WWYD, Family Giving Assignments?

[Impish]

I've been ignoring this, but it keeps coming up.

 

MIL, a former teacher, keeps giving the kids assignments. It ranges from research reports for Diva, to drawing pictures, writing for the Littles.

 

I intercept them, and get rid of it. I don't say anything to the kids, or MIL. I let Wolf know, but other than that, do/say nothing.

 

Problem is, MIL has become more demanding, WANTING the assignments sent to her :001_huh: What's she going to do, mark them?!

 

Wolf does his best to deflect her, but she's getting pushier.

 

Remember, this is the same woman that criticized the Littles for not staying inside the lines, saying I needed to get them some lessons, as well as telling me that they shouldn't be using pencil crayons. So, simply having the Littles colour her pics and send them doesn't get taken as a lovely thing to brighten Gma's fridge, but to be assessed, marked, graded, critiqued.

 

Is there a polite way to say, "Back off! *I* am teaching my kids, they don't need, nor do I want, extra assignments for them!" Or, forget about politeness, and just go w/the blunt?

[Catwoman]

No.

 

There is no polite way.

 

Tell her to BACK OFF.

[Murphy101]

I wouldn't feel a need to be polite about it.:glare:

[Nakia]

"Polite" went out the door a long time ago with regards to her.

[coffeegal]

No.

 

There is no polite way.

 

Tell her to BACK OFF.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: You'll just have to be blunt. "Do not give my children assignments." I would also let the children know they are 'forbidden' to complete any assignments she gives them unless they're excited by the prospect. ;)

[FaithManor]

"Polite" went out the door a long time ago with regards to her.

 

 

ABSOLUTELY THIS!

 

I think telling her this is none of her business and will NEVER happen is a good place to start. Next is changing your phone number or moving to Singapore.

 

IMP, I don't know how you do it. Your MIL and mom are such whackadoodles it hardly bears thinking about. Of course, now your MIL is adding a disease she can't control, very likely alzheimers, onto her original nutbunny personality and it's just going to be a lethal combination. My heart goes out to you.

 

All I can say is protect the kids and your mental. Her antics passed "civil and polite" a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago and I think I'd be drawing that line in the sand loud and clear since well-mannered and subtle really doesn't phase her.

 

Faith

[happi duck]

You're doing the right thing: not involving the kids, not trying to do one or two assignments to be nice, not making a big deal out of it

 

Most other people would get the message when NONE of the assignments were returned. Since she's getting pushier (that's possible?!) maybe you need to come up with one concise response that you will repeat whenever it comes up. ex: "We don't need your assignments and will never implement them"

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Yeah, just tell her you've already chosen all the assignments for the year, thank you very much. NONE OF HER BUSINESS! You already know she won't like it, but really, how much do you care? :D

[Myeightkiddies]

Tell her bluntly that the children have a full day with scheduled assignments that extra ones will not be given nor completed.

[Impish]

I know I should have dealt w/this a while ago, but I just didn't want to deal w/the fallout, so went w/ignoring. My own fault.

[QuirkyKapers]

I think you need to start giving her some assignments to keep her busy and out of your hair;)

[athena1277]

I'm surprised you are considering anything but blunt with her. I'm all about tact, but you learned long ago that anything less than blunt will not get through to her.

[Kelly1730]

Tell her bluntly that the children have a full day with scheduled assignments that extra ones will not be given nor completed.

 

:iagree: Seems reasonable;)

[jujsky]

No.

 

There is no polite way.

 

Tell her to BACK OFF.

 

We have a critical grandma (my MIL) too. Either keep ignoring her and putting her off, or tell her to back off. I find with my MIL that trying to be nice is too subtle and she doesn't get it. I have to be blunt, usually to the point of being rude, for her to get the message.

[Parrothead]

"Polite" went out the door a long time ago with regards to her.

:iagree:

[Forget-Me-Not]

She's having dementia issues right? Is that playing into this at all?

[Guest submarines]

Is she the same woman who is in her 80s and her mental and cognitive states are on the decline? If she used to be a teacher, this is probably the only way she knows how to relate. Tell her you have a different curriculum.

[Impish]

She's having dementia issues right? Is that playing into this at all?

 

Is she the same woman who is in her 80s and her mental and cognitive states are on the decline? If she used to be a teacher, this is probably the only way she knows how to relate. Tell her you have a different curriculum.

We believe that she is having issues, def w/her memory. I don't know that it's actually playing into this, b/c it's been an ongoing issue since we started hsing, her 'assigning' things to the kids, trying to override me w/'I was a REAL teacher!' comments, critiquing anything the kids sent her. So, I can't honestly say one way or another if/how much could be cognitive issues.

 

I do kinda wonder if this is her way to feel useful...but at the same time, really do NOT want to open the door to her increasing her demands re: giving assignments.

[Night Elf]

"Polite" went out the door a long time ago with regards to her.

 

:iagree:

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

clear, concise "no". i wouldn't even talk about the kids being too busy doing other assignments. i'd just say, "no". or better yet, have wolf just say "no". the next time she mentions it, i'd have a stock phrase ready. something like, "we already talked about this and the answer is "no". and then change the subject. if she comes back to it, "oops, there's someone at the door. got to go." (if you are uncomfortable with an untruth, you can always ask your kids to go stand by the door).

 

rinse. repeat. ad nauseam, likely...

:grouphug:

ann

[Momof3littles]

Yeah, it may be dementia related, but it still isn't appropriate. I wouldn't even pretend to entertain the notion that she gets to assign things to my kids. Period.

 

Thanks for your concern. We have this covered. I think it is helpful to have sort of a pat answer that you repeat every. single. time. when people act like that. It takes away any fuel they can use to argue. You don't debate, you just pull out your pat answer over and over again. ("Thanks for your concern, we have their school assignments covered." Something totally bland and boring that doesn't entice them to enter into a debate. And give nothing else...just the pat answer over and over every time it comes up.).

[Ellie]

"Polite"????

 

lolololololololololololololol

 

Yeah, you passed that train stop a long time ago. It's time to get off and tell your MIL to back.off., and you'll probably have to be upfront and forthright--which isn't the same things as being rude, you understand. But it might require your standing up and making direct eye contact (you probably should avoid poking your finger in her chest) while telling her that your dc will not, under any circumstances, do any of her assignements in this lifetime.

[Robin M]

In a normal world, I would simple say I'm the principal, I'm the one responsible for issuing or planning their lessons. Thanks for the help, but we got it covered. If you can't ignore her requests - because they won't stop then be straight forward that outside assistance isn't needed. Ignore any future requests, have Wolf deal with it, if she gets persistent. He can say something to the affect "Mom, we already discussed this, imp is in charge." If she has dementia, she won't remember. Each time she tries to issue an assignment, stay with the pat answer, then change the subject. You guys may feel like broken records, but it's necessary to keep repeating yourself with someone in her condition.

[Truscifi]

"Polite" went out the door a long time ago with regards to her.

 

:iagree:

[Rosie_0801]

If it wasn't for the dementia, I'd have burned the assignment sheets and sent her the ashes along with a note saying "We said NO and meant it."

 

Rosie

[Ghee]

If it wasn't for the dementia, I'd have burned the assignment sheets and sent her the ashes along with a note saying "We said NO and meant it."

 

Rosie

 

:lol:

[Seasider]

So, how is she "giving" them these assignments? In a telephone conversation? Email? Snail mail? Intercept and round file. Or fuel a marshmallow roast.

 

The most important thing, to me, would be to let your kids know that gramma just wants to be helpful, but that you know what they need to study and learn and they shouldn't feel pressure to do them. Train them with a pat answer, "Oh, no, Granny, I didn't get to that report. I had other homework to finish."

[happypamama]

If you wanted to be polite, you could say, "Oh, they already have a full plate, so they won't have time for any extra assignments right now," but I think maybe you're long past polite with her.

 

If you do think it's dementia-related, could you cut her some slack by having the kids call and chat with her about what they're learning with you? Maybe she just wants to feel involved and informed but doesn't know how to go about it. (That's what I'd think about most grandparents, anyway; they just want to relate but aren't sure of the right way to do it.) Maybe start a private family blog where they could post artwork, writing assignments, booklists, etc. so that she could keep up with what they're doing?

 

Or, is there an area where she's particularly gifted that you could let her direct? That might not really work, but if it could be done well, it could give her some way to relate to her grandchildren and take something off of your plate.

[LucyStoner]

Tell her no. That is both a complete sentence and perfectly polite. If (sounds like when) she protests, state firmly "this is not a matter I am willing to discuss with you, we are not interested in having the kids complete the assignments you send."

 

Don't engage the crazy people. Don't argue. Don't discuss.

[QueenCat]

"Polite" went out the door a long time ago with regards to her.

 

Yep.... your mil ceases to amaze me.

[annandatje]

I've been ignoring this, but it keeps coming up.

 

MIL, a former teacher, keeps giving the kids assignments. It ranges from research reports for Diva, to drawing pictures, writing for the Littles.

 

I intercept them, and get rid of it. I don't say anything to the kids, or MIL. I let Wolf know, but other than that, do/say nothing.

 

Problem is, MIL has become more demanding, WANTING the assignments sent to her :001_huh: What's she going to do, mark them?!

 

Wolf does his best to deflect her, but she's getting pushier.

 

Remember, this is the same woman that criticized the Littles for not staying inside the lines, saying I needed to get them some lessons, as well as telling me that they shouldn't be using pencil crayons. So, simply having the Littles colour her pics and send them doesn't get taken as a lovely thing to brighten Gma's fridge, but to be assessed, marked, graded, critiqued.

 

Is there a polite way to say, "Back off! *I* am teaching my kids, they don't need, nor do I want, extra assignments for them!" Or, forget about politeness, and just go w/the blunt?

 

 

Your children are so compliant that they willingly take on assignments given by phone from a relative they seldom see? I only wish my kids would have been as eager to complete school assignments.

 

Instead of fretting about a mil who is a merciful 14 hour drive and a phone call away, I would concentrate on coaching the kids in setting boundaries and in dealing with those who would quiz them.

 

Why is Wolf continuing to allow her to talk to the children after you have told him about her over the line antics? He was supposed to function as the family's shield against her intrusions. Perhaps a gentle reminder of his duty is warranted.

Edited August 25, 2012 by annandatje

[laundrycrisis]

Dementia or not, I would tell her myself - not through the DH filter - that she is not their teacher and does not get to assign them work. Discussion over.

[NanceXToo]

For REAL?!

 

Tell her, "Please stop giving the kids assignments. They will NOT be doing them. You are not their teacher, and they already have a full plate with regard to schoolwork."

 

Anytime it comes up after that: "No." Period. Full stop. End of discussion.

[Impish]

The assignments come via snail mail. I've established w/the kids that *I* open everything, and will give out whatever needs to be given. Which is how I intercept the assignments.

 

give you an example: she'll send a magazine cut out pic of a heron, then a list of questions for Diva to answer. Then she'll ask Diva (I've asked Diva to quit answering the ph when MIL calls, but sometimes she forgets) quizzing her on the answers she should have from completing the assignment...then get bent out of shape when Diva tells her she didn't do it.

 

She'll bug Wolf as to why she hasn't received x,y,z from the Littles, since she asked them to do ____ and it should be done by now. Wolf tells her that the kids are busy w/their actual school work, they don't have time for any more. "But, it's for MEEEEE!"

 

Frankly, she doesn't listen to Wolf anyways. I was hoping that ignoring this would cause her to quit it, but it hasn't.

 

It's been going on for so long now that I honestly don't know if dementia has a role in it or not. Living so far apart, I really can't get a read at where she may be at in the progression of the disease.

 

All I know is that i'm keeping this door firmly shut. I feel guilty, thinking that this may be her way of feeling useful, but we had several battles when we first started hsing, w/her thinking she should have a central role, approving curric, being included in picking curric, b/c "I'm a REAL teacher!" and I just don't want to do anything that's going to open that can of worms all over again.

 

I'd be more than happy to send her drawings, paintings, art projects that we do...except all the does is criticize them. Same when Tazzie and Princess, who were *just* learning to print (copy work, no tracing) sent her a little note. Complaints about neatness, punctuation, letter was too short...never a thank you, or an encouragement to the kids, all negativity.

 

And that's just not ok. It hurts the kids, when they get wind of it, it hurts Wolf to see, once again, that she can't just be a kind, loving person towards a child.

[Nakia]

Don't let her talk to the kids. Sounds cold, but it's what I would do. Without hesitation. Until she accepts and respects the boundaries and the word "no" then she doesn't get to talk to them. Stop her mail from getting to you. Here in the US, you can take out a restraining order on someone who continues mail harassment. Can you do that?

 

I am not saying this as a person who hasn't btdt. I have with my father, and to some extent, my mother. It's hard, it sucks, but it cures this crap. I don't get why you and your husband keep dealing with it. You two need to ask yourself some tough questions. Does she contribute anything positive to your life? Your kids' lives? Is there hope of a normal relationship? Do you spend more time dealing with her craziness than you spend building healthy relationships for your family? Answer those questions, cut her crap out of your life, and be done. Decide you won't spend any more energy and time on it. Really you can't blame her anymore. You are choosing to engage her.

 

I know this sounds harsh, and I'm usually not a harsh person. I don't mean it to sound that way. I would like for you to live better than this. Life's too short.

[Ewe Mama]

How about you turn the dementia card around on her?

 

You gave them an assignment? What assignment? There wasn't anything about that in your letter!

 

I think you must be imagining things, MIL. I know Wolf told you in the past that the dc don't have time to do such things. You have complied so beautifully! I think you must have only thought about having Diva answer questions about herons. But then you remembered that we don't have time for extra work, so you didn't write about that in your letter.

 

It will be ok, MIL. Let's get you to that doctor. Maybe he can help you out.

 

;)

[QuirkyKapers]

How about you turn the dementia card around on her?

 

You gave them an assignment? What assignment? There wasn't anything about that in your letter!

 

I think you must be imagining things, MIL. I know Wolf told you in the past that the dc don't have time to do such things. You have complied so beautifully! I think you must have only thought about having Diva answer questions about herons. But then you remembered that we don't have time for extra work, so you didn't write about that in your letter.

 

It will be ok, MIL. Let's get you to that doctor. Maybe he can help you out.

 

;)

 

:lol::lol: Good one! Instead of her making you lose your mind, well, this is turning the tables. The other idea I have about this is perhaps you can give the stuff to your kids and have them decide if they want to do it or not. Than you could tell MIL the activities are extra curricular and if they have time or are interested, the kids do them. I wouldn't send them back to be critiqued. Certainly, the kids don't owe her answers to the assignments. I could see my kids being interested in Heron, so they would do it. However, they probably wouldn't do it they way she laid out :tongue_smilie:Oh- how about for researching activities, the kids get to choose what they want to study. You can tell her the "ideas" (ideas is such a more pleasant term than assignments isn't it, it implies choice right?) she sent are in a file folder so they have that as a helpful hint if they don't come up with their own ideas.

 

I get it though. If you are done, than you are done. Just had to add, the file folder could just be the trash can :)

Edited August 25, 2012 by QuirkyKapers

[SonshineLearner]

How about saying something like, "That is an interesting assignment. If we can work through all of our schoolwork, the kids may be able to get to those" :)

[Impish]

How about saying something like, "That is an interesting assignment. If we can work through all of our schoolwork, the kids may be able to get to those" :)

That would only encourage her to bug the carp out of us.

Don't let her talk to the kids. Sounds cold, but it's what I would do. Without hesitation. Until she accepts and respects the boundaries and the word "no" then she doesn't get to talk to them. Stop her mail from getting to you. Here in the US, you can take out a restraining order on someone who continues mail harassment. Can you do that?

 

I am not saying this as a person who hasn't btdt. I have with my father, and to some extent, my mother. It's hard, it sucks, but it cures this crap. I don't get why you and your husband keep dealing with it. You two need to ask yourself some tough questions. Does she contribute anything positive to your life? Your kids' lives? Is there hope of a normal relationship? Do you spend more time dealing with her craziness than you spend building healthy relationships for your family? Answer those questions, cut her crap out of your life, and be done. Decide you won't spend any more energy and time on it. Really you can't blame her anymore. You are choosing to engage her.

 

I know this sounds harsh, and I'm usually not a harsh person. I don't mean it to sound that way. I would like for you to live better than this. Life's too short.

Generally speaking, we don't let her talk to the kids. She calls after they're in bed. Or she calls 3pm her time, which, in her head is the second school should be over, and I don't take those calls.

 

Wolf feels a duty, obligation, responsibility to her. She's elderly. He won't walk away from her. I try and deal w/her as little as possible. But, I cannot ask the same of him. It's his mother, and he has to make any decisions w/out my pushing/pulling.

[SunnyDays]

Certainly, Wolf feels responsibility for his mother. But that doesn't have to extend to you being driven crazy.

 

I would tell her, once, the two of you together if possible: "Mom, I know you like to send assignments to the kids, but please stop. Imp is the teacher and decides on their curriculum and assignments. I have to ask you not to do that anymore." Then, if it continues, "Mom, we talked about this. No more assignments. They will not be completed." Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

It's tough, and under the circumstances, I think that's far polite enough, KWIM?? She's made it very clear that she doesn't do subtlety. Sorry that this is just one more thing you're having to deal with. :grouphug: