I'm not sure how I feel about this..... thoughts?

[HappyLady]

I'm very close to my sister's kids, ages 16, 12 and 7. We're so close that the older two tell me all the time that when they're 18 they're coming to live with me. :) I've been there for everything in their lives - pre-K and K "graduations," school functions, awards ceremonies, etc. We've vacationed together, they sleep at my house a lot, we go out to eat, shopping, all sorts of things. And they are very close with my kids now, despite the age differences (mine are 4 and 1.5).

 

Well, my younger nephew's birthday was recently and my sister planned a "friends only" party instead of a family one. Besides my feelings being hurt, I'm glad my 4 year old didn't realize she missed out on it because she would have REALLY been upset. She's super close to the 7 year old and absolutely loves birthday parties.

 

I can understand that my nephew is at the age where friend parties are going to be more fun than a family party, but I just can't imagine not celebrating your birthday with friends and not family. My sister never did this with her older two so this is all new to me. Is this a normal thing to do for younger kids? I always figured once my kids were older I'd have a small friend party and then a small family party (I'd have separate ones only because my DH's family doesn't know how to censor themselves around little kids :glare:).

 

I'm really hurt right now that I didn't get to celebrate my nephew's birthday with him and I'm even more hurt that my DD missed out on his birthday as well. My older nephew and niece spent the night at my house because they didn't want to be there for the party so I only saw my little nephew when my sister came to pick up her kids. I handed my nephew his gift and that was the extent of "celebrating" with him.

 

Should I not be hurt by this? Is it normal to exclude family once the friend parties start? Help me to look at this from another POV because I'm just really sad right now and don't want to be. :(

[Jean in Newcastle]

Most families I know have some birthdays as family ones and some as friends only.

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt but please know that you and your kids can still celebrate your nephew's birthday with him. It sounds like you see them often so next time you meet him have a snack with perhaps some cupcakes and a few gifts for him. Do not bring up his other party. This is not in competition. It's just your way of celebrating your special bond.

[NanceXToo]

I can understand having a party for friends, but I don't know why they wouldn't pick another day to at least have some family over for pizza and cake if nothing else! And especially with how close you all are!

 

Maybe you can just contact her and say, "We'd really like to have a chance to celebrate nephew's birthday with him, too. Can you guys come over for dinner and we'll have a cake for him over here?" Maybe she'll get the point that you don't like missing out on celebrating with him and at least think to do a separate family thing next year, as well, and you'll get a chance to celebrate with him.

[Danestress]

Because I live near my family, I take these things in stride. My kids see both Grandmothers all the time, see their cousin regularly, and my sisters get to participate in as much of their lives as they choose.

 

So I wouldn't think twice about having a "friends" birthday party. Usually I will have a special family dinner another night so that the Grandmas can cut cake and exchange presents. But really, if that didn't get done, they wouldn't be hurt and would drop off a present. They can always see my kids another day.

 

I think it's really normal for a seven year old boy to want a "friends" party that might not include a four year old girl. If he were generally rejecting of you all and didn't want to hang out with her other times, then I would have my feelings hurt. But the party itself seems ok to me. It would be different if you traveled some distance to be there for his birthday and then were told not to come to the party.

[MomatHWTK]

Maybe the 7 y.o. wanted it to be that way. Maybe mom had other things going on and just wasn't in the mood. Maybe she's changing her style of doing things. But it is her style. Whether you or I have family and friends doesn't matter, because it's not our child. If there's no party and I wanted to make sure a relatives child knew they were special, I'd send a nice card. It's OK to do things differently, even with different age kids. A lot can change in 5 years.

[ktgrok]

I think it is totally normal to have a party with your friends at that age. And two parties seems like a bit much. You could always take him out to lunch or something to celebrate if you want.

[Samiam]

While you can be hurt, you don't really have a right to push your "expectations" on to them. You expected something different, they don't have to do what you expect.

 

While I could see having two small parties, a friends and then a family, it's their right to do it the way they did. There's nothing WRONG with what they did. Perhaps there were reasons behind it. Did you ask?

 

You'll have to swallow it and move on. In the grand scheme of life, people have posted here much more horrible sibling stories :). This sounds, well, not really that horrible.

[jennsmile]

Living near family is wonderful. But I don't attend every birthday, nor do we always invite everybody. Sometimes it is just easier to to have just a small party instead of inviting everybody, which at one time would be 15 people. I sometimes like small parties. And if we do friend parties and only invite grandparents and the cousin close in age.

[Remudamom]

Don't be upset. You never know what could be going on. Throw him a party of your own.

[In the Rain]

Maybe you can just contact her and say, "We'd really like to have a chance to celebrate nephew's birthday with him, too. Can you guys come over for dinner and we'll have a cake for him over here?"

 

I like this idea, and the one of taking him out to lunch.

 

I've been on the other side of this scenario, with a 6yo dd who didn't want a 4yo boy at her little girl tea party. It was the first time she had a friend party, and I know other people's feeling were hurt.

[angela in ohio]

Most families I know have some birthdays as family ones and some as friends only.

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt but please know that you and your kids can still celebrate your nephew's birthday with him. It sounds like you see them often so next time you meet him have a snack with perhaps some cupcakes and a few gifts for him. Do not bring up his other party. This is not in competition. It's just your way of celebrating your special bond.

 

:iagree:

[catz]

I think it is totally normal to have a party with your friends at that age. And two parties seems like a bit much. You could always take him out to lunch or something to celebrate if you want.

 

:iagree: I'm sure this is difficult if this is the first time this is happening. But if she has 3 kids x 2 parties that is 6 kid related birthday gatherings a year and that does get to be a chunk of time for a busy family. When my kids were younger I felt like I was losing a whole month to entertaining family and friends in separate gatherings and it got to be too much. Now I let the birthday kid pick ONE thing they'd like to do and we acknowledge birthdays with families whenever we happen to be getting together anyway. I'd just let your sister know you want to bring him a gift or meet for pizza or something

[5kidsforME]

I don't think it's a big deal at all. Maybe he wanted a friend party and your sister didn't feel like having two parties for whatever reason. She probably figured it was no big deal and since you are so close that you would understand without any explanations needed.

[coralloyd]

I'd be hurt too. I would think cousins would be included as friends. Maybe the age difference is an issue? However, my kids have friends of all ages ranging from 2-12 that come to their birthdays. Family is always invited to every kid party I have been to. Even if the focus is all geared towards kids. I'm usually wrong on these things though. So don't pay any attention to me.

[Shellydon]

We sometimes do friends only birthdays. When you invite both family and friends, the number of people quickly explodes to an unmanageable level. Friends only keeps the numbers much smaller.

[Matryoshka]

I live near my family. The kids all have their own friend parties without family.

 

However... we also celebrate family birthdays, but we share. So, my nephews and I share a family birthday in Feb, my mom and SIL share with youngest dd in Dec, dh shares with my dad in Mar, and my twins share with my brother in June. I have to say that the grandparents are just as happy not to have to sit through a bunch of party-happy kids - with just family we can visit. This allows us all to celebrate family birthdays as well as giving each kid their own party with friends without party overload. :)

 

(Well, actually, all three of mine have shared their friend party for years, but that has nothing to do with family ;))

[HeidiKC]

I'm so sorry your feelings were hurt and that you didn't get to help celebrate. I agree with what a few others said. It may be your nephew's choice (not that he doesn't want your family, but is into a friend party). And personally I think two parties for a child is excessive and I would avoid doing that. Partly because it's a lot of work and would be hard to find time for two parties, and partly because I don't think it sends the right message to my kids.

 

We usually just do a friend party and invite grandparents only rather than cousins, etc.

 

If this is going to be his new thing and it is upsetting to you and your kids, I think what I'd do is plan on hosting a celebration for him yourself. Whether it is a nice dinner, or just punch and cupcakes.

 

I wouldn't take it personally. If it continues to bother you, could you ask your sister about it? It does seem strange that if it's been the tradition to celebrate with family that she didn't explain when they decided not to this year.

[RanchGirl]

If you want to have a special moment with your nephew, take him to lunch or bake him a cake next time he's at your house. It will be much more meaningful than seeing him for a few minutes across the room with his friends, don't you think? Don't tell your sister how to do her party planning, and don't plan one yourself to do it the way you think she should have.

 

I wouldn't be offended at all. In fact, I *wish* my BIL/SIL would stop hosting these ridiculous combined friends/family/neighbor parties. I swear they just want to get as many gifts as possible, no matter how unpleasant it is for the guests. And don't get me started on having a big family/neighbor party every year for adult birthdays. Yuck.

 

I think my kids would be mortified to have their grandparents and aunts and uncles, not to mention sundry neighbors, standing around staring at them and their friends at a bday party, but we usually do active bday parties not sit around and munch chips so it's a little different.

[LucyStoner]

I would call and invite them over for dinner and have a balloon and a cake for your nephew. That is what we do in my family...in fact usually I have them over here for my nieces' birthdays and we go there for my sons' on the basic premise that it is easier to host a small family dinner and make a cake when you are not pulling together a kid bday party.

 

I can't really see how a 4 year old girl would fit well with a 7 year old boy's party if it is a friend's party. I think an all ages family thing is the solution.

Edited February 26, 2012 by kijipt

[tex-mex]

I think it is totally normal to have a party with your friends at that age. And two parties seems like a bit much. You could always take him out to lunch or something to celebrate if you want.

:iagree:

 

I think the OP is being a tad too hypersensitive? Perhaps the birthday boy wanted to go to a place that cost $$ per person and for some reason, the parents could not afford additional people due to budget? It happens. I would not take it personally. :confused: I do think it is kind of odd the OP is emotionally offended over the perceived slight when there may be a logical answer.

[SailorMom]

Normal, and expected.

I am assuming the nephew is the 7 yo? My 7 yo sons wouldn't have wanted a 4 yo or a 1.5 yo at their "friend" birthday parties. The activities are geared for the age of the birthday boy, and he probably wants some "me" time with his buddies. Your nephew may absolutely adore you and your kids - but that doesn't mean he wants you and your kids around all the time.... Kids that age need their own lives and start having birthday parties with friends in their class.

My parents would do the family party, and then the friend party for us, but that was expensive, and many people can not do that - not enough time or money.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I think it sounds totally appropriate to have a friends only party. Maybe he asked for one. Maybe, like me, your sister never imagined you'd care so she hurt your feelings unwittingly. I just don't think it's a big deal.

[Chris in VA]

Agreeing that it's normal not to have extended family over.

 

Gently, I'd expect to maybe see a lessening of the closeness as the 7yo ages. IME, a 3 yr difference gets to be a lot during the preteen and teen years as the difference in maturity widens. And there's the boy-girl thing, too. But it's ok, because later, that 3 years is nothing!

 

If you do invite your nephew over, I'd make it low key, so it doesn't seem like you are correcting his mom's behavior in not inviting your dd.

 

:grouphug:

[Mommyfaithe]

Just invite him to do something special with you and your kids. He'll love it....and it may turn out to be a special thing you all do together.

 

Faithe

[Trish]

We always have a "friends party" (which is usually pretty age specific) and a family party separately. The family party is usually a dinner with cake and presents. If the family isn't up to both events you could have it at your house. For us it doesn't matter where it's celebrated, as long as everyone gets to sing happy birthday and eat sweets!

[Word Nerd]

Try to remember that how a family chooses to celebrate a child's birthday--including your extended family--is not about you. It's about the birthday kid. There is no reason you can't do something to celebrate with him later.

[CatholicMom]

Maybe the 7 y.o. wanted it to be that way. Maybe mom had other things going on and just wasn't in the mood. Maybe she's changing her style of doing things. But it is her style. Whether you or I have family and friends doesn't matter, because it's not our child. If there's no party and I wanted to make sure a relatives child knew they were special, I'd send a nice card. It's OK to do things differently, even with different age kids. A lot can change in 5 years.

 

:iagree:

 

Personally, I would be hurt if my kids said they wanted to go live with their aunt when they were 18 (How would you feel if your kids said that?). I'm coming at this from the point of view of "the mom" with a SIL who loves my kids so much that sometimes I think she fantasizes about them being HER kids (which annoys the heck out of me). Anyway, letting her know you are hurt about this or that you think it's not the way she should do parties might make her feel that you think you know what's best for her family, are critiquing her mothering, etc. That's how I feel when my SIL critiques (ok, mine is blatant, though) how I want to do things. I want to say to her, "What's it to you? It's not your choice. Not your kids." I think it's really bold of her to say 1 word about what kind of party I want to have with my kids (phew, can you tell we went through this a couple weeks ago? lol). I'm not saying YOU are making your feelings known to her. It sounds like you haven't. But I'm saying I think it's wise to keep it that way.Because letting her know your feelings are hurt and that you are disappointed would be implying to her that she's not "doing it right." And she's not doing ANYthing wrong. She's the mom.

 

Hope that didn't sound too harsh. Just trying to give you what might be her point-of-view. You might want to consider the possibility that she is changing her way of doing parties because you come on too strong with her kids? If she feels like you think you're the 2nd mom and it secretly bugs her, it might have to do with her distancing her family from you with the parties. I think it would be nice of her to invite your kids but the fact that she didn't, I might suspect an intentional distancing. I have to say that IF that is the case (and I'm totally speculating based on the comment about her kids wanting to live with you & that you've done a lot of things with her kids), then I can't blame her for wanting to reclaim birthdays for her own immediate family and enjoy just entertaining her kids and little friends instead of feeling overshadowed by you or other family members who are "too much" for her.

 

Just worth considering that this could be her point of view. But it could be a lot less thought-out than that and she just, hey, wants to have a friends party for her kid.

Edited February 26, 2012 by TaraJo29

[Stayseeliz]

We're doing friend parties this year. We don't do them every year. We do a separate party for family whether it just be cake and ice cream, etc. It's important to celebrate with family!

[CatholicMom]

Background on where I'm coming from: I recently wanted to "reclaim" birthdays for our own family, so I said that since we didn't have time that weekend for a "party" anyway (which was true), we were going to celebrate family-only. Well all my SIL heard was "no party" and she told my DH on AIM that "I have to be honest and say it really sucks." (I'm thinking: That's funny, because I didn't ask!) She said "I just think that kids should have a party every birthday, especially when they're little." (I'm thinking: That's fine. Think what you want. Have fun doing it with YOUR kids. What right does she have to tell us what she thinks about the way we do ANYthing with our kids?) Notice how offense can be taken very easily with this sort of thing.

 

Then later I actually felt bad because all my kids have ever known was having grandma, grandpa, and 5 aunts and uncles and cousins over for birthdays so I was afraid the KIDS would be disappointed, AND my husband ended up not having to work that Saturday, so I called everyone and invited them over. But come to find out, my SIL had already mailed a package with a present in it (which is of course fine!) AND pink cupcakes. LOL My thought was, oh brother, did she think I wasn't going to make a CAKE for my daughter's birthday?! I seriously think she thought she was being the merciful aunt and saying "the party must go on!" I was thinking, just because we don't have a big family party with 15 people and you aren't there, doesn't mean my daughter won't have a good time and I won't make her a pretty cake and give her presents! OY.

 

*phew* Sorry again. lol Just letting you know how seemingly nice intentions can just be too much and be taken with offense rather than you being "nice" so tread carefully and take hints. Don't offer to have "a mini party" for her kid in order to "celebrate with him." If his mom wants to have an extra party or cupcakes with you and grandma/grandpa, let her do it or her suggest it. Otherwise, she may feel like I did... that what she planned wasn't good enough in your eyes. I think you should stop by and give your nephew a present and a card and that's it.

 

ETA: Oh, duh, I realized that in your original post you said you gave him a present. That's good. I had in mind that some others suggested celebrating with him on your own or whatever. I was just saying be careful with that. :)

Edited February 26, 2012 by TaraJo29

[eternalknot]

My relationship with my siblings' kids is very much the same as you describe yours to be, OP. In fact, three of my nephews live with me, two of whom are within a year's age of my son. The four boys don't always attend each other's Friend Birthday (which aren't a given or even an every-year thing), but we've also always had a Family Birthday so it's never been a real issue.

 

My brother and I have birthdays in the same week. We've always -since we were 12 and 13- done a "just us" birthday deal, in addition to celebrating with our families (respective and extended). Some years its just lunch; other years its a weekend trip. While not the same situation as you describe, we don't do this to exclude our friends or family, but to just have a one-on-one connecting time. His girlfriends haven't always liked it, but it was never about doing THIS at the exclusion of celebrating with everyone else. Some of them just never got that.

 

Maybe you could start a similar tradition? Invite your nephew over for a special birthday meal, as your family's guest of honor. Do it every year. Or take him to a birthday lunch, just him and your kids. My mom has always done this with us (and now with her grandkids) once we hit five, and we've always loved it. The year my daughter turned five, the most exciting part of her birthday was deciding where she and my mom were going to eat -- even though that year she also had a pretty big party with 20 friends and as many cousins.

 

But yes, it'd sting my heart. Even if I knew and understood the reasoning behind it.

[Starr]

Don't be upset. You never know what could be going on. Throw him a party of your own.

 

:iagree:

[EmilyinND]

I'm also agreeing that it's normal to just have a kids party. It should also be ok NOT to have a party at all. I didn't have a party every year growing up. ( I often had cake with my immediate family)

[mamaof2an2]

it is hurtful to exclude family from celebrating. when my kids (ages 15, 12, 9, 7) have a year w/a 'friend' party, we also do a 'family only' party. I try not to do two parties a year, but when they start getting to the age where they want a friend party, I felt that was our only option. I don't like to exclude family, and birthday parties should b family events too! Maybe there is a way you could explain that to your sister? Or offer to throw a family only party at your place? I doubt your nephew will complain about two parties! lol! :)

[regentrude]

Should I not be hurt by this? Is it normal to exclude family once the friend parties start?

 

Yes.

In our family, we NEVER had extended family (as in aunts and cousins) over for birthdays - it was a party for the birthday kid with her friends. Maybe grandma came the Sunday after to congratulate and bring a gift.