Son's comment really upset me tonight

[Catwoman]

Kari, that's kind of my frame of reference, too. I was taking it as read that of course the child did go to bed with a full belly and was not actually hungry (this after a full day of excellent care from Mom), whereas the working man probably was both wanting and needing to eat.

 

It's not "refusing food to a hungry person" if you've properly fed your child all day and put him to bed, but then allowed someone other than him to eat in your kitchen without getting him up and serving him a second supper. Especially when that someone is his own father who provided all the meals for everyone and would just like a bite to eat, himself, that would be his supper, before falling into bed.

 

 

In this case, though, the OP specified that her dh was having the pizza as a snack. It wasn't his dinner.

[Melissa in Australia]

I have no problem with adults eating as and after children are going to bed. My DH likes to have a beer some evenings as he watches TV. the kids aare not offered any. Sometimes he likes to eat corn chips with it. All the kids know that it is dad's special treat.

When they were younger and complained I told them that when they grow up, they can be a dad and do things like that too. that was enough of an explanation to satisfy them.

 

there has to be some treats for being the dad occasionally(or mum)

[LMD]

This post is reminding me of the time my then-5yo dd complained, "I have to do all the work around here." What triggered this lament was that I asked her to pick up something she had left on the floor. LOL. It totally isn't fair!

 

Oh yep, both my 7 & 5 year olds have tried that one. :smilielol5:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

 

 

In this case, though, the OP specified that her dh was having the pizza as a snack. It wasn't his dinner.

 

 

Oops. Sorry! I caught that the first time I posted but forgot it by the time I came back to post again, 9 or 10 hours later.

 

Stenographer, strike my second post from the record.

[Mango]

No the pizza was not tantrum worthy. It was a fresh pizza from Aldi. The only kind of pre-made we can afford right now.

 

DH reminded me that he had made the kids pizza for dinner. Me, I was hiding in my bedroom because

1. I was too worn our from the day and I needed a moment,

2. Like Impish, I can't eat pizza. To be around it is torture.

3. it's one meal that makes Daddy the dinner hero.

 

My son is too old to be having tantrums. He's 10. A bit shocking for me to see him having this kind of a tantrum.

 

No he wasn't getting sick.

 

Yesterday was better. Partly because I filled him in on all the things he could be doing to encourage us to think he's becoming more adult-like and "earning" those adult-like privileges he's craving.

 

Personally I think the change in his attitude is more because he realizes this is a free-candy weekend (Easter) and he's realized that I've not bought any yet. Oopsie.

 

Oh yea, the hen coop needs a good cleaning son.

[Impish]

No the pizza was not tantrum worthy. It was a fresh pizza from Aldi. The only kind of pre-made we can afford right now.

 

DH reminded me that he had made the kids pizza for dinner. Me, I was hiding in my bedroom because

1. I was too worn our from the day and I needed a moment,

2. Like Impish, I can't eat pizza. To be around it is torture.

3. it's one meal that makes Daddy the dinner hero.

 

My son is too old to be having tantrums. He's 10. A bit shocking for me to see him having this kind of a tantrum.

 

No he wasn't getting sick.

 

Yesterday was better. Partly because I filled him in on all the things he could be doing to encourage us to think he's becoming more adult-like and "earning" those adult-like privileges he's craving.

 

Personally I think the change in his attitude is more because he realizes this is a free-candy weekend (Easter) and he's realized that I've not bought any yet. Oopsie.

 

Oh yea, the hen coop needs a good cleaning son.

 

 

First of all, condolances on the lack of pizza eating ability. It sucks.

 

2nd...hang on...the kids HAD pizza for supper, and the 10 yo STILL threw a tantrum b/c Daddy was having some after they were in bed? Oh, HECK no. NO, no, no!

[Catwoman]

First of all, condolances on the lack of pizza eating ability. It sucks.

 

2nd...hang on...the kids HAD pizza for supper, and the 10 yo STILL threw a tantrum b/c Daddy was having some after they were in bed? Oh, HECK no. NO, no, no!

 

 

That was information we needed in the original post!!! :eek:

 

I was thinking he was 4 or 5, not 10 -- and that the pizza was probably a treat he hadn't eaten in a while! ("Several hours" doesn't count as "a while." :glare:)

 

That changes EVERYTHING! The kid was way out of line! (And no wonder Mango was so upset!!!)

 

I'm pretty lenient, and even I wouldn't have put up with that.

[Kari C in SC]

 

 

In this case, though, the OP specified that her dh was having the pizza as a snack. It wasn't his dinner.

 

 

I honestly don't care if it was a snack or his second or third dinner... He is the Dad and that is the end of the discussion with child as far as I'm concerned. Giving into kids likes this can lead to adults that believe they are entitled. When I was a kid, my parents would drink soda whenever they pleased. The kids were allowed one cup at dinner. It never occurred to me to argue about that. It was just our place.

[clarkacademy]

This is how I look at this sort of thing. I can have that late night snack because I am an adult. I can pretty much do whatever I want. I raise 4 kids on my own, two with disabilities. I make all the choices and have all the consequences on my own. I have no help. I gave up a great teaching career that I worked pretty hard to have for these kids. While most girls my age were at the bar partying I was home with autism, adhd, tourettes, asthma, figuring out how to make a car payment. If I wanna have that little snack treat whatever and not share I will. I will also feel no guilt at all about it. There have been many meals where I barely ate to make sure that growing kids got their bellies full. Many late nights taking care of them. I mean you guys are parents you know the drill. If I wanna reward myself I will and my kid can go back to bed because someday it will be their turn to deal with all this drama and they will need a little pick me up too.

[8circles]

I honestly don't care if it was a snack or his second or third dinner... He is the Dad and that is the end of the discussion with child as far as I'm concerned. Giving into kids likes this can lead to adults that believe they are entitled. When I was a kid, my parents drinks soda whenever they pleased. The kids were allowed one cup at dinner. It never occurred to me to argue about that. It was just our place.

 

 

I understand what you're saying but I don't get the repeated comments about giving in. Nobody here has suggested anything like giving in. Or did I just miss it? There have been suggestions or comments about some people would have given some pizza after being asked, not after having a tantrum. Allowing the DS to have pizza when askedwouldn't be giving in, it would be answering differently than some others here & I think is a valid response to a question. "Dad's having pizza? Can I have some, too?" Option 1: "No, go back to bed". Option 2: "Yes, here's one piece. Finish it & go back to bed".

[Kari C in SC]

 

 

I understand what you're saying but I don't get the repeated comments about giving in. Nobody here has suggested anything like giving in. Or did I just miss it? There have been suggestions or comments about some people would have given some pizza after being asked, not after having a tantrum. Allowing the DS to have pizza when askedwouldn't be giving in, it would be answering differently than some others here & I think is a valid response to a question. "Dad's having pizza? Can I have some, too?" Option 1: "No, go back to bed". Option 2: "Yes, here's one piece. Finish it & go back to bed".

 

 

Oh I agree with you that people have different choices. I mean in response of telling him no with a tantrum following.

[happyhomemaker25]

My 6yo used to ask me "why do you treat us like SLAVES?!" once I started them on chores. Ha! So overly dramatic. He is required to pick up the living room (there is usually about 10 toys he must pick up). Slaves, my a**.

 

 

I had a preteen tell me once the only reason we wanted children was so they could be our slaves. I laughed (evilly of course) and agreed. I then reassured her that one day she too would have slave children and it would be a beautiful thing. LOL

Of course I'd asked her not to put dirty dishes from the dishwasher in the cabinets. Slave driver!

[Mango]

So DS pulled another tantrum, this time kicking walls, today because he didn't feel like he should have to clean his room.

 

DH has a shadow and DS is it. Thankfully it's Saturday and DH can take as much time as it takes.

 

Still working on getting to the bottom of this big anger we're seeing from ds.

[Koerarmoca]

I look at it like this, we as parents...work to earn the money to buy the food, educate the children, clothe them, clean up after them...etc. Surly we are entitled to a slice of pizza, or some other treat when we want without kids.

 

We have a "parent" self in the fridge even.

 

A majority of our income is spent on the kids our little treats are well earned!

[8circles]

So DS pulled another tantrum, this time kicking walls, today because he didn't feel like he should have to clean his room.

 

DH has a shadow and DS is it. Thankfully it's Saturday and DH can take as much time as it takes.

 

Still working on getting to the bottom of this big anger we're seeing from ds.

 

 

It sounds like something else is going on. I would probably not focus on treating the symptom (I would treat it, just not FOCUS on it) and try to spend more quality time teasing out the root of the problem. With my 9 yo DS, it usually doesn't take long after he realizes that I'm really wanting to listen to him, not just be a disciplinarian.

 

:grouphug: Hang in there.

[Catwoman]

So DS pulled another tantrum, this time kicking walls, today because he didn't feel like he should have to clean his room.

 

DH has a shadow and DS is it. Thankfully it's Saturday and DH can take as much time as it takes.

 

Still working on getting to the bottom of this big anger we're seeing from ds.

 

 

It's quite concerning that he is having violent tantrums, but even more concerning if this is a new thing and he used to be a much calmer kid. Has anything traumatic happened to him lately? Has a much-loved relative passed away? Has he been bullied? Is there a new baby in the house? is there any chance that he has been abused and hasn't told you about it? Is your ds frustrated with schoolwork, an outside activity, a neighbor kid, or anything else you can think of? (I'm just trying to find some sort of trigger here, because this is a LOT of anger, and if this is a new thing, something must have caused it.)

 

I know that a lot of kids his age develop some attitude problems and can get pretty fresh, but banging on furniture and kicking walls is way beyond acceptable.

 

I hope you're able to get to the bottom of it, because I'm sure your ds is basically a really great kid. :grouphug:

[Tita Gidge]

I grew up in a big family and spent an entire childhood subject to the "one day you'll be old enough to ..." lectures!

 

I hated them! But not enough to strike them from my own parenting arsenal LOL.

 

I can't really think of a time I pulled the Parent Card. I'm don't think I'm really against it, just haven't had to, I guess ... but my kids regularly hear that the older kids get to do x, y, and z because they're older. And the younger kids get away with x, y, and z because they're younger.

 

There are privileges older kids get and privileges younger kids are allowed - whether by virtue of chronological age, level of maturity (or lack thereof), and responsibilities (or lack thereof). It's why the older ones can stay up later and snack on pizza in front of a movie ... and it's also why the younger ones get a little more playtime while the olders do chores. I say it all of the time, and the kids have taken to joining in unison admist much eye-rolling and groaning: "It's all a wash and it'll even out in the end!"

 

10-11 was a challenging year for my boys. I don't know if it was a hormonal thing, or just a breaking away from mom and not-yet-a-man-but-more-than-a-boy deal but each boy had a challenging time. This was the age when the pedestal they had placed me on crumbled. Pretty much overnight. And they were unknowingly hungry for more male interaction and time. It was almost a physiological craving, as though they had to prove (to me? to the world? to themselves? I don't know) that they were no longer little boys ... unfortunately, the learning to be a great man takes some training and time so there's this awful stretch of time in which we're subject to the transition. This has been consistent for ALL of my boys.

 

It's weird. It's like they're subject to this internal battle between wanting to grow up but being afraid of to, all the while the world around hasn't stopped spinning so we parents, teachers, coaches, and friends keep dumping more onto their overburdened little minds and hearts. I think a lot of sudden anger in kids comes from hormonal changes coupled with being overwhelmed by it all. I know that's where it comes from with me, and I have the benefit of years/experience on my side that the adolescent set doesn't.

 

I hope you figure out what his deal is -- not just for his sake, but for yours also. It's hard to deal with those kinds of tantrums, especially at that age. I have a few more to navigate through those years with, so I'm right there with you and feeling your frustration!

[Tita Gidge]

Maybe in the future, you could explain to him where he went wrong?

 

If you're open to sharing a midnight snack, tell him that you wish it had gone differently and that you couldn't even CONSIDER inviting him to share a few minutes (pizza or time) once he started to tantrum. That's an automatic no, and if you explain it in calm terms just like that ... there isn't much he can argue, and it's giving him tools to control his behavior (and seeing the benefit to). You may have said yes, or you may have said no to allowing him to join dad for a few minutes ... but you didn't even get a chance to consider it because he went from 0-60 too fast and he made the decision FOR you by virtue of tantruming.

 

If you're not open to sharing the snack, but would be open to letting him steal a few minutes of alone time with dad in the thrill of the past-bedtime hour (which could go farther than pizza, IME) it's pretty much the same spiel. Don't hold the pizza or stolen moments over his head, but present it all as matter-of-fact if you're able to follow through later. Then drop it. Give him another chance. It may come soon, or in another year, but once it does give him the opportunity (free from reminders of his bad way to handle it LOL) to try again. If you're sneaky, you can even set it up. I have LOL. And sometimes it works, sometimes it takes a few more chances for them to see immediate benefits to controlling their anger.

 

Once they see immediate benefits to controlling it, you can work on any deeper issues of getting to the WHY behind it. But IME addressing the HOW first is way easier. And in addressing the HOW, remember that handling anger is a SKILL. Some are naturally born with it, most of us need practice. Lots of it, unfortunately.

[Mango]

He just turned 10 and we relented and gave him a nintendo ds. The games that he got were board games gone electronic. Brain age, and one mario cart racing thing he bought. So nothing violent. This is probably the source of our problem. Hmmm, now to decide what to do.

 

We gave it to him knowing that it could be a problem and we told him we'd be watching to see how he manages his time & attitude with it. It was used because we also didn't know how he'd treat it and we didn't want to spend a ton. He knew it would be used.

 

Frustrating. I guess it was a bad decision.

[Jenny in Florida]

 

All I can hear is Fezik in the Princess Bride:

 

"Clearly I can't drink the poison in front of me..."

 

That was Vizzini, but points are always awarded for Princess Bride references.

[SproutMamaK]

He just turned 10 and we relented and gave him a nintendo ds. The games that he got were board games gone electronic. Brain age, and one mario cart racing thing he bought. So nothing violent. This is probably the source of our problem. Hmmm, now to decide what to do.

 

We gave it to him knowing that it could be a problem and we told him we'd be watching to see how he manages his time & attitude with it. It was used because we also didn't know how he'd treat it and we didn't want to spend a ton. He knew it would be used.

 

Frustrating. I guess it was a bad decision.

 

Can I ask how the DS relates to his tantrums? I'm not seeing how getting a DS would make him have a temper tantrum over pizza. I can understand the cleaning his room thing, because then you'd be asking him to spend time on something when he would way rather be playing on his new exciting toy, but the pizza still doesn't really make sense?

 

I'm assuming that you mean there's an underlying attitude problem and getting the DS was a catalyst for it, but IMHO that's actually a GOOD thing. There was a 'heart issue' under the surface that you didn't know about it and now it's been brought to the surface so you can deal with.

 

I just am a little concerned that the DS might get the blame when there's a bigger problem that needs to be searched for and addressed.

[Catwoman]

He just turned 10 and we relented and gave him a nintendo ds. The games that he got were board games gone electronic. Brain age, and one mario cart racing thing he bought. So nothing violent. This is probably the source of our problem. Hmmm, now to decide what to do.

 

We gave it to him knowing that it could be a problem and we told him we'd be watching to see how he manages his time & attitude with it. It was used because we also didn't know how he'd treat it and we didn't want to spend a ton. He knew it would be used.

 

Frustrating. I guess it was a bad decision.

 

Why are you assuming that the Nintendo DS is the cause of the problem? The games you bought don't seem to be anything at all that would incite a child to violent tantrums.

[Alte Veste Academy]

10-11 was a challenging year for my boys. I don't know if it was a hormonal thing, or just a breaking away from mom and not-yet-a-man-but-more-than-a-boy deal but each boy had a challenging time. This was the age when the pedestal they had placed me on crumbled. Pretty much overnight. And they were unknowingly hungry for more male interaction and time. It was almost a physiological craving, as though they had to prove (to me? to the world? to themselves? I don't know) that they were no longer little boys ... unfortunately, the learning to be a great man takes some training and time so there's this awful stretch of time in which we're subject to the transition. This has been consistent for ALL of my boys.

 

It's weird. It's like they're subject to this internal battle between wanting to grow up but being afraid of to, all the while the world around hasn't stopped spinning so we parents, teachers, coaches, and friends keep dumping more onto their overburdened little minds and hearts. I think a lot of sudden anger in kids comes from hormonal changes coupled with being overwhelmed by it all. I know that's where it comes from with me, and I have the benefit of years/experience on my side that the adolescent set doesn't.

 

I am seeing this with my own DS10 right now. There is definitely a desire and a hard-wired need for more male interaction. My DH has been away for going on three months and it has never been more apparent to me that DS needs his dad. He respects me, he loves me, he needs me...but he is in a process of turning into a man and he craves time with DH.

 

OP, I wouldn't start with the DS. I would start with frank discussions about growing up. Look at chores and privileges, maybe take them up a notch. My DS10 will occasionally act like the world should revolve around him, which irritates me until I realize that I have made the mistake of letting the world revolve around him. :tongue_smilie: There comes a time when the dialogue needs to be open. I have started to open up more about what life is like for DH and me as adults. We talk openly about the evolution from helpless infant to fully functional adult. I have even drawn those "you are here" arrows for him on a timeline (helpless newborn who can't do anything but pee/poo, cry, and flail on his own on one side and adult who can do anything and is prepared to make his own way in the world on the other). Sometimes I need to see that timeline as much as he does. My baby is not a baby anymore.

 

With him, I am starting to intentionally open up his world. I used to shield him from all news. Now I purposefully select stories I think he is old enough to read, things he needs to be exposed to so he develops an appropriate understanding about the inherent unfairness of the world. He needs to understand that where you are born at all is unfair. I strive to make life fair for my kids, but I can't always and I can't forever. Anyway, it is helping him mature, in a good way. It isn't me constantly saying life's not fair. It's me gently letting that reality sink in for itself. I think this is a good age to start widening a kid's world, in every way possible. In my opinion, everyone can get self-absorbed without enough looking outside of their own needs and experiences.

 

Long story short, I think this is a good age to start increasing expectations. He might surprise you by rising to the occasion. I would also look at how much time he gets with dad. Regularly scheduled the for them to pal around or work together or just talk? If there isn't enough, I would up it.

[elegantlion]

 

Can I ask how the DS relates to his tantrums? I'm not seeing how getting a DS would make him have a temper tantrum over pizza. I can understand the cleaning his room thing, because then you'd be asking him to spend time on something when he would way rather be playing on his new exciting toy, but the pizza still doesn't really make sense?

 

I'm assuming that you mean there's an underlying attitude problem and getting the DS was a catalyst for it, but IMHO that's actually a GOOD thing. There was a 'heart issue' under the surface that you didn't know about it and now it's been brought to the surface so you can deal with.

 

I just am a little concerned that the DS might get the blame when there's a bigger problem that needs to be searched for and addressed.

 

I agree. I wouldn't automatically blame a video game. At that age a nice weekend away or a weekend outing with dad made it easier to get to the heart of the problem. Despite the stereotype boys are emotional creatures, sometimes they do better dealing with the feelings while doing something else. Ds and dh used to go hit golf balls at the driving range at that age. Great bonding and a great way to work off some tension.

[swellmomma]

 

I understand what you're saying but I don't get the repeated comments about giving in. Nobody here has suggested anything like giving in. Or did I just miss it? There have been suggestions or comments about some people would have given some pizza after being asked, not after having a tantrum. Allowing the DS to have pizza when askedwouldn't be giving in, it would be answering differently than some others here & I think is a valid response to a question. "Dad's having pizza? Can I have some, too?" Option 1: "No, go back to bed". Option 2: "Yes, here's one piece. Finish it & go back to bed".

 

I agree. I haven't seen anyone say give in. I responded that I could see the kid's POV (based on the OP not the updated information), that is not the same as giving in. I would not have given pizza either, I would not have put up with a tantrum or rewarded such behaviour. I simply said I get it from the kid's POV, that does not mean the kid was right. That is the general consensus I was reading from those that commented about the kid's POV, not that it was okay or should be rewarded, just that they get it. I am finding the comments on this thread to be polarizing, either you stomp you foot and say "I'm the grown up dammit that's why" or you are suddenly giving into tantrums and handing over your snacks. I am not seeing anyone actually saying give in. I suggested that if making a coveted snack to wait until the kids are fully asleep not merely in their beds, but again that was before reading the updated post.

[SKL]

It might or might not be the video game. Some kids are very affected because these use the brain in a unique way and it messes with some kids' wiring. .... That said, it could be coincidental with a change in his needs as he matures. I like the comments experienced moms of boys have made about changing things up to help him move toward the path of becoming a man. Some more grown-up responsibilities and rights. But before I got to that, I might just sit him down and say, "what is going on that is suddenly making you get angry so easily over little things? This is not normal for you. Give it some thought and tell me what you think."

[PachiSusan]

That was Vizzini, but points are always awarded for Princess Bride references.

 

Oh crap. Thank you for the correction. I will change it now. I must have had someone else's brain yesterday cuz I was off on quite a few things!!!!!

[Unicorn.]

So DS pulled another tantrum, this time kicking walls, today because he didn't feel like he should have to clean his room.

 

DH has a shadow and DS is it. Thankfully it's Saturday and DH can take as much time as it takes.

 

Still working on getting to the bottom of this big anger we're seeing from ds.

 

Welcome to puberty. He's 10, it's quite possible the hormones are starting to kick in. He's also at the age where he wants to start being treated more like a grown up. Time to have a talk about taking on more responsibility, to earn more privileges. Also, make sure he is getting plenty of protein, lots of sleep, and eating few carbs. :grouphug: 10-11 seems to be the age where the icky attitudes starts w/ boys.

[PachiSusan]

So DS pulled another tantrum, this time kicking walls, today because he didn't feel like he should have to clean his room.

 

DH has a shadow and DS is it. Thankfully it's Saturday and DH can take as much time as it takes.

 

Still working on getting to the bottom of this big anger we're seeing from ds.

 

 

Oh no! I'm sorry his anger is getting so out of control!! It may be puberty hitting. I know that my SIL warned me that about 10/11 her boys became SUPER emotional - very angry and swinging to crying over little things - just like a PMS-ing woman.

 

I wouldn't think the Nintendo would have anything to do with it UNLESS you let him have it, he gorged on it and you've taken away his ability to play it as much as he wants.

[DragonFaerie]

One problem I would have with sharing my bedtime snack with my kids is that they would make a habit of it. "Hey, Mom gave us a piece of her pizza last night. I wonder what she's having tonight? Maybe it's ice cream!" And here's they'd come hoping for some of whatever I might be having. And again the next night, and the next. That's the problem with giving my kids any leeway. Give an inch, they'll take a mile.... or six!

[SKL]

One problem I would have with sharing my bedtime snack with my kids is that they would make a habit of it. "Hey, Mom gave us a piece of her pizza last night. I wonder what she's having tonight? Maybe it's ice cream!" And here's they'd come hoping for some of whatever I might be having. And again the next night, and the next. That's the problem with giving my kids any leeway. Give an inch, they'll take a mile.... or six!

We simply don't do bedtime snacking and I don't allow exceptions for this reason. Sometimes other people will give my kids something to eat around bedtime and it makes me crazy. We don't do that! I don't want them getting up needing the restroom, gaining unnecessary weight, having food sitting on their teeth all night, developing bad habits etc. I'm the mother and this is something I get to decide for my kids, period. By a certain time of the evening my kids have had their full day's nutrition and shouldn't be having any more. They brush their teeth and that's the end of it. (Can you tell this is one of my buttons?) Other families do their own thing for their own reasons, and that's great. We moms put a lot of thought and work into our kids' health, so I can understand why the OP didn't want her family's rules messed with.

[DragonFaerie]

We simply don't do bedtime snacking and I don't allow exceptions for this reason. Sometimes other people will give my kids something to eat around bedtime and it makes me crazy. We don't do that! I don't want them getting up needing the restroom, gaining unnecessary weight, having food sitting on their teeth all night, developing bad habits etc. I'm the mother and this is something I get to decide for my kids, period. By a certain time of the evening my kids have had their full day's nutrition and shouldn't be having any more. They brush their teeth and that's the end of it. (Can you tell this is one of my buttons?) Other families do their own thing for their own reasons, and that's great. We moms put a lot of thought and work into our kids' health, so I can understand why the OP didn't want her family's rules messed with.

 

I don't allow a lot of snacking anyway. My kids can have one dessert per day, either after lunch or after dinner, their choice. The only exception to this is they might sometimes be hungry if they've had a late practice (track or dance right now). In that case, I will let them have a piece of fruit or cheese or a yogurt before they brush their teeth and get ready for bed. But that is definitely the exception, not the rule.

[SKL]

 

I don't allow a lot of snacking anyway. My kids can have one dessert per day, either after lunch or after dinner, their choice. The only exception to this is they might sometimes be hungry if they've had a late practice (track or dance right now). In that case, I will let them have a piece of fruit or cheese or a yogurt before they brush their teeth and get ready for bed. But that is definitely the exception, not the rule.

My kids know to tell me if they are still hungry after dinner time. And not to wait until after they brush their teeth to do so. They rarely ask, and when they do, it's usually on one of those chaotic days when we didn't have a proper sit-down meal and they just want some milk or fruit to round things out.

[Luanne]

So, basically some people actually think that if a kid (who is supposed to be in bed) comes out and asks for something, they should automatically get it no matter what. I think I am glad I am not around some of your children then because they can't be very pleasant people to be around. Even as an adult, we don't always get everything we want and it is better for children to learn that as children than to expect everything they want all the time. I've seen adults like this and they aren't very happy people.

 

I see we have finally determined the child is 10. A 10 year old should know better than to throw a fit.

[PachiSusan]

So, basically some people actually think that if a kid (who is supposed to be in bed) comes out and asks for something, they should automatically get it no matter what. I think I am glad I am not around some of your children then because they can't be very pleasant people to be around. Even as an adult, we don't always get everything we want and it is better for children to learn that as children than to expect everything they want all the time. I've seen adults like this and they aren't very happy people.

 

I see we have finally determined the child is 10. A 10 year old should know better than to throw a fit.

 

I didn't read it that way - but maybe I missed something.

 

Personally in my family, it's not as big of a deal to me as it is to others and that's fine. If I thought she was hungry and she asked nicely, I might just let her have the Pizza, brush her teeth and go back to bed. However, if the tantrum happened like in this case, she would not get it. Not because of any family rule about food, but because of our rule of "Tantrums get you nothing but trouble".

[MomatHWTK]

Some kids are more temper prone than others. Some have feelings coming up inside and don't know the proper way to get them out. Now, my kids does have real diagnosed issues and they began to become more problematic at age 10 because of the upsurge of hormones. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that a cihld who throws a tantrum at 10 is someone in deep mental trouble. Instead, I'd recognize that household stresses, hormonal changes, and change in appetite (it is AMAZING how much the 10 y.o.'s I've had in my house can eat) may all be coming together in a bad way.

 

 

But given the age, I would say the OP's ds is beginning to ride that hormone wave and has no idea what is going on inside him. He's acting on emotion and hormonal power surges. If the household is stressed otherwise, he's not going to find a lot of room to safely act those out. My DS has his worst days, when I am having mine.

 

 

It sounds like a lot of the hurt in the OP's post comes from her own limitations regarding food. That needs to be dealt with separately. If it is torture for an adult to have to give up a food and know others are eating it, then transfer those feelings to a 10 y.o. who loves that particular food and isn't able to control or even understand all his feelings (even if he did just have the food for dinner). Maybe for the time being dad could come up with a different "hero" food.

 

Really, not all kids are able to control their tempers, speak appropriately to their parents, and do the right thing even if they have been properly "trained." Not even all adults can manage to do everything they've been taught all the time. If I had to give up a food that made me feel the way OP feels about pizza and then DH cooked himself one as a snack- I'd be hitting furniture. :blush5:

 

I have to be honest, whenever I read a "My kids would never...", "I can't imagine...", "I don't allow..." or, wow, your kids "can't be very pleasant..." I have to think, these parents will get their turn on the merry go round too and I sure hope they are prepared when things start spinning.

 

Humans have flaws, and our kids do too. Some of you may end up with model children who group up to be model adults and never set foot astray. But I doubt if many of us will find that to be true. I trust that most of us seek to do our best, but when it comes to child rearing I have yet to meet anyone whose best effort guranteed them a perfect outcome.

[SKL]

I may have said "my kids would never," but I meant at the age they are now - a relatively mellow age (6). I am moving out when they turn 13, so all bets are off after that . . . .

[8circles]

So, basically some people actually think that if a kid (who is supposed to be in bed) comes out and asks for something, they should automatically get it no matter what. I think I am glad I am not around some of your children then because they can't be very pleasant people to be around. Even as an adult, we don't always get everything we want and it is better for children to learn that as children than to expect everything they want all the time. I've seen adults like this and they aren't very happy people.

 

I see we have finally determined the child is 10. A 10 year old should know better than to throw a fit.

 

Who said that?

 

What a judgemental post. Honestly, I know a few "my kids would NEVER", "I don't allow (insert bad behavior)" parents IRL and they certainly don't seem very happy. They are extremely stressed-out from always being on high-alert for the slightest infraction or expression of immature emotion from their child.

 

A 10 year-old probably does know not to throw a fit. That isn't all that you need in order to not throw a fit. I think we adults all throw a fit sometimes & we certainly do know better. Do you always behave in the way you know you should?

[Jenny in Florida]

Why are you assuming that the Nintendo DS is the cause of the problem? The games you bought don't seem to be anything at all that would incite a child to violent tantrums.

 

When my son was younger, we noticed that any screen time of any kind in excess tended to have a direct, observable correlation to increased agression and attitude problems. It honestly didn't matter what he was watching or playing (although computer/video games tended to be more problematic than TV). If he spent more hours than usual watching or playing, he became more agressive and unmanageable. Period. Always.

[SKL]

I can think of many instances of adults throwing tantrums. Even some very respected adults. I've thrown a few, but usually nobody is around to witness it.

[PachiSusan]

I can think of many instances of adults throwing tantrums. Even some very respected adults. I've thrown a few, but usually nobody is around to witness it.

 

LOL - absolutely positively amazingly true. We as adults get away with so many tantrums it isn't funny. Yours truly included. :)

[Chelli]

When my son was younger, we noticed that any screen time of any kind in excess tended to have a direct, observable correlation to increased agression and attitude problems. It honestly didn't matter what he was watching or playing (although computer/video games tended to be more problematic than TV). If he spent more hours than usual watching or playing, he became more agressive and unmanageable. Period. Always.

 

My oldest dc is like this. I limit screen time so severely around here because of her. The other two could take it or leave it, but it effects her for days afterward. Luckily even she has began to notice the correlation, so it's not such a fight anymore to tell her to turn it off.

[Koerarmoca]

I'm suddenly VERY experienced with tantrums. We are currently a 4 parent, 11 child household (well 8 full time kids, 3 are weekenders only) my 7 year old nephew has more tantrums a day then I can count. (He is on medication and diagnosed bipolar/ ADHD) either way his parents who are rarely home pretty much give in every.single.time. Me, I'm no push-over while they give in to end the tantrums I hold my ground even if that means he is going to throw things, hit me, scream for 45 minutes. I actually dread when his parents are home because I can't intervene. It is a real disservice to him to let him get away with murder. 99% of the time you just can't give in.

 

I am wondering though if there is some thing causing sudden tantrums of this magnitude at his age.

[Catwoman]

Who said that?

 

What a judgemental post. Honestly, I know a few "my kids would NEVER", "I don't allow (insert bad behavior)" parents IRL and they certainly don't seem very happy. They are extremely stressed-out from always being on high-alert for the slightest infraction or expression of immature emotion from their child.

 

A 10 year-old probably does know not to throw a fit. That isn't all that you need in order to not throw a fit. I think we adults all throw a fit sometimes & we certainly do know better. Do you always behave in the way you know you should?

 

:iagree:

 

That is exactly what I was thinking. As a relatively lenient parent, I took personal offense to this comment:

 

So, basically some people actually think that if a kid (who is supposed to be in bed) comes out and asks for something, they should automatically get it no matter what. I think I am glad I am not around some of your children then because they can't be very pleasant people to be around.

 

I don't know why some people seem to assume that if you aren't a strict disciplinarian about every little thing, your kids will turn out to be unpleasant, entitled adults. And in this case, apparently our kids are already unpleasant to be around, because some of us choose to share our food with them. :glare: (And honestly, not one person here said that children should automatically get what they ask for, no matter what. We were talking about a dad sharing a slice of pizza with his son -- and when we said it, none of us knew that he was 10 and that he had already had pizza that night. I can't speak for everyone else, but once I heard that part of the story, it changed my feelings about the whole incident.)

[kwg]

My 10 year old ds wasn't throwing tantrums but he was giving me a lot of grief. I was dragging him through the day and trying to 'make everything fun' and he was still giving me attitude. The last straw was when he said to me, "You are so mean." ha! I have seen mean, and I am not it! So I took away the computer for a month. (now that is mean! lol) We had never had to do anything like that before but really that kind of thing is a privilege, not a right. I occasionally reminded him of my expectations during that month and we talked about the actual incident but also his general attitude and how if he wanted to have computers etc he would need to act. It seemed to re-align him for the rest of the school year. Before when I was just talking he was hearing Charlie Brown's teacher, lol. But once I took away something then he started to listen. :glare:

 

I am sorry you and your ds are having such a hard time. BTDT :grouphug: and prob will again soon enough also :lol:. Hang in there! Not that you should put up with it or anything but just so you know - I have one that is 24 and out of the house and is a very nice young lady. You should have seen the tantrums she threw at 14. :banghead:

[happymomofboys]

I have to be honest, whenever I read a "My kids would never...", "I can't imagine...", "I don't allow..." or, wow, your kids "can't be very pleasant..." I have to think, these parents will get their turn on the merry go round too and I sure hope they are prepared when things start spinning.

 

Humans have flaws, and our kids do too. Some of you may end up with model children who group up to be model adults and never set foot astray. But I doubt if many of us will find that to be true. I trust that most of us seek to do our best, but when it comes to child rearing I have yet to meet anyone whose best effort guranteed them a perfect outcome.

 

I don't hear anyone saying their kids are perfect or that they are perfect parents. When I say "I don't allow..." or "My kids would never..." I mean that if they did, they'd face serious consequences. End of story. That doesn't make me a perfect parent or them perfect children. It means I don't permit certain behaviors in my home. Some other parents do. Different strokes.

 

ETA: I'll give another example of this. In my house, I don't allow stealing and lying. I have a child who has, in the past, struggled with these particular sins in regards to Christmas gifts for himself. Some parents suggested I not make a big deal out of it, since they were going to be his gifts on Christmas anyway. That doesn't work in my house. Stealing is wrong and gifts don't belong to you until they're given. He faced consequences. He is not perfect. I am not perfect. But he now knows that behavior is inexcusable. Does that mean he'll be perfect from here on out? No. In relation to this topic, does my son throw fits out of anger or frustration sometimes? Yes. But he always gets a consequence and, as a result, he's more likely to bite his tongue or look at the situation from another point of view. He's 11. Sometimes he slips up, that doesn't make disrespect excusable. And he certainly doesn't have the right to treat my husband, the sole provider of all he has, like an equal by crying about fairness. My husband gets to have whatever he wants. He paid for it.

[OnTheBrink]

I think my son was around 10-11 when he reverted back to toddler-hood and tantrums surfaced. I think it was part hormones, but that's not an excuse for bad behavior. My hormones rage from time to time, too, but if I started banging people's furniture or kicking walls, I'd be hauled off to the locked 5th floor of the hospital. It's just not a legit excuse to lose control. My son's tantrums assured that he'd most absolutely NOT get whatever it is he felt he needed and if he didn't get it together fast, he'd lose more than just what he was pitching a fit over. I just do not accept tantrums in anyone over 2. OP, if this continues, I'd have him see his ped for a physical, just to make sure there's nothing wrong. If he gets a clean bill of health and you're sure nothing else is going on with him, I'd swoop down on those fits hard and fast. That needs to stop.

 

As for snacks in my home, I'm the mom. I have the job. I make the money and pay the bills. You better bet I'm having a snack when I feel like it, and if that's after dd goes to bed, so be it. There are times when she's at her dad's that I'll order a pizza or go to Chipotle or something and she gets all indignant over it. I tell her that I'm allowed to have a treat and I'm not required to share it with her, or cease to enjoy life simply because she's not home. Neither of my kids have ever been without food, clothing, shelter, education, or pleasures in life. I sacrifice a lot for them and d@mn if I'm going to be made to feel bad for not ensuring every little thing I get or have is equally dispersed to them, as well.

[gardenmom5]

Koerarmoca, on 30 March 2013 - 03:00 PM, said:

 

I'm suddenly VERY experienced with tantrums. We are currently a 4 parent, 11 child household (well 8 full time kids, 3 are weekenders only) my 7 year old nephew has more tantrums a day then I can count. (He is on medication and diagnosed bipolar/ ADHD) either way his parents who are rarely home pretty much give in every.single.time. Me, I'm no push-over while they give in to end the tantrums I hold my ground even if that means he is going to throw things, hit me, scream for 45 minutes. I actually dread when his parents are home because I can't intervene. It is a real disservice to him to let him get away with murder. 99% of the time you just can't give in.

 

I am wondering though if there is some thing causing sudden tantrums of this magnitude at his age.

 

I guess? But the child has a mental health problem. If your method of letting him scream for 45 minutes is working, as you say, could it not be that he just kinda gets exhausted rather than something magical you are doing?

 

Just saying, I don't particularly blame his parents for not holding out for long periods of time on a regular basis.

 

I have a child who is an aspie. aspie's are quite capable of throwing tantrums. It's NOT because they "like it" or think it is getting them what they want. his brain chemistry was totally out of whack and was overloaded. now, he is chemically balanced, and tantrums/fits are very rare and usually when he is very tired, hungry, and just pushed past his frustration limit. If a child who has been diagnosed bipolar (how accurate at this age?) is on meds (which need to be changed frequently because they stop working) is out of control - my first thought is get a med check. letting a brain chemistry unbalanced child tantrum is not doing him a favor - it's teaching him that when he doesn't feel well, the adult in his life doesn't give a hoot. start watching for triggers for the tantrum, and help him learn to recognize the triggers and then defuse the situation before it ever gets that far. (whether that be food for blood sugar regulation, or a time out to decompress - or even earplugs to block auditory stimulation) that's what responsible and loving adults do for a child in their care.

[gardenmom5]

incidentally, learning what triggers the meltdown and how to deal with it *before* it does a china syndrome impression - will make your life much more pleasant. It will also make for a much happier and functional child.

[SKL]

Yeah, I guess I don't believe mental illnesses or other chemical imbalances are a result of bad parenting. Sometimes parents learn to react because of the child with the imbalance. So that they let a lot go is a legitimate and appropriate coping mechanism IMO.

 

That is true, but this doesn't mean that a child with a diagnosis is better off with no discipline. It doesn't mean the parents are automatically good parents because they can blame a diagnosis for everything. Every 7-year-old is going to act foolishly at times and every 7-year-old needs guidance and discipline. Yes, it is probably going to look different for a child with a mental illness, but it needs to be done some way.