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Son's comment really upset me tonight


Mango
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DS was really angry (as in banging on the furniture mad) that DH was making a pizza for his snack after they went to bed.

 

In fact, DS says that he doesn't feel we should have any snacks in the evening after they're in bed. It's not fair.

 

Yup, my blood pressure it up. THIS after a day of trying to get everyone to get some work done. THIS after making a dinner that they all can eat, but diabetic me can't, because they asked. THIS after I have to cajole them to pick up their bedrooms. THIS after I have to supervise their chores and make them go back to do it right.

 

Oh yeah, that day off tomorrow you requested....

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I do kind of get the kid's POV over this. I have caught myself even saying stuff like, "it's too late for a snack" yet I snack late all the time! My kids would definitely be jealous if I made pizza for after they went to bed. Not that it's not my right to do so, but yeah I get their POV too. As a kid my parents sent us to bed extremely early and often had treats. We lived in a very small apartment and we always of course knew. I hated that as a kid. I avoid doing stuff like that.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm sure the kid was wondering why his dad waited until after he went to bed to make the pizza.

 

I would have wanted pizza, too. :)

 

That said, I can understand the OP's frustration. It was probably a situation where it was the end of the day, and everyone was tired and frazzled, so the slightest thing could have set anyone off.

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Mango I am sure he didn't mean to sound like an entitled brat, kids have no clue of how they come off at times. I can understand his frustration though. THis wasn't dad making a sandwich, or popcorn, or something else for a snack. It was pizza. A coveted treat for most kids. And for dad to make one after kids were in bed meant dad had no plans to share said pizza and well kids aren't the best at knowning with self preservation is called for kwim.

 

I will say that after the kids were in bed when I was at my folks last week I ordered pizza delivery. I have not had pizza delivery in 3 years and that thread recently about it made me crave it (yes I tipped this time lol). Anyway, I know if my kids were still awake they would have been very put out I had done that. They know I snack in the evening, they don't usually care. Last night's bruschetta had no effect on them. But if they knew there was going to be pizza in the house and only for my belly well yeah they would have pitched a fit too.

 

If child brings it up again speak to him about rudeness and entitlement. If not then let it go based on childishness. In future is dh has a craving for pizza perhaps wait until the kids are actually asleep and not merely in bed.

 

I mean if kid made a snack like pizza and didn't share with the rest of the family would you be okay with that? likely not. So in the eyes of a kid, fair is fair, and he is not feeling the fairness of the situation. Even though your dh has every right in the world to make himself a snack with the food he bought, to a kid he is not being fair. And for most kids, their perception of what is fair rules a great deal of what they say/do.

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We've dealt w/similar, esp when I'm pregnant. First, I have to be GF, which severely impacts what I eat, vs what they can. 2nd, instead of being able to sip a drink w/dh, we'll share a special dessert as our 'grown up' treat. So, yeah, there ARE things in the house that aren't shared w/the kids. Period. And it's pointed out that they can have x,y,z, but I can't.

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I had a discussion with dd6 a couple of weeks ago over something similar to this. We have had issues with her waking in a timely manner (after 10am) and being cranky and unproductive during the day if I woke her earlier. It is understandable that dd6 (as a 6yo) would question why I was being tougher on getting her to bed by a certain time.

 

I finally told her, "I don't really care if you stay up. I also really don't care if watch more tv tonight. But you DO need to be awake by a reasonable hour in the morning, and you DO need to be able to get the things done during the day that you need to get done, and you DO need to be pleasant. That doesn't happen when you stay up too late."

 

For us the issue was not bedtime, or snack, or tv. The issue was, "Are you getting done what you need to during the day?" and "Are you being 'not cranky'?" I suspect that if OP Mango's kids were able to be productive (schoolwise and chorewise) with a good attitude in spite of staying up late, she would not have cared.

 

Disclaimer: There is also the issue that adults in the household need time to be together alone as adults: for intimacy, for relaxation, and to discuss the children needs and triumphs.

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I would have replied with something along the lines of "When you are grown up, you can stay up late and have pizza, for now you are a kid, you have been fed, and it's past your bedtime." There are different rules for kids and adults. It doesn't hurt them to learn that.

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Whenever this comes up at our house, I am very quick to point out that yes, grownups get to enjoy doing some things that kids don't - for example, we can get up and make ourselves ice-cream sundaes at 2 am if we want to, and kids are definitely not allowed this freedom. But grownups also have to do a lot of things we don't want to do, and that kids don't have to do, every single day...... -ie, go to work even when we don't feel like it, get up early even if we don't feel good, clean toilets, pick up dog poop, make other people dinner even when we are not hungry ourselves and don't enjoy cooking, pay bills when we would rather keep our money, etc. The things we get to do are usually far outweighed by the things we have to do. Our kids' lives are still very much more on the "get to" side than the "have to" side of the scale. (I can draw up a quick list if they are in doubt.) So no whining, unless they would like to experience a week with far more "have to" than "get to" and see what that is like.

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my dh is a late night snacker..and my kids graze throughout the day. i get the kiddos point of view in this case..my kids will be annoyed if their daddy finishes off the cake/ice cream, whatever the coveted snack is for the moment...they've usually already had their fair portion though, and truthfully they wouldn't give it a second thought if they ate something and daddy didn't get any..in cases of their annoyance, or in a situation like the OP's..I would remind my kids that daddy works really hard to make it to where we can have a good home and snacks, and remind them of things that they get to enjoy that daddy doesn't..and remind them that daddy deserves a treat every now and again too.

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DS was really angry (as in banging on the furniture mad) that DH was making a pizza for his snack after they went to bed.

 

In fact, DS says that he doesn't feel we should have any snacks in the evening after they're in bed. It's not fair.

 

 

So I guess your DS would be really, really angry with me when I crack open a pint of Ben & Jerry's after he goes to bed!

 

Seriously, I agree it's a total "kid thing" to think and say. I would be annoyed but explain that when he gets old enough, he can have late night snacks too. Until then, be thankful of what he has and go back to bed.

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I don't let my kids throw tantrums and bang on the furniture, and I teach them that Daddy does what Daddy wants because Daddy is an adult. They've been fed, watered, educated, socialized, exercised, and entertained sufficiently for the day and they'd better get into bed before I notice that the bathroom needs scrubbing.

 

I don't know how people who live 24/7 with their kids are able to survive under any other system. (Not counting teens whom I allow to fend for themselves as long as they can do so undetected past the official bedtime.)

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It's funny you mention this. My kids' bedroom is right next to the kitchen and they like the door ajar when they go to sleep, so I usually don't grab a snack at that time because I know how they will feel about it. And I'm usually glad that having kids forces me to be a bit better about snacking etc. However, yesterday I was working like a fiend and I skipped all three meals, mostly surviving on coffee. So as I tucked the girls in, I said, "I know you're going to hear me go into the kitchen and get something to eat. I'm doing this because I haven't had a meal all day and I deserve to eat. You had enough nutrition today. So don't get an attitude about me having something to eat that you aren't getting." I know kids are too entitled sometimes, but that really is the nature of being a kid. I was the same at that age. They will grow out of it. ... I would also note: reading your post, the first thing I thought was, "sounds like a child who is coming down with something." From your post, I get the impression this does not happen all the time, which is good.

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I was recently thinking about a similar topic. When I was a kid, my mom used to have goodies that were "hers." Woe to anyone who got caught sneaking it. I used to think she was selfish/mean. Now I'm a mom of two, and I think how amazing it is that she raised 6 kids without killing any of us, LOL. If chocolate is what it takes, get Mom some more chocolate! And also, it's only for a season. Now I can eat whatever/whenever I want, but my mom's health is such that she cannot. I know that someday my kids will figure all of this out and get over the little injustices that come with being a child.

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I would have replied with something along the lines of "When you are grown up, you can stay up late and have pizza, for now you are a kid, you have been fed, and it's past your bedtime." There are different rules for kids and adults. It doesn't hurt them to learn that.

 

 

Agreed. He behaved poorly and was not entitled to a snack. I do understand what it is like to have kids behave like that, and understand a bit, I think, how you may have felt.

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Ah, I remember those days when my kids where young! And I remember the cries of "that's not fair!" Used to make me crazy.

 

Until I decided to make a family "game" out of it (hehehe)

 

Anytime someone said "that's not fair" I would loudly announce it was time to play the "That's Not Fair!" game. We would all then state what we had each done for the family that day. One child might say "I picked up the toys" or "I fed the dogs" BUT.......

 

.....when it came to my turn to say what I had done for the family I ALWAYS WON! I am the mother, after all, and the mother always does the most by default. The rule was whoever won the "That's Not Fair" game was then allowed to relax for the rest of the day and have everyone else wait on them. I mean, that seems the most fair, right? :laugh:

 

My kids learned reeeeal quick not to say "that's not fair" because they knew they had not even come close to doing for others what I had done! And this game was the perfect way to highlight that.

 

You gotta outsmart the little buggers!

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Cannot imagine any of my kids doing or saying such a thing to any adult at any age beyond about 3yo.

Pretty much all the wonderful things my kids have in life were given from my hand, or that of dh. If they didn't appreciate the good things I gave them, but instead complained about what an adult had that they didn't have, I'd feel it was a character flaw that I needed to help them overcome. Quickly.

They are no more entitled to have everything I do than they are responsible for providing for the family.

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"When you pay the mortgage, you can eat whatever you wish." Having said that, it would not even enter my head to start making a pizza when it was time for the kids to scuff off to bed. If I'm planning to eat something that I don't want to share, I don't make it known to them. As pooh bear would say, "It doesn't seem like a very friendly thing to do." I don't know. "Yum. We're making pizza. Too bad you don't get any." Seems mean-spirited to me.

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Ah, I remember those days when my kids where young! And I remember the cries of "that's not fair!" Used to make me crazy.

 

Until I decided to make a family "game" out of it (hehehe)

 

Anytime someone said "that's not fair" I would loudly announce it was time to play the "That's Not Fair!" game. We would all then state what we had each done for the family that day. One child might say "I picked up the toys" or "I fed the dogs" BUT.......

 

.....when it came to my turn to say what I had done for the family I ALWAYS WON! I am the mother, after all, and the mother always does the most by default. The rule was whoever won the "That's Not Fair" game was then allowed to relax for the rest of the day and have everyone else wait on them. I mean, that seems the most fair, right? :laugh:

 

My kids learned reeeeal quick not to say "that's not fair" because they knew they had not even come close to doing for others what I had done! And this game was the perfect way to highlight that.

 

You gotta outsmart the little buggers!

 

I LOVE this. You are brilliant! I think I will steal this!

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My thinking is a little different. I wouldn't outright deny a snack or explain why I'm entitled to a snack, but I would ask if the child is still hungry even after eating his dinner. If so, the child may have a snack (from a small list you present) he or she is willing to retrieve. Offer things like fruit and veggies, maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if you're feeling generous (and if the child is capable of putting it together, the point is not to make more work for yourself).

 

If the child is in fact hungry then he will be happy to eat an apple. If not, then he would have no reason to complain that the adults are snacking and he's not, as he's clearly not hungry.

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I would have replied with something along the lines of "When you are grown up, you can stay up late and have pizza, for now you are a kid, you have been fed, and it's past your bedtime." There are different rules for kids and adults. It doesn't hurt them to learn that.

 

I don't let my kids throw tantrums and bang on the furniture, and I teach them that Daddy does what Daddy wants because Daddy is an adult. They've been fed, watered, educated, socialized, exercised, and entertained sufficiently for the day and they'd better get into bed before I notice that the bathroom needs scrubbing.

 

I don't know how people who live 24/7 with their kids are able to survive under any other system. (Not counting teens whom I allow to fend for themselves as long as they can do so undetected past the official bedtime.)

 

 

:iagree:

 

I would also add to my child that having a temper tantrum and banging on the furniture is the absolute SUREST way to NOT get whatever it is that he wants. In fact, it's the fastest way to a grounding in my house. Now you have 2 seconds to straighten up, apologize for your poor behavior, and get your fanny back up to bed.

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I would also add to my child that having a temper tantrum and banging on the furniture is the absolute SUREST way to NOT get whatever it is that he wants.

 

I'm guessing the kid knows that, but just wants to make sure the mean old pizza-eater doesn't get too much enjoyment out of his pizza. ;)

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We have had similar from ds. I handled it this way:

 

I calmly remind him of the times that we have had pizza for lunch while daddy was working and how, as dc, they get to ride bike/play skylanders/ watch a movie etc while I'm doing dishes or daddy is mowing the grass etc. Adults have different schedules and that our family is fair because everybody gets their needs met. Fair does not mean that everybody is doing or getting the same thing at the same time. If it does, then they will have to give up any play while the adults are working in the interest of fairness. Or we could carry on as we normally do. Ds is quick to agree that we are pretty fair after all. :001_smile:

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My thinking is a little different. I wouldn't outright deny a snack or explain why I'm entitled to a snack, but I would ask if the child is still hungry even after eating his dinner. If so, the child may have a snack (from a small list you present) he or she is willing to retrieve. Offer things like fruit and veggies, maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if you're feeling generous (and if the child is capable of putting it together, the point is not to make more work for yourself).

 

If the child is in fact hungry then he will be happy to eat an apple. If not, then he would have no reason to complain that the adults are snacking and he's not, as he's clearly not hungry.

 

 

When I'm hungry, I'm not happy to eat an apple if someone else is having pizza.

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Dh and I always have a snack after the kids go to bed. It's almost always chocolate (at least for me). I'm sure they know, but we certainly don't "flaunt" it. Now that my older daughter stays up later than the boys, I often let her have some chocolate, too. She doesn't get to sit out with dh and I and watch us eat though, she still is required to be in her room reading, crafting, listening to music, whatever, while dh and I have our time.

 

I was 11 years younger than my 2 older siblings. They would regularly stay up late with their boyfriends and my parents after I was in bed. I would hear them laughing, playing games, watching movies, eating. I was SO JEALOUS. But that certainly wasn't anywhere near the most traumatic part of my childhood, and I totally get it now- kids are kids, adults are adults. If my kids complain about privileges my dh and I have that they don't, I am quick to point out all of the responsibilities that also come with being an adult. It will come soon enough for them too. :)

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This post is reminding me of the time my then-5yo dd complained, "I have to do all the work around here." What triggered this lament was that I asked her to pick up something she had left on the floor. LOL. It totally isn't fair!

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Ah, I remember those days when my kids where young! And I remember the cries of "that's not fair!" Used to make me crazy.

 

Until I decided to make a family "game" out of it (hehehe)

 

Anytime someone said "that's not fair" I would loudly announce it was time to play the "That's Not Fair!" game. We would all then state what we had each done for the family that day. One child might say "I picked up the toys" or "I fed the dogs" BUT.......

 

.....when it came to my turn to say what I had done for the family I ALWAYS WON! I am the mother, after all, and the mother always does the most by default. The rule was whoever won the "That's Not Fair" game was then allowed to relax for the rest of the day and have everyone else wait on them. I mean, that seems the most fair, right? :laugh:

 

My kids learned reeeeal quick not to say "that's not fair" because they knew they had not even come close to doing for others what I had done! And this game was the perfect way to highlight that.

 

You gotta outsmart the little buggers!

 

 

This would definitely be on the list of things that drive my kids' batty! Should try it!

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I can't imagine having such perfect kids and such perfect parenting skills.

Perfect, well...lol about that one! :lol:

 

Not even close! But still, NO ONE would get between me & my chocolate, or between my dh and whatever food he decided to put in his mouth. It's not perfect parenting, it's not perfect kids, it's common courtesy, and yes, it needs to be taught. Most kids don't come by it naturally, but tantrums over such a thing would indeed push me over the edge. ;)

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Perfect, well...lol about that one! :lol:

 

Not even close! But still, NO ONE would get between me & my chocolate, or between my dh and whatever food he decided to put in his mouth. It's not perfect parenting, it's not perfect kids, it's common courtesy, and yes, it needs to be taught. Most kids don't come by it naturally, but tantrums over such a thing would indeed push me over the edge. ;)

To be fair, I don't do tantrums either, unless someone has a medical excuse. My kids would never tantrum over my exclusive snacking, but I might hear a little voice saying "what? that's not fair." I would have no trouble responding, "you're right, now go back to bed," and my kid would do so, and get over herself. But having said that, I don't like to do unnecessary things that I know will provoke bad feelings.

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It is frustrating to deal with that ingratitude. At the same time, I well remember being absolutely crushed to discover my parent grilling steak after I was in bed. It wasn't just the food. My feeling were Hurt to be left out. I discovered that my parents had a secret life apart from me!

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My sil's favorite comment to her kids when they whine about wanting some of her food - "How does it feel to want??" LOL

 

 

My dh says "you'll get nothing and like it!" (he got that from his uncle, and it's always said mostly in jest ;) )

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It is frustrating to deal with that ingratitude. At the same time, I well remember being absolutely crushed to discover my parent grilling steak after I was in bed. It wasn't just the food. My feeling were Hirt to be left out. I discovered that my parents had a secret life apart from me!

 

 

I don’t know how old the OP’s son is but I think that even my oldest (age 9) just recently realized that we watch movies sometimes after they go to bed. He’s old enough that he wouldn’t say it’s not fair but I could see in his face that he was a little stunned to realize that we aren’t actually asleep or doing some kind of boring work.

 

Twice recently my middle son has caught me sneaking a spoonful of ice cream out of a new favorite flavor (salted caramel). He laughed at me and ratted me out to the others. :)

 

I think it’s really normal for kids to think things aren’t fair. It’s also really normal for them to have tantrums (depending on the age). Maybe not acceptable but it is normal.

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Perfect, well...lol about that one! :lol:

 

Not even close! But still, NO ONE would get between me & my chocolate, or between my dh and whatever food he decided to put in his mouth. It's not perfect parenting, it's not perfect kids, it's common courtesy, and yes, it needs to be taught. Most kids don't come by it naturally, but tantrums over such a thing would indeed push me over the edge. ;)

 

 

 

But how is the OP's husband teaching their ds common courtesy, when he's refusing to share his pizza with the kid?

 

Common courtesy goes both ways. You can't teach it if you don't model the behavior yourself.

 

(And I don't know how I feel about the tantrum, because I don't know how old her ds is -- and I don't know exactly what transpired to cause it.)

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But how is the OP's husband teaching their ds common courtesy, when he's refusing to share his pizza with his ds?

 

Common courtesy goes both ways.

 

(And I don't know how I feel about the tantrum, because I don't know how old her ds is -- and I don't know exactly what transpired to cause it.)

 

 

Well, to be fair, she didn't really say in the original post what she or her DH actually DID - was it elaborated on further and I missed it?

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