DS15 and inappropriate electronics usage - wwyd

[oneangelwaiting]

I wouldn't be facilitating these meetings of kids who live an hour away from each other.

 

The price of gas, and diapers, being what they are these days.

Ha, my dh and I feel the same. Except for special occasions like formal dances. Her parents bend over backwards for them to see each other though!

[Anne in CA]

I think that no matter what happens from here you have done the best you could have done. You have been firm, loving, respectful, and gracious. You even told the girl's mom some hard things. Congrats! 

 

 

[Lady Florida.]

It sounds like you handled it well with both your ds and the girl's mother. It also sounds like he was mature in his response/understanding. I'm glad it went well. 

[Lady Florida.]

It sounds like you handled it well with both your ds and the girl's mother. It also sounds like he was mature in his response/understanding. I'm glad it went well. 

[oneangelwaiting]

Thought I'd update again. June 9 I updated above about how he was getting partial privileges back with his phone (we allowed him 3 hours per day, and the times could be of his choosing whether all in one chunk or broken up through the day, and told him we'd add more time as we saw him being responsible and trustworthy), being able to hang out with friends again etc.  Well he saw one of his friends just a couple of times, then the friend went on a week long camping trip. The friend left that Sunday (so June 15).  After that our son was acting really strange - staying in his room all morning, coming out only to eat, hanging out in the basement alone (it's unfinished so we don't spend a ton of time down there but there is a couch and some chairs down there). Normally he is very talkative and doesn't like to be alone at all.  He was also very concerned that we knew what he was doing ("Guess what I am cleaning my room! Look how far I got in my book! I got my clothes put away!" etc.)  

 

Finally that Thursday while DS was outside on the phone which we pay for during his allotted 3 hours my husband went up and searched his room.  He found a fully functioning cell phone hidden in a bag. Apparently his friend wasn't allowed to take his phone camping so he just gave it to our son, who was spending all day/night on it and basically hiding from us so we wouldn't know, and still using his actually phone during his normal time so that we wouldn't get suspicious. But he was just acting so strange that we just knew something was up.

 

Before getting his phone back he had written us a letter apologizing, it was a 3 page letter and he took several days writing it (we didn't ask him to do this). It seemed very sincere, and very contrite.  But obviously it wasn't, since it was only a matter of days before he was sneaking around again.

 

At this point we are still considering our options.  We are thinking of removing his door to his room for one, and not allowing him to go over to friend's houses for a long time (but they would be welcome to come here).  I just don't know. At this point I'd believe anything of him; my husband heard noises at 5:30 a.m. this morning and thought it was maybe one of our little ones getting out of bed and playing, but I thought well, maybe DS15 is sneaking out now. I wouldn't put anything past him, which is very sad because 3 months ago I never would have believed that we would be here.  I just can't believe how easily he can lie to our faces all of the sudden.

 

So anyway. I am pretty bummed out.  He is not considered an adult until he is 19 in our state so we are responsible for him for nearly 4 more years.  It makes me very nervous about where this will go. Ugh. 

[gardenmom5]

he's 15 and hormonal - they are oblivious at this age that actions can have lifetime consequences. they need to be surpervised at all times.  some kids this age just stop thinking.

 

try to get him heavily invovled in outside activities.  the old adage: you can find them something to do, or they will find something to do - is pretty accurate.  if he's too busy, he won't have time to get in trouble.  if the outside activities are intense physical acitivity - he'll be too tired to get in as much trouble.

 

 

eta: doors are not allowed to be closed.  (bathroom, and changing clothes only.  the rest of the time, the door is open.  take it off the hinges if you must.)

 

 

[MomatHWTK]

Being unable to resist temptation and getting oneself into trouble again doesn't negate past contrition, IMO.  Take his apology as a good thing.  Maybe even read the letter with him when you discuss the latest difficulties- not to condemn but to remind him of who he is deep inside.  I have a child who is going through hormone swings and it is like I am living with a stranger sometimes.  I have to remind myself that I know who my children are in their hearts and try my best to be patient.  I do discipline bad behavior, but with grace, acknowledging that they are facing a tough few years as their brains and bodies transform. 

 

Has your son ever had impulse control issues before, was he a darter when little?  Was he the child who couldn't stop touching the toy, electronic, etc. no matter how many times he was told not to?  Have you looked into mindfulness and addiction control (electronic addiction) resources that he could study?

 

 

Love him, have faith in him.  Or as my DH says, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  :grouphug:

[liber]

Well, my son did the same thing, sneaking and hiding phones so he could talk to his girlfriend. I would find them of course. Fast forward a couple of years and this same son said we weren't strict enough and trusted him too easily, too soon. I told him we were afraid of being too strict because we also wanted to preserve the relationship and not push him away. He told me I should not have worried about that. He said he would have responded to firmer/ harsher consequences. So, don't know if that perspective helps you or not. Take it for what it is worth.

[QueenCat]

Be careful with punishment. The most restrictive punishments can cause rebellion, and a complete disregard for rules and consequences. The people I know who are the strictest tend to have the most problems with behavior in their children. The stricter they get, the worse the behaviors get.

[gardenmom5]

Well, my son did the same thing, sneaking and hiding phones so he could talk to his girlfriend. I would find them of course. Fast forward a couple of years and this same son said we weren't strict enough and trusted him too easily, too soon. I told him we were afraid of being too strict because we also wanted to preserve the relationship and not push him away. He told me I should not have worried about that. He said he would have responded to firmer/ harsher consequences. So, don't know if that perspective helps you or not. Take it for what it is worth.

I have one who said the same thing.

 

(I recall thinking the same thing with my own mother, but she was especially lax . . . . )

[Jean in Newcastle]

I stand by my suggestion of family counseling esp. with someone who is experienced in adoption issues.  

[liber]

Be careful with punishment. The most restrictive punishments can cause rebellion, and a complete disregard for rules and consequences. The people I know who are the strictest tend to have the most problems with behavior in their children. The stricter they get, the worse the behaviors get.

And this is what my husband and I were concerned about. We did not want to make the rebellion worse. It was always a balancing act. Never knowing if we were doing the right thing. Always second guessing ourselves. So when my son told me that we should have been stricter I just wanted to bang my head against the wall. Honestly, I don't know if it would have helped. My son seems to think it would have. In the end there is no right way. It is whatever you and your husband feel will help the most.

[Lieutenant Stranger]

Personally, and I know my opinion is in the minority...but looks like he isn't responsible enough for phones right now.

 

The phone would be gone. For a very long time. You've given him plenty of chances.

 

He's 15. A phone is a privilege, not a right. Too many people seem to forget that.

 

Also...might be time for him to do a little volunteering to fill up that free time. 

[eternalsummer]

I think taking away all privacy is kind of strange.  To never ever be alone?  Can you imagine?

 

If there is a way to block cell phone internet reception at your house (I don't have one so I'm not sure what this would entail) maybe that would be better?

 

I also think the fact that he is adopted is probably not irrelevant, honestly.

[oneangelwaiting]

Personally, and I know my opinion is in the minority...but looks like he isn't responsible enough for phones right now.

 

The phone would be gone. For a very long time. You've given him plenty of chances.

 

He's 15. A phone is a privilege, not a right. Too many people seem to forget that.

 

Also...might be time for him to do a little volunteering to fill up that free time. 

 

I feel the same way. We bought him an iPhone for US - so that he can text/call us when he is at a friend's house, or for school sports he could call us when he was back from an out of town trip and we could pick him up, or whatever. The iPhone also has a feature, I can't remember what it's called, but basically we can log into our computer and it will find him and we can see where he is which we thought might be useful.  It's nice that the phone is also convenient for him, and he can use it for things he wants to use it for like talking to his girlfriend and his friends, but I am tired of paying for something that is being used repeatedly to go against our wishes. We have 5 soon to be 6 kids, we don't have money to throw around like that.  Also the control we thought we had with it is negated if he's sneaking around anyway. I think we are going to sell it most likely, and either just get a land line that he can talk on (in the kitchen, in front of the whole family!) or something like that.  We are also selling his iPod Touch, he paid for it himself so we will talk about if he gets that money back or if he's going to owe us for the $200 we paid for his phone plus the $75/month we've been paying for it plus whatever the cancellation fee for his line is.  It's pretty beat up so I don't even know how much he'd get for it.

 

I said it before and I'll say it again - UGH. I hate this. I don't say hate very often but I really do hate this. But I am thankful this is happening now instead of when he's 17, maybe that gives us better odds of getting to the root of this.

[oneangelwaiting]

I think taking away all privacy is kind of strange.  To never ever be alone?  Can you imagine?

 

If there is a way to block cell phone internet reception at your house (I don't have one so I'm not sure what this would entail) maybe that would be better?

 

I also think the fact that he is adopted is probably not irrelevant, honestly.

 

He'd still have privacy in the bathroom. And in his room, I don't expect other people to be in there besides him.  So he'd be alone.  When he is alone he is usually sneaking around at this point so I'm not comfortable giving him that autonomy.  The way our house is laid out his room and our room are upstairs at the end of a hallway; obviously dh and I pretty much only sleep in our room so we wouldn't be up there a lot anyway...it's just that if we happened to be up there, we'd be able to see what he was doing instead of just wondering. IDK. We will see what we decide I guess.

 

We have also talked about doing family therapy again, so that is something we may look into. It stinks that we moved and would have to basically start over again with a new therapist but it is what it is.

[shawthorne44]

Seems like no privacy is a logical consequence.  Take the door off.  No basement time either.  

 

Old boyfriend of mine told me about the door removal that happened to his younger sister.  She was always slamming the door.  Always always always.  Nothing they did stopped it.  One day their dad removed the door.  Dad said it would be gone for a week.  Then it would go back on, but the next time her door was slammed the door would be gone permanently.  A couple of days after the door was back, she slammed the door.  Well, she started to, then she stuck her arm in the door and broke it.  (Just goes to show how hard she was slamming it)  She never slammed the door again.  

 

[eternalsummer]

I would not keep the money from his ipod, unless it the money he used to buy it was money you gave him in the first place (and even then, I dunno).  A landline is a good idea :)

[eternalsummer]

Hah, yes, an extreme physical consequence generally works (I am more careful around bleach after giving myself a bleach burn accidentally), but I don't advocate breaking someone's arm to keep them from slamming the door. ;)  

 

I don't really understand the difference between no door and door if he has his own room and you'll just let him stay up there all morning?  If he's talking to someone on a stolen phone, surely he'll just shove it under the bed or something when he hears you coming if he has no door, or when you open the door if he has a door.  

 

But if you're talking about a punishment type of thing instead of a functional prevention of sneaking type of thing, that is different.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Was the friend's cell phone used to contact the girlfriend?  If so, the issue really is the relationship and not the phone itself.  Banning relationships often makes them more appealing.  I would try and move the relationship out in the open - with family outings.  Since she lives farther away this will not be easy for you but I think it will be better than what you have.  I think the lying is tied specifically to him wanting the relationship or for social needs (if it wasn't used for the girlfriend).  I think the lying is an issue but not the main issue.  

[Catwoman]

It sounds like punitive punishments aren't going to work for this kid.

 

Why would you sell his iPod? :confused: Personally, I think that's just plain mean.

 

Also, he paid for it himself. Why do you think you have the right to sell it? It belongs to him.

[Catwoman]

Was the friend's cell phone used to contact the girlfriend? If so, the issue really is the relationship and not the phone itself. Banning relationships often makes them more appealing. I would try and move the relationship out in the open - with family outings. Since she lives farther away this will not be easy for you but I think it will be better than what you have. I think the lying is tied specifically to him wanting the relationship or for social needs (if it wasn't used for the girlfriend). I think the lying is an issue but not the main issue.

:iagree:

 

I don't think the punishment approach is going to do anything but drive a wedge between you and your son. Personally, I'd try to involve this girl in so many family activities that the mystery and excitement would be gone, and if there's no more thrill of sneaking around, your ds and the girl will probably get sick of each other pretty soon anyway -- and if they don't, at least you'll be around to keep an eye on them.

 

Have you sat down with your ds and had a serious discussion about his feelings for this girl? It sounds like you're spending more time looking for consequences for his behavior instead of trying to understand it.

 

I apologize if I'm completely wrong about that, and I'm sure you're not providing us with every last detail, but I'm thinking that if he thinks you're on his side and you're trying to understand his feelings, that may work out better in the long run than worrying about enforcing rules.

[DesertBlossom]

Hah, yes, an extreme physical consequence generally works (I am more careful around bleach after giving myself a bleach burn accidentally), but I don't advocate breaking someone's arm to keep them from slamming the door. ;)

 

 

 

I read that to mean the girl slammed her own arm in the door.

[eternalsummer]

Punitive punishments almost always work eventually - but in this case, you're trying to overcome a very deeply rooted instinctive drive (that is, your DS + the girl), and you're having to overcome the lack of natural biological authority, all during a time when he is biologically on the verge of manhood and thus feeling some need for and right to independence.

 

Thus, the punishment would have to be strong enough to overcome all of those things, and I dunno - you know your son better than any of us, of course, but I can't imagine that anything that is legal would work in terms of punishment.

 

That doesn't mean you have to allow the behavior, but you might have to acknowledge the forces at work, and their strength relative to yours.

[eternalsummer]

I read that to mean the girl slammed her own arm in the door.

 

Right, of course, but the poster said she stopped slamming the door after that - I'm just saying, that's kind of irrelevant to taking a door off or anything else one actually could or would do to a kid to dissuade them from slamming a door, since no one would willingly break a kid's arm.

[LucyStoner]

I also think the fact that he is adopted is probably not irrelevant, honestly.

Losing his family of origin, even for loving adoptive parents is still a loss. I think the OP's son was 11 when he was adopted. I don't think it is irrelevant at all.

 

I really think counseling can probably help them, both as a family and him individually.

[eternalsummer]

I said it was *not* irrelevant

 

eta: which I admit is a terrible grammatical construction

[oneangelwaiting]

Unfortunately this girl lives so far away in order to get her to our house and then back home (because she's not spending the night!! Ha ha) would take 4+ hours of driving in one day.  If she lived closer I'd have no problem inviting her over for stuff. Our family is also big enough that we take up all the seats in our van so even if we tried to meet up with her in the city she lives in, she'd have to find her own way because we just have no room (she is 15 so doesn't drive yet).  I'm also 26 weeks pregnant and was in the hospital yesterday with possible pre-term labor (last baby was born at 29 weeks, so we don't mess around with that stuff) and it's just hard with so many little kids, especially the 1 year old. The 3 other adopted kids are his biological siblings, there is a big age gap but it isn't really our fault (we have adopted all of his mother's children).

 

We are going to look into counseling. It seems so weird because honestly he is a nice kid! He has good manners the majority of the time, he makes OK grades in school, he is very popular at school and even his teachers and our friends all love him, seriously. But we are going to look into that again.

 

Some other things we are thinking of include hosting a game night on one night every week (maybe Friday nights or something) for his friends, girlfriend if she wants, her family, whoever to come over, eat food, and play games. I do not know if that is lame but I think it would be fun, though a bit out of my comfort zone since I am very introverted.  But maybe a good way to build relationships with all of us, in public with no sneaking around required. ;) He thinks we don't like his girlfriend though we've told him over and over we like her just fine, she seems like a nice girl, we just aren't real comfortable with the seriousness of the relationship at his age.  And we're not real keen on driving an insane amount of time so that he can see her.  We definitely don't want to force him to break up with her, I think that would be a terrible idea. We just don't want the naughty pictures, the must-be-in-constant-contact-or-I-will-die, etc.

 

[LucyStoner]

I said it was *not* irrelevant

 

eta: which I admit is a terrible grammatical construction

Clearly I need new glasses. I totally missed that I and R, lol. My bad.

[gardenmom5]

Was the friend's cell phone used to contact the girlfriend?  If so, the issue really is the relationship and not the phone itself.  Banning relationships often makes them more appealing.  I would try and move the relationship out in the open - with family outings.  Since she lives farther away this will not be easy for you but I think it will be better than what you have.  I think the lying is tied specifically to him wanting the relationship or for social needs (if it wasn't used for the girlfriend).  I think the lying is an issue but not the main issue.  

 

and by having them have face -to -face time with other family members around, you get to know her, she get's to know you and it's easier to prevent them from doing things they are too immature to do.  Just make sure they don't have time in a corner by themselves.

[Amy in NH]

The point of selling the ipod is that it has internet access that he can use to sneak around.  I would sell the ipod and use the money to buy one without internet capabilities so that he can still have his music.

[goldberry]

This is rough, and I have no real advice.  I just wanted to say it sounds like you are pretty in tune with your son.  That's a great place to be starting from.  I agree with the PP that the "relapse" does not mean he wasn't sincere about his apology.  Consistency at that age is extremely difficult, and hormones can be all-controlling...

 

It sounds like you are doing as well as possible so far..hang in there...keep communicating with him...

[shawthorne44]

I read that to mean the girl slammed her own arm in the door.

 

I think we are all in agreement.  From the example of accidentally giving herself a bleach burn, i.e. doing something to yourself.  

[busymama7]

The point of selling the ipod is that it has internet access that he can use to sneak around. I would sell the ipod and use the money to buy one without internet capabilities so that he can still have his music.

The other option would be to keep it but change the wifi password at home so he is unable to access internet and texting etc but could keep his music and offline games. He would also need to surrender it anytime he left the house. You can also turn off safari and lock his account with a password only you know so he can't install apps without you putting in the password. I think cutting off the wifi would be simplest though.

 

Good luck mama. This sounds really tough :( I can't agree more with getting him busy. He has too much time on his hands and that is very very bad for boys especially at this age.

[Colleen]

We bought him an iPhone for US - so that he can text/call us when he is at a friend's house, or for school sports he could call us when he was back from an out of town trip and we could pick him up, or whatever...It's nice that the phone is also convenient for him, and he can use it for things he wants to use it for like talking to his girlfriend and his friends, but I am tired of paying for something that is being used repeatedly to go against our wishes. We have 5 soon to be 6 kids, we don't have money to throw around like that. 

 

Ah, but you do have money to throw around like that.  If you didn't, your son wouldn't have an iPhone.  It's a luxury, plain and simple.  There are issues here that go beyond phone ownership & Internet usage, and those issues are being addressed in other posts.  I'm responding to but one aspect of your problem ~ namely, the fact that you're simultaneously providing your son with an unnecessary luxury even as you lament his abuse of that luxury.  For the life of me, I can't understand that behavior.

[oneangelwaiting]

Ah, but you do have money to throw around like that. If you didn't, your son wouldn't have an iPhone. It's a luxury, plain and simple. There are issues here that go beyond phone ownership & Internet usage, and those issues are being addressed in other posts. I'm responding to but one aspect of your problem ~ namely, the fact that you're simultaneously providing your son with an unnecessary luxury even as you lament his abuse of that luxury. For the life of me, I can't understand that behavior.

Correction: he doesn't have it anymore. So I guess I'm not sure what you are trying to say. Maybe that we were dumb for getting him a phone in the first place 8 months ago? Maybe so. Lesson learned.

[Lieutenant Stranger]

I feel the same way. We bought him an iPhone for US - so that he can text/call us when he is at a friend's house, or for school sports he could call us when he was back from an out of town trip and we could pick him up, or whatever. The iPhone also has a feature, I can't remember what it's called, but basically we can log into our computer and it will find him and we can see where he is which we thought might be useful.  It's nice that the phone is also convenient for him, and he can use it for things he wants to use it for like talking to his girlfriend and his friends, but I am tired of paying for something that is being used repeatedly to go against our wishes. We have 5 soon to be 6 kids, we don't have money to throw around like that.  Also the control we thought we had with it is negated if he's sneaking around anyway. I think we are going to sell it most likely, and either just get a land line that he can talk on (in the kitchen, in front of the whole family!) or something like that.  We are also selling his iPod Touch, he paid for it himself so we will talk about if he gets that money back or if he's going to owe us for the $200 we paid for his phone plus the $75/month we've been paying for it plus whatever the cancellation fee for his line is.  It's pretty beat up so I don't even know how much he'd get for it.

 

I said it before and I'll say it again - UGH. I hate this. I don't say hate very often but I really do hate this. But I am thankful this is happening now instead of when he's 17, maybe that gives us better odds of getting to the root of this.

 

Back in the olden days of the 1990s, you had to call when you got there. From a house phone. Granted, not everyone HAS a house phone these days, but still. It can be done.

 

Good for you, by the way. This reminded me of when we decided to get rid of TV-- it was like, wait....we're spending $100/month for the kids to watch commercials and cry when we turn this thing off?

 

Oh! And make sure that good old landline has one of those phones that attach to the walls, complete with a long cord he can drag down into a closet or something. Go really old school on him. :)

[StephanieZ]

FWIW, I think you handled this quite calmly and well. 

 

I have a 15 yo son, and I totally understand the problem you are facing. We've had some close calls, but we haven't had to deal with this issue head on yet. My son is a great young man. I think he respects women, and I think he would be loathe to do anything to harm anyone, especially a girl he cared for. 

 

HOWEVER, I have known (and dated) a lot of young men. Dh was a young man once, too. I truly believe that the vast majority of young men are driven very, very strongly by their hormones. (The only ones who were NOT that I dated/knew well as a teen ended up being gay! Other than those few exceptions, the guys I dated or who dated my friends were very, very driven towards s*x, even those who were deeply religious (or rather mentally ill) . . . Those ones might have held out for someone they loved, but they were still having s*x, and falling in love rather easily, lol!)

 

I have urged ds not to date seriously (if at all) until he is at least 16, largely to minimize the months when he is really very, very young and immature to handle the heated hormones that any significant relationship would surely inspire. I have told him for years that if he dates a girl under 16, and he gets physical with her, he not only will risk jail, but in our neck of the woods, he literally could be facing a daddy or a brother with a shotgun. You just never know . . . He has dated a bit already, and I would imagine he'll choose to date again sooner rather than later (i don't forbid it), but I am sure to emphasize the risks/expectations . . . to try to channel him away from looking for a (serious) physical relationship at this time.

 

(Obviously, I have the same concerns about my dds . . . But, I do believe the motivations/urges are quite different for most girls.)

 

Anyway, that ship has sailed to some extent, but just adding my voice to those who suggest they would not be working terribly hard to facilitate this (or other) relationship just yet . . . and that I *would* be sure to ensure chaperoning. They have shown they are not behaving within standards I'd expect, and I just cannot fathom a teen relationship going in reverse physically. In fact, I can't imagine ANY romantic relationship going in reverse physically -- unless perhaps there was a significant religious conversion/revelation that was very profound. 

 

 

[retiredHSmom]

I highly recommend getting back to counseling. Our middle daughter was perfect by many criteria. Incredible grades, leadership abilities, fantastic executive function skills. Everyone loved her, we spent our whole lives hearing and observing how great she was, meanwhile her attitude at home became worse and worse. There was some lying, way too much time spent on internet, must-have-contact relationships, insistence on greater and greater privileges. Six weeks ago she fell apart. She is in treatment for a severe eating disorder that she has been battling for the last 2.5 years. Just six weeks into treatment she is much happier and the negative attitude is gone. It is exhausting to be suffering. I would try to rule out that your son has any underlying issues that are hurting him.

[Scarlett]

This is rough, and I have no real advice. I just wanted to say it sounds like you are pretty in tune with your son. That's a great place to be starting from. I agree with the PP that the "relapse" does not mean he wasn't sincere about his apology. Consistency at that age is extremely difficult, and hormones can be all-controlling...

 

It sounds like you are doing as well as possible so far..hang in there...keep communicating with him...

I agree...and further I would encourage him to believe he is capable of controlling himself. Edited to add...but that requires removing him self from situations and relationships that tempt him.

 

 

To me the real problem is that he has a girlfriend at such a young age. Some of you believe forbidding the relationship will only lead to further rebellion. Rebellion is a heart issue...he will listen to his parents or he won't. But I wouldn't be allowing and contributing to a 15 year old having a girlfriend.

 

I think he needs something to do. Fill his time with some hard physical work ( but not as punishment...don't even mention it in relationship to this gf issue), volunteer work, etc.

[Myeightkiddies]

The reason that they are so "in love" is because they don't see each other often and mainly communicate through technology.  It's easy to have a romance via texting as it requires little effort, and due to the ability to censor/filter oneself, the relationship can remain "perfect" for a long period of time. If you get them together more often, it is likely that the relationship will terminate on its own.  The key, though, is to have them together at your place.  While there give them tasks that require work, such as making and planting a garden, weeding the flower bed, cleaning out the garage, etc.  The chores will keep them busy.  They will also not be exactly fun.  She will tire of them and eventually not want to come over to visit.  He will become less appealing, to her as seeing him requires work.  Also, when they work on something together such as that they can really get to know each other.  For instance it is easy to see flaws if one relies on the other to finish a task (one not working as hard or as well as the other or one gets grouchy/snappy from the work).

 

It isn't foolproof; however, it is worth a try.  He will see it, at first, as you really trying because you keep inviting her over to visit.  If all works out, he won't blame you when the relationship terminates because you did "try".  

[goldberry]

The reason that they are so "in love" is because they don't see each other often and mainly communicate through technology.  It's easy to have a romance via texting as it requires little effort, and due to the ability to censor/filter oneself, the relationship can remain "perfect" for a long period of time. If you get them together more often, it is likely that the relationship will terminate on its own.  The key, though, is to have them together at your place.  While there give them tasks that require work, such as making and planting a garden, weeding the flower bed, cleaning out the garage, etc.  The chores will keep them busy.  They will also not be exactly fun.  She will tire of them and eventually not want to come over to visit.  He will become less appealing, to her as seeing him requires work.  Also, when they work on something together such as that they can really get to know each other.  For instance it is easy to see flaws if one relies on the other to finish a task (one not working as hard or as well as the other or one gets grouchy/snappy from the work).

 

It isn't foolproof; however, it is worth a try.  He will see it, at first, as you really trying because you keep inviting her over to visit.  If all works out, he won't blame you when the relationship terminates because you did "try".  

 

 

I agree...and further I would encourage him to believe he is capable of controlling himself. Edited to add...but that requires removing him self from situations and relationships that tempt him.

 

 

To me the real problem is that he has a girlfriend at such a young age. Some of you believe forbidding the relationship will only lead to further rebellion. Rebellion is a heart issue...he will listen to his parents or he won't. But I wouldn't be allowing and contributing to a 15 year old having a girlfriend.

 

I think he needs something to do. Fill his time with some hard physical work ( but not as punishment...don't even mention it in relationship to this gf issue), volunteer work, etc.

 

 

While I would normally agree with Scarlett about not allowing and contributing to a 15 yo having a girlfriend, I think that once the relationship has reached the stage described it's past that point.  At this point, I would go with my8kiddies plan.

 

Also, I should have used the phrase "overwhelming" rather than "all-controlling" for hormones. Yes, teens most certainly can control themselves. Takes a lot of working and learning though sometimes.

[fairfarmhand]

Can you meet her parents half way somewhere to facilitate their getting together? Perhaps in the morning one day when you have activities planned. The two of them can help with household chores, play with ds's siblings, hang out with other teens in the afternoon, etc. Then in the evening, you can meet the other parents in the middle.

 

I agree that the relationship will probably fizzle when they can get the technological blinders off.

 

I'd go to no more texting.

 

With your son, I'd frame it as "We want to help you spend time with girlfriend. We are doing you a big favor. You must work inside these guidelines. (no bedroom time, must stay upstairs, no sneaking off just the 2 of them. etc.) If you blow it, I'm less inclined to work so hard to help you out. "

 

So if one day a week they can hang out all day, you have a Friday game night, and one day a week the other parents let them hang out, they get three days per week where they are spending time together.

 

 

Also, according to my dh, who waited for me while dating quite a bit during high school and college, boys need physical outlets. My dh said he played hours of ball as a teen and young adult each day. Can you get your boy on a soccer team or swim team somewhere?

[Trish]

These seem like separate issues, the girlfriend and the technology.

 

He was planning to "secretly meet up with her" -- the initial problem that warranted taking away privileges. Since the GF's parents facilitate their meetings, how was this "secret" meeting going to happen? And why did it need to be secret if their relationship was something everyone knows about?

 

Re: his phone, if the reason you want him to have a phone is so you can communicate with HIM, then he doesn't need an Iphone. You can sell that and get a dumb phone that will allow you to talk/text. I don't see any special reason to limit their talking/texting during the summer unless he isn't getting his other responsibilities done. Maybe their should be a house rule about phones kept downstairs, you certainly don't want him up all night talking.

 

Re: The Ipod, agree with others you can put a password on your internet service.

 

Not sure why you should facilitate a relationship that has so many negatives. How did they even meet, or was she close and then moved away?

 

 

[Okra]

The reason that they are so "in love" is because they don't see each other often and mainly communicate through technology.  It's easy to have a romance via texting as it requires little effort, and due to the ability to censor/filter oneself, the relationship can remain "perfect" for a long period of time. If you get them together more often, it is likely that the relationship will terminate on its own.  The key, though, is to have them together at your place.  While there give them tasks that require work, such as making and planting a garden, weeding the flower bed, cleaning out the garage, etc.  The chores will keep them busy.  They will also not be exactly fun.  She will tire of them and eventually not want to come over to visit.  He will become less appealing, to her as seeing him requires work.  Also, when they work on something together such as that they can really get to know each other.  For instance it is easy to see flaws if one relies on the other to finish a task (one not working as hard or as well as the other or one gets grouchy/snappy from the work).

 

It isn't foolproof; however, it is worth a try.  He will see it, at first, as you really trying because you keep inviting her over to visit.  If all works out, he won't blame you when the relationship terminates because you did "try".  

 

I like this idea.  This will help them get to know each other in "real"life, not a movie theater, or online.  Is there any way you can figure out to make something like this work?  Obviously, I realize you have the driving issues, and she should NOT stay overnight at your house.  I don't have any great ideas for you, I just wanted to let you know that I like this idea a lot.  At your house, BUT KEPT BUSY, so you don't have to supervise every waking minute.

[Pronghorn]

I wonder what would happen if you took a collaborative approach. Talk with him about how he is having trouble following through on his good intentions. Ask him what ideas he has on how you could help him with this. Brainstorm together and write down all ideas however wacky. Then each of you could cross out ideas that you can't live with ( e.g. no contact again with the girl at all again, ever.) Then together come up with a plan and sign onto it. Maybe revisit the agreement later and discuss how it is working.

 

This approach comes from the book How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk ( or some title roughly like that).

[catz]

 

 

Also, according to my dh, who waited for me while dating quite a bit during high school and college, boys need physical outlets. My dh said he played hours of ball as a teen and young adult each day. Can you get your boy on a soccer team or swim team somewhere?

 

I think this is huge at this age.  My son is only 13.5, but he has many friends in the 12-16 year old range.  The ones that have good outlets, especially physical ones, seem less likely to be in serious relationships and are more focused academically and otherwise.  I know my own kid does not do great using his time well if he's left to his own devices hour after hour after hour. 

 

My own kid has just had a few minor crushes and nothing ongoing in terms of girls.  Girls have been MUCH more gaga for him than the other way.  He just considers some girls as "friends".  So I don't have hard thoughts on that.  But having some outlets to focus on is HUGE for my own teen boy.  He is now required to have a physical outlet.  I do not care what it is or if he excels in it.  He just needs to burn off some steam.  Physical labor/volunteering is great too. 

[Catwoman]

The point of selling the ipod is that it has internet access that he can use to sneak around.  I would sell the ipod and use the money to buy one without internet capabilities so that he can still have his music.

I just think it's wrong to sell his possessions without his consent.

 

Limiting usage and/or password-protecting it are one thing. Selling it is another.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think this is huge at this age.  My son is only 13.5, but he has many friends in the 12-16 year old range.  The ones that have good outlets, especially physical ones, seem less likely to be in serious relationships and are more focused academically and otherwise.  I know my own kid does not do great using his time well if he's left to his own devices hour after hour after hour. 

 

 

I tend to agree with this. From my own highly unscientific experience and observations, I can tell you that most of the kids I knew when I was young got into various kinds of trouble, dated (and more) far too early, etc., mostly because we were bored and restless. In that day and age, we didn't have any meaningful work to do at home in suburbia, and it wasn't the norm for parents to encourage or support serious extracurricular activities. So, we went to school (most of the time), came home, rushed through our homework and then passed the hours by watching TV, talking to each other on the phone and, when that got boring, putting the rest of our energies into figuring out how to get into trouble,

 

On the other hand, my son and his friends are busy. One of his buddies plays with his school's marching band and the jazz ensemble, sings with the school chorus and a community choir, takes instrument and voice lessons and does some community theatre. My own son dances pretty seriously. This past year, he was at the dance studio an average of about 20 hours a week, taking regular classes, rehearsing for competitions and teaching/assistant teaching a few classes. He also sings with a pretty rigorous choir. (They just returned from a trip to NYC during which they did several concerts and participated in a youth choir festival that included a performance at Carnegie Hall.) And he's logged just short of 300 hours of community service in the past three years. Other friends volunteer, make music videos and web series, are involved with the school newspaper, yearbook, drama club, etc.

 

From what I can tell, the ones who are kept more busy with meaningful, organized activities tend to be happier and get into less trouble. The relationship is almost linear: More time in healthy activities equals better attitude and academic performance and less serious trouble. 

[oneangelwaiting]

I just think it's wrong to sell his possessions without his consent.

 

Limiting usage and/or password-protecting it are one thing. Selling it is another.

I do get it. But even if we change our wifi password, which we have, that's not to say he can't get on a neighbor's wifi, even if it is password protected he could probably get the password from their kids who he goes to school with. There is just no way he could have it, with all of the things that it can do (who knew you could use an iPod for talking on the phone, facetiming, texting, sending pictures, browsing the Web, etc.), unless we want to sit there over his shoulder the entire time. Plus in his conversations he has mentioned secret apps where he can keep the pictures she sends him private, so who knows what all is on there that we can't even access.

 

I guess we could just keep it and give it back when he moves out! :D