How Would You Respond to a Well-Intentioned Insult?

[Education Explorers]

I received the following email from my widowed 85 year old father-in law:

HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN

DOLOVE THEM ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU BOTH

DO SOMETHING NOW BEFORE SOMETHING LIFE THREATENING HAPPENS

LIKE A STROKE OR A HEART ATTACK

DO SOMETHING NOW

YOU BOTH HAVE FAMILY HISTORIES THAT MAKE YOU VULNERABLE

SON, YOUR MOMS MOTHER DIED WHEN SHE WAS WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD

THIS AFFECTED THE REST OF HER LIFE

DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR KIDS,START ON DIET AND EXERCISE PROGRAM NOW LOVE GRAMPERS

 

I am flabbergasted. I know he means well, but could he go about this in a worse way? Are my husband and I overweight? Yes. Are we obese? No! Could we both stand to loose 15-20 pounds? Sure. If I did, that would make me about a size 6. Overweight; yes, rotund; no.

 

How would you respond?

[kricau]

WOW !!! That was blunt. My mother usually just insults me about my weight (which is technically 5 lbs "overweight") with a smarthy comment about it being "harder to get off now that you are older" LOL She like to insult in pairs LOL Weight and age :)

[EJCMom]

:001_huh:

Sounds like he's becoming senile.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Too much Dr. Oz.....:D

[Samiam]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

[Education Explorers]

WOW !!! That was blunt. My mother usually just insults me about my weight (which is technically 5 lbs "overweight") with a smarthy comment about it being "harder to get off now that you are older" LOL She like to insult in pairs LOL Weight and age :)

 

I feel that this is the domain of Mothers. My mom who whole-heartedly believes in "calling a spade a spade" is extremely blunt. She would NEVER, at her most snide or snippy, say something like this.

 

She would simply pat my rear or tummy and say, "This could use a little work."

 

If my mother-in-law was still alive, she would have wrung his neck for a comment like this. She would NEVER EVER allowed him to say something like this. When she passed, so did his "social-filter."

 

It is making me a bit paranoid. Like it is time to go buy a "wide load" sticker and put it on my rear end as a caution for all who might be in danger. Geez!

[DianeW88]

I would ignore it, and just write him a nice email back thanking him for his concern. You get some slack when you're 85. Also, I'm impressed that he's 85 and uses email. My 80 year old MIL won't get within ten feet of a computer!

[TranquilMind]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

 

Right. This is his JOB right now, to try to increase the longevity of everyone around him and to feel useful. Let him.

[KidsHappen]

I would have much rather heard this this past week than the dr saying your hubby has just had a massive heart attack. I don't know that we would have paid it the same heed, afterall my hubby's dr has been telling him the same thing for the past five years. Due to recent events in my life I am going to have to fall on the side of: sometimes hard things need to be said and if they need to be said they probably also need to be heard. Let this be your wake up call because the one you get in the hospital is much harder to recover from. :grouphug:

[aggieamy]

"Thanks for the concern, Dad. Always nice to hear from you. Say, how's that bluebird house project coming along? . . . "

 

:iagree:

 

If this was a history of very rude and mean behavior then my response would be different. A normally kind grandfather? Just ignore and be friendly.

[besroma]

"Thanks for the concern, Dad. Always nice to hear from you. Say, how's that bluebird house project coming along? . . . "

 

:iagree:

[fraidycat]

"Thanks for your concern. We love you, too. Love, Us"

 

:D

[WishboneDawn]

It looks like it was a heartfelt message written by someone who's not really familiar with formatting emails and isn't comfortable with written messages.

 

I would just thank my dad for his concern.

[Greta]

Is it even your weight that he's talking about? I don't know the situation, but all I gathered from the email was that he was talking about a genetic tendency toward disease, and wants you to take steps to prevent that from becoming a problem. I didn't think about it being weight related at all until I read your comment. So I'm just saying that perhaps he didn't intend it the way you took it? Maybe? And also, I do think that someone who is 85 and facing their own mortality is likely to see things a little differently than those of us who think we still have many decades ahead of us. I am very sorry that the email hurt you. :grouphug: But I think in your shoes, I would try my best to assume that he was motivated by love, even if his style could have used some . . . refinement. :). Thank him for his concern, then pass the bean dip.

[elfgivas]

to him?

 

"thanks for your concern. we love you, too".

 

to myself?

 

"okay, so he's right. it wouldn't bother me so much if he weren't."

 

then i'd plan the week's menu so that we were eating at home for each meal, get rid of the stuff in the house that i know we shouldn't be eating/snacking on, and start. excel spreadsheet, scale in the kitchen, everyone weigh in every morning.

 

(but then, this is near and dear to my heart. i am down 20 pounds, dh down nearly 50 since a year ago this time.... precisely because it needed to be done and because we wanted to live long enough to love our grandbabies, should they ever come along....)

 

it was really, really, hard.

it was so worth it.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

ann

[gardenmom5]

How would you respond?

 

he's 85. ignore it.

[UnsinkableKristen]

"Thanks for the concern, Dad. Always nice to hear from you. Say, how's that bluebird house project coming along? . . . "

 

 

:iagree:

[redsquirrel]

I would not respond nor mention it. Just ignore it. It was astonishingly rude, so exhibit the better manners, and let it be forgotten.

 

Does he always SHOUT at you? I don't read emails in !CAPSLOCK! as a general policy.

[justamouse]

"Thanks for the concern, Dad. Always nice to hear from you. Say, how's that bluebird house project coming along? . . . "

 

:iagree:

 

Parents are hard. He's worried, he's concerned, he loves you and familiarity makes him blunt.

[Marie131]

he's 85. ignore it.

 

yup, i'd just hit delete and carry on.

[LucyStoner]

You get some slack when you're 85.

 

:iagree:

 

I would say thanks (or not) and decide not to be insulted by it.

 

If he were not elderly, you could say something. But I agree that people in their 80s, who are well intentioned, get slack and the benefit of the doubt.

[QuirkyKapers]

I would thank him for his concern. "Thanks Dad. We know this is a big concern in our family history. It is good to be reminded so we can continue to evaluate our health habits"

[applethyme]

First I would be impressed that at 85 he is using a computer, then I would ignore the message. My great grandmother wrote me weekly about loosing weight. At first I was offended, later touched that she cared, and now sad she is no longer here to do so.

[cin]

I would inquire a bit more into my husband's medical history, and then possibly sending him to a Dr. for a complete work-up. It sounds like there might be something more than weight involved. It almost sounds like heart disease, HBP, or something similar runs in the family. If that's the case, then weight might very well NOT be related.

 

If there is nothing, and he is wanting you lose weight, then just chalk it up to be 85 and not really caring what people think anymore. And ask him how that birdhouse project is going ;)

[TheApprentice]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

 

:iagree:Don't take it personal. I would probably say "Thanks for your concern".

[Anne in CA]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

 

:iagree:

 

My husband's grandmother introduced her OTHER grandson, not my husband, by saying, "This is my smart grandson." in front of my husband. My husband was an honor student at Portland State at the time and was very offended. She was 82. She meant nothing by it, but it hurt my husband deeply. To give her credit though, her other grandson was fourteen and had just done laser research that was purchased by the German government, lol. But as a younger woman she would never have done that.

[DawnM]

How does a mother die when she is 7 years old?

 

I received the following email from my widowed 85 year old father-in law:

HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN

DOLOVE THEM ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU BOTH

DO SOMETHING NOW BEFORE SOMETHING LIFE THREATENING HAPPENS

LIKE A STROKE OR A HEART ATTACK

DO SOMETHING NOW

YOU BOTH HAVE FAMILY HISTORIES THAT MAKE YOU VULNERABLE

SON, YOUR MOMS MOTHER DIED WHEN SHE WAS WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD

THIS AFFECTED THE REST OF HER LIFE

DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR KIDS,START ON DIET AND EXERCISE PROGRAM NOW LOVE GRAMPERS

 

I am flabbergasted. I know he means well, but could he go about this in a worse way? Are my husband and I overweight? Yes. Are we obese? No! Could we both stand to loose 15-20 pounds? Sure. If I did, that would make me about a size 6. Overweight; yes, rotund; no.

 

How would you respond?

[kalanamak]

I would ignore it, and just write him a nice email back thanking him for his concern. You get some slack when you're 85.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[kalanamak]

How does a mother die when she is 7 years old?

 

Mom's mother. This means grandma.

[LucyStoner]

How does a mother die when she is 7 years old?

 

Translation from all caps strangeness: The 85yo email writer's deceased MIL died when his wife was 7 year old.

 

So the poster's husband's grandmother died when his mother was 7 years old.

[Element]

I didn't take it to mean weight specifically. I was in the worst health of my life about 10 years ago when I was eating out two times a day. I wasn't overweight at all, but my diet was unbelievably bad. I didn't need to lose weight but I did need to "fix my diet." Maybe that's what he means? I don't really know. I'm sorry it was hurtful to you. I would have been confused by it, and probably a little hurt too. Honestly, though, it is really sweet that he loves you both so much.

[MamaT]

I would ignore it, and just write him a nice email back thanking him for his concern. You get some slack when you're 85. Also, I'm impressed that he's 85 and uses email. My 80 year old MIL won't get within ten feet of a computer!

 

:iagree:

[DawnM]

OHHHH.....I was quite confused.

 

Dawn

 

Mom's mother. This means grandma.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would have much rather heard this this past week than the dr saying your hubby has just had a massive heart attack. I don't know that we would have paid it the same heed, afterall my hubby's dr has been telling him the same thing for the past five years. Due to recent events in my life I am going to have to fall on the side of: sometimes hard things need to be said and if they need to be said they probably also need to be heard. Let this be your wake up call because the one you get in the hospital is much harder to recover from. :grouphug:

:iagree:

[Stellalarella]

My seven year old son told me yesterday, "Mom, you shouldn't wear those pants." He didn't say it in a mean way, just simply and matter-of-fact.

 

I didn't appreciate it. But of the six kids, he's the one who cares about clothes and shoes.

 

I've gotten untoned, out-of-shape and lumpy. Those yoga pants are really too tight, too faded, and too stained.

 

I didn't like it, but because he is seven, I didn't get mad. ANd unfortunately, he is right on this one.

 

I do think, though, that it should be the LAST time he ever mentions to a woman that she doesn't look good in those pants.....

 

I hope you can hear Grampa's love and concern, even if his advice was definitely unsolicited and ill-phrased.

[Melissa in Australia]

I wouldn't ignore it.

He sounds genuinely concerned.

as for the cap-lock.

At 85 he might find it easier to read in cap, and not even know that it is considered shouting.

[Word Nerd]

I didn't see anything that accuses you of being overweight and think you're reading that into it.

[twinmami01]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

:iagree:

[Education Explorers]

I would ignore it, and just write him a nice email back thanking him for his concern. You get some slack when you're 85. Also, I'm impressed that he's 85 and uses email. My 80 year old MIL won't get within ten feet of a computer!

 

The family got him internet access that hooks into his TV for Christmas. My BIL works with him in the evenings to teach him how to use it. He can send an email on his own now. He can't surf the net or anything, but he is making progress.

 

as for the cap-lock.

At 85 he might find it easier to read in cap, and not even know that it is considered shouting.

 

Ignore the cap-lock entirely. I promise that he has no idea that it could possibly be considered shouting. He has no idea it could be rude. In fact, I doubt he has any idea that the content of his email could be considered rude.

 

He fluctuates on things to obsess over since he is 85 and lives alone. For the past several months, he has been obsessed with a small blinking light on his cordless telephone. It was driving him crazy and it was all he could thing about. He drove both of his sons ABSOLUTELY NUTS about it. This weekend, he was haranguing my husband about it while we were all sitting there. I picked up the instruction book, read for awhile and got it turned off.

 

When he tried to belittle his sons for not fixing it earlier, I pointed out that the apple did not fall far from the tree. Out of the three of them, not one of them bothered to read the instructions-- like father, like sons.

 

Now he needs a new focus. Egads! I don't want to be it. He is a very sweet, well-intentioned, intensely annoying man. If he drives me nuts, then who will talk my husband off the ledge??? Sometimes it takes a lot of deep breathing to deal with him. But alas, that is the nature of family.

 

"Thanks for your concern. We love you, too. Love, Us"

:D

 

This is exactly what I needed. I was too dumbfounded to think of a simple, polite reply. I was at a loss for something nice to say. I have a very sarcastic nature and I knew that it would not be an appropriate way of handling the situation. I will respond to his email with this exact quote. Thank you for helping.

[Lovedtodeath]

I would respond to the intention and the concern... try to ease his mind and let him know that I know I am loved. :grouphug:

[KrissiK]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

 

:iagree::iagree: when my grandma got older she had less and less tact. She was always outspoken, but as she aged.... Look out. But, she was my grandma, I loved her and I'd give anything to have one of her chicken dinners again. She died 5 years ago in her 90s.

[Geo]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

 

 

:iagree:

[Geo]

Too much Dr. Oz.....:D

 

:lol:

[ereks mom]

I would ignore it, and just write him a nice email back thanking him for his concern. You get some slack when you're 85. Also, I'm impressed that he's 85 and uses email.

 

:iagree:

[Ibbygirl]

I would ignore it, and just write him a nice email back thanking him for his concern. You get some slack when you're 85.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Write him back thanking him for his concern and just continue living your life.

[redsquirrel]

As my dh's grandmother was getting on in years, she developed senile dementia. She frequently forgot who family members were.

 

When dh and I were newlyweds we arrived at a family party. His grandmother asked loudly who he was. His mom said "Mom, that is (name) and his bride." She expressed surprise that he was old enough to get married. That was a common theme with her at that time. She then announced in a very, very loud voice, "Well, he certainly is my sexiest grandson!"

 

:001_huh: :lol: :001_huh:

[Lovedtodeath]

As my dh's grandmother was getting on in years, she developed senile dementia. She frequently forgot who family members were.

 

When dh and I were newlyweds we arrived at a family party. His grandmother asked loudly who he was. His mom said "Mom, that is (name) and his bride." She expressed surprise that he was old enough to get married. That was a common theme with her at that time. She then announced in a very, very loud voice, "Well, he certainly is my sexiest grandson!"

 

:001_huh: :lol: :001_huh:

Yes I agree. :001_huh::lol:

[annandatje]

I would chalk it up to an 85 year old person. Almost every person I 've known in that age range says things that have been border-line rude, if you want to take it that way. I choose to just take it as old age, when they either forget their manners or just think life is too short to mince words. If I love them and want to show respect, then I just shake my head internally. If they get really hurtful I prefer to just limit contact.

 

Either way, I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Especially in this circumstance where you know he is blowing things waaay out of proportion. Just no response, or if you want to keep him happy, a simple "Thank you".

 

Little things like that make older people really happy.

 

:iagree: Wise response.

[Spy Car]

 

How would you respond?

 

With vigorous walks. The gentleman is spot-on.

 

Bill

[Slartibartfast]

I would tell him thank you and invite him to dinner.

 

He's 85, I would just get over it.