twice about inviting themselves over. it's only ended up being a major problem once. 

[Night Elf]

I think my youngest dd lost a new friend that way. We were at her house for a play date for the first time and as I was gathering stuff to leave, dd asked if she could stay the night. I apologized and told dd we needed to go home. The mother spoke up and said it was fine for her to stay. I asked if she was sure and she said yes. But then dd was never invited to that girl's house again nor did the mom answer my calls. My dd learned the hard way that it's terribly impolite to invite yourself.

[strange_girl]

Sorry your family is being like that :(

 

Aside from your situation, however, I really think it varies from family to family. Here, I think nothing of calling my mom and saying, "Can we come over for dinner tonight?" And she inevitably says, "Sure! Bring dessert and I'll see if your brother can come too." So it's just no big deal. My 5-year-old has called on the phone to do the same thing, and they just think it's adorable.

 

But we certainly don't invite ourselves along on outings with other people, or even over to non-family acquaintances. And yes, my kids will understand that even though Grampy and Nanny love it when we invite ourselves, it's generally impolite to do so.

[Crimson Wife]

I definitely teach that it's rude to invite oneself but it is perfectly fine to make a general statement that one would like to get together "sometime" with the other person and hope they get the hint.

[Starr]

It sounds like you have some big family issues that aren't really about kids inviting themselves.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

I do teach them. My neighbors say they teach their kids the same. (And I believe them.)

 

The boys all tend to invite themselves along or over anyway. It's easy enough to say yes or no depending on whether we can include the child or not, and I remind my boys, "Remember, we don't invite ourselves because that puts the host on the spot. They might feel uncomfortable saying no." We and the neighbors are generous with invitations, though, and the kids are (slowly) learning. And I totally remember doing that with my friends--"Can I come?" and then whispered negotiations about who should ask the parents. :p

 

I do think that the kids popping their heads over the fence or coming to the door to say, "Can I play?" is a little different than inviting themselves to go to the pool with us or whatever, but even asking to come along with us to an outing is no biggie. I just say yup or nope.

 

With family, I think it's different. I tell my grown nieces to pop in or give a call if they want to come for dinner. My grown dd's have no problem inviting themselves over at the last minute. I tell my sis, "Hey, that sounds fun. Can we join?" if it seems like an activity that would be appropriate to do so. Sounds like your family is a little more complicated, though, and there's some other dynamic going on. :( That stinks. I'm sorry.

 

Cat

[myfunnybunch]

My dad called to talk to the kids and mentioned going to the dump. My son said, "I want to go!" I didn't correct that. I mean, it's weird, but whatever.

 

When I was a kid, I loved going to the dump with my grandpa. It was cool. :P

 

Cat

[SKL]

When I was a kid, I loved going to the dump with my grandpa. It was cool. :p

 

Cat

 

We used to play at the dump as kids.  It sounds disgusting now.  :P

 

[Joker]

I have taught my dds not to invite themselves in regards to friends. Sometimes a friend will text dd and ask if they can stay the night because they don't want to go to wherever their parents are going. I don't have a problem with that, but I have told my own dds not to do it.

 

We do a lot of inviting of ourselves, and vice versa, within our families though. Heck, dh just called his brother and said, "We're going to be in your state at the end of the year. It's okay if we stay with you, right?". His brother does the same thing if he's coming this way and it's that way with all of us on both sides. So, with our family all bets are off and dds regularly invite themselves but it's not seen as any big deal.

[Mandylubug]

I think it is a difference in family dynamics as an on going issue as well. It does stink that my kids hear from their cousins all the time about times they spent the night but they weren't invited.

 

I do know that my kids felt "dismissed" multiple times. All of my kids do like to socialize with the adults. They'll discusss and ask questions and feel they can add to conversations and this family member just dismisses them from the adult conversations and tells them to go play. I think my kids require more from them. They want to talk and chat. They don't just want to go to a back room and play or watch a movie 24/7. They expect to be included.

 

We've taught them to not put them on the spot and invite themselves. We will call or text and make plans. These calls and texts are always ignored or met with hesitation/plans. If we plan too far in advance, then its too far for them to commit as well.

 

So, we have withdrawn a good bit. We don't call and ask. We invite them to eat out or go walk trails with us if they pick up when we call. Of course we are the bad ones not allowing our kids to invite themselves when present and since mine aren't jumping like hyper chihuahas to beg and stay, they assume they aren't interested.

[Mandylubug]

We have no issues on my side of the family. Mine are always up front and open. Calls are never ignored. They say no easily. They say yes just as easily. My kids don't beg in front of them and they still find time to call and invite them over. There is an "open door" invitation at all times if we want to stop by. They would easily tell us it isn't a good time and we wouldn't be offended. That being said....we still call and ask if its a good time to visit since it is a 15min drive and we don't want to be an inconvenience or intrude.

[Arcadia]

All of my kids do like to socialize with the adults. They'll discusss and ask questions and feel they can add to conversations and this family member just dismisses them from the adult conversations and tells them to go play. I think my kids require more from them. They want to talk and chat.

On my mother's side of the family, it's okay for us kids and grand kids to stay and chat with the adults.

On my dad's side of the family, they are dealing with alcoholism and at one point in time my cousin's adultery. So they prefer the kids to be not around.

If my dad's brother and BIL are taking about car mechanics, we kids are welcomed to join in.

 

It's all about different expectations and your kids expectations are not met.

[Mandylubug]

On my mother's side of the family, it's okay for us kids and grand kids to stay and chat with the adults.

On my dad's side of the family, they are dealing with alcoholism and at one point in time my cousin's adultery. So they prefer the kids to be not around.

If my dad's brother and BIL are taking about car mechanics, we kids are welcomed to join in.

 

It's all about different expectations and your kids expectations are not met.

I understand dismissing for adult conversations and we have done that. Many times. We say the conversation is not for them but they can come back in afterwhile. We don't dismiss them to discuss the golf channel.

[QueenCat]

I wanted to add that in the family/friend culture where we invite ourselves over, it is expected that the other person is comfortable enough to say "not this time" if it doesn't work out with no hard feelings or "ok, you can come over if you help me fold the laundry"!  

 

Same here. I have a few close friends with whom we will invite ourselves over to each others houses. We just say "no" if it doesn't work. Usually, it's because we're going to be in the area, maybe have some down time between things, or something... I wouldn't do it with someone I didn't know well, and haven't had people I don't know well do it to me, with the exception of neighbors. With many of our neighbors, we'll just stop by or have them stop by to chat. Perfectly normal around here.

[SKL]

It's great that they have one side of the family that treats them like family.  The other side is unfortunate.  I don't know that there's anything anyone can do about it.  It may work itself out as the kids get older and their needs are more in sync with what the grandparents can provide.

 

My kids only have one set of grandparents, who are appx. 70yo, not in great health, sometimes depressed, etc.  My folks love my kids, but there isn't much they are inclined to do with them.  My dad has been into archery for years, so I got my kids into it so they would have something to bond over.  Recently they spent 10 days in the folks' neighborhood, visiting my parents several times.  A month ago I told my dad I thought it might be fun for him to work with the girls on archery and show them how he makes arrows.  He seemed to like the idea.  But in those 10 days, the bows and arrows never came out.  The kids watched DVDs with grandma and moved on.  I have to admit I'm a little disappointed, but they can only do what they can do.  In our case, it's better than nothing.  At least my kids know they are loved.

[QueenCat]

My son doesn't invite himself... he constantly invites people we just met to our home :laugh:

 

When ds was about 8, he came walking in the house, holding this elderly lady's hand. She'd been walking around the neighborhood for exercise, and chatted with him in our front yard. He asked her if she knew his mom, she said no, and he brought her in to meet me.

[countrygal]

(I didn't read all the responses.)

 

I was just going to post something about this... except we are the ones getting random people always stopping at our house. Either last minute phone calls or no phone call at all! But we farm, and just because we are here all the time people think we are available for their entertainment needs I guess. A couple weeks ago DH said we were going to have a family day by doing fun things at home and he wasn't going to do any farm work. Then family stopped. For five hours. Family day ruined.

 

I was always taught that it was rude to invite yourself over. Discussing plans is different. Very close family can be different. I think you are doing the right thing. If there are neighborhood friends they like to play together with a lot, you could always talk to their parents and see what is appropriate to them.

[Mandylubug]

Thank you all. I'm feeling better after my rant. It is nothing new and I need to let it go. Pass the bean dip.

[zoobie]

When I was a kid, I loved going to the dump with my grandpa. It was cool. :P

 

Cat

My dad says he's going to "go to the dump and shoot rats." DS was rather disappointed with the actual process because we'd just been to NYC and played find the biggest rat on the subway tracks.

[SKL]

LOL, last year my kids would occasionally come home with another kid's phone number and tell me I need to call their mom to confirm a play date.  Um, no I don't....

[LatteMama]

When I was a kid, I loved going to the dump with my grandpa. It was cool. :p

 

Cat

 

What kid doesn't love going to the dump? :driving: :laugh:   No, really, I loved going to the dump with my dad.  It was so disgusting and smelly and I got to ride in his old truck.

[KrissiK]

Yes, we do do teach our kids that.

[shanvan]

I do teach them not to invite themselves places. Mostly because a lot of our friends kids do try and invite them selves to places constantly and saying no to them is kind of frustrating. In our home ed community it goes on a lot and I tend to find it quite invasive and it tends to happen after you've been out on a long group activity and they want to continue playing. Fair enough they want to come over and continue their fun but it's pretty much always not a good time if we've already been out for a long day. We also have family we are friends who always want to come back for dinner without invitation and I just can't do that with no notice. They don't think twice about inviting themselves over. it's only ended up being a major problem once. 

We had this happening after some classes (3 hours worth, during which I was teaching) at the beginning of last year.  The very first time it happened Dd and I had a talk that night.  It went something like this "I will NEVER say yes to a play date immediately following an event, most especially if you and your friend beg me and put me on the spot."  The follow up was "If your friend begs you again you can tell her your mother will say no AND you will be give and extra job to do when you arrive home."    

 

It never happened again.  I just cannot deal with people in my house after I have spent hours with them out of the house.

[linders]

I've taught mine the art of the enthusiastic, "Wow, that sounds like fun!" If the person to whom it is directed is so inclined, they get an invite.

[swellmomma]

yes I do, but they still do it and then I have to scold them for being rude and putting someone on the spot like that.  They often ask if they can do something with a friend and the first thing I ask is "were you invited by the adult?" because often it is either they asked the person, or the kid invited them along and the adults have no idea.  It's a work in progress we will say.  I get so embarrassed when they do this, especially the older 3 but usually it is a combination of delays in the area of social skills and plain loneliness not them trying to go against our rules on that.  They also have a habit of inviting kids over to play or for sleep overs etc that I have to quickly put an end to any thought of due to my work schedule.  Sorry kiddos, no one can sleep over when I have to be at work at 730 in the morning, A) I need to sleep and B ) I am not leaving other people's children here without an adult.

[MooCow]

When ds was about 8, he came walking in the house, holding this elderly lady's hand. She'd been walking around the neighborhood for exercise, and chatted with him in our front yard. He asked her if she knew his mom, she said no, and he brought her in to meet me.

Ha! That's similar to what my oldest would do. Always at the worst moment too.

[TammyS]

I think my youngest dd lost a new friend that way. We were at her house for a play date for the first time and as I was gathering stuff to leave, dd asked if she could stay the night. I apologized and told dd we needed to go home. The mother spoke up and said it was fine for her to stay. I asked if she was sure and she said yes. But then dd was never invited to that girl's house again nor did the mom answer my calls. My dd learned the hard way that it's terribly impolite to invite yourself.

 

Then that mom was a jerk.  She didn't have to say it was ok.  Anyone who has had a kid knows they ask for stuff.  She could have said "another time" or "not tonight" or just nothing.  If she didn't want the kids she shouldn't have allowed it.  And she certainly shouldn't have ignored you based on her not being able to even stay silent, when you were already correcting your daughter.  Geez. -_-

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Then that mom was a jerk.  She didn't have to say it was ok.  Anyone who has had a kid knows they ask for stuff.  She could have said "another time" or "not tonight" or just nothing.  If she didn't want the kids she shouldn't have allowed it.  And she certainly shouldn't have ignored you based on her not being able to even stay silent, when you were already correcting your daughter.  Geez. -_-

 

But. . . she doesn't know if that is why there was no further calls, right?  I don't think I'd want to jump to that conclusion.  It could even be because of something totally unrelated to the PP and her daughter like a crisis in their own family that caused her to not call anymore.  Though not answering calls is rude if there is a pattern of it.  

[Farrar]

I do teach my kids that, but I think it's hard to navigate making plans vs. inviting yourself.  I find it hard sometimes to tell which has even been going on.

 

A lot of what makes it difficult is that it's very nuanced.  Mandy, in your situation, I might try to help the kids navigate the different expectations of different parts of the family - that's one of those nuances that makes social interaction difficult, but the truth is that there's often not one rule.  If what these grandparents want is for the kids to go away and play together and for them to be the hosts then maybe helping your kids see that would be a better outcome than just not seeing them very much.  Or even telling them that it's okay to ask to come if something with the cousins comes up.  I mean, I do agree with you and there may be a whole host of reasons that it's better to just let that distance be there, but I know for dh and I we have a branch of the family that we feel does things really weird.  But mostly we just go with it, teach the kids to navigate it, appreciate the good aspects of that branch of the family...  and come home and gripe a bit to each other and then let it go.

[Ripley]

Then that mom was a jerk.  She didn't have to say it was ok.  Anyone who has had a kid knows they ask for stuff.  She could have said "another time" or "not tonight" or just nothing.  If she didn't want the kids she shouldn't have allowed it.  And she certainly shouldn't have ignored you based on her not being able to even stay silent, when you were already correcting your daughter.  Geez. -_-

 

 

I just went through a similar situation, except I am the jerk mom's friend LOL.  That experience makes me wonder if there wasn't more that happened that night to make the mom cut ties - whether it was issues with Night Elf's daughter or just her own personal issues or stressors (short on cash, marital problems, work issues, family drama) that blew a situation out of proportion in HER mind.

 

She definitely could have handled it better than to just freeze out Night Elf Jr. I'm just thinking aloud that there may be more to it than even Night Elf was privy to and/or the other mom felt comfortable sharing.

 

My best friend's daughter had a birthday sleepover and some girls were spending the night for the first time.  One decided to paint her nails since she was the first one up. She got polish and remover out of the bathroom (she wasn't shown where they were) and did her thing. She got both on my friend's coffee table - and the remover took some finish off of the table LOL. She's not invited back.

 

Another girl got up in the middle of the night and helped herself to a snack. Not a problem in and of itself, but she left the package of candy open and on the counter instead of putting it away where she had taken it. The dog got into it and got scary sick. The girl doesn't have a dog and couldn't have known, but my friend's not taking any more chances. She has enough on her plate.

 

And another girl wet the bed. Turns out she does it on a regular basis. Again, not a problem in and of itself but the mom gave no warning it could happen. Nor did she send her child with enough clothes.  The girls were all in one pallet, and everyone near her got soaked. If my friend had known it was possible, she'd have planned differently - if only to spare the child's feelings when the inevitable happened. That girl isn't invited back but it's because of her mom. My friend doesn't know what else she's going to not mention and she feels for the girl.

 

So these are things my friend wouldn't necessarily want the girls to get in trouble for. She knows kids are kids. She's under stress right now (job loss, complicated divorce, resulting health issues) and everything feels magnified. Since she's running only on fumes, she just cuts out the cancers - no niceties, no nothing, just one strike you're out. It's just where she is right now. None of these would have phased her to this extent a year ago.

[Mandylubug]

I do teach my kids that, but I think it's hard to navigate making plans vs. inviting yourself. I find it hard sometimes to tell which has even been going on.

 

A lot of what makes it difficult is that it's very nuanced. Mandy, in your situation, I might try to help the kids navigate the different expectations of different parts of the family - that's one of those nuances that makes social interaction difficult, but the truth is that there's often not one rule. If what these grandparents want is for the kids to go away and play together and for them to be the hosts then maybe helping your kids see that would be a better outcome than just not seeing them very much. Or even telling them that it's okay to ask to come if something with the cousins comes up. I mean, I do agree with you and there may be a whole host of reasons that it's better to just let that distance be there, but I know for dh and I we have a branch of the family that we feel does things really weird. But mostly we just go with it, teach the kids to navigate it, appreciate the good aspects of that branch of the family... and come home and gripe a bit to each other and then let it go.

Yes. I agree. We are in the weird "attempt to navigate" stage. I'll never understand I suppose and should just stop trying to understand. It is what it is.

[Ripley]

We have taught our kids that it is RUDE to put someone on the spot and invite themselves. They should wait to be invited. Even with family.

 

My kids miss out and I am mad for them because they are painted as "not interested" Gosh darnit! They are interested, they just use their manners and wait for their loved ones to invite them when wanted vs inviting themselves.

 

Ironically, if we do call on one of DHs off days or near a weekend, phone calls are avoided or texts are answered with a detailed announcement of how busy they are before even knowing what we "want". 99.9 percent of the time, we call to chat. We don't dump our kids. Heck, we are so sick of the crap and attitude that assumes we want something, that we just stop communication for the most part.

 

I suppose this is a vent/jawm..

 

I teach my kids that it is rude, but we don't mind being rude amongst family :lol:.

 

It sounds like there are two issues here, OP - one is differing ideas of etiquette. The second issue is one of family assuming you want something. Unfortunately the two seem to overlap a lot in your family, and I can see why you'd prefer to just stop communicating with them altogether! Nobody likes the worst being assumed about them, especially when there's no history to support those assumptions.

 

Would you consider a When In Rome approach to the first issue?

 

If it's acceptable and common within a micro-culture, such as one's family, grant the kids some slack. I wouldn't die on the manners hill if it came at the expense of family relationships. For heaven sake, I let my kids slurp soup and burp at the table when we eat at my in laws because that's what their micro-culture does LOL. But the kids know that neither is acceptable outside of that micro-culture. And sure there are a few times they push and try it out while we're dining out but mostly they get it and abide accordingly. Mostly.

 

Knowing how to read a crowd and behave accordingly is an important life skill - perhaps even more important than flawless manners. My goal is for the children to use manners, but not to the exclusion of others; that is, it's rude (to me) to appear "more mannered than thou" if that makes any sense. I know it's rarely, if ever, the intention, but it's just how it can sometimes come across to others. I think  you're seeing some of that given the reception the family is giving you now.

 

As to the second issue, I wish I had something for you but I don't.

 

All I know is that sometimes people project their own bad habits, insecurities, and thoughts onto others. So maybe they assume you're the type of person who only calls when you need/want something because that's really who they are at the heart of it. We're all guilty of this to some degree, are we not? We assume others act with the same intentions that we do or would?