Unsupportive family

[Mommee & Baba]

I "thought" I had a thick skin when it came to the topic on homeschooling my children. Well I need some guidance to keeping my words from being hurtful to those that are anti-homeschooling.

 

With my own family they weren't supportive in the beginning. They then saw first hand that my kids were being "fed" the proper education and stopped questioning our decision.

 

 

We're moving across the U.S. near dh's family. They are anti-homeschooling BIG time. My dh's sister homeschooled her kids for about 2-3 years and they never let up and she eventually put her kids into public school because they were so crude! I'm easily offended and tend to take everything personal! My dh's family has commented many times that once we get moved they will help us with putting our kids into "a school that they need". I've made it very clear that they WILL NOT being going to public school. All my kids love being home & say as much. i told her they prefer to be home and her comment was, "I'll change that". His aunt is the one I am so near & dear too so maybe that's why I'm taking this so hard because she was a public school teacher. She feels my kids need to experience first hand the "real life" experiences that a public school offers, they need to be socialized, and they need to learn from someone other than me. I stood my ground on the phone with her and told her I will win this battle since its mine to fight and not hers. She laughed and said, "we'll see". Inside I'm doing this.... !!!!!AHHHHH!!!! How do you suggest I process this? My dh says he's got my back, until he notices the kids aren't dong well....but what that really means is... He'll be supportive until his family push enough. It was hard enough fighting to homeschool without his support the first 4 years! Now I have his support and my in-laws are going to cause that more stress on the entire situation. Ugh!

 

His aunt said her worries are also with the scores she saw years ago when she was administering homeschool kids test scores. I told her that is insulting since she doesn't even know our kids or our homeschooling environment.

 

I know in the end I will win this and I'll be confident AGAIN! But this was a complete & utter blow to my homeschooling mom hat that I wore so proudly and confident. I know I should just ignore it and follow through my plan....but how can I shut them up. I know that sounds awful! My own advice would be, "proof in the pudding".

 

Let's not forget I'll have his grandparents in my fanny too! Ugh! And his cousins and well....EVERYONE!

[Impish]

"This is our parenting decision, and not open for discussion or debate."

 

Wash, rinse, repeat. Refuse to discuss it.

[Twinmom]

Do you have to move near them? I'd run far, far away if I could. Unsupportive is a huge understatement...I'd go with blatantly toxic opposition I must avoid at all costs! Wow.

[gardenmom5]

you need to erect and be firm about boundaries. homeschool/educaiton simply will not be a subject open for discussion. agree to disagree - subject closed. if they persist, change subject, hang up the phone, leave, say good-bye, tell them you'll talk to them later. You're not going to change their mind. they think they have the upperhand because the other homeschooler in your dh's family caved and put her kids in school.

 

eta: when it comes to polite to relatives or providing your children what they need - go with providing your children what they need. don't apologize for it either.

[Mergath]

If she used to be a ps teacher, I doubt she's going to let up. Now that my dd is old enough to officially start K next year if we weren't hsing, the employees at the public school where she gets her speech therapy are relentless. I'm constantly getting cornered and having them give me speeches about how terrible homeschooling is. And I'm not even related to these people!

 

Next time she says something about seeing hsed kids with low test scores, I'd say something along the lines of, "I don't assume that you were a crap teacher just because I've seen so many bad public school teachers, and I'd appreciate if you'd extend us the same courtesy." Beyond that, I'd give a simple, "It's not up for discussion."

[Mommee & Baba]

Do you have to move near them? I'd run far, far away if I could. Unsupportive is a huge understatement...I'd go with blatantly toxic opposition I must avoid at all costs! Wow.

 

 

Yes our home is opening up this summer that we've been waiting on for YEARS! It's a home that's been in the family since 1960 & we were the next in line to own it once the other family members passed, rebuilt or re bought. We didn't expect this to come up for another 10+ years.

 

And as for this comment you said...

I'd go with blatantly toxic opposition I must avoid at all costs! Wow

that's EXACTLY how I would describe it under all the fluffy pretty words!

[Catwoman]

"This is our parenting decision, and not open for discussion or debate."

 

Wash, rinse, repeat. Refuse to discuss it.

 

 

 

Yes. This. Exactly.

 

Honestly, if they make comments like that to you, you have every right to call them out for their incredible rudeness, and if they act like they will try to change your kids' minds about homeschooling, remind them that they will not be seeing your children at all if they ever, ever, ever disagree with your parenting decisions in front of the kids or if they ever try to influence the kids behind your back.

 

Your kids. Your decisions. Period.

 

But I will gently suggest to you that you may wish to seriously reconsider your move, if you think your in-laws will try to come between you and your dh about the homeschooling... Because if they will do it about homeschooling, they'll do it about other things, as well ,and you could be a very rocky road ahead of you if there is any chance that they will be able to influence your dh. If you're not 110 percent sure that he's always going to defend you and take your side, be very, very careful about making that move. It sounds like they want to start trouble for you... Big time.

[Twigs]

… i told her they prefer to be home and her comment was, "I'll change that". …

 

 

Don't let this person be alone with your children. Supervise constantly so she has no chance to "change that"

Don't give them any justification for your decision, that will just give them a target to shoot at.

Be very good at "that topic is not open for discussion"

 

Best wishes.

[Twinmom]

If that house is worth it to you, then you are going to have to grow a really, really thick skin! Like, supersonic, prehistoric gigantic alligator skin that nothing, nothing can penetrate or stick to! Cover that skin with a slick coat of oil if you have to. I'd also be pretty demanding that DH back me up no matter what, or I would not be moving anywhere close to his family.

 

I'm so sorry.

[lllll]

..

[Tess in the Burbs]

why would you move closer to toxic people??????

[Myra]

"This is our parenting decision, and not open for discussion or debate."

 

Wash, rinse, repeat. Refuse to discuss it.

 

 

 

I think Imp's advice is right on. You need to nip this in the bud before you move - now! I think every time this topic is brought up repeat Imp's statement. If they persist, I would tell them that they are being rude, offensive, and obtrusive then repeat Imp's statement. And then move on to the next topic of conversation. I wouldn't worry about being over-the-top on this issue and hurting feelings - as with some people that is the only way they get the msg. Now is the time to set up the boundaries before you move - be proactive and inflexible on this topic.

[WTMCassandra]

Yes our home is opening up this summer that we've been waiting on for YEARS! It's a home that's been in the family since 1960 & we were the next in line to own it once the other family members passed, rebuilt or re bought. We didn't expect this to come up for another 10+ years.

 

And as for this comment you said... that's EXACTLY how I would describe it under all the fluffy pretty words!

 

 

I'm sorry, but seriously, I would not move there with that level of toxicity of the family. And especially since it sounds like DH will throw you under the bus when things get tough.

[Tammyla]

I agree with the others...You must be firm that this is your choice as a parent and not discuss it...ever, ever, ever.

 

Learn to deal with it the best way you can and just do it. It may mean, smiling and laughing it off..."You crack me up!" or you simply hang up, leave the room / house or sign off every single time they bring it up. (Have a canned answer and use it...) They will bring it up and you will be pressured; I'd even go so far as to say they will attempt to say you though your children. Please prepare your heart for them to try every means available to them to push you to give up.

 

I do hope your dh will be supportive; I think you're going to need.

 

Vent here about any difficulties, because they will see everyday worries as evidence.

 

I'm sorry you are being put into a difficult place.

[FaithManor]

Gently here, though I cannot emphasize enough...the house, no matter how dear it may seem to you, is not worth it. Anyone who will say these things to you and laugh after she threatens to manipulate your children against you (which is exactly what "we'll see" means when it's followed by laughter or snickering - she has a plan in place), is not someone you want to spend time with your kiddoes. Trust me, she will attempt some serious underhandedness. Guess why we aren't speaking to dh's sister? Same deal...she spent a two week vacation here doing nothing but seeking out our young sons and telling them we were evil, horrible, abusive parents for homeschooling them and that they'd never be able to get a job or go to college because homeschooling is for "idiots".

 

The only reason she wasn't shoved into the car and hauled to the airport early was she stayed at MIL's and we refused to let the boys come to see her after the "big blow up" and dh decided he would end all contact except a birthday and Christmas card each year. It's been four years and we've not seen her since. That's because she lives in Florida and we block her telephone number and email. If you move near family like that, you will be in an all out war because they do not have boundaries. Since they are "improperly socialized (a term I would feel free to use with said aunt, "Wow. It's unfortunate that while you were in the public school you still managed to be improperly socialized because if you had learned your manners, you would know this is none of you business and cease and desist bringing it up!"), these family members will not give up the battle easily.

 

Do what you need to do, but if you move to that house, I would advise you to shun these people. Seriously, do not let them around your kids.

 

Faith

[Ellie]

And this is your dh's family? Then HE needs to be equally as firm as you when they oppose homeschooling. it cannot all fall on your shoulders. He must be the one to say that the decision to homeschool was something that both of you agree with and that HE will not allow anyone to abuse you over that decision, and that HE will not allow them to brow-beat your children, either.

[JFSinIL]

I'd worry that this "family" home you were next in line to get into...may become a "If you move in, you must put your kids in school" situation. Will you actually OWN the house outright? Otherwise I fear it may turn into leverage against you.

 

I'd NOT move.

[dangermom]

I have to agree with the others above--I'm not just worried about your happy homeschooling, I'm concerned for your marriage. If your husband is going to cave under pressure and you two won't be united in the face of his family's treatment of you, then that is a really big problem.

 

Your in-laws should not be treating you this way over any issue that isn't actually illegal. Not politics, not religion, not education. That's simple human respect and decency. Your choices for your family are between you and your husband, and anyone who tries to come between you and undermine the marriage is not someone you should be moving close to.

[teamturner]

I don't think a house is worth such disruption and threat to your family as you make it sound. My humble opinion of course. Someone who threatens to come between me and my dc and dh would not get to be near anyone in my family. Period.

 

What's so bad about where you live now?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

These are gigantic, major, enormous red flags waving. Get off the tracks!!!

 

These people want to come between you and your husband, between you and your kids, and between your family and your cherished lifestyle. They could not have telegraphed this to you more clearly.

 

The aunt might not be above horrible tactics to get your kids in school. False accusations, calls to CPS...are you sure she'd never do that?

 

If moving closer to family makes your DH's backbone weaken, keep him outside the perimeter where he's stronger.

 

If you're going to ignore the clue-by-fours we are beating you with (and I'm so sorry for being blunt; probably everybody else is, too! we're just terrified for you!).....

 

Then do NOT take that house unless it is yours outright. Don't let there be one string or contingency. Zero. Zip. You must reserve the ability to shun or cut off these people without fearing the loss of your home or children.

[Saddlemomma]

I would seriously reconsider this move. No house is worth that toxic situation. Depending upon the influence these "family" members have on your dh, this could literally tear your family apart. Ask yourself, is it worth that?

 

If you absolutely cannot give up the house (due to finances or dh) then stay away from them completely. If they want to know why -- tell them in plain English, "I won't have you poisoning my children or dh with your bias against something you know absolutely nothing about." You can be polite, but firm.

 

This is going to hit you the hardest, and you need to put your armor on now! Your kids will be the rope in the tug-o-war and may become very confused. Talk with them now, and tell them what to expect. Explain to them why they may not be seeing much of the family. Talk with your dh now also. Stand firm in your convictions with him and reiterate all the specific reasons why you homeschool; what the positives are; the benefits you both see. In addition, tell him how hurt you are that his family is already, before the move, trying to run your family and dictate what is best for your children. They are assuming the role that is yours and his alone -- that is not acceptable, period.

 

Can you tell I've had to deal with this before? You need to be a very strong person to overcome this. You can't let your guard down for a minute. Pray for wisdom, knowledge and grace to see you through.

[TranquilMind]

'mamaofblessings':

I "thought" I had a thick skin when it came to the topic on homeschooling my children. Well I need some guidance to keeping my words from being hurtful to those that are anti-homeschooling.

 

With my own family they weren't supportive in the beginning. They then saw first hand that my kids were being "fed" the proper education and stopped questioning our decision.

 

 

 

 

Well, that's progress! You did it once and you can do it again.

 

We're moving across the U.S. near dh's family. They are anti-homeschooling BIG time. My dh's sister homeschooled her kids for about 2-3 years and they never let up and she eventually put her kids into public school because they were so crude! I'm easily offended and tend to take everything personal! My dh's family has commented many times that once we get moved they will help us with putting our kids into "a school that they need".

 

About here is where I would seriously be saying "Bite me." As if they can intervene in that manner. Ha ha ha. This is also where your husband has to stand up to them and say, "Enough! That's it. You are never to mention this subject again, as our family has decided our course."

 

 

I've made it very clear that they WILL NOT being going to public school. All my kids love being home & say as much. i told her they prefer to be home and her comment was, "I'll change that". His aunt is the one I am so near & dear too so maybe that's why I'm taking this so hard because she was a public school teacher. She feels my kids need to experience first hand the "real life" experiences that a public school offers, they need to be socialized, and they need to learn from someone other than me. I stood my ground on the phone with her and told her I will win this battle since its mine to fight and not hers. She laughed and said, "we'll see". Inside I'm doing this.... !!!!!AHHHHH!!!! How do you suggest I process this? My dh says he's got my back, until he notices the kids aren't dong well....but what that really means is... He'll be supportive until his family push enough.

 

Well, he needs to step it up and remember that when he married you, he "left his father and mother and cleaved unto his wife". You are his first allegiance and priority now, as it should be. He cannot waver on this.

 

 

It was hard enough fighting to homeschool without his support the first 4 years! Now I have his support and my in-laws are going to cause that more stress on the entire situation. Ugh!

 

His aunt said her worries are also with the scores she saw years ago when she was administering homeschool kids test scores. I told her that is insulting since she doesn't even know our kids or our homeschooling environment.

 

 

I don't know how old your kids are, but it might be a good idea to test them on something like the IOWA Basic or whatever is available there. Then you have hard evidence, should you be seriously challenged in any sort of legal way, and with meddling family like that, I would definitely err on the side of preparation.

 

 

I know in the end I will win this and I'll be confident AGAIN! But this was a complete & utter blow to my homeschooling mom hat that I wore so proudly and confident. I know I should just ignore it and follow through my plan....but how can I shut them up. I know that sounds awful! My own advice would be, "proof in the pudding".

 

Let's not forget I'll have his grandparents in my fanny too! Ugh! And his cousins and well....EVERYONE!

 

 

I'm sorry. Hold your ground. This is your decision. I bet they don't realize how public schools are today. It was really eye-opening for me, and I'm probably far younger than your parents.

[TranquilMind]

Will you actually OWN the house outright? Otherwise I fear it may turn into leverage against you.

 

.

 

That is a good question. If there are strings attached, even financial ones, please reconsider.

[BrookValley.]

And this is your dh's family? Then HE needs to be equally as firm as you when they oppose homeschooling. it cannot all fall on your shoulders. He must be the one to say that the decision to homeschool was something that both of you agree with and that HE will not allow anyone to abuse you over that decision, and that HE will not allow them to brow-beat your children, either.

 

 

This, for sure. Also, bluntness. They're being over the top disrespectful, so, in my opinion? No holds barred. I wouldn't be worried about if my words hurt them or not. I wouldn't result to name-calling or unrelated personal attacks, but I would tell her VERY point blank to shove off (with much better words than that, if you know what I mean). I'd also just not have any contact with her, but I don't know how easy that is in your situation.

 

Ugh. What is wrong with people that makes them think they are entitled to make choices for someone else's family?

[Kirch]

You've gotten some good advice. I agree--EVERY time someone brings it up, *shut it down*. Don't try to discuss, defend, prove, or justify. If they persist, LEAVE. And in no way, shape, or form should this person be alone with your kids. Don't be afraid to tell her why and don't be afraid of coming across as rude--she has already crossed that line (tell her so if she accuses you of being rude!). And you need to have a long chat with dh about how you need to and will stand up for yourself and how he MUST have your back.

[bolt.]

A good line might be, "If you want to discuss homeschooling, you will need to discuss it with someone else. With me and my kids, the topic is closed. I won't talk about it with you, and if you insist, I will walk away. I hate being rude, but I need to be clear. Now, can I get you a coffee? How about this sunshine/rain/sports/etc."

 

Followed by, "It's a closed topic and I'm not listening. You are being very rude by bringing it up again. Will you stop, or shall we go?"

 

Also, be sure not to either bring it up yourself, (Yesterday, during math, Jerry said the cutest thing!) or make any effort to defend yourself before you close the topic each time, (Actually, Jerry does know a noun from a pronoun, but I'm not going to talk about it, so stop bringing it up!). If you talk about it at all, either way, then the topic is open. The only way to teach them it's a closed topic is to make it 100% closed.

[Harriet Vane]

I have to agree with the others above--I'm not just worried about your happy homeschooling, I'm concerned for your marriage. If your husband is going to cave under pressure and you two won't be united in the face of his family's treatment of you, then that is a really big problem.

 

Your in-laws should not be treating you this way over any issue that isn't actually illegal. Not politics, not religion, not education. That's simple human respect and decency. Your choices for your family are between you and your husband, and anyone who tries to come between you and undermine the marriage is not someone you should be moving close to.

:iagree:

[Remudamom]

Face it. If you don't make a good hard stand they'll end up doing what your dh's family wants them to do. If what you say about him having your back until they put on too much pressure then shame on him.

 

I'd be very aggressive about the fact that his family was not going to tell me what to do with my children. It's your way or the highway. Tell them right up front that if they harass you or your dh about homeschooling you will write them off. WWIII starts when they start it.

 

ETA- your husband needs to man up and tell them to mind their own business.

[readinmom]

I don't care if the house was my dream house, I would not pick up my happy, well-adjusted children and move into a toxic environment. You already have his family against you, and it sounds like a losing battle. It's one thing to be near family, but at what cost? If you are feeling this way now through long distance, imagine what it could be like one-on-one. I know I'm only dealing with the negative side, but the kids are the ones who will caught in the middle.

[Mommee & Baba]

It's all these replies here why I came here in the first place!! You all are so wonderful and are telling me what I'd expect a best pal to say to me!

 

To address all the questions. Her we go.

 

My dh & I spoke in detail on this topic. In the beginning he said I was over-reacting because I'm so passionate about homeschooling whereas he's not opposed to public school as I am. Later in the conversation when I set my grounds on completing the final steps to moving he made it crystal clear that he's got my back and doesn't want me to reply to anyone in his family that brings it up. He wants to be my shield and put it to a stop immediately. For this I'm thankful! I'm going to need alot of reassurance through this process with him. However he knows that if someone brings it up when he's not around to say how I feel about it and leave it at that, he asked me to not demean or name call but to nicely tell them it's not a concern and when it becomes a concern of OURS we'll handle it. I too feel that his family will try to get at our kids when we step out away from them and my dh said if that happens our kids can't be left alone with them or around them for a period of time until they can be respectful of our decisions.

 

The move is something financially we need to do. The deed will be in our name before we even begin the road trip back as the paperwork process has already begun. So if they try to stall the paperwork because they want to control our family we'll just not move and figure something else out.

 

The move is from TN to WA state.

 

My dh & I have had no family here for 9 years & we've managed our children on our own just fine. This is what my dh says he will point out clearly to them. We aren't the kind of family that drops kids off with anyone either. It's something his family will have to get use to as well. His mother is anti-homeschooling but butts her nose out since she knows our stance.

 

This particular aunt & I spoke this afternoon while I was out shopping. In the conversation she asked if I would agree to disagree. I hope that's where it ends, but I doubt it.

[Mommee & Baba]

My dh's family only knew me for 2 years before we moved far away. They only saw me as a new mommy to a brand new baby. I was young and really immature. My dh & I were just married and were weak. We are 12 years apart and they had 90% influence on everything we did, besides moving away. That's not who we are anymore.

 

We've grown together through faith and being on our own without family support. We have been married almost 10 years now, I've matured, and am what I would say a veteran mom even if I only have 3 kids. :p My dh & I are best friends and almost inseparable. We prefer it this way. This goes for our kids as well.

 

I'm going to pray that we all can learn from one another and be happy as a family even if we all have different views.

 

Our children are thrilled to be moving. I've already spoke to them about the in-laws feelings about the kids being home and both my dd's said, "we'll just have to tell them why we want to be home". I didn't go into gory details but stated very plainly their view. My oldest dd isn't going to be bothered as she has SPD and his family supports her being home. They however don't support my other children being home. But again they don't know my kids and how they are thriving nor should it matter. Now I can say that if my kids were being neglected educationally then I could see their point.

[PrairieSong]

Wow, how awful! I would not want to live near them even if the house were my ultimate dream house complete with maid service and a live in chef. NOT WORTH IT. They are toxic, controlling, and just hateful. They have actually threatened you and been very snidely confident that they will win this battle. You need to do as others have said and not engage at all. Period. If they step over the line, walk away. Personally, I would run far far away. They have no respect for you and your family.

 

If you do end up moving, I would be very careful about complying with all homeschooling laws in your new state, and above and beyond that, have some hard facts like ITBS get scores. Perhaps consider enrolling in an umbrella school if you can find one that suits you. Be very diligent. Keep good records.

 

As others have said, your dh needs to have your back and support you completely. I am so sorry you have to deal with these people.

[Anne in CA]

One area of this whole discussion that bother me is this; if your husband's aunt wants you to trust public school teachers she should be very careful not to talk poorly about home schooling to your children behind your back. If she does so she would be proving the point the public school teachers deliberately undermine responsible parents with their own rhetoric and should not be trusted. I doubt that you are home schooling to avoid bad public school teachers who undermine your decisions to your kids, but it would be another reason not to send the kids to public school if she does such a thing.

[NorthwestMom]

 

If you do end up moving, I would be very careful about complying with all homeschooling laws in your new state, and above and beyond that, have some hard facts like ITBS get scores. Perhaps consider enrolling in an umbrella school if you can find one that suits you. Be very diligent. Keep good records.

 

 

Well, the good news is that Washington is an EXCELLENT state in which to homeschool. The laws are not onerous and there are tons of support groups, classes, and activities. Annual testing is required, but what type of test is up to you, and no scores need to be submitted to your school district. You will not have to submit records. Your in-laws will have no legal issues to hang over your head.

 

Welcome to our state! What city are you moving to?

[Mommee & Baba]

 

 

Well, the good news is that Washington is an EXCELLENT state in which to homeschool. The laws are not onerous and there are tons of support groups, classes, and activities. Annual testing is required, but what type of test is up to you, and no scores need to be submitted to your school district. You will not have to submit records. Your in-laws will have no legal issues to hang over your head.

 

Welcome to our state! What city are you moving to?

 

Thank you!

 

Tri-Cities.

 

My dh has the college needed for us to be able to homeschool but we're even going to have me take the parenting course to just cover all bases!

 

We're in an umbrella school now that's based out if TN. They will continue to be our record keepers while we homeschool in WA. They will not register us like they do for us here in TN, but that's easy for us to ourselves since its just a letter.

[PrairieSong]

 

 

Well, the good news is that Washington is an EXCELLENT state in which to homeschool. The laws are not onerous and there are tons of support groups, classes, and activities. Annual testing is required, but what type of test is up to you, and no scores need to be submitted to your school district. You will not have to submit records. Your in-laws will have no legal issues to hang over your head.

 

Welcome to our state! What city are you moving to?

 

I bet there are lots of moms here from WA, maybe some near your new home! If I were you I'd be looking for a support group so I could make new friends who homeschool.

[gardenmom5]

A good line might be, ", the topic is closed. I won't talk about it with you, Followed by, "It's a closed topic and I'm not listening. You are being rude by bringing it up again.

Also, be sure not to either bring it up yourself, (Yesterday, during math, Jerry said the cutest thing!) or make any effort to defend yourself before you close the topic each time, (Actually, Jerry does know a noun from a pronoun, but I'm not going to talk about it, so stop bringing it up!). If you talk about it at all, either way, then the topic is open. The only way to teach them it's a closed topic is to make it 100% closed.

I aboslutely agree with it being a closed topic. no if's and's or but's. you do not need to give wordy replys. considering how overbearing they are being at a distance, they will be worse up close. be blunt. topic is closed. I won't discuss it with you. end of discussion.

 

 

However he knows that if someone brings it up when he's not around to say how I feel about it and leave it at that, he asked me to not demean or name call but to nicely tell them it's not a concern and when it becomes a concern of OURS we'll handle it.

 

the topic is closed. practice it. they will bring it up, the ONLY reply is 'this topic is closed". end of discussion. anything less invites them to continue to try and finagle their way into your lifestyle.

 

d both my dd's said, "we'll just have to tell them why we want to be home". t.

no, aboslutely NOT. that invites the inlaws into discussion of homeschool with the children and the children do not have the experience to argue the point with adults who are overbearing in their own opinions. if the adults bring the subject up wtih the children, the ONLY response your dd's should make is "let's go talk to my parents now" and then they should IMMEDIATELY seek you out. you need to walk your kids through this process so they will know what to do.

[gardenmom5]

I bet there are lots of moms here from WA, maybe some near your new home! If I were you I'd be looking for a support group so I could make new friends who homeschool.

I'm in wa, but on the westside. I know there are groups on the eastside of the mts and tri-cities.

[Mommee & Baba]

Yes we as a family need to express the "it's not a topic open for discussion". I will begin playing that role now with all of us. I'm always talking about the kids & their achievements and what we do which involves homeschooling since its so much of our lives. This will be something I need to focus on NOT doing, otherwise I'm causing the problems too!

 

As for the kids when they stated they would tell them why they like being home I knew we had to change their way of expressing towards the in-laws. My kids are passionate too so I will focus on teaching them along with myself. If they are asked if they like it should I have them answer or just reply with, "we don't talk about that"...and if they continue to pester my kids have them reply similar, "you have to talk to my parents because its not something we discuss" and have them come find myself or my dh?

 

I would like to find a support group or at least a few families we can get together with for some "socialization". So if anyone is around the Tri-Cities, I'd love to know.

[Mergath]

 

As for the kids when they stated they would tell them why they like being home I knew we had to change their way of expressing towards the in-laws. My kids are passionate too so I will focus on teaching them along with myself. If they are asked if they like it should I have them answer or just reply with, "we don't talk about that"...and if they continue to pester my kids have them reply similar, "you have to talk to my parents because its not something we discuss" and have them come find myself or my dh?

 

 

I would have them say something similar, but not those exact words. To someone who's going to be looking for anything they can to criticize, having your kids say "We don't talk about that," might sound a bit... ominous. Know what I mean? I'd go with something like, "My mom says that you should talk to her if you have any questions about our school."

[KungFuPanda]

Can you make an ally of this aunt? If she hasn't taught in years, explain how the schools are now very test oriented. Mention overcrowding, disappearing recess/PE. Tell her that history and handwriting are no longer taught and that discipline is hard to come by. If she's game, take her along on a field trip. Let her become involved. If you can sway her, SHE may take care of the family for you. Is it possible to contact a homeschooling group in the area and get some support lined up before you get there? Is the school system's scope and sequence online so you can compare your program to theirs?

[WTMCassandra]

I would like to find a support group or at least a few families we can get together with for some "socialization". So if anyone is around the Tri-Cities, I'd love to know.

 

Sent you a PM.

[Ewe Mama]

I would type up a very formal letter addressed to all of dh's family members. In it I would concisely explain my reasons for homeschooling and the fact that homeschooling was a personal, private decision made between dh and myself. It is not open to debate. The topic is not to be raised in my hearing or my children's.

 

I would also state that trying to undermine our personal decision would be dealt with swiftly and that they would lose the privilege of knowing dh, myself, and our children because we choose to surround ourselves with loving, supportive people who respect us and our parenting decisions. If they want to be part of our lives, they play by our rules.

 

If they don't follow my rules, it's their loss. We have done fine without them all these years, we can continue to do so.

 

I would also keep records/notes of questionable comments that they have made just in case DCFS did get a call from them in retaliation.

[WTMCassandra]

I would type up a very formal letter addressed to all of dh's family members. In it I would concisely explain my reasons for homeschooling and the fact that homeschooling was a personal, private decision made between dh and myself. It is not open to debate. The topic is not to be raised in my hearing or my children's.

 

I would also state that trying to undermine our personal decision would be dealt with swiftly and that they would lose the privilege of knowing dh, myself, and our children because we choose to surround ourselves with loving, supportive people who respect us and our parenting decisions. If they want to be part of our lives, they play by our rules.

 

If they don't follow my rules, it's their loss. We have done fine without them all these years, we can continue to do so.

 

I would also keep records/notes of questionable comments that they have made just in case DCFS did get a call from them in retaliation.

 

I have to disagree with sending a very formal letter. I think that would likely exacerbate the situation. I think it is better for the husband, wife, and children to make a very firm plan and expect to implement it immediately when the boundaries are tested (and they WILL be tested, probably right away).

[tex-mex]

why would you move closer to toxic people??????

 

:iagree:

And having been a former public schoolteacher... um... I really do not think that Aunt will change her tune. She is not open to debate. What concerns me is the OP's husband has not been on board with homeschooling for the last 4 years -- and now he is moving his family CLOSER to his relatives who support his POV?? Wow. All I can think is a marriage counselor at this point. It sounds like a set-up for the husband to get his way?

[Ewe Mama]

 

 

I have to disagree with sending a very formal letter. I think that would likely exacerbate the situation. I think it is better for the husband, wife, and children to make a very firm plan and expect to implement it immediately when the boundaries are tested (and they WILL be tested, probably right away).

 

 

But haven't dh's family members already crossed the line? I would want to spell out the boundaries, in writing, so they knew exactly what to expect when they screw up.

[Kirch]

 

This particular aunt & I spoke this afternoon while I was out shopping. In the conversation she asked if I would agree to disagree. I hope that's where it ends, but I doubt it.

 

 

Well, there ya go. She gave you your "out." If she ever tries to bring it up again, very sweetly say, "Oh, wow, Aunt Susy. We agreed to disagree on this, remember?" And then change the subject. You'll still need to keep a sharp eye on her w/your kids, though. I'm glad to read your dh's response--much more encouraging than it sounded like he might be. :)

 

[dangermom]

I would have them say something similar, but not those exact words. To someone who's going to be looking for anything they can to criticize, having your kids say "We don't talk about that," might sound a bit... ominous. Know what I mean? I'd go with something like, "My mom says that you should talk to her if you have any questions about our school."

 

Absolutely spot-on. "We don't talk about that" will result in a call to CPS. "Let's go talk with my mom" or similar would work much better.

[Mommee & Baba]

I would have them say something similar, but not those exact words. To someone who's going to be looking for anything they can to criticize, having your kids say "We don't talk about that," might sound a bit... ominous. Know what I mean? I'd go with something like, "My mom says that you should talk to her if you have any questions about our school."

 

 

Perfect alternative to my horrendous reply! Lol! I'm so at a loss on how to exclude this part of our lives from people. Thanks for the guidance! I totally get what you're saying is wrong with how I put it.

 

Can you make an ally of this aunt? If she hasn't taught in years, explain how the schools are now very test oriented. Mention overcrowding, disappearing recess/PE. Tell her that history and handwriting are no longer taught and that discipline is hard to come by. If she's game, take her along on a field trip. Let her become involved. If you can sway her, SHE may take care of the family for you. Is it possible to contact a homeschooling group in the area and get some support lined up before you get there? Is the school system's scope and sequence online so you can compare your program to theirs?

 

 

There is hope. She hasn't seen a homeschool family first hand, she hasn't seen what we learn & how we learn either. However I'm certain she's always going to think public school is better, but there is hope to show her why this is what's best for our family without words, but with actions she sees.

 

:iagree:

And having been a former public schoolteacher... um... I really do not think that Aunt will change her tune. She is not open to debate. What concerns me is the OP's husband has not been on board with homeschooling for the last 4 years -- and now he is moving his family CLOSER to his relatives who support his POV?? Wow. All I can think is a marriage counselor at this point. It sounds like a set-up for the husband to get his way?

 

 

She may not ever change her strong opinion on public school, but she could see why and how homeschooling works for our family eventually. My siblings, parents, grandparents, & my own husband didn't believe it was best. They are all understanding and actually promote it!

 

My in-laws POV is NOT the same as my dh's. He now supports the decision & would rather our kids be home. But it took 4 years of proof in the pudding for him to ON HIS OWN see & understand it. He's just not opposed to public school if that's what it comes to, but it'd have to be something we agree on together. Again another reason why having me take the parenting course helps me lock in the decision making and not have anyone say I'm using my dh's college credits as a free ride to be allowed to homeschool.

[NotSoObvious]

You can tell her to call me! I was a public school teacher and I'll give her a piece of my mind!!!

 

I would set VERY firm boundaries! She needs to earn your trust! Ugh!