How did you know (or not know)?

[SemiSweet]

I'm having a terrible time deciding if we're "done" having babies.  I'm 33 years old, with an amazing husband who is okay with having one more or not having one more.  I have a 10 and 8 year old from a previous marriage but their dad has little to no part in their life, and we have a 6 month old baby.  I don't want to have any more after I'm 35 so the time is soon if it is to be.  To be honest there are a few things that are holding me back, but I just love babies so much. 

 

Cons: I hate being pregnant, I have foot, back and hip problems, I really want to get a half sleeve soon (which is not recommended while pregnant or nursing), I love traveling and adding one more person makes it that much harder.

 

Pros:  A baby!

 

So tell me, how did you come to the conclusion you came to in regard to family size?  I am not religious so that doesn't apply to me but I would love to hear stories of how one knew.  If we decide we are done dh will be getting a vasectomy.

[Pawz4me]

DH and I always knew we didn't want to be outnumbered by kids, so we stopped at two.  It really was that simple for us.

[SemiSweet]

See I agree with you I think those reasons suck, except for travel, we are military and stationed very far from family right now and more people equals more money every time we want to go home.  I'm worried that I'll regret not having another one, and I know it's highly unlikely that I'll regret having another.  BUT there are days when I feel our family is complete too. Ugh, its so hard.

[bethben]

We couldn't fit anymore into the car...

 

My real reasons is my #3 pregnancy was hard due to having to take care of my disabled son at the same time.  So, we adopted #4 and being in our 40's now, we're tired.  I guess the energy amount of the children has overpowered the energy level of the adults so we're done.

 

Beth

[elegantlion]

Let's see: illness through half of my pregnancy, mood swings from hell, 36 hours of labor followed by a full anesthetic c-section w/full abdominal incision due to scar tissue from a previous surgery, the doctor's strong warning that my body could not handle another pregnancy. Followed by week in the hospital with a tube down my nose. Ds went home before I did. Yeah, that pretty much decided it. 

[----]

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[Guest submarines]

I always wanted 4, but after the third I suddenly didn't want to experience the pain of childbirth anymore. I was DONE and I knew it right away (and 5 years later still shudder at the idea of another birth). Birth #1 and #2 didn't affect me as much, though I'm sure they were objectively not less painful. 

 

This might not apply to those who are not as passionate about medication free birth as I am (or WAS lol).

[ZeeMommy]

Age doesn't necessarily have to be a factor. My three were born when I was 35, 37, and 40 years old (didn't start making babies until married at 34). I think we are done, although occasionally my husband and I have a "wouldn't another girl be great" moment. But the biological drive to reproduce has pretty much dried up. Add in other factors, such as combination of home renovations and homeschooling, and it just seems to be the time to focus on the munchkins we have. If you have any doubt, aren't certain for sure, then wait. As far as vasectomies go, I guess that I've always figured that eventually my body stops being able reproduce, but his doesn't. Be sure that your man is okay with never being able to have kids ever again. Friend of my husband had a vasectomy in a previous marriage, divorced, and then finally met and married a wonderful woman but wasn't able to have kids with her. Maybe as far as the traveling home issue goes, they could come to you instead?

[SemiSweet]

Let's see: illness through half of my pregnancy, mood swings from hell, 36 hours of labor followed by a full anesthetic c-section w/full abdominal incision due to scar tissue from a previous surgery, the doctor's strong warning that my body could not handle another pregnancy. Followed by week in the hospital with a tube down my nose. Ds went home before I did. Yeah, that pretty much decided it. 

 

Yeah, that would do it for me too!  Goodness.   :grouphug:

 

There are definitely days that the idea of another makes me shudder, not the birth but the pregnancy, I hate it.  I've gained like 65+ pounds with each one (although I lost it all plus some very quickly this time around).  I also think about the advantages of not having any more as far as being able to do more stuff, homeschooling one less.  I would say that most days I feel done but today I was looking at his baby pictures and now I'm like what's one more? Lol.

[freesia]

We just knew that our family wasn't finished at one or two. I can't explain it. After the 3rd was born, I felt like our family was complete. Dh wasn't sure, so we decided not to make any decisions until ds was at least 3. We didn't want hormones and sleepless nights factoring into our decision. He's now 4 1/2 and neither of us desire another. Our family feels complete, and we're ready to move on to the next step. Dh is scheduled for a procedure in the near future.

This is me but it happened after 4. I don't know why some folks just know and others don't.

[Alte Veste Academy]

We felt our family was complete at three. (In fairness, that's not the entire truth. :lol: I would probably have had another if not for a poorly timed 15 month deployment and the if/then stuff created by that. But the essential truth is that I am happy and content with three and do not get wistful about what could have been.)

 

Given the spacing between your two oldest and your baby, I think another pro for you would be that your youngest would have a sibling closer in age. I'm a big fan of kids being close in age because (here, at least) they make great playmates.

 

But here's the thing...for me anyway. I don't think wanting another baby is actually a good reason to have a baby. I think the only really truly great reason to have a baby is because you want another member of your family, from baby to infinity.

[Dory]

I wanted at least 4 but had to stop because the pregnancies were too hard on me. My doctor said no more, so my dh got snipped. I still regret it. I wish like crazy that we could have one or two more. At the time, I knew it was the sensible thing to do. That it was a good choice, but now I really, really wish, I had just put a longer break in between my last one and one more. I LOVE having kids in my house.

[FaithManor]

The decision was pretty well made for us medically speaking. I nearly died during my pregnancy with our

last. DH, under different circumstances would had wanted one more. He's a real baby man. He is actually

more talented with that age group than I am. I survive the baby years...not that I didn't love and adore

my sweet babes, but those are not the golden years for me. I am in 7th heaven from about age 8 with every

year after getting even better. I'm.having a blast with my teens.

 

Right now, I could handle another teen member of the family though YOWZAS they are expensive jiggers!

 

At any rate, at one point all three boys will be in college at once and not likely in the same school,

possibly not in the same state. With dd now in New Jersey with her darling hubby, I am actually

grateful for the flexibility of only having older kids. We'll be able to travel to their locations,

easily and I won't have a teacher intensive homeschool schedule to keep up as I would if we had littles.

 

I guess I'm ready for grandmahood, though the married kids assure me it's a few years off while he

gets settled in his career. But since there are grandmas plus great-grandmas, I've already adopted

my title, Marmee.

 

I can honestly say that I've never felt regret. I went through a period of mourning about a miscarriage

before we had dd. But, our family still seems just right for us.

[Heather in Neverland]

I no longer felt like someone was "missing". Our family feels complete. And when I hold a baby now I think they are cute but I don't have that longing deep in the center of me any more.

 

It feels nice to be done and just enjoying the kids we have.

[FO4UR]

I had an extremely traumatic birth with #4.  The fear of that happening again is just too much.  

 

Then, there is the fact that dd does have brain damage from the traumatic birth, and while she is doing amazingly well right now, we don't know if/when that damage might manifest in problems that take time and energy.

 

Also, HSing 3 school-age kids while nursing a baby is hard.  I can't imagine adding a toddler to the mix.  

[lynn]

Having a preteen and baby at the same time then teaching that teen to drive and potty training toddler at the same time. Yeah that did it for us we knew we were done.  Now we have 2 adult children and 2 kids still at home.  The dynamics in our home are ever changing and quite interesting at times.    

[Tess in the Burbs]

Honestly, my opinions have changed over the years.  Some years I cried b/c I wanted more.  Some years dh really wanted more.  other years we were both content.  Back through the circle again.  Right now, I see that just the 2 is perfect for us and our lifestyle.  I am glad I didn't do drastic things to have another baby.  I just learned to accept what we have and I can see and appreciate our life now.  However, there are times I really want to hold the cute babies in church....but since it's a large church I don't think they will hand those cute babies over to me, a complete stranger!?!?!?

[Tammi K]

I had number 6 when I was 41 living overseas in Australia. (Talk about traveling inconvenience...Flights home are pricey and long!) We were not expecting any more. But...

 

He has been the greatest kid! I can't imagine life without him. He's so much fun. The other kids just loved having him. They were a great help. He was actually the easiest one as an infant because there were so many other hands to help.

 

If you and dh are in agreement...go for it!!!!

 

[go_go_gadget]

We haven't decided yet and aren't in a position to have another for a few years, but we've decided that the deciding factor will be whether we feel like we'll both always have a little pang every time we see a baby. I know I could never regret having a child, but if we find when the time comes that we still feel like we'd like one and that feeling's not going away, then it's likely that if we didn't have one that we'd regret it. If by that point we're comfortable with our early/pre-teens and the lifestyle that comes with older children, we'll leave it at that. If we have the ''what if?''s, then we'll go for it.

[lmrich]

Our third was colicky. She screamed for 6 months. DH got a vastecomy when she was 4 months old. She is the sweetest thing now with the best personality. I would have considered another, but I did not have a real urge. So God placed that on my dh. 

[4kidlets4me]

I was pretty sure I was done after 3 but not entirely certain. As soon as #4 was born I was 100% sure I was done. Now I no longer have that longing for a baby. I can see and hold a newborn and think oh how cute but I also think I'm glad it's not mine!

[trulycrabby]

Delivering a nine- pound baby with shoulder dystocia made the decision very easy. Seriously though, I just knew when we were done. If you are not sure, then there just might be another little one in your future. 

[LaxMom]

I no longer felt like someone was "missing". Our family feels complete. And when I hold a baby now I think they are cute but I don't have that longing deep in the center of me any more.

 

It feels nice to be done and just enjoying the kids we have.

This.

 

I was 33 when our surprise twins were born. I love babies, but am quite happy to give them back to their parents and enjoy my fully potty trained, increasingly independent, ridiculously witty big kids, who I don't have to physically maintain all day and night.

[MolleenCarie]

I don't have any advice on being done, but I would encourage you to have another so your baby has a playmate closer to his age. My third gets left out frequently bc he is still so little compared to the big two.

[JessReplanted]

I think if you're not sure you're done, then there's a good chance that you're not done.

 

I thought we pretty much done with our 3, although my husband and I did talk about maybe adopting again 'someday'.

 

 

And then God surprised us with #4, who will be arriving around Christmas!

 

This will absolutely be my last pregnancy. There is no way I can do this again.

[Alice]

I didn’t personally want to have a baby after age 40 and I’m not someone who wanted to plan to have them more than 2-3 years apart. Doing the math that made Z. our last one. We had talked about having four and had often talked about adoption for the 4th one but soon after Z. was born I just felt like we were done. Our family seemed complete. 

[Mandylubug]

my opinion or at least for me, if I wasn't sure if I was finished, then I wasn't. I was 100% certain beyond a shadow of a doubt finished with my twins ;) I don't even get cutesy baby fever. No "awwwww" feelings, nothing! I am GOOD!

[PollyOR]

I was almost 38 when the 4th was born.  I never felt done.

 

Then my first grandchild was born.  After staying with my daughter the first several nights the baby came home I was exhausted. For the first time ever I KNEW without a doubt I was done.

[plansrme]

 I really want to get a half sleeve soon (which is not recommended while pregnant or nursing),

 

This is the most awesomely original reason I've ever seen to have or not have another baby.

[maize]

Based purely on your posts in this thread I think you are more likely to feel content if you have another than if you don't. It sounds to me like you are trying to talk yourself out of wanting another.q

[SemiSweet]

This is the most awesomely original reason I've ever seen to have or not have another baby.

 

Lol, it's selfish but I have it all planned out and I really don't want to wait another 3 years.   :laugh:

 

It seems like I just go back and forth all the time on this, which probably means I should have one more or just let nature take its course, I'm not even ovulating yet.  Then there are days when the olders fight all day long and I want to make dh an appointment immediately!  The thing is, and I know this, I love babies... I would have a hundred if they stayed that way.  I do want the little guy to have a playmate though, I have siblings and they are my best friends now and were great playmates when we were little, dh is an only and doesn't see the importance of having one close in age.  Every time I have myself nearly talked into another I think about pregnancy though and it nearly gags me.  This is so hard, glad I don't have to make the decision today.  

[Joyofsixreboot]

If I hadn't " aged out of the system" I'd still be having kids. I am terrible at pregnancy(hyperemesis, IV's, etc) but babies are, well, babies. If you want one more go for it. Once it's here you won't be able to imagine life without him/her.

[LostSurprise]

My youngest was diagnosed with medical issues at 3, so that decided it for me. (Okay, dh did have a vasectomy done but he was open to adopting or fostering after that.)

 

I found that we longed for babies the most during the 1-2 year old range. When the last baby is that old you start looking for the next. Its like a drug. So we got a puppy.  :001_rolleyes:  Now there's a toddler the next 10 years. 

[Vida Winter]

Age was the determining factor. I was going through perimenopause as I nursed my last one. There was not much choice in the matter.

[fraidycat]

Babies grow up. I'd have 20 babies, if I didn't have to go through labor. But, man oh man, there are days I'd like to sell the two CHILDREN I have to the gypsies. They aren't babies anymore and think their opinions should be heard, repeatedly.

 

I knew I was done after my two labors. 24 hours and 32 hours.

 

ETA: and I wanted to be done by 30. DS was born 6ish weeks before my 30th birthday.

[Guest]

I don't feel done. I long for another baby. Dh feels the same. Every time we see or hear a baby. BUT we really only want a girl, a healthy girl. Except that would mean 6-8 months of me being ridiculously sick. Then again, the olders could easily teach the youngers for me. Then again, we always said we would be done when we had a girl. But sometimes I dream of another. I even know what we would name her. And I turned 40 last year.  Also, every couple weeks, the kids start asking for another baby. We see-saw about it. So I am completely no help. Just know you aren't the only one who feels the way you do. It IS hard even if you are religious.

[Freckles]

I completely regret our decision for dh to get a vasectomy between deployments. I was overcome by two babies by myself far from home while my husband was deployed for almost 2.5 years. Life circumstances change. He had is vasectomy reversed 6 years ago. I have been unable to conceive. I turn 40 this week. Unless a miracle happens, I'm pretty sure my chances for a third are slim to none.

[Maela]

Many reasons:

I hate being sick to my stomach, and I was for the first half of my pregnancies with both.

Both my babies had colic.

I'm an introvert and that made the clingy baby phase really hard for me mentally.

I'm a worrier, and don't like not being able to ask my kids what's wrong whenpthey're babies.

I'm a clean freak.

We want to travel, not have to have a minivan, and have an uncluttered house.

 

I don't mind other people having a lot of kids. It's fun hanging out with big families, and i love holding babies. But I am very happy with just having two kids.

 

Once my second was two months old, we knew that we didn't want to have anymore. DH had a vasectomy three and a half years ago, and we haven't regretted it yet.

[Shelly in IL]

I always wanted 3. I waited too long and chickened out after two. Now I'm 47, and although I'd love to have had another child, I certainly am unwilling to at this age!

[kiwik]

I would have had a third if I had been a bit younger (I was 40 with number 2) and had a partner. It is really hard when they are 18 months to 2.5 but now my youngest is 4 I am glad I think. I still had this tiny hope in the back of my mind but I will probably have my ovaries removed soon (genetic flaws) so the decision will be final. I don't think I could do it again though I was just too tired.

[Night Elf]

DH made the decision because of his age. He was 41 when our youngest was born. He was 44 when I was ready for another and he thought he was too old.