Creepy or not creepy? Aka-- my son is furious with me

[JumpyTheFrog]

Tell the pastor, deacons, elders, and other parents. However, be prepared for the church to not do anything about it, or even for people to turn on you. I've read a few stories lately at The Wartburg Watch about pastors allowing known pedophiles to be members of their churches and kicking out parents who object. It seems that they are far too quick to believe "repentant" pedophiles instead of protecting kids from these monsters.

[FO4UR]

Joanne's right, she's the only one who honed in on that other fact you said, that the boys had already been taken away together with him without another adult.

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

My dh has been in the ministry for years...youth/children/pastoral. He would NEVER put himself in that situation or allow another adult leader to do so under his watch. This is basic ministry protocol.

 

I am betting that the pastor does NOT know about this. I am guessing that it will take a chat with the pastor to end his access to the kids via the church. (My dh, and every pastor I've ever known, would only need the smallest concrete reason to act...can't act on a parent's suspicion alone, but will move quickly on fact. kwim) Meanwhile, I would absolutely give an ultimatum that as long as _____ has access to kids at church, MY kids will not be attending. Period.

 

 

There needs to be some active digging to find out what has already happened. That might involve police. That might cause some extremely mixed emotions. (I had a teacher convicted once...and some people were angry at the victim for causing all the students to lose a favorite teacher.:glare:) The victim(s) deserved protection and justice regardless.

 

 

The pressure for baptism withOUT communication with you on the subject is never OK. Combine that with the rest of what you have posted, and I feel safe in saying that he's using a psuedo-spiritual authority to gain trust/loyalty as part of his grooming. Sick Sick Sick!!! (To compare - and my dh is big on baptism - my dh would meet face-to-face with parents & child and explain what baptism is and what it means and then leave the decision up to the child/parents. This meeting would happen after the child expressed an interest or curiosity.)

[amydavis]

Totally creepy. It's okay for your son to be furious with you, but you'll just have to know better than he does in this case.

 

 

:iagree:

[8circles]

Joanne's right, she's the only one who honed in on that other fact you said, that the boys had already been taken away together with him without another adult.

 

I did, I did! Maybe I was too subtle..

[FO4UR]

Tell the pastor, deacons, elders, and other parents. However, be prepared for the church to not do anything about it, or even for people to turn on you. I've read a few stories lately at The Wartburg Watch about pastors allowing known pedophiles to be members of their churches and kicking out parents who object. It seems that they are far too quick to believe "repentant" pedophiles instead of protecting kids from these monsters.

 

 

That is certainly not representative of every church.

[dtsmamtj]

:svengo::eek: :banghead: I could care less if my son was upset with me - this guy is totally out of line!!

[tex-mex]

It is inappropriate, and taking the boys off the property was irresponsible. Nothing about what you said sits well with me. My son would not be going on outings with that same person unless other adults were present.

 

While the man may not have any ill-intentions toward the boys, he is still behaving inappropriately and "unprofessionally" (couldn't think of the right word..was thinking immaturely).

:iagree:

 

Not to mention... lawsuit. Love to see the church reaction to that word. ;) You can bet the guy will be asked to leave the group. I would check on what exactly went on during that mission trip, btw.

[Catwoman]

My 12 year old son's bible teacher texted my son.

 

He invited my son and about 4 other boys to his "ranch" about 6 hours north for the weekend. it's NOT a church event, just asked the boys in his class if they wanted to go... It's a boys only class.

 

While my son is NAGGING me to say yes, hubby and I are asking a thousand questions, as this is the first we've heard of this, we've never met the teacher before, he is NOT church staff, just a volunteer.

 

No emails, no phone calls, nothing to us parents. He's talking to our son and the other boys ONLY (not asking parents).

 

SON MENTIONS that while on a mission trip with his church group over spring break, this same adult has already taken my son and a few of his friends off the mission trip property, in his own vehicle, and drove to this ranch for a period of time to see the ranch. With no other adults. Just a group of boys age 11-13. I'm told it was for a driving tour only, according to son...

(NOBODY told us of this! We did NOT give permission for this!)

 

 

 

I think I would be calling my local police and informing them of exactly what occurred. I know I sound paranoid, but what if this guy hadn't brought the kids back??? He took children in his car without parental permission. That is NOT OK. It sounds to me like he's testing the waters to see how much he can get away with, and is grooming the boys to trust him and not tell their parents what's going on.

 

And honestly, if it had been my ds, he would have been in an incredible amount of trouble for going with this man without clearing it with me or my dh first.

 

One other thing -- what kind of rotten lousy supervision does the mission trip have, if this guy can get away with taking a group of boys off the property for a few hours at a time??? Nobody noticed that they were missing? Frankly, I would be livid over this entire situation.

 

Like everyone else, I'm seeing huge red flags. I'm so glad you and your dh are on the same page with this, and that you are taking action against this guy. I would definitely contact the police, in addition to your pastor, because for all you know, this guy is already a convicted pedophile.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Catwoman

[Mrs Mungo]

LOL-- My husband and I are both leadership in cub scouts AND boy scouts. We DO the training every year (even though it's required every 2!) My son is a boy scout! he KNOWS this-- he just is still an invincible 12 year old. :(

 

I made hubby read this thread, so he knows I'm not being a paranoid momma! :lol: Thanks so much for confirming what i already suspected!

 

I have been accused by friends and family of being a helicopter parent/overprotective (mainly because I homeschool). So to get validation from ya'll is soooo good to hear!

 

Oh, wow! This makes me concerned that even though parents are instructed to talk about this stuff and do the training, that it is not effective for the boys.

[PrairieSong]

Extremely creepy!! Do you have names of the other boys who were also invited to the ranch? Or who went on the unsupervised side trip with this guy at mission trip? I'd want to talk to the other parents, too, or have the pastor talk to them.

[Harriet Vane]

Creepy and inappropriate.

[momma2three]

I think I would be calling my local police and informing them of exactly what occurred. I know I sound paranoid, but what if this guy hadn't brought the kids back??? He took children in his car without parental permission. That is NOT OK. It sounds to me like he's testing the waters to see how much he can get away with, and is grooming the boys to trust him and not tell their parents what's going on.

 

And honestly, if it had been my ds, he would have been in an incredible amount of trouble for going with this man without clearing it with me or my dh first.

 

One other thing -- what kind of rotten lousy supervision does the mission trip have, if this guy can get away with taking a group of boys off the property for a few hours at a time??? Nobody noticed that they were missing? Frankly, I would be livid over this entire situation.

 

Like everyone else, I'm seeing huge red flags. I'm so glad you and your dh are on the same page with this, and that you are taking action against this guy. I would definitely contact the police, in addition to your pastor, because for all you know, this guy is already a convicted pedophile.

 

:iagree:

[Adrienne_in_TX]

I haven't read the other responses, but CREEPY! If you feel uncomfortable (and I definitely would) that's your mom alarm going off . . . trust it. Any arrangements should be made through parents, and the church needs to be alerted that they have a volunteer "going rogue". It sounds like, at the very least, the church needs to train people of procedures.

[Guest submarines]

Tell the pastor, deacons, elders, and other parents. However, be prepared for the church to not do anything about it, or even for people to turn on you. I've read a few stories lately at The Wartburg Watch about pastors allowing known pedophiles to be members of their churches and kicking out parents who object. It seems that they are far too quick to believe "repentant" pedophiles instead of protecting kids from these monsters.

 

:iagree:I personally experienced a church's cover up, and then watched them to continue cover up the same "leader" for 2 years, until they finally took action.

 

I'm not saying that this is the norm, but I'd be prepared for this possibility as well.

[mommaduck]

Blind posting...only read OP:

 

No, heck no! Sorry, I've seen this type of thing before. Military officer, deacon of the church, spending a lot of time with boys whose parents aren't involved (texting only the boys and not talking to the parents will test which boys have involved parents), etc...yep, he molested and raped multiple boys in two different churches, in two different states. He did time, but got to keep his entire military retirement pension :glare:

[yslek]

Adding another :iagree: to the creepy vote. Praying nothing terrible has happened to anyone, and that your dh's conversation with pastor goes well tomorrow.

[JoLuRu]

Totally creepy, and I would absolutely block his number from calling DS again. I would contact the pastor and possibly the police. This sets off ALL of my creepy radar.

 

Your instincts are there for a reason. I'm glad you're listening to them.

[TranquilMind]

joyfulheart: My 12 year old son's bible teacher texted my son.

 

He invited my son and about 4 other boys to his "ranch" about 6 hours north for the weekend. it's NOT a church event, just asked the boys in his class if they wanted to go... It's a boys only class.

 

While my son is NAGGING me to say yes, hubby and I are asking a thousand questions, as this is the first we've heard of this, we've never met the teacher before, he is NOT church staff, just a volunteer.

 

No emails, no phone calls, nothing to us parents. He's talking to our son and the other boys ONLY (not asking parents).

 

 

 

This needs to go directly to the pastor. There is something really wrong here.

 

SON MENTIONS that while on a mission trip with his church group over spring break, this same adult has already taken my son and a few of his friends off the mission trip property, in his own vehicle, and drove to this ranch for a period of time to see the ranch. With no other adults. Just a group of boys age 11-13. I'm told it was for a driving tour only, according to son...

(NOBODY told us of this! We did NOT give permission for this!)

 

 

Have you checked him out on the free site to see if he is an offender? There is no way this can happen. The pastor needs to stop this immediately.

 

Even if this guy IS harmless, it is WRONG-- just WRONG to be communicating with the kids without the parents. It's WRONG to take my kid without my permission to his property. It's WRONG to text my 12 year old!

 

 

Yes, everything you say.

 

freaking... freaking... freaking out....

 

**Making an appointment to speak to pastor as soon as they open tomorrow!

 

 

So glad to see this.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug::grouphug: i'm thankful your son asked you this time!

 

a) if you are a part of a mainline denomination, there are rules, and guidelines, and a committee charged with dealing with complaints. i would check on line for the rules before seeing the pastor. i would contact the diocese or presbytery, and ask for the chair of the specific committee.

 

b) i would not be going back to church until i knew that person was gone. and maybe not even then. because someone on that mission trip must have known. and done nothing. bail. bail.

 

c) i would change ds's cell number.

 

d) and you are not in this alone. you need to let the other parents know, because maybe their sons didn't ask. and if any of the kids on the mission trip isn't around so much any more, i'd be contacting that family to find out what they know that you don't. it is much harder to dismiss six sets of parents than just one.

 

e) unless this youth pastor is ordained, he can't do a baptism, and that should be the domain of the ordained clergy. ie. in most churches, most of the time, the one with the authority to baptize is the one who takes the lead.

 

f) :grouphug: i hate that we have to teach our kids this. and that we need to be so aware ourselves. :grouphug:

 

ann

[NanceXToo]

Wow. I would be flipping out. I don't care if he's so mad he's jumping up and down and standing on his head, there is NO WAY he would be going on this trip. He'll get it when he's older. Until then, this is why you're the parent and he's not.

 

I would DEFINITELY find a way to contact the other parents, or as many as you can possibly get a hold of- both the parents of the kids who were supposedly taken off on their own in the past, and the kids who are invited to this upcoming trip (if they are not already all the same kids). Find out their thoughts on this, and their experiences with this person. It may give you new information to take to the pastor, or raise more awareness if they start contacting him, too.

 

I wouldn't ONLY report it to your pastor. I'd report it to whoever is "above" him.

 

I would block the guy's number, but keep in mind if he really wants to get in touch with your son, he could try from another number. Or your son might rebel a bit and try to contact the guy. So you might want to let the guy know in no uncertain terms that you no longer want him contacting your son. Maybe text him and say something like: "This is so-and-so's mother. I find it very disturbing that you are contacting my son, rather than his parents, about a trip to your ranch, about his baptism, and so on. I am even more disturbed by the fact that son told me you took him and several other boys in your car to your ranch with no other adults present and NO PARENTAL PERMISSION during a mission trip. What were you thinking? You should know better, especially after all of the recent Jerry Sandusky news reports, than to take young boys off alone in this manner. Husband and I are are on the same page with this and will be discussing our concerns with the pastor. Even if your motives are entirely innocent, and I certainly hope they are, common sense should tell you that there is potential liability in this for you and the church, and that it is not at all appropriate to take a minor child somewhere on your own without permission, or to invite them anywhere without talking to their parents. As an adult, you should certainly be capable of understanding what sort of red flags this situation raises for a parent. Because our number one priority is our child's safety and not someone else's feelings, please note that you are not to call or text my child again, or to approach him at church events."

[southcarolinamom]

All the other posters have said it best. Wow, that's a lot of red flags flying.

 

 

1. Always, always, always have 2 adults present on church youth outings as well as in church classroom settings

2. Always get parental permission

3. Parents as well as kids should be emailed about the details of the outings

 

 

I look forward to hearing what happens today at the OP's church meeting.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Not even close to the range of appropriate. At their age, all communication goes through the parents, and you do NOT ever take children off site without explicit permission. Clueless at best, and very dangerous at worst. Your Mama Bear bells are ringing for good reason and you're doing the right thing.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[tvaleri]

Originally Posted by Catwoman

I think I would be calling my local police and informing them of exactly what occurred. I know I sound paranoid, but what if this guy hadn't brought the kids back??? He took children in his car without parental permission. That is NOT OK. It sounds to me like he's testing the waters to see how much he can get away with, and is grooming the boys to trust him and not tell their parents what's going on.

 

And honestly, if it had been my ds, he would have been in an incredible amount of trouble for going with this man without clearing it with me or my dh first.

 

One other thing -- what kind of rotten lousy supervision does the mission trip have, if this guy can get away with taking a group of boys off the property for a few hours at a time??? Nobody noticed that they were missing? Frankly, I would be livid over this entire situation.

 

Like everyone else, I'm seeing huge red flags. I'm so glad you and your dh are on the same page with this, and that you are taking action against this guy. I would definitely contact the police, in addition to your pastor, because for all you know, this guy is already a convicted pedophile.

 

:iagree:

 

Not only is this creepy, it's dangerous. As for the pedophile, check your local sex offender registry. It will unnerve you.

 

Angry with you,

Teresa

[Trish]

Haven't read all the pages, but hopefully you've removed your son from Creepy Guy's class.

[Katy]

Sex offender registries:

 

Since you said you live in Dallas and the Ranch is 6 hours north, here are some sex offender registry links to check.

 

Texas: https://records.txdps.state.tx.us/DPS_WEB/SorNew/index.aspx

 

Oklahoma: http://docapp8.doc.state.ok.us/servlet/page?_pageid=230&_dad=portal30&_schema=PORTAL30&SearchMode=Registry&delinquent_public=Y&SearchAll=ALL

 

Kansas: http://www.theoffenderlist.com/Kansas_Sex_Offender_List__K.html

 

Arkansas: http://acic.org/Registration/index.htm

[mom2bee]

Get this man's number from your sons phone and contact him directly. Don't wait.

 

Get the pastor involved ASAP. Delay getting the police involved.

 

 

Also, parents, please. If you give your 12 year olds phones, teach them (FORBID THEM) from giving the number to people you don't approve first.

 

Teach them to say: "I have to ask my parents before I can give you my number." or "My parents need to MEET you and okay you, before I can give you my number"

 

Punish them when they violate that boundary.

[Alessandra]

I agree.

 

But, I have a suggestion. Sit down with your son. Go to the Boy Scouts of America website and watch their Youth Protection training video. Maybe that would help your son understand why it is a red flag.

 

I was going to suggest this video too. The first part emphasizes how predators are usually nice friendly people that kids like and trust. The second part goes over the two deep rule in all possible situations. Perhaps your ds could see how differently the youth pastor is behaving.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: i'm thankful your son asked you this time!

 

a) if you are a part of a mainline denomination, there are rules, and guidelines, and a committee charged with dealing with complaints. i would check on line for the rules before seeing the pastor. i would contact the diocese or presbytery, and ask for the chair of the specific committee.

 

b) i would not be going back to church until i knew that person was gone. and maybe not even then. because someone on that mission trip must have known. and done nothing. bail. bail.

 

c) i would change ds's cell number.

 

d) and you are not in this alone. you need to let the other parents know, because maybe their sons didn't ask. and if any of the kids on the mission trip isn't around so much any more, i'd be contacting that family to find out what they know that you don't. it is much harder to dismiss six sets of parents than just one.

 

e) unless this youth pastor is ordained, he can't do a baptism, and that should be the domain of the ordained clergy. ie. in most churches, most of the time, the one with the authority to baptize is the one who takes the lead.

 

f) :grouphug: i hate that we have to teach our kids this. and that we need to be so aware ourselves. :grouphug:

 

ann

 

All this, and I would go to police too. The head pastor/church leadership has a conflict of interest, as I see it. They do not want a scandal and may put that before swift action to protect kids.

[NotSoObvious]

I agree with others.

 

Change his number.

Demand that guy be removed from working with youth.

Contact the other parents.

 

I don't know if I would be calling the police just yet(even though I'd want to!), but I would definitely tell the pastor that that is next on your list!!

[sunnylady303]

I wonder if you are convinced yet that this is creepy? :tongue_smilie:

 

Let us know what you do and how it goes.

[mom2bee]

Hubby is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt on the phone-- he may have assumed it was a parent's phone... but the rest I won't budge on.

 

Is your pastor in the white pages. LOOK HIM UP.

 

Also, who is the text message addressed to? If they msg reads along the lines of

"This is a formal invitation from (creepy guys) private ranch, for any of the boys in the mission group class for ages 10-14, who would like to go fishing/boating, whatevering...blah blah, blah" then maybe.

 

If it reads along the lines of: "Hey, sonny boy, wanna hang out at my place? For X days?"

 

Then there's no doubt from whence this creepy guy could benefit in my book. Sorry.

[Zebra]

CREEPY!

 

If the guy is innocent, then he is too dumb and naive to be responsible for my child, KWIM? Someone needs to talk to him from your church and at least explain how things work in the modern world.

 

And if he is a nice guy, just wanting to show off his ranch, then there is a whole protocol to be followed.

[Marylou]

It's better to have an angry but safe son now than a violated, angry son on Dateline next year. :grouphug:

 

What is your husband doing that weekend? Can he plan a special get-away with your son for some fun one-on-one time at a place your son would love? Do they like being together? I hope so.

[Mommyfaithe]

This is creepy and wrong! Yuck! Tell the pastor, call the other boys parents, and let this creeper know to stay away from your son.....and the other kids. Let him know dh and you are aware he is acting inappropriately and WILL call the police if there is any suspicious activity whatsoever!

 

Change ds's phone#

 

Let ds know exactly what can happen....he is old enough and needs to protect himself.

 

Let ds know he is not in trouble, but it is still your job to protect him from creepers.

 

:grouphug:

Sorry you are dealing with this. The nerve of some people!

[Lanny]

Your 12 year old son is completely wrong to be upset with you. He does not understand the potential danger. It is our job, as parents, to try to teach our children about dangerous situations and to try to keep them safe. Avoid this man and do not let your son be near him, without you or your husband being present! Could be an innocent situation, but then again, it could lead to tragedy. Better safe than sorry.

[Bassoonaroo]

Read the first page, the 14th page and nothing in between.

 

This year, I am going to be an asst. leader for my dd's American Heritage Girls' troop and just yesterday took the Boy Scout personal safety training (as AHG has the same personal safety policies as BSA).

 

Anyway, the policies that they use are common sense and could be applied here. For example, never should it be one-on-one with an adult and a child. If an adult needs to correct a child, he'll do it within view of others. Never is one adult with a group -- always two or more. Adults need to watch out for "grooming" behaviors.

 

The training video is free online and your church would be doing well to watch it and consider adopting the procedures in it.

 

I agree with all the PPs: C R E E P Y

 

I worry about the boys who are allowed to go to this. Can someone check up on them?

[twinmami01]

Creepy. Totally inappropriate and I would risk Ds being upset with me. :grouphug:

[bzymom]

I find it difficult to believe that any sane adult with good intentions would not know better than this.

 

The other parents all need to be aware of this, the kids all need to be protected. This guy is not just throwing up red flags--he is waving them from the mountaintops.

 

I would be sure to be very vocal and very clear with him that any attempted contact with my son would result in police intervention, and I would follow through.

 

This guy is more than a creep.

[BlsdMama]

Creepy. I bet everyone agrees on this.

 

:iagree:

 

Our rule for Boy Scouts was if dad didn't go, son didn't go. And it irked him once too. We all survived that with no regrets.

 

Tell son, you are really, truly sorry, but your job is to raise him up and protect him and that's the way that goes.

[Parrothead]

With the people who say it is creepy. Not only is it creepy, but the guy is just stupid for even thinking any of these trips are a good idea.

[Parrothead]

Hubby and I are on the same page.

 

We don't have the pastors phone number, Dallas churches don't do that. LOL

Hubby did send him an email asking for an urgent face-to-face meeting, hopefully for coffee first thing in the morning, or at worst, tomorrow after he gets home from work.

 

Hubby and I agree that he is NOT going on the trip. I believe there is another calss he can be in, so that will be moved... And sadly, we may not do any further mission trips if that adult is going. Sad, because son loves the mission trips. :(

 

Hubby is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt on the phone-- he may have assumed it was a parent's phone... but the rest I won't budge on.

The bolded on top of 1. Segregated by sex classes and 2. the text that went out I'd be looking for a new church.

 

The creep factor is in the stratosphere.

[Sahamamama]

I am freaking out-- this is just too creepy!

 

:iagree:

 

Even if this guy IS harmless, it is WRONG-- just WRONG to be communicating with the kids without the parents. It's WRONG to take my kid without my permission to his property. It's WRONG to text my 12 year old!

 

:iagree:

 

freaking... freaking... freaking out....

 

**Making an appointment to speak to pastor as soon as they open tomorrow!

 

:iagree:Your instincts do you credit. Talk to the pastor ASAP, and let your son be furious.

 

FWIW, my perspective on these types of things is seriously skewed... :glare: I was 12 years old when I was raped by two drifters at my grandmother's house. I was placed in a situation that my parents could have (and should have) prevented.

 

Life is never quite the same again, after something like that. :angelsad2: Twelve is vulnerable, not indestructible. Let your son be furious.

 

Furthermore, something might happen and you would never know. I held it in for 12 years... how do you think my parents felt about my "happy childhood" when they learned the truth after 12 years? They said they thought it explained my teen years, but at the time, they thought I was "moody." Hmmm... moody. :glare: Inter-galactic, eternal understatement.

 

Furious is better than unsafe. :tongue_smilie:Let your son be furious. Let your pastor be informed. Let your protection protect. My two cents.

[Kathryn]

Everyone is correct here. He has lready broken trust and violated procedures that are nearly universal at churches these days for safety and liability reasons. He is either so incompetent as to not be trusted with children, or he has ulterior motives. Either way, it's creepy that it has come to this.

 

In meeting with the pastor, I'd want to know point blank what they know abut this man, what kind of background checks were done, and what they know about his previous interactions with the boys.

 

As a minister in the 1950s, my grandfather once ejected a member for abusing children (or suspected, I can't recall. I want to say the man went to jail for a while). My mother remembers him getting a phone call during vacation one year. He immediately packed a suitcase and went to the airport. She found out years later that he flew from Maine to Colorado in order to meet face to face with the pastor of the church that he heard this man had joined. There was no sort of national registry back then, but there were still clergy that were vigilent and concerned about keeping these types of people from using churches to abuse children. Today, with as much as these situations are in the media, there is absolutely no excuse for a church allowing someone to circumvent safe church practices, regardless of whether or not they can prove his motives are unpure.

[Pippen]

Everyone is correct here. He has lready broken trust and violated procedures that are nearly universal at churches these days for safety and liability reasons. He is either so incompetent as to not be trusted with children, or he has ulterior motives. Either way, it's creepy that it has come to this.

 

In meeting with the pastor, I'd want to know point blank what they know abut this man, what kind of background checks were done, and what they know about his previous interactions with the boys.

 

.

 

I haven't read all the posts but do be sure and make sure that your church has some sort of child protection policy in place. It should include volunteer screening and reference checks.

[ErinE]

I think the consensus is clear; the youth minister volunteer was wrong, whatever his motivation. You've received great advice on how to handle the church so I have nothing to add.

 

For your son, I would spend time letting him know that he is not in trouble. He did the right thing coming to you and asking your permission. He was right to tell you about the unauthorized trip to the ranch, and he is not in trouble for going. He trusted a representative of the church, BUT he needs to know there are people willing to do him harm and most of the time, they will be someone in a position of trust and authority. I think your son needs love, care, and understanding right now. Beyond his disappointment at missing out on a "fun time," he may view himself as the cause of his parents' great distress. Let him know you love him and fear others hurting him.

 

Do let him know that he should always tell you when an adult is contacting him directly. He can ALWAYS tell you anything; many predators try to isolate children by making the contact a secret or creating fear the parents will be upset or disgusted with the child. I think open communication and lots of individual attention are needed to help your son handle the situation.

Edited August 15, 2012 by ErinE

[Catwoman]

 

FWIW, my perspective on these types of things is seriously skewed... :glare: I was 12 years old when I was raped by two drifters at my grandmother's house. I was placed in a situation that my parents could have (and should have) prevented.

 

Life is never quite the same again, after something like that. :angelsad2: Twelve is vulnerable, not indestructible. Let your son be furious.

 

Furthermore, something might happen and you would never know. I held it in for 12 years... how do you think my parents felt about my "happy childhood" when they learned the truth after 12 years? They said they thought it explained my teen years, but at the time, they thought I was "moody." Hmmm... moody. :glare: Inter-galactic, eternal understatement.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry that something so horrible happened to you. My ds is 12 right now, and while I know I can be overprotective, it's stories like yours that make me feel good about my decision.

 

It's even worse that you held it all inside for 12 years. It's hard enough to get through something like that when you have lots of support, but all alone? I can't even imagine how you managed. :grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

Agree with everyone else. Keep your kid away from that guy. Tell your pastor and other church leadership. I say inform other church leadership as well because one person knowing may not be enough to get an appropriate response by the church. And if there was no response, I would leave the church and put in writing everything this man did in your explanation why you are leaving. Because sadly a paper trail may be needed to help some other child down the line if they don't act now.

 

does your church require adults working with children in any capacity go through training? My church (Episcopal) does. All those things would go against anything said in training.

[jujsky]

:iagree:

 

Our rule for Boy Scouts was if dad didn't go, son didn't go. And it irked him once too. We all survived that with no regrets.

 

Tell son, you are really, truly sorry, but your job is to raise him up and protect him and that's the way that goes.

 

Heck, our rule for our Spiral Scouts group is no adult is alone with a child at any time -- ever -- unless it's their own kid. It's not just for the child's protection, but our own. If this guy already took this group of boys once without parental permission, he's either grooming them or really, really stupid/naive. OP, I'm glad you're taking this seriously. You're a good mama!

[Kathryn]

Agree with everyone else. Keep your kid away from that guy. Tell your pastor and other church leadership. I say inform other church leadership as well because one person knowing may not be enough to get an appropriate response by the church. And if there was no response, I would leave the church and put in writing everything this man did in your explanation why you are leaving. Because sadly a paper trail may be needed to help some other child down the line if they don't act now.

 

does your church require adults working with children in any capacity go through training? My church (Episcopal) does. All those things would go against anything said in training.

 

I'm Episcopalian. I went through training and background checks to be able to be in a room with a window in the door and another adult with children. My kids aren't youth group age yet, but I've seen plenty of pictures of their trips and activities. There are always multiple adults. One of our members has a mountain cabin that she lets the youth group use. There are always two or more adults in addition to her.

 

ETA: usually a husband/wife team does not count as two different people. They have to be unrelated.

[Lanny]

I wrote my first reply to this thread (#138), after reading only the post of the OP. Now, after reading the entire thread, I have a couple more comments. I read that the OP lives in or near Dallas. I lived in or near Dallas for 28 years. I suggest to the OP that she contact the Crime Prevention Officer/Department of her local P.D., this morning! One thing is a Child Predator. Another thing is has what this man done, taking the boys, with their permission, but without their parents permission, involved the crime of Kidnapping? I am not sure what the definition of Kidnapping is in Texas, but with Minor Children, there may be some Felony that has been committed, that does not involve molestation.

[Woodhaven]

Your church should have policies in place, and inforced, to prevent something like this from happening. The boys should not have ever been alone with one adult male. If your church does have policies in place, then someone failed to follow them. Surely someone noticed the boys were gone? Asked where they were? Followed up on what happened? Spoke to this man? Surely this behavior will not be news to anyone in leadership!

 

If they are not already aware of his behavior with the boys, something is wrong. I'd make certain the church staff/elders knew. I'd also contact the police and tell the church I did. I would also contact all the other boys in the group and tell the church I did.

 

I know no one wants to be assused of spreading rumors, but this is serious.

 

This situation is TOTALLY unexceptable. The church leadership must take this seriously. This man must not be allowed to continue contact with any children again unsupervised.

 

I hope your church leadership is on board with you. Otherwise I would NOT return there again. And I WOULD be certain to contact the police.