Convicted Sex Offender as neighbor - What would you do? Please!

[vineyard]

I am literally sick to my stomach as I type this. We have been trying to purchase a house for six months it is finally a week away from closing and just yesterday my sister calls me to tell me that in the little i.e. 1,500 people town I am moving to there are three registered sex offenders and one lives on the road we are buying a house on. I wasn't terribly shocked as it's a very long road and the numbering 64 numbers between the two houses so I thought I knew where it was a longgg way away. We just came from the property and it's not a long way away but only one house is between us and the offenders!!! Our lot is very private & wooded (2 acres), next door neighbor has property same size, & offenders is 53 acres that comes almost up to our property in a heavily wooded, dense brook area.

 

A little background on me may shed some light on the subject both my sister & I are childhood abuse survivors from the same person. We both struggle with issues stemming from the environment we grew up in. We both are some may say hyper vigilant about our children's safety. If the truth be told under all of the reasons why I choose to homeschool the most overriding one would probably be my children's safety. I am a Christian & definately feel it's His will that we homeschool, but it's also a latent fear of what is possible that drives me to push on through the bad patches. I know some would say I need to trust in God & I can't shelter them forever, but I struggle with why did He allow it in my life?? It would be the one thing that would be my greatest fear & no fear of the Lord would stop me from doing anything in my power to someone who would do that to my child.

 

I know God has allowed me to find this out now for a reason, but I'm really too shocked to think about it now. I don't know if I will ever feel safe leaving me children home without me now. Ds is going to be 13 soon & dd is 10.5 (ironically the same age as when it happened to me). I thought I was handling her maturing pretty well & all the rememberances from my past now this. If you are wondering-No, I have never had actual counseling about my past. I feel I've dealt with it & don't want to revisit that period of my life & all the dysfunction that was it.

 

I am going to order the complete Criminal History, but won't be hear until after we are to close. He is 44 years old registered in 2005 & was convicted of a Classs B Felony of Illegal Sexual Contact with a Minor.

 

What would you do what can I do to safeguard my dc? My dh thinks it's far off enough we won't happen to have contact a .25 mile down the road, we are going to activate security system, install more motion lights anyway, he has a pistol permit & firearms, and thinks I'm not trusting in God about our dc safety.

 

I'm a realist & have seen only too well the sick side of some men. In my sisters search she also turned up another "nice boy" I went to school with who was registered. This is the second one I knew & they were the nice alter boy, clean cut, bring home types. I know abuse is rampant I believe 1 in 4 - I refuse to let my children be statistics.

 

Should I move in knowing what is a quarter mile down the road, be thankful I know, have the predator talk I ned to have, stop living in my I can keep them safe utopian world, & maybe I really am not trusting in God.

 

OR Adamantly tell my dh there is no way I could ever feel safe there & try to convince him I'm right.

 

I only have a week or less to sort this out.

 

Thank you for reading this, if you are inclined please pray for clarity, & be kind if you don't believe in firearms. I don't want to start a debate, just really need advice, help processing all this.

[Nakia]

We had the same exact thing happen to us about 3 years ago. We found a perfect house, perfect neighborhood, perfect price, etc. About two weeks before closing, something (the Holy Spirit!) led me to look online at the sex offenders registry. There was a sex offender 5 houses down. I was so upset!! We were not going to buy that house. Luckily, my dh was with me on that! The inspection showed quite a bit that needed to be done, so we were able to get out of the contract. I would not buy a house knowing there was a sex offender anywhere around! Talk to your realtor and see if they can find a loophole and get you out of the contract. I will pray for you. You are right, God meant for you to know!

[Cathy in IL]

I can't tell you what the right thing to do would be. I will say your peace of mind is important. Moving there could stir up memories and feelings in you. That may not be a bad thing because God may bring you more complete healing through it. If you do move there, it might be helpful to find a good counselor to work through things with. I think that by knowing about this neighbor, you will be well empowered to keep your children safe even if you live there. The sad truth is that there are many abusers out there who are not registered, who no one know about. I think they could be an even bigger threat, but we would nevere know who they are. I hope that you are able to have peace with whatever decision you make or allow the unsettled feeling to bring you to a place of greater healing.

[Julie in Austin]

Story:

 

I always check the registry when we move. This area was fine. A few months ago, I was eating breakfast when my 3yo said, "Mommy--look at all the police."

 

They weren't police.

 

They were FBI.

 

Arresting my neighbor.

 

Twenty feet from my table.

 

For being part of a world-wide CHILD PORN RING.

 

He had no criminal record of anything.

 

I think what I learned from this is that you never, ever know and you have to be careful with everyone. The fact that your neighbor is NOT on the registry does not mean that he is NOT a child abuser.

 

So I guess this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me because a neighborhood with no registered offenders can't be considered "safer."

[Julie in CA]

I am literally sick to my stomach as I type this. We have been trying to purchase a house for six months it is finally a week away from closing and just yesterday my sister calls me to tell me that in the little i.e. 1,500 people town I am moving to there are three registered sex offenders and one lives on the road we are buying a house on. I wasn't terribly shocked as it's a very long road and the numbering 64 numbers between the two houses so I thought I knew where it was a longgg way away. We just came from the property and it's not a long way away but only one house is between us and the offenders!!! Our lot is very private & wooded (2 acres), next door neighbor has property same size, & offenders is 53 acres that comes almost up to our property in a heavily wooded, dense brook area.

 

A little background on me may shed some light on the subject both my sister & I are childhood abuse survivors from the same person. We both struggle with issues stemming from the environment we grew up in. We both are some may say hyper vigilant about our children's safety. If the truth be told under all of the reasons why I choose to homeschool the most overriding one would probably be my children's safety. I am a Christian & definately feel it's His will that we homeschool, but it's also a latent fear of what is possible that drives me to push on through the bad patches. I know some would say I need to trust in God & I can't shelter them forever, but I struggle with why did He allow it in my life?? It would be the one thing that would be my greatest fear & no fear of the Lord would stop me from doing anything in my power to someone who would do that to my child.

 

I know God has allowed me to find this out now for a reason, but I'm really too shocked to think about it now. I don't know if I will ever feel safe leaving me children home without me now. Ds is going to be 13 soon & dd is 10.5 (ironically the same age as when it happened to me). I thought I was handling her maturing pretty well & all the rememberances from my past now this. If you are wondering-No, I have never had actual counseling about my past. I feel I've dealt with it & don't want to revisit that period of my life & all the dysfunction that was it.

 

I am going to order the complete Criminal History, but won't be hear until after we are to close. He is 44 years old registered in 2005 & was convicted of a Classs B Felony of Illegal Sexual Contact with a Minor.

 

What would you do what can I do to safeguard my dc? My dh thinks it's far off enough we won't happen to have contact a .25 mile down the road, we are going to activate security system, install more motion lights anyway, he has a pistol permit & firearms, and thinks I'm not trusting in God about our dc safety.

 

I'm a realist & have seen only too well the sick side of some men. In my sisters search she also turned up another "nice boy" I went to school with who was registered. This is the second one I knew & they were the nice alter boy, clean cut, bring home types. I know abuse is rampant I believe 1 in 4 - I refuse to let my children be statistics.

 

Should I move in knowing what is a quarter mile down the road, be thankful I know, have the predator talk I ned to have, stop living in my I can keep them safe utopian world, & maybe I really am not trusting in God.

 

OR Adamantly tell my dh there is no way I could ever feel safe there & try to convince him I'm right.

 

I only have a week or less to sort this out.

 

Thank you for reading this, if you are inclined please pray for clarity, & be kind if you don't believe in firearms. I don't want to start a debate, just really need advice, help processing all this.

 

Well, I'm not against firearms at all, I just think that detail means very little if we're talking about a possible molestation. You've got to try and think clearly about this, and I know that's going to be difficult, but *you can do it*.

 

I'm not very clear about the classes of sex crimes, but one thing I'd want to know was if there was any force involved. If not, I would certainly go through with purchasing the house. You will just have to have frank discussions with your dc--I'm sure you already have (right?). Your dc are of an age to clearly understand the danger and stay far away.

 

If you find out that there was force involved, there's no WAY I'd move close by.

 

Can you delay the closing on the house until you can find out more?

 

I understand where you're coming from, I think. I've always been troubled by the fact that I was molested (though not hurt) as a child by a neighbor, and never said a word to my parents. I still wonder if he's escalated and is out there somewhere hurting someone...

 

At some point, you've got to trust God to take care of your dc, whatever path that may take. None of us get through life without hardships, though because of your past experiences you're more scared of molestation than, say, disease, etc.

 

I'm sorry, but it does sound like you might have a bit more work to do in dealing with your own past. It sounds like your fears may be affecting you in a more negative way than you think (just my opinion, of course!)

 

These are just my rambling thoughts...you can take them for whatever it's worth...

[Kissy]

I think from what you say you are not ok with this..I think you should go with your gut..I will pray for your clarity and your peace of mind in whatever you choose...For what it is worth I looked for a house for 2 years with my dh and we found 2-3 that we really liked and turned down due to offenders. I understand what you are going through and how hard it is to find a good home. If you feel you shouldn't go there then don't and God will send you a better home for your needs. Hugs.

[RenayofRohan]

I am so sorry all of this is happening, and what you and your sister endured as children. I'm writing to tell you that I will pray for you this very moment, that the Lord gives you wisdom, and that you and your husband can be in agreement in this situation. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

I are childhood abuse survivors from the same person. We both struggle with issues stemming from the environment we grew up in.

 

Since you've never gotten professional support or help in getting past/through your own abuse, I'm going to suggest a book that will spell out the real risks to your kids and practical advice on protectioning them:

 

Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker

 

Knowing about a predator offers almost a false sense of safety; you feel you can avoid the problem by avoiding them. As you know, however, the real risks are people that are already in our family, in our inner circle, in positions of Leadership, Coaching, etc. Statistically, children are in much greater danger with people at your Thanksgiving table than an unknown from the street.

 

I'm a survivor as well. I encourage you to protect your children in ways offered by professionals in the industry and not guided by your (understandable) fear.

[Kathleen in VA]

I totally understand how you feel. I moved into this house 18 years ago. After we had been here for about 8 years, a registered offender moved into the house right. next. door. I did not know it right away - I'm not the suspicious type. My neighbor on the other side of me called to tell me. Well, I was pretty shocked and scared, but we could not afford to move so I had no other choice but to trust that God would protect my children. The RSO moved about 3 years later and we got some very nice neighbors after that.

 

The thing is when we bought the house no offender lived there. One moved and then he moved back out. That could happen no matter where you live.

 

Given your background, I can totally understand wanting to get out of that contract though. Is there some kind of law about sellers revealing that kind of info or is it the buyer's responsibility to check that kind of thing out? I will be praying in any case.

[Karen sn]

 

Even worse - not knowing!

Think about the many who are out there and have not been outed.

[Obi-Mom Kenobi]

First, know that I've been there too so I completely understand your fear, but I agree with the post that said you cannot rely on any state or federal lists to keep your kids safe. There are several registered offenders within a mile of me (I live in a mid-sized urban area) but I assume that there are many more unreported sickos that we all encounter every day as we go about our daily lives. I think that if you love the house and the neighborhood and the town, buy it and live your life. Peace to you, your family and your memories. :grouphug:

[Jumping In Puddles]

What a tough position for you to be in! :grouphug:

 

You know what? I think you should listen to your instinct. If you have a bad feeling about this then don't just ignore it. Maybe get more facts or go over and actually meet this guy with your dh (make up some excuse) and see what you think.

 

My husband is reading a book for school called The Gift of Fear and basically trusting your instinct is one of the primary things you can do to keep yourself and your family safe.

[nakitty]

With all due respect.....and PLEASE take this in the spirit as it is intended....you may have thought you had dealt with this already....but, very clearly, you have not. While I am sure there are some out there that can deal with abuse without outside assistance... I think that most people really benefit from an outside source. I know that this is a very very hard thing to see when you are living in the middle of it....but, if you don't get help...your 'paranoia' (for lack of a better word) WILL start to effect your children.... if it hasn't already. And I know that you don't want to make your children a victim of the abuse you suffered.... there has already been enough pain there. :grouphug:

 

AS for the housing situation....I'm a believer in the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know....KWIM? Not to mention...that this could also be all for not. I don't know if you are aware of this or not.... but all sorts of crimes can cause a person to be labeled "sex offender"... including statutory rape...which is often wrong....but not something *I* would consider on par with other sex crimes. Good luck....my thoughts are with you.:grouphug:

[JoyfulMama]

Your children are old enough for you to tell them when you don't approve of them spending time with someone. You don't have to go into details, and create hate in your home for this person, even though it may be in your heart. But you can certainly find a way to share with your children that moving to a new home/area/town means you need to be aware that everyone is a stranger. What a great opportunity for you to be able to teach them about some very important life lessons - specifically about safety, security, trust, secrets, as well as about honoring themselves and their bodies.

My DH and I do check the listings as well. But I use it only as one piece of information - for there are so many ways people can hurt others. The lists are meant to help us identify who to be wary of, not as a way to alienate those indivuals from society. (But truly we should be wary of all, correct?)

Do you need to tell your children about your past? That would be completely up to you - although I would say that there may be benefit of using a counselor to prepare having such discussions with your children, if that would be your decision.

If you do move in, and find yourself having a change in sleep/eat patterns, increase in level of stress/anxiety/depression, I would suggest possibly seeing a counselor in order to deal with the *current* fears/concerns.

((HUG))

[Cindyg]

Is there any way to find out the nature of the offense? It might matter. "Sex offender" can be a huge umbrella.

 

Also, is he a renter or an owner?

 

I'm not saying I would necessarily buy the house; but our adult neighbors have no unsupervised access to our child. You said you would not ever be able to leave them in the house alone. I think it's VERY unlikely that your neighbor would break into your house while you were away to get access to your kids. I think, in general, kids are in more danger from the close family friend or relative who is a pervert and you have no way of knowing it (until it's too late).

 

Sorry about your dilemma.

[Dawn E]

Dh suggests that you go to google news and search under the sex offender's name, going back to the year 2005. He said that should give you more info. on the specifics of the crime.

[SonshineLearner]

What kind of offense? <Maybe it was stat... r*pe? If so, I actually have a friend who's husband has that conviction, and it just isn't the same as some of the others. Besides that big protective dogs! :-)

 

Carrie:-)

[wide eyes & laughter]

We had the same exact thing happen to us about 3 years ago. We found a perfect house, perfect neighborhood, perfect price, etc. About two weeks before closing, something (the Holy Spirit!) led me to look online at the sex offenders registry. There was a sex offender 5 houses down. I was so upset!! We were not going to buy that house. Luckily, my dh was with me on that! The inspection showed quite a bit that needed to be done, so we were able to get out of the contract. I would not buy a house knowing there was a sex offender anywhere around! Talk to your realtor and see if they can find a loophole and get you out of the contract. I will pray for you. You are right, God meant for you to know![/quot

 

 

Perfect house + Dh and I (w/ds & preg w/dd) were living separately due to him staying w/friends while he job searched - so for us to have to give up this house was VERY difficult. We've never looked back, though.

 

Here's what happended for us: Two nights in a row, the Holy Spirit woke me up and impressed upon my mind to call the Police Dept, specifically the Sex Offender Department. After that second day, I reluctantly made that call.... which changed our course. Our house inspector did find a loophole and we did not purchase that house.

 

I so encourage you to pray and consider this house. I didn't say reconsider, necessarily. But be open to redirection. The only way I know to be open is to pray and ask God to help steer your mind. Disappointment will pass but regrets can last a lifetime; it's good you are taking this information seriously.

 

Said a prayer for you!

Cheryl

[newbie]

I am praying for you. I always check reports and environmental reports before I move.

 

Even if a house is perfect and there is one close, I cant do it. If you can get out, I would.

 

But you need to follow your heart.

 

Jet

[vineyard]

Yes, he or his family owns the property -54 acres one of those it's been in the family for generations places. They have an old pre 1776 home with horses & such. Doesn't look like much chance of them moving, unless they sell to developers which isn't likely in the near future.

 

He was convicted at 40 years of age, he's 44 now so even if the Illegal Contact with a Minor was just under 16 as some have suggested it's still on my radar. A 40 grown man with a 15 yo girl is still something to give pause to. I have sent for complete record going out in tomorrows mail, but that doesn't help now or probably won't come before next week before closing.

 

What drew us to the property now is what is giving me pause which I wouldn't have given me a second thought before I learned this - is how isolated it is. Steep downward drive to somewhat visible house surrounded by woods on all sides. An acre with deep woods that I had envisioned letting my dc explore without much worry other than ticks, skunks, & wildlife is now what abutts this SO property. Ds 13 is wary & isn't easily led. Dd on the other hand is very naive & more of my concern as I assume his victim was female if not I would feel otherwise about ds.

 

I don't feel I'm being paranoid as was suggested, as a matter of fact where we live now I can look out my bedroom window & see a house where there's a convicted SO living right now much closer than potential new home. He didn't live there when we moved in & honestly it doesn't really even phase me now. The difference is the location right now the homes are very close together & we have neighbors who would notice if someone was hanging around or trying to talk to my dc when I wasn't visible & would say something to them & us. My ds 12.5 is the only one I leave home alone & that just started this year only when I run to the store aound the corner or a quick errand in town.

 

New location is in a small town, isolated barely visible neighbors through trees & no town police-State only. Totally different surroundings & that wooded acre I though I would let my dc roam through is now not what it could have been. It directly abutts SO property & I would not feel comfortable letting them tromp through the woods now without a parent potentionally onto his property without knowing where in woods is the boundary. I kinda feel it's like dangling raw meat in front of a lion or alcohol in an alcoholic's face. Why would I knowingly do that? I do not believe most ped...files if any can have sustained non contact for the long haul. There are always multiple victims it's not isolated & given the chance & circumstances they more likely than not take the chance.

 

Yes, I had a visceral reaction due to my past & yes, it did bring up anxiety some might say I need to talk to someone about, but being shocked your backyard isn't going to be as safe as you thought it could be is a little unnerving. I thought we had found our dream location only to find out that neighbor that we might meet isn't going to so neighborly without ulterior motives about dc-Yeah kinda' rattles me. I mean if you can't let your dc roam your own backyard without potentially coming in contact with a SO-where can you feel free?

 

Yes, I well know SO usually know their victims intimately, also the SO that aren't convicted are still out there, but I really thought our backyard could be a free zone, so to speak.

 

Yes, I'm way overdue on not all people can be trusted talk w/dd& I guess naive myself thinking that I could spare my dc the realities of all the ugliness. Just really didn't want to tell the naive 10.5 girl that still loves stuffed animals that the world really isn't as warm & fuzzy her trusting self thinks it is. Also it's a conversation that's hard for me to have without crying & I'm not one to cry at the drop of a hat. I'm a very in control & it takes alot to make me cry. So I know dd would lose it if she saw me crying as she's so tenderhearted.

 

I wanted her to have something I didn't which was a childhood where you could trust people & take them at face value and I would worry about the ugly until she was old enough to comprehend what's really in the world. I know that's a rose colored belief, but was hoping for her to mature before having to burst her bubble & tell her people could potentially want to hurt her I'm afraid would scare her. She's really impressionable & I don't want to have to tell her my past as I know it would really, really bother her to know I had been hurt. I don't know if I could talk about boundaries without betraying my feeling, so therein lies the problem.

 

Thank you for all who responded. I will have the conversation I have put off for years with dd & dh will speak with ds. I've got alot to pray about.

 

Thank you again for a place of feedback.

[Colleen]

With all due respect.....and PLEASE take this in the spirit as it is intended....you may have thought you had dealt with this already....but, very clearly, you have not. While I am sure there are some out there that can deal with abuse without outside assistance... I think that most people really benefit from an outside source. I know that this is a very very hard thing to see when you are living in the middle of it....but, if you don't get help...your 'paranoia' (for lack of a better word) WILL start to effect your children.... if it hasn't already. And I know that you don't want to make your children a victim of the abuse you suffered.... there has already been enough pain there. :grouphug:

 

AS for the housing situation....I'm a believer in the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know....KWIM? Not to mention...that this could also be all for not. I don't know if you are aware of this or not.... but all sorts of crimes can cause a person to be labeled "sex offender"... including statutory rape...which is often wrong....but not something *I* would consider on par with other sex crimes. Good luck....my thoughts are with you.:grouphug:

 

I agree with all that was offered here, as well as Julie in CA's advice below.

[MerryAtHope]

Even worse - not knowing!

Think about the many who are out there and have not been outed.

 

Yes. We had one on our street for awhile, then he moved. But it made me realize, are most SO's even in the system? How many are there that aren't? I need to parent with that in mind. Not paranoid & suspecting everyone--I don't mean that--but just knowing that I need to have my eyes open & parent proactively.

 

(((Hugs))) Merry :-)

[Mom to Aly]

We live in an incredibly "safe" neighborhood, relatively no crime (this place has major power, and major policing), seriously, I've lived in this neighborhood 15 years, and my house 12, and never heard of a single crime within a mile of us the entire time. One of the biggest shocks I've ever had was when a friend emailed me a year and a half ago to tell me a RSO had moved in 3 blocks from us--burst my bubble pretty darn quick! I freaked, thought about selling my house, the whole bit! Then, I calmed down, looked at the official registry online, and realized there were 3 within a mile and a half of me.

 

I hated to do it, but I called my dd, 8 at the time, in, and I talked to her about it, showed her their pics, and we discussed what to do if we saw them. She goes nowhere without me, and we have two dogs, one VERY large, and we only go walking in our neighborhood with them, so I wasn't worried about that. Plus, she only plays outside if I am with her, and I bring the dogs out to play too, so, after thinking about it, I realized we were safe. But it is still a scary thought.

 

That man has since moved, but another has moved in. A few months ago, a man three houses down from us, someone we knew well enough to talk to on a daily basis, came up on our sex registry--from what I heard, something with his ex-girlfriend, but I don't really know. He moved 10 days later (thank goodness!), he'd already sold his house, but I couldn't wait for those 10 days to be gone, mostly because it was uncomfortable to see him.

 

Yes, anytime I see one of these men (it has only happened twice) it makes me nervous, but I don't really think I need to be. None of them had anything like forcible sex with a minor, which is something very different, and would have taken me down a very different avenue. And I agree completely, if that were the case with you, I'd feel very differently, but it sounds like that is not what this man did.

 

If you are as vigilent as I, you probably do watch your kids like a hawk. A big dog is great, and will be out with them a lot. But you don't want your life ruled by this. Then again, this could move into where you are living now, wherever you move to. Choosing a different house doesn't change that.

 

I know I'm not helping. I wish you the best, and peace of mind. Honestly, I wouldn't try something sneaky to get out of the contract, that would be like lying to me. Plus, I feel like you would be cheating the people you have the contract with, who entered into it in good faith, and they probably have a contract on another house. It was your responsibility to check this, you had time, and it doesn't sound as though this is someone who would be agressive towards your kids. I would be as careful as you would normally be, which should be terribly careful anyway, in this day and age.

[JenParrish]

I can not tell you what to do, only what I would "think" I would do. I would go nuts knowing that someone lived so close to me and have no peace of mind. I would find a way to back out of the purchase of the home, even if it meant loosing my deposit. I am not familiar with the ratings of sex offenders so I am "assuming" this one is bad. Keep in mind though, that a sex offender can move into ANY neighborhood after you purchase a home. I would opt for peace of mind and search for another house. There would be no need to add the stress of that to my dailiy family life if I could avoid it.

[Melinda]

I have not read all the responses, but the sex offenders who are registered and complying with the law are not as scary (to me) as the ones who are not, or who haven't been caught yet. There are people like this all over the place. I probably would buy the house anyway, but if you are uncomfortable with the situation, maybe look elsewhere.

[Remudamom]

How hard.

 

All I can say is that one foot on your property you take aim and solve the problem. And I really don't give a donkey's butt for how much ANR I'll get for this one.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I was shocked to find a sex offender living on my street. I do not live in fear, though. I let my child go out and play without surveillance teams in place.

 

For all I know the guy could have been 18 and slept with a 15 year old. But, taking no chances, I explained to my dd that a convicted sex offender lived in that house, and that she was not to go into that house or yard without me for any reason. If the man speaks to her, she is to speak politely back- while on the move- and come right away and tell me, even if he just said hi. I told her not to be afraid of him, because the chances of him doing anything bad to her or any of her friends are very small, and those chances get even smaller when we're careful and obey all the safety rules.

[Nestof3]

Honestly, I'd want to know more details. This could have happened when he was 18 with a 16 year old. I was 16 and dated a guy that was 19. I never even gave it a thought that I was a minor. There wouldn't have been anything to press charges about, but still. Something like this honestly would not concern me. I would also want to know the rest of his background. Here in Virginia, you can check criminal charges online for people.

[JFSinIL]

thinks I'm not trusting in God about our dc safety.

 

 

What? Then where was God when it happened to you as a kid? And to all the other kids out there? I think God has given you maternal instinct for a reason - to use it to protect your kids! I'd add in a strong fence and a large, loud dog.

[swellmomma]

I would want to know more information, for example, was the minor a 17 year old jsut months away from her b-day, and consentual but because of ages was statuaory rape with a sex crimes label. Or was it something worse such as forced, or with a weapon, kidnapping etc. If the first I would likely still buy the house, if the second no way.

 

While you may not know if your neighbor is a threat to children just not caught yet, doesn't mean I wouldn't keep my kids away from a known danger as much as possible.

[Raini]

I agree with swellmomma.

 

I also wouldn't worry (too much...) if he molested someone he knew- family, friends, etc. In my mind those situations are everywhere, and you can work with your kids to avoid relationship with him. Although the remote area would give me pause registered SO or not. Sad, but true.

 

Is there any way to delay closing until you have more info or feel more peace about the situation?

 

Here's a recommendation to help in the discussions you want to have with your kids...

 

KidPower is an organization that teaches personal safety. They have classes, online articles, and books to help learn/teach personal safety-including boundaries and self-defense. They have a book, The KIDPOWER Book for Caring Adults: How to Teach Self-Protection and Confidence Skills to Young People, as well as an ebook that seems to summarize the book's info. You can check them out at kidpower.org. I believe they are recommended by Gavin de Becker, author of Protecting the Gift.

 

If you are anywhere near a KP center, their classes are fabulous. They are in no way frightening. Kids get practice with all sorts of safety skills. The classes and other resources have helped me to be more at peace. I don't know how I would have raised my kids with anything but fear without them.

 

Blessings as you make this decision~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

, but true.

 

KidPower.org sells a

[Murphy101]

Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker

 

I second this book! It's absolutely, the. best. ever.

 

Aside form that....

 

folks, a LOT is being presumed abut this dear mom. The best profrssional help int he world is not going to ever give her back the innocent igorance that some of us have the luxery of indulging in. I think she's dealt with her past very well as far as one can tell on a msg brd. Frankly, this kind of think makes ALL mother's sick to their stomachs, imho, so I can only imagine what it does to someone who's btdt.

 

As for what the OP can/should do:

 

Keep in mind, this can happen anywhere. It's just as likely that you'll buy a home and 2 months later have some worse reg. sex offender move in or live next door to some supposedly sweet old man and the FBI comes to the door.

 

Look up this guy. Knowledge is power. And as other's noted it might give you peace of mind or it might not, but at least you'll know to some minor extent what you are living next to.

 

Follow your gut. If you genuinely feel you can't live there, find a loophole. Maybe it IS irrational. Then again maybe your instincts are faster than your brain. Either way, who wants to live in a house they never feel comfortable in?

 

If you get the info and talk to your dh and both agree that you want to go ahead with the sale, there's steps you can take to make your home and your children safer without feeling like you are living in fear.

:grouphug:

[LaMere Academy]

No way would I buy that house. You could never feel safe about your children playing outside or being home without you. (I don't know their ages)

[Diane]

We had lived here for 8 years and we, too, had a sex offender move in next door. (renter) We kept that part of the blinds closed for 10 months. We could see into his kitchen from my family room. He was still on probation and was being monitored. I was TERRIFIED and angry.

 

About 10 months later, the police were here on a domestic violence call...and he and his wife moved out, separately.

 

All this to say, does that offender own or rent that home? Also, you may move into a home/neighborhood that you don't like as much, and you may end up with another offender.

 

I totally understand how you feel, as my backround has similarities with yours. I am over protective and not ashamed of it.

 

I pray for clarity in this situation.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I agree with Melinda. I am much more afraid of the fact that there may be offenders on my street that no one knows about yet. At least with the registered offenders, you won't have a false sense of security and can take steps to make your children aware that they cannot have anything to do with them.

 

However, I am much more afraid of the ones we don't know about. I know that we need to keep our kids safe and the best way to do that is by information and open communication. Sex offenders don't always look scary, they can be the clean cut, helpful neighbor. In fact, the successful ones are the ones who don't look scary.

[Paula in MS]

You could walk away from this house and find another one, but there is nothing to stop the same kind of person from moving in next door. It would creep me out, but you can't move everytime this happens. You need to examine whether or not you could let your kids go outside and play by themselves. If not, don't buy the house. Not with your past history.

 

Paula

[Mary in NJ]

This is difficult. We move a lot, so I'm always trying to stay ahead of the game with checking out neighborhoods before we sign a rental contract. However, this time I checked and everything appeared ok.

 

Once we moved in, I began getting the sex offender's state list update in my email. They are everywhere, and I get an update about once a week of another one that has moved into the area (including women).

 

I wish I could look give you advice about the house. We just need to be ever vigilent with the safety of our children.

 

Wishing you well,

Mary

[mamakven]

i agree with what the one person said about unregistered offenders... the "man" who assaulted me is not convicted and due to stautes of limitation can't be by me. He is SERIOUSLY dangerous too.. you just NEVER know. not that that makes it any easier i'm sure but you just can't be totally safe in this world.. i would also agree that getting therapy might be a good thing for you... i know it feels like you are ok and you don't want to revisit it, but your body has a memory that you mind can't erase. While i don't have much memory of childhood at all, i did find myself at a point about 13 years ago where i started to have serious flashbacks and had to have intensive therapy. I have pretty severe PTSD but still, i'm guessing that's a common experience with survivors. I've come to the conclusion that you can't ignore it, you have to go through it, and battle your way through the pain to get out intact on the other side. Does that make ANY sense? anyway, big hugs to you! :grouphug:

[Robin Hood]

There is one living down the street from us. I didn't let the kids go out much once I found out. They don't even know it yet, but I never let them go out alone. They have to go everywhere together. The neighborhood watches because someone on the next street was our informant and lots of cops live in our small tract and keep watch also. I've relaxed, but it's always on my mind when they go out. I make them take my phone when they take off to a friends in another section. They have to call when they get and when they leave to come home. My dh has been known to track them down if they don't call in a certain amount of time. They have forgotten before and he showed up. They haven't forgotten since.

[melmac]

I understand where you're coming from, BTDT. At least you know about this guy, you could choose to move somewhere else instead but you might just as easily end up moving next door to an unconvicted/unregistered perv and not have a clue. It's a hard decision and I wish you the best.

[scrappymom]

Wow what a pickle! I have no idea what i would do in the situation! Just make sure that you go with your gut! That's the best you can do!

[keroro]

Unfortunately there doesn't appear to be any shortage of sex offenders. Even if you don't buy this house it's an issue that very easily could come up again. However, as much as this particular situation is bothering you it may be best to purchase a home elsewhere.

[dalynnrmc]

The Lord has not created a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.

 

Find out exactly what crime he committed. As has been mentioned (though admittedly I did not read all responses), "sex offender" covers such a wide range that you might be freaking (and you are) for no reason. Maybe he'd just turned 18 and had a 16yo girlfriend whose parents found out and reported the relationship.

 

Once you know the real crime, you can better make a decision as to what to do (or not do). Remember, there is the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit... and then there is the voice of fear. Let the Lord put you in a position of POWER over that fear, and do what His perfect will would be for you to do. Get into the Word and into prayer, and STAY there.

 

m2c

[RoughCollie]

If living next to an SO bothered me a lot, I wouldn't do it. Your peace of mind will have a lot to do with your quality of life in that house.

 

Your potential neighbor was convicted at age 40 of illegal s*xual contact with a minor -- that doesn't sound like statutory rape to me. Personally, I would not move into that house. It doesn't matter that many SOs are family members or that there are a lot of people who are SOs who aren't on the registry -- what matters is that you know this neighbor is an SO and you will not rest easy living next to him.

 

RC

[Ottakee]

I can't really help you decide on this one. We have adopted children that have been abused and do have offenders just down the road---kids and offenders came after the house was bought.

 

I would suggest though that if you do buy the house, have dh go and have a polite talk with the neighbor, letting him know that you do know of his history and that dh is very protective of his children.

[jplain]

The situation you've described (isolated property, 40yo offender) would make me nervous too. I'd delay the closing to give ourselves time to learn more.

 

Can you contact the local PD? If you explain why the information is time-sensitive and can prove that you've already requested the information through official channels, perhaps they'd be willing to provide it unofficially.

 

If a delay wasn't possible, I'd have to consider whether it would be worth walking away and losing our deposit.

 

Good luck!

[Mad Jenny Flint]

Sex offenders and other undesirable people are all around. You have to teach your children how to stand up for themselves (when they get a little older, that is) and you have to be vigilant as a mom, well, always. Even then, sometimes, bad things can happen. Don't be misled.

[jplain]

Have you talked to the neighbors? They might be able to provide details.

[vineyard]

Well I spent the better part of yesterday speaking to our Attorney, the SO Registry, & his Parole Officer. I truly thank the kind lady at the registry who's a Mom who gave me his P.O. contact information.

 

Some more positive information, but not much he doesn't own the property, but his living with a male friend who does. So he may move at some point I can hope.

 

This was his first conviction for this type of crime, it was most definately with a minor, minor child not a young teen consentual girlfriend thing. He has alot of conditions of his parole. No contact of any kind with anyone under 16. This can be good in a way if I see him casing our home or "walking" his dog in front of our home I will call his P.O. It also rattles me that his offenses are such they feel he doesn't have the inhabitions even with jail time looming to not reoffend. But I can't go there to speculate or I will just make myself sick.

 

It did not involve weapons, break-in or, abduction. The P.O. couldn't give more particulars I will be getting the Police Report & Criminal History through the mail, can't do it another way.

 

He has been compliant with his conditions of parole since out & this is his original P.O.

 

I spent a good part of the day crying it out with my sister on the phone who's a social worker & who has had alot of therapy about our past. I think my reaction was definately intensified due to it being the first 24 hours of my cycle & that's really the only time of the month I really become more emotional than my regular demeanor. Not at all to say the threat isn't very real, but I usually don't back down so easily or fall apart.

 

What will we be doing? My husband still wants to go through with it. I'm torn between feeling & seeing a real danger, that I'm caving in & letting fears of what happened to me cloud my childrens future, & that yes we really love this house and location before this knowledge was made known to us.

 

I know I could definately benefit from theraphy to get through my past and not be as fearfull for my children as I am. This would be allowing the person that did it to me to take even more from me. I'm not normally one who backs down & sticks their head in the sand, so I know it's time to confront it all and I will be seeking a counselor to process it all.

 

Yes, it is very true we could get out of this deal and find something else or move somewhere & a SO moves it after as has happened to so many of you. I am going to have to confront this fear head on and deal with it once & for all.

 

We will be talking to the neighbor between the both of us. I will be very frank with them & let them know if they don't already. I don't see any signs that they have children, but that doesn't cover the other properties that abutt the 54 acres. I will find out it is legal to distribute the printout from the Registry to those other homes to alert them in case they have children & lookout for one another. It's not a suburban neighborhood type area, but more aware people can't hurt to look out for all the children around.

 

We will activate the alarm system, install more motion lighting, we have a small dog, don't know if she would be much of an alarm with barking as it will be so new to her she will probably bark at all the wildlife. My husband has a gun license & has firearms, I'm considering getting my license. I really have to pray about that as I'm torn. Would I really be able to use it if the need arose or would it be turned on me? I do feel with them in the house I should be more comfortable with handling them as my husband definately will not give them up & feels very strongly about rights to bear arms. No flames, please.

 

So I feel some peace with leaving it as if it's Gods will as I did feel from the onset to buy this property which we have had to go though many hurdles since we offered on it in March. The title issues will be cleared up & we will close on Tuesday. If they can't be we may not be able to because it will go to foreclosure and it wasn't to be. I also know it's long over due for me to confront my past although I am really loathe to do it, but I won't have a choice in this scenario.

 

Thank you for all the advice given, it was helpful, even though at first consideration some cut a little deep & hurt a bit.

[newbie]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It just doesnt seem there is anywhere safe anymore.

 

But taking the precautions will make you feel better. Teaching them stranger danger, or perhaps self defense classes. Putting baby monitor in room, and when you restart alarm, have them place cameras outside. Also, ask for lots of signs from alarm co.

 

They also have watches that track the kids when they go out.

 

Just some extra ideas,

 

Jet