Mango Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I am the least favorite daughter in law. My in laws are nice to me, but not warm. My brother in law's wife, that's what she insists I call her because even though we married into the same family we "AREN'T sisters," This was what she told me 5 minutes after our marriage ceremony was over. She has always seen and treated me as her rival. You could say she's the number one daughter in law. Their son married recently and his new wife now has the same first and last name as me. Same spelling too boot. I told my mother recently I wondered how long it would be until one of them suggested I change my name so it would be easier to tell us apart. Hmmmm...... 2 days! Yup, they were married Saturday and my FIL called on Monday and asked dh, "We'll have to call your wife ______ so we can tell them apart." Kuddos to DH he responded, "Um no. I can't call my wife of 20 years anything else. That's weird." This is a patriachial family. Please understand that if FIL is asking, then it was discussed at the wedding and perhaps before by other family members and it was probably suggested that he talk to us about it. That FIL has brought it up means it will come up again. I have an answer ready, "No I will not change my name. For the two bi-annual family events we will see each other at you'all will just have to muddle through. Or you can call her young ______." Would you have changed your name? Am I being unreasonable? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 No and no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carriede Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Heck no on both counts!! If people are confused, the only clarification required should be "Bob's Mango" or "Bill's Mango". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 No I would not have change my name. I will say my sil and my sister have the same first and middle names, sister got married changed her name, brother married sil and she took on the family name so it was like we got rid of one TLB and got a new TLB with the same name. In our family we call my sister Tracy and my sil Tracy-Lynne. Outside of our family sil is just Tracy. But it was easiest for sister to go by first name, and sil by first and second at family gathering but mostly for the kids who need to call them auntie tracy and auntie tracy-lynne . Give you were the dil first and have been for 2 decades your name stays and HERS can change, she just got into the family for goodness sake, as the new comer if a new name must be used it will be by her.ETA: Am I right in that you guys did not attend the wedding? Are they ticked at that and that is why they are deeming that you be the one to change your name? It sounds like you guys already distance yourself from them and continuing to do so would be best to stay away from the craziness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 No. I think I would not associate with in laws any longer and probably wonder why I had associated with them this long. Really that would have to be the last straw because if they really brought this up and you jnew it was coming then other crap has been going on a loooooong time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 No. I think I would not associate with in laws any longer and probably wonder why I had associated with them this long. Really that would have to be the last straw because if they really brought this up and you jnew it was coming then other crap has been going on a loooooong time. yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 NFW! How hard can it be to just clarify who you're talking about?! In Irish families, half of us are Mary and the other half are Patrick and we all communicate just fine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Wow. I am practically speechless. No, you should not change your name. Under those circumstances, I think I would bow out of get-togethers with that family if possible. Can you? Your husband can tell them you're not coming because you don't want to confuse people with the duplicate names. No one will get the point, I bet. You are totally not unreasonable. What an unreasonable request they have made. The new dil can be Mango2. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Perhaps now is the time to talk with dh about putting serious distance between your immediate family and the in laws. It cannot be good for your own dc to observe grandma, granddad, aunts and other treat you badly. Is the message "it's, ok t treat mom like that." I would wonder if this affected the respect you get from your dc. It's just wrong and there cannot be any good reason to involve your immediate family with people like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 NFW! How hard can it be to just clarify who you're talking about?! In Irish families, half of us are Mary and the other half are Patrick and we all communicate just fine! :lol: I am going to quote you at the next bi-annual even in August! :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Under those circumstances, I think I would bow out of get-togethers with that family if possible. Can you? Your husband can tell them you're not coming because you don't want to confuse people with the duplicate names. No one will get the point, . Oh no no no. If her dh goes and makes excuses, then that will just support the in laws demeaning her. No, I think dh has to support Mango by not going too. No grandchild, no one from Mango's family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I would respectfully tell my husband, "It's time to choose your Number One loyalty." I have slightly less whacky, but controlling (Old World), in-laws. When we were first married, my husband had to be very clear to his parents that I am the Number One person in his life. During one visit, it was like WW3 between his mother and me -- not outright, just a subtle (and real) struggle for who would be the Top Woman in ______'s life. I won. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 My mother's brother married a woman with my mother's first and middle name. So, for a time, his wife and sister had the same first, middle, and last names. They managed. No disrespect intended, but that side of your family is a bit whacko! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Oh for crying our loud. How pathetic. In my husband's family there are 4 brothers and 1 sister. The sister's name is Christine. These are the names of the 4 sisters-in-law: Christa, Kristin, Kristen and Judy. We don't get mixed up. That's just a pathetic excuse to put you down. Don't give in. Keep your name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Considering every generation of DH's family has at least one male with a particular family name, yet family functions do not cause a massive communication cluster............... Oh my word, forget it. It sounds like you married into one nutty bunch! (((Hugs))) and let me slide you some of my dark chocolate and wine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Oh no no no. If her dh goes and makes excuses, then that will just support the in laws demeaning her. No, I think dh has to support Mango by not going too. No grandchild, no one from Mango's family. Hmm, I guess I see it another way. I don't think it's making excuses to give the reason she isn't coming to the get-together. He could make it more explicit and say she is tired of being treated so poorly. I have often wanted to bow out of get-togethers with my husband's family (though I must admit I have never been treated as badly as OP) but I wouldn't make him stay home if he wanted to see his family. I am not sure I could see a circumstance under which I would ask my husband not to see his family. Grandchildren, I'm not sure - depends on ages, ability to see grandparents' foibles, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I looked it up online. The wife of one's spouse's brother is a sister-in-law. Here's one link (there are many more). http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sister-in-law I don't think your BIL's wife deserves the title. I think you have put up with being hurt for a long time. Personally, I'd put my foot down and stop interacting with my in-laws. I did that with my MIL. Thankfully, she lived far away, and due to my DH's choice, we didn't have contact with his relatives in his extended family. When MIL died, her sister was really angry with me because, basically, I did not treat my MIL like she was my mother. So I blocked her phone number and added her to my list of people I won't interact with. The sister (DH's aunt) has called my mother about this several times, and I told my mother that whether she talks to the sister/aunt is her choice, but nothing anyone says will budge me from my stance. I don't deserve to be anyone's whipping boy, so to speak, and I won't put up with it. In my experience with toxic people, it rarely does any good to confront them in a reasonable manner. They will not get it because they are not operating in a reasonable fashion -- there is something wrong with them mentally that prevents them from doing so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Wow--that it just galling. Good for your dh for sticking up for you. Oh, and to answer your questions--no I wouldn't change and no way you're being unreasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 H-E-double hockey sticks NO! I think your reply sounds perfect. ETA: Based on the family dynamics you described in your OP, I would take it as a compliment that you aren't the favorite DIL. Obviously you have way too much mental and emotional health for their liking. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I think your dh needs to respond the next volley with something like, "My word! What a horribly offensive suggestion! I would never dream of being so rude and disrespectful to her. My wife has gone by Mango Smith for the last 20 years. Sally has to change her name anyway, from Sally Jones to Sally Smith, why can't she just change to Sally Ann Smith, and we can call her Sally Ann?" Perhaps the IL's just aren't thinking about how rude their idea is and need someone they respect to point out to them that they have really crossed the line with this one. And then if anyone in the future brings it up to you, I would say, "I'll change my name when you change yours." And when they sputter about how ridiculous that would be, then you can point out to them that is exactly how you feel about their request. It sounds to me like the bridges have already burned and fallen into the moat, if there ever were any in the beginning. So I wouldn't worry about speaking my mind calmly, factually, and quite bluntly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AHASRADA Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I grew up with 2 Aunt Sues (wives of my paternal uncles) so they both had the same 1st and last names. Big deal. In private, we differentiated between them based on where they lived (different states), but we could just as easily said "Bob's Sue" and "Joe's Sue". At gatherings, it really wasn't an issue. Come to think of it, I also had 2 great-aunt Suzannes (same situation, both married into the family. We just referred to them as "Pierre's Suzanne" and "Jean's Suzanne". It's not rocket science. It sounds like this family goes out of it's way to marginalize you. I know some people play favorites, but to do so publicly and blatantly is in fathomable. Hopefully your dh continues to stick up for you, because that is ridiculous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 No way, no how. Were it my choice, I'd go to the next family gathering with some kind of cute prepared speech about the fun of sharing a name with a sweet new SIL -- it's a great name, and you are happy to share it with someone you are sure you will enjoy getting to know, etc., etc., etc. In the meantime, I'd make sure I kindly, privately welcomed the new SIL with a lovely handwritten note and whatever else you feel is appropriate. We had three generations of Same Name men under the same roof for four and a half years---granddad, dad, and grandson, all with the same name. The only time it was a hassle was when someone would call and ask for Same Name. Dh would often ask (with a non-business call) if the caller wanted "young S____, old S_____, or handsome S_____." : ) You can have some fun with this, welcome her, and win friends/influence people. The flakes will continue to be who they are--they can't help it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I am Alice, my paternal aunt is Alice, my maternal grandmother was Alice. My poor little grandmother was called “Big Alice†for a long time though and I was “Little Aliceâ€. Although I guess she preferred Big Alice to Old Alice. :) Both my grandfathers had the same name also. I was also the only grandchild and my grandmother would do the thing of calling me by my Mom’s name, my aunt’s name and finally by mine. To which I would always say “It’s YOUR name! How can you forget!†Your ILs are being ridiculous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 No way, no how. Were it my choice, I'd go to the next family gathering with some kind of cute prepared speech about the fun of sharing a name with a sweet new SIL -- it's a great name, and you are happy to share it with someone you are sure you will enjoy getting to know, etc., etc., etc. In the meantime, I'd make sure I kindly, privately welcomed the new SIL with a lovely handwritten note and whatever else you feel is appropriate. We had three generations of Same Name men under the same roof for four and a half years---granddad, dad, and grandson, all with the same name. The only time it was a hassle was when someone would call and ask for Same Name. Dh would often ask (with a non-business call) if the caller wanted "young S____, old S_____, or handsome S_____." : ) You can have some fun with this, welcome her, and win friends/influence people. The flakes will continue to be who they are--they can't help it. You could also get a t-shirt made saying, "I'm the REAL Mango!", and then privately give one to SIL also, if she seems to be a nice person. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Give you were the dil first and have been for 2 decades your name stays and HERS can change, she just got into the family for goodness sake, as the new comer if a new name must be used it will be by her. This is exactly what I was thinking; new wife gets new/different name. I think your dh needs to respond the next volley with something like, "My word! What a horribly offensive suggestion! I would never dream of being so rude and disrespectful to her. My wife has gone by Mango Smith for the last 20 years. Sally has to change her name anyway, from Sally Jones to Sally Smith, why can't she just change to Sally Ann Smith, and we can call her Sally Ann?" I love this suggestion because what they've done is horribly rude and offensive and it should be pointed out to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Oh, not only no, but H377 no. As in it would be a cold day in before I or my children ever talked to these people again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 ETA: Am I right in that you guys did not attend the wedding? Are they ticked at that and that is why they are deeming that you be the one to change your name? It sounds like you guys already distance yourself from them and continuing to do so would be best to stay away from the craziness. Correct, we didn't go. We'd made plans to go, hotel, travel etc. But DH put out his back (again) and he wasn't well enough to travel, per the doctors. He had back surgery 2 years ago and he discovered he's not able to do Fair rides anymore. :huh: Because he couldn't sit for more than 5 minutes we cancelled our trip. I don't think anyone was disappointed, except my kids. It was answer to prayer for me and I know for them. They actually didn't want us to come, "Well, it's in _____ and that's a long way from you. You really want to come?" We didn't think we'd get an invitation. DH is on the mend and he sat for the church service this weekend. :)) But he's still limited on what he can lift. He's walking a lot and icing. It's helping. Considering every generation of DH's family has at least one male with a particular family name, yet family functions do not cause a massive communication cluster............... Oh my word, forget it. It sounds like you married into one nutty bunch! (((Hugs))) and let me slide you some of my dark chocolate and wine. Thank you for the wine and chocolate! You could also get a t-shirt made saying, "I'm the REAL Mango!", and then privately give one to SIL also, if she seems to be a nice person. :laugh: We met her at Christmas and DH said, "Whoa!!! Can I tell DN to run? She's ultra high maintenance." DH doesn't usually say things like that. Never mind that she was sending me parenting advice through my FIL.....grrrrrr! "___ says that you shouldn't push your kids so much. Her parents did and she really suffered." She was really running the show at Christmas and everyone was bending over backwards for her needs (the smell, the noise level of the (my) kids, the length of FIL's program....) She'll probably be a nice person when she's had a bit more experience in this family. She is a go-getter, Phd bound in a pro-SAHM family. Actually she's very much like my sister: ultra sensitive, picky, opinionated, highly educated but lacking in experience. I suppose I am, to a lesser degree :laugh: I'm frankly surprised she stuck around for the wedding. There was a lot of coaching her at Christmas time about how to to be a submissive wife. Something I'm only rarely good at. :)) And she had to be baptized into the DN's church. There was a lot of fixing up ____ before the wedding. Maybe she's not too smart afterll. We'll see. I will send her a welcome note. We did send our gift in the mail when we realized we weren't going to make it. We moved away from the family hometown two years ago. We live 300 miles away from the rest of them now. DH and I decided it was best. And it was been the best decision we ever made. We can't get out of the bi-annual events, but we keep them short, allez-retour in the same long day. Poor DH was told before we left that none of them would ever come to visit us in our new home town. He was very hurt. But it helped with the separation too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I think your dh needs to respond the next volley with something like, "My word! What a horribly offensive suggestion! I would never dream of being so rude and disrespectful to her. My wife has gone by Mango Smith for the last 20 years. Sally has to change her name anyway, from Sally Jones to Sally Smith, why can't she just change to Sally Ann Smith, and we can call her Sally Ann?" Perhaps the IL's just aren't thinking about how rude their idea is and need someone they respect to point out to them that they have really crossed the line with this one. And then if anyone in the future brings it up to you, I would say, "I'll change my name when you change yours." And when they sputter about how ridiculous that would be, then you can point out to them that is exactly how you feel about their request. It sounds to me like the bridges have already burned and fallen into the moat, if there ever were any in the beginning. So I wouldn't worry about speaking my mind calmly, factually, and quite bluntly. Brilliant. I agree with hillfarm! When oh when are these nutty in-laws (speaking universally here, self included) going to realize that their daughters in law are the gatekeepers to their grandchildren? It's a relationship that deserves nurturing. Instead I often see competition, favoritism, criticism and judgment. It's very sad. Sorry for you, OP, but I'd be relieved to only have twice a year interactions and that SIL doesn't want to be labeled as a sister. Saves you from having to disown her over her poor behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Brilliant. I agree with hillfarm! When oh when are these nutty in-laws (speaking universally here, self included) going to realize that their daughters in law are the gatekeepers to their grandchildren? It's a relationship that deserves nurturing. Instead I often see competition, favoritism, criticism and judgment. It's very sad. Sorry for you, OP, but I'd be relieved to only have twice a year interactions and that SIL doesn't want to be labeled as a sister. Saves you from having to disown her over her poor behavior. I don't think they'd agree with you on this one. We're a transracial adoptive family. I only use that description here to help you understand. I don't think of my kids as anything but my kids, my family, my sons and daughters. But that's another topic and conversation I won't go into. Just put it under the "whole lot of crap" mentioned by another poster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I don't think they'd agree with you on this one. We're a transracial adoptive family. I only use that description here to help you understand. I don't think of my kids as anything but my kids, my family, my sons and daughters. But that's another topic and conversation I won't go into. Just put it under the "whole lot of crap" mentioned by another poster. Oh man. My interpretation of this post is your in laws don't really see your dc as grandchildren and maybe not really part of the family. If this is the case, do not try any longer. This is so damaging to everyone. Maybe I've read this wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I looked it up online. The wife of one's spouse's brother is a sister-in-law. Here's one link (there are many more). http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sister-in-law I don't think your BIL's wife deserves the title. I think you have put up with being hurt for a long time. Personally, I'd put my foot down and stop interacting with my in-laws. I did that with my MIL. Thankfully, she lived far away, and due to my DH's choice, we didn't have contact with his relatives in his extended family. When MIL died, her sister was really angry with me because, basically, I did not treat my MIL like she was my mother. So I blocked her phone number and added her to my list of people I won't interact with. The sister (DH's aunt) has called my mother about this several times, and I told my mother that whether she talks to the sister/aunt is her choice, but nothing anyone says will budge me from my stance. I don't deserve to be anyone's whipping boy, so to speak, and I won't put up with it. In my experience with toxic people, it rarely does any good to confront them in a reasonable manner. They will not get it because they are not operating in a reasonable fashion -- there is something wrong with them mentally that prevents them from doing so. Crazy- what an insult to refuse to call someone a siater-in-law. But I agree with the above- she doesn't deserve the title. :lol: Go all Dr. Seuss and get "Mango 1" and "Mango 2" shirts. I can understand the temptation to change your name just to NOT be associated with a loon of the same name, but seriously- that is one of the most unreasonable requests ever. Is this family mentally deficient that they can't tell people apart by context? But really, the whole thing just sounds odd. Good for your husband for standing up for you! Hug him extra-tight... you've got a good one! :hurray: Hmmmm how very crazy... I put a link to a t-shirt (Zazzle website) and it won't show up... I editied, I can see it where I'm typing, but in the preview and post it is not there... DRAT! Well, there ARE "Mango One" shirts out there. :confused1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Sorry you're dealing with this. My mom and sister-in-law share the same first and last, even though it's an uncommon first. What I've heard them do, if there's any ambiguity in which "Sally" they're referring to, they say, "John's Sally" or "Bill's Sally." Erica in OR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Oh man. My interpretation of this post is your in laws don't really see your dc as grandchildren and maybe not really part of the family. If this is the case, do not try any longer. This is so damaging to everyone. Maybe I've read this wrong. Oh my goodness, I interpreted your reply as Betty has. I am so, so sorry. That's truly a whole bunch of other crap, and worse. No jumping hoops for these people, no way, no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 My Sil and I have the same first name. We use Bob's Mango and Joe's Mango all the time. Or, if my nieces are talking, I am aunt mango. It isn't a big deal and I am certain that most families run into this all the time without having to force someone into a name change. Honestly, if the issue was pushed, I would expect the newer family member to change their name, since you are the one who was there first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Who'd have guessed there'd be two women named Mango in this world? ;) They sound nutty. My IL's are nutty too (we're not the best of friends), but they would never insult me this way, and James Bond would never stand for it. Of course I've only ever met two other people with my name, so I'm pretty sure this would never come up for us. Good for your husband for standing up for you. I'll send over a reserve stash of chocolate and wine, because it sounds like you're going to need it. So sorry you're dealing with this nonsense. If they all you by something else, just don't respond until they call you by your actual name. Oh, that could be quite fun really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 This really doesn't equate to a family situation, but I've been in two social groups where I was the second Margaret to join. So in one I came to be identified as "the other Margaret" and in the other I was "Margaret from Oregon" (because, um, I had just moved from Oregon and no one around here had ever known a person from Oregon. Or anyplace other than PA, but I digress). It really wouldn't occur to me to demand that the first Margaret in the group become someone else. The new DIL should be embarrassed by this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 What??? Seriously??? This is possibly the craziest thing I've heard about in-laws. You see them twice a year? Why?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Sure-- you can let them change your name-- to something YOU like---- Hmmm lets think of some:: Goddess Mango The all powerful and beloved Mango #1Mango Empress Mango (Queen also works here) The chosen one Greater Mango suggested names for other mango: Imposter Lesser Mango WHO?--- You -know- who ---also works here The other woman She who shall not be named Honestly, this is a time to get together with the other you and work on a name --- BOND with this woman and make an ally Conspire with her--- wear matching clothes to family events-- make the same dishes -- answer for each other when someone calls y'all's names. DRIVE THE IN LAWS CRAZY disclaimer_ I am intrinsically evil :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I keep thinking of the Chris Kattan SNL skit: "You can't a-have the Mango!" My dad and his brother are married to women with the same name. Never had a problem telling them apart. With seven kids in that family and 20+ grandkids, someone is bound to share a name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 We moved away from the family hometown two years ago. We live 300 miles away from the rest of them now. DH and I decided it was best. And it was been the best decision we ever made. We can't get out of the bi-annual events, but we keep them short, allez-retour in the same long day. Poor DH was told before we left that none of them would ever come to visit us in our new home town. He was very hurt. But it helped with the separation too. :grouphug: But really, I guess it's bad news/good news, eh? And add me to the list of those who say oh heck no, don't change your name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Er, no. For many moons, people have passed down names and there have been many "same named persons" within the same families. My husband is Italian. Do you know how many Tonys, Vincents, and Salvatores there are?! The only clarification I've heard, on our trips to the philly area, are along the lines of "Big Tony" and "Little Tony" (yes, at 45 years old, my husband is still referred to as "Little Tony", although he's much larger than my 82 year old father in law, lol!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Mango, I don't understand why your immediate family cannot drop the twice a year visits altogether, but if you feel you truly cannot, I would say only dh should go not you, not any of your dc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Totally not helpful...but a funny name confusion story... I go to a really small church and have been there for almost 20 years, dh and I met there and many people have known us a long time. A woman started coming a few years ago who was a recent immigrant from China who goes by the name Alice (it’s not her given name but the English name she has chosen to use so it’s essentially her name now). I didn’t worry about it but she started referring to herself as Chinese Alice to avoid confusion. Fast forward to one day in church when I was home sick and the other Alice was also not there. Before the corporate prayer time the pastor asked everyone to pray for “Alice who recently lost her job and is in need of a new oneâ€. The other Alice was fairly new to our church and since I’d been there so long most people thought of me first when they heard the name. My Dh quickly spoke up and said “No, not my wife, CHINESE Alice.†The funny part is that Dh is Chinese-American. One of my friends who was there said a lot of the visitors that day were looking at him with very confused expressions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Our family has 6 people with the same name. Not been an issue except that everyone in my generation has been told not to use that name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 My dad is from an Irish Catholic family. If anyone wants to be the only person with a certain name, they're pretty much out of luck. I think it is absurd that this would be considered a problem in the first place and it's even more crazy they would ask you to use a different name. What? How would that even work? Was it your middle name or a totally different name? Very strange. Tell them they can shove their suggestion where the sun doesn't shine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Totally not helpful...but a funny name confusion story... I go to a really small church and have been there for almost 20 years, dh and I met there and many people have known us a long time. A woman started coming a few years ago who was a recent immigrant from China who goes by the name Alice (it’s not her given name but the English name she has chosen to use so it’s essentially her name now). I didn’t worry about it but she started referring to herself as Chinese Alice to avoid confusion. Fast forward to one day in church when I was home sick and the other Alice was also not there. Before the corporate prayer time the pastor asked everyone to pray for “Alice who recently lost her job and is in need of a new oneâ€. The other Alice was fairly new to our church and since I’d been there so long most people thought of me first when they heard the name. My Dh quickly spoke up and said “No, not my wife, CHINESE Alice.†The funny part is that Dh is Chinese-American. One of my friends who was there said a lot of the visitors that day were looking at him with very confused expressions. My funny name story: DH invited his work unit to our house for dinner. Our dog went crazy. I was standing in front of one gentlemen trying to get the dog put away and quiet, "Sam, be quiet. Get in your house Sam. Sammy, that's enough!!!" The gentleman's name was also Sam. :gnorsi: I wonder what kind of stories they told about DH's crazy dog wife. . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 :lol: Go all Dr. Seuss and get "Mango 1" and "Mango 2" shirts. I can understand the temptation to change your name just to NOT be associated with a loon of the same name, but seriously- that is one of the most unreasonable requests ever. DH loves this idea! Totally going to do it at the yearly Aug. family event. Thanks for making me smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaCEmom Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I don't think they'd agree with you on this one. We're a transracial adoptive family. I only use that description here to help you understand. I don't think of my kids as anything but my kids, my family, my sons and daughters. But that's another topic and conversation I won't go into. Just put it under the "whole lot of crap" mentioned by another poster. Grrrr. The more details you give about these people the less I like them! It sounds like staying away from these people is not only the right decision, but the healthy one for all your family. And to answer your question, No I wouldn't change my name. I agree with letting your dh tell them know exactly how ridiculous and insulting that idea is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NatashainDFW Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 My dh was named after his grandfather. Everyone called him Jamie and his grandfather James until he was about 25 when granddad told the family that dh was grown and was too old to be called Jamie. The family just called him James and his grandfather James until granddad passed. Now our youngest ds is James. In a situation where someone may get confused we call the baby JD and dh James but for daily life they are just both James. It isn't that hard to figure out who people are talking about based on context. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Neia Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 If you agree to change your name now. Next time they'll be asking for your divorce. My Hubby says 'your husband needs to grow up, change his underoos for boxers and cut the cord. ' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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