how to be supportive when I don't support it

[HappyLady]

My DH just recently got involved with a MLM (multi-level marketing) company.  I'm sure you all know how those work.  And I'm sure you know unless you're a top ranking "sales person" you don't make much money, though the promise of it keeps you going.

 

I'm glad my DH is a go-getter.  I am.  But, the first thing that upsets me about all of this is we pay about $100 a month for him to do this.  It's not that we can't afford that, but I've been telling my DH for almost 3 years that I need help (a babysitter, mother's helper, etc) because our 3yo DS has been so difficult to handle (non-stop tantrums, speech delay, etc) and he always tells me, "We can't afford it."  We can, he's just tight with our money.  

 

The second issue I have is my DH does nothing but work on his "business" and talk about it non-stop.  The kids practically cry for his attention, I get next to no help from him, and the time he spends working on this is making me hate this whole thing even more.  He says he needs to invest the time now so he can "sit back and watch his business grow."  

 

I like the company he's with.  I do.  But I honestly don't think he's going to be a millionaire like he thinks he is.  He even wants me to start doing it because it "makes no sense" if he's making a million dollars a year that I wouldn't want to be doing the same.   :001_rolleyes:

 

I like our life the way it is now.  Would I like to be a millionaire?  Sure, but the chances of that happening are slim-to-none.  He's such a bright guy, but he easily gets sucked in with these sort of things (he was in a MLM in his early 20s before he met me so he knows how it works.  THAT company didn't work for him because of the product, though.  :glare: )

 

Last night when he was going on and on about all of this I wasn't very supportive of it and he told me that I was squashing his dream.  I don't ever want to do that, but I just don't think he's going to make it big with this company and I don't like the sacrifice we're going through now.

 

So how do I be supportive when I wish he'd just quit?  :(   And telling him to quit isn't an option because then he'll tell me I didn't let him follow his dream.  Following his dreams is very important to him.

[Aspasia]

This is tough. For me the money would be the biggest issue. $100 a month is a lot to pay for something that is far from a guaranteed money maker. I mean, I guess a lot of us take out student loans to pursue our "dreams", and that's a lot of money, but the likelihood of student loans paying off is much, much higher than investing in an MLM scheme. Yes, I said "scheme", because I have seen so very many people put so much effort into those things (I tried one myself a few years ago), and I have never seen anyone really make much money. I like being an Usborne "consultant" because I can get really good deals on big packages of great books. But if I were spending $100 every month, with the expectation of becoming a millionaire, that would never fly with my dh, and he would kindly tell me that. (I'm the dreamer in our relationship.)

 

I understand not wanting to squash dreams, and you are such a loving wife for respecting that, but when someone's dreams are negatively affecting the family (whether financially or otherwise), they need to realize that and make adjustments. My husband LOVES his job, but it is hard on our family, mainly because of the commute. I have chosen to live with that for now so he can love his job and be happy. The financial stability makes it an okay sacrifice and we are making things work. We are both okay...for now. But if, at any point, one of us begins to feel that this really isn't working for the family as a whole, we will have to make adjustments.

 

Does your dh also work full time in addition to the MLM?

[HappyLady]

 

Does your dh also work full time in addition to the MLM?

 

 

Yes, he has a very good job and has a lot of perks and benefits to it.  He is still very happy with his job, but he's had this dream since he was in his 20s (he's in his 40s now) that he's going to be a millionaire someday.  He's followed through on every one of his dreams, except pretty much this one.  He tried in other ways to become wealthy, but obviously nothing has gotten him close to where he wants to be.

 

On a side note, he showed me his "dream board" last night.  On his dream board was a picture of a maid, which represented getting me the help that I need with the house and kids.   :glare:   That's great and all, but him becoming a millionaire probably wouldn't happen until the kids were in college so a lot of good that dream board does me now.

[TechWife]

Has he ever read the book The Millionaire Next Door? It might be worthwhile for him.

[MomatHWTK]

My DH and I are both dreamers, it is one of the things we have always had in common. Most of our plans have not come to fruition.  Some break even, some become hobbies.  We don't go into debt over dreams, DH keeps his secure job and beyond that we allow ourselves to pursue the dream.  Now, we don't do this because we want to be rich.  But, we would like to be able to sustain ourselves in a variety of market conditions.  We would like to be multi-talented and do something we enjoy.  And, at age 40- we too began thinking about retirement gigs.  In our household, $100 a month would not be a big issue.  I won't even tell how much I've invested in yarns so that I have inventory on hand to create what comes to me to create.  DH's latest hobby is creating custom items using electronic components- we have packages coming from China and Great Britain- fun stuff!

 

As far as not agreeing- that is a bigger issue.  If one of us really resented what the other was doing or spending I can see where it would be a problem.  And, I'll admit before I had my own creative outlet I was a little more resentful of DH and his projects.  I would probably sit down and agree to a fixed amount per month and a timeline for a profit turn around.  But realize that these things take time.  I won't make back what I've invested in yarn for quite some time, but I do see steady returns and at some point my inventory will be built up and I won't need to invest more.  (It's similar to purchasing the MUS videos/DVDs knowing I will use them for 4 kids. KWIM?)

 

With regard to the children, maybe come up with a way to involve them or at least discuss the venture with them.  DH tells the kids what he is working on (and we admire the foreign postmarks).  I've talked to the kids about pricing and profit, inventory tracking, opportunity cost, etc.  And even the 3 year old knows about knitting and yarn now. 

 

IMO, you two need to discuss this as a couple but be careful to not box him in to a career just because it is secure.  Sometimes people need something else to spur their imaginations.  Better a man who keeps his day job and pursues a dream than one that quits and sells all your possessions to do so. ;) 

[HappyLady]

What is his dream for his family?

 

 

He wants to go on vacations twice a year to see the world, he wants a nice, big house, and he wants our children's education to be the best we can afford.  I know there was more, but I can't remember what they were at the moment.  After I heard about the maid I sort of tuned out.

[HappyLady]

Has he ever read the book The Millionaire Next Door? It might be worthwhile for him.

 

 

I'm not sure, but I'll look into it!  Thanks!

[HappyLady]

My DH and I are both dreamers, it is one of the things we have always had in common. Most of our plans have not come to fruition.  Some break even, some become hobbies.  We don't go into debt over dreams, DH keeps his secure job and beyond that we allow ourselves to pursue the dream.  Now, we don't do this because we want to be rich.  But, we would like to be able to sustain ourselves in a variety of market conditions.  We would like to be multi-talented and do something we enjoy.  And, at age 40- we too began thinking about retirement gigs.  In our household, $100 a month would not be a big issue.  I won't even tell how much I've invested in yarns so that I have inventory on hand to create what comes to me to create.  DH's latest hobby is creating custom items using electronic components- we have packages coming from China and Great Britain- fun stuff!

 

As far as not agreeing- that is a bigger issue.  If one of us really resented what the other was doing or spending I can see where it would be a problem.  And, I'll admit before I had my own creative outlet I was a little more resentful of DH and his projects.  I would probably sit down and agree to a fixed amount per month and a timeline for a profit turn around.  But realize that these things take time.  I won't make back what I've invested in yarn for quite some time, but I do see steady returns and at some point my inventory will be built up and I won't need to invest more.  (It's similar to purchasing the MUS videos/DVDs knowing I will use them for 4 kids. KWIM?)

 

With regard to the children, maybe come up with a way to involve them or at least discuss the venture with them.  DH tells the kids what he is working on (and we admire the foreign postmarks).  I've talked to the kids about pricing and profit, inventory tracking, opportunity cost, etc.  And even the 3 year old knows about knitting and yarn now. 

 

IMO, you two need to discuss this as a couple but be careful to not box him in to a career just because it is secure.  Sometimes people need something else to spur their imaginations.  Better a man who keeps his day job and pursues a dream than one that quits and sells all your possessions to do so. ;)

 

I agree with you.  My DH is definitely someone who needs something other than work and family and he's always been the type to be pursuing a dream.  That's great, I wish I were more like him.  But I also know that if I say ANYTHING negative about him "following his dream" he'll turn into a pouty pre-teen.  LOL  Then it will turn into, "Just because you don't have any dreams......."  

 

I tried asking him if he was going to put a time limit on this so if by X amount of time it wasn't making him any money he'd quit and he acted as if I was nuts.  He said it's going to take years before he sees a real profit with this.  I don't think I can go through years of this!  If this particular company or way of life was his *dream* I'd be more ok with it all, but the end result (becoming a millionaire) is really all he's after. 

[Plateau Mama]

Has he ever read the book The Millionaire Next Door? It might be worthwhile for him.

This is one of my favorite books. I think it should be required reading for everyone.

[zoobie]

I would get to a professional. $100 may not seem like much, but you said he's refused your request for a relief sitter. That's 10 hours of sitting that your family supposedly can't afford for you but can for him. The time and the obsession that's superseding family time... You can't ignore your family on the guise of doing something for them. Sounds like he's using this dream as his excuse to engage with his reality, which isn't healthy.

 

Good luck. :grouphug:

[HappyLady]

I personally run, run, run from anything that looks like a get-rich-quick scheme.  Is he willing to put a time limit on how much he works or how long he'll pursue this before he stops?  Or is he willing to cut money out of somewhere else to finance this dream so you can get paid help?  Millionaire Next Door is a great book, will second it. 

 

 

I answered this in another post (as you were posting this), but no, there's no time limit.  And I wouldn't say he's not willing to cut money, but he thinks we have none to cut.  We do, he just likes to hold onto as much as possible.  He claims he's making up the $100/month in other ways, but he's not.

[SpecialClassical]

He wants to go on vacations twice a year to see the world, he wants a nice, big house, and he wants our children's education to be the best we can afford. I know there was more, but I can't remember what they were at the moment. After I heard about the maid I sort of tuned out.

Maybe I missed it, but if you can afford the $100 for the business, could you afford another $100 or even $50 for cleaning or babysitting help? I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to support your dream of raising children in a less stressful environment while he is consumed with this business. Also, I'm sure he cares about the children, but could he commit to turning off the phone/computer for just 10 minutes a day per child? He could focus one on one with the child with NO distractions. Even 20 minutes playing with all of them would be beneficial. Investing attention in his family will give him bigger rewards if he makes that money. If he doesn't have a relationship with them, all the money in the world won't get buy that.

[Annie G]

Maybe it starts with making your own dream board and showing him. His things appear to focus on things money can buy- would yours focus more on time with family? (Which can be costly if it involves world travel or it can be inexpensive if it just involves doing things together)

 

I totally get that he wants to follow his dream, and I would encourage you to support that- to a point- and that point is where it interferes with your dream.  When the two collide, compromises have to be made or someone is going to end up being resentful. 

 

 

[Dandelion]

Being "supportive" in the way your DH wants you to be in this situation is harmful to your kids, your marriage, and ultimately your DH.

 

I would sit down with him and tell him the positives you shared with us here (you love that he's a go-getter, has dreams, etc.), but let him know in no uncertain terms that you and the kids have needs that are going unmet as a result of this situation.  Tell him you want to support him, but the family's needs come first.  

 

The time he spends on this business is taking him away from the kids, which only exacerbates the situation for you (since you've already asked for more help, and are now in fact getting even less).  Come to an agreement with him on (1) a certain amount of time he will spend with the kids each day before he works on the business, and (2) getting some help for you (e.g. a mother's helper).  

 

Personally, I would be honest with him about the risks and low success rates of MLMs (I can't imagine that your DH isn't already aware of this).  I wouldn't just keep my mouth shut on that issue.  If this were my DH, I'd be trying hard to steer him towards something else with better odds.

 

But, if your kids' needs and your needs are being met (per the two points above), and you can still afford the $100 per month for the business, then that puts you in a much better place from which to support your DH.   :grouphug:

[Mom-ninja.]

Well, to answer your question honestly of how I act supportive when I don't support something is that I don't act like I support it. I just don't. I'm honest with my dh. I tell him how it is. Some call this brutal honesty and I call it reality.

 

When one gets married and has a family then one has to face reality and realize that some dreams have to either be let go or set aside for now. That's life. I gave up a lot of my dreams when I married and decided to have kids. It doesn't mean I'm not happy. I could allow myself to wallow in self pity and the unfairness at it all, but I choose not to.

 

The same goes for my dh. There are things he'd like to do that are just not going to happen.

 

His dreams (and mine) have to jive with our family life and each other.

 

It is selfish to pursue one's dreams when it negatively impacts one's spouse or kids especially when the spouse is not on board. In my opinion it's an immature person who pulls the "You're Ruining My Dream" card when the spouse voices dissatisfaction or disagreement.

 

One of my dh's dreams is to climb Kilimanjaro. Nope. Sorry. Ain't gonna happen. Cause you know what one of my nightmares is? Raising my children without their father. My nightmare trumps his dream. He is not putting his life at risk to climb a mountain. Yes, I realize he can die any day from say a car accident. However, he respects me and my anxiety enough to not push the issue.

 

There's also the money factor. He simply can not in good conscious spend money on a dream when I am not on board. He and I must agree on financial decisions.

 

If dh tries to do something that I'm not okay with I have no problem telling him my reasons and you can be sure that I will point out any hypocrisy, double standard, unfairness, or negative impacts I notice.

 

I'm all about open, honest communication without sugar coating. I'm blunt. Dh still adores me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What is most concerning to me is that he seems to control all the money.  

[snickerplum]

 

 

But, if your kids' needs and your needs are being met (per the two points above), and you can still afford the $100 per month for the business, then that puts you in a much better place from which to support your DH.   :grouphug:

 

This.

If it were me, I'd ask him in what ways he'd like to feel supported by me. In turn I'd bring up ways that the family and I need support from him and try to show him (in a kind way) that when my needs and the children's needs are met that it puts me in a better place to show support. Not in a blackmailing way (you didn't help with the kids tonight so I'm going to be snarky), but let's all be honest - many times we feel it's easier to do something for someone else when we feel our needs and desires have been taken care of. Just how we are. And you might be surprised by what makes him feel supported. Just an idea.

I hope it goes well for you!

My husband has taken on a large commitment at church - one that requires a great deal of support from other church members. He's not getting that help like he should, so I get frustrated with them, not him, but I know sometimes it comes off as unsupportive. It can be hard.

 

[Ellie]

He joined a direct-sales company that he has to pay $100 a month to be in? That's just crazy.

 

You can remind him that when he's home with you and the children, he needs to *be with you and the children.* There has to be some time off.

[Moxie]

It sounds like you don't work together on the family budget--time and money. You need to sit down with him and come up with limits on how much time and money he can spend on this dream. I'd also spend some time on Pink Truth. Very very very few people make money on MLM. He'd do better with a different dream. No way would I support this one.

[KungFuPanda]

Pin him down to a REAL dollar amount that he is prepared to lose. I'm serious. Get him to agree to "When I have LOST $10,000 I promise to quit 'the business' without a protest." Then, keep careful records of gains/loses. Deduct gas, fees, the cost of conventions, his dining out at these things, even babysitting because you have lost a co-parent. He WILL hit that amount and you need a written commitment in place.

 

I have a friend in @CN. She has drunk the kool-aid. She is CONVINCED it will pay off. She has spent SO much on dues and traveling to conventions. This is a woman who escaped from @mway and should know better! I'm beginning to believe that they prey on addictive personalities and that these MLM businesses are the same as gambling or alcohol addiction. Her real job suffers because of her level of obsession. Her relationships suffer because she's trying to sell people services or she talks incessantly about 'working the business.' It's cult-like.

[MBM]

Instead of spending time working for the MLM company, your husband could study investing and invest the $100 each month. You don't need a business degree, just the gumption to learn. Your husband sounds motivated enough to do it.

[FriedClams]

One thing that really helped us with resentment over hobbies and projects was to set up an allowance fund. We each get a set amount every month direct deposited into a small checking account. We can use it for anything we want. I love crafts, scrapbooking, etc. so I use it for that (and not annoy him). Any purchase for that stuff other than from my "account" - we talk about. I think if you set up an account - he gets $100 and you get the same to use as you see fit - it might help. That way, it's his allowance to spend as he sees fit. It also can help him limit an extra spending on the MLM.

 

FWIW, I have a friend in a MLM and she's done really well. I don't think millions, but certainly lots of trips and fun stuff.

[zoobie]

Pin him down to a REAL dollar amount that he is prepared to lose. I'm serious. Get him to agree to "When I have LOST $10,000 I promise to quit 'the business' without a protest." Then, keep careful records of gains/loses. Deduct gas, fees, the cost of conventions, his dining out at these things, even babysitting because you have lost a co-parent. He WILL hit that amount and you need a written commitment in place.

 

I have a friend in @CN. She has drunk the kool-aid. She is CONVINCED it will pay off. She has spent SO much on dues and traveling to conventions. This is a woman who escaped from @mway and should know better! I'm beginning to believe that they prey on addictive personalities and that these MLM businesses are the same as gambling or alcohol addiction. Her real job suffers because of her level of obsession. Her relationships suffer because she's trying to sell people services or she talks incessantly about 'working the business.' It's cult-like.

AND keep track of the hours of thought, time he puts into it. Put a dollar value on that. If he could be making $50/hr at his real job, but he's spending time on plus plus you're spending $10/hr on a babysitter, that's $60/hr investment/loss.

[HappyLady]

Maybe I missed it, but if you can afford the $100 for the business, could you afford another $100 or even $50 for cleaning or babysitting help? I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to support your dream of raising children in a less stressful environment while he is consumed with this business. Also, I'm sure he cares about the children, but could he commit to turning off the phone/computer for just 10 minutes a day per child? He could focus one on one with the child with NO distractions. Even 20 minutes playing with all of them would be beneficial. Investing attention in his family will give him bigger rewards if he makes that money. If he doesn't have a relationship with them, all the money in the world won't get buy that.

 

 

See, the way he plays it is he's "saving" us the $100/month by not spending that money on food.  I'm afraid to say the name of the company, but in order to keep his "status" he has to "sell" so much stuff.  When you're first starting out you can buy their meal replacement until others start buying from you, then you don't have to do that (but he still will).  So he thinks he's not really spending that $100, but he's purchased some other items from them (equally hundreds of dollars) because he "has to know the product."

 

I try to subtly tell him that the kids want his attention (like when they're standing right next to him saying, "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad").    :glare:  But he's just obsessed.  I don't want to say he pays NO attention to them, but I've honestly watched him "play" with them while checking his phone at the same time.  He's always been like that, though.  The other day we took the kids to a children's museum.  In the first hour I counted him in his phone 5 times.  I said something to him and he got mad and asked what it mattered because the kids were playing.  I already can't stand that people are connected to the internet 24/7 with their devices and this just makes it worse for me.

[HappyLady]

What is his dream Dad role? His dream Husband role?

 

 

I'm guessing that falls under taking us on vacations and buying us a nicer home - ?

[CupOCoffee]

Sigh.  I have seen the pursuit of "the dream" completely ruin my ILs financially.  They have joined every imaginable MLM under the sun; have squandered (literally) hundreds of thousands of dollars over the past 18 years.  And for what?  Their home is in foreclosure, they have not ONE PENNY left of a retirement package of almost three quarters of a million dollars (yes you read that right), have to beg-borrow-steal to pay for anything.

 

I would sit my husband down and have a SERIOUS talk with him about all this.  You've gotten a lot of good input here from the others, but I just wanted to add a personal note for true perspective of endlessly pursuing that "million dollar opportunity".  The bigger house, the fancy vacations, the maid service, the THINGS....they are always just out of reach with these schemes, NOT "just around the corner" as they all promise.

 

~coffee~

[HappyLady]

What is most concerning to me is that he seems to control all the money.  

 

 

He honestly doesn't, but he's a tight-wad.  I have to even push him to take our annual trip to Florida to see HIS family!  And it's not that he doesn't want to go, he just doesn't want to spend the money.  In a way, it's been good because we were able to put a good chunk of money down on our house and pay for everything in it with cash, and we have no CC debt, but it's frustrating at times as well.

[Caribbean Queen]

And telling him to quit isn't an option because then he'll tell me I didn't let him follow his dream.  Following his dreams is very important to him.

He needs to stop following this dream.  This isn't time for approving love.  It's time for some tough love. 

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

what would happen if you said,

 

"i think you are mixing up me supporting the dream, and me supporting the method you've chosen for getting there.  i love that you have a dream, and drive and dedication.  i don't love direct marketing because (insert three main reasons here).  i don't love how it changes our relationships with our friends and family, how it seems to dominate our lives.  etc. etc.  did you consider any other ways of reaching your goal?  could we do that together over the next two weeks?  and then if we don't find another way, i'm willing to try this for six months/a year under the condition that you spend equal time on the business and with the family.  and i'd like to set aside time to talk about my dreams, and about our mutual dream for our family.  you need to hear me say i don't want a maid; i want a husband who plays with his kids while his phone is in the bedroom, not with him.  i don't want a large house; i want a happy home."  or whatever is true for you.  and i need to hear you talk about how you are going to balance work and direct marketing and family and wife."

 

but if he is an experiencial learning, then just getting him to tell you how and when he will know whether its working or not may be the best you can hope for.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

 

 

[happyhomemaker]

I agree with a PP that he needs to decide on an amount that he is willing to lose and then make him promise to stop after that amount has been reached. Otherwise this will go on forever. Unfortunately I've seen it happen and the results are not pretty.

 

I also think that if you have the money, go ahead and get the help you have been asking for. Tell him your dream is not to be so overworked. He gets money per month to follow a dream you don't approve of- you should be able to do the same.

[elegantlion]

If he's in the honeymoon stage of this business, there isn't much you can do to dissuade him. My concern if you bring up him not supporting extra $ for your needs, is that he'll try to remind you how wonderful things will be once he "makes it" in the business. 

 

Having been involved in MLM for a while, I have some good memories. We had fun, we traveled with groups, we bought things we wanted from our business, but...a lot of this was done at the expense of what we needed then, a lot of delayed gratification talk (which can be good), this was more about delayed living. We also didn't have a child then, so it was different. However, there are a lot of thing we put off and we never succeeded in the business, so we ended up not doing a lot of things in my 20s that I wanted to do because we'd set it up so far on shelf, to be done once we made it big. 

 

Your kids aren't going to be around in your home forever, if you need help now, waiting until/if he succeeds isn't going to help. That's a very hard sentiment to convey when the honeymoon phase is in full swing. 

 

Personally, I would try to build him up. Tell him how well he's done until now, that he's a good provider, etc. I find a lot of men have way different ideas about what financial success means to them vs. what it means to their wives. 

[Barb_]

When the pursuit of more money becomes more important than spending time and money on the people you love, it's not a dream anymore. It's a greed, compulsion, self indulgence, or some combination of the above. What you are describing doesn't sound healthy. It sounds like your husband is completely preoccupied by money to the point that it's harming his relationships. If your husband had a gambling addiction, trying to hit it big, you'd likely see your role differently. MLM is just a step removed from gambling. Both institutions rely on vulnerable people like your husband to keep them afloat.

[Jane in NC]

(This thread needs a musical accompaniment:  Harry Chapin's Cats in the Cradle.)

 

The problem with being brutally honest, OP, is that he will say you are being negative.  I do think other posters had good ideas on encouraging his positive qualities.  But I do think he needs to hear that his MLM hobby is his hobby--not his family's hobby.  His family needs his time and attention too.

 

 

[6packofun]

Pin him down to a REAL dollar amount that he is prepared to lose. I'm serious. Get him to agree to "When I have LOST $10,000 I promise to quit 'the business' without a protest." Then, keep careful records of gains/loses. Deduct gas, fees, the cost of conventions, his dining out at these things, even babysitting because you have lost a co-parent. He WILL hit that amount and you need a written commitment in place.

 

I like this advice.  It only works if she has ACCESS to this information, though, so getting to that page is absolutely necessary!  If he can't even get there, then your "support" should be non-existent. 

[zoobie]

See, the way he plays it is he's "saving" us the $100/month by not spending that money on food.  I'm afraid to say the name of the company, but in order to keep his "status" he has to "sell" so much stuff.  When you're first starting out you can buy their meal replacement until others start buying from you, then you don't have to do that (but he still will).  So he thinks he's not really spending that $100, but he's purchased some other items from them (equally hundreds of dollars) because he "has to know the product."

 

I try to subtly tell him that the kids want his attention (like when they're standing right next to him saying, "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad").    :glare:  But he's just obsessed.  I don't want to say he pays NO attention to them, but I've honestly watched him "play" with them while checking his phone at the same time.  He's always been like that, though.  The other day we took the kids to a children's museum.  In the first hour I counted him in his phone 5 times.  I said something to him and he got mad and asked what it mattered because the kids were playing.  I already can't stand that people are connected to the internet 24/7 with their devices and this just makes it worse for me.

 

Obsessed with ANYTHING is bad. Sounds like he's got an addictive personality and is addicted to the excitement of the MLM scheme and his smartphone. Marriage and family therapist will help define healthy boundaries for you both and foster actual communication. 

[Susan in TX]

You can't be supportive if you aren't. Pretending that you are is just being dishonest. You need to tell your dh how you feel about the whole thing in a calm, unemotional way and then just leave it. If he chooses to continue, dispite your feelings, that's his decision and there isn't much you can do about it. You just get on with your life and make the best of it, or you make the decision that this is a deal breaker and you file for divorce. There is nothing to be gained by being negative, or complaining about the situation once you have clearly told him how you feel, but that doesn't mean you have to be supportive either.

 

You may also want to consider marriage counseling.

 

:grouphug:

 

Susan in TX

[Tammyla]

:iagree: with the poster who is concerned that you aren't working as team with your family and finances, and that he seems to be 100% in control.

Have you considered counseling from counselor or clergy.

[songsparrow]

I think what you need is more balance.  Right now, your relationship is not in a healthy balance.  He says you're not supporting his dream, but he's not supporting you, either.  So I would ask for:

 

1.  An equal allowance financially.  If he spends $100 per month on his dream, then you get $100 per month to spend on your choice of needs - e.g., babysitter, housesitting, etc.  

 

2.  A better balance of time.  He agrees to limit his time working on the business to x hours per week, and he agrees to spend x hours per week with you and/or the children in which he is present and actively engaged (and during which there is no talking about the business!)  This could be family time you all spend together, time when he cares for the kids and you get time to yourself, and/or date time - structure it according to your needs.  

[Catwoman]

You're basically trying to figure out how to do damage control now that there is a big problem, but I keep wondering how and why your dh ever even got involved in this business without discussing it with you and coming to an agreement with you about it.

 

Bean, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you're too nice. You put up with too much garbage from too many people. I have seen it in your other threads. You seem to feel that you don't matter enough to tell other people what you really think, and you worry too much about hurting other people's feelings -- completely discounting the importance of the fact that people are hurting your feelings and not taking your needs into consideration.

 

I really think you need to work on your own self-esteem and start telling your husband what you want and need -- and find a way to make him realize that you're not whining or kidding or just in a bad mood, but that you truly will no longer tolerate being in a position where you aren't in control, and where you aren't a 50/50 partner in your marriage.

 

I'm sure it sounds a little odd to hear that you should get tough and start thinking of yourself for a change and demanding what you want and need, but being so sweet and accommodating (while being angry or hurt inside) isn't helping you.

[marbel]

I wonder if there's something missing here.  Or maybe I missed a comment about this.

 

OP, how are his relational skills?  How much does he actually enjoy spending time with the kids?   Maybe he is simply not interested in them.   He seems to be interested in buying them things - travel, big house, education - but maybe he doesn't get any enjoyment out of just being their dad who hangs out with them. 

 

You can demand he spend more time with the family but if he doesn't want to, or doesn't see value in it, he's just going to be resentful and the kids will know that.  (Thanks for the pp for the Cats in the Cradle reference; I was thinking the same thing.)   Retirement homes are full of people who have tons of money but no kids coming to visit. 

 

I agree with pps who suggest counseling though I suspect he will not agree to it.  You could get some for yourself though. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[gardenmom5]

can you make a compromise about time limits?  give it a certain amount of time, he give a certain amount of time to the kids?  can he read them stories or take them outside to play catch?

it might do well to remind him it doesn't matter how much he makes if his kids don't know him, and come to not want to spend time with a dad who ignores them.  one day they will be grown-ups and the ability to know them will be more difficult.  what is more important to him?

 

:grouphug:

[Alicia64]

Has he ever read the book The Millionaire Next Door? It might be worthwhile for him.

 

We read this book when it first came out -- AWESOME book! AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME.

 

Alley

[HappyCrazyMama]

I don't support something I'm not supportive of. I used to try to tow that line but no longer. I would say, "good luck!" and my support would end there. My husband gets a lot of random ideas (inventions NOT MLMs, lol), he's welcome to try them if they won't bankrupt us (and he's way more conservative with money than I so it's not a concern I have). I have been his cheerleader in the past for his crazy ideas, we are no further ahead and he is no happier and I don't do that anymore.