I'm so annoyed - party planning and in a bad mood

[Slipper]

My mother retired from her job (guidance counselor at a middle school) recently. The school threw her a huge retirement party - lots of food, enormous cake, very generous gifts, close to fifty people in attendance. The guidance counselors in the district threw a smaller, but no less fun, party - margaritas and dinner out. She has a small camper in another part of the state where she visits old friends - they threw a cook out for her. My brother, sister and I attended the school party.

 

My mother asked me if I was planning on throwing a retirement party for her a couple of weeks before her other parties. I honestly told her that we hadn't planned to do so but had planned on coming to her school party. My mother then called my other siblings, asking the same thing. For several days she commented that she knew how busy we were....but.....even just a cook out would be nice. My sister called asking if we could hold the cook-out at my house (she lives four hours away and my brother's house is a mess) and I agreed. My mother was delighted. Then, mother started asking if we would invite other people, such as a couple of neighbors. I agreed to a couple of neighbors. Mother then started asking about relatives and I told her that I really couldn't. I simply don't have the time.

 

She offered to help.

 

I suggested that she teach my daughters how to host a party, such as sending out invitations, maintaining an RSVP list, planning food and making decorations. She loved the idea and I agreed to a bigger list. Then my sister called and asked me if I was aware that mother was complaining to everyone in our family that she was having to plan her own retirement party. So, I told mother not to worry about planning it, but I truly haven't the time (and honestly money, my husband has been out of work since January and we live on our savings). I won't bore you with my list of things I'm doing, but I'm stressed emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like people use me and have no respect for my time. (Yes, I'm on medication for anxiety, but lately it's not helping). Planning a party is almost impossible for me to imagine (not because I don't know how, but because I am so stretched at the moment).

 

So, I'm now a big resentful mess. I would cancel the party except other people have been told about it and they have already planned to attend. (I'm expecting about forty people). My sister lives too far away to help and my brother won't commit to anything about it, not even to the point of telling me if the date was okay. My mother has suggested that I postpone the party until Thanksgiving and then have a huge event (which I think is even tackier than what we're now doing).

 

I still plan to teach my daughters how to plan an event, but my budget is very tight. My sister has promised a set amount (my brother won't commit to any amount) and she will arrive the day before the event (my brother hasn't committed to attending), she is bringing pictures of my mother for decorations. The rest is up to us.

 

First question - am I obligated to list my brother as a host for the party? I have repeatedly asked him and my SIL if they can help pay for it (and it's okay if they can't, they have less money than I do), can they attend, can they help decorate, etc. They have no response or say they don't know yet. I have less than 30 days until the party, so it's time for invites to go out. I was going to list my two daughters who are planning it and my sister. Should I list him simply because he's my brother and we're supposedly all doing this for my mother?

 

Second question - mother has sent me a guest list and there are a few who live out of state. Am I obligated to find lodging if they decide to attend? (I can't imagine that they would, but there are no hotels in our tiny town).

 

Third question - any cheap suggestions for food or decorations? The theme is a garden party and I plan to hold it outdoors. It will be in the morning, but close enough to noon that we should probably serve lunch. Total, I don't want to spend over $200. That needs to include everything.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What a mess! It doesn't really help, but your mother was totally out of line in basically forcing you to host a party for her. Esp. when she has been fete'd quite a bit. You need to set some boundaries here. Your mother will probably not like it. She will probably complain. Giving in to that might seem like it will alleviate your anxiety in the short-term but as you've found out, it will just increase it in the end. Tell your mother no about Thanksgiving. If she wants to host Thanksgiving at her place or at a rented venue, then tell her to go for it. How many people can you really accommodate at your house? Give your mom a number. If she has more people on the list than the number you can accommodate, then she will have to pare down the guest list. Tell your siblings that if they are going to contribute to the party that they need to do it now. You cannot send out invitations until you know how much money you have to work with. Unless they contribute in some way to the party I don't see why they should be listed as hosts. For a garden party I would serve some punch, some finger sandwiches and a salad. You will need to buy disposable paper plates etc. unless you are planning to spend a lot of time washing up afterward.

[LinRTX]

Actually I think this is rude of your entire family. You are throwing the party at your house and your daughters are helping. Your sister seems to be helping also. That is all I would list on the invitation.

 

Pictures of your mom as decoration is all you need. If you want to make a banner that says "congratulations on your retirement" that would be fine also.

 

Food

 

buy a large cheap cut of meat (sometimes pork roast goes on sale for 99 cents/lb here) throw it into crockpot or two with barbecue sauce. Shred meat and serve on cheapest buns you can find.

 

Have coleslaw and sliced tomatoes to go with it. And slice up some onion.

 

For desert, have your daughters make some cookies. These can be frozen, so make them ahead of time. Make several kinds.

 

I always think of inviting out-of-town guests as a courtesy and do not expect them to actually come. So I alwuys assume they would provide their own lodging.

 

We did not even pay for my in-laws hotel for my daughter's graduation. I cannot afford to pay for someone's vacation as well as throw a party. If your vacation plans include coming to my party, then I would love to have you.

 

Linda

[Chris in VA]

Hoo boy. Retirement must be a huge life change for your mom to be so concerned with being feted at every turn. I'd feel a little... :001_rolleyes: about the amt of celebration. Not to disrespect your mom.

First question---I wouldn't list any hosts for the party. Word the invite informally, like, "please join us to celebrate xxxx's retirement!"

When, where, RSVP by...to....

Second question--no. If they want to come, the yay call you ass to where to stay, so you could have a name or two handy, but I would not feel the least obligated to reserve a block of rooms or anything.

Third question--as most of these folks are probably older, perhaps barbeque chicken and pasta salads, beans, potato salad, a green salad, and cake would be just fine ( I wouldn't do tacos or a potato bar, for instance).

 

Eta--oh my goodness, pls pardon the typos-I really hate this tablet!

[Harriet Vane]

Are you my long-lost sister? It sounds like just the sort of mess you might find in my family.

 

There is no way to win this one. You will be the bad guy in the end no matter what you do.

 

Your mother is unbelievably rude in expecting this. Her behavior and the behind-your-back gossip is appalling. There is only one proper response to a gracious person hosting a party, and that is a heartfelt "thank you," not a lot of negotiating-for-more, backstabbing gossip, and whining.

 

Tell your siblings to pony up some money immediately or to bow out graciously. You do need to know, now.

 

Send the invitations by email or phone so that you can save on postage.

 

Set the party for 2-5pm and serve just snacks and a cake. Your money will stretch further that way.

 

Do not list any sibling as a host who isn't actually hosting.

 

Remember, no matter what you do, these people will complain and find fault. You will not be able to make them happy. I promise. Therefore the next best thing for you to do is be true to yourself and your family and your budget no matter what.

 

Or another option is to give me their phone numbers and enroll them in a course of Harriet Vane's Manners and Decorum 101. I will let them know what's what. ;)

[soufflegirl]

Expecting someone who is living on savings to throw a giant party is ridiculously out of line. Honestly, if you haven't gotten invites yet, I would just call/email people and say "hey, we're having a BBQ for Mom. Wanna come?" It's a retirement party, not a wedding. If your mother complains, she shouldn't have said a cookout was fine in the first place.

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

It's always sad when one's own mother shows such a lack of manners.

 

First question - am I obligated to list my brother as a host for the party? I have repeatedly asked him and my SIL if they can help pay for it (and it's okay if they can't, they have less money than I do), can they attend, can they help decorate, etc. They have no response or say they don't know yet. I have less than 30 days until the party, so it's time for invites to go out. I was going to list my two daughters who are planning it and my sister. Should I list him simply because he's my brother and we're supposedly all doing this for my mother?

 

No, your brother is in no way hosting anything. Actually, paying for stuff doesn't necessarily enter into the equation of who is a host. :-) However, it might be thoughtful if all of your mother's children's names were on the invitation, but I don't feel strongly about it. I tend to think, though, that since it is at your house, it should be your name. I don't think your daughters' names, or your sister's, needs to be on the invitation. The event is about your mother, not about the people who put it together, right?

 

Second question - mother has sent me a guest list and there are a few who live out of state. Am I obligated to find lodging if they decide to attend? (I can't imagine that they would, but there are no hotels in our tiny town).

 

No, you are not obligated to find lodging for them. Providing a list of a few motels as nearby as possible would be thoughtful.

 

Third question - any cheap suggestions for food or decorations? The theme is a garden party and I plan to hold it outdoors. It will be in the morning, but close enough to noon that we should probably serve lunch. Total, I don't want to spend over $200. That needs to include everything.

 

You don't need to go all out on decorations, although of course you want things to look nice. :-) ITA with just a banner saying something like "Congratulations on your retirement!" Maybe you can find pretty disposable plates and napkins. I also like the idea of making shredded pork sandwiches, cole slaw, etc. A couple of big punch bowls of something would be great; you can mix frozen lemonade with unflavored soda water, which makes it all fizzy and therefore fancier than just lemonade. :-) It would be inexpensive, and outdoorsy-garden-party-like. Or you could make cucumber punch: 1 2-liter bottle of lemon-lime soda, 1 large can frozen *limeade,* i peeled, sliced cucumber; put everything in a punch bowl and fill it up ice. It's amazingly tasty, and very cute. :-)

[Harriet Vane]

One further thought:

 

I have never heard of such a to-do over retirement. One of my dearest friends (someone who has been a mother-figure for me for many years) retired and had an office party. She also went out for drinks with her dearest friends one night. Same thing for her husband. When my father-in-law retired from a very prestigious corporate position, he personally hosted his kids' families at a swanky venue and would not accept payment from anyone. Fil's supervisor also made sure he was feted downtown with his own department.

 

Your mom's expectations are overblown. Big time.

 

:grouphug:

[Moxie]

Can you make it a potluck? I know in some places they are tacky. They are the norm where I live and I wouldn't think twice about bringing a dish. You might just have to disappoint your Mom and cancel. There are no invites sent yet so you still have time.

[Ellie]

Can you make it a potluck? I know in some places they are tacky. They are the norm where I live and I wouldn't think twice about bringing a dish. You might just have to disappoint your Mom and cancel. There are no invites sent yet so you still have time.

 

A potluck would be a great idea. Under these circumstances, I don't think a potluck would be tacky at all. You provide the beverages, maybe a special cake, and let the friends bring a dish (and FTR, *I* don't assign people food to bring. It's a pot*luck*.).

[Renthead Mommy]

The less formal the invitations, the less formal the party. I would send emails or word of mouth. No need to lists hosts. This isn't a wedding.

 

Decorations can be as simple as you like. I like the banner idea. If you feel you need something more, get your mom some flowers. The tacky 'mother's day style corsage may work. It let's everyone know she's the princess of the day.

 

Mid afternoon would be more informal/cheaper. Serve punch over soda and beers. Punches can be made fancy with ice rings with fruit frozen in them made in bundt pans. (google this - something about boiling the water first will make it freeze clear). You may want to rent a larger punch bowl, but first ask around and be sure to post on freecycle and craigs list.

 

I like the idea of many kinds of cookies made ahead and frozen. You could also do some desserts. You could even turn it into the theme. Something like "Mom's entering the Sweet years" or something like that.

 

If you want to add fruit, watermelons are usually pretty cheap and go far. Your girls could probably make a decorative watermelon basket. If you want to dress it up, add whatever fruit is cheapest, but go with mainly watermelon.

[mom2scouts]

Wow, I think your mom was very rude and unrealistic in her expectations. Honestly, I think you should say, "Sorry, Mom, but I've realized that I I really don't have the time or money to throw a party." It's not like she hasn't already had an opportunity to celebrate her retirement. If you really can't do that, than I agree with a PP who said you should just have a backyard BBQ, informally invite some people to celebrate with you, and maybe even ask if they could bring a side dish or bag of chips or 2 liter soft drink. Her friends would have the opportunity to congratulate her on her retirement in person during an informal get together and you would have much less stress.

[Moxie]

The less formal the invitations, the less formal the party. I would send emails or word of mouth. No need to lists hosts. This isn't a wedding.

 

Decorations can be as simple as you like. I like the banner idea. If you feel you need something more, get your mom some flowers. The tacky 'mother's day style corsage may work. It let's everyone know she's the princess of the day.

 

Mid afternoon would be more informal/cheaper. Serve punch over soda and beers. Punches can be made fancy with ice rings with fruit frozen in them made in bundt pans. (google this - something about boiling the water first will make it freeze clear). You may want to rent a larger punch bowl, but first ask around and be sure to post on freecycle and craigs list.

 

I like the idea of many kinds of cookies made ahead and frozen. You could also do some desserts. You could even turn it into the theme. Something like "Mom's entering the Sweet years" or something like that.

 

If you want to add fruit, watermelons are usually pretty cheap and go far. Your girls could probably make a decorative watermelon basket. If you want to dress it up, add whatever fruit is cheapest, but go with mainly watermelon.

If you have to have the party, I like this idea. Very informal. No mailed invites. Emails or phone calls (your sister can do that!). No or minimal decorations (a Congratulations banner is fine). Drop in some time between 1 and 4 for some dessert and pat Mom on the back. Way less then $200!!

[Renthead Mommy]

And I think teaching your daughters how to host and throw a big event is a wonderful idea. I just don't think this is the time or event to do that.

 

Teach them by talking about a theme, how to do the invites, why rsvp, guest list, budget, menu, break down of chores and things, but have conversations about all BEFORE you try to do it. At their ages they will get very excited, come up with tons of ideas, and you'll be left frosting some crazy cupcakes or glueing some crazy decorations together at midnight the night before.

 

If after talking about these things, let them plan something. And it can be something very formal, but can be simply your family. They can create invites and send to you, husband and brother. You would of course all have to RSVP. They could create the menu, decorations, theme, cook it everything. But it could as simple as hot dogs and cookies, but if there are flowers and candles on the table that makes the difference.

 

Like I said, great things for them to learn, but not this month, with this party, especially when you are already in this state of mind. That would just add to the stress of trying to meet both your mom and your girls expectations.

[happypamama]

I don't think potluck would be rude at all. In fact, if you're inviting neighbors, maybe they'll ask what they can bring, or if you know them well, you could say something like, "Mom always likes your chocolate chip cookies; would you mind bringing some of those?" Maybe one of them will even volunteer to bring a cake!

 

I vote for pictures of your mom and a congratulatory banner as decorations -- you could even have the kids make the banner.

 

I love the shredded pork in the crockpot idea.

[elegantlion]

Wait, your dh is unemployed and you are living on your savings and you mother expects you to host a party for her retirement? Others have given good advice, but sorry I can't get past the first part.

[Kelly1730]

You've received a lot of excellent advice and I have nothing to add except that there comes a time when you have to draw a line. There is only so much one person can do, my advice is to do what you can without feeling resentful and call it good. And don't feel guilty about it.

[Kebo]

Your mother sounds spoiled. Under your circumstances, I would not host the party -- I would find a way to bow out politely. She's had more celebrations than most people are going to get already.

[kroe1]

I would got to Sam's Club or similar for food, napkins. I like their pre-made boxes/plates of stuff to heat up and it is cheap.

Hamburgers on grill if you can afford it, but just Sam's Club bite size stuff is fine. Make a signature punch in a bowl and you are done.

 

Do you have some construction paper around? Cut out pages and glue on a printer paper insert. Have the guests write down a funny working memory of mom. At the end of the party, hole punch and tie the pages together with whatever ribbon you already have.

 

Cheapest decorations on the planet are WalMart rubber balloons. Have the girls tie them up in 3's and then tie them around the room you will serve the food in. We tie them in tight little bundles on the chair backs for an easy party transformation.

 

I have to comment that your mom wanting someone unemployed living on savings to throw her a party is rude beyond comprehensible. You have every right to be resentful unless she hands you a big, fat check. But what is done, is done.

 

If you do not have time for invitations, do not worry about it. The girls can learn about them another time. Stamps are crazy expensive.

 

It would be nice for you to make suggestions for lodging. If there are no close hotels and no family for these people to lodge with, then give them the name of the closest out of town hotel. That might cut down on your guest count. LOL.

 

Suck it up and put your brother's name on the invitation if you do use invitations. You will be the bigger man here, and you will be thankful you did 20 years down the road. If you do not have invitations, then just do not mention hosts.

 

These are just my immediate random thoughts. Sorry, you are having to deal with such stress.

[NicAnn]

I'd just cancel the whole thing. It's not too late to do so.

 

I would cancel. And I wouldnt care if the party was in ten minutes or ten days. I don't support such entitlement or rude behavior.

[Slipper]

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm glad I'm not unjustified in my resentment. I really love the "Welcome to the Sweet Years" suggestion and have the guests bring sweet items. This will be an outdoor party and we're in Alabama, so it's HOT. But, it's possible that we can work around that.

 

I may end up canceling, but I'd like to put an end to the nagging. If I don't do it now, she'll bring it up again at Thanksgiving. I just want it to go away. If it won't, it needs to be easy and able to be quickly planned and set aside so I can continue with my other projects.

 

As much as I hate to miss an educational opportunity for the girls, I think you're right that having them learn to plan it all will end up being expensive for all the fun stuff they will want to do. I'm going to assign them decorating with flowers and such. (We live in the country, we have flowers, leaves, branches, rocks, etc we can use to decorate). They can also make the banner.

 

I'll have my sister do the phone/email invites. I hate talking on the phone as I don't hear very well.

 

I'm getting so many good ideas from this thread. Thank you and please keep up the suggestions.

 

The problem (as usual) is money. We do have substantial savings, thanks to an inheritance. We receive a small income each month from it. The bigger picture is that our oldest is severely disabled and she will need lifetime care. Everything we've received is tied up in trusts for the kids - lifetime care for our oldest, college for the others. We can still access it, but we try to only take out what we need. I've always felt that my mother feels resentful because I don't spend money lavishly, but our kids come first. We really do not have a lot. We line dry our laundry, grow most of our own food, shop at garage sales and thrift stores for clothes.

[soufflegirl]

Wait, your mother expects you to raid the trust you have set up for your severely disabled daughter so she can have a THIRD retirement party?

 

My head hurts.

[LifeLovePassion]

I would also just cancel, then stop answering the phone. It is 100% ok to set boundaries with your mom. Her behavior is beyond rude.

[Moxie]

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm glad I'm not unjustified in my resentment. I really love the "Welcome to the Sweet Years" suggestion and have the guests bring sweet items. This will be an outdoor party and we're in Alabama, so it's HOT. But, it's possible that we can work around that.

 

I may end up canceling, but I'd like to put an end to the nagging. If I don't do it now, she'll bring it up again at Thanksgiving. I just want it to go away. If it won't, it needs to be easy and able to be quickly planned and set aside so I can continue with my other projects.

 

As much as I hate to miss an educational opportunity for the girls, I think you're right that having them learn to plan it all will end up being expensive for all the fun stuff they will want to do. I'm going to assign them decorating with flowers and such. (We live in the country, we have flowers, leaves, branches, rocks, etc we can use to decorate). They can also make the banner.

 

I'll have my sister do the phone/email invites. I hate talking on the phone as I don't hear very well.

 

I'm getting so many good ideas from this thread. Thank you and please keep up the suggestions.

 

The problem (as usual) is money. We do have substantial savings, thanks to an inheritance. We receive a small income each month from it. The bigger picture is that our oldest is severely disabled and she will need lifetime care. Everything we've received is tied up in trusts for the kids - lifetime care for our oldest, college for the others. We can still access it, but we try to only take out what we need. I've always felt that my mother feels resentful because I don't spend money lavishly, but our kids come first. We really do not have a lot. We line dry our laundry, grow most of our own food, shop at garage sales and thrift stores for clothes.

 

 

Is your mom insisting on this because you have a pile of cash sitting somewhere? If that is the case, that is none of her business and you should cancel.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Whether you have an inheritance or not - no one, not even your mother - gets to choose how you use that money.

[Slipper]

Wait, your mother expects you to raid the trust you have set up for your severely disabled daughter so she can have a THIRD retirement party?

 

My head hurts.

 

 

Well, close. It would be her FOURTH retirement party. As for the rest, yes.

[Moxie]

 

 

Well, close. It would be her FOURTH retirement party. As for the rest, yes.

 

 

Oh, this just got much easier!! "Sorry Mom. Money is all locked up. Love ya!"

[soufflegirl]

Yeah, no way would I be hosting anything at this point. If anyone asks why the party was cancelled and they can't take "my husband lost his job" for an answer, no party you throw is going to be good enough for them.

[Ellie]

 

Well, close. It would be her FOURTH retirement party. As for the rest, yes.

 

 

:huh:

 

Seriously?

 

Ok, well, I know that this is your mother, and you love her, and as you said it will come up again at Thanksgiving, but...seriously?

 

Don't give in to emotional blackmail. Do NOT touch that money for the sake of a *fourth* party, a party which the recipient has nagged you into throwing for herself.

[Cera]

I would slightly alter the time to 1pm so that it is after lunch and people will be gone before dinner. Serve pretty cupcakes or a cake and punch. Add in a veggie tray or two, a platter of cheese and crackers, a fruit salad and a few bowls of chips and dip (pita with hummus, tortilla with salsa, potato with french onion, etc).

 

When you send out the invitations make your intentions clear "Please join us for cake and punch to celebrate xxx's retirement."

[elegantlion]

 

Well, close. It would be her FOURTH retirement party. As for the rest, yes.

 

 

Mother or no, I'd be having some choice words with her about her sense of entitlement. "Life, it ain't all about you" -that's the sentiment I'd start with.

 

((hugs)) you sound like a lovely person, I'm sorry she's put you in this spot.

 

I'd half be tempted to buy her a lovely airline ticket somewhere and tell her to start enjoying her retirement and see the sights.

[*Lulu*]

The drama.

 

The entitlement.

 

The mind, it boggles.

 

 

You have a few choices here:

 

1) Give your mom what she wants at the expense of your mental health and by taking money earmarked for your children.

 

2) Give your mom the cheap version of what she wants potentially costing more in terms mental health since you will undoubtedly hear about what you didn't do right.

 

3) Cancel and then buckle after she gives you crap for it over the Thanksgiving table. At least the financial picture may have improved by then.

 

4) Cancel and tell her to suck eggs when she brings it up at Thanksgiving and every time after that until she learns to act as though she has a thimbleful of a clue about proper manners.

 

5) Cancel and, when she starts in on you over Thanksgivig, hand her the relish platter and ask if she'd like a sour pickle. Follow this up with an Emily Post ettiquette guide for Christmas, and an Amy Vanderbuilt for her birthday. Keep gifting books on manners until she learns to put the information you have provided her to good use.

 

 

 

[*Lulu*]

In all seriousness, ((hugs)), you are in no way obligated to do anything for her at this point.

 

If you want to do something, (want to, a different animal from feel obligated or guilted to), do what will work with your time and financial constraints.

 

Whatever you do, be true to yourself and what you believe to be right. There is no better example you can set for your girls in how to treat others and how to care for yourself.

 

 

[Alte Veste Academy]

No way, no how would I host this party. Not now, not at Thanksgiving. (The Thanksgiving thing is seriously confounding, to imagine that it would be in any way appropriate to celebrate a retirement 5 months after the fact...just to get another party in?) Four parties? And knowing your DH is unemployed? That is nervy, and seriously narcissistic. You are so in the right here if you cancel this party.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am outraged at your mom's audacity. Not only about demanding the party (yeesh, what a drama queen), but about bad-mouthing you when she isn't getting something fancy enough. When my dad retired after 30 years with the same company (and after a lengthy recovery from cancer treatment), he received a lovely party from his department ... sub sandwiches, cake, beverages, and lots of funny stories collected over the years. As a courtesy, his department invited the family and 3 of us were able to attend (my mom, my brother and myself - out of the 6 siblings.) It was lovely. I think his immediate co-workers took him out to lunch. That was it. It never occurred to us that we do another party for my dad. My mom did ask us kids to put on a 45th wedding anniversary party for them. My dad had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and was not likely to make it to their 50th. We were all very happy to put that one on for them.

 

In your situation, if you decide not host the party, tell your mom that you are not in a financial position to do so and that you resent being roped into yet another party for her. Tell her that she is being self-centered and to grow up. If you do host one, do one that you can afford and tell her what your boundaries are (I vote for an afternoon party where you don't have to serve a meal, just snacks, lemonade and cake.) If she complains any further, I would tell her that the party is off. If I had a child who behaved this way, you bet your sweet bippy I would cancel a party for such bratty behavior. If she badmouths you, tell her to stuff it. Don't let her walk all over you.

[bolt.]

I might be willing to provide space, decor and basic snacks/drinks (not a meal -- plan for not a meal time) for an event like this, but I would absolutely go no further. (Other than a mass email-type invitation, with a few phone calls for the tech inept.) Honestly, I wouldn't even ask for RSVPs. I'd just plan for a generous expected number of guests and be prepared to dodge out for a little extra food if I misjudged. (I'd return unopened leftovers, so check your store's policy about that.)

 

I'd make a plan, write myself a grocery list, and forget about it until about the day before it was set to occur.

 

That's my kind of party.

[songsparrow]

I have less than 30 days until the party, so it's time for invites to go out.

 

Second question - mother has sent me a guest list and there are a few who live out of state. Am I obligated to find lodging if they decide to attend? (I can't imagine that they would, but there are no hotels in our tiny town).

 

Third question - any cheap suggestions for food or decorations? The theme is a garden party and I plan to hold it outdoors. It will be in the morning, but close enough to noon that we should probably serve lunch. Total, I don't want to spend over $200. That needs to include everything.

 

I think it is very generous of you to go through with this party. Invitations haven't gone out yet - that is good. (ETA: That means, first, that you can still cancel. I think you would be completely justified to do so. But if you choose to throw the party . . .) That means that you can limit this party in scope - both time-wise and food-wise.

 

I think the photos of your mother would make lovely centerpieces by themselves. If you have flowers growing in your garden, or wildflowers in the area, have your daughters pick some and arrange them in small jars (e.g., jelly jars) or glasses to sit by the photos.

 

I would focus your part of the decoration budget on the paper goods that you're going to need. I would budget around $25 for paper goods - disposable tablecloths, plates, napkins, cutlery and cups. Around here, our dollar stores have a great selection of that type of stuff.

 

I agree with a pp - do not send out paper invitations. Save your money on the invitations and postage. Send them by email (I like punchbowl.com) and telephone those who do not have email. (ETA: And I would ask for RSVPs 2 weeks before the party date, and follow up with anyone who doesn't RSVP to find out if they're attending. That way you know exactly how many people you need to buy for, and you don't need to over-buy.)

 

You do not need to serve lunch; just end the party by 12:00 and make it clear on the invitations that you are not going to do so (e.g., specify that it is a "brunch" or say "join us for cake and cookies" - depending on what you decide to serve), so that people won't be surprised and they can make their own arrangements to eat before they come and after they leave. In your budget, I would either go the brunch route or the cake-and-cookies route.

 

If brunch, I would probably serve a variety of bagels (4 dozen would cover everybody, and you have them sliced in half vertically and mixed up for a pretty presentation and people can take 2 different flavor halves if they want), plain and some flavored cream cheeses, and either fruit salad or just slices of watermelon. Make pitchers of lemonade, iced tea and water and get a little sheet cake at the local grocery that says Congratulations.

 

Otherwise, just get a cake and some other basic foods - cheese and crackers, mixed cookie tray, and some fruit salad or slices of watermelon. (I usually think of this type of food as afternoon fare, but given the heat in your area and being an outdoor party I can understand your wanting to hold the party in the morning, and you can still serve this type of food then.)

 

If you belong to a church, perhaps you could borrow pitchers and serving trays. If not, the dollar stores often carry a lot of these supplies. I have also mixed up lemonade and iced tea in large Ball jars and served it straight out of those.

 

And you do not have any obligation to find lodging for people coming in from out of state. If you know of any local places, you could mention them if they ask for recommendations.

[JustEm]

Put your foot down now and cancel the party, tell her she was being unreasonable in her assumption that you should have a party for her while your husband is out of work and you are living off savings (no matter how big those savings are.) Seriously, you need to put your foot down or things like this will continue to pop up and you'll be saying 'I just want to get this *insert event* over with so I don't have to hear about it again in x number of months.'

[Mrs Mungo]

Everyone I know who has retired has thrown themselves a big retirement party. They invited all of their friends and family members. Some of them were big to-dos with bands and everything. I've literally never heard of anyone throwing a retirement party for their parent. The whole thing is bizarre.

 

eta: I agree with evite, potluck and spending practically no money on it.

[tex-mex]

 

Your mom's expectations are overblown. Big time.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:

 

I recall one of my teaching colleagues who retired with a lot of fanfare in our community. She had a large (Open House) party held at the school campus and many families/former students attended. A very big deal and advertised in the local paper. But all we had was a big cake and punch. People came to pay her thanks and give her a card or gift. Nothing beyond that.

 

It was also a MUCH smaller celebration where the staff of the school held a BBQ potluck "Goodbye" party (on the last week of school) and we all attended it at a staff member's home. Her family members attended both events. But that was it. I agree with those who think this request by the OP's mom is tacky, insensitive to her finances, and already celebrated too many times.

[bettyandbob]

You need to call your siblings tonight and tell them you will not do this. Your brother has already back off. Then call your mom and tell her you will not give her another party. After you've hung up on mom stay away from looking at social media for a few days. Do not return messages or calls to people demanding "why". If you have to talk to someone the answer is simply "hosting a fourth retirement party for mom is not possible". That's it.

 

This is so wrong and so entitled. Your mom would really raid your younger dds education fund and your older dd's long term care funds? She probably has a state funded pension (typical of public school positions). She clearly has no concept of needing to live within a tight budget.

 

I have child with a disability. He will need lifelong care. My parents have never asked me to fund something for them. On the contrary, they've researched how to set up trust accounts for persons with disabilities. They recognize their needs are secondary to my dc.

 

On top of your stress from your current financial situation, please recognize that you live under constant stress as the primary caregiver to a person with a disability.

 

Please do not succumb to guilt. Please take control of caring for yourself and your immediate family first. You want to please everyone. Pleasing everyone is not right and it is bad for your family. If I recall correctly, you have allowed yourself be guilted into certain things with your dh's family. You do not need the stress. You are the parent of a child with a disability. Do not let anyone guilt you into anything.

 

Anyone who thinks badly of you based on your mom spreading her version of "my dd doesn't care about me" doesn't know you and is not important in your life.

[Anne in CA]

I have never heard of expecting one's children to pay for a retirement party. My relatives pay for their own and the parties we do at the hotel are paid for by the retiring person. And I do A LOT of retirement parties. The adult children NEVER sign the check. This is insane. If you haven't sent the invitations I would tell your mother that you do not feel comfortable with this plan, no one is helping, she is complaining about helping and I am done. No one is going to think poorly of you over the cancelled party. Believe me, I am in the party business and people cancel parties like this all the time.

[Seasider]

Slipper, I hope you realize that no matter what you do, your mom sounds like the type that will find fault and will have more opinions to share after the fact. This is a no win situation for you.

 

Considering that, and given your circumstances before this party idea was introduced, I would cancel. Invitations aren't out yet. Ellie is right, this is complete emotional manipulation. Yep, I would definitely cancel. What are the chances your siblings' lack of...enthusiasm... in helping with this event is because they see clearly how ridiculous this demand of your mother's is? Is it possible your mom has called on you to host because she knows you are the one of her kids most likely to appease her?

 

Canceling this event doesn't mean you don't love your mother. It just means you will be making the choice for freedom to show that love in a way that is as satisfying for you as it should be for her.

 

What in the world does your dh think of all this?

[DaffodilDreams]

I'd just cancel the whole thing. It's not too late to do so.

 

 

I agree. No one living on savings due to unemployment should ever be expected to host a party for anyone. I cannot fathom a mother expecting this of a child going through a difficult time.

[Tita Gidge]

She offered to help.

 

Then my sister called and asked me if I was aware that mother was complaining to everyone in our family that she was having to plan her own retirement party. So, I told mother not to worry about planning it, but I truly haven't the time (and honestly money, my husband has been out of work since January and we live on our savings).

 

 

Here's the thing - let your mother complain. It's family, she can't have everyone snowed :coolgleamA: so chances the people to whom she's complaining will already know to apply their Slipper's Mom Filter to anything she says. They're going to be familiar with her work.

 

You have a legitimate medical excuse (anxiety), not that you need one, so why not use it to begin asserting yourself? Don't wait for your mom, siblings, or anyone else to suddenly begin valuing you and your time. It isn't likely to happen that way. You have to re-train them to view you with more respect, and you do that first by believing yourself that you're worthy of it. And then you follow that up with behaving like you believe it. The fallout will not be fun, but it doesn't sound like you're having much fun now anyhow - right?

 

She offered to help, so hold her to it. Let her know that you're anxiety levels are high and if the party is going to happen she's going to need to step back up to the plate. Have ready a list of things she can buy or decor she can make or tasks she can do. Put the ball in her court. Don't let her old tricks work to get you back up to yours! And let her continue to complain; don't forget, your family (and likely a good number of her friends) aren't strangers to her persona. We can love people, and still be aware of their less wonderful qualities. Her circle is not immune to that, even if to her face they appear to indulge her complaints. Be loving but firm that these are the new parameters under which the party can take place. She may throw a tantrum and call it off; if so, let her do that. And don't you dare feel badly, no matter how hard anyone - even you - tries to guilt you into it.

 

She can bring it up every holiday for the next twenty years and it will annoy the snot out of you BUT you'll have both the satisfaction of knowing it was the event at which you began to assert respect for you and your time AND you'll have the benefit of foresight in knowing time will eventually reveal to all ... her leopard's spots. And maybe those of the rest of your family, too. Delayed gratification is where it's at LOL.

 

Or she may begrudgingly accept your new terms, have her party, and continue to grumble behind your back. But she'll have also taken note of your audacity ;) and though she won't be pleased, she'll start to realize she's dealing with a different Slipper.

 

I may end up canceling, but I'd like to put an end to the nagging. If I don't do it now, she'll bring it up again at Thanksgiving. I just want it to go away. If it won't, it needs to be easy and able to be quickly planned and set aside so I can continue with my other projects.

 

 

I'd not delay the inevitable, especially pushing towards winter holidays. Is she always like this? I wonder if this is some weird reaction to retiring, and she's struggling with the transition. It can be hard losing a huge part of your life and identity, even when you want it or knew it was coming. It'd make me feel better about her irrationality if there was that sort of underlying reason behind it. Because reading your update, I'm heartbroken you've been put in such a hard spot in terms of financing this thing.

 

So an outdoor party in the south during summer. I like your idea of a mid-morning garden party. What about changing it from a party to an open house? That eliminates the expectation of lunch while keeping to the cooler morning hours. FWIW I don't think lunch is necessary even for your original idea. Nice, but not necessary.

 

The open house can be between 9-11 or 10-12. Make some sweet tea, lemonade, and Shirley Temples. Put out cookies for 50, a batch of berry muffins and a few zucchini or banana loaves. If your mom would like something more substantial and is willing to finance it, she can buy supplies for you and Sis to make finger sandwiches. Maybe you know a gardener who may have extra cukes and tomatoes to slice and serve alongside those sandwiches. Add your branches, rocks, flowers, and banner decor then pat yourself on the back for pulling off a lovely (and God willing, her fourth and final) tribute to your Mom's career. And know you did so against many odds, while learning how to show others that your time is valuable.

 

Good luck!

[Chris in VA]

I think at some point I would just look at her and say, "My god, Mom, how many parties do you NEED?"

[Hen]

I agree with Seasider, no matter what you do, your Mother is going to complain and find fault with you- so I would do the thing that stresses you and taxes you the least.

 

I think you should cancel the party -her 4th...wow...if you really can't do that then no invitations, phone/email/word of mouth. Have it at 7pm and make it a dessert bar. We just had a dessert party for dd's graduation and it was very simple. Your dd's can make 3 or 4 desserts and then assign 2 desserts to each of your siblings. Make some coffee, and then let people talk and socialize, have it outside. No decorations except maybe a banner and if you have some christmas lights, string them up on the patio.

 

your mother doesn't even deserve this much, but if you do it, even simple can be lovely. I would be tempted to not put the photos of her out, her ego is big enough already.

 

just wow. You are a better daughter then she deserves.

[trulycrabby]

I think at some point I would just look at her and say, "My god, Mom, how many parties do you NEED?"

 

This! :iagree:

 

It's HER retirement, SHE needs to host the party! With her guilt-tripping, and manipulation, I'd set out a bag of chips and leave.

 

Seriously though, I understand you have made commitments and don't want to cancel at this point, butI would put my foot down about the out-of-town guests, especially since there are virtually no hotel rooms in your area.

 

And, I wouldn't put my brother's name on the invitations as a host. The hosts have to actually host the party to be listed.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would have everyone bring a plate. I would also hold it at some neutral place like a park or something~ Perhaps have it as a BBQ where everyone brings their own food and combines it. That is something that happens a lot here ( in Australia) in the summer

[bettyandbob]

I think at some point I would just look at her and say, "My god, Mom, how many parties do you NEED?"

 

:iagree: I cannot like this statement enough. It's almost as if your mother has taken on the maturity level of the middle school students she worked with for 30 years. Does she NEED an iphone too, because all her friends have one?

 

 

 

 

 

Your mother may be stressed by this transition in her life. If that's the issue, I would say to her that she can't just prolong the transition by having more parties. She needs to step forward. She needs move on to how she is actually going to live, which is scary. What is she going to do in September when school starts? Does she have a plan for how she will spend her time. That should be her focus--looking forward, not using parties to look back.