Just a vent about not being invited to rehearsal dinner

[bettyandbob]

I had no idea the groom's parents are expected to host and pay for the rehearsal dinner.

 

This just further cements my resolve to whisper "elope, elope, elope, elope, elope, elope" into my son's and any future dil's ears every chance I get. Weddings have become money-sucks, rude-fests and too much ado about nothing, IMO.

This has been traditional for a very long time. Following tradition does not mean you have to spend thousands. My brother got married in 1982. My parents set up tables in their dining room, living room, and family room. Furniture was moved out and tables and table clothes were borrowed. My parents did exhaust themselves by doing a formal meal with courses they, my sister and I prepared. But they wanted the formality. My best friend got married in 1988. The rehearsal dinner was at her MIL's home, but it wasn't not a sit down dinner. It was huge amounts of Italian food served buffet. Guests got their food in the kitchen and ate in the living room or finished basement.

 

It takes a little effort, but gobs of money do not need to be flushed down the toilet.

[Renthead Mommy]

Wanted to add that because I would be really worried the bride and family are just socially clueless or so out there trying to be different, i would make sure they realize they need to write thank you notes. I would flat out state it to avoid the idea that it is just a suggestion. You may even want to offer to sit down with the two of them and help address envelopes.

[bolt.]

Wanted to add that because I would be really worried the bride and family are just socially clueless or so out there trying to be different, i would make sure they realize they need to write thank you notes. I would flat out state it to avoid the idea that it is just a suggestion. You may even want to offer to sit down with the two of them and help address envelopes.

 

I was under the impression that people who are not children have the personal freedom to be impolite to others -- without one's MIL going beyond "just suggesting" that they might want to mind their manners!!!

 

Thank you notes are a good thing to do.

 

Offering to help is fine.

 

"Worrying" about the bride being socially clueless is inappropriate. Lots of people are socially clueless. Maybe you get one when you get a DIL -- if so, that's what you got a DIL who is who she is -- not a new project or someone for you to treat as a child until she attains your desired level of social skills. Whether or not one's DIL has the social skills to be rightly thankful on proper paper goods is not the business of the MIL. It may have repercussions if she does not, but even so: those repercussions are also not the business of the MIL.

 

Respect and personal boundaries are SO! important in healthy in-law situations. Healthy MILs do not "make sure" of anything (though they may "make them aware" of an issue in a way that does not communicate pressure). The words, "You need to..." never leave the lips of a healthy MIL -- unless maybe the situation involves health, legalities or basic ethics. Anything else is simply bossy.

 

Without parental management, young couples will likely make mistakes. None the less, parental management is completely unacceptable and unwelcome in all relationships with adult children. If they want advice, they will ask.

[marbel]

"Worrying" about the bride being socially clueless is inappropriate. Lots of people are socially clueless. Maybe you get one when you get a DIL -- if so, that's what you got a DIL who is who she is -- not a new project or someone for you to treat as a child until she attains your desired level of social skills. Whether or not one's DIL has the social skills to be rightly thankful on proper paper goods is not the business of the MIL. It may have repercussions if she does not, but even so: those repercussions are also not the business of the MIL.

 

Love this.

 

I was 39 when I got married and perfectly aware of all the etiquette associated with weddings, gifts, etc.  Still, my MIL "suggested" proper behavior to me in her very passive-aggressive fashion.  Come to think of it, 18 years on, she's still doing it.

 

Somehow she got the impression that any social errors on my part would be a negative reflection on her.  

 

She was wrong.  My social errors are a reflection on me.  And only me! 

 

BTW is there evidence from the OP that the bride and groom are socially clueless and don't know enough to send thank you notes?

[Heather in Neverland]

I had no idea the groom's parents are expected to host and pay for the rehearsal dinner.

 

This just further cements my resolve to whisper "elope, elope, elope, elope, elope, elope" into my son's and any future dil's ears every chance I get. Weddings have become money-sucks, rude-fests and too much ado about nothing, IMO.

I just said this to my oldest the other day! Elope. Or do something very small and intimate. I would rather give him money to get started in life than throw it all away on a wedding. I wish my parents would have given me the option.

[Renthead Mommy]

 

I was under the impression that people who are not children have the personal freedom to be impolite to others -- without one's MIL going beyond "just suggesting" that they might want to mind their manners!!!

 

Thank you notes are a good thing to do.

 

Offering to help is fine.

 

"Worrying" about the bride being socially clueless is inappropriate. Lots of people are socially clueless. Maybe you get one when you get a DIL -- if so, that's what you got a DIL who is who she is -- not a new project or someone for you to treat as a child until she attains your desired level of social skills. Whether or not one's DIL has the social skills to be rightly thankful on proper paper goods is not the business of the MIL. It may have repercussions if she does not, but even so: those repercussions are also not the business of the MIL.

 

Respect and personal boundaries are SO! important in healthy in-law situations. Healthy MILs do not "make sure" of anything (though they may "make them aware" of an issue in a way that does not communicate pressure). The words, "You need to..." never leave the lips of a healthy MIL -- unless maybe the situation involves health, legalities or basic ethics. Anything else is simply bossy.

 

Without parental management, young couples will likely make mistakes. None the less, parental management is completely unacceptable and unwelcome in all relationships with adult children. If they want advice, they will ask.

 

 

Fine, MIL shouldn't suggest things to their DILs.  But MOTHERS have every right to tell their kid something, especially something they already know. And I'd be damn sure that no matter what my DIL is currently telling my son about the needs of thank you notes, He knows better and better write out a thank you note or I'd be damn disappointed him.  No one said the bride had to write them out, but someone better.

[Renthead Mommy]

 

 

BTW is there evidence from the OP that the bride and groom are socially clueless and don't know enough to send thank you notes?

 

Only the entire fact of how they handled the rehersal dinner.  If they are socially clueless at that, who knows how badly the thank you notes could go.

[unfrumpable.]

Fine, MIL shouldn't suggest things to their DILs.  But MOTHERS have every right to tell their kid something, especially something they already know. And I'd be damn sure that no matter what my DIL is currently telling my son about the needs of thank you notes, He knows better and better write out a thank you note or I'd be damn disappointed him.  No one said the bride had to write them out, but someone better.

Wow. If I was your adult child, I wouldn't write them out just to spite you. Or, write them but tell you I didn't. An adult child is an adult. They can write thank you notes if they like, or they cannot write them, if they like. Once your child is an adult, you lose the ability to demand they do anything. You can only hope that whatever you taught your child will be remembered and used.

[bolt.]

Fine, MIL shouldn't suggest things to their DILs. But MOTHERS have every right to tell their kid something, especially something they already know. And I'd be damn sure that no matter what my DIL is currently telling my son about the needs of thank you notes, He knows better and better write out a thank you note or I'd be damn disappointed him. No one said the bride had to write them out, but someone better.

See, respect and good boundaries would see this like this:

 

You get to decide whether or not to be bossy and demanding towards your adult, married, independant children. There may be repercussions for your choices (including loss of respect and being treated in a formal and distant manner).

 

Your adult independant married child gets to decide how to respond to your demands. He may or may not decide that he can cope with having you be "damn disappointed".

 

These "halfs" of the situation should indicate to any parent of adult children that you now own only your words. You no longer have the authority to create the kind of power dynamic that you imagine. Continual presumptions to (non-existsant) power in your post-parenting relationship are likely to poison it.

[Renthead Mommy]

See, respect and good boundaries would see this like this:

 

You get to decide whether or not to be bossy and demanding towards your adult, married, independant children. There may be repercussions for your choices (including loss of respect and being treated in a formal and distant manner).

 

Your adult independant married child gets to decide how to respond to your demands. He may or may not decide that he can cope with having you be "damn disappointed".

 

These "halfs" of the situation should indicate to any parent of adult children that you now own only your words. You no longer have the authority to create the kind of power dynamic that you imagine. Continual presumptions to (non-existsant) power in your post-parenting relationship are likely to poison it.

 

 

It's not a demand and it's not bossy.  It's an expectation.

 

 You expect me (and I expect me) to pay for your rehersal dinner and part of your wedding, I expect you to abide by the rules of a civilized society.  You have a wedding, you write thank you notes.  My kid knows this.  I don't care what the trend is at the time, you want my $20,000 + or whatever portion of your wedding, I don't think expecting someone to write thank you notes is asking too much.   

[bolt.]

If that's the way you feel, I suggest you make your conditions of wedding financing very clear up front. Families that run on spontaneous expectations and exaggerated disappointment tend to either explode or intentionally grow apart.

 

Adult children rarely follow instructions and often fail to meet expectations. I suppose you're allowed to make that into a big deal -- but there really isn't much positive on that path.

[Renthead Mommy]

If that's the way you feel, I suggest you make your conditions of wedding financing very clear up front. Families that run on spontaneous expectations and exaggerated disappointment tend to either explode or intentionally grow apart.

 

Adult children rarely follow instructions and often fail to meet expectations. I suppose you're allowed to make that into a big deal -- but there really isn't much positive on that path.

 

 

What are you talking about?  None of what I have said is certainly not a 'spontaneous expectation'.  It's not like it's going to pop up first the first time at a wedding.  It's just part of life.   It's not a case of you only get money if you do it this way.  It's a case of this is how it is done.  Not something that would need to be sprung on him suddenly.  

[marbel]

What are you talking about?  None of what I have said is certainly not a 'spontaneous expectation'.  It's not like it's going to pop up first the first time at a wedding.  It's just part of life.   It's not a case of you only get money if you do it this way.  It's a case of this is how it is done.  Not something that would need to be sprung on him suddenly.  

 

But how would you make sure it happened?   If you gave your son $x for a wedding, how would you be sure he did those things that you expect of him?   I get that all those things would be part of his upbringing - you've probably been teaching him to write thank you notes for years, right?  But what if he didn't follow your expectations?  Other than being disappointed, what would you do?  Ask for your money back?  (Being facetious there.)  Kids disappoint their parents all the time, despite their upbringing.   

[inmyopinion]

Love this.

 

I was 39 when I got married and perfectly aware of all the etiquette associated with weddings, gifts, etc.  Still, my MIL "suggested" proper behavior to me in her very passive-aggressive fashion.  Come to think of it, 18 years on, she's still doing it.

 

Somehow she got the impression that any social errors on my part would be a negative reflection on her.  

 

She was wrong.  My social errors are a reflection on me.  And only me! 

 

BTW is there evidence from the OP that the bride and groom are socially clueless and don't know enough to send thank you notes?

 

 

Wait, do we have the same MIL?  

[Audrey]

I just said this to my oldest the other day! Elope. Or do something very small and intimate. I would rather give him money to get started in life than throw it all away on a wedding. I wish my parents would have given me the option.

 

 

I think that's really nice that you'd still give them something to get started.   Some parents wouldn't consider that, but would spend huge amounts if there were a wedding.  I don't think all the push for big weddings only comes from the couple getting married.  Sometimes the push is from parents who just want to show off. 

 

We eloped.  In a way, it was consideration for our parents that made that an easy decision.  Dh's mother was in the middle of chemo treatments for a cancer that just kept coming back and, my father was debilitated by heart disease to such an extent that travel would have wiped him out for weeks afterwards.  There was no way to include all our parents.  And, my mother had died a few years prior.

 

To be very honest, if my mother had been alive, I think I would have tried to plan a very small affair at my parent's place. But, the thought of planning a wedding without her was... too painful to consider.

 

All in all, it worked out for the best. Eloping is a very good choice for a huge variety of reasons, cost being only one of them.  And, 15 years later, dh and I are still each other's best friend and still some kind of crazy about each other.  I know that's just anecdotal, but I still believe that the wedding doesn't make the marriage.

[marbel]

  I know that's just anecdotal, but I still believe that the wedding doesn't make the marriage.

 

I'd be really surprised to find that there is any relationship between the size/type of wedding and the happiness/longevity of the marriage.   If anything, I'd bet that marriages that start with a hugely expensive, "showy" wedding would have a higher chance of failing.  But that's just a guess on my part with no actual information to back it up.  

 

In my own case (and arguing against myself), the marriage begun with a simple ceremony at a judge's office and lunch out with the family ended in divorce, while the marriage begun with a smallish (70 guests) wedding is still in fine shape after just about 18 years.  I think it had more to do with the maturity of the main participants than the actual wedding, though. ;)

[Lisbeth]

I had no idea the groom's parents are expected to host and pay for the rehearsal dinner.

 

This just further cements my resolve to whisper "elope, elope, elope, elope, elope, elope" into my son's and any future dil's ears every chance I get.   Weddings have become money-sucks, rude-fests and too much ado about nothing, IMO.

 

I think the groom's parents are getting off easy with this tradition.  The bride's parents traditionally took on the bulk of the wedding expense.  The elements of a wedding can still be done reasonably on a budget.

 

This is really not what wedding have become, but what they traditionally have been for a long time.  This is not a recent tradition.

 

Something like charging guests for their dinner would be a more recent (and tacky, imo) development.

[Lisbeth]

See, respect and good boundaries would see this like this:

 

You get to decide whether or not to be bossy and demanding towards your adult, married, independant children. There may be repercussions for your choices (including loss of respect and being treated in a formal and distant manner).

 

Your adult independant married child gets to decide how to respond to your demands. He may or may not decide that he can cope with having you be "damn disappointed".

 

These "halfs" of the situation should indicate to any parent of adult children that you now own only your words. You no longer have the authority to create the kind of power dynamic that you imagine. Continual presumptions to (non-existsant) power in your post-parenting relationship are likely to poison it.

 

Yep, so many families find this out the hard way.  As in, when their adult children put them on low contact.

[Heather in Neverland]

I think that's really nice that you'd still give them something to get started. Some parents wouldn't consider that, but would spend huge amounts if there were a wedding. I don't think all the push for big weddings only comes from the couple getting married. Sometimes the push is from parents who just want to show off.

 

We eloped. In a way, it was consideration for our parents that made that an easy decision. Dh's mother was in the middle of chemo treatments for a cancer that just kept coming back and, my father was debilitated by heart disease to such an extent that travel would have wiped him out for weeks afterwards. There was no way to include all our parents. And, my mother had died a few years prior.

 

To be very honest, if my mother had been alive, I think I would have tried to plan a very small affair at my parent's place. But, the thought of planning a wedding without her was... too painful to consider.

 

All in all, it worked out for the best. Eloping is a very good choice for a huge variety of reasons, cost being only one of them. And, 15 years later, dh and I are still each other's best friend and still some kind of crazy about each other. I know that's just anecdotal, but I still believe that the wedding doesn't make the marriage.

Aww, that sounds just like my brother and his wife. She was very close with her father and he died suddenly just a few months after she and my brother were engaged. She said if her father could not walk her down the aisle then she did not want a big wedding. So they eloped... Old school style... As in they told no one but me (so I could feed their dog while they were gone). It was very romantic.

 

 

As for me? Well, I am the only daughter and my wedding was essentially my mother living through me and planning the wedding she never had. I swear it took on a life of its own and I was merely a spectator. But it made my mom exceedingly happy so I was willing to go through all of that for her. It was a beautiful wedding and while I don't necessarily regret it, I hate thinking about all the money spent on one night (and what we could have done with that money).

 

If my children decide to elope or do something small then we will definitely give them money we would have used for their wedding to get a start. When I was pregnant, my mom told me she could throw me a big baby shower, or she could give me all the money she was going to spend on the shower and I could just buy what I want/need.

 

Guess who went shopping? ;)

[Crimson Wife]

I think it had more to do with the maturity of the main participants than the actual wedding, though. ;)

I'd say in certain cases wanting to spite the doomsayers can get immature spouses through the rocky patches until they have time to grow up. No way in h-e-double-hockey-sticks was I going to give up on my marriage and have to listen to "I told you so!" from everybody who was against us getting married when we did. Stubbornness can be a virtue!

[Word Nerd]

So much drama over a hypothetical situation! Nobody's adult children have refused to write thank-you notes after their wedding--including the OP's.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

Something like charging guests for their dinner be a more recent (and tacky, imo) development.

did you see the story of the bride who used facebook to blast some friends (either in college, or recently graduated with lots of debt.  it was generous for their budget).  who gave her $100 as a gift as not enough to cover their inclusion at her reception, and that she expected them to send her more $$$ to cover the $200 per plate tab.

 

somehow, I expect her marriage will not last very long.   if you can't afford the wedding and reception you want, do something less expensive.   you'll have less stress.   I think over the top productions have become ridiculous, and have lost sight of the beauty of two people joining their lives together.

[Myra]

I think traditions are mostly just guidelines for people who feel comfortable having a rulebook to follow in life.  I think that when it comes to weddings that the bride and groom need to sit down together to discuss their expectations concerning their wedding:  size, cost, "venue", financial responsibilities & budgets, etc.  Then the bride needs to talk seperately with her own parents for advice & input & realistic parent financial contribution, if any, while the groom talks to his. Armed with the info from the parents' meeting, the bride and groom then make the final decisions. 

 

I don't think the bride pays always for this and the groom for that.....those days are long gone.   Even the ideas of rehearsal dinners, thank you notes, who walks who down an aisle, etc are open to revision!

 

Myra

[bettyandbob]

I think traditions are mostly just guidelines for people who feel comfortable having a rulebook to follow in life. I think that when it comes to weddings that the bride and groom need to sit down together to discuss their expectations concerning their wedding: size, cost, "venue", financial responsibilities & budgets, etc. Then the bride needs to talk seperately with her own parents for advice & input & realistic parent financial contribution, if any, while the groom talks to his. Armed with the info from the parents' meeting, the bride and groom then make the final decisions.

 

I don't think the bride pays always for this and the groom for that.....those days are long gone. Even the ideas of rehearsal dinners, thank you notes, who walks who down an aisle, etc are open to revision!

 

Myra

The key is everyone needs to communicate what the expectations and roles are. It doesn't sound like that happened for the op. The bride may have assumed the groom's mom was doing the rehearsal dinner from the get go and then was surprised the grooms mother was not doing it. The groom's mother seems to have assumed the venue rental was her contribution.

 

I think traditional roles are a nice guide to start with. People can sit down and say "yes, I plan to do XYZ traditional role." Or they can say " I'm not going to be able to do the traditional thing. I can help with ABC. " it's good to familiarize yourself with what the traditional roles are and communicate whether or not you intend to play that part. It's fine to say you won't be able to any of it. Just say it upfront, early in the planning so the other parties know what to expect.

 

Early communication goes a long way to preventing hurt feelings and disputes later.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, i am a mother-in-law. 

 

i reckon its my job to love my child's choice, and to find things to like and enjoy.

(eta: i made this decision long before i met dsil..... it turns out he's a great guy, but i had seen some parents-in-law really struggling, and decided i needed to be clear on where i stood in advance, kwim?)

 

around the wedding time, i just went for lots and lots of communication.... regular breakfasts with my dd's future in-laws, etc.

 

there were some assumptions around the wedding that we talked thru with the couple and the inlaws.

we ended up with a very traditional wedding, but with creative financing solutions.... both parents split the wedding cost, because we could only afford $10,000 and that wasn't enough for the wedding that any of them imagined.  it was a lot for us, but we were happy to be open to dsil's parents adding in that much again.  they hosted the rehearsal dinner, which was at a restaurant and amazing.... many people, fabulous food, fabulous wines, etc, etc.... but they are older than we are, and both had great incomes.... so we decided to just enjoy it all.

 

meanwhile, when dh and i got married, my mom did the rehearsal dinner, and his folks paid for the wedding reception.  we paid for the actual wedding, again, based on what people could do and wanted to do.

 

for you, at this point, i hope the wedding went well.  and i'd start a tradition of sunday dinners together or sunday breakfasts together, or sunday morning skpye dates or ..... anything that gives you all a chance to communicate. 

 

and i'd journal like a crazy person to try to figure out my part in it.  (eg.  said very gently, as computer communication lacks nuance, but i was puzzled when you posted that you had said to her: "if i'm invited".... it might help a lot if you can figure out where that came from..... )

 

hope the wedding went off "with a hitch" ;)

ann

[MyThreeSons]

How did the wedding go?

[Rosie_0801]

What's a rehearsal dinner for? Not wanting to cook that night isn't an Event, in my mind...

[WishboneDawn]

Can't vent on FB so I will vent here and see what you ladies (and gents) think.

 

My son is getting married tomorrow and I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner. I have no clue why. I get along with DIL2B well. I do not offer advice or meddle. I paid for the wedding venue and both the outfits for the flower girls (my granddaughters). I would have paid for the rehearsal dinner as well....had I been invited. I asked her about it once and got a "uhhhhhhhhhh, not sure on the day yet". I told her to please let me know when it was, if I was invited (I made sure I put that in there), so I can make sure I have the day off. Never heard another word about it. I asked my son when it was and he said "Brittney is taking care of all of that...I just have to show up."

 

I am just sitting here, the night before the wedding with hurt feelers I guess. I will get over it but it just seems odd to be left out. What say the hive?

I would not hold on to bad feelings. As others said, there was too much potential here for miscommunication. I'm not sure why you didn't simply call the day of our before the rehearsal.

 

I would apologize for not attending the rehearsal supper to both but take my son aside later and have a small chat with him. It is NOT fair that he abdicated responsibility by laying responsibility at his fiancee`s feet for inviting his mom to a dinner. She is not his secretary, you are his mom, he screwed up. 

[Dana]

What's a rehearsal dinner for? Not wanting to cook that night isn't an Event, in my mind...

For us, it was a way for those members in the wedding party to get out together.

Ours was at a pizza place where we told dh's parents we were engaged :)

 

But we also did a cheap wedding...potluck reception at the church, flowers done by dh's uncle who was a florist (BEAUTIFUL flowers!), photos by dh's cousin.

[bettyandbob]

What's a rehearsal dinner for? Not wanting to cook that night isn't an Event, in my mind...

Typically the rehearsal is the day/evening before the ceremony. The wedding party has dinner together after the rehearsal. The both sets of parents usually have a role in the wedding so they are included in the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. This is traditionally hosted by the groom's parents. Sometimes wedding guest who have come from out of town are invited too. It does need to be a big deal affair. I've been to two in the groom's parents' home. A pizza parlor is fine or Mexican or Chinese. It's the night before the wedding, so simple, easy, relaxed makes sense.

[marbel]

What's a rehearsal dinner for? Not wanting to cook that night isn't an Event, in my mind...

 

LOL, nothing to do with anyone not wanting to cook.  :)

 

From Wikipedia:

 

A rehearsal dinner is a pre-wedding ceremony in North American tradition, usually held after the wedding rehearsal and the night before the wedding ceremony.

 

The guests generally include the couple to be married and others who form the wedding party, but may also include extended family and out-of-town guests. The rehearsal dinner costs are traditionally incurred by the groom's parents. However, modern traditions allow for either the bride's or the groom's parents to incur these costs.

 

The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is for the relatives and friends of the bride and groom to meet and have a good time. The couple generally takes this opportunity to thank everyone who has helped with the wedding preparations. Activities generally include toasting (or roasting) and the presentation of small gifts for those who have helped plan the wedding.

 

I find the bolded part hilarious.   Allow for?  Only parents can pay for/host it?  :)

[kwickimom]

To get back to the original post

 

IF the OP didnt know about the time and date of the rehearsal, how could she plan the dinner??????

 

 

OP- hope you got this worked out! The parents should always be at the rehearsal!!!

[Hikin' Mama]

Can I just say that I am REALLY REALLY glad that you are not my mother in law. Good grief... you will not have a good relationship with your daughter-in-laws if you do this. Your tone later really bothered me. I doubt your future daughter-in-laws are going to live up to your standards!!! Your whole tone just smacks of conditional love... Boy, am I glad that even though my entire in-law side of the family is full of teachers and administrators, my mother in law NEVER EVER sat me down or even hinted that I was doing something wrong by homeschooling. I'm not sure what she thought at first, other than it is their life and they make choices.. But I love them anyway. If they didn't write thank you notes, would you hold it over their heads forever???

!!

I will just add a resounding Amen! My job as mother is to do the best job I can raising them and then shut the h up when they are adults, ESPECIALLY when they are part of a couple!

[goldberry]

Curious how this turned out....

[ktgrok]

What's a rehearsal dinner for? Not wanting to cook that night isn't an Event, in my mind...

Generally for the participants to have some time to socialize when it isn't a huge crush of people. This is especially nice when the wedding party is from out of town, and the wedding itself will be big. If the couple has to spend time at the actual wedding making nice with a 100 people they may not get much time with their best, closest friends, who are presumably the wedding party.

 

My first marriage the rehearsal dinner was at a local casual italian restaurant. It was the bridal party and out of town relatives, and paid for by the goom's family. My second wedding was a private ceremony overseas. It was just the two of us, in Scotland. The wedding photographer and wedding coordinator (she helped us make the arrangements from overseas) were our witnesses :)

 

No rehearsal dinner, no actual rehearsal...we just discuseed the plans via email with the priest. After we got married in a gorgeous little chapel we changed and ate dinner in the pub in our hotel. They gave us a glass of wine on the house to celebrate with us :)

 

As for weddings, I agree the secret is communication. And although I hope my kids don't elope, I want to see them get married, I do hope they keep it small and fun, rather than big and formal.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What confuses me is the OP needing to ask when the rehearsal dinner was going to be to begin with.  I say this because in my experience, the rehearsal dinner has always been the day before the wedding.  I assume that the OP would have known when the day the wedding was scheduled.  So the real issue would have been "Who do you want to plan the rehearsal dinner?  Me as the usual custom?  Or do you have that settled?"  

[LucyStoner]

Our rehearsal dinner was at an ethiopian restaurant.  No invitations except being told verbally.  All parents were invited.  We paid for it.  I think it was about $100.  

[Laurie4b]

OP, how did things go? 

[catz]

What confuses me is the OP needing to ask when the rehearsal dinner was going to be to begin with.  I say this because in my experience, the rehearsal dinner has always been the day before the wedding.  I assume that the OP would have known when the day the wedding was scheduled.  So the real issue would have been "Who do you want to plan the rehearsal dinner?  Me as the usual custom?  Or do you have that settled?"

From the sound of it, mom asked groom and told bride was in charge. Even if there were some mixed understandings here, I think it should have been on the bride and groom to clear it up and not just leave mom out entirely after she inquired about it twice. It is just beyond rude to leave someone hanging, even if something seemed off. They should have cleared the air immediately

 

To assume is to make an ass out of you and me. ;) The groom should have brought it to her if they wanted MOG's help with it.

 

I hope the OP comes back to report about the wedding and if anything was cleared up about this. Hope you were still able to enjoy the wedding! ((((hugs))) darn smilies still not working.

[Jean in Newcastle]

From the sound of it, mom asked groom and told bride was in charge. Even if there were some mixed understandings here, I think it should have been on the bride and groom to clear it up and not just leave mom out entirely after she inquired about it twice. It is just beyond rude to leave someone hanging, even if something seemed off. They should have cleared the air immediately

 

To assume is to make an ass out of you and me. ;) The groom should have brought it to her if they wanted MOG's help with it.

 

I hope the OP comes back to report about the wedding and if anything was cleared up about this. Hope you were still able to enjoy the wedding! ((((hugs))) darn smilies still not working.

 

Oh, I agree - on all points!  

[Mom in High Heels]

What confuses me is the OP needing to ask when the rehearsal dinner was going to be to begin with.  I say this because in my experience, the rehearsal dinner has always been the day before the wedding.  I assume that the OP would have known when the day the wedding was scheduled.  So the real issue would have been "Who do you want to plan the rehearsal dinner?  Me as the usual custom?  Or do you have that settled?"  

 

 

Ours was actually 2 days before our wedding, because the Irish priest who married us refused to do a rehearsal on St. Patrick's Day.  He said he planned to spend the evening celebrating his homeland with a tall green beer.  Okay then.

 

 

My IL's did the rehearsal dinner.  It was...somewhere.  I opted not for a restaurant, as we had a big wedding party (12 attendants total, plus 4 ushers) and James Bond has a large family.  I thought it was too expensive (oddly, I didn't think it was too expensive for my parents to pay for the wedding), so we did it at a hall (KC Hall, maybe?) and they had a catered buffet, which was much less expensive than a sit down dinner at a restaurant.   We didn't send out invites, just told everyone when and where.

 

 

OP, how was the wedding??????

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I think I would feel hurt as well but it sounds like a whole lotta confusion. Unless there is information we don't have, I doubt the intention was to hurt or offend.  Enjoy the wedding and let it go.

[OhanaBee]

Generally for the participants to have some time to socialize when it isn't a huge crush of people. This is especially nice when the wedding party is from out of town, and the wedding itself will be big. If the couple has to spend time at the actual wedding making nice with a 100 people they may not get much time with their best, closest friends, who are presumably the wedding party.

 

 

 

Yes.  This. 

 

Our wedding was a big, imho, overdone affair.  My parents eloped when they got married so this was my mom's one big chance for a wedding.  I knew that going into it and let her have full control.

 

  My dh's family was all out of state, including his parents, so my parents' best friends graciously offered to host the rehearsal dinner at their house.  It was GREAT!  Very informal, nothing for the out-of-state family to do except show up, and we ended the evening with a sing-along around the piano.  I was able to visit with everyone close to me without having to rush from table to table, plus I got to wear Bermudas and a polo shirt.  I was *not* that comfortable at the wedding reception the next day!

 

Our wedding was beautiful, but it was the rehearsal dinner that meant more to me.

[TranquilMind]

Can't vent on FB so I will vent here and see what you ladies (and gents) think.

 

My son is getting married tomorrow and I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner.  I have no clue why.  I get along with DIL2B well.  I do not offer advice or meddle.  I paid for the wedding venue and both the outfits for the flower girls (my granddaughters).  I would have paid for the rehearsal dinner as well....had I been invited.  I asked her about it once and got a "uhhhhhhhhhh, not sure on the day yet".  I told her to please let me know when it was, if I was invited (I made sure I put that in there), so I can make sure I have the day off.  Never heard another word about it.  I asked my son when it was and he said "Brittney is taking care of all of that...I just have to show up."

 

I am just sitting here, the night before the wedding with hurt feelers I guess.  I will get over it but it just seems odd to be left out.   What say the hive?

This has to be a mistake.  Who would leave out the MOTHER of the groom, who is PAYING? 

 

Call your son and ask if something has happened?

[Rosie_0801]

Generally for the participants to have some time to socialize when it isn't a huge crush of people. This is especially nice when the wedding party is from out of town, and the wedding itself will be big. If the couple has to spend time at the actual wedding making nice with a 100 people they may not get much time with their best, closest friends, who are presumably the wedding party.

Ah, ok. This I can understand. Thanks to those who answered my question. :)

[LMD]

So much drama over a hypothetical situation! Nobody's adult children have refused to write thank-you notes after their wedding--including the OP's.

 

I didn't!   :leaving:

 

I :001_wub:  my MIL.

[TCB]

I didn't!   :leaving:

 

I :001_wub:  my MIL.

Well you should have!! Just joking - sort of. I think it is really a good thing to write thank-yous for wedding presents. My nephew and nil didn't and I must admit I was sad they didn't. I think part of the problem was that things were disorganised when they opened the gifts and they weren't sure who gave what. I think this is a shame for them because I still enjoy using something we got as a wedding gift and thinking about the person who gave it to me - and that's 17 years later.

[Tammyla]

I missed this thread, but I'm wondering how everything turned out.

 

 

[misidawnrn]

UPDATE:  I did text DIL and ask if I offended her in any way.  She replied back absolutely not and that she spaced out asking me to the rehearsal and dinner....I am going to accept that.  The wedding did go off just fine and it was beautiful.  I will not be a meddling MIL and I will just leave the explanation at that. 

[bolt.]

Good choice, oh most excellent among MILs!