No joy

[Nakia]

I hope it's okay that I vent again. I know I just did this like two weeks ago, so feel free to skip this. I am just really sad. I have been trying to pinpoint what's wrong in our home for a couple of weeks, and tonight at work it dawned on me. We have lost our joy. We don't have fun. We are angry and tired and stressed.

 

This entire school year has been h*ll. My oldest dd (whom I have posted about many times) has been so hard to deal with, my middle dd struggles with so many school things, and my youngest has newly diagnosed ADHD. This is the last time I will ever have a kindergartener. I wanted to enjoy this time with her. But I am not enjoying anything right now. Life just sucks. My father-in-law's health is declining, and we are all the family he has. My brother is in Afghanistan and I miss him (he's my best friend). My entire extended family is like a group of strangers; they are not interested in our lives, and I don't really want to be around them, but it's still sad. Emma has allergies and asthma and was really sick during the fall, so I live in constant paranoia that she is going to go into respiratory distress again. I don't know what to do with Cora (ADHD), and we don't see the specialist until July. Anna is a roller coaster of emotions, but seems to be having more good days than bad days now. I am scared all the time about the things going on with them.

 

My health isn't great. I haven't been to see my psychiatrist in months, but I did make an appointment for two weeks from now. I am rapidly cycling, and I HATE it. It seems like I am going up and down hourly. It is awful. God bless my husband. I don't even know what he is going through because I don't have anything left for him at the end of the day. We are so dang broke it's not funny. I know he worries about money a lot. :(

 

School is torture. We are bored and tired of it. We are usually done by the beginning of May, but I don't know when we'll be done this year. Maybe June? Ugh. Emma has a hard time with math, but she does seem to have progressed a lot in the last couple of months. She loves to write and is doing great with that. Grammar is such a struggle for her. She can't remember the difference between the parts of speech, diagramming, etc. We use R&S. Part of me wants to ditch it until next year. BUT she is such a hard worker, and she wants to do it. Then I struggle to be patient with her. And she cries, and I'm frustrated, and then I'm crying. It's just awful. I constantly wonder if she has a learning disability, but I don't even want to go there. She does have anxiety, but that is getting so much better. Cora is having the time of her life, lol. She does school when I have time which means about 4 days a week. It seems like she always gets the short end of the stick. I don't remember the last time any of us did a real art lesson, music, poetry, or Spanish. I don't have time or energy for fun stuff. How awful is that?

 

What am I doing? I feel like I post all the time about how awful everything is. Please forgive me. I know how blessed I am. I just don't know how to get out of this slump. I am tired of being scared. I pray. I try to trust God. I know I'm supposed to. But I don't have any joy left. How do we get it back?

 

Thanks for reading this.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Nakia

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

I have no answers for you. I am so sorry you are struggling. This has been a tough year for so many, us included. :grouphug::grouphug:

I hope and pray you find the joy Nakia.

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug: ... And ....:bigear:

 

I am trying to figure it all out too. It has been a looooong few years here, and my anxiety issues are worse, meeds do NOT help at all, so far.

 

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking and praying for you and yours. And, though some would say to lay off school and just have some fun, that never worked for us. All I could think of was what we SHOULD be doing....and having kids who fell behind, because we constantly needed breaks only made me all the more anxious.

 

I would suggest making table time a priority....schedule it for 2 or 3 hours and then plan something fun for the afternoon. One day art, a drive in the car with a classical music cd, tea, cookies and poetry, bake something, work in the dirt...take a walk....anything that makes you feel connected to your kids and is cheap, so money does not become an issue.

 

In find when I do that, I then feel like we are facing our issues, and doing something productive about them.

 

Anyway, :grouphug: and prayers....

[Heather in Neverland]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Country Mouse]

:grouphug:

[Night Elf]

What am I doing? I feel like I post all the time about how awful everything is. Please forgive me. I know how blessed I am. I just don't know how to get out of this slump. I am tired of being scared. I pray. I try to trust God. I know I'm supposed to. But I don't have any joy left. How do we get it back?

 

Aww.. Nakia. It's so hard when we aren't stable. Rapid cycling is just so not fun. I know you said you haven't seen your psy doc lately, but are you on meds? If you are, can you call and ask if there is something more you can take until your appt? If you aren't, then it's going to be very difficult to get a handle on things. Been there, done that. :grouphug:

 

If you're thinking about dropping grammar but your dd doesn't want to, then what if you back up in the program? Go back to an earlier lesson. Even if she is repeating what she already knows, she will not only reinforce the concept but she'll profit from that small element of success. Just a thought.

[besroma]

:grouphug:

[houseofkids&pets]

:grouphug:Sorry that you are all having such a difficult time.:grouphug:

[kroe1]

:grouphug:

 

I have thought about what constitutes joy many times. When I was younger, joy meant getting into college. As I aged, joy meant finding the right husband, having perfect kids, a Better Homes & Gardens immaculate house, etc. And I worked hard at obtaining these things, like we all do. And after I got to the point where I had obtained these things (some exaggeration), daily drudgery and sadness caught up with me. Even though life was finally stable without any major setbacks, I did not feel gloriously happy every second. This taught me that joy was the process of achieving goals. After the goal is achieved, there is no long lasting joy. Joy is a work in progress, the constant setting and achieving of goals set by me and OK'd by God through prayer. And joy is certainly varied for all people.

 

What are your goals? Are you able to strive for these goals at this time?

 

One other small matter, lists help me a lot. For some reason, I get joy as I check things off. :)

[Annabel Lee]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I'm so sorry. I wish I had answers for you, but it's been a rough year here, too. Keep posting and venting, and don't worry about how often you do it. It's a healthy outlet. I think I can speak for this group when I say we love you (in a non-weirdo, non-internet-stalker sort of way) & we're here for you.:grouphug::bigear::grouphug:

[elegantlion]

Aww.. Nakia. It's so hard when we aren't stable. Rapid cycling is just so not fun. I know you said you haven't seen your psy doc lately, but are you on meds? If you are, can you call and ask if there is something more you can take until your appt? If you aren't, then it's going to be very difficult to get a handle on things. Been there, done that. :grouphug:

 

.

 

:iagree: remember the airplane rule. Put your own oxygen mask on first, then those of your children.

 

We had a horrid year last year. Moving, life, stress, stress, stress. We completed about 2/3rds of a year. My plan was to stop for a few weeks and do two things over the summer. Well that all got shot and I was prepared to spend two months doing remedial work this year.

 

In spite of the terrible year, ds grew. His reading level increased, he got his Latin. We restarted Japanese, and we changed algebra programs. Even in the chaos he grew. I have tulips blooming outside. We had a huge wind and rain storm the other day. We had hail. Last year I thought we planted a rose plant too late and killed it. It's blooming now. In spite of all the terrible weather we've had, the flowers still bloom.

 

You will finish this school year, you will get your health issues figured out, and despite the chaos you will all grow and bloom. Bloom where you are planted doesn't just mean location. It WILL be all right. :grouphug: You are beautiful flowers. You may bloom at different times and in different ways, but you will bloom.

 

Not my flowers, but wanted to share some sunshine with you today.

 

[Michelle in AL]

:grouphug: to you.

 

We've had a hard year too. What works best for me, like the other poster said, is to put on my own O2 mask too. For me that means doing something for myself everyday that is either relaxing or that I enjoy. I must do yoga or some exercise at least 3x/week.

 

I schedule an hour into each day for myself. In that hour I either knit, shop, read, watch mindless TV, do some sort of art or meditate. This keeps me more steady and sane.

 

After you feel better, than maybe you can schedule in some fun, low cost family ideas.

[Remudamom]

Why don't you all take a break and do some fun school things for a while that you never do? Make a paper chain, plant some sunflower seeds, play at the park? What could a day or two hurt?

 

I was really sick when the kids were younger. My arthritis was so bad they could not hug me. Too painful to be touched. We bumbled through. The kids learned. They are going to college.

 

Things will not always be like this. You need to believe that.

[MamaT]

:grouphug: ... And ....:bigear:

 

I am trying to figure it all out too. It has been a looooong few years here, and my anxiety issues are worse, meeds do NOT help at all, so far.

 

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking and praying for you and yours. And, though some would say to lay off school and just have some fun, that never worked for us. All I could think of was what we SHOULD be doing....and having kids who fell behind, because we constantly needed breaks only made me all the more anxious.

 

I would suggest making table time a priority....schedule it for 2 or 3 hours and then plan something fun for the afternoon. One day art, a drive in the car with a classical music cd, tea, cookies and poetry, bake something, work in the dirt...take a walk....anything that makes you feel connected to your kids and is cheap, so money does not become an issue.

 

In find when I do that, I then feel like we are facing our issues, and doing something productive about them.

 

Anyway, :grouphug: and prayers....

 

Faithe always seems to take the words right out of my mouth! :grouphug:We will talk about this when I see you this week. You know I love you. More :grouphug: until I can give you a real one.

[Dana]

:grouphug:

 

And I don't know if this is an actual suggestion or not, as I have an only, but might it be possible to really shake things up with school... something like teaching just one child one-on-one in the morning while the others did independent work? Then something all together in the afternoon (like your art or music or a school video).

[jenL]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You've received some great advice, Nakia. I would only be repeating what they've said.

 

I understand where you are; I really do. A friend suggested Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts when I was feeling lost and joyless earlier this year. I am still working through it, but it is helping me to see God's forgiveness (toward me) and the small blessings and joy He provides us on a daily basis. We get in our own way all the time (I am SO guilty of this), but he loves us unconditionally, and He wants us to feel joy. It takes conscious effort to find it in today's crazy world.

 

I will pray for you. I'm so sorry you are in this place. Please give yourself grace, and take it one day at a time. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

My health isn't great. I haven't been to see my psychiatrist in months, but I did make an appointment for two weeks from now. I am rapidly cycling, and I HATE it. It seems like I am going up and down hourly. It is awful.

 

I would work on YOU first. You are the foundation homeschooling is built on. :grouphug:

[WillametteMom]

:grouphug: I'm praying for you!

[SueinNC]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Rose in BC]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Truscifi]

:grouphug:

[*Inna*]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, Nakia.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[SunshineMom]

:grouphug:

I think you need a break-take two weeks off for spring break. Try to stay off the computer, turn off the tv, basically unplug for awhile. Venture back into hobbies and read a book that has been on your "to get to" list. Visit libraries, parks, friends, and free public events. I really think giving yourself re-charge time will prepare you to be more successful in finishing the school year. Wishing you all the best:)

[astrid]

I was just going to post the very same thing...... think about just calling off school on account of FUN. Sounds like you need a break in your routine-- all of you. Put away the books and just have fun without the stress of deadlines and measurements. Do some hiking, take the dog, plant a garden, etc. Read. Laugh. Play. Train the dog. Swing. Sing. Create. Hang out.

 

It'll all be okay--- know that so many of us are sending you love and good thoughts as you face life's challenges.

 

Sending you peace and strength, my friend.

 

astrid

[Random]

:grouphug: Nakia :grouphug:

[i.love.lucy]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You've received some great advice, Nakia. I would only be repeating what they've said.

 

I understand where you are; I really do. A friend suggested Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts when I was feeling lost and joyless earlier this year. I am still working through it, but it is helping me to see God's forgiveness (toward me) and the small blessings and joy He provides us on a daily basis. We get in our own way all the time (I am SO guilty of this), but he loves us unconditionally, and He wants us to feel joy. It takes conscious effort to find it in today's crazy world.

 

I will pray for you. I'm so sorry you are in this place. Please give yourself grace, and take it one day at a time. :grouphug:

:iagree:Also there's a 1000 Gifts app. All it does is provide a quote from the book but they can be very nice thoughts to meditate on or an inspiration for prayer.

 

Nakia, Until you get your meds checked, there is not a whole lot that hugs and advice can do for you. We can all commiserate to a degree, and those that do struggle with the same issues can certainly hug a lot. But it sounds like you are depressed. I'd sure just lay off school until you can get in to see your doc. Call it an extended Spring break if you need to. Let the kids go to the library and find books on art and music and crafts they can enjoy, let them play outside in the pretty weather. I agree completely that they will still learn, they might find their joy a little, and you will have on your oxygen mask until the turbulence is over.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Plucky]

Why don't you all take a break and do some fun school things for a while that you never do? Make a paper chain, plant some sunflower seeds, play at the park? What could a day or two hurt?

 

I was really sick when the kids were younger. My arthritis was so bad they could not hug me. Too painful to be touched. We bumbled through. The kids learned. They are going to college.

 

Things will not always be like this. You need to believe that.

 

I agree. I'd also go see your dr. and try to get your cycling under control. You won't be able to help your kids or family find the joy if you are cycling. :grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

I understand where you are; I really do. A friend suggested Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts when I was feeling lost and joyless earlier this year. I am still working through it, but it is helping me to see God's forgiveness (toward me) and the small blessings and joy He provides us on a daily basis. We get in our own way all the time (I am SO guilty of this), but he loves us unconditionally, and He wants us to feel joy. It takes conscious effort to find it in today's crazy world.

 

 

:iagree: I have been reading this. It has made me really think about being intentional about looking for joy in the ordinary, routine filled life. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[oneddmanybooks]

:grouphug: I'm sorry it's been so rough. I just prayed for you.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug:Nakia:grouphug:

[Quiver0f10]

:grouphug:

[nono]

:grouphug:

 

And maybe an impromptu dance party at your house? Just the family, music turned up loud, and everyone going nuts for 60-90 minutes, you know, just because?!

[Alessandra]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[5LittleMonkeys]

:grouphug:

 

Until you get some help for yourself (meds, doctor's visits) I'm sure anything you try to make things seem\feel better at home is going to be very hard.

 

I think if I were in your shoes I would try to be very focused on priority school for only 1 hour each day, because I know putting off school altogether would make me feel even worse, and then the rest of the day, for a couple of weeks until you get yourself into a better frame of mind, I would do some easy, relaxing things. Fun projects and big baking projects can often become very stressful while you try to organize, pull together materials, and keep every one from making a huge mess. I would focus more on simple.

 

I'm talking more about things where you aren't trying to produce a finished project or worrying about something turning out "right". Stay away from anything that is going to cost money and try to stop watching the clock. Plan simple, easy meals and plan on eating when you all are hungry and not because it is mealtime according to the clock. The key is to relax, breathe, calm your mind, slow down and use your 5 senses in everything you experience. Live in the moment and don't worry about tomorrow or next week (as well as you can...I'm not suggesting you allow your cupboards to become bare or not keep gas in your car). If you can't find your own joy right now, focus on the joy of those around you.

 

How about staying in your pjs and everyone cuddling up on the couch with blankets, pillows, popcorn and chocolate milk and reading for hours just for the pure joy of it...not because it's on the schedule. Putting big sheets of paper on the floor and coloring\doodling - yes, you too - doodling can be very relaxing. If it's warm enough where you are set up the sprinkler and let the kids play while you just sunbathe or sit nearby letting the sprinkles hit you; listen to the joy in your children's laughter. Paint each other's toes and fingernails while you listen to fun or relaxing music. Fix each other's hair and do make-up. Go to the library and just sit there and read fluffy stuff. Watch some fun or well loved movies. Is there a park nearby that you can visit? Take a few blankets and pack a lunch, bring a few books and just hang out. Nature trails or woods nearby? Walk, watch, smell, touch, listen.

 

I know everyone is different, but these are the things that bring me the most joy in my life. Just relaxing and being with my kids with no expectations, no timeline, no money having to be spent, no right or wrong way to do it, and experiences that help me relax and witness the simple pleasures of life with children.

 

I hope you feel better soon Nakia, and I pray you find even some small bit of joy in each day. :grouphug:

[UmMusa]

Hope things look up for you soon.

[Nakia]

I can't thank you all enough. It always amazes me that I post and you all actually do care. I think sometimes that the people here care more than the people that I know irl. Or maybe, I am just more transparent here and open to the love and care. The hugs are so sweet, the prayers mean everything to me, and those of you who have suggestions and advice, I do so much appreciate it. So many of your sweet words brought tears to my eyes.

 

Let me address a few things that have been brought up. I hate being dependent on meds. HATE IT. BUT, I am still taking,and will continue to take, my meds. I take 3 routine meds, but I also have a med that I can take for anxiety as needed. Sometimes I have to to take it frequently (as in every day for a week or so) and sometimes I only have to take it once a week or once every two weeks. I reason I take 3 different meds for my bipolar disorder is because I am super sensitive to meds, and I also tend to have very strange reactions to meds. Therefore, it works better for me to take more meds at lower doses than one med at a higher dose. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, last time I saw my doc, we discussed me weaning off one of the meds to just see if I could do it. So I haven't been taking it for two months. I don't know if that is part of the problem or not. Either way, when I called for my appt, I asked her to call me in a new rx for the med, and she did, so I'm back on it.

 

This time of year is always so dang hard for me. Homeschooling is kinda like torture this time of year, and this year it's 100 times worse. It's been two years since I saw the motorcycle accident that rocked my world. Last year about this time, there was a tragedy at work that I was involved in (I referred to it in the Kennedy thread), and I have PTSD from those two events. So while the world is becoming more and more beautiful outside, I am dark inside. :(

 

We did take a couple of weeks off last month, mostly due to sickness, but also to try and recharge. The problem is, like most of you mentioned, taking time off makes me more stressed. I love the idea of setting a limit on how much seat work we are going to do per day and then planning relaxing and/or fun things for the afternoon. My girls love to just be outside, and it seems like we don't even have time for that because of school. But that will need to change.

 

I know I am depressed because I have just about zero desire to do anything. I did get excited about seeing the Hunger Games movie, and I am really excited about going to hang out with MamaT on Tuesday. I don't even want to cook lately, and that's not like me. I hate being depressed, and I hate being anxious, and I am going from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I just hate myself.

 

Yesterday Patrick mowed the grass and pulled out a bunch of overgrown and gross shrubbery that's been making me nuts. That did give me joy! The yard looks so nice. I'm trying not to pay attention to all the stuff that needs to be done. My house is a mess, but tonight Patrick and I are going to sit down and make a plan to get it back in order. Baby steps. I am working more so everyone else is going to have to step it up to help me out.

 

This morning when I got home from work, I went to bed instead of going to church. Then when I got up, we took the girls to the park, and they had a great time playing and riding their new bikes that my mom bought for them. That made me happy. I am trying.

 

Okay, I'll stop. But thanks again for the love. I mean it. It just means so much to me.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

I don't have any good advice, just a :grouphug:. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[kamom]

Have you considered a nutritional supplement? I have a friend who struggled through depression and found a supplement called Truehope that made a real difference for her. Her testimony is "I can enjoy my children again."

 

Just throwing it out for you to consider. Here is the link:https://www.mytruehope.net/store/default.asp?__utma=1.475581656.1333321743.1333321743.1333321743.1&__utmb=1.1.10.1333321743&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1333321743.1.1.utmcsr=yahoo|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=true%20hope%20vitamins&__utmv=-&__utmk=242781698

[juelle]

:grouphug:to you Nakia. You are dearly loved as a precious child of God. We who struggle with depression find it hard to accept. I'm praying that He will give you a clear sense of His delight in you. And that this dark cloud will be lifted from you.

[Night Elf]

Let me address a few things that have been brought up. I hate being dependent on meds. HATE IT. BUT, I am still taking,and will continue to take, my meds.

 

Me too Nakia, me too. Sometimes that very fact bothers me tremendously and I try to talk to DH about it because I need someone to just listen and sympathize. And honestly, if I hear the whole diabetes needs insulin comparison one more time, I think I'll scream. I *know* my meds are necessary, but that doesn't mean I have to like being dependent on them. However, as my DH loves to remind me, I do not want to go back to the days before meds. It's the one thing I remind myself of repeatedly. At least the meds work. They aren't perfect, but they are good enough.

 

:grouphug: