Wording: "Ground Rules" for overbearing in-laws

[rgrin]

My in-laws are wonderful people. We love them to death and they are always trying to help. But their idea of "help" doesn't always line up with ours. They live across the country, and only get to visit twice a year. My FIL also has many medical issues (multiple transplants, heart surgeries, diabetes, and more) so he really feels the need to be a part of my children's lives for the time he has left. Since they are retired, and travel costs so much, they generally try to make the most of their trips by making them longer. Their visit last spring was 6 weeks. Now they're looking at visiting for 7-8 weeks over Thanksgiving and Christmas. They have their camper parked in our yard, so other than using our laundry room, they really aren't in our space and in our way. But, they are somewhat overbearing. I don't begrudge their desire to spend time with the boys, but we've got to lay down some ground rules before this visit to keep some sanity and peace in our house. The holidays are crazy enough as it is! Please review these and give me your opinions/advice.

 

1. Drinks and Snacks

- All drinks and snacks must be approved by ___ or ___. (DH or me)

- No drinks or snacks are to be given without ___ or ___ approving the time and quantity.

- Forbidden items:

 

Chocolate/Strawberry milk

Juice/Kool-aid

Cookies/Fig Newtons

"Fruit Snacks"

Cereal bars/Nutrigrain bars

Sugary cereal

 

 

 

2. Time & Schedule

- The boys' school and chores will be done from 8:30 to 12:00. Please do not interrupt.

- The boys' bedtime (lights out) is at 9:00. Baths and bedtime stories need to be done before that time.

- School breaks have been scheduled during the week of Thanksgiving and the week of Christmas. Any outings should be scheduled during those weeks or after 12:00 on regular school days.

 

3. Discipline & Authority

- ___'s and ___'s (DH's and my) word is final. Undermining our authority will not be tolerated.

- No interfering with our form(s) of discipline.

- No comments or discussion about our discipline methods in front of the boys. If you must question, do so in private.

 

 

ETA: Oh, my. I meant to post this on the General Board! So sorry!!!

Edited August 30, 2012 by rgrin

[Carol in Cal.]

1. Drinks and Snacks

- All drinks and snacks must be approved by ___ or ___. (DH or me)

- No drinks or snacks are to be given without ___ or ___ approving the time and quantity.

- Forbidden items:

 

Chocolate/Strawberry milk

Juice/Kool-aid

Cookies/Fig Newtons

"Fruit Snacks"

Cereal bars/Nutrigrain bars

Sugary cereal

 

 

Comment: I think defining forbidden food is reasonable, but I also think that you should let them know what is allowed and what is encouraged. And, I think that it's a little much to be the constant gatekeeper, unless there are food allergies involved. If the issue is nutrition, define what they can and can't have. If it's timing, define your acceptable and unacceptable times. Say that anything other than that has to go through you. Otherwise, you're setting up a lot of discussions that you probably don't want to have, over something that is less important than your other issues.

 

2. Time & Schedule

- The boys' school and chores will be done from 8:30 to 12:00. Please do not interrupt.

- The boys' bedtime (lights out) is at 9:00. Baths and bedtime stories need to be done before that time.

- School breaks have been scheduled during the week of Thanksgiving and the week of Christmas. Any outings should be scheduled during those weeks or after 12:00 on regular school days.

 

Comment: This is good, except that I think you should lighten up on the outings schedule just a bit. Nothing impulsive, but really, if there is something special to do all day that would be far less crowded away from the school vacation weeks, why not take advantage of it a time or two, and add some extra school days at the end of the year or something? Being able to do that is one of the major benefits of homeschooling.

 

3. Discipline & Authority

- ___'s and ___'s (DH's and my) word is final. Undermining our authority will not be tolerated.

- No interfering with our form(s) of discipline.

- No comments or discussion about our discipline methods in front of the boys. If you must question, do so in private.

 

Comment: Bravo! And this must be ABSOLUTE.

 

 

 

That's my opinion!

You have the right to do what you originally said, but I would soften it and consider how the IL's will feel a bit more than those statements demonstrate.

[moonlight]

That seems like a lot of rules. Can you limit it to the three most important ones and let the rest be? I would be hesitant with so many rules especially if they are coming from a good place and are have little time left with their grandchildren...

[momma2three]

Unless there are allergy issues, the food rules sound a bit overbearing. I'm pretty strict about what my kids eat, but IMO one of the reasons grandparents exist is to slide a little junk food into kids' lives. :lol:

 

The second part sounds mostly reasonable, but couldn't you schedule a few days off for the kids do to something with their grandparents, when everything fun isn't overrun by the public school kids? Maybe you could find educational activities for the grandparents to do with them, so you can count it as school? I realize they're there for so long, but it seems kind of unwelcoming to say "our schedule will not change for you, at all." It seems nicer to say "We have a lot to get through before the new years, so we really have to continue schooling during this time. Please be respectful of this, and try not to plan any activities that involve the kids without running it past us. We usually keep afternoons free, and it's important to us to do school at least 4 mornings per week during your stay."

 

The third part sounds good, if this has actually been an issue in the past.

[teeniebeenie6]

I personally would let it go or slacken on the hard tone a bit. We only have our parent and in-laws for such a small part of life. I got really frustrated with my in-laws and when I was hugely pregnant about four years ago I wrote a letter about what I wanted to happen to my kids if something happened to me and some of my fear, etc. I regretted the decision to email it as soon as I woke up but it was too late. To this day our relationship is not what it was and I truly believe it will never be as close as it once was. I regret that . . . deeply! I wish I could go back and have never written the letter.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This list is almost certainly too much information and too authoritative in tone for elderly grandparents.

 

Just verbal reminders, and then quietly enforce, that the kids' bedtimes, meals, and snacks are your domain, and your family can't do any outings until after lunchtime on school days. Tell them when the vacation weeks are and work together to find something fun to do then.

 

Just my two cents. I'm afraid you will hurt their feelings and overwhelm them. I know my MIL couldn't handle this list. She would feel very anxious about doing everything right. And my own Mom would be offended that I thought she needed a rule book. Either way, it would be a disaster.

[momma2three]

But, I wanted to add, I think the whole thing needs to softened, and written in paragraphs with some very polite and reasonable explanations, combined with a lot of praise.

 

The explanations have to be very reasonable, though. The food stuff, for example, is really only okay IMHO if there are allergy or other health issues.

[brownie]

Gosh If I handed parents ground rules, they probably would decide not to come at all. I would try to say "We love to have you come and visit. We're so glad you can be part of our lives for such a long time each year. But since it is a long time, we need to keep schedules on track. We have a lot of school work to get done to legally finish (blame the state) and so we will HAVE to continue school until at least noon each day without interruption. The kids do much better with routine as well and the visit being more than a "vacation" length, bedtimes and nutrition have to stay on track as well."

 

My mom (far away) and I have discussed the fact that there is a difference between grandparents who live down the street and those who live 1000 miles away. The 2nd variety can afford to spoil without destroying the kids upbringing. The 1st has to act much more like a parent with discipline and nutrition. By hanging out with you in your yard 3 months out of the year, your in-laws become the 1st variety IMO.

 

Brownie

 

Brownie

[justLisa]

That post makes ME feel uncomfortable. I couldn't imagine giving it to a grandparent visiting.

 

Maybe if they are going to be living with you forever, but on a visit/vacation? Surely you can ease up a bit and let everyone have a good time and bend the rules a bit? Just a wee bit?

 

ETA: Who eats fig newtons? :confused:

[Farrar]

This list is almost certainly too much information and too authoritative in tone for elderly grandparents.

 

Just verbal reminders, and then quietly enforce, that the kids' bedtimes, meals, and snacks are your domain, and your family can't do any outings until after lunchtime on school days. Tell them when the vacation weeks are and work together to find something fun to do then.

 

Just my two cents. I'm afraid you will hurt their feelings and overwhelm them. I know my MIL couldn't handle this list. She would feel very anxious about doing everything right. And my own Mom would be offended that I thought she needed a rule book. Either way, it would be a disaster.

 

:iagree:

 

This just comes off as condescending and harsh. Obviously, they need to respect that the kids need sleep and school times set and too much junk food isn't okay. If it's really that bad and they're questioning you all the time, then handing them these rules isn't going to help. It's just going to make them angry, hurt or insulted. Instead, have a conversation in a calm tone before they come that there are issues to discuss.

[stripe]

I would let the food slide a bit. But...why not list snack ideas you do approve of (tofu loafu, tempeh hurrah, carrot jerky, seal blubber, pimiento cheese on rye) instead of just the don'ts? And don't have sugary stuff in your house. Do they normally travel with all those things? Even the flavored milk?!

 

It sort of strikes me as the sort of thing one leaves for the babysitter. Are they in charge of meals, bedtime or baths? If not, why have this there? Is it ok to stay up late a few times, listening to Grandpa tell stories?

 

"Please do not interrupt" is really not polite at all. You should arrange for themto have something to do, if they're your visitors.

 

I think it is a good opportunity for your children to learn respect for elders and the importance of family. Demonstrate that.

 

For what it's worth credibility wise, I have had long stays with my in laws. You've got to be more flexible and realize they have things to teach your children, too. Especially when your FIL is sickly.

Edited August 30, 2012 by stripe

[Hunter]

My in-laws are wonderful people. We love them to death and they are always trying to help. But their idea of "help" doesn't always line up with ours. They live across the country, and only get to visit twice a year. My FIL also has many medical issues (multiple transplants, heart surgeries, diabetes, and more) so he really feels the need to be a part of my children's lives for the time he has left. Since they are retired, and travel costs so much, they generally try to make the most of their trips by making them longer. Their visit last spring was 6 weeks. Now they're looking at visiting for 7-8 weeks over Thanksgiving and Christmas. They have their camper parked in our yard, so other than using our laundry room, they really aren't in our space and in our way. But, they are somewhat overbearing. I don't begrudge their desire to spend time with the boys, but we've got to lay down some ground rules before this visit to keep some sanity and peace in our house. The holidays are crazy enough as it is! Please review these and give me your opinions/advice.

 

1. Drinks and Snacks

- All drinks and snacks must be approved by ___ or ___. (DH or me)

- No drinks or snacks are to be given without ___ or ___ approving the time and quantity.

- Forbidden items:

 

Chocolate/Strawberry milk

Juice/Kool-aid

Cookies/Fig Newtons

"Fruit Snacks"

Cereal bars/Nutrigrain bars

Sugary cereal

 

 

 

2. Time & Schedule

- The boys' school and chores will be done from 8:30 to 12:00. Please do not interrupt.

- The boys' bedtime (lights out) is at 9:00. Baths and bedtime stories need to be done before that time.

- School breaks have been scheduled during the week of Thanksgiving and the week of Christmas. Any outings should be scheduled during those weeks or after 12:00 on regular school days.

 

3. Discipline & Authority

- ___'s and ___'s (DH's and my) word is final. Undermining our authority will not be tolerated.

- No interfering with our form(s) of discipline.

- No comments or discussion about our discipline methods in front of the boys. If you must question, do so in private.

 

I've met some in-laws that would require a list just like this :lol: Less is sometimes more. If this is what you need to do then do it. If you can be softer, then do so. Only you know how firm you need to be with YOUR family.

 

I have had to make stronger sets of rules than these with some people I know. They weren't overwhelmed. Instead of being afraid, they just pushed and pushed some more, and I needed to quote my ironclad rules, and state the harsh consequences of violating them.

 

Good luck!

[mohop]

I'm also of the opinion that handing grandparents a set of rules like this sounds like trouble. Unless they asked you for a list of rules or something.

 

I would just tell them no sugary snacks, and maybe give examples of some things loaded with sugar that people don't think of as being unhealthy (cereal bars, etc.). I'd let them know the school schedule and the daily routines and talk about planning activities with them after school time is done. I'd deal with the discipline if something comes up (and I'd tell my husband to do it if they were his parents).

 

This is just how I would handle things.

[Mommy22alyns]

That post makes ME feel uncomfortable. I couldn't imagine giving it to a grandparent visiting.

 

Maybe if they are going to be living with you forever, but on a visit/vacation? Surely you can ease up a bit and let everyone have a good time and bend the rules a bit? Just a wee bit?

 

ETA: Who eats fig newtons? :confused:

 

:iagree: I'm sorry, that list could really hurt their feelings. I understand needing to have authority and keep things on a reasonable schedule, but yes they seldom visit and sometimes you just have to let the kids have fun with Grandma and Grandpa. I would truly be thankful that they care enough to come visit without getting in your space. Not all children are that fortunate.

[countrygal]

I can definately see where you are coming from! I do agree with most of the other posters. (My dad once spent over $80 on a trip to walmart with my kids and it included multiple boxes of sweet cereal, cookies, crackers, gatorade, and toys:blink:) Yet, his love language is gift giving, so dh told me to just let it be because they all had fun. HOWEVER, I think it is a good idea to state what kind of treats or snacks they CAN have for snacks like popcorn or craisins or say "come over and lets make trail mix", or "I prefer they have juice boxes instead of kool-aid." Go for the lesser of the evils!

 

Also, I think it's okay to tell them the school times and bed time (for during the week!) but let them come see what they are doing for school. Plus remind them that the earlier the boys get done, the more they can spend with them! Even better, make a grandparent history project to remember: Have them interview their grandparents about things that they did when they were kids, and what they did with their brothers and sisters, what listening to radio programs was like, how school was back then, what color was their hair!.... Maybe have the gp's bring pictures and make a scrap book, or put them on your timeline! That could get really fun.......

[*Lulu*]

I totally get having to put boundaries up with grandparents. (Esspecially where food is concerned.) Somthing that has helped us is to present requests in positives instead of negatives. Instead of saying no surgery cereal, flavored milk, or fruit snacks try this:

 

We are really watching the kids' diet and are sticking to fresh fruits, vegetables, and yogurt for snacks.

 

The kids will be available after noon for outings, and we have set aside a week at Thanksgiving and at Christmas to be school-work free.

 

Etc.

 

You could also try providing the snacks you would want them to serve.

[momma2three]

I can definately see where you are coming from! I do agree with most of the other posters. (My dad once spent over $80 on a trip to walmart with my kids and it included multiple boxes of sweet cereal, cookies, crackers, gatorade, and toys:blink:) Yet, his love language is gift giving, so dh told me to just let it be because they all had fun. HOWEVER, I think it is a good idea to state what kind of treats or snacks they CAN have for snacks like popcorn or craisins or say "come over and lets make trail mix", or "I prefer they have juice boxes instead of kool-aid." Go for the lesser of the evils!

 

Also, I think it's okay to tell them the school times and bed time (for during the week!) but let them come see what they are doing for school. Plus remind them that the earlier the boys get done, the more they can spend with them! Even better, make a grandparent history project to remember: Have them interview their grandparents about things that they did when they were kids, and what they did with their brothers and sisters, what listening to radio programs was like, how school was back then, what color was their hair!.... Maybe have the gp's bring pictures and make a scrap book, or put them on your timeline! That could get really fun.......

 

The second paragraph is a great idea! Are they supportive of homeschooling? I'm sure they'd love to lend a hand.

 

Especially since it sounds like they're driving cross country to get to you guys? Maybe you can incorporate that into your lessons, too. They can pick up brochures and souvenirs from anyplace they visit along the way... even if they're driving straight through, state welcome centers always have lots of interesting brochures about the state. They could probably teach some killer geography and US history lessons.

[mrs.m]

Well, they sound like fun grandparents to me! :D I sure miss my grandparents who stuffed me with junk and loved on me. I felt special when they came around. Grandpa always had peanut M&Ms for me even when I visited as an adult! He was the sweetest man and I miss him dearly. Try not to think of them as a intrusion into your schedule but as a sweet memory in the making for your children.

 

Have the kids brush their teeth a little bit extra and run around the house a few times. They'll be fine.

 

(unless the kids have some health issue. Then I really think a sit-down and kindly explaining what is happening will work best. ;) )

[Heatherwith4]

I used to get a little irritated when my FIL would get the boys and get them off schedule and load them down with junk food. I had even considered asking him not to get them during "school hours" even though my oldest was only in Kindergarden. However, I mostly bit my tongue and let them enjoy their time with him. I would *never* have given him a list like yours.

Anyway, I sure wish he could come and get the kids now. I know they wish he could, too. He can't, because he's dead.

I'm not trying to be dramatic. I'm just saying, let them enjoy each others company. You will not regret it. I can say with almost 100% certainty that you will regret giving them a list like this. Just sit down and have a conversation with them.

[fraidycat]

Wow, If I got ground rules like that (even though I try to follow them with my own kids on a daily basis) I would probably just not visit at all.

 

Instead of a list of forbidden foods, can't you ask them to limit treats to once a week on Saturdays or something like that? Grandparents GET to spoil kids - it is the right they earned by raising children who went on the procreate. If there are food allergies involved, then have them run the treat by you, but otherwise let them be grandparents.

 

I know, for a fact, that after my kids have spent time with my parents I will have a bit of a readjustment period to get them back on "My schedule, My rules", but I would NOT under any circumstances trade the time the kids spend with them for anything in the world, not even to limit the sugar, toys, etc.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I think it would be hurtful to give grandparents a list like that when they arrive. Honestly, I would just try to overlook as much as I could and let them enjoy being together. If they started giving sugary snacks etc, you could mention it at that point and ask that they not do that.

[Love_to_Read]

wow...7-8 WEEKS...that is a looooong time to be run over by spoiling...that is an entire summer vacation, just different months.

[Erica in OR]

ETA: Who eats fig newtons? :confused:

 

LOL!

 

Erica in OR

[Hunter]

wow...7-8 WEEKS...that is a looooong time to be run over by spoiling...that is an entire summer vacation, just different months.

 

:iagree:

 

I'd be a mess. A total mess. I seem to attract boundary crossing like a magnet. People laugh and say I have the firmest boundaries of anyone they know. Just because I'm constantly setting and talking about boundaries, doesn't mean people are respecting them. With some people I love, every day is a battle unless I get "mean".

[RoundAbout]

My MIL stayed with us for 3 months over the holidays and there are definitely boundary issues with her. I totally get where you are coming from, but I do agree with the majority that its a bit much. With my family, if the list of rules is too long then it either causes hard feelings or they just can't keep track and ignore everything.

 

1) Food - my husband said in a very friendly tone something like: "Hey mom, I'm eating low carb! I'm 40 now and really need to lose some weight to keep up at work (DH is a Marine infantry officer). I have a really hard time resisting all the yummies, so do you mind keeping the junk food out of the house while you're here? We don't care if you buy the kiddo treats when we are out and about but its just waaaaaay too tempting to have all that stuff laying around the house for us grownups! Of course we're still looking forward to your Thanksgiving pie and Christmas plum pudding. Our diet plan allows for a cheat meal every few weeks and we can't wait for your awesome cooking!"

 

2) Regarding school, it went something like: "Wow, can you believe kiddo is doing Kindergarten already! You know, he's just barely 5 and sooooooo distractible and wiggly so it would be a big help if you can steer clear of the dining room during those couple hours of school time. Kiddo is just so much less of a handful if he starts his day off with some structure!"

 

 

Both of these went over extremely well and were mostly followed. They took the blame off the MIL and put it on us, and gave her an opportunity to be part of the solution. She made huge salads every night then often took DS out for ice cream which I was totally ok with. I think she also enjoyed having time to herself in the morning to answer email and read news while we did school. Sometimes its hard to get privacy as a houseguest.

 

Bedtime was never a problem. We were all always happy to see DS go to sleep at night :)

No experience with the discipline stuff either. She would occasionally make mild suggestions but never in front of DS.

Edited August 30, 2012 by RoundAbout

[teeniebeenie6]

This is an interesting topic!!

Edited August 30, 2012 by teeniebeenie6

[rgrin]

Yes, it's unbelievable that we're considering this list. But we've been trying to handle this nicely and on an as-needed basis for years. Each visit gets longer and more stressful, and each visit results in worse behavior on the part of my boys. My children's physical and mental health are at risk here, and I don't feel like I can sit idly by and watch them destroy my children and my relationship with them.

 

By the end of the last visit, our boys, who are generally good, not-picky eaters were having tantrums at the table because we didn't include their favorite, mac-n-cheese. They were skipping meals because they weren't hungry. The grandparents had a camper-full of snacks (Oreos, candy, sugary cereal, Kool-aid, Goldfish crackers, etc.) that they had purchased IN BULK at Costco on their arrival. We voiced our concerns with the non-healthy snacks, so they go back to Costco and purchase Nutrigrain bars, mega-sugar yogurt, Capri-suns, and sugar-free snacks (because artificial sweeteners are "obviously" healthier than regular sugar :banghead:). Within a week, the boys had finished off ALL of the bulk boxes of food from Costco, and since it was what they considered "healthy", the in-laws didn't see a problem. They were just shocked by the boys' behavior at the dinner table afterwards. :glare: And trying to get the boys back to normal eating habits after 6 weeks of a candy buffet? THAT was horrendous couple of months.

 

If I give them an "approved" list, they will again let the boys eat as much as they want. For seven weeks?!? I'm all for fun with the grandparents and spoiling and such, but that is over the top. That is unhealthy for WAAAAYY too long.

 

 

Now, the school hours thing, I could budge on a bit. I can't go seven weeks with no school or with field trips only. I don't feel comfortable going that long without the 3Rs at least. But we could go 4 days a week instead of 5 during their visit.

 

 

And, unfortunately, they often cut into our discipline. If we send a child to time out (the same number of minutes as his age), FIL will follow him right in to time out, "talk" with him, and bring the child out in 30 seconds saying, "He's sorry, now. He doesn't need to be in time out any longer." He will argue with DH in front of the kids about how we shouldn't punish a child for peeing on his brother. He complains (again, in front of the boys) how we favor this child or that child, depending on the circumstances. We try to ask him to take the argument outside. We try to remove the boys from the discussion. It is NOT a healthy situation for the boys, and it always gets worse the longer the in-laws are here.

 

 

This 7-8 week visit will be their longest one yet. DH and I were ready to tell them they can't visit for longer than 3 weeks. Instead, we decided to try discussing some ground rules with them BEFORE their arrival. We are praying that this will lead to a healthier, more enjoyable visit for all involved. We will be flying out to visit them in 3 weeks, and plan to discuss these issues at that time so that they know our expectations before their arrival.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

Good luck.:)

[Luckymama]

Oh my goodness, after reading your backstory it appears we have the same in-laws :eek: I would be driven straight round the bend if mine stayed with us for seven days but you have seven weeks to enjoy.

 

:grouphug: Good luck with wording the ground rules and staying strong.

[NotSoObvious]

I'm so sorry.

 

We deal with the same thing and I've never learned to handle it well. The best thing we did was move 2,600 miles away.

[Hunter]

Yes, it's unbelievable that we're considering this list. But we've been trying to handle this nicely and on an as-needed basis for years. Each visit gets longer and more stressful, and each visit results in worse behavior on the part of my boys. My children's physical and mental health are at risk here, and I don't feel like I can sit idly by and watch them destroy my children and my relationship with them.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

This is what I assumed from your first post. We want to be as gentle as we can, but when gentle doesn't work, we have the right to use stronger and more specific language, and even have the right to state the consequences of certain breaches.

 

You do have the right to feed, educate and discipline your children without interference, especially for such an extended period of time.

 

The only way certain people can remain in our lives, is if we can find a way to protect our boundaries. Otherwise we need to avoid them. We are doing them a favor when we issue and enforce rules instead of avoiding contact.

 

Good luck!

[momma2three]

I definitely understand where you're coming from, but I still think the list sounds harsh, especially in list format.

 

For the food, I would say "We understand that one of the role of grandparents is to spoil kids, but please understand that 7 weeks is much too long for constant spoiling. We'd really appreciate it if you would keep the treats to one per day, or better yet save it all up and maybe you can start a tradition of a big Saturday trip to the ice cream parlor?"

 

FWIW, we live on the opposite side of the world from my family and DH's family, so our visits are also long. We spent 8 weeks staying with my parents last summer, and many of our rules definitely went to pot. That may have been an easier transition because we were staying at their house, so we could make it clear that it was "their house, their rules, our house, our rules" and so the transition wasn't so bad. Our issue was mostly screen time (my mother thinks that my children don't watch enough TV, and will be culturally illiterate... the funny thing is that they watch more than my mother says I watched at that age!).

Edited August 31, 2012 by momma2three
typo

[Tracy]

I don't see a huge problem with the rules, but I would not send it in this form. This is the sort of thing that needs to be done in person with a huge smile on your face.

[Farrar]

I don't see a huge problem with the rules, but I would not send it in this form. This is the sort of thing that needs to be done in person with a huge smile on your face.

 

:iagree: It's not that your rules are so harsh (well, maybe a little for a short visit, but not for a long stay), it's that the tone is. I think you need to find a way to come off as friendly but firm and this isn't quite it.

[jujsky]

This list is almost certainly too much information and too authoritative in tone for elderly grandparents.

 

Just verbal reminders, and then quietly enforce, that the kids' bedtimes, meals, and snacks are your domain, and your family can't do any outings until after lunchtime on school days. Tell them when the vacation weeks are and work together to find something fun to do then.

 

.

 

I agree, and I have ILs I don't always get along with and I've had to set some strict ground rules. This is too much all at once. I would let them know about the school/home schedule a little more gently, like, "We love having you visit, but if we don't stick to our school schedule, that means the kids will have to school all summer and won't have a summer break. Until noon they're mine. If an educational outing comes up that doesn't fall after 12:00 or on one of our vacation weeks, let me know ahead of time and I'll try to work around it."

 

The food stuff is too much, IMHO, unless they have allergies OR they're giving them junk the entire 7-8 weeks they're visiting. I'd find a way of softening that a bit. Either that, or can you teach your kids that they need to ask you or DH before accepting junk food from the grandparents?

 

The part about not interfering in your discipline is 100% spot-on. If this has been an issue in the past (I assume it is or it wouldn't be on your list of rules) then I would address it. That is a huge issue, and IMO, most of your other issues with them probably all stem back to that.

[airforcefamily]

I agree, and I have ILs I don't always get along with and I've had to set some strict ground rules. This is too much all at once. I would let them know about the school/home schedule a little more gently, like, "We love having you visit, but if we don't stick to our school schedule, that means the kids will have to school all summer and won't have a summer break. Until noon they're mine. If an educational outing comes up that doesn't fall after 12:00 or on one of our vacation weeks, let me know ahead of time and I'll try to work around it."

 

The food stuff is too much, IMHO, unless they have allergies OR they're giving them junk the entire 7-8 weeks they're visiting. I'd find a way of softening that a bit. Either that, or can you teach your kids that they need to ask you or DH before accepting junk food from the grandparents?

 

The part about not interfering in your discipline is 100% spot-on. If this has been an issue in the past (I assume it is or it wouldn't be on your list of rules) then I would address it. That is a huge issue, and IMO, most of your other issues with them probably all stem back to that.

 

This all sounds pretty reasonable. I think the list is very harsh, it's the kind of thing that IMO should only be presented to a babysitter.

 

The food thing seems incredibly overbearing. I can see a few off limits without approval foods, like chocolate syrup or store bought cookies, but making the grandparents who have traveled across the country to visit you despite health problems humbly approach you to ask if they may provide 1.5 oz of x brand cheese and 8 crackers to their grandchildren at 4:15pm is a bit draconian.

 

The policy about absolutely no contact or anything from 8:30 to noon is also extraordinarily strict. Something worded nicely like the previous poster said would be a better way to go.

 

Be sure to complement them and offer alternatives where they have chances to spoil the kids.... things like 'I'm so thankful for your wonderful generosity but the kids often don't feel well after eating xyz kinds of foods, maybe a pizza night with you on such and such a day would be fun' or 'We really appreciate all the time and effort you've put into finding outings but we need to do chores and school until noon, how about next week we will have school go until 1 then on Friday you can take the kids out all day, the time to myself would be a real treat'.

[shanvan]

wow...7-8 WEEKS...that is a looooong time to be run over by spoiling...that is an entire summer vacation, just different months.

 

:iagree: Yes, way too long. Maybe the boundary that needs to be set is more about how long they can stay. I could never handle a visit that long. I would imagine that no set of rules could possibly prevent it from being disruptive. Honestly with the list you posted I think you and ILs are are too different to spend that long living in such a close proximity to one another. It sounds like a family feud just waiting to happen.

 

Just my two cents as the DIL of some overbearing ILs who would need to be hit over the head with the rudest list of rules possible before they would ever even attempt to follow them, at which point the list would be useless b/c they would be so angry. Then they might attempt to follow them---after not talking to us for months, or some other passive-agressive maneuver.

[clarkacademy]

I think if it was all that bad then maybe just tell them not to come at all. If I had to feel the need to treat someone as this they just wouldn't be welcomed.

[warneral]

I felt like this list was a little too controlling when I first read it, but then again, I cannot imagine having my inlaws (or any family) stay for 7 weeks. I understand your trepidation. I don't have good advice other than to pray for a graceful spirit while they are there. OR tell them that since you are homeschooling, the most that you can have them visit is 2 weeks. I think that is still a lot of time. Their 7 weeks is so insane, that shortening it to 2 sounds ridiculous, but in reality 7 weeks is ridiculous.

 

Analogy: my child asks for money to buy an ice cream treat. I say sure and they say "OK I need 100.00". You give the child $2 and the child is floored that it isn't anywhere near $100. In reality $100 was completely unrealistic to begin with.

[countrygal]

ok, I'm replying again! I think the food controlling needs to be done!!!!!!! It is a major health and behavioral issue. It bothers me so much too! Maybe DH needs to do it since he's their son. And tell them before they come so they don't stop at costco on the way! Keep it simple though - Please don't by the boys any snacks. (Yes, that means none!) and your second rule: Please don't undermine our discipline. Maybe just stick to those 2.... and have dh do it. But keep it simple so they remember!

[Katy]

I don't think any of your requirements are unreasonable, but I do think it's unreasonable for them to come from YOU. Your DH NEEDS to be the one to explain the rules, possibly in softer language.

 

Also, I would explain these rules TO THE CHILDREN. And explain that they are expected to obey your rules at all times, even if their grandparents say something different. This isn't much different from them having a best friend who lived down the block who had much less strict rules than you do. You would still demand they follow your rules, even at someone else's house, even if a different set of parents said they didn't have to.

[scubamama]

:iagree:

Your DH needs to be the one discussing, presenting, insisting, etc.

 

For years I was the one doing this (dealing with the IL)and I was ready to leave and never come back. Dh felt like he'd dealt with the IL all his life and it was pointless to try(he's probably right) so it was my job...nothing worked.

 

We moved far away. Still harassed, but those amber waves of grain and purple mountains' majesty really work well as a boundary! :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't want to make light of your situation, but tell Dh he will suffer at your hands if he does't step up. Mine just couldn't....so moving was a good thing.

 

Good luck.

[TengoFive]

I agree on discussing the rules with the kids. If it were my kids, I would tell them before the grandparents got there, that the rules still apply. They're not allowed to have snacks unless they're approved by you. There's no reason the grandparents need to even hear that set of rules if the kids know it.

 

The discipline is a whole 'nother issue that should be addressed by your dh with his parents.

 

Victoria

 

I don't think any of your requirements are unreasonable, but I do think it's unreasonable for them to come from YOU. Your DH NEEDS to be the one to explain the rules, possibly in softer language.

 

Also, I would explain these rules TO THE CHILDREN. And explain that they are expected to obey your rules at all times, even if their grandparents say something different. This isn't much different from them having a best friend who lived down the block who had much less strict rules than you do. You would still demand they follow your rules, even at someone else's house, even if a different set of parents said they didn't have to.

[skeeterbug]

For the snacks can you have a rule about the number per day? 'They are allowed two snacks per day.' That would be easier than all must be approved by you. Would the grandparents adhere to it? Maybe you could go buy a selection of snacks for them to keep in their camper, before they arrive. I'm sure the grandparents will add to it, but at least there would be some that were your choice.

 

Discipline...when my parents visit (for weeks at a time) I always remove the child and take them to my bedroom with the door closed to discuss any discipline. No discussion whatsoever in front of my parents. Any time out or whatever would be spent in my bedroom with the door closed. Grandparents are not welcome in my bedroom unless invited and they would not cross that boundary.

 

I agree with the 4-day school week, that's a great idea. Hopefully the grandparents and the kids will get the idea that if they work hard most of the week they get a fun day off to spend with their grandparents.

[skeeterbug]

Just wanted to also add...last time my parents were here for 5 weeks and my kids' behaviour went out the window. Completely different kids while they were here. Ugh. I feel for you!

[sassenach]

Don't do this in written form. Dh needs to call his parents. He needs to tell them how much you guys love them, how glad you are to have them, but there are a few things that just didn't work well last time. I would lead with the parental authority issue, because everything else stems from that. The contradicting discipline is the biggy. That needs to be a hard line. The food issue sounds like ignorance. I like a pp's suggestion of one treat a day. The school hours are fine, but could you handle a 4 day week?

 

If they understand the authority issue, the rest shouldn't be as hard. It sounds like they decided that they can overrule you and that needs to stop. You also need to enforce the boundaries in the moment better. If grandpa follows Johnny to his room for his time out, you need to be right on his heels and saying, "sorry, grandpa, Johnny needs to follow mommy's instructions and so do you!" If your dh has already had the conversation ("Love having you for these long visits, Dad, but the only way it's going to work is if you respect us as parents."), he should take the correction. If they blow you off even after all that, you'll probably have to tell them to shorten their visits, which would be sad.

[Incognito]

I understand where you are coming from, but think there must be a more gracious way to get what you need and honor the ILs as well.

 

Food - teach the kids your rules. Expect the kids to abide. If you don't think they can, then have the grandparents come into your house instead of the kids going out to their trailer. Not that hard to control. And, FWIW, it sounds like they really were trying to meet you in the middle last time and they are just clueless. If you give them a 1 snack a day idea, would they be able to stomach that?

 

School - I have kids almost the same age and honestly, I don't see why it has to be so strict. They are so little. Yes, you don't want a full-on vacation for 7-8 weeks, but there are so many things they can do and learn with grandparents that don't need to invovle the cirriculum you love. If you did one hour with the kids a day, then did field trips, board games, lots of read alouds, etc. the grandparents could be invovled and your kids would keep learning.

 

Authority - take it in the bedroom. That is an excellent idea. We go out of sight - wherever that needs to be. If they follow you there you can explain you need privacy. If your FIL goes to the time out spot, you can already be there waiting, so your FIL can't sneak the child out. If you need to say something, this is about the only thing I would say something about, and it would be DH telling his parents that they need to let you two do the parenting.

 

GL. It could be a really nice time. And yes, your kids will pick up a few bad habits, and they'll need to get back into the routine of normal life afterwards. It's okay. It won't ruin them for life. It will make things hard for you for a few days, but try to make some of those grandparent days really easy for you, so it evens out.

[3Blessings]

I just caught the tail end of this thread, but I've been in your place. My MIL is well-meaning. We disagree on food items for the kids, bed time for the kids, etc. Dh and I have told her we don't allow soda, etc. We told her all sorts of things. At one point, however, I just realized that I can't pick every battle. Some things are VERY big and some a just not so much and I can live with it.

 

If you can, it might be worth your time to decide what is most important and shorten up that list. It could cause you less worry and improve your relationship with your in-laws. :):)

[stripe]

I think you should suggest a limit to snack times, but it's contradictory to say no snacks ever to be given by you, no snacks unless approved by me, and none of the following are allowed. They are all different sentiments.

[shanvan]

I just caught the tail end of this thread, but I've been in your place. My MIL is well-meaning. We disagree on food items for the kids, bed time for the kids, etc. Dh and I have told her we don't allow soda, etc. We told her all sorts of things. At one point, however, I just realized that I can't pick every battle. Some things are VERY big and some a just not so much and I can live with it.

 

If you can, it might be worth your time to decide what is most important and shorten up that list. It could cause you less worry and improve your relationship with your in-laws. :):)

 

If we were talking about a weekend visit or just letting it go while grandma comes over for the day, I could see this being good advice. BUT we are talking about 2 months! My personal opinion is that boundaries have not been set or the OP would not feel a need to make such a list. The ILs don't have to agree with the OP and her Dh, but they should at least be able to show respect for them as the parents of their grandchildren.