S/O: Have your parents ever charged you room and board?

[zoobie]

I haven't lived with them since I left for college. If I needed to move in with them now with my 3 children, there would be some dire freaking circumstances and room and board wouldn't be topping the list of concerns. ;)

[idnib]

No. It's absolutely inconceivable in our culture. I'm in my 40s with 2 kids and I could go back for free even today. No one would even bring it up. Would I work and help out? Absolutely.

 

It's about being in a tribe. You just belong to it and you pitch in, but you're born in and nothing can change that. You're forever a part of it and always have people to help and support you.

[freesia]

I never had to but my brother did. My parents deal was that you could live with them for a few months without paying room and board. After a few months, if you hadn't found somewhere else to live, you paid a small amount. College students were permitted to stay on vacations without paying, too.

[Mandylubug]

After highschool, if I was going to school full time, I could stay rent free. If I chose to work fulltime, I had to show my plan of action to become self sufficient and move out. I paid for all my cars, insurance and extra activities since I was 15 so it wasn't weird to me. I just happened to marry before I finished college so, I never paid anything. I had the hope scholarship in GA that paid most of my tuition. My parents matched what I paid for college so if books were 500 they reimbursed me half. They wanted me to own my college ambitions and not just do it because they wanted me to go.

[AmyontheFarm]

I've heard of a family that charged their children r&b from the time they were 16 or had a part time job, it wasn't much at first like $5/week.  This money was put away and given back to the children when they got married as a down payment on their first home.  The children didn't know this was going to happen so it was a huge surprise for the kids and taught them to be careful with their $$ when they were younger and they appreciated it when they had a few thousand saved up and could use it for their first house.

[Dory]

My parents charged my brothers room and board if they stayed after they graduated from high school. They would've done the same with me if I had been at home but I left home as soon as I could.

[Truscifi]

My parents would charge me room/board if I moved back in with them for something other than a short term due-to-emergency type situation.  For example, if something happened to dh I could stay with them until I figured things out, got a job, whatever.  But if I wanted to stay after a few months, yes I would be expected to help cover expenses.  Now, it would likely still be far less than the cost of a house or apartment plus utilities.

[Jan in SC]

My parents never charged anything. If we ever had a need now, they wouldn't charge anything. They would probably help us buy something or pay for an apartment if it was a long term need.

 

I can't imagine charging my children.

[Mommy22alyns]

I paid rent when I was 15.  Of course, my mom was a narcissist...  IS.  She IS a narcissist.

[swellmomma]

Yes.  Starting the day after the last day of grade 12.  I had turned 18 2 weeks before and had not applied for/had not planned to attend college the coming september.  I was charged $700 per month in rent, plus the $200 a month I paid in transportation to and from work, plus my own expenses.  I only made $1000 a month.  In addition to that, I had to have a 10pm curfew, was still given "chore cards" with the kids, was expected to babysit my brother without notice or pay, was not allowed to have people over without my folks right there, I was not allowed to buy my own food to eat at home unless I bought enough for everyone (my folks did not have the same rule for themselves though).  So I often ate away from home because I could not eat what they were serving without getting ill.  I moved out 6 months later.  My rent with room mate with $250 a month, plus 1/2 utilities (heat and water were included so we only paid phone and power), I was closer to work so transportation was less, and I had freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted. 

I moved back home at 19.5 to attend college, I was tossed out again 2 semesters in when I told my mom I was 5 weeks pregnant. So I was homeless and a college student, she said I could only move back if I had an abortion, I didn't, I moved in with my then exboyfriend and father of said baby.  That man is now my exhusband.  When I moved back I was expected to pay room and board, and had to take out student loans to pay for school so that my working income could pay the room and board.  I dropped out after I finished the semester I was in when I got pg, I started having complications and couldn't go back when I delivered prematurily on the first day of the next semester. 

 

My mom specifically (dad still gives me what I want freely, mom will give me a "gift" and then add it to her total of what I "owe" them, some gift eh), wanted it both ways.  Me being made to pay bills and be an adult while still keeping me under her thumb.  It backfired.  She tried even after I moved out to do that, heck she tries it now.  Only now there is grandkids in the picture who see the game she plays (I have never said a word to them about it, they see it) and have started telling her they don't want to see her if she treats me this way.  She is trying really hard in recent months to change her ways in order to still have contact with 4 of her 5 grandchildren(nephew is golden grandchild so that was never an issue with him). 

So yeah room/board/rent can work in some cases to teach whatever lesson, in my case it pushed me away from my family faster than ever

 

ETA: when I left my husband after he hit me, I was not even then allowed to move back into their home.  My house could burn to the ground and I would not be welcome.  She has flat out told me, so charging rent is not an issue any more.  SHe has said I am an adult now and need to figure these things out.  So when I left my ex I got and apt and job over the phone in my hometime and had a place to move to when we left, but I spent that month still in the home scared of what might happen before we actually moved away, since we had no other place to go.  I could never imagine putting my children and grandchildren through that, letting them be homeless than offer them a chance to get back on their feet.  Yet my sister, bil and nephew lived there for 6 months when their house sold but the one they were building was delayed, they have a take home of around 9K a month but my mom didn't want them to have to pay out rent somewhere for only 6 months.  Go figure, the poor mom escaping abuse can't have a place to crash for a couple months, but the rich couple building a home can.  Yeah that helped fix that wedge and bitterness *eyeroll*

[Spryte]

I moved out of my parents' house the day I graduated from HS.  I was 17.  Never lived with a parent after that.  Not sure if they'd have charged room and board.  My mother probably would not have, as long as I was in school.  My other parents (father and SM)... No idea.  Living with them was not an option.  I guess I'd have to say that they'd have charged room and board.

 

As long as our kids are in school and being productive, I don't foresee charging them room and board.

[SKL]

Oh yeah, I absolutely had childcare duties and chores when I lived in my parents' home.  I was 9 and 12 when my youngest brother and sister were born.  I always had to take turns or primary responsibility for feeding them, changing and cleaning out their cloth diapers, babysitting, etc., in addition to having most of the physical domestic chores.  (For a while I was responsible for cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms and doing all the laundry for our family of 8, among other things.  While in school full time and working part-time.)  I was the oldest daughter, and a mellow person - least likely to rebel against being told what to do (though I didn't always like doing it!).  I used to resent it as a kid, but I came to appreciate the experience when I saw how many other young adults were clueless about domestic engineering.  ;)  The chores would be reduced if I worked and paid r & b.

[Guest]

No.  Not even after I moved out of an abusive marriage at 21 and brought a 2 yr old with me.  I worked full time, so I helped with utilities and paid my mother to babysit.  I helped with grocery costs as well.  But they never asked for rent.  Every one of us has moved back home at some point, and as long as we helped out with our groceries, household chores, etc, they gladly welcomed us home.

[strange_girl]

Maybe it's because I live up here in frozen Yankee land, or something else, but I'm shocked at the number of people who were never charged rent. Seriously?

 

I paid rent starting at 17 or 18. It was something like $100 a month I think. I had two jobs, had zero interest in going to college, and I also bought my own car, paid car insurance, bought extra groceries and all my own clothes. How is that terrible?

 

I paid rent for 5-6 years, until I was 22 and married DH.

 

If my kids want to stay home after graduation, they're welcome, but they'll contribute something to the household. Yep, it is their home...so they can help out like everyone else.

[higginszoo]

I paid my parents something like $100 or $150 a month when I had graduated from college, but was still living with them.  For that, I got a bedroom, food, and use of a car, including insurance.  All I had to pay for were clothes and gas.  I also was responsible for cleaning the hall bathroom and shuttling my teenage brother and my Marine brother who was stationed nearby around as my work schedule permitted.  I also cooked dinner for the family a couple of nights per week.  I had a job -- first as a materials tester, and then as an office temp.    It was a much better deal than if I would have had to do on my own.  My dh lived in a boarding house -- paid similar just for room -- he paid for food, his parents still took care of his car insurance, I think.  We knew that this was temporary while dh was in grad school.  Afterward, we got married and moved in to our own apartment.  

[mom2scouts]

I lived at college right after college (except in summer) and got married at age 20, so I wasn't living at home enough to pay rent.  My dh, however, graduated from college and moved back to his parent's house for the seven months before our marriage. His very well off parents made him pay room and board *and* he spent many of his evenings doing yardwork, painting, and other work for them.

 

My own son is 18 and I will not make him pay room and board while he is going to school, but I am angry that he doesn't do anything to help around the house and conveniently is gone as much as possible (with his rude girlfriend who seems to think we should do everything for him and expect nothing from him, but that's another story).

[beezus]

I never paid rent to my parents, but I only lived there a couple summers after graduating from high school.  As long as I was going to college, they were fine with helping me out for a short time by letting me live at their place.  I did help out with cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry, so I don't think I was a complete drain on resources.   I appreciated them allowing me to save a few rent dollars during the summer so I could apply the money from my minimum wage jobs toward school.  My parents were not rich, but lived a comfortable life and had a big house with plenty of room, so I don't think they were too worried about it.  I wouldn't have expected to live there rent-free indefinitely though. 

[TravelingChris]

I had all these plans that kids would either be in college or working after high school.  What I didn't plan and didn't know would be that I would have kids who got very serious medical issues in early adulthood.  We are just very fortunate that the oldest has been doing much better, was able to maintain a job for well over a year and has been requested to go work again (but at a higher salary and better job).   We are also praying that our older dd will actually get better enough to go back to college.   She is the one who started college, did extremely well, and then started passing out and it progressed over time to seizing many times a day.   Well after more than a year of this, more like a year and a half, she was finally found to have an autoimmune reaction to gluten which is very, very rare and instead of causing stomach issues, and such like the much more common celiac, she has the form which causes brain damage.  However, her seizures have almost completely stopped since she stopped eating gluten and her thinking is much better.  It has only been a month so we hope that she continues to improve and improve enough to go back to college.  She wants to get her degree.

[LibraryLover]

I would not charge my hard-working student rent. Living at home is saving all of us money if the offspring is a full time student. If they had a job, I would want them to bank it, use  to pay for books, and their entertainment.  

 

A slacker? different answer. :)

[regentrude]

No. My parents would NEVER charge room and board. It is not custom in my family and seems absolutely inconceivable to me.

 

I lived at home while going to college and moved out when I was 22 (socialist country, government regulated housing market - don't even ask. I was on the high priority wait list for four years.)

My sister lived at home while going to college and being a single mom. She moved out when she was 23 and her daughter 5, and my parents supported her financially while she finished medical school. Which we all considered normal.

 

(I lived with my entire family of four with my parents for a few weeks when i was between countries.)

 

If any of my children were going to college in town, I would not charge them either. That is not our family culture.

 

Btw, my grandmother lived with us when we were growing up. Do the people who advocate charging one's kids think my parents should have charged her rent as well?

 

 

[LazyDazy]

Other. I paid for basic necessities prior to 18, several years before, in fact. Not because my mother requested it but, because she needed it after the divorce. I could not stand by while she struggled to keep our family "above water" while I was stockpiling savings for college, so I helped her. I provided for all of my own expenses (clothing, car, gas, food, school fees, personal care, etc). I also brought food home and once in awhile gave money to siblings.

 

Siblings of mine did move back in or stay after high school and she never charged them a thing. I plan to be the parent who allows "linger-ers" and "bounce back-ers" to stay free of charge.

[LibraryLover]

Too many people are low income, and I understand why some families have to pool all of their resources to survive.

[LizzyBee]

I always tell my kids they can live at home rent-free as long as they are going to school, including college and summers between semesters.  If they are working (and not going to school), they will need to pay rent.  I would not charge much, just enough to cover the costs of having an extra adult living at home.  I also wouldn't charge for short term stays between moves, jobs, etc.  My goal would be to save the rent they pay in a separate bank account to use as a gift at a later time.  The best use of a grown child's rent money I've ever heard of was when the parents gave their son the money for a wedding gift and the couple used it for a down payment on a house.

[Lady Florida.]

I voted well after 18, and it happened twice. The first time was when I moved back to Florida from Atlanta after a difficult break-up of a difficult relationship. I was kind of falling apart emotionally. I couldn't find a teaching job, and ended up with something completely out of my profession. I didn't start paying until I found a job, and she didn't charge me any "back rent" once I did start working. I also pitched it with housework and the care of my ailing grandmother, who was living with her by that time.

 

The second time was with dh when ds was 2-1/2. We sold our other house, but had not yet found this one. The buyers couldn't wait and wanted to close and move in right away. We couldn't find any place to rent month-to-month and didn't want to get tied down with a lease. My mother was working then, as was dh. Since I was the only one not working (and not yet homeschooling since ds was just a toddler) I did the housework, laundry, and most of the cooking, in addition to us paying her room and board. Like me, my mother liked to cook, so we shared that responsibility.

 

In neither of the above situations did she demand room and board, but it just seemed to both her and I (and dh in the 2nd instance) the right thing to do. We sat and discussed the bills and came up with a reasonable amount. Oh, and she didn't have cable, but dh wanted Directv, so we installed a dish and paid for the service while we lived there.

[idnib]

To all the people who would charge their kids to stay at home and for other expenses:

 

Would you expect to pay rent if you stayed with them in your later years? I don't mean pitch and and help with tasks and groceries, I mean pay actual rent to your children with perhaps a written agreement. Would you expect to have chores assigned to you, pay for gas if they took you anywhere, give them a cut of the money you made from teaching a knitting class because they dropped you off, pay separately for a dish in a restaurant because you wanted something different, etc.

 

And if you paid this rent, would you be excited when it turned out that had saved this rent for you all along and now you had a tidy sum saved up just for you, that you might someday have access to?

[Murphy101]

 Btw, my grandmother lived with us when we were growing up. Do the people who advocate charging one's kids think my parents should have charged her rent as well?

Maybe. Usually for grandparents, they help offset things in ways other than financial. Free babysitting or house upkeep or whatever.

 

When my mother came to live with me towards her end battle with cancer, I was 22 with 2 kids under 2 and a dh who couldn't hold a steady job for health reasons. (The 2 year period during which I had our second and my mother died, he had 18 jobs to file taxes on. :( ) I never even thought to charge her and my dad (who didnt come with her, but visited every other weekend) even tho we had to borrow money for rent from others twice. My in laws were really pissed about it. They flat out said I shouldn't have to take care of her.

 

There is a world of difference between expecting an able bodied person to contribute to the household (be it money or labor or whatever) and demanding an unable bodied person do so.

[Murphy101]

If I or we were to move in with my kids in old age, should we be so lucky as to grow old, I wouldn't mind agreeing to terms first and think it might help them out to know what they can count on from me on a regular basis.

 

If I am able bodied and of sound mind, I would prefer to state up front what our expectations are. Sure I might not mind babysitting for free, but my mil would get extremely upset if she had to babysit for free to stay with us. If paying them rent helps them and me, why not? Wouldn't it make budgeting easier for them and I?

 

If my dad comes to live with me, which I doubt as he is determined to drop dead in his pickup truck, I wouldn't expect or ask for rent, but I would expect him to do odd maintenance about the house for free. Probably without asking. He needs purpose and can't stand being still for long. But truth is, I know my dad would prefer to pay me a little bit whoever the mood strikes him or a set rent. HE would push for that. Not me. And if it made having him live here easier for all of us? Fine. Whatever.

[abba12]

I was charged rent when I began making an income. Rent was a percentage of my income. If I had stayed a student there wouldn't have been any rent. It seems fair enough to me, why should I have lots of money to spend on personal stuff while my parents are struggling to make ends meet and giving me free food and transport etc. It was not absurd, I think it averaged about a third of my part time income after tax.

 

In regards to parents moving in with kids and rent... If my dad moved in with me while able bodied and capable, HE would INSIST on paying rent.

 

A grandparent can offer things other than money. Chores, babysitting, advice and wisdom. I know my grandparents, if they moved in, would do more than their fair share, by their own choice (this is a real possibility in the next few years for us) Grandad would be out in the yard, grandma would want to cook and babysit.

 

A grandparent or parent who is no longer capable or needs care, to me, would be in the same category as a child. They are unable to be independent any longer and need care within the family unit just like a child. No rent would be charged just like I wouldn't charge rent to my 3 year old.

[Murphy101]

I don't get it. I wouldn't be upset if my kid told me, "hey Ma, I think you teaching crochet is a great idea but its really out of my way and extra gas to take you and pick you up. Could you maybe help me out with that?"

 

If everyone at the dinner is ordering a family self-serving and I want whatever and a glass of wine, I'd have absolutely no problem paying for the dish I want and my own wine.

 

What's wrong with everyone sitting down and saying what chores they are willing and able to do and then having those chores?

 

Why would giving money as they feel like it be okay but having an agreement would be bad?

 

What do ya'll have against being organized, budgets, and planning ahead? *confused* :)

 

Again. I don't think this has anything to do with what is being asked/done, but with HOW.

 

If my son waits until after my crochet class pays me, they puts his hand out and says, "Hey give me ___% because I brought you!"

 

Um yeah. What an donkey bum I would have raised. I'd be hurt and upset.

 

If before I set the class up, I tell my kid, "I'm thinking of starting a crochet class bc I love crocheting and thought a bit of extra money would help around here. Would you be able/willing to drop off and pick up on blank days and times?"

 

Sure Mom! But hey we're paycheck to paycheck here, could you help a bit with gas or something for taxi service? :)

 

Sure son. You want gas money or would you rather I just pay for Junior's music lessons?

 

What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. I wouldn't be hurt or upset or feel taken advantage of. I'd be glad to help.

[regentrude]

Too many people are low income, and I understand why some families have to pool all of their resources to survive.

 

I understand, but wouldn't one simply contribute in such a case anyway, without being "charged"?

Just like it is normal for us to support our parents-in-law financially because it is needed - that's just what family do.

[regentrude]

A grandparent or parent who is no longer capable or needs care, to me, would be in the same category as a child. They are unable to be independent any longer and need care within the family unit just like a child. No rent would be charged just like I wouldn't charge rent to my 3 year old.

 

but the comparison is not quite accurate since the 3 y/o does not have any income - but the grandparent might have quite a nice pension or savings. Would that change your philosophy?

 

[regentrude]

Would you expect to pay rent if you stayed with them in your later years? ...

 

And if you paid this rent, would you be excited when it turned out that had saved this rent for you all along and now you had a tidy sum saved up just for you, that you might someday have access to?

 

LOL. that would be extremely patronizing, wouldn't it? I wonder whether it comes across like that to young adults as well... or whether they are just excited to get cash.

[nd293]

Other: I was 19yrs old, and had my first job as a bank clerk, and I paid for my share of the rent, the cleaner etc.

 

It was without doubt the best gift my mother ever gave me, along with having an investment guy come in and set up a monthly investment/saving policy for me. When I later moved in with a boyfriend who had a good job that was already covering rental and utilities, we didn't both start to spend more on luxuries, instead he kept paying for basics and I put a chunk of my salary into a joint savings account as my 'contribution'. The plan was to split it if we broke up, instead we got married and it went towards simple wedding, honeymoon and house deposit. And we kept on living like that: when dh got a payout after changing jobs, that money went in full into the mortgage. When we lived as expats we had the shabbiest houses and ate out the least and travelled the most frugally - and saved and saved and saved.

 

Thanks Mom for the life lessons!

[Joanne]

I never moved back in with my parents after college. During college, I was not expected to pay. I did eventually live with my sister and her husband. I paid regularly for groceries/meals out and handled my own stuff such as car insurance, etc.

 

I will not expect full time college students of mine to pay. I *will* expect a working adult to pay for their own cell phone, toiletries, clothes, gas, transportation, insurance, etc.

[Wheres Toto]

I started contributing to household expenses when I started working at 16.  It wasn't to teach me any lesson, it was because we were totally broke and the money was really needed.

 

I went away to college (mom and loans paid for) for 3 semesters.  Came home, worked and paid rent again.  Moved out when married ex.  Moved back in when I divorced and was not charged any rent at that time (I was working and going to school).

 

[SKL]

Cultural differences here are interesting.  Once I dated a rather conservative Asian man.  We got close enough that I told him I was helping my parents financially.  He just could not swallow that at all.  His exact words were "a daughter is a debt."  How could a father live with the shame of allowing his daughter to help pay the bills?  BTW I was 39 at the time and my parents were nearing retirement age.  Of course I was completely bewildered by this take on things.

[Orthodox6]

Trying not to laugh too hard, I'm debating launching a spoof thread to enquire whether we should charge rent from parents who move in with us adults.

 

My father (age 91) lives with us, and the mere thought of billing him is both absurd and repugnant.  He gives us a modest "free will" offering, which we accept only because it funds our trips cross-state to work on his house. 

[LizzyBee]

LOL. that would be extremely patronizing, wouldn't it? I wonder whether it comes across like that to young adults as well... or whether they are just excited to get cash.

 

In the case I mentioned in my previous post, the couple was absolutely thrilled to find out his dad had been saving up the rent he'd paid and because of that, they were able to buy a house.

 

[LizzyBee]

To all the people who would charge their kids to stay at home and for other expenses:

 

Would you expect to pay rent if you stayed with them in your later years? I don't mean pitch and and help with tasks and groceries, I mean pay actual rent to your children with perhaps a written agreement. Would you expect to have chores assigned to you, pay for gas if they took you anywhere, give them a cut of the money you made from teaching a knitting class because they dropped you off, pay separately for a dish in a restaurant because you wanted something different, etc.

 

And if you paid this rent, would you be excited when it turned out that had saved this rent for you all along and now you had a tidy sum saved up just for you, that you might someday have access to?

 

I think it all depends on the circumstances and why the parents moved in with their kids. I've known parents/kids who lived together and split all household bills down the middle.  I've known parents who moved in because they were ill and needed full time care, and of course, their kids don't charge them any rent.  In between those two situations, there are many potential scenarios that may or may not involve the parents paying rent or household expenses.  If I were elderly and moved in with one of my kids, but I had means to pay rent and/or help with expenses, I wouldn't expect my kids to save the money because it's doubtful that I have any big life events such as weddings and first-time home purchases coming up. My next big life event would likely be death, and I won't need it then, lol.

[idnib]

In the case I mentioned in my previous post, the couple was absolutely thrilled to find out his dad had been saving up the rent he'd paid and because of that, they were able to buy a house.

 

 

 

But couldn't they have also bought the house by saving that same money themselves? And felt more accomplishment because they did it themselves instead of someone doing it for them? 

[J-rap]

No, they never charged rent. I lived at home for two years attending community college, and they were just so happy to have me home! I did have a part-time job and paid for all my extras, and community colleges in California at that time were free. About five years ago when we were trying to decide whether to move to the "big city" (where they live), we all lived with them for four months. They never charged rent but we paid for our own groceries and in the end wrote them a check, which we insisted they take, to help cover all the extra utility costs we must've added to their normal bill!

 

One of my daughters is living with them now, and they are so happy to have her there, they would never think of charging rent. However, I know she does a lot in return. She keeps house, does a lot of cooking, grocery shopping, mows the lawn, etc.

[Joanne]

Trying not to laugh too hard, I'm debating launching a spoof thread to enquire whether we should charge rent from parents who move in with us adults.

 

My father (age 91) lives with us, and the mere thought of billing him is both absurd and repugnant.  He gives us a modest "free will" offering, which we accept only because it funds our trips cross-state to work on his house. 

 

 

Wow. That is a fairly harsh sentiment in response to a range of family culture and experience.

 

Depending on circumstances, I would absolutely consider charging an able bodied, income producing parent who lived with me. I'd expect the same from them in reverse.

[Murphy101]

but the comparison is not quite accurate since the 3 y/o does not have any income - but the grandparent might have quite a nice pension or savings. Would that change your philosophy?

 

That's unusual in the states, IME limited tho it is. If they had a "nice" pension or savings, they usually don't need to move in with their kids. For most, it barely covers their medications and bills.

 

I suppose if they were well off, I'd wonder why they would be okay doing well while we covered their every expense of living with us? When I was growing up, folks like that were called ... Not nice words.

 

That sounds so... Idk... Weird to me. If they could afford to financially help out with the family expenses, why would they not feel compelled to do so even without being asked?

 

If I had the means and was living in my kid's house, I'd prefer setting it up to where every month I gave them a set amount to spend on expenses as they felt needed, or not if they were so flush as to not need it. And they wouldn't need to ask me to do it. I'd think that would be easier than feeling the need to pull my wallet out all the time in bits. *shrug*

[Orthodox6]

Joanne, did you notice that my father is 91 years old?

 

No change to what I wrote.

[bolt.]

Would you expect to pay rent if you stayed with them in your later years? I don't mean pitch and and help with tasks and groceries, I mean pay actual rent to your children with perhaps a written agreement. Would you expect to have chores assigned to you, pay for gas if they took you anywhere, give them a cut of the money you made from teaching a knitting class because they dropped you off, pay separately for a dish in a restaurant because you wanted something different, etc.

Since with kids I am both "providing" and "charging" it's all essentially my money, I'm just using it indirectly so that it can be a teaching tool. My motive is not primarily to be fair, or to make ends meet -- my primary motive is to teach. The money is just a teaching tool.

 

With my own parents / in laws:

 

I would have no motive to teach a live-in parent, so I wouldn't give them any teaching-allowance, I wouldn't dictate any spending opportunities. Most adults can find their own spending opportunities.

 

However, since it does cost something to house a live-in parent, I would be surprised if any of my relations were to propose such a co-housing arrangement without also proposing how they would contribute towards the change it would make in our finances. If they are destitute and under emergency circumstances -- no problem... But if this is "how we are going to do life together" I would think that things like money would be discussed.

 

If table-ordered meals caused tension, I'd stick to "own plate" restaurants. (Usually table-ordered meals among adults are something like "everybody pick a favorite dish" and so 5 people would get 5 things, and that would be all shared out when it arrived. Nobody would criticize another's choice... but nobody would expect two choices.)

 

If I was "buying" I'd buy, and if we were going Dutch, we'd get separate bills.

 

If I was elderly and had the means, I'd love to pay "rent" / transport costs as a lump sum to offset feeling like a burden. I wouldn't expect it to be an itemized teaching experience (ie per ride). I'd take the family out to dinner frequently, and I'd do whatever chores I could without being "assigned" -- I might try to be reliable in one area as "my chore" my health was up to it.

[Pretty in Pink]

Briefly, when I moved back in with my mom after I left my first husband. She charged me a portion of the mortgage and utilities (it was a small portion and the bills were small to begin with). We're talking maybe a hundred bucks per month or something. It was only because my moving in with a toddler did increase those bills and my mom couldn't afford to cover it. I didn't mind paying. She was giving me a place to live.

[Joanne]

Joanne, did you notice that my father is 91 years old?

 

No change to what I wrote.

 

Did you notice that you used the words spoof, absurd and repugnant?

 

Using my own post, I said able bodied and income producing. 

 

I would personally not consider 91 able bodied.

[swellmomma]

To all the people who would charge their kids to stay at home and for other expenses:

 

Would you expect to pay rent if you stayed with them in your later years? I don't mean pitch and and help with tasks and groceries, I mean pay actual rent to your children with perhaps a written agreement. Would you expect to have chores assigned to you, pay for gas if they took you anywhere, give them a cut of the money you made from teaching a knitting class because they dropped you off, pay separately for a dish in a restaurant because you wanted something different, etc.

 

And if you paid this rent, would you be excited when it turned out that had saved this rent for you all along and now you had a tidy sum saved up just for you, that you might someday have access to

 

To answer the bolded, Had that been the case yes I would have been excited at the time to get it.  But it is not the case.  I paid thousands in rent to them when I lived at home, and they just spent it on whatever they spent it on, from how it looked to me, it paid for my brother's guitar lessons and such.  You know, the music lessons I was told they could not afford when I was his age, so yeah, if it had been saved for me great.  Knowing it funding my sibling to do an activity I was always denied really rubbed it in that much more.

[Orthodox6]

Did you notice that you used the words spoof, absurd and repugnant?

 

Using my own post, I said able bodied and income producing. 

 

I would personally not consider 91 able bodied.

 

 

 

ETA:  I may not have read the post of yours which you reference.  I was not replying to a post when I wrote my original one.  Maybe that explains your reaction, that you assumed I was.  I was thinking about the concept of adult children continuing (or returning) to live with there parents.  The concept prompted me to flip around my own situation.  Certainly, it would be ludicrous for me to want money from an elderly, frail father who would not be here unless we all, collectively (including him), wanted it to happen.  I can't speak for hypothetical situations, or for other people's lives; only for reality of my own life.  As for having a wealthy parent, that firmly falls into the realm of imagination!   :001_smile:    

 

[LizzyBee]

But couldn't they have also bought the house by saving that same money themselves? And felt more accomplishment because they did it themselves instead of someone doing it for them? 

 

Yes, but let's face it, a lot of young people don't save money even though they can and they know they should.  In the case I mentioned, the son didn't save money and that's why he appreciated getting his rents back from his dad in the form of a gift.  I'm sure there's not one right answer that works for every family or even every child within one family.  I have one daughter that knows all the ins and outs of personal finance, but she's materialistic and she wants instant gratification.  I have another child who is very frugal and I have to force her to let me buy her clothes; I expect her to be a saver. My third child will probably be somewhere in between.