How would you handle this... bday party question

[labst60]

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Edited September 2, 2012 by labst60
Deleted as promised.

[dollhouse]

It sounds to me like she was just trying to provide full disclosure, not take over your dd's party. I think it would be in good taste to sing "happy birthday" to the other little girl and have a gift for her (and give it to her when the party is over), but otherwise proceed as planned.

 

Happy birthday to your dd!

[somo_chickenlady]

I wouldn't share it. You didn't know when the other child's birthday was when you decided on a date, and honestly that isn't your problem. It's not like you did it deliberately. She chooses not to do parties, but she can't prevent other people from throwing them. Have fun, and celebrate YOUR dd's birthday! :)

[KungFuPanda]

Your Dd is having a birthday party - turning 5- there are about 12-14 kids coming ages 2-9.

 

In an rsvp one of the moms who is coming with her 2-3 kiddos mentions that the day of the party is also her dc's bday - turning 7. She said she is "really trying to explain to dc that the party is not for her and she "thinks it will be ok"".

 

I knew the bdays were close, but I had no idea the chosen party date (a few days after Dd's bday) was this child's bday.

 

FWIW, This family choses not to have parties for their dc. It is a choice not a financial concern.

 

What would you do? I REALLY don't want this to turn into a "joint party". This party is for my middle dd. Middle dd needs to share EVERYTHING with either big sis or little sis and so little in this world is about HER, kwim? She and I have been working on and planning all the "details" of the party for a few weeks now because she has really enjoyed getting "excited" about it my testing cake recipes with me, making invitations, pickign party favors, centerpeices, etc. The other DC is muuuuuch more assertive than my DD (not in a bad way - more that my DD is extrememly shy and planning this party for her friends has been good for her social development.)

 

I HAAAAAATE that I even sound like a scrooge here, I really do - but DD has had to share every birthday in the past with an Aunt- and this is the first year we live away and the first year her bday is HERS and now I fear that this other child (and I guess her parents) will try to make it about the OTHER child b/c it is actually her bday, kwim?

 

WWYD??

 

I may delete this later b/c I'm just paranoid like that :-)

 

I'd just take it as a heads-up that ths girl could have a meltdown. I'd consider myself warned and go on with the party as planned.

 

I'd be tempted to pull out a special cupcake and have the crowd sing one more time AFTER your daughter blows out her candles. Run it by your dd. she may enjoy planning one more detail. If she squirms, you can scrap that idea. However, I wouldn't turn it into a joint party any other way.

Edited September 2, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[labst60]

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Edited September 2, 2012 by labst60

[Ann]

Maybe it is just me but I just read it that she was giving you a heads up if her kid decided to say something about it being her party too. I didn't get the feeling she wanted to share your dd's birthday. I could see a little kid thinking it was their party since it is actually on her birthday. I say relax and enjoy, wish the child a happy birthday at some point and just be prepared that the kid might need reminders that it is not her birthday party.

[labst60]

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Edited September 2, 2012 by labst60

[QueenCat]

See update in original post. :-)

 

I will wish the little girl a happy bday - and in addition to the goody bag, I will have a small gift for her to take home even though they sent no gift when it was DD (who did not have a party)'s bday.

 

And please let me just say again, I am normally NOOOOT this petty. It's just I have been working for the past few months to break the chain of these particular folks taking repeated advantage of me - I am not opening that door again.

 

I don't think you are being petty. I'd give the little gift quietly, away from the party chaos so that other parents don't feel like they should have done something for this other child too.

[besroma]

I don't think you are being petty. I'd give the little gift quietly, away from the party chaos so that other parents don't feel like they should have done something for this other child too.

 

:iagree:.

 

....and I do not think you are being a Scrooge. I think it is nice that you are including the other child and are trying to figure out a way to make this work without sabotaging all of the work you have put into making this a special day for your daughter.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

As someone who grew up in a church that believed celebrating birthdays is wrong my grandmother/guardian would have been upset if someone had tried to include me/sing to me at another person's party. But then, we never did go to other people's birthday parties.

 

I wouldn't do anything for the other child. That is their parent's choice and you should respect that. This is about your daughter, keep it that.

 

ETA: after reading the other posts it would have been very awkward for me to have received a gift in that situation. I get that you're trying to think of the other child's feelings, but if the parents have made this choice you could be putting them in an uncomfortable spot with their kid. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Edited September 2, 2012 by theYoungerMrsWarde

[mom2samlibby]

I don't think I would even give the other child a gift. Would you do that if the party wouldn't happen to be on her birthday?

[ondreeuh]

Would it really be in bad taste to email the mom back and say, "I'm glad you all can come. Thank you for the heads-up about it being your daughter's birthday as well. I didn't know that when I planned the party! This party is actually kind of a big deal to our family because it is the first time our dd will be having her own party - being the middle child and sharing a birthday with her aunt has meant she's always needed to share. I hope you understand if we don't make a big point of celebrating your dd's birthday at this party. We'd love to get together separately if you'd like your dd to have her own celebration."

 

That's what I would do. It's honest, and if she doesn't like it ... then she might figure out on her own that you two are not compatible as friends.

[mom2samlibby]

Would it really be in bad taste to email the mom back and say, "I'm glad you all can come. Thank you for the heads-up about it being your daughter's birthday as well. I didn't know that when I planned the party! This party is actually kind of a big deal to our family because it is the first time our dd will be having her own party - being the middle child and sharing a birthday with her aunt has meant she's always needed to share. I hope you understand if we don't make a big point of celebrating your dd's birthday at this party. We'd love to get together separately if you'd like your dd to have her own celebration."

 

That's what I would do. It's honest, and if she doesn't like it ... then she might figure out on her own that you two are not compatible as friends.

 

:iagree: I would do this.

[Starr]

Your Dd is having a birthday party - turning 5- there are about 12-14 kids coming ages 2-9.

 

In an rsvp one of the moms who is coming with her 2-3 kiddos mentions that the day of the party is also her dc's bday - turning 7. She said she is "really trying to explain to dc that the party is not for her and she "thinks it will be ok"".

 

I knew the bdays were close, but I had no idea the chosen party date (a few days after Dd's bday) was this child's bday.

 

FWIW, This family choses not to have parties for their dc. It is a choice not a financial concern.

 

What would you do? I REALLY don't want this to turn into a "joint party". This party is for my middle dd. Middle dd needs to share EVERYTHING with either big sis or little sis and so little in this world is about HER, kwim? She and I have been working on and planning all the "details" of the party for a few weeks now because she has really enjoyed getting "excited" about it my testing cake recipes with me, making invitations, pickign party favors, centerpeices, etc. The other DC is muuuuuch more assertive than my DD (not in a bad way - more that my DD is extrememly shy and planning this party for her friends has been good for her social development.)

 

I HAAAAAATE that I even sound like a scrooge here, I really do - but DD has had to share every birthday in the past with an Aunt- and this is the first year we live away and the first year her bday is HERS and now I fear that this other child (and I guess her parents) will try to make it about the OTHER child b/c it is actually her bday, kwim?

 

WWYD??

 

I may delete this later b/c I'm just paranoid like that :-)

 

ETA: So I sounded too nice in my original post. What I really wanted to say is- I dont want to sing to anyone other than Dd at her party. Perhaps that makes me a horrible person, so be it. But I do need help crafting a response for when her parents say (and they will) do you think it would be okay if we sing to XXX also since today is her actual bday. Fwiw, she only knows one other child at the party - so it's not like we are all one big group of friends.

 

That sounds difficult if she asks in front of the children. :tongue_smilie:

[labst60]

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Edited September 2, 2012 by labst60

[labst60]

Andrea - thank you! That is a great idea!

[Ghee]

I would try to give her a heads up before the party, if you are pretty sure they are going to try to insert their DD into the birthday kid spot. I find that weird, by the way, they won't give her a party...but they will want you to make some of the celebration about her? Who are these people?! I'd go

With the letter, mentioned above, or even go so far as to say "Wow, I didn't realize that was the actual day of her birthday. I can see how she might have a hard time with that, I'll understand if you think she will be upset that the spotlight is on my DD and feel she shouldn't come. We could just catch y'all later."

[QueenCat]

DH has now listened to the voicemail and assured me he would handle any issues and I should just go back to enjoying everything with DD. :-)

 

:hurray:Sounds like a great plan, your dh is awesome!

[labst60]

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Edited September 2, 2012 by labst60

[xixstar]

I don't do kids birthday parties but we do celebrate and I am glad dd is invited to parties; hosting partiest just isn't my thing. I wouldn't want to give up dd's special day but I also couldn't not recognize the little girls bday either. I would have a special cupcake for her or something but I wouldnt feel the need to have everyone sing either. I would just present it after blowing out the candles or something like that because I like making kids feel special and I think birthdays are special. But I understand why you don't want to do anything either, just saying how I would handle it. I also make an extra cake at my dd's birthday family celebration (not a party :) ) for her aunt and myself who have birthdays the same week but we only sing for dd.

[amey311]

At baby Dd's party in the winter, the mom asked me if she could take all my leftover food to a party she was throwing for work later in the day. In fairness, she offerd to pay me - but it was still so weird to ask me that AT THE PARTY. That way, she said, she wouldn't need to stop at the store on the way to the party she was throwing for work that night.

 

:001_huh:

I really need to stop being surprised by people. It's hard, though, when weird stuff like this happens.

 

Maybe you need to offer party planning services for her :lol: Might be a simple way to make a little extra cash :)

[NorthwestMom]

I have dealt with crazy parents, once one who wanted to "join" our birthday party and celebrate their daughter whose birthday was a week later; another who was offended that our party was "too big" since we invited the whole class, and declined; when she discovered nearly every other child was going, she frantically called the morning of the party to see if her DD could come anyway (we said yes). I know how incredibly annoying these parents can be. You have my deepest sympathy on this.

 

The thing is, as annoying as the parents are, and as much as it might disappoint your DD (although I think you might be projecting a bit here) - can you have some compassion for a child whose parents refuse to host a birthday party for her simply because they don't want to? And now the child has to choose between attending a party (which she will NOT be given) on her own birthday, or she has to choose to miss the fun party and have NOTHING.

 

And you don't want to sing to a child? A 7yo?

 

Please. Re-think this. She is innocent in all of this. Please don't hurt her because it might take an iota of attention away from your child. I mean this sincerely - your child already won the parent lottery. :001_smile: She is already getting more positive attention than this child is getting at home. Please, think of this child and sing her the song and give her a cupcake. I beg you.

[besroma]

This is very close to DH's take. His take is no one is twisting their arm and makign them come. So, if they decide to come to DD's party they need to acecpt it's DD's party.

 

And I agree it is weird. At baby Dd's party in the winter, the mom asked me if she could take all my leftover food to a party she was throwing for work later in the day. In fairness, she offerd to pay me - but it was still so weird to ask me that AT THE PARTY. That way, she said, she wouldn't need to stop at the store on the way to the party she was throwing for work that night. Hmmm... So after that, nothing would phase me!

 

 

Hurray for DH!

 

Now, regarding the other mom..... :001_huh:

[justLisa]

Oh geez it's late and I don't have my glasses on. I'm just posting to say when I first saw this I read "How would you handle this BODY PART question." :lol:

 

I need my glasses

[Desert Rat]

 

DH has now listened to the voicemail and assured me he would handle any issues and I should just go back to enjoying everything with DD. :-)

 

What a wonderful man! My dh is very similar. One of the many reasons I truly adore him. :001_smile:

[HeidiKC]

I don't think she was trying to get you to do a joint party, just a heads-up in case the girl said anything about it being her birthday, etc. I would not provide any gift for the girl or anything like that.

 

I do think it might be nice to ask your DD what she thinks about singing to her...if the girl mentions it. But I wouldn't do it right after your daughter's - maybe later on. But even then I don't think you're at all obligated, and it would be REALLY rude if the other mom asked you to do it. I'd be so surprised if she did that. Like you said - the girl is 7. Plenty old to understand this is not her party. Her family should make a big deal of her day beforehand, etc.

[cindergretta]

I have dealt with crazy parents, once one who wanted to "join" our birthday party and celebrate their daughter whose birthday was a week later; another who was offended that our party was "too big" since we invited the whole class, and declined; when she discovered nearly every other child was going, she frantically called the morning of the party to see if her DD could come anyway (we said yes). I know how incredibly annoying these parents can be. You have my deepest sympathy on this.

 

The thing is, as annoying as the parents are, and as much as it might disappoint your DD (although I think you might be projecting a bit here) - can you have some compassion for a child whose parents refuse to host a birthday party for her simply because they don't want to? And now the child has to choose between attending a party (which she will NOT be given) on her own birthday, or she has to choose to miss the fun party and have NOTHING.

 

And you don't want to sing to a child? A 7yo?

 

Please. Re-think this. She is innocent in all of this. Please don't hurt her because it might take an iota of attention away from your child. I mean this sincerely - your child already won the parent lottery. :001_smile: She is already getting more positive attention than this child is getting at home. Please, think of this child and sing her the song and give her a cupcake. I beg you.

 

I read through this thread, trying to sort out my own personal feelings and not really sure how *I* would approach this situation were it happening with one of my dc. I love what you wrote. It works for me. I have never regretted acting out of sheer kindness, even when it wasn't deserved, if that makes sense. And I can see that *for me* in this case, too.

 

Birthdays are HUGE deal in our family. We are a large family and we have extended family living all around us. For me, it is so uber important that my child feel, truly feel, special and like the center of the universe for that one day each year because it ain't happenin' any other time... :tongue_smilie: But even with that, including someone else for a moment or two... What a gift, for the other child AND for my child. (Our birthdays for our dds are 4/5 & 4/7, and 8/8 & 8/20. One dd shares a birthday with a special needs uncle. It is *hard* to get special attention around these parts! :lol: )

 

I forgot to add that I think your dh is awesome!! Anytime a hubby tells the wifey to relax and let him handle the tough parts, well, that's loooooove in my book! ;)

[HeidiKC]

Would it really be in bad taste to email the mom back and say, "I'm glad you all can come. Thank you for the heads-up about it being your daughter's birthday as well. I didn't know that when I planned the party! This party is actually kind of a big deal to our family because it is the first time our dd will be having her own party - being the middle child and sharing a birthday with her aunt has meant she's always needed to share. I hope you understand if we don't make a big point of celebrating your dd's birthday at this party. We'd love to get together separately if you'd like your dd to have her own celebration."

 

That's what I would do. It's honest, and if she doesn't like it ... then she might figure out on her own that you two are not compatible as friends.

 

:iagree: Except I don't think I'd word it like "if we don't make a big point of celebrating your dd's birthday" because she might think "just singing" isn't making a big point. I think I'd take the word "big" out!

[labst60]

I

 

And you don't want to sing to a child? A 7yo?

 

Please. Re-think this. She is innocent in all of this. Please don't hurt her because it might take an iota of attention away from your child. I mean this sincerely - your child already won the parent lottery. :001_smile: She is already getting more positive attention than this child is getting at home. Please, think of this child and sing her the song and give her a cupcake. I beg you.

 

 

I know you are right - hence why I feel so conflicted. For any other family we invited, this would be such a non issue to me.

 

I can just see this particular child whining "but it's MY REAL birthday" and her parents completely unwilling to actually parent in that situation and looking to ME to solve the problem by making it special for their DD since they didn't want to be bothered.

 

If she isn't whiny and parents aren't pushy, maybe it won't seem like such a big deal on the day of?

[cindergretta]

I know you are right - hence why I feel so conflicted. For any other family we invited, this would be such a non issue to me.

 

I can just see this particular child whining "but it's MY REAL birthday" and her parents completely unwilling to actually parent in that situation and looking to ME to solve the problem by making it special for their DD since they didn't want to be bothered.

 

If she isn't whiny and parents aren't pushy, maybe it won't seem like such a big deal on the day of?

 

I think that is true, if it happens naturally and doesn't feel forced upon you. :grouphug: (I have a hard time holding young children responsible for behavior and feelings for which they haven't been taught better.)

[Carol in Cal.]

I would probably say something like, Wow, what a coincidence! I totally understand if you'd rather have your family do something else that day, although of course we would miss you. Just let me know.

 

IOW, I would take it like they were not really sure about coming, rather than that they want a joint party.

 

Also, I wonder if when the mom said that she would never go to that much trouble to host a kid's party, maybe she meant that as a backhanded compliment. That's how I 'hear' it, anyway.

 

People are so weird about courtesy. I had a party for my DD where a mother came in and raided the kitchen, like she was offended that I wasn't serving lunch earlier than I had said on the invitation, even though I had chips and two kinds of homemade dip on the tables. Another time a mom got furious with me because I wasn't have the children each give their personal gift to DD, but rather was reading the cards aloud (not so easy with a bunch of 5 year olds) and giving them to her to open myself. I was insistent because I knew that some of the kids had not brought gifts and I hated the idea of a line up where that would be conspicuous.

 

Another time the party was at a local park, and it was clearly not a drop off party--the invitations said 'you and your family'. But this mother called the morning of the party, and wanted to work that day and wanted to drop off all the kids and insisted on knowing when I would and wouldn't be responsible for them. It was so awkward. I told her that I was really busy with the food and hosting and that if one of the other moms was willing to take responsibility for the littles, that was fine, but that I just couldn't do it. Then she wanted to know who all was coming, which is reasonable, but lengthy (the morning OF!) and then she wanted to know what time everyone was leaving. I said that we were not setting a time, and that we would be there until at least 4. But she was worried that if she came at 4 and others were staying longer it was unfair to her kids. At this point I had had it. I told her that I was not able to commit to leaving at a particular time, and that I always have openended finish times so that people can enjoy themselves freely, and that this makes the party fun for me, and that she needed to use her own judgment. She was annoyed.

 

It's frustrating when you're being nice and hosting freely and others get aggravated because you're not using their pattern.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Carol in Cal.

[NorthwestMom]

I can just see this particular child whining "but it's MY REAL birthday" and her parents completely unwilling to actually parent in that situation and looking to ME to solve the problem by making it special for their DD since they didn't want to be bothered.

 

 

Ugh. Again, trust me that I do understand how annoying this is. That's why I would plan ahead how to appropriately acknowledge the child while limiting the crazy of the parent.

 

I would proactively sing the birthday song to her immediately after we sing to my DD, and I would have a special cupcake with a candle for her to blow out. I would have a wrapped birthday gift that I would have DD give her as she left. That's it. I would do that because she is only a child whose parents seem to have strange social skills. I would acknowledge her on her birthday.

 

If she tried to assert more privilege than that during the party, I would say, "You can <insert whatever she demands> when you have your own party, but this is DD's." You won't look like a grinch because you WILL have acknowledged that it IS her birthday - just not her party. Put it right back on her parents. "Maybe your mom and dad can do that for you next year."

 

Good luck.

[NorthwestMom]

It's frustrating when you're being nice and hosting freely and others get aggravated because you're not using their pattern.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Tidbits of Learning]

Your Dd is having a birthday party - turning 5- there are about 12-14 kids coming ages 2-9.

 

In an rsvp one of the moms who is coming with her 2-3 kiddos mentions that the day of the party is also her dc's bday - turning 7. She said she is "really trying to explain to dc that the party is not for her and she "thinks it will be ok"".

 

I knew the bdays were close, but I had no idea the chosen party date (a few days after Dd's bday) was this child's bday.

 

FWIW, This family choses not to have parties for their dc. It is a choice not a financial concern.

 

What would you do? I REALLY don't want this to turn into a "joint party". This party is for my middle dd. Middle dd needs to share EVERYTHING with either big sis or little sis and so little in this world is about HER, kwim? She and I have been working on and planning all the "details" of the party for a few weeks now because she has really enjoyed getting "excited" about it my testing cake recipes with me, making invitations, pickign party favors, centerpeices, etc. The other DC is muuuuuch more assertive than my DD (not in a bad way - more that my DD is extrememly shy and planning this party for her friends has been good for her social development.)

 

I HAAAAAATE that I even sound like a scrooge here, I really do - but DD has had to share every birthday in the past with an Aunt- and this is the first year we live away and the first year her bday is HERS and now I fear that this other child (and I guess her parents) will try to make it about the OTHER child b/c it is actually her bday, kwim?

 

WWYD??

 

I may delete this later b/c I'm just paranoid like that :-)

 

ETA: So I sounded too nice in my original post. What I really wanted to say is- I dont want to sing to anyone other than Dd at her party. Perhaps that makes me a horrible person, so be it. But I do need help crafting a response for when her parents say (and they will) do you think it would be okay if we sing to XXX also since today is her actual bday. Fwiw, she only knows one other child at the party - so it's not like we are all one big group of friends.

 

I would politely inform the other mom that you didn't realize it was her child's actual birthday and that they should feel in no way obligated to come to your dd's party and that you understand that they probably have special plans for their child's birthday.

I would sort of leave it as an uninviting and hope they get the hint.

[Starr]

My guess is that your dd is going to love her party no matter what happens. :) The less she hears about all this the more she will focus on her own friends and how fun it is. I often am less generous than my kids.

[SKL]

I think the mom was just doing the "full disclosure" thing. It would have been awkward for them to tell you "at" the party that it was their kid's birthday, right? This way you know they are NOT expecting you to make the party about their kid (any more than it's about any other kid at the party).

 

I would not make a fuss about this child's birthday, but I'd acknowledge it the same way I would if there wasn't a birthday party going on. There's nothing wrong with a 7yo wanting to feel a little special on his birthday.

 

Obviously the parents didn't plan this on purpose. You don't need to change your big plans.

 

One thing I would note is that your daughter also needs to understand that there are more than 365 people in the world, and therefore every day is the birthday of many people. If you think she's likely to be upset at the fact that there is another "birthday child" at her party, I think you should prepare her and make sure she goes in with a healthy attitude. Maybe you could get her excited about planning a mini surprise such as a special cupcake for the "other" birthday girl.

[SKL]

After reading some of the comments, I'm a little taken aback. So if I don't throw my kid a birthday party, this is what you think of me bringing my kid to yours? Thanks for the heads up.

 

There may be many reasons for a mom not to throw a birthday party. Maybe she doesn't bake, maybe she works 7-day weeks, maybe she has a difficult situation in her home that isn't conducive to parties. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with that level of materialism, or her kid has too many toys already, or it's against her religion. Maybe she doesn't want her ex or mother-in-law to show up. Why is it anyone else's issue? I'm sure each family knows how to make their own child feel special regardless of what everyone else does.

[vonfirmath]

My mother didn't hold parties for me growing up. I didn't care. I liked what we did. I still loved going to the few friends' parties who DID invite me.

 

Really, it was only as an adult I looked back an went "Why didn't they ever throw me a party?" (Only to discover they DID -- when I was 5 and 6 and I don't remember them at ALL. Yes, they have pictures. That's how much impression they made.)

[Tap]

As someone who grew up in a church that believed celebrating birthdays is wrong my grandmother/guardian would have been upset if someone had tried to include me/sing to me at another person's party. But then, we never did go to other people's birthday parties.

 

I wouldn't do anything for the other child. That is their parent's choice and you should respect that. This is about your daughter, keep it that.

 

ETA: after reading the other posts it would have been very awkward for me to have received a gift in that situation. I get that you're trying to think of the other child's feelings, but if the parents have made this choice you could be putting them in an uncomfortable spot with their kid. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

:iagree:

 

If the mom prompts a birthday song, sing it with a smile, but don't mention or start a joint celebration yourself..

 

 

I would only buy the girl a gift it that is what you normally do for this family.

[Mama Geek]

After reading some of the comments, I'm a little taken aback. So if I don't throw my kid a birthday party, this is what you think of me bringing my kid to yours? Thanks for the heads up.

 

There may be many reasons for a mom not to throw a birthday party. Maybe she doesn't bake, maybe she works 7-day weeks, maybe she has a difficult situation in her home that isn't conducive to parties. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with that level of materialism, or her kid has too many toys already, or it's against her religion. Maybe she doesn't want her ex or mother-in-law to show up. Why is it anyone else's issue? I'm sure each family knows how to make their own child feel special regardless of what everyone else does.

 

There is way more history involved than the other mother not throwing a birthday party. I really think the history is what is at issue here.

[Cassy]

There is way more history involved than the other mother not throwing a birthday party. I really think the history is what is at issue here.

 

The history is with the mother, not the child. I can remember adults when I was a child who said and did things that were hurtful to me that really had nothing to do with me, but with other dynamics going on among adults; I still feel annoyed about it. I can also remember adults who were incredibly kind and warm to me, despite being on the receiving end of a lot of venom from my mother; those people still have a very special place in my heart.

 

FWIW, I don't think the OP should make it a joint party, but for the sake of the child I would go out of my way to make the child feel special, if only for 10 minutes.

[labst60]

There is way more history involved than the other mother not throwing a birthday party. I really think the history is what is at issue here.

 

:iagree: This exactly. And I'm sorry if it came off to "non party" moms any other way. She has Veralized to me that she just doesn't want to be bothered. She also doesn't want to be bothered watching her kids after school every day - so they get scooted over to my house (and I've finally gotten "strong" enough to say NO".

 

it's not about her chosing to not have parties. Two of our best friends where we used to be from weren't 'into" having parties for their kids for various reasons. I never for a second judged them or would have been uncomfortable in this situation. They weren't "using' type people and they wouldn't have postured themselves to "benefit' from the situation.

 

**I** enjoy the planning and throwing of birthday parties for my kids. That's just something we ENJOY doing together, so we do it. Lots of other families enjoy doing different things together- and honestly we love the planning and putting it together just as much if not more than the party. But it's not everyone's thing - any good parent makes an effort to show their kids they are special (and not just on their bday), and we all do it in different ways.

[CountitallJoy]

I have dealt with crazy parents, once one who wanted to "join" our birthday party and celebrate their daughter whose birthday was a week later; another who was offended that our party was "too big" since we invited the whole class, and declined; when she discovered nearly every other child was going, she frantically called the morning of the party to see if her DD could come anyway (we said yes). I know how incredibly annoying these parents can be. You have my deepest sympathy on this.

 

The thing is, as annoying as the parents are, and as much as it might disappoint your DD (although I think you might be projecting a bit here) - can you have some compassion for a child whose parents refuse to host a birthday party for her simply because they don't want to? And now the child has to choose between attending a party (which she will NOT be given) on her own birthday, or she has to choose to miss the fun party and have NOTHING.

 

And you don't want to sing to a child? A 7yo?

 

Please. Re-think this. She is innocent in all of this. Please don't hurt her because it might take an iota of attention away from your child. I mean this sincerely - your child already won the parent lottery. :001_smile: She is already getting more positive attention than this child is getting at home. Please, think of this child and sing her the song and give her a cupcake. I beg you.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[bobbeym]

Would you normally celebrate this DC's birthday if it wasn't occurring on your DD's party date? If so, I would ask DD if she'd like to offer the other DC's family to stay a little after the party, give the DC a small gift and special cupcake and then sing to her with just your and her family in attendance. That keeps the focus on your DD and still acknowledges the DC.

[susankenny]

I would just say, "Thanks for the heads up." Then I'd move forward as planned.

 

They are choosing to come to your party on the little girl's birthday.

They are choosing to not have a party (annual parties) for her.

 

 

Really, it is not a burden for you to carry. Acknowledge the little girl's birthday when she arrives with a hug and a, "Happy Birthday!". But I would not include her in the birthday song. I would only give a gift to her if that is something you would do anyway & I would present it when she is leaving.

 

 

Susan

[Soror]

I would just say, "Thanks for the heads up." Then I'd move forward as planned.

 

They are choosing to come to your party on the little girl's birthday.

They are choosing to not have a party (annual parties) for her.

 

 

Really, it is not a burden for you to carry. Acknowledge the little girl's birthday when she arrives with a hug and a, "Happy Birthday!". But I would not include her in the birthday song. I would only give a gift to her if that is something you would do anyway & I would present it when she is leaving.

 

 

Susan

:iagree::bigear::iagree:

[Night Elf]

Will your birthday girl be receiving gifts from the other kids? That's what I would worry about. If you sing Happy Birthday to this girl directly after you sing it to your dd, she will probably expect a cake that has candles to blow out. She might also be surprised if your dd gets a pile of gifts and she doesn't get anything.

 

Really, I don't think it's rude to not plan anything special for this girl. If she says it's her birthday, you can say 'Really? Happy Birthday!' and them move away.

 

I don't see that there is anything you can do here. Just be prepared for the worst, this girl expecting all the perks of a birthday party, and be ready to put out the little fires that might ensue. Maybe there won't be any problem at all. :)

[susankenny]

I know you are right - hence why I feel so conflicted. For any other family we invited, this would be such a non issue to me.

 

I can just see this particular child whining "but it's MY REAL birthday" and her parents completely unwilling to actually parent in that situation and looking to ME to solve the problem by making it special for their DD since they didn't want to be bothered.

 

If she isn't whiny and parents aren't pushy, maybe it won't seem like such a big deal on the day of?

 

If this occurs, you can sing to her later, after you have sang to your daughter first and she has made her wish. Then take a slice of cake with a few candles for the other little girl and have everyone sing to her afterward. Don't share the song on your child's first birthday independent of others UNLESS she suggest it. Really. Don't do that.

 

 

Susan

[susankenny]

Will your birthday girl be receiving gifts from the other kids? That's what I would worry about. If you sing Happy Birthday to this girl directly after you sing it to your dd, she will probably expect a cake that has candles to blow out. She might also be surprised if your dd gets a pile of gifts and she doesn't get anything.

 

Really, I don't think it's rude to not plan anything special for this girl. If she says it's her birthday, you can say 'Really? Happy Birthday!' and them move away.

 

I don't see that there is anything you can do here. Just be prepared for the worst, this girl expecting all the perks of a birthday party, and be ready to put out the little fires that might ensue. Maybe there won't be any problem at all. :)

 

I like your idea even better!! Yes, don't take on the burden of this child's birthday party that her mom refuses to give. Ridiculous.

 

Susan

[Rebecca VA]

You know, if you're *not* going to do anything for the little girl (and I don't blame you; her mom is being presumptuous), I'd at least warn the other mom not to expect anything. The last thing you want is for the child to melt down and her mother to accuse you of insensitivity in front of the other guests.