opinions on a "no gift" birthday party

[HappyLady]

My DD is turning 5 soon. We're having our usual family party where she'll get tons of gifts. My DD said she wanted to have a party with her friends as well. I can't combine friends and family into one party for various reasons so I figured I'd have a separate little friend birthday party for her. I don't want her friends to bring gifts, though. First of all, my DD has too much stuff as it is, especially with Christmas having been so recently. Second, I don't want people to not come because they can't afford a gift. I just want her friends to come over, have some cupcakes and ice cream, sing Happy Birthday, and play and have fun.

 

Would that be wrong of me? Do you think people would feel too awkward not bringing a gift? Do you think people would not come because they'd feel awkward not bringing a gift? I think my DD would be ok with not getting gifts, but is it wrong to deny a 5 year old that part of her party?

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

[kewb]

I don't see anything wrong with an invitaton that has on it that your presence is present enough. Be aware that there are people who will still bring a gift because they want to.

 

Or perhaps you can do a book exchange. Everyone brings a wrapped book and everyone goes home with a different one.

 

Or you could collect gifts for a shelter.

[Staceyshoe]

If the invitation clearly states "no gifts please," then it wouldn't be awkward at all for people to not bring gifts. We have attended "no gift" parties and have had "no gift" birthday parties. It's my preference because it puts the emphasis on celebrating the child rather than what loot they got.

[Ellie]

There is no polite way to tell people not to bring gifts. It's a birthday party. For a 5yo. People will want to bring gifts, and you must allow them to do so.

 

What you can avoid is including any kind of wish list or registry (which it doesn't sound as if you'd be doing anyway). If people ask you want your dd wants, you can say something like "Oh, gosh, we're just happy if you can make it and enjoy the day with us."

[BrookValley.]

I don't see anything wrong with an invitaton that has on it that your presence is present enough. Be aware that there are people who will still bring a gift because they want to.

 

Or perhaps you can do a book exchange. Everyone brings a wrapped book and everyone goes home with a different one.

 

Or you could collect gifts for a shelter.

 

I like these ideas. While I totally agree with all your reasons for wanting to ask for a no-present party, I also get where it might be awkward for some. But I think all of the above suggestions avoid the awkward part (and should hopefully cut down on the number of gifts). Just be prepared for some to bring whatever gifts they want, too.

[fairfarmhand]

I like the book exchange thing.

 

another thing that I have done is just invite a passel of people over and when they are there serve cupcakes and sing happy birthday to the birthday kid. I get "Oh, why didn't you tell us?" I respond " Oh, she just wanted to hang out with friends, real low key thing. Didn't want anyone to feel like they had to bring presents. She's just tickled pink to spend the afternoon with the other kids. No big deal."

[catz]

Personally, I have no problem with no gift parties. I've had them and get invited to them regularly. I have had a couple people bring a gift and I just thank them quietly and set it aside until after. When we do get invited to no gift parties, I usually have the kids make over the top homemade cards.

[Saraswati]

I like the idea of a book exchange, too. Or maybe request that guests bring a gift for charity? Then your daughter can bring them to the local shelter, or children's hospital. She may enjoy the opportunity to give instead of receive.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it works better when you ask people to bring a gift or book for the local children's home or hospital.

[texasmama]

The book exchange is a great idea. I would not have an issue with this if the child were older. She is five. It would personally pain me not to bring a gift to a five year old. I would attend, but it would pain me. I would be sorely tempted to bring a card with $5 in it, just because she is so young. However, I think I wouldn't feel badly about attending a party with a book exchange. I don't know why. It just feels different.

[LMA]

Etiquette says you cannot put no gifts on an invitation for a birthday party. When you start saying no gifts or it turning out that some bring gifts and some didn't, things get muddled and awkward. Etiquette is used to keep the expectations clear in social situations and to keep guests from feeling awkward. Otherwise, you run into one situation where something is tacky but another situation where something is not tacky. Etiquette keeps it clear what is "tacky."

 

One alternate option is to just say you are having a party and don't mention the birthday.

[PrairieSong]

A couple of times my kids have been invited to a party where found after we got there that it was a birthday party. I felt very awkward. My dd invited a houseful of teens for her sixteenth birthday, but she herself told them "no gifts". Two or three friends brought gifts anyway, which she whisked away to her room so others would not feel bad. But some did see and that was awkward. So, I would not have a birthday party with no gifts requested. However, if someone asked, I might suggest a small gift.

[JessReplanted]

We've gone to a 'no gift' birthday party before, and we didn't bring a gift. Other people brought gifts though, and the birthday children opened those gifts in front of everyone. While this was happening, my kids shouted to me, "Mom, why didn't we bring a present?" :banghead:

 

Honestly, just don't do it. It's awkward, uncomfortable, and not everyone is going to follow your directions.

[LostSurprise]

We've had no gift parties. It can be awkward if someone brings a gift. I've also noticed that the younger the child, the more people bring gifts despite your request. Its hard for adults to not buy a small child a gift on a birthday. They imagine its the parents who don't want the gifts (usually true) and that the child will be sad without them.

 

Another option is that you can ask them to bring donations for the Humane Society. Little cans of dog or cat food, small treats or toys may not add up to much money but it might give your daughter a lot of pleasure to help the animals.

[NancyNellen]

We always request no gifts when we do birthday parties for the children. We simply say, "No gifts, please. The gift of your presence is all we desire." It has never been an issue. Every now and then someone will bring a gift, but usually not. The exciting part for my kids is having all their friends over with fun food and games. None of them has ever said that they missed getting gifts. Ever.

 

I have never been offended at being invited to a "no gifts" party, either, and frankly don't even understand what kind of thinking could make someone be offended by it. Maybe it's because my children have always been so happy with their giftless parties. It's never been about the gifts in our family...always about the friends and fun.

[AHASRADA]

I personally love the idea of asking for donations. I have attended a party where the birthday girl wanted donations to the Humane Society. She had gotten a list of items they sorely needed and included the list in the invite, so we knew exactly what types of items to bring.

 

For such a small child though, who likely isn't making this selfless choice of her own altruistic heart, I just wouldn't mention anything about preferring no gifts, and just donate any gifts you deem "extra" to your local children's hospital, women's shelter, etc.

[Ellie]

We've gone to a 'no gift' birthday party before, and we didn't bring a gift. Other people brought gifts though, and the birthday children opened those gifts in front of everyone. While this was happening, my kids shouted to me, "Mom, why didn't we bring a present?" :banghead:

 

Honestly, just don't do it. It's awkward, uncomfortable, and not everyone is going to follow your directions.

 

 

Exactly.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

We were invited to a party that said if you didn't bring a gift, you didn't eat. We didn't go. I would love a no gift party.

[prairiewindmomma]

We've done the book exchange thing and it worked really well.

[tammyw]

I brought this topic up a couple of years ago and got the same responses. We ended up not having the party, lol!

 

We live in a society of "too much stuff". I find it sad that we can't say "all we want is you". I'm not sure I understand why anyone would be offended if someone invited them to a party and politely said no gifts?

[tammyw]

We were invited to a party that said if you didn't bring a gift, you didn't eat. We didn't go. I would love a no gift party.

 

Seriously? Wow! I think you're hanging out with the wrong friends, lol!

[Tutor]

Call me crazy, but this would actually be more disturbing to me because I would know it was the parent's wish, not the child's.

 

When my daughter turned 6, she asked if it was ok to ask people to bring coats for a local shelter that was collecting them instead of toys for herself (we had seen a news story on the coat collection the night before). She was over the moon when she dropped those donated coats off at the shelter! Some kids are just generous that way.

 

Since then, we've held gift and no gift parties (it's up to the particular child). On the no-gift party invites, I usually include something like "[child's name] requests toys for Toys For Tots/ blankets for Operation Linus/ items for Christmas shoebox packages for his/ her birthday. If you have any questions, please call." Their friends know them and know this is in character for my kids to ask and have been very generous in their giving.

[NorthwestMom]

My DD is turning 5 soon. We're having our usual family party where she'll get tons of gifts. My DD said she wanted to have a party with her friends as well. I can't combine friends and family into one party for various reasons so I figured I'd have a separate little friend birthday party for her. I don't want her friends to bring gifts, though. First of all, my DD has too much stuff as it is, especially with Christmas having been so recently. Second, I don't want people to not come because they can't afford a gift. I just want her friends to come over, have some cupcakes and ice cream, sing Happy Birthday, and play and have fun.

 

Would that be wrong of me? Do you think people would feel too awkward not bringing a gift? Do you think people would not come because they'd feel awkward not bringing a gift? I think my DD would be ok with not getting gifts, but is it wrong to deny a 5 year old that part of her party?

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

 

 

I don't think it would be wrong, however, if it is you instead of your DD taking the lead on this, it might not work. We went to a no-gift party where the birthday child had a breakdown because there weren't any gifts and he didn't really understand what it meant until guests arrived empty-handed. He had agreed to it when his mom first planned it, but didn't REALLY get it. It was sad and my kids were sad too. He was about the same age as your DD. In the OP, I see you are interested in this but nothing says your DD is interested in this. Be careful. Good luck.

[Alice]

From the other perspective, I don’t like no-gift parties because I want to teach my kids to give. They love shopping and buying presents for friends. It’s one of the few opportunities for them to give. And yes, they can give to charity or could bring something if we were asked to bring a donation but it wouldn’t feel the same to them as selecting the thing they know their friend will love.

 

I hear you pain. We have way too much stuff and my kids have way too many toys. I’ve been tempted to say no gifts in the past also. But I think it’s better to just not mention gifts and then teach them to be gracious and thankful for the gifts they do get.

 

ETA: I’d still come if you said no-gifts but I’d be betting someone else would break the rules and then I’d be wondering if I should also. We’ve been invited to no-gift parties where we were the only ones who followed the wishes and boy, that’s awkward. I might bring a gift and leave it the car just in case. :) But I think it’s easier on your guests if you just don’t say anything on the invitation and let them bring a gift if they want.

[Catwoman]

 

Would that be wrong of me? Do you think people would feel too awkward not bringing a gift? Do you think people would not come because they'd feel awkward not bringing a gift? I think my DD would be ok with not getting gifts, but is it wrong to deny a 5 year old that part of her party?

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

 

I can't imagine a 5 year old having a birthday party and not getting gifts from her friends. :(

 

This is about your 5yo having a great time at a wonderful party with her friends... and part of that wonderful party is getting presents.

 

Personally, I always think it's horribly tacky when parents ask people not to bring gifts for their children. It seems sort of mean to deprive a kid of some fun presents just because the parents think the kid already has plenty of stuff. Birthday parties can only happen once a year, and if you're going to have one, let your kid have the gifts -- particularly in this instance, when each kid will bring one gift. Unless you're planning to invite your dd's 300 closest friends to the party, we're not really talking about that much stuff, anyway.

 

Also, if you adopt a "no gift" policy, chances are that the vast majority of the other parties your dd attends will still include gifts from all of the attendees, so how will you explain to your dd why all of the other kids got presents and she got nothing (or just got books that she had to donate to the local hospital or whatever?) And how will your dd feel about having to choose and give fun gifts to the other kids when she received none?

 

Additionally, if you have a "no gift" party, you may find that some of the other moms won't feel comfortable inviting your dd to their kids' parties, because they want gifts and might feel weird about expecting you to bring one when they didn't give anything to your dd.

[Ellie]

We were invited to a party that said if you didn't bring a gift, you didn't eat. We didn't go. I would love a no gift party.

 

 

:blink:

 

I wouldn't have gone, either. How rude!!!

[tammyw]

Here's what I don't get - why must we always be judging each other? Who cares if one kid doesn't want presents? Why must that parent be tacky? It's hard enough being a good mom, without having to worry about what people think of us by the way we throw a birthday party.

[NancyNellen]

I brought this topic up a couple of years ago and got the same responses. We ended up not having the party, lol!

 

We live in a society of "too much stuff". I find it sad that we can't say "all we want is you". I'm not sure I understand why anyone would be offended if someone invited them to a party and politely said no gifts?

 

I am in complete agreement with you on this. I find the responses in this thread baffling! I must live in a weird parallel universe since no-gift parties are normal and completely acceptable in my large circle of friends (both here and in CT when we lived there!!) When my kids get invited to one, they thoughtfully give the gift of their time in making a fun homemade card and maybe including a fun picture of my daughter or son with the celebrant.

 

I guess I am glad that I live in a place where my family can invite people to a party, pay for all of the food and fun, and not offend anyone by requesting that they not go out and spend money on presents that we don't want or need :-)

[Freckles]

I would love for my kids to get invitations for "no gift" parties. Presents are typically not in the budget. If one is required, I won't spend more than 10 dollars, so my kid feels bad compared to the others. I do encourage the girls to draw a really nice card because I won't buy those either.

[JFSinIL]

Could you ask for the gift to be 1. a topping to decorate cupcakes (let the kids decorate their own plain iced cupcakes before eating. They'd love that!) and 2. a small toy or book to be donated to the local shelter. That way they can still bring something, and not feel empty-handed.

[Murphy101]

Here is the deal.

 

I would never ask or expect a gift. Just the company is fine.

 

However, it is not their problem that she already has a ton of stuff. If they feel so inclined to give a gift of any kind, then it is rude to refuse or tell them what to bring.

 

If she has too much stuff, get rid of it via trash and donations. You don't have to keep anything, but the only response to a gift should be "thank you" and the only request on an invitation should be "you are invited".

 

If they ask what to buy, you can say nothing. But otherwise, gifts shouldn't be mentioned.

 

Obviously jmo. This is a major reason why I almost never do birthday parties.

[Runningmom80]

I throw no gift parties and prefer no gift parties. For my twin's second birthday we had people bring books and blankets for project night night. People loved it!

[sthompson]

I write "no presents please" on my invitations. I have had people say "are you sure?", "so-n-so really wants to buy X". I have also had people thank me for doing it that way. I don't want my kids to expect presents just because there is a party. You should do what you think is best and I recommend having a conversation with your child if you decide no presents. My kids were looking forward to fun with their friends. That's how it should be.

 

Stephanie

[Mango]

Or you could ask for donations to a local food pantry or pet shelter in lieu of gifts

[Catwoman]

Here's what I don't get - why must we always be judging each other? Who cares if one kid doesn't want presents? Why must that parent be tacky? It's hard enough being a good mom, without having to worry about what people think of us by the way we throw a birthday party.

 

The OP never said that her dd didn't want presents.

 

My issue with this is when the parent decides that their child shouldn't receive gifts at her birthday party, no matter what the kid would prefer. Seriously, how many 5 year-olds wouldn't want gifts at their birthday party? :confused:

 

So yes, I'm judging. I think it's kind of mean to intentionally deprive your child of gifts at their birthday party, when it is very likely that the birthday child at pretty much every other birthday party your kid will attend, will have a bunch of fun presents to open. I think if you are having a birthday party for your kid, you shouldn't mention anything about the gifts and let people bring whatever they want to bring.

 

If the child really and truly has no interest in receiving gifts, that's one thing, but I also think it would be incredibly rare for a 5yo kid to not want to get presents at his or her birthday party.

[Mergath]

We were invited to a party that said if you didn't bring a gift, you didn't eat. We didn't go. I would love a no gift party.

 

:blink: I bet it ended up being a very small party. Jeez.

[Mergath]

It seems like kind of a lose-lose situation. If you ask for no presents, it's awkward; if you say nothing, you end up swamped with more stuff you don't need.

 

Do you have to tell them it's a birthday party? The invites could say something like, "Join us to celebrate Ben Franklin Day!" or whatever, and then when they get there say, "Oh, did I forget to mention that today is also dd's birthday? That was silly of me. Cake?" :D

[Heather in Neverland]

I think it works better when you ask people to bring a gift or book for the local children's home or hospital.

 

I totally agree. A book party is a great idea. You can never have too many books!!!

[catz]

The OP never said that her dd didn't want presents.

 

My issue with this is when the parent decides that their child shouldn't receive gifts at her birthday party, no matter what the kid would prefer. Seriously, how many 5 year-olds wouldn't want gifts at their birthday party? :confused:

 

So yes, I'm judging. I think it's kind of mean to intentionally deprive your child of gifts at their birthday party, when it is very likely that the birthday child at pretty much every other birthday party your kid will attend, will have a bunch of fun presents to open. I think if you are having a birthday party for your kid, you shouldn't mention anything about the gifts and let people bring whatever they want to bring.

 

If the child really and truly has no interest in receiving gifts, that's one thing, but I also think it would be incredibly rare for a 5yo kid to not want to get presents at his or her birthday party.

 

I think if a child reacted to no gifts at the party and didn't enjoy it, I'd probably think the parent didn't prep their child well for the event. My kids don't naturally associate birthday party = a pile of gifts, so to them, it is absolutely no big deal. I think it's a HUGE mistake to assume that a kid that has a no gift party is somehow being deprived of something. My kids practice giving and receiving all the time. They attend parties with and without gifts without issue, and in my area, it's like a 50/50 split. I've talked to them about the fact that they have a large extended family that enjoy gift giving, and not everyone has that situation. My kids probably get a minimum 10 birthday presents before we have a friend party due to large extended family (I've hinted to several that we could drop the gift exchange - no dice). They truly are spoiled rotten.

 

In general, I think the culture of overindulging kids is one that deserves to be questioned. A birthday is special and does deserve celebration. The practice of gift giving to the extent it happens now is a relatively new one. And I do think it's respectful to honor how a particular parent decides to parent their own child, even if it doesn't align with how you parent.

 

I do think just throwing a party and not mentioning the birthday works too and I wouldn't have a problem with that. A book, animal shelter, or food drive is a good idea too.

[Incognito]

Well, I went to a "no gifts" party once and obeyed - and I was the ONLY ONE who didn't bring a gift for the child AND THEN the people did a gift opening anyways and it was sooo uncomfortable for me and my DD. I had spent a fair bit of time getting her to understand that we were respecting the child's family by not bringing a gift because they had asked us not to, even though we would like to give the little guy a present. We did make a card for him, but it was still embarassing how it unfolded. And DD told me when we got to the car afterwards, " Mom, you were wrong. We should have brought a present." I had to concede.

 

Before that experience, I would have been fine with a "no gift" party. Now, I think they are terrible, and I will always bring a gift anyways (at least have it in the car).

[kalanamak]

 

Call me crazy, but this would actually be more disturbing to me because I would know it was the parent's wish, not the child's.

 

 

I think small children can be generous. You can ask a couple boardies who've come over and found their arms full when leaving because kiddo piles toys into littler kid's arms. My son was very hospital aware at a young age (he grew up nursing in the call room!). At some age he wanted all his teddies to go to needy children, around age 5. We gave them to the fire department and he was very happy delivering them.

[kalanamak]

Here's what I don't get - why must we always be judging each other? Who cares if one kid doesn't want presents? Why must that parent be tacky?

 

 

There were no "no gift" parties when I was a wee one. So I didn't have a party. I HATED getting gifts*, and thus told my mother I didn't want a party. I'm sure she was baffled, but possibly secretly relieved.

 

*Until about age 30 I was excruciatingly miserable lying and saying I liked something when I thought it horrid. Now I just say thank you how thoughtful (luckily I never get anything anyway), but I hated birthdays and Christmas because I never got anything I remotely wanted (except the one year I got Album of Horses!). I wanted to cry or barf every time I had to lie by looking pleased.

[catz]

Well, I went to a "no gifts" party once and obeyed - and I was the ONLY ONE who didn't bring a gift for the child AND THEN the people did a gift opening anyways and it was sooo uncomfortable for me and my DD. I had spent a fair bit of time getting her to understand that we were respecting the child's family by not bringing a gift because they had asked us not to, even though we would like to give the little guy a present. We did make a card for him, but it was still embarassing how it unfolded. And DD told me when we got to the car afterwards, " Mom, you were wrong. We should have brought a present." I had to concede.

 

Before that experience, I would have been fine with a "no gift" party. Now, I think they are terrible, and I will always bring a gift anyways (at least have it in the car).

 

 

But think about it from the perspective of the "no gift request" parent. Maybe all these gifts showed up and someone pressured her to do a public opening. That mother was likely delighted with you that day and probably extremely annoyed with the friends that ignored her simple request and then pressured her to allow her child to open gifts in front of everyone. The parent may not have been expectating that and froze, instead of gently saying they would have to save the gifts for later. You should absolutely not have been the one feeling awkward in that situation IMO.

[SKL]

I have had a no-gift party when my dd turned 1. I put "no gifts, please" on the invitation. Only a couple of people disregarded that request. When they showed up with gifts, I whisked the gifts into another room (and did not open them during the party) so others would not feel awkward.

 

I haven't had any more birthday "parties" for my kids. Like the OP, my kids have everything, and besides, I'm just not motivated to go through it all. We instead go somewhere for each child's birthday.

 

If my kids were going to have friends over for a birthday celebration, I'd probably try to make it something away from home which does not lend itself to gift-giving. For example, a trip to an amusement park or waterpark. I would try to be clear that no gifts should be brought because the shared activity "was" the gift. I would not make accommodations such as a gift table or taking time at the party to open gifts. Of course if someone brought a gift, we'd thankfully accept it, but we wouldn't make a show of it in order to avoid embarrassing those who did not bring gifts.

 

But frankly, I say phooey on the whole birthday party thing if etiquette requires gifts even when the host doesn't want any.

[tammyw]

My kids have almost always asked for "no gifts" when hosting a birthday party. They have always said they have everything they need and much of what they want, so they just honestly don't need more.

[Jenny in Florida]

I know the ettiquette books say there's no polite way to ask for "no gifts," but I don't live in a world in which that matters for a five year old's birthday party.

 

Each of my kids had no-gift parties several times. My daughter's birthday is close to Christmas, and we were always both picky about toys and trying to keep clutter to a reasonable level. So, we often asked guests not to bring a gift. Since we established the precedent with her, we frequently did the same with my son.

Instead, we said things like, "Our family likes to keep things simple. Your presence is the only gift Kiddo needs or wants. She would, however, welcome home-made cards or small tokens." Or, a couple of times, we changed the last sentence to read something like, "Her favorite charity is Give Kids the World. So, if you'd like to bring an item for donation, Kiddo would be very grateful."

 

It's been a long time, and I can't remember our exact wording. I hope it was more graceful than what I put here, but it was close in spirit. In other words, we never said, "Don't bring a gift." We just expressed a preference and gave folks suggestions for alternatives.

 

My kids also went to more than one party where we were specifically requested to gift books, rather than toys. It wasn't uncommon in their circle of friends.

 

Neither of my kids could ever think of anything they wanted, in terms of gifts from friends, except sometimes books. For my daughter, especially, the worry that someone would give her something she really didn't like or want was upsetting, since she would feel badly giving away a present from a friend. (Yes, she was weird.) Neither had what could be called "normal" taste in playthings, either.

 

Mine never opened gifts during the party, anyway. So, if anyone did bring a gift, I just thanked the guest and parents and tucked it away, explaining that we'd open it later.

[Jenny in Florida]

 

Call me crazy, but this would actually be more disturbing to me because I would know it was the parent's wish, not the child's.

 

 

And, in the case of my daughter, you would be wrong.

[Jenny in Florida]

 

I can't imagine a 5 year old having a birthday party and not getting gifts from her friends. :(

 

This is about your 5yo having a great time at a wonderful party with her friends... and part of that wonderful party is getting presents.

 

Personally, I always think it's horribly tacky when parents ask people not to bring gifts for their children. It seems sort of mean to deprive a kid of some fun presents just because the parents think the kid already has plenty of stuff. Birthday parties can only happen once a year, and if you're going to have one, let your kid have the gifts -- particularly in this instance, when each kid will bring one gift. Unless you're planning to invite your dd's 300 closest friends to the party, we're not really talking about that much stuff, anyway.

 

Also, if you adopt a "no gift" policy, chances are that the vast majority of the other parties your dd attends will still include gifts from all of the attendees, so how will you explain to your dd why all of the other kids got presents and she got nothing (or just got books that she had to donate to the local hospital or whatever?) And how will your dd feel about having to choose and give fun gifts to the other kids when she received none?

 

Additionally, if you have a "no gift" party, you may find that some of the other moms won't feel comfortable inviting your dd to their kids' parties, because they want gifts and might feel weird about expecting you to bring one when they didn't give anything to your dd.

 

Not one of these things was ever an issue for my kids.

 

Neither of mine was ever -- or ever felt -- "deprived." On the contrary, they always felt they had more than enough toys and could never figure out what other kids did with all of the stuff they had. My daughter always felt sad for the toys that would get lost in the pile or not loved or played with, because their owners had no time or attention for them.

 

It may be part of the party for your kid to get gifts, but, as I said, it was never a big part of the parties my kids attended. Although some families did seem to welcome presents, the vast majority of the party givers never opened gifts during the party. It's distracting and can be upsetting for guests and overwhelming for younger birthday kids. We always found that de-emphasing the present part of birthdays put the focus on the aspects we felt were more important.

 

For my kids, it was always a choice, whether to request no gifts or charitable donatations or just go the "regular" route. My daughter always preferred the first. My son often went the latter, although he also really liked the home-made cards/small gifts idea. Either way, I never had to explain anything, since we had discussed it with them in advance and honored the birthday kid's own decision. Although I freely admit to making lots of mistakes with my kids, I honestly don't remember ever once feeling like the no-gifts parties thing had been a problem. Even in hindsight.

 

Instead, I vividly remember packing up the car with items my daughter had collected, some purchased with a small weekly budget we gave her for that purpose and some collected from that year's birthday party, and driving out to the Give Kids the World Village. She proudly unloaded the car and helped deliver the gifts. We got a tour of the facility and talked to some of the volunteers. A week or so later, she got a thank you letter in the mail. We framed it for her, and it hung on her bedroom wall for a number of years.

 

I don't think she could necessarily remember any gift she got for herself at any other party.

 

On the other hand, each of mine has been invited to and attended plenty of gift-bringing parties over the years. So, I don't think it hampered their social success any.

[Carol in Cal.]

If I got an invitation like that, I would still bring a gift, but I would slip it to you on the side so that no one else would see it, and I would not expect or encourage you to 'have her open it so my little Suzie can see how very much she likes it'. However, if you were a very good friend, I would call you up and say what is up with this? And you would say, well what we really want is a toy donation to that great charity downtown, but of course it would be rude to put anything like that into the invitation, and I would do that, gladly.

[Garga]

I agree with a pp who said to be veeeeery sure that the dd understands and is fully on board with no gifts. I've done things like this in the past, thinking my kids understood, only to be faced with their sadness and confusion when the day actually dawned and their friends arrived with no gifts. What's worse is when your little guy tries his best to be stoic about it, but you can see the hurt on his face.