Adoption: Would you want to know? and Help be keep my nose out of this

[kbpaulie]

If you are commenting to this, can you please specificy if you've been adopted.  Sorry to all others, but your opinion as an adoptee counts more in this case.  :)  Thanks.

 

My MIL passed away 11 year ago just before the birth of our first son.  She has 4 children she raised.  Her 5th and oldest, was conceived by date rape.  Well, about 45+ years ago you were sent away for several months to then deliver, then your child was given up for adoption.  In fact until about 15 years ago some of MIL family didn't even know why she was sent away.

 

So, if you were adopted and you were seeking your family, would you want to know that:

1) Your birth mother has since passed away (she had quite a few medical complications that I think should be shared w/ her oldest daughter)

2) You were conceived via rape and then given up for adoption  (is there anyway to avoid sharing this info?)

3) Or would you rather keep looking and not hear anything?

 

I think I may have found this daughter while quickly looking at a website.  Like the first website I've ever looked at.  Hard to belive but almost all the info matches.

 

Next.... my MIL never wanted to contact her oldest daughter.  Would you honor this forever or think this is a different generation that no longer has to follow her wishes?

 

What if the siblings aren't really interested?  (I think mostly b/c of what their mom said.)

 

Can you gently tell me why this isn't my business and instead by husband's and his sibling's?  ( I know, I just need to hear it.  I just keep thinking about how this woman never knew her birth mom and these 4 kids worshipped their mom.  She should be given the oppty to get to know the mom through pics and stories and the kids too.  At the very least be given medical info: Diabetes (90% of her 21 siblings (2 moms (oh, I see your wheels turning - 1 died in childbirth, not 2 simultaneous wives.  Wheel turning off.  :)  - 1 dad - catholic farm family) have diabetes), heart disease (50% of siblings haven't made it past age of 70), died young of ovarian cancer)

[AmyontheFarm]

If one of the actual siblings wants to reach out, then you can help them.  Otherwise, you can't do anything and it's unfortunate because that woman would want that medical history.

 

I have a family member who is looking for a son given up for the same reason.  She would love to find him now, but he isn't looking for her at this point.

 

 

[mommymilkies]

Hmmmmmm....

 

I met my dad when I was 24, for the first time. I didn't even know really who my dad was until then. I'm glad it went well. In the case you mentioned, honestly, I would not want to know.

[Annie G]

While the medical information might be helpful, I think it would be hard for an adopted child to hear that her 4 siblings had a great mother. 

 

Your mil had 21 siblings? Wow!   

 

 

[kbpaulie]

If one of the actual siblings wants to reach out, then you can help them.  Otherwise, you can't do anything and it's unfortunate because that woman would want that medical history.

 

I have a family member who is looking for a son given up for the same reason.  She would love to find him now, but he isn't looking for her at this point.

 

Can't or shouldn't?

 

Hmmmmmm....

 

I met my dad when I was 24, for the first time. I didn't even know really who my dad was until then. I'm glad it went well. In the case you mentioned, honestly, I would not want to know.

B/c of her passing or the date rape?  Like if it weren't the date rape but she's passed away would you want to know or not even then?

[SKL]

I would want to know, but I don't know that it's appropriate for you to tell this person.  Honestly, I am not sure.  If you do tell her, isn't it likely that she'll want some contact with her half siblings, and you will be in the middle?  If they have expressed that they do not want contact, what are you going to do when she asks?

 

If you could get even one sibling to be open to the idea, that would probably be the better way to go IMO.

[mommymilkies]

Can't or shouldn't?

 

 

B/c of her passing or the date rape?  Like if it weren't the date rape but she's passed away would you want to know or not even then?

The rape. Just IME with other people I know who never met one or more of their parents, some things cut too deep. To find out you not only weren't wanted, but missed out on a great mom...that would hurt but the sibling relationship would help heal. But to be seen as the product of rape...I honestly would rather not know. My best friend from school's mom was conceived by rape and it really messed her up, psychologically. So for me, no. I would rather just not know.

[SKL]

As an adoptive parent, I am in this kind of discussion (would she want to know, how could I tell her that) quite often.  Some of the folks weighing in are adoptees themselves.  They don't all have the same views, but I'd say the majority would want to know and take the blow and deal with it.  People say "it's her story."  It isn't right for someone else to own it and keep it from her.

 

But like I said, the bio family would be the people to decide, I think.  Maybe you could be the go-between, but "I know your brothers but they don't want anything to do with you" seems worse than doing nothing.

[Danestress]

I think it would be a triple blow. Your birth mom is dead, you are the product of rape, neither she nor any of your four siblings wanted to know you. But someone who married your disinterested sibling thought you had a right to know. It might be really hard to know those things.

 

I think you are considering doing potential damage to relationships in your life. I would not feel one of my inlaws is entitled to reveal information about my beloved, late mother against her expressed wishes. I might feel that the desires of the woman who had to ensure rape, pregnancy, birth and loss should be the desires I am supposed to be concerned with.

 

In truth, I am usually in favor of erring in the side of the rights of adoptees. But you aren't the one to be deciding anything. Share what you know with to DH and his siblings. If they decide to reach out, they will.

[kbpaulie]

I think it would be a triple blow. Your birth mom is dead, you are the product of rape, neither she not any of your four siblings wanted to know you. But someone who married your disinterested sibling thought you had a right to know. It might be really hard to know those things.

 

I think you are considering doing potential damage to relationships in your life. I would not feel one of my inlaws is entitled to reveal information about my beloved, late mother against her expressed wishes. I might feel that the desires of the woman who had to ensure rape, pregnancy, birth and loss should be the desires I am supposed to be concerned with.

 

In truth, I usually in favor of erring in the side of the rghts of adoptees. But you aren't the one to be deciding anything. Share what you know with to DH and his siblings. If they decide to reach out, they will.

Well said.  Thanks. 

 

I wouldn't reach out to this woman w/o her siblings.  A question of how much do I "encourage" them to reach out to her?

[Χά�ων]

Pming you

[DianeW88]

Well said.  Thanks. 

 

I wouldn't reach out to this woman w/o her siblings.  A question of how much do I "encourage" them to reach out to her?

 

You don't.  If they want to...they will.  To be honest, it's really none of your business, and it has the potential to significantly damage your relationship with your dh's family...permanently.  It's not your decision to make, and it sounds like your dh and his family have already made it.  Move on and forget about it.

[Laurie4b]

In terms of asking, "Would you want to know?" that will be different for each person. Some people would and some people wouldn't want to know.

 

Can you get the medical info to her through a 3rd party?

[jewellsmommy]

My opinion might 1/2 count. My mom remarried when I was a preschooler and my dad (the 2nd man she married) adopted me when I was 9. My bio-father's 5th wife sent me a letter a few years back to attempt to reunite me to him, My 1/2 brother (his son from wife 4) also attempted contact. I replied with a letter, but made it clear that I was fine and did not need anything from any of them in as nice and reassuring way as possible. That is a snipit of the background. My point:

 

I might be unique in this fact, but I have not ever had a desire to open and explore that other side. I am perfectly content with my dad. All that means  that I wouldn't be looking or putting out inquiries in the first place. Even if I was, though, I would not want to know why I was given up for adoption. I think the best thing you can do is ...nothing. It is not your info to give, and it might be too painful for this person to hear of a life that went on without her and that there are siblings that don't want contact. I do know what it is like to have a 1/2 sibling try to reach out to me that I did not want contact with. That was difficult for me, and I had to process a lot of emotions/guilt about rejecting that. You would be opening the door for these siblings to have to deal with that, some may give in (and feel guilt for that) and others my not (and feel guilt for that) and the whole thing would be very awkward and uncomfortable for all.

 

Ideally the med info would be nice, but I just tell the docs honestly that I don't know anything from 1 side of my bio line. I don't think that little bit of positive info will outweigh the emotional stress that would rain down on everyone else involved.

[msjones]

If you are commenting to this, can you please specificy if you've been adopted.  Sorry to all others, but your opinion as an adoptee counts more in this case.  :)  Thanks.

 

My MIL passed away 11 year ago just before the birth of our first son.  She has 4 children she raised.  Her 5th and oldest, was conceived by date rape.  Well, about 45+ years ago you were sent away for several months to then deliver, then your child was given up for adoption.  In fact until about 15 years ago some of MIL family didn't even know why she was sent away.

 

So, if you were adopted and you were seeking your family, would you want to know that:

1) Your birth mother has since passed away (she had quite a few medical complications that I think should be shared w/ her oldest daughter)

2) You were conceived via rape and then given up for adoption  (is there anyway to avoid sharing this info?)

3) Or would you rather keep looking and not hear anything?

 

I think I may have found this daughter while quickly looking at a website.  Like the first website I've ever looked at.  Hard to belive but almost all the info matches.

 

Next.... my MIL never wanted to contact her oldest daughter.  Would you honor this forever or think this is a different generation that no longer has to follow her wishes?

 

What if the siblings aren't really interested?  (I think mostly b/c of what their mom said.)

 

Can you gently tell me why this isn't my business and instead by husband's and his sibling's?  ( I know, I just need to hear it.  I just keep thinking about how this woman never knew her birth mom and these 4 kids worshipped their mom.  She should be given the oppty to get to know the mom through pics and stories and the kids too.  At the very least be given medical info: Diabetes (90% of her 21 siblings (2 moms (oh, I see your wheels turning - 1 died in childbirth, not 2 simultaneous wives.  Wheel turning off.  :)  - 1 dad - catholic farm family) have diabetes), heart disease (50% of siblings haven't made it past age of 70), died young of ovarian cancer)

I was adopted.  I was an infant and know nothing expect that my birth mother was only 15.  

 

No.  I would not want to know I was conceived during a rape.  No, no, no.  I think that would be so so so destructive and painful and horrifying.  

 

I was a rape victim in my late twenties.  I could easily have become pregnant but, thankfully, did not.  That being said, while I waited to be certain I was not pregnant I decided the (then potential but thankfully non-existant) baby must never, ever know he/she was the product of such violence and ugliness.  I had a plan to (if necessary) find an agency that would let me be completely anonymous so the child would never know about the rape.  It would have be of paramount importance to me.  

 

I don't know what it would do to me to know such a thing.  I prefer my fantasy of young love.  In my mind my birth parents were young and in love and wound up pregnant and couldn't bear to abort me.  Doesn't that sound nice?

 

I'm sure plenty of people will think that sounds unhealthy, but there it is.  

[msjones]

I think it would be a triple blow. Your birth mom is dead, you are the product of rape, neither she nor any of your four siblings wanted to know you. But someone who married your disinterested sibling thought you had a right to know. It might be really hard to know those things.

 

I think you are considering doing potential damage to relationships in your life. I would not feel one of my inlaws is entitled to reveal information about my beloved, late mother against her expressed wishes. I might feel that the desires of the woman who had to ensure rape, pregnancy, birth and loss should be the desires I am supposed to be concerned with.

 

In truth, I am usually in favor of erring in the side of the rights of adoptees. But you aren't the one to be deciding anything. Share what you know with to DH and his siblings. If they decide to reach out, they will.

Yes.

[MollyAnn]

My cousin was adopted. When we were growing up she talked about finding her birth parents and talked about how her birth parents wanted to keep her but they were too young and were forced to give her up.

My cousin has never looked for her birth parents, she has no desire to know her birth parents and I am pretty sure it is because she fears what the actual reasons of her being placed for adoption were. My mother thinks it is because my cousin doesn't want her birth parents to know they gave her to a nut job of a mother.

When we were in our twenties I really tried talking her into looking and I finally had to learn to leave it alone. It is me that has the curiousity, not anyone else. As much as I still wonder about her adoption (and would really love her to have another parent besides the crazies she has) it isn't any of my business.

 

This isn't any of your business and really doesn't concern you. You do not risk being hurt by pursuing this.

Your DH and his siblings know their loving and wonderful mother was hurt. To them she isn't a sibling, she is the result of their mother being assulted. This woman, whoever she is, lives in ignorance of her beginnings. Who are you to shatter that?

[Kel & the Kids]

I agree that it's probably not your info to share without the blessing of your dh and family but since you asked the opinion of adoptees on whether they would want to know the info I'll speak to that. 

 

Being an adoptee and having searched for my birth mother obviously I would want to know.  It didn't matter much to me how I was conceived or why I was given up. I think my adoptive mother did a great job in making me feel very wanted so that it just didn't matter. I've enjoyed knowing the truth. If she has been actively looking (I'm not sure from your post if she has or not), then I think she should know, particularly regarding medical history (with the caveat above). 

 

As for honouring MIL's wishes, after losing both my parents and most of my other family members, my very personal opinion is that life is for the living.  Some of the things they wanted just don't make sense in real life anymore. They made decisions that they may have thought were for the best in their opinion at that time, but when the ones who are left have to live them out it doesn't always work. Circumstances, ideas, finances, new information, they change how things play out. My birthmother does not want contact with me but I'm hoping that after she's gone one of my siblings will find out  the story and track me down.

 

ETA:  I have no idea if this is helpful :)

[abba12]

My dad found out he was adopted when he was 40, and his mother went to her grave without telling us who his father really was (bio mum, adoptive dad). He has tried to find out, his sister managed to find hers (also adopted, but different bio dad, the mum and adoptive dad faked their wedding date so the kids would never know, but the oldest two were always treated much worse than the two later fully bio children). He has a cousin who knows but won't tell him. We have multiple genetic disorders in my family so purely from a medical standpoint this was kind of vital information that was never given to us when we needed it. So take my opinion as you will.

 

I think this woman absolutely should know and has a right to know, but I also think it HAS to come from a sibling, not you. I would strongly encourage the siblings to at least give her the opportunity to know about her bio family and bio mum, because she is looking and her feelings should matter just as much as MILs, especially since MIL is no longer here to be hurt by the reuniting. But if they won't do it, you really should not intervene yourself, because the rejection from the rest of the bio family would hurt so much more

 

Regarding the rape... it's a non issue to me, personally, however I am fairly desensitized when it comes to these matters. I personally don't see why it would make any difference and it wouldn't bother me, but I have been faced with that darker side of people more than once over the years and perhaps come at it with a different perspective.

[clarkacademy]

She gave that baby up for adoption after being raped. She is and was an awesome mother period. I would honor her and her wishes. You don't know this girl or what it would do to her to bring about the news of she is the product of a rape. That's kind of like being that little blue bird of happiness who shares birth horror stories with every pregnant woman you meet. Unless it is some crazy unknown very out there genetic illness she could carry then no I would let it go. I wouldn't force the issue on my husband or his siblings either.

[plansrme]

I would consider the possibility that, considering the times and a strong Catholic family culture, the date rape really wasn't rape.  I do not mean to be disrespectful to your MIL, but that could have been the story the family concoted to save face.  What is more likely:  that a teenaged girl got pregnant her first time, or that she got pregnant having regular, unprotected relations with her boyfriend and just told everyone it was her first and non-consensual time?  The adoptee may be able to take this into account in processing the information.

 

 

[marbel]

I was not adopted; know quite a few adoptive families; some know birth parents, some don't.

 

I'm just wondering what prompted you to look at an adoption search website in the first place, knowing that your husband's family is against finding their sibling.  You don't have to respond, but (gently), you might want to examine your own motives for doing that.   

 

[LucyStoner]

Ok, this is your husband and his siblings decision to make. Not yours. You need to let one or more of them lead the way.

 

My older brother was conceived when my mom was raped. My mom never planned to tell him or us but people in her family told my brother when he was a child and my mom felt she needed to tell us all at that point because my brother needed support after he found out. She got him counseling as well.

 

Honestly, I think he would have been better off not knowing at all. I think it was really damaging to find out, especially while still a child. At any age it puts someone in the position of having to deal with the fact that half of their genetic material came from a rapist. That is a hard bit of information to swallow.

[LucyStoner]

I would consider the possibility that, considering the times and a strong Catholic family culture, the date rape really wasn't rape. I do not mean to be disrespectful to your MIL, but that could have been the story the family concoted to save face. What is more likely: that a teenaged girl got pregnant her first time, or that she got pregnant having regular, unprotected relations with her boyfriend and just told everyone it was her first and non-consensual time? The adoptee may be able to take this into account in processing the information.

It is impossible to substitute our knowledge for the OP's deceased MIL here. You are basing your statement as to what is more likely on your own bias and preconceived ideas. Date rape was and remains a somewhat common crime and it was in many circles as shame filled to admit as consensual sex. While we don't know what happened, you have literally no basis to undermine the validity of this woman's statements.

 

It is not up to the OP to contact this woman at all. Period. If she is contacted trust me the idea that she was conceived in rape will not generally be an easy thing to process.

[G5052]

Ok, this is your husband and his siblings decision to make. Not yours. You need to let one or more of them lead the way.

 

This is what would drive the issue for me. It isn't my blood family, so I'd let it drop. This sort of thing has far-reaching consequences.

[Scarlett]

I would consider the possibility that, considering the times and a strong Catholic family culture, the date rape really wasn't rape. I do not mean to be disrespectful to your MIL, but that could have been the story the family concoted to save face. What is more likely: that a teenaged girl got pregnant her first time, or that she got pregnant having regular, unprotected relations with her boyfriend and just told everyone it was her first and non-consensual time? The adoptee may be able to take this into account in processing the information.

This was my thought from the very beginning, but I doubt the 4 children she raised would be willing to consider the possibility that their mother lied to them her entire life.

[clarkacademy]

OK I just asked a friend who is adopted this is what she said, Under NO circumstance even genetic testing issues would I ever want to know that I was a product of rape. She went on to say if that was the circumstances under her adoption she would be forever grateful to her bio mom for having her but other than that no she would never want to know anything at all. She has no idea who her bio parents are or why she was given up she has zero desire to find out. In her eyes the adoption was a done deal her parents raised her and that's the end of the story.

[Haiku]

I am not adopted but my kids are and I see what they go through. So my opinion is this: the information about this woman's life doesn't just belong to her biological mother, and it isn't a secret that gets to die with her biological mother. This woman's life information belongs to her, as well, and if she is looking for it and you have it, the right thing to do is to give it to her.

[Scarlett]

My bio dad was not in my life at all.....but he had another daughter that he raised. When she was 11 I met him and that was the first my sister knew of me. We spent the next 28 years trying to reconnect but bio dad and his family kept us apart. She loves our dad....he was a good dad to her....but she has been very hurt that he and other family felt they had the right to make decisions for her by keeping me from her even after we were adults.

 

It is your husband and siblings decision. I would share what you know with them and then let it go.

[8circles]

This is my opinion as well. But I'm not adopted nor is anyone close to me. But in my mind, if this woman is looking for information, it shouldn't be kept from her. I would imagine that if you are looking for information about your birth family, you've prepared yourself for really bad news. But again, this is my opinion without any personal experience.

 

I am not adopted but my kids are and I see what they go through. So my opinion is this: the information about this woman's life doesn't just belong to her biological mother, and it isn't a secret that gets to die with her biological mother. This woman's life information belongs to her, as well, and if she is looking for it and you have it, the right thing to do is to give it to her.

[Heather in Neverland]

I would want to know what even prompted you to look it up. It is not your place to do that.

 

I would not even share it with the siblings. They may not want to know and I can't see how knowing will benefit them in any way.

 

My mother got pregnant as a teen. She married when I was a toddler and her husband adopted me. I did not know that until I was 14yo. Sure, I could pull some "emo" teenage scene and rail at her for hiding it from me. But I chose to be grateful that she did not abort me.

 

Even though I knew, my two younger brothers did not know. My mother did not want them to know they were only my half-brothers. She was afraid of what they would think of her. I never told them either. It was not my secret to tell.

 

Stay out of it. You are playing with fire.

[jelbe5]

I will offer my opinion from a different perspective.

 

My dh and I were good friends before we married. He dated and became engaged to another young lady who lived three hours away in his home town. Visits happened on weekends. Well, the young lady became pregnant. She stopped calling, refused his letters and told him the child had been fathered by another man she had been seeing during the week. He wanted to find out if the child was his. He tried to convince her that he wanted to be involved in the child's life but she had the other man's name put on the birth certificate and they married. He was young, did not have much money and decided not to pursue legal action, partly out of respect for the ex girlfriend's wishes. He and I talked about it and he felt it was in the best interest of the child to leave things alone. He was very sad and upset about the situation. She actually dropped the engagement ring he had given her into a regular letter envelope and mailed it to him along with a nasty note telling him to leave her, the other guy and "their" baby alone.

 

Fast forward 25 years later. My SIL (dh's younger sister) made contact with the now young woman (they live in the same town - dh's home town, still 3 hours away). My dh and I and my in-laws were furious, mostly because we were concerned of the shock it would be to the girl to find out her "father", whom she has been raised by, may not be her biological father after all. Apparently she was aware of this possibility but it did not excuse my SIL from doing something she had no business doing.

 

The young lady has not reached out to try to meet my dh and it is his desire to allow her to be the one to make contact. When the girl was still young her crazy mother was arrested for shoplifting and divorced the other man, leaving him to raise the girl on his own. Who knows what she told the girl about my now dh.

 

Our situations are different, but my point is, be careful. Making contact with your MIL's first child may do more emotional harm than good.

[OneStepAtATime]

I am not adopted but I have friends who were and one who found his dad's biological family, including a ton of half-siblings he didn't know he had (and they didn't know he existed either, so very awkward, especially since he was conceived while dad was married to their mother).

 

I do believe this woman has a right to the medical information that her biological siblings could provide, but there are so many sides to this and some potentially devastating consequences, obviously.  

 

My suggestion is this.  Write out ALL the pros and cons you can think of and that have been mentioned on this thread and from other sources.  Do research from reliable sources.  Then read through that list several times and be as honest as possible with yourself on whether the pros outweigh the cons.  If you really, really believe that the pros outweigh the cons, then write out an argument for why you feel this way.  Reread that, too, then approach your DH and show him why you think this is something that needs to be done.  But let he and his siblings make the final decision.  If you do this against their wishes you could very well rip your family apart.

[SKL]

A couple more thoughts.

 

One, it is possible for a sibling to make contact and share some info without sharing the rape info.  Contact does not always mean a lifelong relationship where full sharing is expected.  It would be plausible for the mom to have taken the conception secret to the grave with her.

 

Second, adoptees know that their beginnings did not occur amongst rainbows and sunshine.  I am sure that even the possibility of bio dad being a rapist has crossed the minds of those looking for birth parents.

 

I'm about to do a search for my kids' birth moms even though I am certain there is a dark side to each story.  There always is.  People don't relinquish their babies when everything is hunky dory.  But my girls asked me to do a search and it is really for them and their birth mom (if alive, or other birth family) to decide whether contact is made.

[QuirkyKapers]

I am adopted.  I have made some attempts to get information.  I contacted the agency that I was adopted from and was able to get my unidentifying information.  This information provided me with medical information, ages of my birth parents, how old my grandparents lived to be etc.  In my file, I left my information in the off chance that someone would search for me. 

 

If she wants to find the information, it is out there.  There are groups she can join that will help her search.  I haven't strongly pursued finding out anymore information.  Really, I would like to see how I physically look compared to others in the family.  Aside from that, the reality is there could be complications.  For example, what if no one in the family knew?  Then I am a complete shock. Also, since I am at an age that makes it possible that my birth mom could be deseased. What if she wasn't deceased but she wanted no contact, that is why there hasn't been any?  What if my birth mother was o.k. with knowing, but any siblings felt threatened, maybe thinking that I was trying to get a piece of the pie or now I would take away their mom's attention from them to me?  What if they had mental health issues?  I know I don't need more drama in my life.  So, I would say, especially since the family is reisistant, explore the resistance.  Is it related to their mom's wishes?  Maybe it has more to do with some of what I am talking about, they don't know what issues the adopted daughter may bring to the table and the drama it could cause.  Of course, she may be great, successful and a charming person, but that is the unknown right?  I would start with your dh.  He after all grew up in his family and knows the quirks and nuances of each sibling and could approach them in a way that would maybe be less threatening than yourself.  (Nothing against you...just that your experience of knowing who they are is different than dh's since he has had more years of relationship with his family)

 

Were you asked to research?  Have you passed the information along to your dh?  I would let him decide what he wants to do, if anything.  

 

[Scarlett]

I will offer my opinion from a different perspective.

 

My dh and I were good friends before we married. He dated and became engaged to another young lady who lived three hours away in his home town. Visits happened on weekends. Well, the young lady became pregnant. She stopped calling, refused his letters and told him the child had been fathered by another man she had been seeing during the week. He wanted to find out if the child was his. He tried to convince her that he wanted to be involved in the child's life but she had the other man's name put on the birth certificate and they married. He was young, did not have much money and decided not to pursue legal action, partly out of respect for the ex girlfriend's wishes. He and I talked about it and he felt it was in the best interest of the child to leave things alone. He was very sad and upset about the situation. She actually dropped the engagement ring he had given her into a regular letter envelope and mailed it to him along with a nasty note telling him to leave her, the other guy and "their" baby alone.

 

Fast forward 25 years later. My SIL (dh's younger sister) made contact with the now young woman (they live in the same town - dh's home town, still 3 hours away). My dh and I and my in-laws were furious, mostly because we were concerned of the shock it would be to the girl to find out her "father", whom she has been raised by, may not be her biological father after all. Apparently she was aware of this possibility but it did not excuse my SIL from doing something she had no business doing.

 

The young lady has not reached out to try to meet my dh and it is his desire to allow her to be the one to make contact. When the girl was still young her crazy mother was arrested for shoplifting and divorced the other man, leaving him to raise the girl on his own. Who knows what she told the girl about my now dh.

 

Our situations are different, but my point is, be careful. Making contact with your MIL's first child may do more emotional harm than good.

I don't understand why your dh would be furious that his sister reached out to a girl she believes to be her niece.

[HRAAB]

I am not adopted.  My only sister is adopted.  She has told us in the past that she does not want to find her birth mother, and she did not want any of us trying to find her birth mother.  She said if she ever changed her mind, she would conduct the search, but she wanted our mom to help her - if she ever got to that point.  Mom has since passed away.  My sister is now 45, and she still hasn't changed her mind.  She says she's happy with her life, and I have to trust her.  Bottom line: it's my sister's right to conduct the search or not.  It isn't mine.

 

I really don't feel it is your place to proceed with this, and it could cause far reaching damage and hurt feelings.

[NorthwestMom]

I think it would be a triple blow. Your birth mom is dead, you are the product of rape, neither she nor any of your four siblings wanted to know you. But someone who married your disinterested sibling thought you had a right to know. It might be really hard to know those things.

 

I think you are considering doing potential damage to relationships in your life. I would not feel one of my inlaws is entitled to reveal information about my beloved, late mother against her expressed wishes. I might feel that the desires of the woman who had to ensure rape, pregnancy, birth and loss should be the desires I am supposed to be concerned with.

 

In truth, I am usually in favor of erring in the side of the rights of adoptees. But you aren't the one to be deciding anything. Share what you know with to DH and his siblings. If they decide to reach out, they will.

 

My two sisters are adopted and have both found their birth mothers, both with disappointing outcomes. There has been pain on all sides, even for the birth mother who wanted desperately to be found.  I agree with Danestress completely, STAY OUT of it.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[msjones]

Jumping back in here...

 

My husband and I and all (but one) of our siblings were adopted as well.  Not one of us has sought out a relationship with a birth parent.  Not one of us has any info about our birth parents.  We are happy and fine with our current families and give our adoptions very little thought.

 

This is often very difficult for non-adoptees to believe.  I have had people try to talk me out of feeling satisfied with my status quo.  They are convinced that I need to find my birth mother.  

 

I don't need to find my birth mother.  I love my mother and father who adopted me.  I am deeply grateful to my birth mother for giving me life and pray that she is well and at peace with her decision.  That's it.

 

If someone were to suddenly decide what I need to know and spring that on me, ....,  ....,  I hardly know what to say! Who the heck has the right to do that?  And then to toss in the rape conception?!?!?

 

I generally do not become emotional on this board.  But, wow, no, do not tell this woman anything.  She is a grown woman and can pursue what she chooses to pursue when and if she chooses to pursue it.  

 

Well.  I have now bared my soul on the internet.  There's a first time for everything, I suppose.  

[lavender's green]

I just want to point out that it's not as though you have secret, privileged information.  You found her with a quick internet search, so the information is literally at your DH's or his siblings' fingertips, if they choose to look for it.  But they've chosen to honor your MIL's wishes, and you need to respect that.  Your MIL didn't make the decision to not be found lightly.  She was doing what she decided was best for herself and all her children.  Even knowing her family history of health problems.  (And if this woman is 45 she might be aware of some of them already; it's not like she can go back 20 years and change her lifestyle as a preventative measure.  Also, you don't necessarily know that this woman wasn't given the family medical history.)

 

I'll just gently say that you should look at your own motivations for seeking her out when everyone else has decided not to.  You're a spectator in this.

[Scarlett]

Jumping back in here...

 

My husband and I and all (but one) of our siblings were adopted as well. Not one of us has sought out a relationship with a birth parent. Not one of us has any info about our birth parents. We are happy and fine with our current families and give our adoptions very little thought.

 

This is often very difficult for non-adoptees to believe. I have had people try to talk me out of feeling satisfied with my status quo. They are convinced that I need to find my birth mother.

 

I don't need to find my birth mother. I love my mother and father who adopted me. I am deeply grateful to my birth mother for giving me life and pray that she is well and at peace with her decision. That's it.

 

If someone were to suddenly decide what I need to know and spring that on me, ...., ...., I hardly know what to say! Who the heck has the right to do that? And then to toss in the rape conception?!?!?

 

I generally do not become emotional on this board. But, wow, no, do not tell this woman anything. She is a grown woman and can pursue what she chooses to pursue when and if she chooses to pursue it.

 

Well. I have now bared my soul on the internet. There's a first time for everything, I suppose.

My understanding is the adopted child/woman is on a website looking for her birth family.

 

Everyone is different. Just as many adopted people long to find their birth parents. None of us exists apart from our bio families.

 

If someone from your birth family contacted you you would be free to say, I do not want a relationship with you or any contact. But it is also their right to attempt such contact.

[Scarlett]

I just want to point out that it's not as though you have secret, privileged information. You found her with a quick internet search, so the information is literally at your DH's or his siblings' fingertips, if they choose to look for it. But they've chosen to honor your MIL's wishes, and you need to respect that. Your MIL didn't make the decision to not be found lightly. She was doing what she decided was best for herself and all her children. Even knowing her family history of health problems. (And if this woman is 45 she might be aware of some of them already; it's not like she can go back 20 years and change her lifestyle as a preventative measure. Also, you don't necessarily know that this woman wasn't given the family medical history.)

 

I'll just gently say that you should look at your own motivations for seeking her out when everyone else has decided not to. You're a spectator in this.

The OP has been part of this family for a long time. She is hardly a stranger.

 

She hasn't actually done anything or harmed anyone. Even telling her husband and his siblings about it is not harmful because they already know. I would tell them and let it go.

[SKL]

Yes, my comments were all based on the understanding that the adopted person has been looking for her birth mom.

[DawnM]

I agree with this.

 

Have you told your DH?

 

I am an adoptee, and I really would like to know who I am biologically and find any siblings I might have, HOWEVER, I wouldn't want to know people despised me because of how I was conceived.

 

Based on the limited info I have, I don't believe I was a product of rape, but I would have a hard time accepting that information too.

Dawn

 

 

You don't.  If they want to...they will.  To be honest, it's really none of your business, and it has the potential to significantly damage your relationship with your dh's family...permanently.  It's not your decision to make, and it sounds like your dh and his family have already made it.  Move on and forget about it.

 

[SKL]

Ya know, I am not adopted, but I have always felt the opposite.  I don't totally understand why someone would want those details.  I guess out of curiosity in some cases, but just speculating, I don't think I'd want to know. 

 

It's very individual.  I know adult adoptees in real life who have wanted to know, and others who have not.  These are all well-adjusted people who are happy in their current families.

 

Far be it from me to tell them how they should feel about something so personal, something that I've never had to ask myself about myself.

 

There are debates on adoption forums about whether or not adoptive parents should attempt to make contact with birth parents.  It can get very hot.  Personally I was keeping it as an open option should my kids ever want it done.  Both of them recently expressed a desire / need to find out if their birth families are OK.  So I am preparing to search at their request.  I told them it could be bad news.  They both say they would rather have bad news than no news.  But others may feel differently.

 

[msjones]

My understanding is the adopted child/woman is on a website looking for her birth family.

 

Everyone is different. Just as many adopted people long to find their birth parents. None of us exists apart from our bio families.

 

If someone from your birth family contacted you you would be free to say, I do not want a relationship with you or any contact. But it is also their right to attempt such contact.

I'm confused.

 

I didn't say she had no right to attempt to contact her birth mom.  I would never try to stop someone from finding a birth parent.  I don't believe I said I would.  And of course all adoptees have different feelings about their adoption.  I was simply sharing mine and the feelings of my siblings and in-laws.  I didn't mean every adoptee should feel just like me.

 

I thought the question was whether a random relative should provide all the information.  

 

Have I misunderstood the original question?  I'll go back and re-read it.

 

Just re-read.  The OP is wondering whether she should divulge the information.  My response as an adoptee is that no she should not, she should leave it up to the adoptee.  It's the adoptee's decision, not hers.

[SKL]

I agree with this.

 

Have you told your DH?

 

I am an adoptee, and I really would like to know who I am biologically and find any siblings I might have, HOWEVER, I wouldn't want to know people despised me because of how I was conceived.

 

Based on the limited info I have, I don't believe I was a product of rape, but I would have a hard time accepting that information too.

Dawn

 

I did not get the impression that anyone in the family "despised" the adoptee.  I got the impression that they were afraid that information would be terribly hurtful to the adoptee, and therefore they did not want to tell her.

[texasmama]

I am not adopted.

 

If I were, I would want to know medical history.  I would not want to hear that I was the product of rape.  Also, as MIL has passed away, this information is now second hand knowledge, and I would not pass it along.  My own family experience leads me to understand the nuances which may be involved here.  Some older generational family history has been rewritten to be more palateable in my own family due to societal constructs so it is possible this applies.  Also, even recently, I am aware of a situation in which an unwanted pregnancy that ended in adoption was orginally presented as a rape (when this was inaccurate) to make the situation more acceptable to some involved.  I shake my head at wanting to believe that a young lady was raped rather than that she chose to engage in a sexual relationship and got pg, but I am privy to all the facts of the situation, and I know this to be the case.

 

I agree, OP, that it is not your place to pass on any information. 

[Spryte]

Tread carefully here.

 

My oldest friend is the product of a rape, and I have seen the impact of that knowledge on his life.  His parents did not get him counseling, or support, and he has struggled with it for his entire life.  I, personally, would not share that info about my MIL, even once deceased. If your DH and his siblings make contact with the adoptee, and they decide to share, then that's their place to do so.

 

I am an adoptive mom in 2 open adoptions, and married to an adoptee who has recently found his birthfamily, and my aunt has reunited with my birthcousin.  So while I'm not adopted, I have lots of experience with birthfamilies.  I, too, think that contact needs to come from your DH and his siblings, not from you.  If you want to share what you've found with your DH, great.  He and his siblings can proceed or not.  Otherwise, this needs to just fizzle.  It isn't fair to any of them to open something up without the consent of all.  Opening an adoption is about more than just the adoptee, it impacts everyone.  

[Scarlett]

I'm confused.

 

I didn't say she had no right to attempt to contact her birth mom. I would never try to stop someone from finding a birth parent. I don't believe I said I would. And of course all adoptees have different feelings about their adoption. I was simply sharing mine and the feelings of my siblings and in-laws. I didn't mean every adoptee should feel just like me.

 

I thought the question was whether a random relative should provide all the information.

 

Have I misunderstood the original question? I'll go back and re-read it.

 

Just re-read. The OP is wondering whether she should divulge the information. My response as an adoptee is that no she should not, she should leave it up to the adoptee. It's the adoptee's decision, not hers.

You seem a little hostile about this. :(. Sorry if I offended you.

 

The woman is looking for her birth family. The OPs husband and siblings already know she exists. What possible harm is there in telling the siblings that their adopted sister is looking for them.

 

You said you don't want to be contacted. But some people DO want to be found. That is all I was saying.