mom31257 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 My special needs nephew is finishing school this year and will get a special diploma from his umbrella school. My sister has planned a graduation reception for him in April. My dd just found out that a theater near here is performing Sound of Music and wants to try out. We don't think she'd get the main part available to her simply because she's not part of this theater group already, but she would like to do it, even if it's a small part or as an extra. My sister got very upset because the performances will be the next 2 weekends following the graduation party, so dd will probably have practice and not be able to be there. If that happens, I would still go to the graduation party and let dh stay to get dd there. It would mean dd isn't there for the party, though, because it's 3.5 hour drive to where my sister lives. Our family is very small because there's only our parents, my 2 sisters, our husbands, my 2 kids, and my nephew. She will invite her husband's family, friends, etc. Of course I don't want dd to miss it, but I also don't want her to miss out on an opportunity she would really enjoy and can count toward school. She had planned on singing in chorus at a local Christian school, and they canceled the class. Am I being unreasonable to put dd's interest ahead of this event? UPDATE in post #36 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Nope. I would like my daughter try out for the show. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I think as long as you're planning on going to the party for your nephew, that's a good compromise. Stay as sweet about it as you can, but do be firm in letting her know that you plan to be there and wouldn't miss it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 There's nothing to be mad ABOUT yet. IF your daughter gets the part she MIGHT have a conflict that MAY be non-negotiable to the rehearsal schedule. I think your sis is out of line to get mad about that many layers of Maybe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I would let her audition and indicate that the day of the party is a conflict but it might be negotiable. Many times, especially if the kid is in a small role, they'll grant the absence. But like KungFuPanda said, it's pretty early for your sister to be upset, and I sure wouldn't pass up this opportunity for a cousin's graduation. You can always bring dd back to your sister's house after the show run is over and take dear nephew out for a celebration meal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 There is no way I would put a semester commitment on hold in my child's life to attend one party. There are so many other ways your dd can make your nephew feel special, loved, and celebrated. Your sister is out of line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 There is no way I would put a semester commitment on hold in my child's life to attend one party. There are so many other ways your dd can make your nephew feel special, loved, and celebrated. Your sister is out of line. I entirely agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I don't think your sis should be upset yet either and I would let dd try out. I would try to get her out of that one day's practice if she makes it into the play though, especially if I knew this was something important to my sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Am I being unreasonable to put dd's interest ahead of this event? Yes, because a high school graduation only happens once in a lifetime. A stage production happens all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraciebytheBay Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 No, you are not being unreasonable. In fact, I wouldn't give it a thought if I were your sister. Surely there will be many others there to celebrate with your dn, and especially with you being willing to attend, I can't see why this would be so upsetting. But then, I'm not a big party person, so maybe that is why I feel that way. I hope she isn't too upset and can be understanding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 There is no way I would put a semester commitment on hold in my child's life to attend one party. There are so many other ways your dd can make your nephew feel special, loved, and celebrated. Your sister is out of line. This, exactly! I can't believe that your sister would ask this of your dd. You should most certainly encourage your dd to audition and if she can't make it to her cousin's graduation, so be it. She can do something special with him at another time to celebrate his accomplishment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I think your sister is getting ahead of herself and being unfair. Your family can help your nephew celebrate his special day even if DD can't be at the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Yes, because a high school graduation only happens once in a lifetime. A stage production happens all the time. It's a graduation party/reception, not the actual ceremony, if I understood the OP correctly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 It's a graduation party/reception, not the actual ceremony, if I understood the OP correctly. I know. It doesn't change the fact that this is a very important life event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Yes, because a high school graduation only happens once in a lifetime. A stage production happens all the time. I disagree. Your OWN graduation may be a once in a lifetime event. A graduation party for a friend or relative definitely is not. I have received many more invitations to graduation parties than opportunities to participate in theatre productions. OP, your sister is being ridiculous (IF she is really as upset as you think she is. Maybe she is just disappointed your dd might not make the party and it just came across as upset?). Let your dd try out. If she is cast, list the party date as a conflict. Maybe she will be allowed to miss rehearsal that day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebacabunch Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Your kid comes first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Your kid comes first. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Sigh....Wouldn't it be nice if she'd said: "Wow! That's great! I hope your dd gets the part she wants." I can't imagine expecting the entire extended family to drop everything to come to a party. I do know, though, as a mom of a child with a disability, that it is easy to feel very sensitive about events and celebrations that are so normal in the lives of most families. I don't think she's in the right, and I think your presence at the party will be lovely and a great compromise. Putting myself in her shoes, I can see my dd's graduation (IF she graduates--her anxiety is over-the-top right now) becoming a huge emotional milestone and also bringing out a lot of worries about wanting the day to be perfect. I hope that makes sense--I don't think she's right, but I can see myself getting so caught up in the event that I might forget to be reasonable. Hopefully temporarily. Be patient. Either she'll wake up one day and think, "Oh, yeah. I am/was being kind of unreasonable," or she won't. Either way, you make the best choice for your dd. (I do hope she gets the part she wants. My ds did a local children's theater production once, and it was an amazing experience!) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Couldn't the date of the party be changed to May or June if dd gets a part. This seems like the easiest solution if they really want your whole family there. It is 4 months to party time. If she refuses to try and move the party she doesn't really care that much. It may simply take a couple of phone calls and some emails. I know this sounds a bit snotty so please know I moved a 150 guest wedding and it can be done! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Girl Power Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I do know, though, as a mom of a child with a disability, that it is easy to feel very sensitive about events and celebrations that are so normal in the lives of most families. Cat I was thinking the same thing. Beck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Your nephew has special needs. This is a milestone event that can give a view of "normalcy". Your nephew probably has very few events like that. Think: has he had any others (driver's license, prom, college acceptance, etc). What chance does he have at other such events like this? That is where your sister is coming from. No, I do not think you are wrong. But you do need to understand how much of you sister's heart is riding on this (probably last) opportunity to do things like a regular kid. Things that you take for granted with your children every single day. She wants to have a nice party. You are already telling her your dd may not come, which means at least one parent is probably not coming either. Does the sister have friends to invite. Does the nephew have friends to invite. Having special needs can be terribly isolating. So, you've already told her the party will be smaller than she thought. While you probably have the conundrum of narrowing down the list friends to take ice skating on Saturday, your sister has probably struggled for years to find social outlets, activities and peers. Re moving the party. Most people have grad parties within the week of graduation. I've been to grad parties of several nieces, nephews and my own son. Also neighbors. No one has had a party two weeks later. That just sounds awkward. It sounds anti climatic. "well we had graduation a while back, now we're celebrating". Suppose there is ONE friend to be invited, by two weeks after the event summer has started, people have left for the beach or other things. If you don't have special needs child you have no idea how prized it is to get family and A FRIEND to come to something. I think if your dd gets the part and she has a mandatory practice, you should do everything in your power to find someone else to (someone in the play?) to watch her and take her to and from her rehearsal that day so that she is the only family member missing from the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I think it depends on how close you are, and how close you want to be in the future. My neice is graduating from high school across the country this spring and we've already turned things down, and worked hard to coordinate the schedule of a camp I'm directing, so as to not conflict with graduation. My niece will likely have many more graduations, but I don't want to miss any of them. My kids feel the same way. I would prioritize the graduation (and yes, it may 'just' be a party but it sounds like its his whole graduation). Your sister will remember your support and love for much longer than your dd will remember a small part in the Sound of Music. There will be other plays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I just want to say that I do understand the special needs aspect which is why I thought a different date which would allow the neice to pursue her interests and attend her cousins party would be reasonable. I was thinking she might be one of his only friends there. I was thinking simply that a different date would mean a higher attendance by loved ones. Also I want to add that my one experience with home ed graduation parties is a friend who has hosted hers at the end of June. I thought April was a bit early with that as my standard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 No, for my vote. I wouldn't expect anyone to put a hold on their lives for a party, especially a young person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Special needs kids here, and I understand where your sister is coming from...but I still think you should let your DD try out. Tell your sister you understand how important this is to her and your nephew and that you intend to tell the director from the beginning that if DD gets a part, she will not be available on that date due to another unavoidable obligation. IF she gets a part and IF the director tells her no, she must be there, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. If it is a huge deal to your sister and the director says no, your sister should change the date to make sure the party is everything she wants it to be. It is too early to get upset about it, IMHO. There is a good chance that advance warning could free her for the party, particularly if the situation is explained in detail. Most reasonable people will understand how important it would be to be there for a special needs child's big day, if you give them a chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Yes, because a high school graduation only happens once in a lifetime. A stage production happens all the time. Respectfully, I have to disagree. I don't know where the OP lives, but in my neck of the woods, one is lucky if there is a stage production that your non-PS children can audition for once every five years. I have high schoolers too and this kind of extra-curricular is REALLY important for college bound kids and especially ones that might want to major in anything arts or humanities related. It literally can be a "this is my one shot to do this" opportunity since the only extra-curriculars you can claim on college admissions are those that occured in the four year prior to college enrollment. Yes, maybe if you live in an urban environment and have a community theater group that does more than one production per year and many of those productions have roles for minors to fill. The closest theater group to us (a 45 minute drive) has not produced a play or musical in the last three years that required the use of students. If dd is young and has many, many years of opportunities ahead, then I would consider her attending her cousin's graduation. However, if she is 12 or older, I'd be very inclined to pursue the theater option. For what it's worth, I had more than one cousin graduation ceremony or openhouse, confirmation, or other big event I had to miss as a child due to conflicts with piano recitals and other performances I was involved in and since I went on to major in piano performance in college, I am VERY glad my parents made that priority one for me. I would however, have dd hand make a very nice card, save money to buy a gift for her cousin or make something meaningful, and have her call and express her regrets in person on the day of the event. Life is messy. We can't just drop everything because one person picks date X over another date. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Your sister will remember your support and love for much longer than your dd will remember a small part in the Sound of Music. These are not mutually exclusive. The OP is not going to be withholding any love and support whether her DD gets a part in the musical or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Also I want to add that my one experience with home ed graduation parties is a friend who has hosted hers at the end of June. I thought April was a bit early with that as my standard! This is an excellent point. April is going to be a problem for a lot of people who need to travel if their children are still in school. With a 3.5 hr. drive one way, given the intensity of our school year, I'd be iffy on attendance since we'd need to lay over due to the distance which makes it a 2 day event or maybe even 3 depending on the time of day the event is set to begin. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 You are not being unreasonable. I do understand that this is a very special event for your sister (you didn't say how your nephew feels about it.) I don't think it's fair to expect your daughter to put this chance on hold for one party. If I were your sister, I'd be more upset if YOU didn't come to the party than if my niece didn't come. I agree that there are other ways for your daughter to show how proud she is of her cousin. The party is your sister's thing, it doesn't have to be the ONLY thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 There is no way I would put a semester commitment on hold in my child's life to attend one party. There are so many other ways your dd can make your nephew feel special, loved, and celebrated. Your sister is out of line. Same here..... not for a graduation party. A wedding of a close family member, yes... but not this.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Re moving the party. Most people have grad parties within the week of graduation. I've been to grad parties of several nieces, nephews and my own son. Also neighbors. No one has had a party two weeks later. That just sounds awkward. It sounds anti climatic. MOST people do have parties the week of graduation. Which means many, many overlapping and conflicting parties. My oldest chose to not have a graduation party right after graduation and instead have all her friends come to celebrate at our family pool party in July. Many more were able to attend this way, it was nice for them to all touch base again before they all scattered for college. I don't think moving the party would be a big deal since it is 4 months away and, from what you said it's primarily family that is attending. If she wants maximum attendance, now would be the time to discuss vacation schedules and other commitments with everyone and plan the date the majority can be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Special needs child here and agree with the other SN moms. Its hard work and extremely emotional to guide a SN child through the education process. There's a lot of fear about the future. A graduation is one of the few moments you can relax and be glad for what has been done. You want your family with you at that time. I can understand her feelings. She's not 'out of line' to feel this way, but you are a different person. Its not 'out of line' for you to do what you consider best for your family. Sometimes you need to do what you want to do. Just understand that its probably going to hurt your sister by going your own way. It seems like you're downgrading their moment of triumph to an everyday thing. Its not an everyday thing for a child with special needs. If it was my decision, I would allow my daughter to try out and do my best at the beginning of the production to clear the time for her to be at the party. If she's only going to be in a minor role it should be possible. Families hurt each other. It happens. We all have different expectations and needs. If your daughter can't come, she can't come. Be empathetic to your sister and what she's feeling, even while you hold the boundary you need to hold for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I would encourage my dd to audition. Here, opportunities like that are next to impossible to find. No way would I want her to pass it up. I don't understand why your sister is getting so upset over a 'maybe'. There's no telling if your dd will even get a part. While I sympathize that this is a big event for her child, I wouldn't expect/allow my child to give up an opportunity like this to accomodate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I come from a small family and am a special needs parent. It wouldn't occur to me to expect my child's cousins to come to a homeschool graduation, or any graduation for that matter. Families have their own schedules and April is a busy month. Let your daughter try out and then see if she can skip that weekend of practice. I'll bet she can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 My perception of this is inevitably colored by my experience as the mom of two whose lives revolve around performances. My son owns a t-shirt that says, "I can't. I have rehearsal." And it is an accurate reflection of our lives. (My daughter once had to change out of her flower girl/junior bridesmaid dress and into her costune 15 minutes into the reception of a wedding for some close church friends and dash to the car so I could deliver her to a performance across town.) What I can tell you from our experience is that, if your daughter is cast in the show AND the party conflicts with a "regular" rehearsal (meaning, not tech or dress or the first one with the orchestra or anything like that) AND you let the director know up front that she has a conflict for that one day, the odds are very good that she'll be excused to go to the party. If it were me (and it has been, although not in the exact same situation, obviously), I would assure my relative that we understand the party is important to her and her son and that we will do our absolute best to work with the director to make it possible for my daughter to attend, but I can't promise it will happen. Either way, I'll be there cheering on her son and bringing the love and good wishes of the whole family with me. I can tell you that my theatre nerd kids often weigh these kinds of decisions with regard to time spent on each activity. Getting cast in a show means a month or more of rehearsals, followed by however many performances there are in the run. A party is a few hours on one day. If she does get cast and can't get out of rehearsal, I'd make sure she made a really lovely, personal, special card for her cousin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Thanks for all the input! My sister called me today about something else, so I very lightly brought it up. She said she was sorry if I took it that she wouldn't want her to try out. She would not want her to miss out on the opportunity, she was just expressing that she would be really sad if my dd couldn't be there. She did bring up the fact that my nephew will never have other things like this (wedding, college, babies born, etc.), so this is really the only thing he will have like all of those. She just meant if there was any way for dd to be there, she would really want her there. My sister told me she must not have a good way of expressing herself because she feels she is misunderstood a lot. I do feel she is the one who hurts my feelings more than anyone else in my life. I didn't offer any advice on that issue or say that is the way it is. The date probably can't be changed because my sister is planning on leaving town for a few weeks right after this. My nephew got mono a couple of years ago and has developed very severe allergies since then. They live in east TN, which is the worst area in the country for allergies and asthma (according to the national council on it and their immunologist). Their family is contemplating moving to the Savannah area because last year he went to the beach during allergy season and got completely well. She wants to try out staying down there from late April until early June and see how he does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 She did bring up the fact that my nephew will never have other things like this (wedding, college, babies born, etc.), so this is really the only thing he will have like all of those. This is key to understanding your sister's perspective. If I read correctly, your sister has only one child. So, it's not just that this is the only thing like this that your nephew will experience, it is the only thing like this that your sister and her dh will have as well. Again, I wouldn't stop your dd from auditioning. I would make every effort to make everyone else show up for the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Amy, I'm glad to hear you spoke with your sister and that things are OK between you again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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