DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 would you solicit funds from people you didn't know? I am a bit shocked by a mom's post on a moms group I am on (forum). Apparently her dad is dying and she can't afford funeral expenses and her mother won't pay for them. She also went on a very long tirade about her entire family problems, including her mother going to jail for attempted murder but being let out, etc..... Her post was to ask us, even those of us who don't know her, to help pay for her father's funeral. She even linked a paypal account for donations. Do you find this odd? Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 My mother did not have a life insurance policy so both me and my brother had to draw from our retirement accounts and take out loans. I can't imagine asking for help with that. Most cities, counties and state have resource for indigent folks. She should check into that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Maybe a little odd. I go by the motto, "You never know until you ask." However, I would be less inclined to help someone who aired dirty laundry in a rant. If she just said that she needed help with funeral expenses, I might. People on this forum have helped a couple long-time posters here. I didn't think it was odd then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KirstenH Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I'm not the type of person who ever feels comfortable asking for help (financial or otherwise), even from people whom I know well, so no, I would not do that. Based on past internet experience, though, I predict she will receive plenty of assistance. Is this a local type forum, where her story could be easily verified? Or are you all strangers to one another in real life? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Do you find this odd? Infradig, rather than odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 So tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Unfortunately they sometimes bring out the worst in people, don't they? I can understand the person's frustration and worry about her father. If no one will pay for a burial, they are usually cremated and buried in a common area at the convenience of the county or state. In that situation, I'd probably somehow scrape together the funds or put it on a credit card to have them cremated and I'd save the remains for later burial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 It is a local forum. I have never met or heard of her though. But I am sure her story can be verified. Dawn I'm not the type of person who ever feels comfortable asking for help (financial or otherwise), even from people whom I know well, so no, I would not do that. Based on past internet experience, though, I predict she will receive plenty of assistance. Is this a local type forum, where her story could be easily verified? Or are you all strangers to one another in real life? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Yes, I do find that odd. It would never occur to me to ask strangers for help. I would suck up the debt and deal with my responsibility to my family member. My family, my problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 She also said that her father is a VET but that his records of being a Vet burned in a fire in their town. Does that even make sense? Wouldn't the records also be somewhere else? DC or something? She said he hasn't received his Vet benefits due to the fire. I just am finding the whole story fishy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black_midori Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 It certainly isn't something I would do - but it doesn't surprise me at all that someone would. I'd be very unlikely to actually give money, though. I am more than willing to help people who genuinely need help, but in the case of weddings and funerals I find added expenses completely unnecessary. For funerals, there are other alternatives (such as the social services department of the local area) rather than a big to-do. The rant about family would also put me off, for sure. (For weddings, if you can't afford the wedding of your dreams you either shouldn't get married or should be happy with just running to the courthouse for a certificate!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I would find it odd, and probably tacky. I think it would depend on the exact circumstance, though. I've donated money to various people/causes over the years, when I could, if I thought the reason was legitimate and all, and I've seen nothing wrong with that. I remember one woman who had a parent die unexpectedly, leaving her with a huge funeral expense, that she couldn't afford, and since she was a long-time poster, and I was able to do so at the time, because she flat-out asked nicely, I sent a bit of money and was glad to do so. In this case, it sounds odd and at least slightly fishy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Yes, that is odd. It dosn't mean I wouldn't help necessarily, but I definitely think it is unorthodox and a bit strange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Considering here they put in the obituary that you can send funds to the family (in lieu of flowers or such). . . . but personally? Yes. I think it's odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 It certainly isn't something I would do - but it doesn't surprise me at all that someone would. I'd be very unlikely to actually give money, though. I am more than willing to help people who genuinely need help, but in the case of weddings and funerals I find added expenses completely unnecessary. For funerals, there are other alternatives (such as the social services department of the local area) rather than a big to-do. The rant about family would also put me off, for sure. (For weddings, if you can't afford the wedding of your dreams you either shouldn't get married or should be happy with just running to the courthouse for a certificate!!) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 She also said that her father is a VET but that his records of being a Vet burned in a fire in their town. Does that even make sense? Wouldn't the records also be somewhere else? DC or something? She said he hasn't received his Vet benefits due to the fire. I just am finding the whole story fishy. Uh, being a Vet is a FEDERAL issue, afaik, not a municipal or state one. I call troll. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMe Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 She also said that her father is a VET but that his records of being a Vet burned in a fire in their town. Does that even make sense? Wouldn't the records also be somewhere else? DC or something? She said he hasn't received his Vet benefits due to the fire. I just am finding the whole story fishy. Yes. If he is a vet you can find the records and it'll be paid for in it's entirety. My dh was in the military for only 4 years and was able to retrieve his records...that's 30 years ago. Fishy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Yes and no. It seems like it was oddly done. ON the other hand, my dear friend that died at age 32, of a stroke, with a 2 year old son left behind and a police officer husband did not have a lot of money set aside for funeral/medical bills. Obviously she wasn't expecting that need at this age. The family didn't ask for money, but friends set up a paypal account to collect money to cover medical and funeral costs, and another friend set up a fundraiser to raise money for the same and for a college fund for her son. So donating isn't weird, asking that way certainly is. edited to add that the funeral wasn't a huge costly affair. The music was provided for free by a local musician, she was cremated and the urn was made by a friend, and the food served at the reception was pot luck, provided by the moms group she was a part of. I wouldn't have wanted to donate for string quartet, but for the cost of the church building and such, yes, of course. Edited March 18, 2012 by ktgrok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Interesting. She said they would only cover the cost of a flag on his coffin. Are there certain regulations for them to cover expenses? Maybe he doesnt' meet them. Dawn Yes. If he is a vet you can find the records and it'll be paid for in it's entirety. My dh was in the military for only 4 years and was able to retrieve his records...that's 30 years ago. Fishy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMe Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Interesting. She said they would only cover the cost of a flag on his coffin. Are there certain regulations for them to cover expenses? Maybe he doesnt' meet them. Dawn "She" meaning wife? I'm not sure. DH was in for the initial 4 years. I'm sure there is more coverage depending upon how long they've been in for and whether they get a full military funeral or part. And I'm sure monetary there's a difference. So forgive me when I said "entirety". I stand corrected. But do they cover aspects depending upon how long they're in. It can also depend upon where they are buried. I would find the records and go from there. But then I certainly wouldn't give this woman money except a phone number on where to make the contact on getting vet benefits. Edited March 18, 2012 by alilac Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 She meaning the daughter, sorry. I guess she and her mother don't speak. I don't quite understand why the mother can't just take care of the burial. And no idea about the records.....it doesn't make sense and honestly, I am trying NOT to post and get involved. Dawn "She" meaning wife? I'm not sure. DH was in for the initial 4 years. I'm sure there is more coverage depending upon how long they've been in for and whether they get a full military funeral or part. It can also depend upon where they are buried. I would find the records and go from there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) She also said that her father is a VET but that his records of being a Vet burned in a fire in their town. Does that even make sense? Wouldn't the records also be somewhere else? DC or something? She said he hasn't received his Vet benefits due to the fire. I just am finding the whole story fishy. Actually military personnel records from 1912 to 1960 were lost in a fire at one of the national archives building. http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/fire-1973.html If he served during those years and was honorably discharged he should be eligible for burial in a national cemetery. If the family is opting to bury him in a private ceremony then the claim about the flag sounds correct. But if they have the records to prove him eligible for a private burial with military honors, then they'd have what they needed for a national cemetery burial. If she was posting in public asking for donations, I'd be inclined to link the VA burial information. you know, as a friendly FYI.;) http://www.cem.va.gov/bbene_burial.asp http://www.vba.va.gov/VBA/benefits/factsheets/burials/Burial.pdf Edited March 18, 2012 by Pippen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 There are so many scammers online, I would never donate to an individual making this kind of request unless I had a history of personal contact with them or knew them IRL. I don't find it odd, I find it scammish. Even if it is legit, will there be any transparency that all the funds collected actually go to the funeral? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 She also said that her father is a VET but that his records of being a Vet burned in a fire in their town. Does that even make sense? Wouldn't the records also be somewhere else? DC or something? She said he hasn't received his Vet benefits due to the fire. I just am finding the whole story fishy. I would be inclined to agree with you. If he was a vet, he is entitled to be buried in a national cemetery and have a headstone as part of his benefits, but his discharge papers (DD214 or equivalent)would be required. If the records were destroyed in a fire, then the family could apply for a copy through the VA, but it may take awhile IF, and only IF, the records are still available. Here is a link to information for vets in the State of Indiana in such cases, but the information is useful to all states really. Why not post a link to this site on the forum you found the request on and suggest that she try to obtain copies. BTW, VA benefits don't cover all costs of the funeral and transportation of the body to the cemetery. There are still costs involved, so this lady is probably very overwhelmed and hurting over the loss of her father. She obviously hasn't been raised with the same sense of values and boundaries that many of us here take for granted. Unfortunately, her case a very good example of why people should consider their loved ones and plan ahead. Despite this, some compassion for the lady in this painful situation and not judging her would be a good way to go. I'm not saying everyone should give her the money she's asking for, but maybe some thoughtful advice and direction to possible resources would be the best way to help her. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Ok, this is the fire she referred to. So, if indeed his records WERE burned, how could she get his records before she needs him buried? Dawn Actually military personnel records from 1912 to 1960 were lost in a fire at one of the national archives building. http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/fire-1973.html If he served during those years and was honorably discharged he should be eligible for burial in a national cemetery. If the family is opting to bury him in a private ceremony then the claim about the flag sounds correct. But if they have the records to prove him eligible for a private burial with military honors, then they'd have what they needed for a national cemetery burial. If she was posting in public asking for donations, I'd be inclined to link the VA burial information. you know, as a friendly FYI.;) http://www.cem.va.gov/bbene_burial.asp http://www.vba.va.gov/VBA/benefits/factsheets/burials/Burial.pdf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 would you solicit funds from people you didn't know? I am a bit shocked by a mom's post on a moms group I am on (forum). Apparently her dad is dying and she can't afford funeral expenses and her mother won't pay for them. She also went on a very long tirade about her entire family problems, including her mother going to jail for attempted murder but being let out, etc..... Her post was to ask us, even those of us who don't know her, to help pay for her father's funeral. She even linked a paypal account for donations. Do you find this odd? Dawn I'm sitting here in the stress- and drama-free comfort of my living room, so yes - it seems odd. I'm pretty sure I'd never do that, and I'm fortunate to have a family dynamic that would make this a situation I'd never have to deal with, but ... in the interest of empathy and assuming the best, I can see how if I were dealing with a parent near death (and maybe the preceeding stress of failing health leading to that point) (oh, and the forthcoming stress of figuring out how to finance it, even if that's just researching a VA paper trail) knowing that I'd be doing it alone with peanut gallery commentary from a crazy, convict of a mother ... well, maybe I wouldn't be so rational to think through this type of request. It sounds like a highly stressful situation, and I'm not sure any of us can say with certainty how we'd react in a similar situation (if true). Sounds like she's overwhelmed, and maybe not acting in her usual manner? That aside, there are lots of things my pride would/does keep me from doing. Anything relating to my parents or children automatically overcomes my pride, and maybe even common sense and good reason. I'd beg for them, without hesitation, from anyone and everyone. In this case, a burial is done once (there's no re-do! usually LOL) so it should be done "right" per one's cultural norms and/or religious traditions. So couple that with the background of this specific situation, and ... I don't know, maybe it's not so odd after all? That said, I'm a cynic by nature. I wouldn't send paypal but I'd offer to make a direct donation to the funeral home, cause-specific bank account, or religious organization. Even for a stranger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PuddleJumper1 Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 When my grandfather passed away almost 17 years ago he was buried in a National Cemetary (WWII vet). The funeral still cost my grandmother nearly $10,000 and she did nothing extra fancy. He was also a fire chief so the fire department provided the transport of his coffin to the cemetary and provided a meal for the family and friends after the funeral. Funerals are just plain expensive even for those with veteran status. I agree, the request is quite odd. I would never be able to do something like that but perhaps she is just too overwelmed with it all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 If I were you, Dawn, I would not get involved in this situation at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 It think it's ridiculous anyone should have to go broke to bury a dead body. Clearly, the woman agrees with you, Wendy. That's why she's trying to weasel other people into paying the expenses for her. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Random Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I wouldn't ask for money from strangers. But, I see it done regularly. Infradig, rather than odd. Hey, thanks! I just learned a new word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Hey, thanks! I just learned a new word. :D +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jallison25 Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 well, yes i think the way she asked was odd. However, up until recently i would have never asked strangers for money. But, we are adopting a little guy with down syndrome from another country and do have a link on our blog if people feel like they want to contribute. It's a nice way for family to be able to contribute and have it be tax deduction. Is it tacky? I don't know? Maybe the difference is we haven't made a huge post on a public forum asking for money? I guess i'm just saying sometimes people need help. I have no idea if this lady is a scammer or not, just trying to give another point of view. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Yes, but you said family and I assume friends too. I see that as quite different. Dawn well, yes i think the way she asked was odd. However, up until recently i would have never asked strangers for money. But, we are adopting a little guy with down syndrome from another country and do have a link on our blog if people feel like they want to contribute. It's a nice way for family to be able to contribute and have it be tax deduction. Is it tacky? I don't know? Maybe the difference is we haven't made a huge post on a public forum asking for money? I guess i'm just saying sometimes people need help. I have no idea if this lady is a scammer or not, just trying to give another point of view. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 I had to look it up too. I wouldn't ask for money from strangers. But, I see it done regularly. Hey, thanks! I just learned a new word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 No, never. Wow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jallison25 Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Yes, but you said family and I assume friends too. I see that as quite different. Dawn i do think it's different, i'm just wondering, if she is truly legitamite, if she is in shock or grief or something and not thinking about her other options. In our case, if it comes down to it, we will take out a loan if we have too. Maybe she can't get a loan or isn't thinking clearly? Or maybe she just wants a bunch of people to give her money :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Ok, this is the fire she referred to. So, if indeed his records WERE burned, how could she get his records before she needs him buried? Dawn http://www.archives.gov/veterans/military-service-records/index.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 http://www.archives.gov/veterans/military-service-records/index.html Before that she should ask her dad if he still has his military discharge paper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 My mother did not have a life insurance policy so both me and my brother had to draw from our retirement accounts and take out loans. I can't imagine asking for help with that. Most cities, counties and state have resource for indigent folks. She should check into that. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I would to pay for medication that would keep a child alive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Apparently her mother has them. And her dad now has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember anything. She SAYS there is an attorney on the case but doesn't say what she means by that. It just isn't sitting right with me, even though she has a website/link set up for donations and has pictures posted. Dawn Before that she should ask her dad if he still has his military discharge paper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Hey, thanks! I just learned a new word. As with many new words, once you learn it, you will see examples of it everywhere. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 with regard to the vet records: Some people get completely overwhelmed about replacing important documents and freeze up no matter how much it costs them not to have the documents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Ok, all the ideas have been presented to her and she has come up with excuses for all of them. What do people with very little money do if they can't afford funerals? Surely not every funeral and burial is $10,000? If nothing else, this makes me very thankful that my parents have pre-paid and arranged all of their funeral and burial arrangements. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 would you solicit funds from people you didn't know? I am a bit shocked by a mom's post on a moms group I am on (forum). Apparently her dad is dying and she can't afford funeral expenses and her mother won't pay for them. She also went on a very long tirade about her entire family problems, including her mother going to jail for attempted murder but being let out, etc..... Her post was to ask us, even those of us who don't know her, to help pay for her father's funeral. She even linked a paypal account for donations. Do you find this odd? Dawn Yes, and incredibly inappropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runmiarun Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) I think it's fishy. Edited March 19, 2012 by runmiarun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 What do people with very little money do if they can't afford funerals? Surely not every funeral and burial is $10,000? My father was a veteran and he passed away last year. His wishes were to be cremated and have a simple memorial service at his church. His widow wanted to have his ashes interred in a national cemetery near her home. Total cost to us was about $1600 to the funeral home for cremation and other services, $100 towards food for after the service, and a donation to the pastor/church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Several people have suggested cremation. She says her dad's wishes were to be buried and not cremated. If that is true, I can understand her not wanting to do that, but if he didn't plan ahead for his demise, I can't see she has too much choice. My father was a veteran and he passed away last year. His wishes were to be cremated and have a simple memorial service at his church. His widow wanted to have his ashes interred in a national cemetery near her home. Total cost to us was about $1600 to the funeral home for cremation and other services, $100 towards food for after the service, and a donation to the pastor/church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Yes. If he is a vet you can find the records and it'll be paid for in it's entirety. My dh was in the military for only 4 years and was able to retrieve his records...that's 30 years ago. Fishy. I'm in to geneaology research and I know one of the federal archives had a fire and certain vets' records aren't available through the feds anymore. My dad's a Korean vet -- and he has his discharge papers -- but his federal records are gone. It only affects certain time periods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Several people have suggested cremation. She says her dad's wishes were to be buried and not cremated. If that is true, I can understand her not wanting to do that, but if he didn't plan ahead for his demise, I can't see she has too much choice. It sure sounds like she has all her bases covered! The only thing left for you to do is to make a huge donation towards the funeral of a man you don't know who has Alzheimers' but who isn't yet dead, whose miltary records were destroyed in a fire but yet at the same time whose wife has them, whose wishes were to be buried but whose wife refuses to bury him and regardless funds aren't even available to cremate him--all funded by requests for donations by a daughter who doesn't sound like she's has any legal rights to make arrangements since there's a surviving spouse. Oh, and there's an attorney working on it so that should make you feel better about the cause being legitimate! If you have any cash left over, I have some houses in Florida we could talk about...;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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