Adoption: Would you want to know? and Help be keep my nose out of this

[msjones]

You seem a little hostile about this. :(. Sorry if I offended you.

 

The woman is looking for her birth family. The OPs husband and siblings already know she exists. What possible harm is there in telling the siblings that their adopted sister is looking for them.

 

You said you don't want to be contacted. But some people DO want to be found. That is all I was saying.

You didn't offend me. You put words in my mouth.  I was clarifying.  

[Haiku]

It's the adoptee's decision, not hers.

 

I still don't get where you are coming from. The adoptee has made her decision. She's actively searching for her birth family. She wants the information. No one is trying to initiate contact with her. She is trying to initiate contact with her birth family.

[Scarlett]

You didn't offend me. You put words in my mouth.  I was clarifying.  

 

 

Now I am confused.  What words did I put in your mouth?

[Liz CA]

There are multiple opinions on this and this is exactly the point. If I am understanding the situation correctly, you simply don't know if this woman wants to know. What if she grew up in a great family and that is all she needed to know? I don't think we have a right to destroy someone else's world. I have never actively searched for my sibling(s). Not even sure how many there are, I know there is one at least. If he wants to find me, he would set it in motion and today it's easier than ever.

I, on the other hand, would want to know everything. This is just who I am. I would also want to know about the circumstances of conception. It would not be fun, warm and fuzzy but my faith would help me through this. You don't know if this woman has the resources to deal with this information. Too many unknown variables, IMHO.

Next point is - this is your dh's family, not yours? I know you are one family...however, I would not do something like this unless it was directly involving me. Have you mentioned to your dh that you found someone who could be his sister? I suppose you could mention it and see what his reaction is. Beyond that, I would not touch it with a ten foot pole.

 

I think the issue regarding medical history is a double edged sword. Doctors will diagnose her if she has symptoms. Yes, it may be good to know what to watch for but what if it would distress her knowing she has a few genetic strikes against her - and who doesn't?

[msjones]

Now I am confused.  What words did I put in your mouth?

 

I suppose "put words in my mouth" was the wrong phrase.  Apologies.  

 

You implied that I didn't realize different adoptees had different feelings.  

 

The OP asked for adoptees' feelings, and I provided mine (although I probably shouldn't have...).  Learned my lesson about internet sharing.

 

Bowing out of this.  

[Scarlett]

I suppose "put words in my mouth" was the wrong phrase.  Apologies.  

 

You implied that I didn't realize different adoptees had different feelings.  

 

The OP asked for adoptees' feelings, and I provided mine (although I probably shouldn't have...).  Learned my lesson about internet sharing.

 

Bowing out of this.  

 

 

I thought I was adding to the discussion in pointing out that not everyone feels the same way.  I don't know how that translates to implying you do or do not know that.

 

I also don't know why you are bowing out of a discussion that you are providing valuable insight too.  Again I am sorry I upset you by my post.

[Catwoman]

I'm not adopted, nor have I adopted any children, so my lack of experience may make my opinion entirely worthless, but I think the OP would be setting herself up for a huge family rift if she contacts the woman on her own. I'm with others who have said that this is a decision for her dh and his siblings to make, and if she doesn't like it, she needs to decide whether her dh's own feelings rate more highly than the interests of a stranger on the Internet (who may turn out not to be the long-lost sister after all.) Is it really worth it to go against the wishes of the whole family just so she can satisfy her curiosity and try to help a complete stranger?

 

I do wish, though, that there was a way to get the family medical history to the woman, but unless the family (again, not the OP, but her dh and his siblings) are able to contact the original adoption agency so they can share it with her, I can't think of a way to get the info to her without appearing to be interested in establishing some sort of relationship.

 

One other thing the OP should consider is that the "sister" may not be the sweet, kind, loving person that she may be imagining. She could have a laundry list of emotional issues, be violent, be a criminal, be a drug addict, or any number of other things. Those are factors that may not exist, but might, and if the OP's family is happy as they are, perhaps they simply don't want to take a chance that the "sister" may not be someone with whom they want to be involved.

 

My personal feeling is that the OP should keep her nose out of the situation, and let her dh decide what to do with the information. It's sweet that she wants to help the woman find her family, but she could be opening a huge can of worms here, and it could lead to long term problems between her and her dh's family, as well as within the family itself if there is disagreement about how to deal with the "sister."

 

Sometimes when we decide to search for something online, we should just turn off the computer and walk away.

[Laurie4b]

I am not adopted.

 

If I were, I would want to know medical history.  I would not want to hear that I was the product of rape.  Also, as MIL has passed away, this information is now second hand knowledge, and I would not pass it along.  My own family experience leads me to understand the nuances which may be involved here.  Some older generational family history has been rewritten to be more palateable in my own family due to societal constructs so it is possible this applies.  Also, even recently, I am aware of a situation in which an unwanted pregnancy that ended in adoption was orginally presented as a rape (when this was inaccurate) to make the situation more acceptable to some involved.  I shake my head at wanting to believe that a young lady was raped rather than that she chose to engage in a sexual relationship and got pg, but I am privy to all the facts of the situation, and I know this to be the case.

 

I agree, OP, that it is not your place to pass on any information. 

 

This is a very good point in terms of MIL's story being second hand and possibly it being the best thing to say at the time. I know an older family member got pregnant as a teen, and lied about it her child's entire life (altering the birth mother's age). Somebody in the family eventually spilled the beans not knowing that the (then adult) child didn't know that the conception was before the marriage. In different generations, things were handled differently.

[Ellie]

I thought I was adding to the discussion in pointing out that not everyone feels the same way.

 

Surely all of us have had enough life experiences to know, without being told, that not everyone feels the same way.

 

I know you didn't mean any harm. :-) I just don't think it adds to any discussion, on any topic, to point out that not everyone feels the same way.

 

:grouphug:

[J-rap]

My opinion?  Leave it alone.  It's not your business.

[Plink]

Yikes! I wouldn't even consider searching for info about DH's family without his express consent, let alone reaching out to them without him.

[jelbe5]

I don't understand why your dh would be furious that his sister reached out to a girl she believes to be her niece.

The problem was that SIL just took it upon herself without regard for anyone else, including the young lady. Her email basically said "I think you may be my niece." Can you imagine receiving contact from someone you don't know who is now telling you that the man who raised you may not be your biological father? That was the problem. Nobody in our family knew if the girl might be aware of this or not and that possible bombshell can rock someone's world. Also, SIL has a habit of meddling in the lives of others. While her intention may be good she does things like that without regard for others.

[Scarlett]

The problem was that SIL just took it upon herself without regard for anyone else, including the young lady. Her email basically said "I think you may be my niece." Can you imagine receiving contact from someone you don't know who is now telling you that the man who raised you may not be your biological father? That was the problem. Nobody in our family knew if the girl might be aware of this or not and that possible bombshell can rock someone's world. Also, SIL has a habit of meddling in the lives of others. While her intention may be good she does things like that without regard for others.

If the girl had been lied to her entire life there would be no good way to tell her that. I would still want to know.

[stripe]

Next.... my MIL never wanted to contact her oldest daughter.  Would you honor this forever or think this is a different generation that no longer has to follow her wishes?

 

What if the siblings aren't really interested?  (I think mostly b/c of what their mom said.)

The siblings' contact with her is a different issue than the mother's. The mother never contacted the daughter, and now has passed away, so frankly, it's not about her contact anymore.

 

I don't think a relative contacting her, especially if not the mother, needs to reveal the circumstances under which she was conceived. Being pregnant from your boyfriend in a full consensual relationship was often a reason to give a child up for adoption, so at that time, I hardly think the details of the past are obvious just from the fact she was given up for adoption. I wouldn't be in a rush to volunteer that someone was the product of rape. How does that help, or provide any useful information to the child?

[umsami]

I was adopted and did the whole birth parents search in my late 30s.  

 

I think most of us undertaking that assume that we might have been the victim of rape, or a teen pregnancy, or a whole host of other things… at least I did.  Still, it's not always easy to hear.  The book "The Girls who Went Away" is excellent reading for anybody adopted in the pre-Roe v. Wade era.

 

I think I would definitely want to know about the death, but I don't know if it's worth sharing about the rape.  JMHO.  I think that was your MIL's story to tell should she have wanted to.  As she passed, I'm not sure that anybody else should share it. You can say you don't know anything about her birth father, but you're sorry.

[MtnMama]

I am adopted. I have no desire to find my birth family. If one of them contacted me, I'm not sure how I would respond, but it would be up to me, not my husband. You should definitely stay out of it.

[umsami]

When you said you think you found her…was it on an adoptee looking for birth parents board or something else?  That was my assumption when you said you think you found her.

 

Because if she was looking, then I think it's OK to respond with at least the info about her birth mother being dead and any health info you have (once you verify that this is really who you are looking for.)

 

How does your State handle these things? For example, in Michigan where I was born/adopted, it is closed.  The adoptee has to go to the court of the county where the adoption took place…. and then there is an intermediary that contacts the biological parents…and then if everybody agrees, information is exchanged.  I believe if one of the parties is deceased, that info is shared.

 

As for the health info, I know that I and many other adoptees used 23andme's DNA screening to try and find out some things. I don't believe they're allowed to do the health bits anymore, but it was great while it lasted.

[Impish]

I'm married to an adoptee.

 

At his request, I tracked down his birth father. Too late, as it turned out, as he'd passed away a cpl of months prior.

 

He's met several birth sibs. They have not turned into ongoing relationships. There was mention of another potential sibling (we genuinely don't know how many children his birth mother had) and Wolf declined to pursue it. He said he felt burned enough by what he'd already found, he wasn't going to open the door to more.

 

So, I wouldn't contact her. I'd absolutely talk to my husband about it, give him the info I found, and drop it.

[Joker]

All of my dh's siblings are adopted and I wouldn't do a thing that involved their birth families unless I was asked. So far only one has wished to know anything about their biological families. I honestly can't imagine looking into it on their behalf. If I stumbled upon the information, I would pass it along to dh and let him decide whether or not to pass it along to one of his siblings. I wouldn't deliver any information myself unless asked.