Ok, am I the only one who will not allow sleepovers?

[Peplophoros]

There is an education.com poll going around on Facebook and I simply can't believe the responses I'm reading. Almost everyone is for sleepovers, and thinks that parents who don't like or won't allow them are robbing their kids of their childhood.

 

I'm floored. With all we know now about predators, how absolutely *incapable* we are of spotting them until it's TOO LATE, I will never allow another adult to take care of my child at night. Period.

 

I don't see the point, anyway. I had sleepovers, but they were not a defining part of my childhood, and frankly, there was some sexual experimentation at one (not involving me, but still)...

 

Am I the only one? What says the Hive?

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

We haven't yet, and I would rather not, but if my kids were good friends with a family and we got to know them on a level that I knew I could trust, I would consider it. My kids are still pretty young though, and they don't even know it is an option yet.

[kewb]

It depends on the age and maturity of the child and how well I know the family. We don't allow them that often because I don't feel they are a necessary part of life and I don't like how cranky my kids are the next day but my kids do enjoy them.

[Guest inoubliable]

I think it's...odd...to assume that any sleepover will lead to some sort of violation of your child or some inappropriate sexual experimentation. Know the parents who are hosting the sleepover, know the other children being invited, talk to your kid about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. And if you're dead set against it, then who cares what other parents think?

[Soror]

We haven't done this yet but I will not be forbidding it forever. I had great fun at sleepovers, although I didn't do a ton and there was never any funny business. There are not more child molesters now than before, children can be molested in the day time or at night, if I had doubts as to whether or not a parent was a molester my child wouldn't be with them at any time.

[Joshin]

I think it's...odd...to assume that any sleepover will lead to some sort of violation of your child or some inappropriate sexual experimentation. Know the parents who are hosting the sleepover, know the other children being invited, talk to your kid about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. And if you're dead set against it, then who cares what other parents think?

 

 

I agree with the above. We are pro-sleepover. My eldest goes to them often, my youngest has only slept over at one close friends house. They were the norm when I was growing up and some of my best memories with my childhood friends are from sleepovers. DS12 also camps for a weekend every month without DH or I, and it's his favorite weekend of the month. I consider 10 to be sleepover age except with the exception of our one set of close family friends.

 

I say to each his own, but thus far none of my boys have befriended anyone with anti-sleepover parents.

[Jennifer in MI]

We allow them with people we know well. I loved sleepovers as a kid. LOVED them.

 

But, if you don't want to do them, I wouldn't think less of you!

[Peplophoros]

I"m not assuming sleepovers will result in molestation, but I just think it's a totally unnecessary risk. As HomeschoolMamaOfTwo perhaps more judiciously pointed out, my kids are too young right now so perhaps I'm jumping the gun a bit. Still, the statistics for child sexual abuse are out. of. this. world. and I am loathe to hand physical custody of my child to anyone while he/she gets changed and goes to bed.

[coralloyd]

We allow it with only one family (besides family). My very best friend. I trust her and her husband. Plus, her children have a tendency to follow my children's lead since they are mostly younger. I do not trust easily and I had bad experiences at sleepovers growing up. There is just something about them that causes kids to do things they normally wouldn't.

[Peplophoros]

if I had doubts as to whether or not a parent was a molester my child wouldn't be with them at any time.

 

 

 

But this is exactly my point. No one can spot every molester. There *are* no doubts. As one Hive member put it:

 

 

"My grandfather was a pedophile with many victims, yet I can almost guarantee that any of you would have felt very comfortable having him pay attention to your child. He worked at the local school, tuned skates at the roller rink, and appeared to be a very involved parent and all-round nice guy.

 

He wasn't a nice guy, but it was impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to see that unless you were his victim. To be sadly honest, some of the victims didn't even really figure it out for many years. They covered for him and made excuses for his behavior repeatedly, and ALL of the parents were in the dark."

[NotSoObvious]

We don't do sleepovers for a variety of reasons. There is only one family we've traded with just a few times and we don't live near them anymore.

I have a dd with special needs that make sleepovers less than desirable. She's also impossible the next day. I don't think there is enough supervision at most sleepovers (parties) and my kids are only 10, so I don't think they positively add to a friendship in a way that can't be cultivated otherwise. I had a lot of negative experiences at sleepovers when I was younger.

We aren't anti-sleepover, but they just aren't for us. My girls have both been to sleep away camp though.

 

We DO have our first Girl Scout camp out next weekend and I'm almost breaking out in hives.

 

Have you read Queen Bees and Wanna Bees? Lots to think about.

[NotSoObvious]

TMI

[Guest inoubliable]

I"m not assuming sleepovers will result in molestation, but I just think it's a totally unnecessary risk. As HomeschoolMamaOfTwo perhaps more judiciously pointed out, my kids are too young right now so perhaps I'm jumping the gun a bit. Still, the statistics for child sexual abuse are out. of. this. world. and I am loathe to hand physical custody of my child to anyone while he/she gets changed and goes to bed.

 

 

I get what you're saying - and that's your prerogative. You asked for opinions. My opinion is that your hardline stance could be seen as odd. My opinion is that my children have a shared responsibility for their safety (by a certain age/maturity) and that educating a child on personal safety, good/bad touches, how to say "no" and how to tell a trusted adult when something bad has gone down does more for them than opting out of social experience based on paranoia. JMO.

[Elizabeth in MN]

I don't allow them, though the issue has never come up. My issue is the disinformation that kids can pass around at them, specifically about sex issues.

[Cera]

Sleepovers were one of my favorite parts of childhood and we allow them. I fondly remember summers when I would be gone for two or three nights with a friend and then that girl would come home with me for a couple of nights. The record was in fourth grade when my best friend and I went 12 nights bouncing back and forth between each other's houses. Lot's of great memories were made and nothing bad ever happened. I am selective about who my kids stay with but I absolutely want them to make the same kinds of memories I did as a kid.

[Joker]

My kids only had sleepovers with one close family until oldest dd started middle school. Older dd has had several sleepovers and had lots of fun. We've talked to our dds several times about inappropriate behavior and what to do. I loved my sleepovers growing up and I don't want to keep my dds from experiencing the same.

[hsmom2011]

We do not allow sleepovers, and feel no guilt. Don't the kids see each other enough during daylight hours. I don't think we are robbing them of any great childhood memories. I just do not feel comfortable with it for many of the same reasons listed by the OP.

[Hen]

no, we don't allow it and my oldest is now 17 and not deprived. They do sleep over once in a while at the grandparents, and a few times grandma has had the other cousins there too- so kind of like a sleepover. I was abused by my stepfather and know first-hand you can't pick out the monsters. adding- no, I don't think abuse is likely to happen, but it can...and more forefront in my mind is that a lot of silliness and wrong behavior can happen at sleepovers with other kids. My memories of those things- all the bad trouble we got into, is more the reason I don't allow sleepovers than the abuse I experienced.

[Mom-ninja.]

Dh and I agree that we won't allow them. Dh never had sleepovers and feels he missed nothing. I did and frankly, eh, could've done without them. Fun? Sure, but not essential to my childhood. I don't think I would have missed out on anything spectacular had I not gone to any.

[AimeeM]

We do sleepovers A LOT. Our daughter spends the night with *gasp* a single father and his daughter (his dd is my dd's best friend and also a neighborhood girl). We host her often as well. When dd was in brick and mortar school, we hosted with her other friends or sent her to other homes for sleepovers. Frequently. She adores sleepovers.

I'm not going to shelter from a world of "what ifs". I can't. She plays in the neighborhood until dark, with her friends, floating and riding her bike through through the entire neighborhood (several streets/blocks), she has sleepovers, she can climb trees (even though she isn't very coordinated) and she has a childhood that I hope will build so many good memories, that if something ever WERE to happen to her, it would seem minimal compared to the good memories - so much so that she wouldn't need to live in fear of that bad thing because there was so much else GOOD in her life.

I had sleepovers as a child. Even with boys (like early elementary). Nothing sexual ever happened at any of the overnights. They were a blast and I have so many fond memories of them.

[sparrow]

We allow them with people we know well. I loved sleepovers as a kid. LOVED them.

 

But, if you don't want to do them, I wouldn't think less of you!

 

:iagree: Yep.

 

I don't think it's anything to get too wound up about. Who cares what a FB poll says? You won't allow sleep overs and others will. That's OK :001_smile: .

[Mergath]

I'm floored. With all we know now about predators, how absolutely *incapable* we are of spotting them until it's TOO LATE, I will never allow another adult to take care of my child at night. Period.

 

It can happen just as easily during the day. Going by your logic, the only way to prevent a child from being sexually assaulted is to never, ever allow them to be around another adult without you, and that's just not possible. Are you never going to let your kids go to another child's house to play without you? Go to Sunday school?

 

Our dd is too young, but when she's older, if it's a family I know and trust, and dd is mature and responsible, I won't have a problem. I loved sleepovers as a kid.

[Ewe Mama]

No sleepovers for us either. With five kiddos as close in age as ours are, every night feels like a slumber party. :) I couldn't handle any more fun, excitement, or drama.

[Joanne]

I"m not assuming sleepovers will result in molestation, but I just think it's a totally unnecessary risk. As HomeschoolMamaOfTwo perhaps more judiciously pointed out, my kids are too young right now so perhaps I'm jumping the gun a bit. Still, the statistics for child sexual abuse are out. of. this. world. and I am loathe to hand physical custody of my child to anyone while he/she gets changed and goes to bed.

 

Based on this and your OP, I'd highly encourage you to get educated on the real information regarding predators, and ways to protect your family.

 

I'd begin with the book Protecting The Gift.

 

And, just a hint, you CAN spot a predator before it's too late.

 

As far as the questions in the OP, the assertions in it and premise are not a match for my life orientation. However, I am pro sleepever for my kids. We have hosted more than they've attended, but all 3 of mine have had sleepover fun for years now.

[Farrar]

We do them. I have observed that this board seems to be more anti-sleepover than people I know irl, so I think that's worth noting.

[trinchick]

No sleepovers here, either. My rationale is that it's fine when they're little, but once you allow it you can't put the genie back in the bottle. When they're older, you may want to keep them on a shorter leash, so to speak, but having allowed sleepovers, it's hard to put an end to them. Dd is invited to her first sleepover next weekend, and I've told her she can go to the party but I'm going to pick her up at 9:00.

[ccolopy]

We allow sleepovers. DS would be missing out if we didn't. His baseball and soccer teams have had several team sleepovers over the years and his group of close friends has them all the time. I'm sure his three best friends will sleep here tomorrow night, like they do most Fridays. In the summers, they camp out in the backyard and go on "real" camping trips with DH or one of the other fathers. In this season of his life, sleepovers are very important to DS.

 

DD, so far, has only slept at her cousins' houses and one friend's, but I'm sure she'll go on more as she gets older.

[Stayseeliz]

We only allow sleepovers with grandparents. We used to do sleepovers with my SIL's but we don't now that one is recently married. I'm sure my BIL is great but we've only known him a couple of years. We don't do sleepovers with friends period. I slept over at a friends house when I was younger and was exposed to pornography and other things from her older brother. I just don't think they are necessary and too much can happen.

[somo_chickenlady]

We have only allowed it with our niece who is the same age as DS, no one else.

[catz]

We do them with trusted families. I did many growing up and I had a blast. Nothing inappropriate ever happened. If you don't allow them, fine. But I don't think you can make any sort of judgment on a family who does.

[maddykate]

No sleepovers here. All the fun they need to have can be done before 10pm. Then, home to bed. It works for us.

[besroma]

No sleepovers for us either. With five kiddos as close in age as ours are, every night feels like a slumber party. :) I couldn't handle any more fun, excitement, or drama.

 

 

This. Our kids don't feel like they are missing anything. I also agree with your reasoning, OP.

[DaffodilDreams]

I'm not 100% against sleepovers, but I don't love them. Dd has no desire to sleep over at someone else's yet because she struggles with separation anxiety, but we have had a few sleepovers here. I've pretty much nixed them for now because I don't sleep much with another child in my care, and dd doesn't get a good night's sleep either. We're both grumpy and sick the next day, so it's just not worth it at this point. Hypothetically speaking, though, I would never let her sleep over with a family we aren't extremely close to. Obviously I don't believe I'm robbing her of her childhood. She still has a pretty amazing childhood thing going on!

[chepyl]

My son has had many sleepovers with his cousins. They had a blast at his birthday party, they played board games until midnight, watched a movie and were up and outside at 7:00am. Then both of my kids slept ALL day afterwards. We had a gloriously quiet day to recover!

 

I would have to know the family pretty well before I allowed a sleepover, but they were a big part of my life growing up. My friends and I had monthly sleepovers through high school. We all had varied activities, that is how we made sure we had time for each other.

[SJ.]

My boys are young and we haven't formally decided our stance on this, I think we lean more toward sleepovers being ok with families we know well and trust. I have friends who have a family policy of no sleepovers ever and I pass no judgment on that. I agree with the others who say - who cares what those people think. To be honest, many people online have views that oppose mine. That's ok. :)

 

My only comment on your worry about abusive situations during sleepovers is that abuse can happen any time. It is best to familiarize yourself with warning signs and teach your kids how to find their voice in enforcing boundaries.

[Aspasia]

Our kids are obviously too little for this to be an issue yet, but we lean toward not doing them. Dh wasn't allowed to have them much growing up, and the few times he was, he admits that he and his buddies didn't make the wisest choices. I had lots of sleepovers and they were fun, but we did do some stupid things that terrify me--like sneaking out in the middle of the night to go toilet papering. Oh my gosh! A couple 12 yo girls wandering the neighborhood in the middle of the night!!! Aaaaah! I do agree with pp that kids seem to do foolish things at sleepovers, so that's the biggest reason we don't plan on allowing them.

 

Sexual abuse is always a concern for me, but we would obviously never send our kids to anyone's house overnight if we didn't know the people really, really well.

[Belacqua]

Would you (the collective "you," I guess, as I'm curious about everybody's opinion) consider sleepaway summer camp as a sleepover?

 

I'm not anti-sleepover, but I'm certainly not offended if somebody is. When we had overnight birthday parties, there was one mom who preferred to collect her son at about 11:00; he got to stay up late and have fun at the party with the other kids, but he went home to sleep. He even came back the next morning for waffles, as they lived nearby. Everybody was fine with that, and none of the other kids made an issue of it.

[soonermomma]

We have sleepovers A LOT! Girls on my daughters ball team, cousins and close friends. My kids LOVE it!

[momto10blessings]

We do them with cousins starting around 7-8 and with friends around 10 yrs old.

[KungFuPanda]

There is an education.com poll going around on Facebook and I simply can't believe the responses I'm reading. Almost everyone is for sleepovers, and thinks that parents who don't like or won't allow them are robbing their kids of their childhood.

I'm floored. With all we know now about predators, how absolutely *incapable* we are of spotting them until it's TOO LATE, I will never allow another adult to take care of my child at night. Period.

I don't see the point, anyway. I had sleepovers, but they were not a defining part of my childhood, and frankly, there was some sexual experimentation at one (not involving me, but still)...

Am I the only one? What says the Hive?

 

Yep, you're the only person who is wise enough to weigh all of the facts and come to the correct decision.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I allow them with some trusted family members, but I've put an end to them with friends. The main reason is that my son (age 9.5) comes home tired and is miserable to live with for the next 2-3 days until he adjusts again.

[Sisyphus]

I love sleepovers, and I am so happy we are having the first sleepover since moving with new friends tomorrow!

 

My kids first (non grandparent) sleepover was at 5 (oldest) and 2 (youngest). My oldest came home at midnight, my youngest stayed all night and had pancakes the next morning! It was neighbors.

 

We have a few friends who won't allow sleepovers, and it's fine. But they also don't allow things like Harry potter and pop music and email, so the friendships are a bit stilted since at 14, my son is into those things like most kids. Mostly, I feel sorry for the kids- not for the sleepovers so much, but for the general atmosphere of control and fear they live with. Not that everyone who doesn't like sleepovers is like that- just in our experience, they go together. I'd just be aware of the atmosphere you are creating (your kids are very young yet) and consider that- don't color their childhood with your fears.

[MyLittleWonders]

We don't but not because of the concerns raised by the OP. The kids do sleep over at grandparents, but otherwise, between their food intolerances and their *need* for 10-11 hours of sleep to function civilly the next day, it's best for everyone if they sleep at home.

[Kel & the Kids]

We're considered odd by most. We don't allow sleepovers across the board unless it's with family. But then again we homeschool too among other things, lol, and that's also considered odd by most people I know.

 

I did loads of sleepovers as a kid and what I most remember is a lot fun - learning about things I shouldn't have been learning about ; ) I'm certainly glad no one had access to the internet back then! I guess our friends weren't from the most outstanding families, we were always into something we shouldn't have been.

 

I just tell the kids it'll have to be one more thing they'll need therapy for when they grow up. I wouldn't be a good parent if they didn't have a few issues to work through.

[Trish]

Given the prevalence of child p*orn I can't see how there wouldn't be more predators now than previously. We used to do sleepovers but DID put that genie back in the bottle...simply because my kids were always tired & crabby the next day, and if we hosted, so were we!

[mamatohaleybug]

DD is only allowed to sleepover with her grandparents and some aunts/uncles. No friends and no to some family, too.

 

I saw waaaaaaaay too many negative things during sleepovers growing up. No way, no how for my kiddo, especially because she has some special needs. Don't care what other people think. She's my responsibility and I take that very seriously.

[Joanne]

 

 

But this is exactly my point. No one can spot every molester. There *are* no doubts. As one Hive member put it:

 

 

"My grandfather was a pedophile with many victims, yet I can almost guarantee that any of you would have felt very comfortable having him pay attention to your child. He worked at the local school, tuned skates at the roller rink, and appeared to be a very involved parent and all-round nice guy.

 

He wasn't a nice guy, but it was impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to see that unless you were his victim. To be sadly honest, some of the victims didn't even really figure it out for many years. They covered for him and made excuses for his behavior repeatedly, and ALL of the parents were in the dark."

 

 

The paragraphs contradict each other.

 

And I'm sure I would not have felt comfortable with him; and I would have honored my children's reaction to him, also, if they were icked out.

[AKshanmar]

We always let the kids do sleepovers. While we had none of the extreme problems that causes parents to have heart attacks, we did suffers all the little inconveniences of grumpy kids, and wasted days the day after! That made me wish that we had said "no" at the very beginning!

[Jenny in Florida]

We haven't done this yet but I will not be forbidding it forever. I had great fun at sleepovers, although I didn't do a ton and there was never any funny business. There are not more child molesters now than before, children can be molested in the day time or at night, if I had doubts as to whether or not a parent was a molester my child wouldn't be with them at any time.

 

 

Exactly.

 

Last time I checked (and it's not like I keep up on the research), a child was more likely to be molested by a family member than a stranger.

 

Look, we don't willy nilly send our kids out with a sleeping bag to some unknown address and wave bye bye. But a night here or there at the home of a friend? Or having friends spend the night here? Kids love doing it. It's fun. It's harmless. I don't understand the paranoia.

[Alenee]

The paragraphs contradict each other.

 

And I'm sure I would not have felt comfortable with him; and I would have honored my children's reaction to him, also, if they were icked out.

 

 

No, the paragraphs don't disagree. One comes from the point of being on the outside and the other, from having finally figured it out (or from being the victim while no one else had a clue).

 

Although, having said that, I still wouldn't give a blanket "no sleepovers" because of this fear.