Baby showers..."rule" for them?

[BakersDozen]

In light of the baby shower thread I'd love Hive input on this because I cannot reconcile what has happened. In my circle of church and mom's group friends there have been 16 babies born since last July plus my two little ones. I have received invitations to every single one of the 16 baby showers including those for women whom I barely know, who pass me by at church without even saying "hi", who did not bother to invite me to their exclusive women's study yet somehow remember to put me on their baby shower invite list. No one was having their first - in fact many were on #3 or #6. No one was having the opposite gender (ie: first was a girl, now they are having a boy). No one had dire financial need such that they were unable to purchase their own baby stuff. I heard over and over that every baby should be celebrated.

 

My babies had no celebration. Not one single gift, not one mention or inquiry as to a baby shower.

 

This is not exclusive to the last year as I have encountered this very thing in the years prior. In 2006 there were 5 of us having babies in a 2-month span and everyone had a shower...except me; I was having #7, the other ladies were having #5 or #6.

 

Last night I heard of yet another baby shower coming up and I almost lost it because I know the invitation will be in the mail to me soon. I'm struggling with being gracious because honestly what I feel is anger and hurt. I'm willing to celebrate every baby no matter what # yet I suppose the "rule" for that stops at some point? How do I respond to this? I don't know how to work through my emotions and am to the point I don't want to attend baby showers anymore (which I'm now viewing as little more than gift grabs). I hate feeling this way. I never expected baby showers as we have a policy of providing for our own babies yet at the same time when literally every expectant mom has a celebration and my own "blessings" go unnoticed, it hurts. I'm tired of trying to purchase the perfect gift, tired of celebrating, tired of hearing about baby showers. And I feel horrible for feeling like this. :(

 

I wanted to shout to the entire world my jubilation when I found out I was having twins. I felt like I'd won the jackpot! More than ever I wish people had celebrated with us, shared in our joy, been a part of this miracle. I didn't need gifts, I just needed what other moms-to-be had all around me, what I'd been a part of for them.

 

I'm sorry if this comes across as the most pathetic, whining post! Maybe if I post it, however, I can move on? Or not. ;)

[Bluegoat]

I guess my question would be, who is it that is hosting these events? If it is an official group at the church, then it is very fishy you have been left out. If it is kind of random, that is more difficult.

 

In any case, I wouldn't be so inclined to go either. If I did, I might find a standard gift I'd bring every time.

[happyhomemaker]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I'm so sorry these people have been so rude to you! I went to a church where baby showers were held for every baby. I went to them all and almost no one came to mine. It started to feel like they were popularity contests. I don't understand inviting people with whom you are not close or family to a shower. If I were you, I would skip the invitation and go shopping on the day for something for YOUR little ones.

[SKL]

Hmm, that is odd. Who decides to schedule a shower? Does a family member or friend step up and ask for one? Is it possible that someone got the idea that you do not want a shower to be thrown for you? I'd ask someone "in the know" why some babies are celebrated and others are not.

 

I note that your twins were born early. When my sister's baby was born at 26 weeks, there were many reasons we didn't celebrate with a party. For one, the baby had so many ups and downs that we didn't know whether the final outcome was going to be celebration or grief. Two, there was no time for a traditional party, between bedrest (in-hospital), recovery from a difficult birth, mom living in the NICU until baby's release, and baby having immunity issues to this day (a year later). Three, the baby could not use anything that we could buy at the store, at least not for months. We did eventually buy stuff, but since the baby was the second daughter, there was no need for an organized, comprehensive provision. I guess my point is, maybe someone was thinking of throwing you a shower and plans went awry when your babies came early.

Edited April 15, 2012 by SKL

[melissad2]

:grouphug:

I'm sorry.

[StaceyinLA]

Shower for the first baby, and possibly a subsequent if someone had several of one sex and was expecting the other.

 

There is no way I would attend all these random showers for ladies I wasn't close to. And to be totally honest, if I went to a church where I was treated that way, I'm sure I would find a new one. I'm just a weeny like that.

[frugalmama]

:grouphug:

 

No idea as to the rules of baby showers - I never had one or attended one. I was really hoping I would have one when I was pregnant with dd but no one ever offered to give me one, even though it was my first and I was a single mom who really needed the help. :glare:

[NASDAQ]

No one does baby showers in my community, because people think that they're bad luck.

 

It's awful that you're being left out. How hurtful. Is there someone you can talk to to find out what's going on -- maybe the pastor or junior pastor's wife, or a friend who is marginally more integrated into the community? It sounds like it might be time to make a few discreet inquiries.

[angela in ohio]

Your church needs to get this under control. There are possibly other women who have been skipped, as well. it should be handled by a central person, and there should be a standard. There should also not be exclusive invitation-only Bible studies, but that's another matter.

 

I can't fathom showers for each child. :confused: How much stuff do these ladies need?

Edited April 15, 2012 by angela in ohio

[Lisbeth]

I might be in the minority but I am not a baby shower fan Didn't want one, don't like going to them. I would not go to another one in yr shoes.

[Dustybug]

Sounds fishy to me. I don't mind if friends/family throws a shower for someone with every baby, but I think it is sort of tacky for the church to do IMVHO. Our church throws a shower for the first and then does a diaper drive for any subsequent babies.

[Audrey]

Putting aside that I am not at all a fan of showers for non-first-borns, it is nonetheless the obvious tradition in your circle. Remember that one is never obligated to attend any event one does not wish to joyfully attend. RSVP a "no" and let it go at that.

 

If I were you, I certainly would not attend these events for people who have repeatedly ignored extending you the same courtesy/kindness of a shower.

[kroe1]

I'm very old school and do not believe in baby showers for any babes other than the first. I R.S.V.P. a "no". I also do not believe in showers given by family members. But, I know my old fashioned manners are of limited value now.

 

Nonetheless, you probably keep getting invited because you pick out the perfect gift. Also, no one wants to leave you out of the invitation circle. You probably don't get showers because you haven't asked or hinted to a friend to give you one. Good for you!

 

Even though you feel terrible, I hope the other biddies get a good lesson from you.

 

:)

 

Congratulations on your upcoming bundles of joy.

[gardenmom5]

duplicate post. sorry.

Edited April 15, 2012 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

we have a policy of providing for our own babies

 

:grouphug:

have you repeated this policy/sentiment to other people over the years? was the message they took away from that that you didn't want a baby shower? who organizes the showers? is it friends of the mom or someone else?

 

You are under no obligation to go to a shower - just don't go. If you are feeling left out and have changed your mind about having a shower, say something to someone you trust.

 

eta: for some - every woman is invited to a shower, for other's a more limited group. it depends upon who is throwing the shower. I go when I can, because we have new mom's who don't know many people and it's also a way to get acquainted.

Edited April 15, 2012 by gardenmom5

[Dustybug]

I'm very old school and do not believe in baby showers for any babes other than the first. I R.S.V.P. a "no". I also do not believe in showers given by family members. But, I know my old fashioned manners are of limited value now.

 

Nonetheless, you probably keep getting invited because you pick out the perfect gift. Also, no one wants to leave you out of the invitation circle. You probably don't get showers because you haven't asked or hinted to a friend to give you one. Good for you!

 

Even though you feel terrible, I hope the other biddies get a good lesson from you.

 

:)

 

Congratulations on your upcoming bundles of joy.

 

 

If family members don't throw showers, who does? Every shower I have ever attended was thrown my a mother, MIL, sister, etc. of the person who was the guest of honor. I've known people who've had more than one shower and the second was thrown by a friend, but I've never heard that it wasn't proper for a relative to do it.

[angela in ohio]

If family members don't throw showers, who does? Every shower I have ever attended was thrown my a mother, MIL, sister, etc. of the person who was the guest of honor. I've known people who've had more than one shower and the second was thrown by a friend, but I've never heard that it wasn't proper for a relative to do it.

 

It shouldn't be thrown by immediate family: mothers, sisters, daughters. Traditionally, a shower was thrown by an aunt or close friend. I've only been to one shower thrown by a mother and one by a sister. I didn't agree with it, but it was close enough family that my refusal would have been a Big Deal. :tongue_smilie:

[Coffeetime]

:grouphug:I think the feeling that these are "gift grabs" has less to do with the # of babies than with inviting people they barely know. I think a baby shower should include family and close friends. Not everyone you've ever spoken to in passing.

 

To me, a baby shower is about celebrating the birth of a new little one, pampering mama and making her feel special. I really don't understand the whole "only for first babies" thing. I know I was just as excited with baby #5 as I was with baby #1! When I had baby #5 my sister gave a little "meet the baby" shower for me after she was born. Out of all of my close friends and family, only 2 aunts and their daughters bothered to show up. It really hurt and made me feel like everyone thought that just because my little girl was #5, it was "old hat" to us and not worth the time. I just wanted people to oooh and aahh over her. On the other hand, it made me love and appreciate those who came that much more!;)

 

I'm very old school and do not believe in baby showers for any babes other than the first. I R.S.V.P. a "no". I also do not believe in showers given by family members. But, I know my old fashioned manners are of limited value now.

I don't know, to me refusing to celebrate someone's child just because they aren't a firstborn is rather the opposite of "manners". :001_huh: If you think that they have absolutely everything they could ever need for their child, you could bring a package of diapers or wipes , show up, and tell them you're happy for them, for goodness' sake.

[Lisbeth]

It shouldn't be thrown by immediate family: mothers, sisters, daughters. Traditionally, a shower was thrown by an aunt or close friend. I've only been to one shower thrown by a mother and one by a sister. I didn't agree with it, but it was close enough family that my refusal would have been a Big Deal. :tongue_smilie:

 

This is how I was taught to believe also.

[DesertDweller]

I don't have a problem with subsequent baby showers in some cases. I don't think it's necessary for every baby.

 

In a situation like your describing at your church, sixteen in one year seems excessive. Especially if they are doing one for every baby born. I think it makes more sense for a church to celebrate for first baby only. Then, leave it up to others if someone thinks a shower is needed.

 

I understand your hurt. If it's the church hosting the showers and everyone is having one, then why not you? I would probably have to ask. I might mention it to someone first to see if they knew anything, but at some point, I would probably just come out and ask whomever is in charge of the planning.

 

And if it's not the church and they're just playing favorites, I wouldn't go to any of the showers unless it was someone I was good friends with.

[SKL]

If you think that they have absolutely everything they could ever need for their child, you could bring a package of diapers or wipes , show up, and tell them you're happy for them, for goodness' sake.

 

I dunno, but to me, gifting a box of diapers or wipes does not sound like much fun. Part of the fun of a shower is seeing all the cool stuff the mom/baby gets (in my opinion, anyway). If we're talking Pampers only, I'd rather just RSVP "no," congratulate, and buy something sweet when the baby is born. If they need help buying diapers, I'd give them a gift card along with my baby gift upon the baby's birth.

 

My mom's work colleagues threw her a "Pampers" party during lunch hour. That I could see, since everyone is there at work anyway. Getting everyone to put a Pamper party on their weekend calendar would be harder, I'd think - especially since, traditionally, the males (and often the kids) are left out.

[SweetIrony]

Our church does showers for every baby, but it seems kind of random as far as who throws it. For me a couple of the other moms I am close to threw something together when I was like 36 weeks. It seems like for all the church showers, they use the church directory to send evites to all of the ladies in the church. It was baby #2 for us, and we didn't know we were having a boy, but I mostly received amazon gift cards which I used to purchase cloth diapers! I am fine with showers given by family... but I guess here in SoCal we are not big on etiquette. :tongue_smilie:

[Ellie]

I'm very old school and do not believe in baby showers for any babes other than the first. I R.S.V.P. a "no". I also do not believe in showers given by family members. But, I know my old fashioned manners are of limited value now.

Minnie, we are soul sisters. :D

 

Nonetheless, you probably keep getting invited because you pick out the perfect gift. Also, no one wants to leave you out of the invitation circle. You probably don't get showers because you haven't asked or hinted to a friend to give you one. Good for you!

:iagree:

 

Even though you feel terrible, I hope the other biddies get a good lesson from you.

Yes!

Congratulations on your upcoming bundles of joy.

 

:party:

[Bluegoat]

:grouphug:I think the feeling that these are "gift grabs" has less to do with the # of babies than with inviting people they barely know. I think a baby shower should include family and close friends. Not everyone you've ever spoken to in passing.

 

To me, a baby shower is about celebrating the birth of a new little one, pampering mama and making her feel special. I really don't understand the whole "only for first babies" thing. I know I was just as excited with baby #5 as I was with baby #1! When I had baby #5 my sister gave a little "meet the baby" shower for me after she was born. Out of all of my close friends and family, only 2 aunts and their daughters bothered to show up. It really hurt and made me feel like everyone thought that just because my little girl was #5, it was "old hat" to us and not worth the time. I just wanted people to oooh and aahh over her. On the other hand, it made me love and appreciate those who came that much more!;)

 

 

I don't know, to me refusing to celebrate someone's child just because they aren't a firstborn is rather the opposite of "manners". :001_huh: If you think that they have absolutely everything they could ever need for their child, you could bring a package of diapers or wipes , show up, and tell them you're happy for them, for goodness' sake.

 

A shower is called a shower though because it is meant to "shower" the mother with gifts. Just like a bridal shower. A party just to meet everyone and celebrate the new arrival without the gifts wouldn't really be a shower. People at our church often have these after the baptism.

[Merry]

and is formal with invitations and presents and so on. But the following baby showers should be casual just to celebrate a new baby's arrival with less emphasis on gifts. And the showers should be given by friends or distant family members. This is from an article by Miss Manners which sounds sensible to me.

[Coffeetime]

A shower is called a shower though because it is meant to "shower" the mother with gifts. Just like a bridal shower. A party just to meet everyone and celebrate the new arrival without the gifts wouldn't really be a shower. People at our church often have these after the baptism.

 

Absolutely. I was just responding to the people who said they specifically wouldn't ever attend a baby shower for a subsequent baby.

While of course we expect to provide for our own children, by the time I had my 3rd girl, all my girl clothes were 6 years old, stained and worn out and we didn't always have the money to buy new things. The people who gifted us with a few new things or a package of diapers were always such a blessing to us. And the people who acted like each baby was as big a deal as the one before were a blessing as well. I think that's where I was really resonating with the OP.

I guess I just can't imagine begrudging an hour of your time and a set of onesies to an expectant mom simply because she's had children before...? I guess I think it's a strange thing to take such a strong "stand" about.

[catz]

I personally don't like that many showers. Who has the time or money to go shop for that number of baby gifts over a short time span? That is way over the top IMO and I think you're church has a problem there. I didn't have a shower with either of my kids. We were gifted many, many wonderful things after my kids were born though, so I never felt "neglected". My SIL wanted to have a shower when I was pregnant with my first. I was high risk, and not comfortable with having a shower before baby was here. She didn't like the idea of having it after. So we didn't get one at all. Fine by me.

 

Showers that come off as gift grabs to me I do not attend. People around here do them for the first, or not at all. When someone is close to me, I buy them a gift (or several!) when there's a baby involved, party or no. I declined a wedding shower not long ago for some distant friend of my DH's daughter I hadn't seen in years. We attended the wedding happily and got them a lovely gift. I just didn't feel close enough to the bride (or her mother) to attend a shower. It felt "gift grabby" that I had been invited.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, but you have 2 new little cuties and it doesn't get any better than that! :grouphug:

[BigMamaBird]

Definitely not a pathetic, whining post. That would hurt my feelings too. :grouphug:

 

For what it's worth, coming from a faceless person on the internet. Congratulations on your new little one!

[catz]

Absolutely. I was just responding to the people who said they specifically wouldn't ever attend a baby shower for a subsequent baby.

While of course we expect to provide for our own children, by the time I had my 3rd girl, all my girl clothes were 6 years old, stained and worn out and we didn't always have the money to buy new things. The people who gifted us with a few new things or a package of diapers were always such a blessing to us. And the people who acted like each baby was as big a deal as the one before were a blessing as well. I think that's where I was really resonating with the OP.

I guess I just can't imagine begrudging an hour of your time and a set of onesies to an expectant mom simply because she's had children before...? I guess I think it's a strange thing to take such a strong "stand" about.

 

I think it's the assumption that you should show up with a gift. If I'm close to someone, I'm going to get them a gift for a new baby. I might ask around and find if they're registered somewhere if I don't have something particular in mind. I might ask if I can bring them a meal. There's a difference between giving someone a gift and being told you need to give someone a gift at a certain time and a certain place from a particular store. I know the multiple showers are big in some communities, but I'm just illustrating how it might be interpreted by someone not used to this.

[StaceyinLA]

Absolutely. I was just responding to the people who said they specifically wouldn't ever attend a baby shower for a subsequent baby.

While of course we expect to provide for our own children, by the time I had my 3rd girl, all my girl clothes were 6 years old, stained and worn out and we didn't always have the money to buy new things. The people who gifted us with a few new things or a package of diapers were always such a blessing to us. And the people who acted like each baby was as big a deal as the one before were a blessing as well. I think that's where I was really resonating with the OP.

I guess I just can't imagine begrudging an hour of your time and a set of onesies to an expectant mom simply because she's had children before...? I guess I think it's a strange thing to take such a strong "stand" about.

 

We have a LARGE family. If there was a shower for every baby born, we'd have baby showers every weekend. When does it end? I'm sorry; I'm not saying it isn't something to celebrate, but I believe it is asking a lot of people to expect they can attend multiple baby showers for every single friend or family member.

 

Each baby IS a blessing, but each baby is NOT a first baby. A first baby is special and unique because a woman becomes a MOM for the first time. Once you are a mom, it's exciting to have more babies, but you are never that first-time mom again. It's just not the same.

 

In keeping with the 1st baby only shower theme, I'll add that I don't do showers for second marriages either. There is just a point where the line has to be drawn.

 

I give gifts, bring meals, etc., after baby, but subsequent showers are just not proper etiquette IMO.

 

ETA: I had 3 girls before my son. When I was pregnant for dd3, I had very few "old" things for her to wear. It's not like the only stuff dd1 ever had was whatever I got at her baby shower. I bought clothes for her too, and for 2nd dd as well, so dd3 had plenty, even before I bought her some clothes of her own.

Edited April 16, 2012 by StaceyinLA

[justasque]

OP, that must hurt. However, I'm guessing it was just because, as a PP noted, your twins came quite early. Did the ladies at your church love on you in other ways? Did they bring meals, that kind of thing? If so, I'd consider yourself "showered" and not worry about it. Sometimes things just don't work out logistically ~ I wouldn't read anything into it unless you have reason to. And if you like, grab a few girlfriends and have an afternoon tea in celebration of your new babies. No presents needed - it's the celebration that counts.

[LBS]

I had three showers given for me, for my first baby. None were held by family, that is not correct where I was raised. For the second baby, cousins on each side of the family had "family showers" to which only people who would have given me a gift anyhow, were invited. That was nice. Saved postage costs for aunts, and cousins. For Baby #3, there was nothing. I was not expecting anything, really, and had a different set of friends by then, so I was really tickled when a playgroup friend, turned one meeting into a funny shower with small presents, so that was neat. The whole church being invited to church-sponsored showers, seems odd. In my pre-school co-op, we couldn't handle that kind of thing, so when babies came, we would all sign up for parts of a dinner, and present, everybody took turns at contributing, somewhat evenly. That was pleasant. Wonder if that would be a good thing for you to work on, fixing the problem? SO sorry for your hurt. The gift of each child is amazing. I only really participated in first baby showers, and gave things usable for either sex, but did meals and baby-sitting for later babies. I don't remember any showers for any baby after #2, ever, and the only ones I got to, were for family. Again, it was nice to have a party at which to give a gift I'd give anyway. I didn't feel it was like a wedding shower, where I'd give a shower gift as well as a wedding gift.

[RanchGirl]

I might be in the minority but I am not a baby shower fan Didn't want one, don't like going to them. I would not go to another one in yr shoes.

 

I don't care for showers in general, and showers for second children seem incredibly gauche to me. I do love babies and always give gifts to close friends who have or adopt babies, I just have an old-school attitude about parties where the purpose is to solicit gifts.

 

OP, I can see why you are hurt, but I propose you start RSVPing no. Instead of attending these ridiculous gift grabs, call up a friend and take her to lunch each time you receive an invitation.

[RanchGirl]

I think the feeling that these are "gift grabs" has less to do with the # of babies than with inviting people they barely know. I think a baby shower should include family and close friends. Not everyone you've ever spoken to in passing.

<snip>

To me, a baby shower is about celebrating the birth of a new little one, pampering mama and making her feel special.

 

I agree that showers should only include family and close friends. I once was "invited" to a shower at work for the highest level employee at our location - two levels above me at the time, and 3 or 4 over several other shower invitees. That's not celebrating a baby, it's office politics and a gift grab of the WORST kind.

 

As for celebrating the birth of a new little one and pampering the mama, if that were the only purpose, the invitations would say "no gifts please". And it wouldn't be called a shower anymore -- the primary purpose of a shower is to "shower" a new bride or mother with gifts so she doesn't have the entire burden of all the new home/new nursery expense.

 

I completely respect your right to have all the showers you want, but I think you should be aware that it's considered very poor etiquette by some.

 

I guess I just can't imagine begrudging an hour of your time and a set of onesies to an expectant mom simply because she's had children before...? I guess I think it's a strange thing to take such a strong "stand" about.

 

I just can't wrap my brain around this thinking, sorry. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

[Isabella]

I just wanted to send you a big hug:grouphug:.

It's awful when these things happen, and I have no idea why they do, but it does seem it's not uncommon. I can totally understand you having trouble letting go. I also understand that you hate not being able to let go. I have had great success with letting go of things through EFT (emotional freedom technique). If you have time, google a tutorial, or feel free to PM me & I can give you a quick run down of how to do it. It's basically all about acknowledging the feelings and emotions that we have about something. Too often we suppress them, feel bad about them, and otherwise try to get over it. EFT accesses them, accepts them, and allows you to move on. Please don't think I'm trying to lecture you to move on, though - I only thought I'd add it because you mentioned wishing you could move on from it. Feel free to PM me about it..

HUGS again:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

There is no way I would attend all these random showers for ladies I wasn't close to. And to be totally honest, if I went to a church where I was treated that way, I'm sure I would find a new one. I'm just a weeny like that.

:iagree:

[Cindyg]

...who did not bother to invite me to their exclusive women's study...

 

This is the only thing in your original post that made me wonder. I'm not saying you're wrong about this because I don't go to your church, and I don't know.

 

But an exclusive Bible study is sort of an oxymoron. I mean, if you've "unloved" certain people by excluding them, what's the point? Are you sure these aren't just listed on the church website and "whosoever will" can't just sign up?

 

But on to your original question: I'm guessing somehow your shower (or lack thereof) was an oversight. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt my feelings; it absolutely would, in the circumstances you've outlined. It's not just whiny of you to feel left out. You certainly were left out! But it's hard for me to believe that anyone chose to exclude you for some reason. Again, that is so anti-Christian!

 

Is there any trusted woman among your church group you can ask this question of? Why every woman in the church got a shower but me? I know it's awkward. It's super awkward.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[staceyobu]

I love the idea of the first shower being the regular deal with lots of presents and snacks and hostesses.

 

For babies 2 and up, go to a restaurant with good margaritas. Pregnant lady gets diapers... everyone else gets a margarita. All get a night off from the kids and some girl time. It's a win for everyone... and who isn't willing to jump on board with a girls' night out even if it's for someone's 35th baby?!

 

Of course, not everything is cut and dry... someone might need a bigger shower if they are expecting twins (and previously had a singleton) so now they need an extra car seat, highchair, etc. Or maybe it's been 10 years since their last kid and they got rid of all the baby stuff.

[BakersDozen]

However, I'm guessing it was just because, as a PP noted, your twins came quite early. Did the ladies at your church love on you in other ways? Did they bring meals, that kind of thing?

Out of a church of almost 300 people, 6 ladies stepped in to bring meals and help. Six. Out of my mom's group of over 100 ladies (many of whom I've known since 2004) 4 ladies helped, 3 being the older Titus 2 women.

 

The dynamic at my church is...interesting. There are the older ladies and there are the new moms. I'm inbetween. The older ladies have their world and the new moms have theirs. I don't really fit in anywhere. The young moms began a group focused on being a wife/mom and it is by invitation only. That bugs me but whatever. What bugged me more is that when the group began having baby showers for every.single.expectant.mom in the group I was in the invite list. I wasn't good enough to invite to their get-together but I'm good enough for an invite. :glare:

 

I don't know about my babies' arriving early being a factor as this same thing happened in 2010 when my ds was born (only then there were "only" 5 babies born).

 

I never considered the fact that we do provide for our own babies/dc and how it might affect a decision to have a shower for us or not. I do know that many of my acquaintances get rid of all their baby stuff and then find out they are expecting again...and again...and again...and so of course someone throws them another shower. How foolish of me to not pick up on that little trick many babies ago! ;)

 

Oh, ladies, you are all a breath of fresh air. This has been stewing in me for so long and I feared last night I was going to blow! I'm going to have my dh keep me accountable to not attending and, even more so, to being OK with that. We'll see if it works or not. I don't want to be bitter or resentful, I don't want to feel what I do when I walk into church or my mom's group.

[JFSinIL]

Sounds like some greedy moms need to rethink this - showers for first babies only, (second maybe if multiples coming?) and go to announcements after the fast instead.

 

When I was expecting my first - twins - here in Illinois, with ALL my family back in California, my Illinois in-laws informed me that the family did not do baby showers anymore ( they already had had four grandkids) as no one wanted to keep attending showers. No one threw me a shower. For my set of twins (and they sure had never had multiples show up before in hubbie's family!)

 

I am still a bit ticked off about that.

 

My sister back in California mailed me a "shower in a box" of a few new and a lot of hand-me-down (but good quality) baby stuff. That was my shower.

[LaxMom]

Oh, my, LuvnMySvn! It does sound like you are stuck between the two groups. :grouphug: That's unfortunate.

 

It's tacky, though, for the youngers to not include you in a mothering/wife group. I mean, you have littles at home. (not to mention the experience of having gone through all the stages before, with different children) Tackier still is that an exclusive little group uses the church directory to send invites to showers they throw for one another.

 

Yes, every baby should be celebrated. Of course they should. But this is not about celebrating every baby. This about a private group wanting to throw a party and using access to a larger directory to make it a big event.

 

When my best friend was getting married, and I was her matron of honor, her MIL (to be) decided she was going to throw the shower, completely ignoring that it was my honor to so, that the shower should not be thrown by family, etc. She refused to be talked out of it. Then, she got the contact information for the entire.fire.department (friend was my husband's partner at work) and invited wives and girlfriends that friend had never met! (And several of MIL's own friends) Friend was absolutely mortified. At her own shower. It was ghastly. All because MIL wanted to throw a party. I suspect that, if you took the "church family" bit out of your experience, it would be equally mortifying. It's somehow , in their minds, made ok" by that association. I would argue that it's not.

 

I don't think you're being whiny. It think it's wrong to exclude members of a community from "community" events and celebrations, and only acknowledge them when they can do something for you.

 

Eta: I'm generally of the "shower for the first" rule, and my circle definitely reflects that: we have blessingways in celebration of our friend and her changing motherhood role when subsequent babies are born. (regardless of which baby it is, we also provide meals for the family for the month after birth) But that is my "culture" and is clearly not the same tradition in the OP's circle, which is really the only tradition that should matter in this scenario. Kwim?

Edited April 16, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[PrincessMommy]

I'm also in the camp that think it's weird to be having a baby shower for a 4th,5th, or 6th child. Why??

 

I think you've gotten some excellent support and advice. I would only add that I would prayerfully consider telling someone in leadership that this sort of cliquishness is going on. Seriously. This is the type of thing people leave churches over (I would). If I were the spiritual leader of a church I'd want to know that my church was being used in such a manner and that some people were being left out. Church is not supposed to be like high school! Of course, it isn't supposed to be about baby showers either! :grouphug:

[Spock]

I'm also in the camp that think it's weird to be having a baby shower for a 4th,5th, or 6th child. Why??

 

 

Because no one (outside the family) even acknowledged that my 4th was born, except to rearrange the church nursery schedule to recognize the fact that I wouldn't be able to help in my 1yo's class for a few months. No one said congratulations, no one asked to see him, no one even commented that he was cute when I dropped off his sister in her nursery class. And of course, no one gave gifts.

 

[i'm not sure why we waited another 4.5 years to leave this church, where our family was always on the fringes--never part of anything, never fully accepted unless they needed me to help with a children's class. After we left, I found out several things that had happened to my older two that would have caused us to leave years before.]

 

But, returning to topic---a baby shower for later babies is a way to say that they are special too. For later babies gifts are not the point so much as to have a party and be excited that they are coming, or that they have come, if something is done after the fact.

[PrincessMommy]

Because no one (outside the family) even acknowledged that my 4th was born, except to rearrange the church nursery schedule to recognize the fact that I wouldn't be able to help in my 1yo's class for a few months. No one said congratulations, no one asked to see him, no one even commented that he was cute when I dropped off his sister in her nursery class. And of course, no one gave gifts.

 

[i'm not sure why we waited another 4.5 years to leave this church, where our family was always on the fringes--never part of anything, never fully accepted unless they needed me to help with a children's class. After we left, I found out several things that had happened to my older two that would have caused us to leave years before.]

 

But, returning to topic---a baby shower for later babies is a way to say that they are special too. For later babies gifts are not the point so much as to have a party and be excited that they are coming, or that they have come, if something is done after the fact.

 

first off I'm sorry. I've not experienced this attitude that people with new baby's should be ignored or marginalized, especially in church. I don't think any of the churches I've attended over the years were this way. So sad.

 

But, that said, I think there are ways to say a new baby is special without having a baby shower. To ignore a mom with a new baby is just SO rude!

[Bluegoat]

There should not be an invitation only bible study that is officially part of the church in some way. The only way that could possibly be appropriate is if it were restricted for special reasons - an abuse survivor's group or something like that.

 

Is it really an "official" activity, or is it a private group that just happens to be associated with the church. The latter is a bit tricky, but if that is what is going on the pastor should be making sure that it is clearly not a church activity.

 

If it is really a mom's group/bible study for the church, then it should not be private. How to bring that up could be awkward though - who would want to complain their way into a group like that? Personally, I would include it in what I told the pastor when I said I was leaving.

[Laurie4b]

Out of a church of almost 300 people, 6 ladies stepped in to bring meals and help. Six. Out of my mom's group of over 100 ladies (many of whom I've known since 2004) 4 ladies helped, 3 being the older Titus 2 women.

 

The dynamic at my church is...interesting. There are the older ladies and there are the new moms. I'm inbetween. The older ladies have their world and the new moms have theirs. I don't really fit in anywhere. The young moms began a group focused on being a wife/mom and it is by invitation only. That bugs me but whatever. What bugged me more is that when the group began having baby showers for every.single.expectant.mom in the group I was in the invite list. I wasn't good enough to invite to their get-together but I'm good enough for an invite. :glare:

 

I don't know about my babies' arriving early being a factor as this same thing happened in 2010 when my ds was born (only then there were "only" 5 babies born).

 

I never considered the fact that we do provide for our own babies/dc and how it might affect a decision to have a shower for us or not. I do know that many of my acquaintances get rid of all their baby stuff and then find out they are expecting again...and again...and again...and so of course someone throws them another shower. How foolish of me to not pick up on that little trick many babies ago! ;)

 

Oh, ladies, you are all a breath of fresh air. This has been stewing in me for so long and I feared last night I was going to blow! I'm going to have my dh keep me accountable to not attending and, even more so, to being OK with that. We'll see if it works or not. I don't want to be bitter or resentful, I don't want to feel what I do when I walk into church or my mom's group.

 

I had my first child at 36 and just the age dynamic is isolating. My friends my age were able to do things that I could not (they weren't sitting around the baby pool, for instance!) and the moms with babies were 10-15 years younger than I was. There were several years where I felt lonely--like I just didn't fit in. Now I'm grateful for my younger friends, and still have a few who are my age. The new moms group may be invitation only because some people are too vulnerable to share with people they don't know well. Others are introverts and need time to be able to connect and can't keep adapting to newcomers. I would assume that it's the age gap that is causing your isolation, and just accept it for what it is. Continue being focused on others--reach out and get to know people--serve...but no need to attend showers.

 

I think having help from 10 women out of a church of only 300 people is quite a lot of help! Around here, most new mothers have grandmothers come help for the first week or two and then the new mom is on her feet. People bring meals a few times a week for maybe the first two weeks.

[LostSurprise]

First of all :grouphug:

 

This exact thing happened to me, in a very small church (@50 in the whole church), where the people were all very nice!

 

The first time it happened I had only attended there 7-8 months so I didn't expect anything, although it was hard to watch them make quilts and have showers for the other 2 moms (3rd and 4th children).

 

The second time I had been attending a weekly women's Bible study and even a women's sewing night for 3 years. Nothing. Two months later someone who attended church very, very rarely (maybe once a month) and never came to studies was given a beautiful quilt. Then I found out everyone was given a quilt for every baby...but mine. Church showers were often done for young girls who only visited (no arguments..they really needed the support) or people who had been attending for a decade..rarely the people in between.

 

At that point I asked a few of my close friends how the new baby-quilt thing worked. Each of them (both had received quilts) was surprised. Both figured it was a minor oversight.

 

For my third child someone suggested a church shower. Either one of my old guard friends had taken the point or one of the new attendee liked to plan things. Not a lot of gifts (just fine by me!) but it was nice just to sit and celebrate my son's entrance into the world.

 

I think what happened was that none of the stuff was formally planned. The quilt makers made quilts for their friends. They just happened to not be friends with me. Showers were either done as charity (young girls who needed the help) or women who had attended together for 10+ years. Nice people. It just didn't occur to them that they were accidentally excluding me. I stopped taking it personally after another lady joined the church and the exact same thing happened to her. She wasn't charity. She wasn't their best friend. No celebration. We started our own little club. ;)

 

I would hope people in Church would be more observant, but the reality is that much of service comes down to a few individuals who take the time and effort. If you're not friends with them its easy to be overlooked.

 

:grouphug:

[Coffeetime]

I think it's the assumption that you should show up with a gift. If I'm close to someone, I'm going to get them a gift for a new baby. I might ask around and find if they're registered somewhere if I don't have something particular in mind. I might ask if I can bring them a meal. There's a difference between giving someone a gift and being told you need to give someone a gift at a certain time and a certain place from a particular store. I know the multiple showers are big in some communities, but I'm just illustrating how it might be interpreted by someone not used to this.

 

I think perhaps showers are a different thing in my area. ;) Here a baby shower is attended and thrown by close family and friends, modest, with small gifts and a cake. (I would NEVER dream of registering for baby gifts and I find that really tacky.)

I've attended showers for 1st babies and for 5th babies, and was always happy to participate in welcoming a new little one into the world.

But I'm getting the idea that my experiences with baby showers are different than other people's experiences. :tongue_smilie:

 

But, returning to topic---a baby shower for later babies is a way to say that they are special too. For later babies gifts are not the point so much as to have a party and be excited that they are coming, or that they have come, if something is done after the fact.

 

:iagree:

[Kathryn]

:grouphug: the same thing happened here. I'm younger than most everyone at church, so when I had YDS and we had been there 9m, I figured that they just weren't used to having babies around. I was hurt and quite offended when he was 2mo and someone remembered that we'd had a baby and brought dinner over. We have people who are supposed to do that kind of thing for anything that happens each month, deaths, illness, birth, etc. And the woman who did it knew that I was on an extremely restricted diet by that point and couldn't eat a single thing she brought. Then I was hurt all over again the past two years when older moms had babies and had big showers thrown for them. It's not that nobody gave us "stuff," which we could have used as I'd guess we're among the bottom 5-10% income-wise at our church, but just the lack of acknowledgement wa hurtful.

[jujsky]

Absolutely. I was just responding to the people who said they specifically wouldn't ever attend a baby shower for a subsequent baby.

While of course we expect to provide for our own children, by the time I had my 3rd girl, all my girl clothes were 6 years old, stained and worn out and we didn't always have the money to buy new things. The people who gifted us with a few new things or a package of diapers were always such a blessing to us. And the people who acted like each baby was as big a deal as the one before were a blessing as well. I think that's where I was really resonating with the OP.

I guess I just can't imagine begrudging an hour of your time and a set of onesies to an expectant mom simply because she's had children before...? I guess I think it's a strange thing to take such a strong "stand" about.

 

Yeah, but the OP said something like 16 babies were born in her congregation. That's a LOT of onsies! Even if you're conservative and bring a $10 gift including wrapping paper and a card (and let's face it -- a gift is probably going to cost a bit more than that), you're still looking at $160 worth of gifts for people you aren't close to if you go just for the sake of not begrudging them. Maybe I'm cheap, but when she said 16 babies, my mind went right to calculating the cost of gifts. I'd go and buy gifts for people I was close to, but not acquaintances. It sounds like the OP has enough of her own children to buy clothing and supplies for, and no one is helping her out. OP, graciously decline these invitations. You're under no obligation to attend.