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Would you want to know?

plain jane

By plain jane,
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plain jane

plain jane

Posted
Posted

I need to be vague but I am tormented by this and am not really thinking rationally.

 

For some time now I have been made aware that my friend's dh is keeping a secret from her.  I can't go into details for so many reasons.  It's likely not marriage breaking but I know it would make her very mad and hurt.  I'm mad that I am in this situation of having to know this because I don't know what to do.  If it were me, I would want to know.  But, because I am on the flip side, I don't want to cause unnecessary discord in a marriage.  I truly don't know if she has suspicions or if this would hit her out of left field.  This isn't hear-say or rumors; it's fact.  Her husband is _________ so it's not like I would be stirring up trouble based on a rumor.

 

I think I should let sleeping dogs lie, but it makes me so angry whenever I see him and I hurt for her that I know and she doesn't. And I don't want her to find out I knew all along and never told her.  Ugh.

 

The things I ponder on Christmas night. WWYD?

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Mergath

Mergath

Posted
Posted

If it's something that could hurt her, I'd tell her.  If he's cheating, for example, or if he's committing a crime and she could be implicated, or if he's involved with dangerous people that might be putting her at risk.  Anything like that, and I'd let her know.  Otherwise, I don't think it would be my place to tell her. 

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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

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does *he* know you know?   perhaps an alternative to consider is confronting him, and insisting he tell her, or you will.  (even if all you do is refuse to socialize with him, she'll want to know why.)

some things to ask yourself

is it illegal? in which she could be implicated as an accessory if he's arrested.  or leave her without a way of providing for her children if he's jailed.

is it something that will undermine her if it were to become public?

it is current/ongoing or a one-off?  happened since they were married or before?

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Liz CA

Liz CA

Posted
Posted

I need to be vague but I am tormented by this and am not really thinking rationally.

 

For some time now I have been made aware that my friend's dh is keeping a secret from her.  I can't go into details for so many reasons.  It's likely not marriage breaking but I know it would make her very mad and hurt.  I'm mad that I am in this situation of having to know this because I don't know what to do.  If it were me, I would want to know.  But, because I am on the flip side, I don't want to cause unnecessary discord in a marriage.  I truly don't know if she has suspicions or if this would hit her out of left field.  This isn't hear-say or rumors; it's fact.  Her husband is _________ so it's not like I would be stirring up trouble based on a rumor.

 

I think I should let sleeping dogs lie, but it makes me so angry whenever I see him and I hurt for her that I know and she doesn't. And I don't want her to find out I knew all along and never told her.  Ugh.

 

The things I ponder on Christmas night. WWYD?

 

If you know him well enough and you are sure of your hunches, you could tell him he has until ... to tell her before you say something.

This is kind of radical but I think I would not want to wonder about my friend and my dh being untruthful.

 

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Joker

Joker

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Posted

My sister was once in your position and she decided to tell. Her world changed drastically. Her friend turned on her even though her dh admitted things and they split up for a while. My sister ended up having to leave her job because she and her good friend also worked together. My sister lost many friends. Some were on her side but were too uneasy about being her friend publicly anymore. It was horrible and took my sister a long time to get over. She was extremely close to the children involved and was suddenly unable to have any contact with them as well. She does now that they are adults, though (they came to her).

 

I would only tell if you are okay with the possibility of losing your friend. I would probably still tell if it was something bad (infidelity, drugs, etc), but I would go into it knowing my friend could hate the messenger.

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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My sister was once in your position and she decided to tell. Her world changed drastically. Her friend turned on her even though her dh admitted things and they split up for a while. My sister ended up having to leave her job because she and her good friend also worked together. My sister lost many friends. Some were on her side but were too uneasy about being her friend publicly anymore. It was horrible and took my sister a long time to get over. She was extremely close to the children involved and was suddenly unable to have any contact with them as well. She does now that they are adults, though (they came to her).

 

I would only tell if you are okay with the possibility of losing your friend. I would probably still tell if it was something bad (infidelity, drugs, etc), but I would go into it knowing my friend could hate the messenger.

It happened to me too....my best friend did turn on me for a while. Eventually she saw the light.....regardless I don't regret telling.

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Aspasia

Aspasia

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I would want to know. No question. I agree that the only secrets spouses should keep from each other are those that involve gifts or surprises. I like the idea of telling the husband that you know and that he needs to tell her.

 

This is a terrible situation. I don't envy you, that's for sure. But I would always want to know (then again, I'm not the kind of person who would turn on a friend for telling me something that is confirmed truth).

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NotSoObvious

NotSoObvious

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I would want to know no matter what, but I am like that and my husband and I don't keep things from each other. I know there are spouses who keep little things from each other all the time though, so I'm not sure how marriages like that work or what the wife would want to know. 

 

I'd probably tell the husband he needs to tell her, then refuse to engage until he did.

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Flowing Brook

Flowing Brook

Posted
Posted

If it was me I would want to know. I would be hurt if someone knew and did not tell me.

 

Years ago some very awful rumors were going around about my family.  There was a small speck of truth in the giant sea of lies.  People stopped talking to me. Others acted funny when they ran into me.  Finally I found out why. I was so hurt when all the people that I thought were my friends avoided me and no one came to me and told me what was being said about my family.  In my case the rumors were not true. But even if they were I would want to know. I would be hurt if my dh was doing something and no one told me.

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Mango

Mango

Posted
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Does her DH know you know? 

 

If so, I'd tell him that you're going to "spill the beans" on (give him a deadline), "Just thought you'd want to know so you have the opportunity to tell her yourself before I do."  

 

Whatever happens next, you still have your conversation with your friend because he may still not be truthful if he fesses up. I'd want to know THAT too. 

 

 

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TracyP

TracyP

Posted
Posted

If it is infidelity (I know it isn't), I think you should tell.

 

All the way on the other side, you have the person who thought they should tell on my husband for chewing behind my back. He had already come clean, and I was angry and hurt by dh. (We had quit smoking together 3 years before. I didn't know he kept up this occasional habit.) I have waaay forgiven my dh, but I am honestly still annoyed (8 yrs later) at the person who stuck their nose in it. For one, the way in which I was told was completely inappropriate. Secondly, I can't believe in this situation that the person was looking out for me. I believe this person was trying to rock the boat. I can't see any other reason.

 

There is a wide gulf between those two situation above. Without knowing details, it is hard to say if I would want to know. Just to offer commiseration, I know things about my bro that his wife doesn't. It eats me up a little, especially when she says, "He would never...." It isn't anything that would break up their marriage, and telling her would only cause problems between them. It isn't worth it.

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Plink

Plink

Posted
Posted

I'd want to know.

 

That said, I'm pretty sure that I'd stand up for my DH in the moment, and say something like "he would never..." I'd then become very indignant, and angry at my friend for making up such lies. Then, I'd figure out the truth and be embarrassed, so I'd avoid my friend. It would probably take me a very long time to admit that they were right. I hope I'd get over myself and allow myself to be close with the friend again, but shame, embarrassment, and pride would all stand in my way.

 

If you decide to tell, be very gentle. It is difficult to hear negative things about a spouse. I agree with the others that it would be best if you could encourage the husband to fess up on his own.

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Garga

Garga

Posted
Posted

Is it illegal? Is it something this couple would consider a sin?

 

I'd ask the DH to tell his wife and see what response you get. I might not do an ultimatum "Tell by this date..." but I'd say that you're not comfortable keeping the secret and not sure how much longer you can.

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Scarlett

Scarlett

Posted
Posted

I agree it does matter somewhat what it is. But if OP can't put it out of her mind I think she should tell.

 

There is just no way to know how a spouse will react....so the best course is to go with your own sense of right and wrong and let the chips fall where they may.

 

As I look back over many years experience with my two marriages and human nature in general I have come to feel that dishonesty in relationships is like poison and I will not be even a passive party to it.

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plain jane

plain jane

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Are you 100% sure that what you think is going on, is actually going on? Are you 100% sure that the spouse doesn't know? Is it something that would put the spouse or children in danger?

I am 100% sure this is going on and 100% sure that he thinks she doesn't know. As to whether she actually does know? I don't have the answer to that.

 

He does not want her to know (obviously) as it will cause great discord in their marriage.

 

I probably won't tell her. I don't see the good it will do. But I really can't look at him without disgust.

 

I have zero to little tolerance for secrecy and lies and even less so within the bounds of marriage. The whole situation makes me ill but the more I reflect on it I don't know that her knowing would change what has been going on. All it will bring about is hurt and anger.

 

So I'll just be angry for her. :-p

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JennyD

JennyD

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Posted

I am trying to think of a circumstance in which I would tell a friend something about her DH.  It would have to be pretty extreme -- abuse of a child comes to mind.  But other than that, while I certainly wouldn't actively help conceal a secret, there are very few situations in which I would report on one spouse to another.  Not my marriage, not my business.  

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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I am trying to think of a circumstance in which I would tell a friend something about her DH. It would have to be pretty extreme -- abuse of a child comes to mind. But other than that, while I certainly wouldn't actively help conceal a secret, there are very few situations in which I would report on one spouse to another. Not my marriage, not my business.

Not picking on you.....but I will never comprehend this reasoning. To me my friend being harmed ( and to me dishonesty and betrayal are harms) IS my business.

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Danestress

Danestress

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Posted

Yes. I probably would care. Some things cause marital discord. No one likes how that feels, but I would rather have discord, hash it out, go through what has to be gone through, and have the knowledge I need to know the truth about my marriage and my spouse. Otherwise I would feel like he and you and who ever else kept the secret was working on the belief that I can't handle my own problems.

 

I am am adult. I don't need protection from the truth.

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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Yes. I probably would care. Some things cause marital discord. No one likes how that feels, but I would rather have discord, hash it out, go through what has to be gone through, and have the knowledge I need to know the truth about my marriage and my spouse. Otherwise I would feel like he and you and who ever else kept the secret was working on the belief that I can't handle my own problems.

 

I am am adult. I don't need protection from the truth.

I liked this and wish I could like it times 10.

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TracyP

TracyP

Posted
Posted

Also to the issue that the PP mentioned.....being angry at her friend who told because she felt said friend did it with a wrong motive and just to rock the boat....to me that is a different matter completely...that is a friend problem not a truth telling problem.

 

But the reason I feel he was just trying to make trouble is that the "offense" was so minor. I can't imagine telling on someone to their spouse for a minor thing like buying a tin of chew.

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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Posted

But the reason I feel he was just trying to make trouble is that the "offense" was so minor. I can't imagine telling on someone to their spouse for a minor thing like buying a tin of chew.

It wouldn't be a small thing to me. It would be devastating to me. But either way if you have a friend who you think was just trying to cause trouble that is a friend problem, not a truth problem.

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TracyP

TracyP

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It wouldn't be a small thing to me. It would be devastating to me. But either way if you have a friend who you think was just trying to cause trouble that is a friend problem, not a truth problem.

 

Here's the rub. Because you think it would be devastating, you would probably tell me. Because I think it is minor, I would question your motives. Really, this can be a tricky question.

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plain jane

plain jane

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But the reason I feel he was just trying to make trouble is that the "offense" was so minor. I can't imagine telling on someone to their spouse for a minor thing like buying a tin of chew.

It's difficult to gauge (for me, in this situation) if this is a "minor" thing to this lady or not. One thing I've learned from years on this forum is that what one person sees as major is just meh to another and vice versa.

 

Also, it's not a one time thing. For example he didn't sneak out to *A* football game once. He's going out to all the football games. Maybe this was a poor analogy but i am trying to remain vague. Please don't tear my example apart. :). That's more why I felt she should know. If it were a one time thing there is the whole bad judgment call, moment of weakness thing. Now it's premeditated and purposeful.

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ThatHomeschoolDad

ThatHomeschoolDad

Posted
Posted

Well she said it's not so bad that it would ruin their marriage. I'd think being gay would ruin a marriage. So would body in a dumpster. If it is something like he went to a strip club, I wouldn't care.

True. Then again, there are marriages of convenience....maybe not for the murder thing. No, even including that, but I live in Jersey.

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dragons in the flower bed

dragons in the flower bed

Posted
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Can you get some mutual guy-friend to give the husband a come-to-Jesus talk about intimacy and secrets and healthy marriages? If you can't talk the husband into telling, I would not go directly to the friend with it, and when she finds out I would not let her know that I knew all along. That kind of you-knew-and-I-didn't dynamic just adds an unnecessary layer of stress on top of the stress of not being as intimate with your partner as you believed you were.
 

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Dandelion

Dandelion

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Posted

If I were in your shoes, I'd base my decision on actual danger to my friend and her marriage.

 

If the friend is in actual danger (physical, health-wise, legal, etc.) from her DH's actions, I would definitely say something.

 

If the friend's marriage would be over if she knew, I would say something.

 

You've already established (If I'm reading correctly), that neither of the above is true in this case. If neither your friend nor her marriage are in danger, then it comes down to your motivation for telling her. It sounds like you're disgusted with the friend's DH and perhaps you want your friend to know just because you're angry about what he's getting away with right now. That, IMO, is not a good enough reason to say anything. Tell her if you are truly concerned for her, and only her - otherwise, don't.

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