planner Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Please don't quote. Let's say that you call an auto shop for a repair. That repair requires parts that will need to be picked up by the shop. They say that they can get it done that day but won't give an estimated completion time. Would you wait at the shop or arrange to go back later in the day? Personally, I would not wait at the shop. I would come back when I received a call telling me the vehicle was ready to be picked up. The reason I ask is because I've upset a friend by following her son to the shop and bringing him home, then taking him back to the shop when the car was ready. Apparently, he was to wait the 5 hours at the shop and I've denied him the valuable life lesson that people wait at shops for cars to get done and the job will be completed sooner if you stay at the shop and let the mechanics know you are waiting. I have never waited for longer than one hour at a shop. I've always had a friend or my husband give me a ride and I'm happy to do the same for others. I didn't feel inconvenienced. I felt like I was helping. She called me and gave me 5 minutes worth of instructions on what needed to happen to the car so I assumed she wanted my help. Apparently, I was to relay the message to her son, but not accompany him. I knew that she wanted him to wait for the car but when we got there, they would not commit to a completion time, and the shop has no waiting room so I took him back to my house. When I left the shop, I did so knowing I would be making the return trip and I was fine with that. However, my friend feels like I've undermined her parenting and that her son needs to learn that people wait. She went so far to tell me that she couldn't be my friend anymore if I continued to act this way. I listened to her but I did tell her that if she didn't want me involved that she probably shouldn't give me five minutes of instructions and that she should talk to him directly. It's not my fault that he didn't answer his phone and that he was at my house. She should have asked to talk to him if she didn't want me to help. She said she specifically told me not to go with him, but she didn't, and if she did, I missed that. I did let her know that I didn't understand that she didn't want me to go and that I was sorry about the way she felt. I do think that she told her son not to let me accompany him but he didn't tell me that. This isn't a JAWM thread so if you think I'm the owner of the crazy in this situation, you can tell me. I view her son as a member of our family (he generally eats lunch and dinner at our house) and treat him accordingly and I think that bothers her. It probably doesn't help that he's let his siblings know that he prefers our house to his own. I wouldn't be surprised if he's told her the same thing and that all just leads me to wonder if she didn't manipulate this situation in the first place because she's unhappy with the reality of where he chooses to spend his time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghanL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 You are not the crazy one. If she wanted to teach her son a valuable lesson, she should have gone with him to the shop, not pawn him off on you and then berate you for your kindness, help, time and energy in helping her child. She doesn't get to parent from the other side of the city. If this was important to her, she needed her son at her house, feeding him all his meals and taking him to get the mechanic sorted out. That *you* didn't parent her child in *her* preferred way is so ridiculous I have to laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 That *you* didn't parent her child in *her* preferred way is so ridiculous I have to laugh. This. How old is said child? Since he has a car, I'm thinking he's way too old for this. As an aside, her premise is faulty. A watched pot does not boil any faster and a watched mechanic doesn't work any faster. I have been dropped off and I have sat and waited (for hours, when I couldn't find a ride). They didn't go any faster because I was sitting there. If she goes to a garage where they only work when she's watching, she needs a new garage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bagel270 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 You're helping her and her son, and she's mad at you. Nope you're not the crazy. And what if they had needed to order parts? Was he supposed to camp out? :huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Honestly (as the wife of an owner of a mechanic related shop) I find the customer standing there to cause everyone to be less comfortable and possibly make repairs slower. She is projecting her own feelings of inadequacy onto you and I honestly believe she set (one of you) up for failure. It will get worse and I would back off from the child for HIS sake-- it cannot be comfortable at his home with his mother jealous of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 He's 18. He doesn't just hang out at our house either. He works here but he spends much more time here than I need him too. He even has asked to come work and bring friends with him. I know that's his way of saying he needs a place to hang out and when I check his time card, he doesn't charge me for that time. He just wants a place to hang out and I'm happy to provide it to him. He's a good kid and I like having him around. They did need to order parts! That's why I didn't want to leave him. His mom wanted him to stand up to me and tell me he had to stay at the shop. But really, if he had to stay, why did I drive 20 miles to her shop in the first place? And frankly, he won't stand up to me because I'm being nice and he's smart enough to recognize that. I did tell him not to mention to his mom that he didn't stay but she specifically asked him where he was and he's a good kid so he told her the truth. And let's just say he was on the phone with her a long time after he told her where he was and the tone of her voice was unpleasant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm not agreeing with you to agree with you. your friend is nuts. If this "life lesson" of leaving her son at the mechanic for FIVE HOURS was so important to her - she should have taken him herself. and if "undermining her parenting" meant letting her son see some mother's are reasonable - well so be it! eta: glad to read he is 18. he can move out when he can afford to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Wow, you are being really nice. She is being pushy, rude and incredibly demanding. I would tell her to take care of her own responsibilities toward her son next time. How many years before that young man finds freedom? I have a feeling he will be visiting you a lot more often than his mom. ETA - he's 18? Then he doesn't need parenting anymore not in the sense she's using it. Advice and mentoring yes, but he's looking for it from you not her and it is all because of the way she's acting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghanL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I did tell him not to mention to his mom that he didn't stay but she specifically asked him where he was and he's a good kid so he told her the truth. This would not be ok. I don't think it's ever appropriate to ask a child (even an 18-year-old who lives at home) to lie to their parents..even if the parent is being unreasonable. I think she would have every right to lay into you for telling her son to lie to her. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 This would not be ok. I don't think it's ever appropriate to ask a child (even an 18-year-old who lives at home) to lie to their parents..even if the parent is being unreasonable. I think she would have every right to lay into you for telling her son to lie to her. Sorry. I can agree with you there. I don't believe she knows that I said that to him. Her issue is that I went with him and didn't leave him there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I can't imagine taking to task a friend who did me a favor just because they didn't do it exactly the way I'd pictured in my head. Your "friend" is a nutball. And, oh my. He's 18? Yikes. She's really off base here. At 18, I'd consider it doing my adult child a helpful favor to find someone who was available to give him a ride and leave it at that. The real favor from you was to her adult son and she should have stayed out of the rest of it. By now, this shouldn't be a "life lesson" anyway. There are plenty of those awaiting him as he, you know, lives his life. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 ETA - he's 18? Then he doesn't need parenting anymore not in the sense she's using it. Advice and mentoring yes, but he's looking for it from you not her and it is all because of the way she's acting. she reminds me of my grandmother. she was BPD. she never stopped trying to control everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 There's probably a very good reason he is at your house so often. I wouldn't interact with her. If she wants to talk to her son, she can call him directly. He's 18 and an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think there's more to the story, but honestly, the setup sounds strange. Why is an 18yo man hanging around your house just because? It sounds funny to me. And why is his mom treating him like a child? Why did you drive up there in the first place if the young man was taking the car to the shop? Why would his mom talk to you about what she wanted her son to do, if he was taking the car to the shop on his own? I'm really confused. I think she may suspect something. If the relationship is important to you, ask her if there is something bothering her other than the issue at hand, because that doesn't seem like something to end a friendship over. But from your comments, it sounds like you don't respect her as a friend, so maybe just walk away from her. Her kid has a right to be anywhere he wants to be, and he is old enough to discuss it with his mom without your help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Oh, to answer your original question, I would usually wait, because I don't usually have anyone to drive me around. I bring my computer so I can work during that time. If my kids are with me, I bring school work etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Your friend is nuts. I would not wait. What you need to do now is dial back the crazy. Apologize for misunderstanding her instructions and tell her you were not trying to subvert her parenting. Then stop arguing. Just stop. Maintain cheery, polite distance. You can do this in a way that makes it feel all friendly without actually giving part of your heart to a real friendship. Just be cordial and sweet and disengaged. Keep being there for her boy. His mom is nuts and he needs friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I don't even wait at the shop for an oil change. DH and I drop the car off and then come home until they call to let us know the car is ready. I'm sorry your friend was so upset. I have to wonder if she would wait 5 hours for a car to be repaired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I always wait on my car - but it's within walking distance to a large mall. So, I'm able to shop and then tell my dh I had no choice because the auto shop took several hours with my car. What else was I to do??? :tongue_smilie: I think your friend is nuts to want her son to wait several hours on his vehicle when there was someone willing and able to drive him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm mystified by the phone call you mentioned. She gave you five minutes' worth of information about what the mechanic was going to do to her son's car . . . so that you could convey that information to her son? I'm quite confused. But to answer your question, no I never stay unless I have absolutely no other choice. Other choices I have made have included taking the bus, and walking two miles home when I didn't have a ride. I can't imagine what I possibly could have gained or learned by staying -- it would have just been a waste of a day. And if they didn't have a waiting room, it would have been a very uncomfortable waste of a day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Friend is crazy. I would be distancing myself ASAP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoseInABook Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 That is really bizarre to have such an adverse reaction to that. I've never sat in a repair shop, I always wait for them to call me back when it is done and that's what my parents always did as well. She has to have some other reasoning behind it that she's not saying, probably jealousy that he's with you so often and prefers your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm mystified by the phone call you mentioned. She gave you five minutes' worth of information about what the mechanic was going to do to her son's car . . . so that you could convey that information to her son? . Exactly that. I was to convey. He was sitting on the couch hanging with my son. There was no reason she couldn't have talked to him. Trust me, I won't be having conversations like this with her again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Maybe the mom thinks her son has a crush on you and could never say it aloud but it makes her uncomfortable. Don't think she thinks that. It certainly isn't true. I do think she thinks her son and I have a more positive relationship than they do and she's correct about that but I've never sought that. It's not that our relationship is so good it's that theirs is not good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Don't think she thinks that. It certainly isn't true. I do think she thinks her son and I have a more positive relationship than they do and she's correct about that but I've never sought that. It's not that our relationship is so good it's that theirs is not good. And you are not poisoning their relationship. She is by this kind of behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'll add to the chorus of "you're not nuts". I never wait at the mechanic. My mom and I have a system, if either of us needs a car worked on, we meet at the mechanic 15 min before she needs to be at work, I drop her off, pick her up at the end of the day and head back to pick up the car being worked on. That way the mechanic doesn't feel rushed and they do seem to appreciate being able to work on the car when it's convenient for them. It works for my mom and I because we each get rides back and forth to the mechanic. And I'm curious, what kind of life lesson does one learn from hanging out at the car garage all day? If anything, you would think those would be wasted hours where you could be earning money to pay for the car repair.....I can't imagine if DH decided to do this on a work day. A more real life lesson would be, drop off your car and get a ride to work so you can afford the car repair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Sounds like she's trying to get him to be independent (like the adult he is) and feels you have a pattern of making things too easy for him. Without knowing more, I can't tell you whether she's out of line or whether you are. Honestly, I get irritated when people do things for my kids when I want them to do it themselves. Especially if it is more than once in a while. When my kids are 18, I certainly don't want them hanging around eating meals at other people's houses. I want them to prepare their own meals, or purchase them with money earned through grown-up employment. I also expect them to help around the house (my house, if that's where they live). My hope is that if I dropped dead the day after their 18th birthday, they would be able to take basic care of themselves without my mom friends feeding them and driving them around etc. I would be really irritated if they had a place to go and get treated like a little child all the time when they should be acting like adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Yeah, what life lesson do you learn, except to be pushy and demanding and passive aggressive all at once Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think mom is uber jealous. I wish someone would tell her about "the mother pie". My kids do/did it and I do it as well w/certain friends of theirs who need it. It doesn't take away being THE MOM (usually, unless said mom is craycray), if properly done, it enhances it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 From the OP: "I knew that she wanted him to wait for the car but when we got there, ..." "I did let her know that I didn't understand that she didn't want me to go and that I was sorry about the way she felt. I do think that she told her son not to let me accompany him but he didn't tell me that." Seems to me that you knew that your following him to the repair shop was different from what the mom intended. And therefore so was everything that followed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 If he's 18, it's up to him whether he sits around at the mechanic or finds a ride to go wait somewhere else. Either way it did not inconvenience his mother, and once they're 18, learning life lessons is their own responsibility, not the parent's. All a parent can really do is decide whether they'll continue being a parachute when their kid jumps out of the airplanes of life a while longer. if they don't, they shouldn't be critical of the kid for having the sense to find a different parachute instead of breaking his neck, so to speak. It's true of major things, as well as of minor things.Part of growing up is to learn appropriately when to ask for help, and when to rely on friends instead of mom and dad, as well as when to "be independent" and do things on one's own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Even if that is the case, I think it's stupid. I don't wait. If I don't have a ride home I'd ask the shop or call a cab (or take a bus). Some shops will even give you a ride home. If it was just the one thing, yeah, but it sounds like this is a pattern. Sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing. And also - he didn't go "home." He went back to OP's house where he now does not have a vehicle and *has* to hang there for hours and then bum another ride from OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMommy Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I think your friend is crazy. I don't think, however, that it's unreasonable to expect that some people wait at the mechanic. DH always waits, as we only have one car, and it would be too much trouble for him to find a way home for just a few hours. And even when we had two cars, it was still too much trouble, because of how far away the dealer is. I've waited with all five children for several hours on more than one occasion myself...sometimes, it's just what you have to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Exactly that. I was to convey. He was sitting on the couch hanging with my son. There was no reason she couldn't have talked to him. Trust me, I won't be having conversations like this with her again. Huh. Okay. I don't know how indicative this one story is of this mom's parenting, but in this story, she seemed to be trying really hard to create some sort of artificial learning experience for her son, at great cost to him but with no real benefit. I mean, what is he supposed to learn from sitting around for five hours waiting, how to waste a day? It's utterly pointless, and yet she's making an issue of it. If this happens often, it's no wonder to me that her son prefers spending time at your house. But, no doubt she's noticed this, and it probably hurts. Badly. No one likes feeling like they are the second choice. So, honestly my heart goes out to her for that. And I hope that she finds better ways of interacting with her son so that she can turn things around. My mom did, and we have a wonderful relationship now as a result, despite some very bad times when I was teen. I'm not sure what you can do except what you've already stated: not get involved next time. Hindsight is 20/20 and all, so this is easy for me to say now, but you probably should have just handed the phone to her son. Like you, I would have been disinclined to abandon the poor kid at the mechanic's shop for five hours. And he's legally an adult so there's certainly nothing wrong with you offering him a ride or letting him stay at your house. But if you knew that she didn't want you to, then it becomes . . . complicated. I don't know what the right way to handle this is. Wow, I just wrote you two paragraphs to tell you that I don't know what to tell you! :lol: I'm such a big help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I spent the last big (presidential) election night at the car fixit place (with my kids), for several hours. Not fun trying to follow election returns in an auto shop, but we live through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 By the way, all of us probably had some friend's mom who seemed nicer than our mom - because they weren't our mom! It's not abnormal for a mom to set up an 18yo's home life such that things are not fun & easy all the time. Most people would advise that you don't want home to be too comfy at that age. You don't want them to live there forever, right? Remember not long ago, that 18yo girl who moved in with another family and decided to sue her "awful" parents? Somehow this reminds me of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Oh, but to answer your original question, I do not wait unless I have absolutely no other choice. I've walked two miles home and back to avoid waiting. I've ridden the bus to avoid waiting. Once, I had to wait because it was too far to walk and there wasn't a bus route close by either. I waited for THREE HOURS for a job they said would take 45 minutes. Waiting there definitely does NOT make them work any faster! The work takes as long as it takes. And that's usually longer than they think it's going to take, in my experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 There's helping, and then there is enabling. Again, if this were a one-time thing and they knew it was going to be a 5-hour wait, that's one thing. Eating 2 meals a day at OP's house habitually, being there all the time, having a BS job with her instead of a traditional employer, and having her follow him to the car place because they didn't know for sure it would be a very short wait.... Not liking it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I have only had to take my car in once and I did not wait around. My MIL came and drove the kids and me home until it was done. The shop offered a courtesy ride home, but I had already made arrangements. Typically DH or my dad make repairs to our vehicles so I don't have to worry about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 There's helping, and then there is enabling. Again, if this were a one-time thing and they knew it was going to be a 5-hour wait, that's one thing. Eating 2 meals a day at OP's house habitually, being there all the time, having a BS job with her instead of a traditional employer, and having her follow him to the car place because they didn't know for sure it would be a very short wait.... Not liking it. I missed something. Why is the job "BS"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 There's helping, and then there is enabling. Again, if this were a one-time thing and they knew it was going to be a 5-hour wait, that's one thing. Eating 2 meals a day at OP's house habitually, being there all the time, having a BS job with her instead of a traditional employer, and having her follow him to the car place because they didn't know for sure it would be a very short wait.... Not liking it. How do you know this is the case? I had two jobs at the homes of family friends that were not BS jobs. They owned their own businesses and ran them out of home offices. I learned a lot, liked the families, and often hung out outside of working hours. I turned out okay. I don't think the OP has said what type of job but she is his employer and he also apparently likes hanging out at her house with her son. I don't really get why that's a problem. We really know very little about him other than he works for the OP and she helped him get his car fixed. It seems like you are making a lot of assumptions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plateau Mama Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 This boy learned a life lesson. He learned his mom isn't willing to help him out. He also learned that others are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Please don't quote. Let's say that you call an auto shop for a repair. That repair requires parts that will need to be picked up by the shop. They say that they can get it done that day but won't give an estimated completion time. Would you wait at the shop or arrange to go back later in the day? Personally, I would not wait at the shop. I would come back when I received a call telling me the vehicle was ready to be picked up. The reason I ask is because I've upset a friend by following her son to the shop and bringing him home, then taking him back to the shop when the car was ready. Apparently, he was to wait the 5 hours at the shop and I've denied him the valuable life lesson that people wait at shops for cars to get done and the job will be completed sooner if you stay at the shop and let the mechanics know you are waiting. If I -need- the car done right away, I'd wait. If I can afford to be without a car overnight, then I leave and come back when its done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 This would not be ok. I don't think it's ever appropriate to ask a child (even an 18-year-old who lives at home) to lie to their parents..even if the parent is being unreasonable. I think she would have every right to lay into you for telling her son to lie to her. Sorry. I can agree with you there. I don't believe she knows that I said that to him. Her issue is that I went with him and didn't leave him there. The OP did NOT ask/tell/encourage the young man to lie- she just let him know that not mentioning a particular detail might keep things from blowing up. I have zero problems with that. But the mom asked a direct question and he answered truthfully. yay for the young man! :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 The OP did NOT ask/tell/encourage the young man to lie- she just let him know that not mentioning a particular detail might keep things from blowing up. Right. She knew it would tick mom off before mom got ticked off. I think it is a bit disingenuous for the OP to talk like she had no idea the mom didn't want her to drive her kid home. If it is really that ridiculous for the son to wait, then why not just be up front about it? "Hi mom, I decided not to wait because it is going to take a long time and I can get use that time to ____." I think the mom feels she's being lied to and that is adding to the tension. When someone hides something from you, you start wondering what else is being hidden. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Sounds like she's trying to get him to be independent (like the adult he is) and feels you have a pattern of making things too easy for him. Without knowing more, I can't tell you whether she's out of line or whether you are. Honestly, I get irritated when people do things for my kids when I want them to do it themselves. Especially if it is more than once in a while. When my kids are 18, I certainly don't want them hanging around eating meals at other people's houses. I want them to prepare their own meals, or purchase them with money earned through grown-up employment. I also expect them to help around the house (my house, if that's where they live). My hope is that if I dropped dead the day after their 18th birthday, they would be able to take basic care of themselves without my mom friends feeding them and driving them around etc. I would be really irritated if they had a place to go and get treated like a little child all the time when they should be acting like adults. :confused1: Huh. I have been a legal adult for 27 years and have never waited at the mechanic for anything longer than an oil change. We usually drop our cars off after hours, and pick them up after hours, too. A day at home with no car is much better than a day spent waiting at the mechanic's. I also eat at other people's homes, prepare meals for other adults, purhase things for adults, and give other adults rides home from the echanic when dropping off their car... and grown-up employment? What the heck is that? DH has a degree and been in the same job for 10+ years, and he has toys & action figures all over his desk. So do most of the other grown-ups that are emplyed along with him. :confused1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carriede Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I only wait for the car if I have no other way to leave or if the mechanic says it'll only be another 30-60 minutes. I can't imagine waiting for 5 hours JUST to WAIT vs having no way to go anywhere else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 He's 18. Your "friend" is crazy. There is no "parenting" to undermine - her child is an adult. I'd welcome her 'breaking up' the "friendship" if I were you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 It's your friend that needs the Life Lesson, not you or her son. I'd be inclined to brush off her comments with "this is what works for me, I'm glad it all turned out fine, next time you can handle it your way." Shrug. I wouldn't promise to do any differently if there is a "next time." If she keeps going on about it, I'd deflect with, "that's how I was comfortable handling things, let's just move on." Sound like too much micromanaging, to me, unless her adult son is specifically seeking her input. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm stunned that your friend told you how YOU should behave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 There's helping, and then there is enabling. Again, if this were a one-time thing and they knew it was going to be a 5-hour wait, that's one thing. Eating 2 meals a day at OP's house habitually, being there all the time, having a BS job with her instead of a traditional employer, and having her follow him to the car place because they didn't know for sure it would be a very short wait.... Not liking it. Minus the bs job part, because I know nothing about the job he does for her, I'm agreeing with you. It being a one time deal would be one thing. But if OP is constantly doing things for this guy that the mother is unwilling to do it could easily be that she is enabling him and allowing him to behave like a child when she shouldn't be. However, that still doesn't give the mom and justification in going of on the OP the way she did, unless the mom has spoken with OP about the enabling issue and has asked her to help stop it from happening so her son can become more independent. I would certainly be pissed and end a friendship if a friend was enabling my adult child after I personally talked to them about the problem and requested they respect the need for some tough love with him. If my friend couldn't do that I wouldn't want to be friends with her. Not saying any of this went down, just trying to see it from the mom's perspective and how it could have unfolded in a better way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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