Texting during play dates?

[In the Rain]

A new friend came over to play with dd and spent a fair amount of time texting another friend. She also took a phone call from a friend. Aside from the fact that it is rude, I just don't like the thought of kids hanging out in her bedroom texting. I want them playing.  :tongue_smilie:

 

Can I say something to dd's friend? What would I say? FWIW, dd is 9, and doesn't have her own phone. 

 

Do you have rules about friends texting while at your house? 

[Wilma]

Gah! I'd be horrified, but I really don't know what I'd do... What was your daughter's take on the playdate? Did she think the texting/phoning was weird and rude?

[redsquirrel]

I haven't had to deal with texting or phone calls, but my sons do have friends who bring their itouches etc and want to play games. I tell them that in my house the kids don't have screen time before 4:30. We count itouch etc as screen time. If the friend is here until 4:30 then they boys may play a game on the whatever it is together.

 

I would not stop texts or calls from a parent in that though, so I am not sure how that would work.  Well, all friends parents know that is our rule (and we honor theirs when my kids are at their house) and they have always been very supportive.

 

 

ahem, the mom may have all the screen time she wants. Because I am the boss of you, so there.

[Starr]

I would consider talking to the other mom and see if playdates can be phone free for 9 years olds.  If it's too much for the young lady I would make the playdate shorter.

[catz]

Are you kidding me? A 9 year old has unmonitored access to text her friends all day? That is just whacky! I might just mention to the other parent the phone was distracting to the play date and maybe she could keep it at home next time. If mom needs to contact kid she can call your cell or home phone.

[In the Rain]

Gah! I'd be horrified, but I really don't know what I'd do... What was your daughter's take on the playdate? Did she think the texting/phoning was weird and rude?

 

Dd said it was weird. She probably felt a little jealous too, since the friend and her other friend were texting to try to set up a sleep over. I'm sure dd felt left out. There was a third friend over, so she and dd continued playing while the other girl took breaks on her phone. 

[kiwik]

Would a rule for everyone that phones and any other devices are put in a basket on entering. My children automatically take their shoes off entering houses so could you just make it something that is automatic in your house. You would have to too until the kids go to bed.

[In the Rain]

RedSquirrel, Starr and WoolySocks, thanks for the replies. I'm glad I'm not the only one who found it odd. I wondered if I was just totally out of touch. The third little girl who was over also has her own phone. She doesn't bring it when she comes over to play though.

 

RedSquirrel, I may approach it as a screen time issue. That is a good idea. In our family, the kids don't get unsupervised screen time. 

 

We've only just met the family, so I'll have to think about what to say, if anything, to the mom. This was the little girl's first time at our house, so it is a good time to establish some boundaries. Of course I wouldn't want to stop her mom from contacting her. My dd said it was distracting because she had to check her phone every couple of minutes. 

 

 

[In the Rain]

LOL...wow

 

Really I don't even know what to say.

 

Yeah, I was pretty surprised. I checked in on the girls often and noticed she had a phone out. When I walked her home, I asked if she mostly used it for making calls or texting, and she said it was for texting her friends. Until today, my dd didn't realize texting was an "age appropriate" activity for her peers.  :rolleyes: She only gets to text dh from my phone.

[Joker]

I honestly don't know what I would do for nine year olds. All of older dd's friends have phones and they do use them when they're here, but they're 13/14 and I wouldn't think of telling them no screens. None of her friends had phones, or at least used them here, at nine though. It seems strange.

[In the Rain]

I honestly don't know what I would do for nine year olds. All of older dd's friends have phones and they do use them when they're here, but they're 13/14 and I wouldn't think of telling them no screens. None of her friends had phones, or at least used them here, at nine though. It seems strange.

What age did you allow this? I realize older teens are always on their phones, but I never thought about when kids actually cross that line.

 

I also have an almost 12yo, but none of her friends have pulled out a phone on a playdate. I don't think any of them have texting. 

[redsquirrel]

Well, I had to take away my son's friends' itouch and it almost killed him, lol. But I had the 100% support of his dad. I just said, that the rule is no screen until 4:30, but that I would hold on to the itouch and let him have it then.  FWIW he and my son do have a couple games they play together and it is lots of fun and I am fine with it.

 

So, maybe you tell them the 'rule' about screen time and let her know that if her mom calls or texts you will let her know right away.

 

And my boys have plenty of friends who have a no screens when friends are over rule. Everyone survives.

 

I do bend the rules with some stuff.  My boys and their friends make movies on their itouches and that, to me, is a legitimate thing for them to do. They are moving, creating, interacting, making props, finding music, rehearsing, creating storylines etc etc. That to me is very different from sitting passively playing a reactive game. I will allow movie making to go on all day. Plus, my younger son is insistent that he is going to be a director and I should consider it job training, lol.

[Joker]

What age did you allow this? I realize older teens are always on their phones, but I never thought about when kids actually cross that line.

 

I also have an almost 12yo, but none of her friends have pulled out a phone on a playdate. I don't think any of them have texting. 

 

My eleven year old doesn't use her phone at all. My older dd's friends use them about 25% of the time they are here. They're posting photos to Intsagram, texting a friend who isn't there, or texting parents. It's not a huge amount of time but it is noticeable and they usually charge their phones here. That all started around the time they were 12/13.

[Angie in VA]

I don't like it when adults do that when we meet for tea or a movie or a visit. A child? Forget about it!

[Dory]

We have a basket for cell phones at our house. I haven't had to enforce it with kids yet (thank goodness), but I have it in an obvious place and a lot of adults have added theirs to the pile. Mostly because my mom and my little brother and sister put their in it when they come in and other people have seen them do it.

I think that as my kids friends start bringing phones I'll just tell them that we put the cell phones there when we are in the house and if someone calls we can grab it but mostly we just use the home phone when we are home. That way I don't have to actually address bad manners with texting, or single out a kid, just make it a blanket thing for everyone.

[Joker]

I would have a problem with my dd having to put her phone in a basket or in any other way give it up since the main reason she has it is to contact us whenever she needs to, so I don't have rules like that. I know things weren't like that when we were growing up but there were times I wish they were, so I'm glad for the change.

[In the Rain]

I would have a problem with my dd having to put her phone in a basket or in any other way give it up since the main reason she has it is to contact us whenever she needs to, so I don't have rules like that. I know things weren't like that when we were growing up but there were times I wish they were, so I'm glad for the change.

Yeah, I don't want to confiscate someone's phone. Aside from the safety aspect of kids being able to contact their parents, I don't want to have to monitor the phones. I'd have no way to know if it was her mom or her friend texting or calling. 

[redsquirrel]

I would have a problem with my dd having to put her phone in a basket or in any other way give it up since the main reason she has it is to contact us whenever she needs to, so I don't have rules like that. I know things weren't like that when we were growing up but there were times I wish they were, so I'm glad for the change.

 

So how would you like to have the subject broached? Would it bother you if your 9 year old was texting with other children, taking calls, making plans during a playdate? Or is that ok with you? What if a friend's parent said the house rule is no screen time unless you are communicating with your parent? What would be a good way to meet everyone's needs?

 

I only took the itouch because the dad of the child visiting my home suggested I do so in order to keep his son from breaking the 'no screentime' rule. He knows his 6 year old doesn't have the self control not to play games before 4:30. As it was, he asked me literally almost every 5 mins for 3 hours. Obviously, the dad allows 100% full screen time and I know why he does (he has his kid with him while he is working and he really needs his kid to be occupied sometimes).

 

But, I wouldn't take it away under duress, only remind the child of what our house rules for screentime are. So far, no one has had an issue with it. If anything, my own kids are much more strict about it than I am. I think they would be shocked if a friend started texting other kids during playtime. First of all, because even at 13 my son doesn't have any friends with a phone.

 

I wouldn't leave my phone in a basket because I would forget it. But, I also don't take it out to text with friends etc when I am with people. Obviously, if I need to communicate with someone I excuse myself, and I make sure it is a real need. But, I am not checking my twitter for fun.

[poppy]

So she was hanging out with your daughter texting another girl about a sleepover your daughter wasn't invited to?  And telling your daughter this so she knew what was going on?

That is so insensitive I'd almost call it cruel.  Not ok at any age.

[In the Rain]

So she was hanging out with your daughter texting another girl about a sleepover your daughter wasn't invited to?  And telling your daughter this so she knew what was going on?

That is so insensitive I'd almost call it cruel.  Not ok at any age.

I was so shocked by the fact a 9yo was texting instead of playing, I hadn't thought of it that way. You are right though. It *was* unkind, and dd ended up feeling hurt. 

[Joker]

Redsquirrel, I think it's completely different when a parent tells you it's okay. I also said in my first post that I haven't had this experience with nine year olds. I have had it with older kids and I don't have a problem with them texting other friends. Dd cannot have all of her friends over at once and I know there will be texting to the friends not here. I also don't feel it is okay for me to enforce my own family's rules on others so I don't say there is no screen time on their own phones. I also haven't found my dd's friends to be so rude with their phones. They have never used them while talking with dh or I. They have never used them while eating with us. They have used them while just hanging out, but not so much I find it rude.

[Catwoman]

I would have a problem with my dd having to put her phone in a basket or in any other way give it up since the main reason she has it is to contact us whenever she needs to, so I don't have rules like that.

:iagree:

 

My ds13 simply wouldn't allow another parent to confiscate his phone. He has it so he can call us whenever he wants to, and in all honesty, if a friend's parent wanted to take his phone, I would find it somewhat alarming, because there is no reason to do that.

 

That said, my ds wouldn't be texting other kids while he was at a friend's house. He has better manners than that, and he wouldn't want to hurt his friend's feelings. It sounds to me like the Girl in Question in this thread is a snotty little brat who is trying to act like she's Little Miss Popular in front of the OP's dd.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that the phone wasn't the problem -- it was the kid who was using it.

[Dory]

Yeah, I don't want to confiscate someone's phone. Aside from the safety aspect of kids being able to contact their parents, I don't want to have to monitor the phones. I'd have no way to know if it was her mom or her friend texting or calling. 

 

 

I would have a problem with my dd having to put her phone in a basket or in any other way give it up since the main reason she has it is to contact us whenever she needs to, so I don't have rules like that. I know things weren't like that when we were growing up but there were times I wish they were, so I'm glad for the change.

 

The phone is readily available if anyone needs to quickly text a parent or if it rings it's not like it's muffled in a drawer. I'm not confiscating it. It's not out of reach. I have grabbed mine and used it from the basket. But when it's not on my person, I am less likely to use it unless I really need to. Isn't that the point. I'm not trying to make it so the kids can't use their phone, after all, I'm sure the parents got the phone for the kid so that she could actually use it, not just have it. Setting it down (in ears reach, and in plain sight) just makes it easier to be social with the people you are actually with. I would make sure the kid understood that she could grab it if she needed to. Odds are though, that unless she actually needed to, she'd leave it alone if it wasn't in her hand.

Don't confiscate a phone, that would be inappropriate to do to someone elses child without the parents permission, and it really doesn't help a kid learn how to handle today's electronics wisely on her own.

[In the Rain]

:iagree:

 

My ds13 simply wouldn't allow another parent to confiscate his phone. He has it so he can call us whenever he wants to, and in all honesty, if a friend's parent wanted to take his phone, I would find it somewhat alarming, because there is no reason to do that.

 

That said, my ds wouldn't be texting other kids while he was at a friend's house. He has better manners than that, and he wouldn't want to hurt his friend's feelings. It sounds to me like the Girl in Question in this thread is a snotty little brat who is trying to act like she's Little Miss Popular in front of the OP's dd.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that the phone wasn't the problem -- it was the kid who was using it.

Some adults don't even have the "better manners" you speak of.  :lol: I like to think my kids will be as polite as your ds, when the time comes for them to carry a phone about.

 

Her mom and dad are really nice, so I'm giving the girl the benefit of the doubt. I told my dd the girl in question might be insecure in a new group of friends, and trying to make a "good" impression. There was an equally odd, but entirely different behavior the first time we met her. Hopefully she'll settle in. I really just wondered what kind of limits, if any, to establish on the phone use. 

[lovinmomma]

Honestly, for me, I may try a "hey sweetie, dd is really excited to have you over to play and her feelings are getting a little hurt that you are so distracted. Do you mind if we put your phone on the counter right here for an hour so that you both can enjoy hanging out?" If that didn't work I would feel uncomfortable pressing it further and would instead just reconsider inviting said friend over.

 

My 8 year old has an ipod touch. She just got it. Admittedly, she is pretty obsessed with it right now. I'm hoping the newness will wear off. ;) I never in a million years thought that I would get my 8 year old something like that. My sister introduced me to the idea when she bought one used for her 7 year old. My older kids had both had nintendo ds's until my son decided to wash my daughter's ds to clean it...uhhh...oops. I was on the lookout to buy dd a new to us used ds, but then thought about the itouch. Here are the benefits:

 

1) I bought it used for the same price- cheaper! - than a nintendo ds

2) I have spent exactly $0 on games (compared to at least $10 per game for the ds). Dd only gets free apps and she has to ask first.

3) I don't have to worry about my children losing the games all over the house

4) The main reason I purchased the ipod is because she has lots of family that live out of state and so I installed skype on it to allow her to communicate with her aunts, uncles, cousins, nana and papa, etc. It has helped improve her connectedness to her family tremendously. She loves it and feels more a part of their lives.

 

I wouldn't do this for a different child. Dd is very mature and responsible. I felt that she was ready.

[....]

I don't know if you have a son...but we've noticed a bizarre trend in playdates with boys, too.  My son has been on a number of playdates where the other boy wants my son to watch him surf the internet the entire time or watch him play an iPad app.  I mean, it is really bizarre.  My son usually becomes very frustrated, because he was expecting some kind of interaction - you know, going over to another boy's house.  I picked him up from a sleepover yesterday morning and he told me that he doesn't ever want to go to anyone's house ever again.  He was so upset that he said he wanted to call me to come home (but didn't).  He said all the kids just played on different electronic devices the entire time and he basically just watched them.  He said the kids wouldn't even eat.  

 

These kids don't know how to interact with each other without all these devices.  It's not good for them!  Something is very addicting about these games/devices.   :confused1:   How are they going to get anything done when they go to college?  Also, my husband's work had to ban cell phone use, because the younger employees can't get off their phones.  What is there like addicting electromagnetic rays being emitted from these phones/tablets that are controlling our minds?  What the heck is going on? 

[DawnM]

How odd. The other odd part is that she has so many friends to text with!

 

My 15 year old doesn't have a phone and doesn't want one. Granted, he is my Aspie, but my 13 year old doesn't have one or want one either.

 

I don't even like it when ADULTS text during a get together. I have one friend who texts CONSTANTLY......even during church service. I can't sit with her anymore because even though the sound is off, it is beyond distracting trying to listen to the service and watch her constantly looking at her phone and typing.

 

Dawn

[....]

 

 

My 8 year old has an ipod touch. She just got it. Admittedly, she is pretty obsessed with it right now. I'm hoping the newness will wear off. ;) I never in a million years thought that I would get my 8 year old something like that. 

 

Well, it's ok to have those things...I mean, we have electronics too.  We have a Nook, an old DS and I have an Iphone...  We just have to regulate their *ahem* usage.   :tongue_smilie:  It's easy for my kids to get virtually sucked into Koi Pond World or whatever that app is and never return.  I wonder why these things are so addicting to kids??

[ThisIsTheDay]

. Until today, my dd didn't realize texting was an "age appropriate" activity for her peers. 

 

Hah, I don't think it is, either!

 

I would feel differently about teens and give more leeway.  Actually, I'd stay out of it completely and only comment if it were egregious.  As for putting my phone in someone's basket when I come into their house, no.  I'm a big girl, and I would not feel comfortable doing that.

 

Nine years old and can't stop texting.  Hmm.  What nine year old plans their own sleepover date?  Funny that I'm reading this right after the socialization thread.  lol

[Parrothead]

Well, I can tell you I'd be pretty ticked if someone took dd's phone from her while visiting . I'd find that just as rude as constant texting while visiting.

 

The thing to do would tell the parents prior to any further visits that you do not allow screen/phone time before XX time and would they please remind their child of that. At that point they can decide if they want to allow the play dates to continue in your home.

[NotSoObvious]

Well, I strongly disagree with kids that age having access to a phone without supervision, so that child would probably just not be invited over again unless there was some reason I felt compelled to try to remedy the situation with the parents. 

 

Using the phone to call her parents just doesn't fly with me. I would never send my 9 year old to a play date where I thought she would need that kind of life line. 

 

[*********]

Yeah, I was pretty surprised. I checked in on the girls often and noticed she had a phone out. When I walked her home, I asked if she mostly used it for making calls or texting, and she said it was for texting her friends. Until today, my dd didn't realize texting was an "age appropriate" activity for her peers.  :rolleyes: She only gets to text dh from my phone.

 

When I read your post initially, I was nodding my head and agreeing.

 

And then I remembered that ds10 texts from his own phone.  :blushing:

 

To be *fair*, he only texts his older sister (dsd19), because she doesn't live with us anymore and he wants to stay in touch with her; especially when she's away at college.

 

AND he only has a phone because we gave him my old prepaid when we got smart phones.

 

Ugh. I really do agree that texting your other friends during a play date when you're 9 years old shouldn't be the norm. I guess I'm kinda a hypocrite because my boy had a phone when he was even younger than that. I guess the difference is that we set up clear expectations regarding phone usage; one of which is that he  does NOT have unlimited access to text whoever he wants whenever he wants.

[PeacefulChaos]

A new friend came over to play with dd and spent a fair amount of time texting another friend. She also took a phone call from a friend. Aside from the fact that it is rude, I just don't like the thought of kids hanging out in her bedroom texting. I want them playing.  :tongue_smilie:

 

Can I say something to dd's friend? What would I say? FWIW, dd is 9, and doesn't have her own phone. 

 

Do you have rules about friends texting while at your house? 

 

How old?

 

I honestly don't see a problem with it.  I would take a call, text, etc, if I was at someone's house.  I honestly don't know anyone who wouldn't.  That's just part of the way life is now - at least where I live.

I'm assuming since this girl has a phone she's at least 10-12?  

 

ETA: Ok somehow I missed that your DD is 9.  So I'm guessing she's about the same age.  

Sorry, I still don't see it as a big deal.  

[marbel]

I don't think the phone is the problem.  The girl needs some training in social skills.

 

If the girls' relationship is not close (and it sounds like it isn't), I'd be inclined to let it go and figure the friendship will fade naturally.

 

If otherwise the friendship seems solid, and you are comfortable with the mom, I might just tell her what happened and how it hurt your daughter.  That gives her an opportunity to do some training with her child.  Or not, if she doesn't see a problem.  But then at least you know what you're dealing with.

 

Whether or not it's appropriate for 9 year olds to have cellphones isn't the point.  That mother feels it's appropriate.

 

This is a bit off topic but I've seen mention of limiting screen time on this thread.  Am I the only one who lets screen time limits go when friends are over, if they want to do something involving screens?  Assuming it's appropriate, of course.  If some kids came over and wanted to watch, say, Dr. Who, and I knew all the kids watched it in their own homes, I don't see any reason to say no. 

 

 

[PeacefulChaos]

So if I came over to hang out with you and texted most of the time you wouldn't see the big deal?

 

I wouldn't appreciate that.  Why bother visiting?

 

Well, I can't say I would text all the time.  But if a text comes, I'll usually answer it unless I'm in serious conversation with someone.  If the phone rang, it would most likely be DH (no one else calls me lol) so I wouldn't hesitate to answer, and I think it would be rude of someone to expect me not to. *shrug*

I'll also text someone if I just forgot something or wanted to ask them something.  I did so the other night when I was out having dessert night with a good friend.  She didn't care - it was about something that affected her, too, so I just went ahead and texted.

 

Granted, I don't ever just 'visit' people.  Usually there is some other thing - moms Bible study (where yes, I'll answer a text), someone coming over to look at some curriculum to see if they like it (not really there for me, kwim?), our kids are playing together, etc.  

[LisaD]

Wow! I agree with pps about the insensitivity and rudeness of the phone use during the play date. My children are much younger (3 &4) so we haven't had to deal with that yet. I've heard of the basket idea and part of me likes it, but here's where I have hesitation....if my children (when they are old enough to have phones) were at another person's house I think I would want their phone on their person. I'd like to think my children will be safe and I will have been careful about whose house I let them go to, but that doesn't mean children can't still be violated in seemingly safe situations/settings. In the horrible, rare chance that something were to happen to my child or if they got a funny/creepy feeling about a situation or person while at someone else's house, I wouldn't want them to have to draw attention to the fact that they needed to call me (by getting the phone out of a centrally located basket) and then still have to wait for me to come get them. If the phone is on their person, they could discretely text me to come get them now (no questions asked). With that said, I plan to train my kids in cell phone etiquette in social settings and enforce those guidelines. So, I would want to know if my child was acting like the visitor in op situation so I could appropriately deal with it.

 

Maybe I'm s little paranoid about the 'bad guys' of the world and maybe my viewpoint will change a bit when my kids get to be that age, but that's how I feel now.

[trulycrabby]

I would probably just send the girl home. If she wants to text her frieends, she can do it somwhere else.

[redsquirrel]

 

 

This is a bit off topic but I've seen mention of limiting screen time on this thread.  Am I the only one who lets screen time limits go when friends are over, if they want to do something involving screens?  Assuming it's appropriate, of course.  If some kids came over and wanted to watch, say, Dr. Who, and I knew all the kids watched it in their own homes, I don't see any reason to say no. 

 

I doubt you are the only one, but I don't. And that seems to be the norm in my community. My kids enjoy watching Doctor Who with their friends, but they know they have to wait until 4:30 if they do it at my house. We only have one friend who allows free access to media/screens. And I don't mean to say no boundaries whatsoever, just not limiting time. The vast majority keep the media quite restricted and the way it seems to work between families is that the house with the stricter media rules takes precedence. If we have friends over and they don't allow media on weekdays, or not when the sun is up, etc then I follow that rule.

 

I also live in a university town and not having cable, television etc is typical. My son is 13 and he doesn't know any kids his age with a phone. I am sure there are lots who do, just not in our circles. I am sure that will change next year when his peer group starts high school.

 

In fact, I am more likely to relax my rule (allow it at 4pm, say) if there are no friends over, it's too hot to go outside, and the kids have done their chores etc.

[Ravin]

My 9yo. has a phone. She has better manners than to do what the op described. She also has friends who readily call her out if they perceive her behavior as rude who had to be told that answering texts from parents is an exception to the rule.

[TammyinTN]

A new friend came over to play with dd and spent a fair amount of time texting another friend. She also took a phone call from a friend. Aside from the fact that it is rude, I just don't like the thought of kids hanging out in her bedroom texting. I want them playing.  :tongue_smilie:

 

Can I say something to dd's friend? What would I say? FWIW, dd is 9, and doesn't have her own phone. 

 

Do you have rules about friends texting while at your house? 

Who the heck is a 9 year old texting?  I would have a no phones at my house rule.   They could use my phone to only call their parents. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

How obnoxious.

 

My son had a friend who came over with a 3DS and kept going off to seclude himself in another room and play. I made him put it away. On another play date with another friend, I asked the friend's mom to keep the 3DS at home for similar reasons.

 

I absolutely not against electronics. We have a ton here and I'm probably more liberal with screen time than some, and definitely for play dates, but I don't like it when they interfere with communication. I have no problem with a pair of boys playing side by side on the Wii and discussing how to conquer a difficult level, for example.

 

On this case, I don't know that I'd confiscate the phone, but I would say something to the kid and the parent. And I would probably discontinue play dates if it wasn't stopped.

[Haiku]

Do you have rules about friends texting while at your house?

No, because I have never encountered this with my youngers and my oldest is 19, so I don't monitor her friends' texting habits when they come to our house. ;)

 

I would, however, tell the girl in question that if she's coming over to play then she needs to play and not hang out with her phone. I would tell her I'd be happy to put her phone in a safe place so it doesn't get lost/broken. I'd tell her that if she'd rather use her phone than play, she can go home and use her phone.

[Myra]

I would be very upset if my son's phones were confiscated or asked to be put in a basket.  In today's world, the cell phone is our safety net and open line of communication between kids and parents. (Saying that....we didn't buy cell phones until my oldest went off to college!) 

 

I think what you are objecting to is the use of the phone instead of a "traditional" playdate that you and your daughter were  anticipating.  In that case, I think it's up to your daughter to set the ground rules that she feels comfortable with and work it out with her friends on her own.  She should have told her friend that all the texting is ruining the fun time and that it hurts her feelings especially when she's making plans that exclude her.  This is the new social interaction that your daughter and her friends are going to encounter - so you can help your daughter learn how to handle this situation on her own and in a confident/non-aggressive/friendly manner.    Just like you would need to work it out "if" you felt uncomfortable if one of your friends texted while visiting you -

 

Another social skill this new technology is teaching us......

 

 

Myra

[Loowit]

I would probably just let there be natural consequences for the texter. If she comes over and my DD doesn't have a good time because said friend is spending it texting, DD won't invite her over again. No need for me to impose my sense of rules or anything on them. My DD got her cell phone when she was 9 because she needed it for some of her activities where phones weren't readily available if something were to happen. She has limited texting and has never gone over her limit or actually anywhere close. I can't see her spending her whole time texting while at a friend's house visiting. I do however expect her to have her phone available if something were to come up.

 

It sounds like there were three girls over if I read the background correctly. Maybe this girl felt left out of things and so she decided to start talking to another friend. I know that sometimes when there is an odd number someone may feel left out. Just a thought.

[In the Rain]

OP here.

 

Wow! Who knew this would be such a hot topic. There are too many replies to address each one individually, but I appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts.

 

FTR, I never suggested taking her phone away! I wouldn't dream of it. I'd be suspicious of any adult who tried to take the phone from my dd. I also don't want to be responsible for her phone, or have to attend to whether or not her parents are contacting her. My own phone keeps me busy enough.  :laugh:

 

I'm not judging the fact that she owns a phone, or can text. I was just genuinely surprised, and wondered if I needed to set some kind of limit. I don't want my own dd, or the other kids who are visiting, looking over this girl's shoulder, texting with strangers. What popped into my head initially was the thread on here about the girl being harassed with texts and ipad videos from "friends". I don't want my dd getting caught up in something inappropriate or unkind. I'm not saying this girl is inherently unkind, but groups of kids do things they'd never do individually, KWIM?

 

I agree with Loowit that the girl could have felt left out, or didn't like the variety of games the other girls were playing. Her mom said she was shy, so that also could have been a problem. Three kids makes for a tough play date, but we already had 1 girl over when the 2nd showed up at the door. I didn't want to turn her away. When I get to know her better, I'll say something. Or maybe I'll help my 9yo come up with something to say. Loowit is right that this is our new reality, and we have to learn the social skills that apply to it. Neighborhoods have enough drama.  Honestly, I wouldn't send her home for texting and contribute to the drama.  :tongue_smilie: I'd rather see all the girls of the neighborhood find a way to play together.

[In the Rain]

 

This is a bit off topic but I've seen mention of limiting screen time on this thread.  Am I the only one who lets screen time limits go when friends are over, if they want to do something involving screens?  Assuming it's appropriate, of course.  If some kids came over and wanted to watch, say, Dr. Who, and I knew all the kids watched it in their own homes, I don't see any reason to say no. 

 

It depends on what they want to do. My 9yo and a different new friend spent almost 2 hours making a slideshow of their AG dolls in different outfits, and then set the show to music. I thought that was great, although watching it was a bit tedious.  ;)

 

I wouldn't let them watch TV or movies unless it was a very long play date or things just weren't going well. The way I see it, my dd can watch a Netflix video by herself or with me. Playing puppies, ponies, Calico Critters, and spending hours using sidewalk chalk are best done with other kids.  :laugh: If we have friends over, I want them to make the best use of their time.

 

That being said, I just bought a bunch of movie candy and a popcorn popper for a movie watching treat. And I planned to invite some friends. So I guess I'm actually inviting kids over just to watch a movie, right after saying they should be playing instead.  :leaving:

[Joanne]

My first thought when reading the subject line was that a child young enough for a "play date" shouldn't have "texting" as an issue. A child old enough to text would be aged out of "play dates." In context of the OP and subsequent info, I would find the 9 year old rude and unkind - texting was the vehicle but not the content of the rude.

 

To speak my $.02 on the meta topic, I try hard to filter all assessments of "kids today" through the reality that each subsequent generation has been critical of the younger generation and developed dire predictions about the end of morality, courtesy, ethics, character, and sometimes the world. ;)

 

My own kids went through the elementary ages pre-text immersion. I have always had the "house all the kids go to" and that has not changed. I typically have a garage full of teens. They typically sit around, on their phones with social media (they tend to be a setting or two ahead of their parents), or with the teens non in attendance. As much as "we" might see a decline in courtesy and communication and be alarmed about relationship skills - THEY don't experience that. They perceive being quite interactive, connected, and engaged.

 

OTOH, I have a clinician friend who works at an acute psychiatric ER. This is a man I trust in terms of what he reports. He reports that a significant number of the precipitating events to teens coming to his facility is when a parent takes away a phone.

 

In general, I don't think that technology is leading us or the younger generation towards the negative. I have also observed, in select circles such as homeschoolers, it becomes common (one might say trendy) to adopt an anti-trendy, anti-youth culture, anti-technological, anti-modern culture perspective. I did that for a portion of my parenting years. I eventually began evaluating each item individually, on its own merits.

 

I remember spending HOURS on the phone, connected by a long coiled dirty tan cord, wrapped around the living room, kitchen, and dining room. In spite of dire predictions that my ear would grow around the phone, I eventually turned out "ok."

 

:)

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

We've had this happen and it's quite an issue. My dd doesn't have a phone let alone an iPhone which two of her friends have  :huh: .  I usually ask for the phone with their coat or suggest water play.  My having it is so it "doesn't get broken or wet".  Their parents have no problem texting while you are talking to them so.....

[magnificent_baby]

Haven't read the other responses.

 

I would find that very annoying. If you have her over again, I'd ask for her to put it down somewhere. That would also eliminate any potential for it to be broken while at your house (and your family being responsible) or inappropriate internet use.

[BakersDozen]

nm