Is telling someone to "calm down" rude?

[Lisa R.]

Person A is having a conversation with Person B. Person A's general conversational tone is calm, but she is a worrier. When concern is expressed or questions are asked for clarification, Person B often says "calm down". Ironically, Person B is intense and often less calm in conversations due to being a less patient and more intense person.

 

Unless a person is being hysterical or irrational, I feel that it is disrespectful, rude, and even demeaning to tell someone to "calm down". It seems like Person B is accusing Person A of overreacting.

 

(For the record, my dh has *never* told me to calm down. He is waaay smarter than that.)

 

In the course of a civil conversation where you were expressing your opinion and even a concern, would you be offended if someone told you to "calm down"?

 

How about if Person B has said it to Person A in several conversations?

 

How would you respond?

[SKL]

It depends on who the person is, but yeah, I'd take it as "you are f'n crazy." Not very nice IMO. ... ETA: I agree with Heigh Ho as to how to respond.

[Lara in Colo]

Yes it is irritating and probably rude. It says that your reaction is better than mine. It usually makes things worse.

 

I really hate it in situations in public (like customer service).

It feels condescending and passive aggressive.

[kitten18]

Yes.

[Library Momma]

I would be offended if someone said that to me, and I'm not easily offended.

[Tammyla]

I would only say that to a child or an adult who really was out of control; it feels like a conversation stopper to me.

[Dandelion]

Yes, it's rude. I can't think of any context in which it would not be rude. Even in an emergency, I would not appreciate being told to "calm down" - the polite thing to say would be "stay calm".

[Lara in Colo]

On the other hand, my BPD mother over reacts in some social situations and I have been kicked out of several stores and had the police called in another situation. This only happens when I am with her (she seems to go overboard on the mamma bear thing). HOWEVER it always seems to be the passive aggressive clerks and managers that tell her to calm down that set her off. They are placating her and she knows it --- then the trouble begins.

[TexasRachel]

Well. It depends. I've had conversations with people about topics that I thought they were being irrational, but they obviously didn't. I don't think I've ever said to calm down, but I know I've said to just wait and see and not worry until it happens.

 

With perpetual worriers, I can get a little eye-rolling. Maybe person a needs to say they prefer the thought said in a different way. Or not vent to person b.

[Lizzie in Ma]

At our house it depends on who says it and when. Maybe not rude per se but sometimes it's just asking for trouble.

[Storm Bay]

From a parent to child, it isn't necessarily rude, but from one adult to another it is rude, irritating, condescending and offensive. There are many ways to help someone calm down by how you handle the conversation, and there are even times when the person who is upset/tense/angry is rightfully so even if they are expressing it too strongly, and those are times when it's definitely rude to say so.

 

However, I've found that saying calm down doesn't always work well even with kids as it doesn't give them any tools to calm down with.

[Dandelion]

If someone is getting worked up about something, or is truly hysterical, "calm down" is about the least helpful thing anyone can say. No one is going to calm down just because someone else told them to. The more likely response to being told to calm down is that the person will get even more upset.

 

IME the best way to handle someone who is getting themselves worked up is to be supportive, truly listen to them, and speak calmly and softly. Ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions about what is upsetting them (avoid asking "why" though as that can also put people on the defensive). Make them feel heard and understood. But telling them to calm down? Bad idea IMO.

 

If someone told me to calm down, my response would depend on who it was and the context. If it was someone I didn't know well and I had no reason to continue my conversation with them, I would just end the conversation. If it was someone close to me, I would let them know how that response made me feel and that I didn't appreciate it. If it was in the context of a customer service type situation where I was attempting to resolve an issue, I would politely tell them that I was calm, and then I would restate my issue and ask them to address it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Person A should respond : " I am calm. Please answer the question." or "I am calm. I am expressing concern." Then he/she should set some boundaries. "If you are unable to answer the question then I will ask someone else." or "If you are unable to respond appropriately to my concern, then I will discuss this with someone else." This does two things. It sets up boundaries for Person B but it also makes Person A think about what he/she is saying so that they aren't just asking questions that they don't really want answered or expressing concerns that are not legitimate (which can be irritating to the other person).

[gardenmom5]

If person A is very upset, venting about a third-party or subject not involving person B (assuming person A and person B are very well acquainted and have generally good feelings towards each other), it *can* be appropriate in a "calm down, let's work the problem" sort of way.

 

If person A is expressing unhappiness with person B, and person B tells them to "calm down" - it can be seen as condescending and antagonistic. Iow: it makes things worse and is an indicator person B is an idiot.

 

from someone with whom you do not hold a personal relationship - it is NEVER appropriate.

[QueenCat]

I would only say that to a child or an adult who really was out of control; it feels like a conversation stopper to me.

 

Yep!

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't think it's anyone else's job to decide what level of emotion or intensity another person (speaker A) is using-especially when it's an adult and that adult isn't out of control of him/herself.

 

If it's dealing with a worry wart type personality, it's a waste of time to tell that type of person to clam down. That's just what they do and who they are. Saying "calm down" isn't going to change their worry wart ways. My maternal grandmother was like that.

 

Speaker A should also realize that it may be that spear B simply doesn't share her concern. If speaker B isn't worried about it, or doesn't think it's worth worrying about, I don't think there's a legitimate reason for speaker A to be upset. It's just a difference of opinion or a different point of view and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I have a friend like that. She over reacts (in my opinion) by fearing something bad is going to happen to her kids. She has a teen who once had a seizure as a very young child. She insists the parents hosting the youth group activities supervise her teen daughter in the pool just in case she has another seizure. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't worry about it. If she's telling me what she would do I listen. If she asks me what I would do then I would tell her I wouldn't make that demand of the host because I wouldn't worry about that. I think if it offended her, I wouldn't feel bad about it. She did ask for my take. I'm under no obligation to agree.

[gardenmom5]

I respond to such people by terminating the conversation -- 'calm down' is my hint that they can't understand the point I am making, or that their job is to placate me and make me go away without a satisfactory resolution of the issue.

then it is time to get their name and talk to their manager - or higher up. it's ever so satisfying. I got a very nasty call back from an idiot who did that to me - complaining I told corporate how he had treated me (he was the store manager). seems their corporate office wasn't happy he treated a customer so badly and they let him know it in no uncertain terms. (Bad customer service PR tends to spread like wildfire because people do tell their friends. or the hive ;p .)

[Paige]

It depends on context, tone, and relationship. I don't think it is always rude. It could be said rudely or reassuringly, or humorously.

[Callie]

It depends on who the person is, but yeah, I'd take it as "you are f'n crazy." Not very nice IMO. ... ETA: I agree with Heigh Ho as to how to respond.

 

Yep.

[HS Mom in NC]

Yes, it's rude. I can't think of any context in which it would not be rude. Even in an emergency, I would not appreciate being told to "calm down" - the polite thing to say would be "stay calm".

 

 

I can't see any difference at all between the two. They're the same thing if you ask me. Why is one polite and the other rude?

[Dandelion]

I can't see any difference at all between the two. They're the same thing if you ask me. Why is one polite and the other rude?

 

To me, "calm down" implies that you are already out of control and need to bring yourself back to a calm state.

 

"Stay calm", when used in the specific context of an emergency (which is the context I referenced), is not offensive to me because there's no implication that I'm not currently calm. *Stay* implies remaining in the state I'm in. To me, that phrase is simply a way of saying "there's no cause for alarm". It doesn't have the same subtext as "calm down" IMO.

[In The Great White North]

Yes, it's rude. "Stay calm" is only not rude in the context of a public announcement in an emergency (when it's expected). "Stay calm" to an individual would also be rude.

 

I like Heigh Ho's response too.

[Truscifi]

I sometimes say "calm down" to my son as part of a larger phrase - "ok, let's calm down and take a breath, now count to 10...ok, now we can talk about...". From one adult to another, yes it is rude.

[HS Mom in NC]

To me, "calm down" implies that you are already out of control and need to bring yourself back to a calm state.

 

 

"Stay calm", when used in the specific context of an emergency (which is the context I referenced), is not offensive to me because there's no implication that I'm not currently calm. *Stay* implies remaining in the state I'm in. To me, that phrase is simply a way of saying "there's no cause for alarm". It doesn't have the same subtext as "calm down" IMO.

 

I don't believe these assumptions you make about subtext are universally accepted so I don't believe they fall into socially accepted norms like polite and rude.

 

Why would someone tell a calm person to stay calm? If they're already calm in an emergency they clearly don't need instruction. They obviously don't feel there's a cause for alarm because they aren't acting alarmed. Giving someone instruction to do something they're already doing perfectly competently is annoying and condescending. How is that polite? How is the phrase "stay calm" logical in the context you give? I think it's rational if said to someone who is showing signs of being upset-which is not remaining in the same state. It means reverting back to a different state previously held. It makes sense to say, "stay calm" to someone you have a good reason to believe will become upset after hearing or seeing something upsetting, but someone who is already calm in the midst of stress doesn't need advice.

 

I point out all that to demonstrate that taking offense where there is sooooooo much room for interpretation and assumptions about subtext isn't useful. It sets someone up to react to conflict that may not even exist. If the other simply isn't responding to the conversion in a way that's constructive, it's time to change the subject and find someone else to talk to about it later.

 

OP, you should've simply asked the other speaker for clarification about "calm down." Did the other speaker mean your concern isn't warranted at all in the situation? Did the other speaker mean there was genuine concern warranted but your emotional state was out of control? Why didn't you ask the person who said it when they said it? It's OK to ask questions. There is nothing wrong with asking the other speaker directly when you don't know, and if they get upset because you questioned them, it's their problem, not yours. It's an active listening skill. You're just trying to get useful information so you can have a constructive conversation.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Many people say things out of habit without really thinking about what they are actually saying :blushing: So, the person who is naturally "hyped up" is telling someone else to "calm down" simply because it is a phrase they have heard WAY too many times in their life.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I guess it is all in the way it is said. You can be helpful and tell someone to calm down, take a breath or whatever and be a calming force. Or, you can be rude and sarcastic and say just about anything.

[Dandelion]

I don't believe these assumptions you make about subtext are universally accepted so I don't believe they fall into socially accepted norms like polite and rude.

 

I don't believe they're universally accepted either, and never stated that. That's why I used the phrases "to me" and "IMO" throughout my follow-up post. I understand (and am totally ok with the fact) that others might see things differently. :)

[catz]

When I read through the responses and really think about it, anytime one adult tells another adult what to do, it's rude. Even if I were talking to an adult completely out of control about something, I wouldn't say it. I might say something like "Wow, you seem really upset about issue X. How can I help? Or do you just need to vent?". Saying "calm down" is condescending and belittling IMO. I also would not say to another adult "sit down and stay" or "go get me a beer". It's a demand, and demands are not used in polite language. I guess if you're getting verbal demands from someone, all bets are off.

 

I only use calm down with my kids in context like "you need to take a deep breath and calm down, so we can talk about what you're so upset about". I consider that parenting. It's not my job to parent other adults.

[LaxMom]

I have given adults non-negotiable directives in settings where it's not rude. It's not rude, for instance, to assume authority in a chaotic emergency situation and give a command. I'm sure there was more than one instance of me telling someone to calm down as a paramedic, much in the same way one would speak to their child who was spiraling into hysteria.

 

However, in social conversations, I think it's always rude to assume authority over another adult. And implying that someone is coming unhinged because they've asked for clarification or expressed a concern is always rude.

[NotSoObvious]

I tend to overreact to things, so my dh and one of my best friends will tell me to "calm down" but not in a condescending way. More in a "I want to reassure you that you are overreacting and it will be ok" way.

[Joanne]

In many cases, yes.

 

In my work, I do say versions of "I need you to catch your breath so you can speak and I can hear you" and "I'm having a hard time understanding what you need right now" and even "I need you to calm down so we can work on this."

 

But, usually, I just sit with them and say "breathe" until they do calm down.

[TranquilMind]

Person A is having a conversation with Person B. Person A's general conversational tone is calm, but she is a worrier. When concern is expressed or questions are asked for clarification, Person B often says "calm down". Ironically, Person B is intense and often less calm in conversations due to being a less patient and more intense person.

 

Unless a person is being hysterical or irrational, I feel that it is disrespectful, rude, and even demeaning to tell someone to "calm down". It seems like Person B is accusing Person A of overreacting.

 

(For the record, my dh has *never* told me to calm down. He is waaay smarter than that.)

 

In the course of a civil conversation where you were expressing your opinion and even a concern, would you be offended if someone told you to "calm down"?

 

How about if Person B has said it to Person A in several conversations?

 

How would you respond?

 

 

Those are fighting words, in my opinion. Rude, demeaning, and condescending (99 percent of the time, unless you are a nurse attempting to get someone to relax after a trauma or something).

 

My husband never says that, ever. My daughter has said it, and not with good results, because she doesn't fall into the exception category.

[violamama]

If somebody said that to me and I felt they were being annoying or rude, I would say in a flatly assertive voice, "Oh, did you think I wasn't calm? I'm expressing my thoughts about XYZ, not attacking you or losing my calm. Did you hear what I was saying about XYZ?"

 

And I would not be likely to express myself to them very often after that. Intentionally rude or not, being shut down by somebody in a conversation like that is not a pleasant experience. If this is a friend or confidant, it's incredibly distancing.

[Delirium]

Usually has the opposite effect.

[unsinkable]

I would think it is rude and dismissive IRL.

 

I also think it is rude and dismissive on this board when people use the "chill pill" smiley.

[Heather in Neverland]

Definitely rude.

[Storm Bay]

To me, "calm down" implies that you are already out of control and need to bring yourself back to a calm state.

 

"Stay calm", when used in the specific context of an emergency (which is the context I referenced), is not offensive to me because there's no implication that I'm not currently calm. *Stay* implies remaining in the state I'm in. To me, that phrase is simply a way of saying "there's no cause for alarm". It doesn't have the same subtext as "calm down" IMO.

 

Yes, it's rude. "Stay calm" is only not rude in the context of a public announcement in an emergency (when it's expected). "Stay calm" to an individual would also be rude.

 

I like Heigh Ho's response too.

 

I don't believe these assumptions you make about subtext are universally accepted so I don't believe they fall into socially accepted norms like polite and rude.

 

Why would someone tell a calm person to stay calm? If they're already calm in an emergency they clearly don't need instruction. They obviously don't feel there's a cause for alarm because they aren't acting alarmed. Giving someone instruction to do something they're already doing perfectly competently is annoying and condescending. How is that polite? How is the phrase "stay calm" logical in the context you give? I think it's rational if said to someone who is showing signs of being upset-which is not remaining in the same state. It means reverting back to a different state previously held. It makes sense to say, "stay calm" to someone you have a good reason to believe will become upset after hearing or seeing something upsetting, but someone who is already calm in the midst of stress doesn't need advice.

 

I point out all that to demonstrate that taking offense where there is sooooooo much room for interpretation and assumptions about subtext isn't useful. It sets someone up to react to conflict that may not even exist.

 

 

As a very intense person, particularly when I was much younger, I've been told to calm down when I wasn't even upset because people often misread very intense people. I've learned to hide most of it most of the time, but it used to come in very handy on stage.

 

While it's true that subtext, tone of voice, etc, can make a difference, I think that for intense people (intense people are hardwired that way, and the more intense they are the more work goes into hiding/controlling it. If you're like that you're never going to truly become laid back, which is also something some people are hardwired to be) the term "calm down" becomes patronizing, condescending irritating and offensive regardless of how it was used.

 

Stay calm, on the other hand, can be patronizing and/or condescending, but isn't always due to the fact that once you reverse the word order it's possible to say it in a way and context that implies that either you are calm (but if the person obviously isn't calm, that's not true). especially if both the speaker and the listener are facing the same challenge, or you are both upset but not necessarily out of control. However, I would say that most of the time it's better not to use it.

 

Other terms that can be very offensive, even though they can be correct at times, are "don't overreact", "you're over reacting", and other things along that line. I have a dc who had a diagnosis when young and does overreact, but saying so, particularly when that dc is upset, only makes things worse most of the time. There have been open doors to mention it at teachable moments,.