Does this seem rude to you?

[NotSoObvious]

You know, maybe he didnt love the meal. This may hurt mom's ego but its not a crime.

 

The kid is not 4. He is a teen. He is more than entitled to eat a snack after a reasonable dinner which he ate politely, IMO

 

 

That's interesting. I think it's the other way around.

 

Funny how we were all raised with different expectations, etc.

[Chris in VA]

I think it's kind of rude, but what I see most is a lot of us might feel like the work we put into making/providing a well-balanced, tasty meal was not appreciated enough. That's where the ego part a PP mentioned would come in.

As for bringing them to the table, perhaps, in some households, eating away from the table is rude. I know people who don't allow food anywhere in the house but at the table. For me, at least he wasn't isolating--he was staying in community with the rest of the famly. But was the message YOU felt him sending something like, "what you provided wasn't really good enough for me, so I'll take care of myself and eat these instead?" That would feel hurtful, not necessarily rude. Of course, it's bad manners to cause hurt feelings and not apologize.

[iquilt]

If the chips and salsa were out, I would not think this was rude.

[DawnM]

If YOU think this is rude, I would assume you have taught him that this is rude. Otherwise, no, it isn't rude.

 

My kids do ask before they eat something. I never really made it a rule, but I have told them that certain foods I am saving for a specific meal or whatever, so they typically will ask.

[Pawz4me]

It really depends on how you normally do things in your home.

 

 

Agreed. With two active teenaged boys and a totally "open" kitchen policy, it's a normal occurrence in our household. So not something that would have even been noticed and certainly not considered rude.

[Tammyla]

If a guest did that, I would definitely think it was rude. However, a teen at home who has not been taught yet...needs more seasoning. :smash:

[QuirkyKapers]

I was thinking it was nice he came and sat back down to finish dinner with everyone. I have seen this happen where the child leaves and starts watching t.v. I am not sure I would think rude, especially since he ate what was prepared. It would have be nice if he had asked if he could have them though.

[Trilliums]

I was thinking it was nice he came and sat back down to finish dinner with everyone. I have seen this happen where the child leaves and starts watching t.v. I am not sure I would think rude, especially since he ate what was prepared. It would have be nice if he had asked if he could have them though.

 

 

 

This is along the lines of what I was thinking. Bringing them back to the table seems like the sociable and friendly thing to do as opposed to eating them alone in the kitchen.

 

But, around here, if dinner does not include a starchy food, DH brings bread, chips or crackers to the table. I do not consider it rude. They are available as sides to all who care to partake. It it was all my teen was eating for dinner, then I'd mention the need to have a variety of foods.

[Parrothead]

Snacks don't happen while dinner is still on the table. How does one get the idea that behavior is okay?

[unsinkable]

Snacks don't happen while dinner is still on the table. How does one get the idea that behavior is okay?

 

 

One gets that idea because one is not raised by parents who micromanage one's food choices.

[Ellie]

If a guest did that, I would definitely think it was rude. However, a teen at home who has not been taught yet...needs more seasoning. :smash:

 

 

:rofl:

[Ellie]

 

But, around here, if dinner does not include a starchy food, DH brings bread, chips or crackers to the table. I do not consider it rude. They are available as sides to all who care to partake. It it was all my teen was eating for dinner, then I'd mention the need to have a variety of foods.

 

 

Mr. Ellie and I would have a discussion about that. I would be offended if he brought something to the table I had not served. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I would, and he would quit doing it...but then I would make sure there was a starchy food at every meal.

[Parrothead]

I don't think it is a case of micromanaging food choices. I think it is allowing bad behavior and setting someone up to be socially awkward.

 

"No, I'm not inviting bob and sue for dinner. He barely eats anything then raids the kitchen for chips. "

 

Or "No, I'm not inviting bob and sue over. He barely eats anything then pulls out his bag of chips."

[unsinkable]

I don't think it is a case of micromanaging food choices. I think it is allowing bad behavior and setting someone up to be socially awkward.

 

"No, I'm not inviting bob and sue for dinner. He barely eats anything then raids the kitchen for chips. "

 

 

Well, I would hope that a child of mine could simultaneously understand that while OUR family rules are "help yourself to what you want" OTHER families might have different rules.

 

It seems like most of the people who are in the "not rude" camp have a grip on this fact but those in the "rude" camp can barely comprehend it, as evidenced by your post.

[unsinkable]

Oh, I understand the help yourself to anything rule. The inlaws have this rule, and it is because the matriach has an 'indulge yourself' lifestyle, where gluttony is not a sin. A typical holiday meal is:

 

chips & dip

crackers, sausage & cheese

sausage lasagne

turkey or ham

buttered mash potatoes

buttered sweet potatoes

buttered carrots

rolls

cheesecake, pie, and ice cream

 

Never a green shall be seen here. No coincidence that the older ones are diabetic and morbidly obese.

 

The funniest extended family meal I've seen involved a teen who decided he didn't want the dinner. He did a BYO job and ate his grilled ribeye at the table where the guests were served hot dogs and beans to go with their chips. .

 

What a beautiful combination of snark and high-horsey-ness.

 

I tip my hat to you.

[unsinkable]

 

 

You can call names all you want. It is a true story.

 

When you allow people to value junk as much as real food, you've made a values choice that little pitchers see and internalize. Is that how you want to parent?

 

Yes.

 

 

Edited to add: I quoted Heigh Ho as written. She added to her quote after I responded.

[unsinkable]

 

I have a beautiful bridge, only $10 for you if you send your money to the Nigerian bank account number I will send you...

 

Look, if you can't agree that humans have a particular dietary need that isn't satisfied by junk, then the conversation is ended. Feed your baby soda and enjoy your life..

 

 

See, that's the thing...you have NO IDEA what is available in my house to eat.

 

Just because I said my kids can help themselves to whatever, you assumed it was junk food and began from there.

 

So whatever. I got to run to 7-11. I'm giving the toddlers roller dogs because I can get all that free nacho cheese and chili. Plus I'm out of Mountain Dew for the baby's bottle.

 

Edited to add: you also seemed to assume something about their ages so I went along.

[Parrothead]

 

 

Well, I would hope that a child of mine could simultaneously understand that while OUR family rules are "help yourself to what you want" OTHER families might have different rules.

 

It seems like most of the people who are in the "not rude" camp have a grip on this fact but those in the "rude" camp can barely comprehend it, as evidenced by your post.

 

 

I was not referring to you or your family when I posted. You are the one who made my comments about an in general subject about you and your family. This thread and its subject were not specifically about you. Why are you jumping on me and making it so?

[Parrothead]

 

 

What a beautiful combination of snark and high-horsey-ness.

 

I tip my hat to you.

 

What is your problem? Heigh ho didn't quote you or refer to you in any way in her post. Why are you being so ugly to people who have not ever referred to you and your family?

[unsinkable]

Snacks don't happen while dinner is still on the table. How does one get the idea that behavior is okay?

 

 

To review. You posted the above, with a question that I answered because I have relevant (in my mind) experience to answer the question. My reply is below.

 

 

One gets that idea because one is not raised by parents who micromanage one's food choices.

 

 

So then, you wrote the post below which referenced micromanaging, a word I had used. So I assumed you were replying to me.

I don't think it is a case of micromanaging food choices. I think it is allowing bad behavior and setting someone up to be socially awkward.

 

"No, I'm not inviting bob and sue for dinner. He barely eats anything then raids the kitchen for chips. "

 

Or "No, I'm not inviting bob and sue over. He barely eats anything then pulls out his bag of chips."

 

 

Then I wrote because you did want to know how one could get that idea.

 

 

Well, I would hope that a child of mine could simultaneously understand that while OUR family rules are "help yourself to what you want" OTHER families might have different rules.

 

It seems like most of the people who are in the "not rude" camp have a grip on this fact but those in the "rude" camp can barely comprehend it, as evidenced by your post.

 

 

So then you wrote:

 

 

 

I was not referring to you or your family when I posted. You are the one who made my comments about an in general subject about you and your family. This thread and its subject were not specifically about you. Why are you jumping on me and making it so?

 

 

I made my comments about me and my family because my comments about my family were relevant to the conversation.

 

If by quoting you, you consider it "jumping on you" I've got nothin'.

 

It's a message board. But I won't quote you again. No snark intended.

[unsinkable]

 

What is your problem? Heigh ho didn't quote you or refer to you in any way in her post. Why are you being so ugly to people who have not ever referred to you and your family?

 

 

I'm not being ugly.

 

Her post was full of snark directed to her own family. I consider what she wrote ugly to her family.

 

 

Edited to add: if I use a particular word or phrase like "micromanage" or "help yourself to whatever" and then people use those words or phrases AFTER me, I think they are referring to my post.

[zoobie]

I could see how your feelings would be hurt. Mine do when DH or the kids don't prefer the dinner I planned and made. Yet when I wind up not liking a new recipe, I will take a tiny serving and wait until the kids are in bed to have a snack. One new recipe was particularly horrid (stupid Pinterest), and I took one bite and yelled, "Don't eat it! Who wants eggs?" :)

 

Our usual rule is that if you're still hungry after dinner, there is a multitude of fruit and veggies at your disposal. I do not have teenagers yet... Whether he broke a family moré would make his behavior "rude" or not. It was sweet that he returned to the table though!

[LibraryLover]

double post

[LibraryLover]

I wouldn't think it was rude, but if it offends your meal sensibilities, you've got to tell him so.

 

I mostly buy organic blue corn chips, and make or buy good salsa without sugar. So to me, that would be like eating a little more starch and veggies, even if it wasn't potatoes or green beans.

 

But if that is not how you roll, it's not how you roll. :)

[SKL]

If I were the cook, I would think of that as him having chips and salsa for dessert. If he was a young kid, I'd veto it because I try to enforce healthier eating. For a teen, I'd probably just make a mental note to put up the chips when it isn't an appropriate time for snacking. ... If it were at someone else's house, I'd probably assume he didn't like the food served, ate a little out of politeness, and then was still hungry. I'd talk to him later and brainstorm the best way to deal with this type of situation. ... I'm not formal about family dinners. When you're done, you can ask to be excused even if others are still eating. At someone else's house, it would depend on how they do it with their kids.

[LibraryLover]

If he was a young kid, I'd veto it because I try to enforce healthier eating.

 

 

 

 

First, let me say that the OP can make her own mealtime rules; I am not arguing that at all.

 

But. I am in the camp that good salsa and good corn chips are healthy eating. Salsa: tomatoes, chili peppers, cilantro, onions, sometimes beans. Salsa can be made with some great ingredients. What's not healthy? Lots of folks can't have wheat, so they eat corn. They are some good tortilla chips being sold. Some are baked, and are not overly salted.

[Mary in VA]

You know, maybe he didnt love the meal. This may hurt mom's ego but its not a crime.

 

The kid is not 4. He is a teen. He is more than entitled to eat a snack after a reasonable dinner which he ate politely, IMO

 

:iagree: It wouldn't bother me at all if my teen did this. If she ate a reasonable portion of the meal and didn't waste any than I don't think it's a big deal at all in our own home. But then my teen is 18 and at this point is in control of what she eats. We're pretty relaxed here during regular nightly dinners. Now if this were a dinner for a special occasion then that would be rude.

 

Mary

[Laura Corin]

I don't think it is a case of micromanaging food choices. I think it is allowing bad behavior and setting someone up to be socially awkward.

 

"No, I'm not inviting bob and sue for dinner. He barely eats anything then raids the kitchen for chips. "

 

Or "No, I'm not inviting bob and sue over. He barely eats anything then pulls out his bag of chips."

 

 

But he didn't raid the kitchen for chips. They were on the side with the other food. If they had been put away, then it would (to me) have been rude. As they were still out with the other food, then they were part of the meal.

 

Laura

[In the Rain]

I read your update- that the chips were put away on the fridge.

 

To be honest, I would be offended if anyone got up from the table to find different food. I'll sometimes let my kids get carrots though, when they don't like a certain cooked veggie. (after they have tried the veggie dish)

 

I asked my kids what they thought. My 11yo said it sounded pretty rude. She said if people wanted more food, they should eat what is on the table. If they didn't like the food, they should wait until later to ask for a snack so it wasn't obvious they didn't like the food. :laugh: This pretty much matches what I see her do. :lol:

[klmama]

I don't mind my dc helping themselves to snacks at other times, but at meal time I expect them to eat the meal I prepared for them. If the food I served is still on the table, they aren't free to get something else until it is gone or they've asked permission. It's a work in progress, but I think it's a point of courtesy that they need to learn. Just because a bag of chips is visible doesn't make it courteous for them to help themselves to it. They need to ask first.

[Joker]

I think this is just based on how you do things in your home. It's going to be different for everyone and if you found it rude, it's ok to call him on it.

 

In our home it is fine to leave before everyone is finished (oldest takes forever to eat), and it is ok to grab something else after you've tried or eaten dinner. We don't put food on the table because it is too small, so everyone is serving themselves from the counter anyway.

 

My dds have never grabbed other food when eating somewhere else and they wait at the table until they know it's ok to leave. They have never had issues knowing how to behave in public or at someone else's home just because we do things differently in our own home.

[SKL]

First, let me say that the OP can make her own mealtime rules, I am not arguing that at all.

 

But. I am in the camp that good salsa and good corn chips are healthy eating. Salsa: tomatoes, chili peppers, cilantro, onions, sometimes beans. Salsa can be made with some great ingredients. What's not healthy? A lots of folks can't have wheat, so they eat corn. They are some good tortilla chips being sold. Some are baked, and are not overly salted.

I guess it might depend on the chips. I used to eat some lovely baked tortilla chips (Guiltless Gourmet) as a meal replacement myself, LOL. (When the kids were not home!) But for my kids (who are 6), I would not allow this because the message they would get is that it's OK to eat snack/junk food instead of meals. I don't necessarily inform them if a yummy snack is also healthy, LOL. When they are young they need to have consistent rules or they won't have any sense - in my experience, anyway.

[MissKNG]

Honestly, it really sounds like a very "teenage" thing to do. Chips and salsa are much more appealing than meat, sweet pototoes and kale for a teen, imo. I think the snacking while waiting for the dinner to be served is a bad habit to get into - teen is not going to starve if he/she needs to wait another 20 minutes to eat.

 

On the other hand, if this happened outside the home, I would find it to be rude unless the chips and salsa were purposely set out to munch on after dinner.

[MissKNG]

double post

[Shawna in Texas]

Not rude. But then I'm not the one to ask. I'd have not found it rude if they'd have preferred a sandwich instead of the strange concoction I whipped up.

[Lady Florida.]

Honestly, it really sounds like a very "teenage" thing to do. Chips and salsa are much more appealing than meat, sweet pototoes and kale for a teen, imo.

 

 

This. It sounds pretty typical of a teen.

[Audrey]

I don't think it's rude given the context from the OP.

 

It's just food. If your family has food issues, manage them. If they don't, let it go.

[Candid]

That wouldn't be allowed in my house. If they are hungry they need to eat more meal which I assume is made of more healthy ingredients than chips are.

[Michelle My Bell]

I think I would just call my child out on it if it bothered me. I would just inform them it insulted me and have a short discussion about it. I don't think I would think about it for another minute after that.

[Murphy101]

If it wasn't part of the meal served, I'd be annoyed. It's just as rude as bringing a bowl of ice cream to the table while everyone else is eating steak and salad. The steak and salad is quite yummy, but suddenly and unsurprisingly, no one wants to eat steak and salad when ice cream is an option. If one of my teens did that, there'd likely be a mini riot through the troops of "why can't I have chips?!" (Then everyone will want a water buffalo!! LOL)

 

So yes. Rude. Though I use ice cream and the OP used chips, it wouldn't matter what it was. It could be fruit and I'd feel the same way.

 

However, I've taught my kids that it's rude so they don't do that. If they eat their meal and had some fruit for dessert and are still hungry, then in a couple hours something else is likely to be available. Especially for the teens after the little ones go to bed. I get they need to eat more and try to accommodate that.

 

For the OP, if the cook thinks it's rude, then it's rude. If the cook is mom, she gets to put a stop to it. So if you think it's rude, tell him to stop. Problem solved. I wouldn't make a big production out of it.

[Parrothead]

But he didn't raid the kitchen for chips. They were on the side with the other food. If they had been put away, then it would (to me) have been rude. As they were still out with the other food, then they were part of the meal.

 

Laura

 

You all bring up good points. So ok. Not a guest. My own child. When I say the chips were "out" they weren't actually out. Try were on the fridge, where I keep them. I not a huge manager of what my kids eat, and snacking is unsupervised most of the time. But this just seemed a bit much to me, sitting down and eating them again like it was preferred to the dinner I had just cooked. Which it was, of course. No major big deal, but I wondered if I was alone in thinking it was kind of rude, because he just didn't see it.

[Danestress]

 

 

This is my fault because I changed the scenario half way through the thread, for which I am sorry. I did say they were on the counter in the first post because I was trying to think through the rudeness level for a guest vs a family member, and of course it would be rude for a guest to rummage through cupboards. I was just trying to eliminate that factor.

 

The chips in the actual case were on the fridge, but in my mind, that isn't really important because that would not really be "off limits" in my house. At snack times, my kids help themselves. At meal times I have always served what I serve, and in 20 years, this actually hasn't ever come up, lol.

 

No big deal. I actually feel free to set whatever rules I like in my own house, so I wasn't really looking for help making a rule, but I just wondering what others really feel polite/rude.

 

Sorry for the confusion ladies!

 

 

[Trish]

It would depend on how loud the crinkling was.

[Laurie4b]

Nonissue. If done at home, I might say that I didn't want more snacking, but would not think it was rude, just not my idea of healthy eating. If a guest did it at my home, I wouldn't think it was rude, either.

[Tita Gidge]

It wouldn't be rude in our home, but it would be rude in my MIL's home (so my husband might take more issue with it than I would).

 

To me, the bigger issue is learning to choke down food you don't like out of respect for the cook/host. He did that.

 

To me, it's a lesser issue of following a meal you didn't like with something you preferred. I liked that he at least sat back down to the table to continue visiting. Meals here are more social than anything else, so that's where I'm coming from. In my husband's home, meals were more about function (to eat) and not uber-formal but more formal so respect for the cook would be important ... and chowing down on something else while others at the cook's meal would be totally frowned upon.

 

To me, I'd find it rude if he had taken the chips and gone to another room to eat them. My husband finds it more rude that he didn't.

 

Different strokes rule the world LOL.