I need to let this out, so I guess you all can play my therapist today :(

[Home'scool]

This may be a little rambly, but I just think I will feel better if I write it down and send it out. Thanks in advance for reading .... it is going to be a real pity party for me, just warning you in advance.

 

I was poking around on the internet and saw a reference to a book called "A Very Young Rider". It was a true story of a girl who rode and showed horses. She was about 10. The book had a lot of pictures of her with her horse, taking care of it, going to shows, etc. It came out about 1977.

 

When I was 10 I had this book. I was absolutely crazy about horses. I would literally spend hours looking at the pictures in this book. This little girl had the EXACT life that I wanted.

 

I remember looking at that book and feeling a physical pain because my childhood was so dysfunctional and I had been so abandoned by my parents. My mother was (is) an alcoholic, my father had huge anger issues. My house was full of shame, arguments, fear, and contempt. I was lucky if there was food in the house, never mind hoping that someone would take me to riding lessons or that I could ever hope to have a dressage outfit.

 

At the end of the story the girl has to give up her pony because she has gotten to big for it. But that Christmas when she wakes up she is given presents that lead her to the barn where there is a brand new horse for her. In a follow up I found online the girl, now grown, said that story was actually true. She did get a new pony on Christmas. I couldn't believe that people actually lived like that! When I was 10 for Christmas I got a used board game and a coat that was about 4 sized to big and was highway-cone orange. My mother was too drunk to wrap them so she put them in a garbage bad and put it under the tree. I was so ashamed to wear the coat but I had to. (See? I told you it would be a pity party.)

 

It just hit me like a gut-punch out of the blue running across this book after so many years. It just brought back so many memories, so many bad feelings. Now I am going to feel wonky and out-of-sorts all day. Blah.

 

Cheers to the burden of having had a really lousy childhood. I know a lot of people can relate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Snickerdoodle]

Sometimes you need to give the memory of yourself as a child a little hug.

 

<<<<hugs>>>>

[mom2myboys]

((hugs))

[Home'scool]

Sometimes you need to give the memory of yourself as a child a little hug.

 

<<<<hugs>>>>

 

Wow, thank you - that made me tear up. I never thought of that. I am going to find that little girl reading the book in her closet right now and give her a well deserved hug. :)

[sassenach]

Wow, thank you - that made me tear up. I never thought of that. I am going to find that little girl reading the book in her closet right now and give her a well deserved hug. :)

While you're at it, tell her that she deserved better and it wasn't her fault.  (((HUGS)))

[PrincessMommy]

Sometimes you need to give the memory of yourself as a child a little hug.

 

<<<<hugs>>>>

 

I agree.  sometimes we need to acknowledge the bad happened.  When my mom died a lot of sad memories came flooding back.  I didn't ask for them and really wished they'd just stayed in the past and not dredged up.  I think I understand how you're feeling.   

 

Just remember you learned a lot of how not to parents from your parents and use that to be a good mother.  :grouphug:

[MIch elle]

We had a pink Christmas tree when I was growing up that my parents took in from someone who put it on the curb for garbage.  :eek:  It was awful!  When I was a teenager with a job, I bought a REAL tree for our home. 

 

Yup, not the best childhood.  But I have a wonderful life as an adult!  I think you do too? :001_smile:

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

[creekland]

Can you do riding lessons now?  It's never too late to bond with a horse.  You may not want to show, but there's no reason you can't ride.

 

If you can't afford it, is there a therapeutic riding place around you that allows volunteers?  That could make a great homeschooling activity.

 

Just some thoughts... and :grouphug:

[abba12]

DH is experiencing this frequently as we talk about our children, how to raise them and our plans for the future. Hugs. I know its hard.

[VeteranMom]

I get it.  I've recently been dealing with a lot of old stuff, too.  My dad was the alcoholic in our household. 

ETA- I've been reading a lot of self help books lately and have sought help through counseling.  I'd love to be one of those people who can just "get over it" in regards to a lousy childhood, but that childhood has a huge impact on how I relate to my world and formed some unhealthy habits. 

[PrairieSong]

{{{{hugs}}} to you and to the little girl in the closet, reading the book and dreaming about riding horses. I didn't have a childhood anything like yours, but I've known plenty of people who did. One of my bravest friends has broken the cycle and has been a wonderful mom. It sounds like you have broken the cycle, too.

 

I love creekland's idea of getting involved with horses in some way now. That may be healing for you.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Hen]

I'm so sorry, {hugs}.

 

my mom did get me horse riding lessons, they lasted 4 months, until she won the custody battle and then she yanked them. (so, sometimes even getting your wish is painful in unexpected ways).

 

my past is painful, too - though not as painful as yours, I think.  (super cyber hugs to you)

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[Tmhearn]

Yes, unfortunately, I can relate. My dh can, as well. I have found that in some ways it is easier to move on by giving my kids a better childhood. But in some ways it's hard, because they are so darn clueless about how good they have it. :-)

 

But, this is your pity party. Thanks for inviting me. I would like to give that little girl a hug and tell her that life will be better when she gets older. Hang in there.

[applethyme]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Home'scool]

I do like to think that I am a better parent by learning what NOT to do. I have always strived for a solid family life for my kids with lots of love and stability.

 

Thank you all for the kind words. It has made me feel better just to get it out, you know?

 

You guys are really sweet. :crying:

 

[Garga]

My home life was good. My school life was truly horrible. No way does my horrible school life compare with your horrible home life. I used to comfort myself with the fact that "at least my family loves me."

But I can tell you this: the pain of my childhood would sometimes set me back and leave me in tears until my mid-thirties. Long story short, I went to some sort of counseling and was told I needed to forgive the people who had hurt me. She had me follow a script, "When so and so did such and such I felt this. I forgive him/her." I went home and filled in all the so and so, such and such, and I felt this spots and went back to her to read it out loud and do the forgiving. My list was the front and back of a legal sized piece of paper.

But as soon as it was done, I was free. I can think of those painful memories and recognize that they were bad, they really were, but the pain is just....gone.

I'm not here to presume I know what you're really feeling or what might help you feel better, but I just thought I'd share. That moment of forgiveness was one of the most powerful moments in my life.

[Laurie4b]

This was not a pity party. This is genuine grief over the childhood that you had and the one that you did not. It's appropriate and healing to grieve. You deserved to be loved and cherished. And you weren't. And that is truly very sad. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[Saraswati]

:grouphug:

 

Maybe you can find someone that does equine therapy in your area. They have great programs that help people with emotional growth and confidence building. I'm not sure, but some may do work specific to adult children of alcoholics. 

[Chris in VA]

So many hugs to you and to that little one inside of you.

 

Just throwing this out there--have you heard of Traumatic Incident Reduction? It's not really a therapy, per se, but therapists use it. Even if you wouldn't classify happenings as traumatic in the way you might think of it for someone else, it can be very helpful to do the technique, and process "stuff."

 

BTW, I know that book, very well. The author also wrote another about a Very Young Dancer, if I'm not mistaken. It's a beautiful book--no wonder it appealed to you so much. <3

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[CupOCoffee]

Sometimes you need to give the memory of yourself as a child a little hug.

 

<<<<hugs>>>>

 

OMG...this statement is amazing!  I am so stealing this...there's a lot of days I need this!

 

~coffee~

[LucyStoner]

I remember that series. There was a dancer, model, actress, musician etc. I think I was most taken with the one about the trumpet player. But I read them all and remember the rider on very well.

 

I am right there with you on the crappy childhood thing. I think that adult children of dysfunctional and impoverished families can spend so much time looking forwards/working to make things better that when the pain of what we come from bubbles up it can come as a surprize and with the force to knock you flat. We are used to looking forwards, working, hoping, dreaming and while that helps cope with the pain, it doesn't necesarily help resolve it. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. It's not dwelling on the past or whining to remember that it both sucked and hurt.

[ChristineP]

Isn't it wonderful that you are able to give your kids a different childhood?  Hugs to you...

[MercyA]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[trulycrabby]

:grouphug:

 

Definitely not a pity party,this is real grief that needs to be acknowledged and processed. :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Scars from childhood, whatever the form, can last a lifetime.  I agree, this isn't a pity party.  It is you acknowledging as an adult the loss of the childhood you should have had and the grief and sorrow over the childhood you did have.  And if posting about it on this board helps you in anyway, then I think many here will support you.  Don't apologize.  Memories like that can slam into you sideways, when you least expect it.  Big hugs and best wishes in your journey forward.  

[Wildcat]

:grouphug:

 

Definitely not a pity party,this is real grief that needs to be acknowledged and processed. :grouphug:

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Scars from childhood, whatever the form, can last a lifetime.  I agree, this isn't a pity party.  It is you acknowledging as an adult the loss of the childhood you should have had and the grief and sorrow over the childhood you did have.  And if posting about it on this board helps you in anyway, then I think many here will support you.  Don't apologize.  Memories like that can slam into you sideways, when you least expect it.  Big hugs and best wishes in your journey forward.  

 

Agreeing with both of these.

 

Hugs to you, OP, and hugs to the memory of your younger self.  :grouphug:

 

[Anne in CA]

I love the idea of spending some time with horses now. Horses can be an expensive hobby, but many stables let you work off part of the expense. Lots of the things people said are wise. Giving yourself hugs, acknowledging pain, getting therapy, giving your kids a good childhood to make up for your bad one are all healing things to do. But I would indulge the little girl who wanted riding lessons if I could.

 

My parents thought art was a waste of time. They told me I had no talent and would never even invest in good markers or paper for me. I learned how to quilt and paint as an adult. It is the thing I give myself that my parents would not do for me, and it is really empowering. Sometimes I get jealous when I see an art blog of amazing art and the blog author talks about how she was encouraged by her parents and I know I could have done a lot more if I had had encouragement and practice as a child, but I am doing what I can now. The future always belong to you. 

[Truscifi]

:grouphug:

[PollyOR]

The future always belong to you. 

 

:)